# Comical put downs from your partners



## joma1108 (Apr 4, 2012)

Was playing golf with a couple of lads i didnt kow but were good company that had sayings for everything, but the two that stuck in my mind after hitting two seperate shots that shouldnt have worked but did

Skimmer along the ground 200 yards - Sally Gunnell - ugly but it can run

Push left hit a tree shot forward and landed on the edge of the green - thats a sister in law, you shouldnt be up there but you are 

put a smile on my face, are there any other Colloquialism that bring a smile to your face


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## fundy (Apr 4, 2012)

The one that always seems to get to people is "thats a really good shot for THAT swing"


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## joma1108 (Apr 4, 2012)

Ah one more that the guys in my sweep say when im short of the green with my second (that drives me mental)
'Do you want me to hold your handbag next time you hit to the green nancy'


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## garyinderry (Apr 4, 2012)

when i leave a putt short, or run it by the hole a bit with a bit more work to do before its down. my brother says,

"_theres a bit of chicken left on that bone_!"


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## Mattyboy (Apr 4, 2012)

Theres  a list of these somewhere on here. My fave is a Dennis wise - A dirty little 5 footer.

I spoke to a mate the other day and asked him how he played? His response - 'Well I got on 15 greens - which is more than the greenkeeper did when cutting the holes.....'


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## garyinderry (Apr 4, 2012)

joma1108 said:



			Ah one more that the guys in my sweep say when im short of the green with my second (that drives me mental)
'Do you want me to hold your handbag next time you hit to the green nancy'
		
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im stealing that :rofl:



although all these can come back to bite you later in the round. THEY ALWAYS DO!


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## dave (Apr 4, 2012)

shaking hands at the end of the game he says "thanks for the company at least"

oh and the occasional skim accross the water that gets met with "oh a barnes wallace"


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## Scazza (Apr 4, 2012)

If your playing partner leaves a putt short, as they are walking towards the ball we'll say "You've dropped something." They will then look behind and we'll say "It's your handbag."

Another one would be, "Next time you should use the Prada and leave the Gucci at home."

Love the handbag ones!


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## swanny32 (Apr 4, 2012)

An Elton John putt, a big bender that licked the rim.


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## joma1108 (Apr 4, 2012)

Mattyboy said:



			I spoke to a mate the other day and asked him how he played? His response - 'Well I got on 15 greens - which is more than the greenkeeper did when cutting the holes.....'
		
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That is absolute quality, laughed out loud when i read that.


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## Curls (Apr 4, 2012)

After a poor tee shot I often throw out - to be fair you had an awful lie.

Gets him every time.


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## User 105 (Apr 4, 2012)

Curls said:



			After a poor tee shot I often throw out - to be fair you had an awful lie.

Gets him every time.
		
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hehe, like that one 

One I use a lot if my m8 duffs one I'll congratulate him with "At least it's closer than it was". The stare I get back could turn you to stone.


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## garyinderry (Apr 4, 2012)

swanny32 said:



			An Elton John putt, a big bender that licked the rim.
		
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:rofl:


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## Doon frae Troon (Apr 4, 2012)

I could beat him playing with a gumboot and an orange.


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## Region3 (Apr 4, 2012)

Another for after a putt is left woefully short.

"Does your husband play as well?"


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## Ian_S (Apr 4, 2012)

"Your problem is you're standing too close to the ball..... after your shot"

And of course, "still yours I believe" after their putt is still further away than yours.

The classics are the best - I always like to use the Sally Gunnell one as well


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## joma1108 (Apr 4, 2012)

HA HA, i need to write some of these down so i can get my own back on the sweep as i tend to get the old leg pulled on occasion.

although i started the thread reminnded me of the story of the american standing on the first tee at St Andrews, puts one to the right and OB, in America we call that a Mulligan he says to the wee scots caddie, "what do you guys call it"

" 3 aff the tee" was his reply 

I really hope thats a true story :rofl:


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## NWJocko (Apr 4, 2012)

One of my regular playing partners has a horrendous snap-hook that comes out to play now and again, as do I.

He's a golf nut and practises all the time, always "working on" something.

He hit one of his snap hooks off the tee so far it was stupid.  One of the other lads piped up "Was that that draw you've been working on?".

We were absolutely helpless.  Used every time, for everyone now aswell (with fade substituted as necessary)


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## Imurg (Apr 4, 2012)

The one taht can be heard time and time again when we play is ....

"No-one likes to see that"


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## MKDave (Apr 4, 2012)

Haha some beauties on here!!

My mate and I played with his father in law and when my mate left his putt short on the second all I heard was

"caught that one in ur fanny did ya?"

Really made me laugh and we use it all the time now!


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## BeachGolfer (Apr 4, 2012)

A son-in-law - Any shot that turns out better than expected
A Rockerfeller - A putt that dies in the hole
A Nigel Mansell - A putt that does a lap of honour before going in (Conversely, the David Coulthard stays out)


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## PhilTheFragger (Apr 4, 2012)

"Dead Sheep"

Still Ewe

or 

"You dont want to be over there"


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## Imurg (Apr 4, 2012)

"That's not really the best line in on this hole......."


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## AmandaJR (Apr 4, 2012)

A new Golfers instruction book.

Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt 

Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Maxfli from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee 

Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker 

Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank 

Chapter 5 - When to Give the Marshall the Finger 

Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximum Effect 

Chapter 7 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water  

Chapter 8 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee  

Chapter 9 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent  

Chapter 10 - When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever  

Also includes compendium of terms   

A Sally Gunnell - not pretty but a good runner

A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole

A Dennis Wise - a nasty 5 footer

A Diegio Maradonna - a very nasty 5 footer

A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read

A Simon Cowell â€“ needs to be hit really hard

A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't

A Cuban - needs another revolution

An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim

An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker

A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand

A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect

A Kate Moss - bit thin

A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional

A Glen Miller - didn't make it over the water

An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result

A Rodney King - over-clubbed

An O. J. Simpson - got away with it

A Paula Radcliffe - not as ugly as a Sally Gunnell but still a good runner

A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver

A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver

A Robin Cook - just died on the hill

A Douglas Bader - looked good in the air, but didn't have the legs

An Arsene Wenger - everyone saw where it went, except you

A Ken Livingstone - quite far left

A Jean-Marie Le Pen - a long way right

An elephant's arse - high and it stinks

A circus tent - a big top

An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a result

A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it

A Ryanair - flies well but lands a long way from the target


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## bobmac (Apr 4, 2012)

When my playing partner duffs a chip and it stops just short of the putting surface.....

'your next one should be on'


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## connor (Apr 4, 2012)

bobmac said:



			When my playing partner duffs a chip and it stops just short of the putting surface.....

'your next one should be on'
		
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You should just use opportunities to plug the v easy to him lol


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## rosecott (Apr 4, 2012)

When anyone has to back into one of our many gorse bushes to play a ball lying just outside the gorse, the cry goes up "Do you feel a bit of a prick?"


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## seochris (Apr 4, 2012)

AmandaJR said:



			A new Golfers instruction book.

Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt 

Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Maxfli from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee 

Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker 

Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank 

Chapter 5 - When to Give the Marshall the Finger 

Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximum Effect 

Chapter 7 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water  

Chapter 8 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee  

Chapter 9 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent  

Chapter 10 - When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever  

Also includes compendium of terms   

A Sally Gunnell - not pretty but a good runner

A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole

A Dennis Wise - a nasty 5 footer

A Diegio Maradonna - a very nasty 5 footer

A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read

A Simon Cowell â€“ needs to be hit really hard

A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't

A Cuban - needs another revolution

An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim

An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker

A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand

A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect

A Kate Moss - bit thin

A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional

A Glen Miller - didn't make it over the water

An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result

A Rodney King - over-clubbed

An O. J. Simpson - got away with it

A Paula Radcliffe - not as ugly as a Sally Gunnell but still a good runner

A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver

A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver

A Robin Cook - just died on the hill

A Douglas Bader - looked good in the air, but didn't have the legs

An Arsene Wenger - everyone saw where it went, except you

A Ken Livingstone - quite far left

A Jean-Marie Le Pen - a long way right

An elephant's arse - high and it stinks

A circus tent - a big top

An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a result

A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it

A Ryanair - flies well but lands a long way from the target
		
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:rofl::rofl::rofl:
I need to print these off and memorise them..... brilliant!


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## mikevet (Apr 4, 2012)

A Douglas Bader - 2 feet short.

A Saddam Hussein - out of one bunker into another.


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## chrisd (Apr 4, 2012)

When a player on the1st  tee announces which make of ball he is using he usually gets "and what ball for your second shot?"


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## joma1108 (Apr 4, 2012)

I really shouldn't laugh at some of these but they are excellent, need to try to remember a few. 
Thanks for these


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## GB72 (Apr 4, 2012)

One that winds me up as I am not the biggest hitter is,

'Good shot, that was like my drive, only shorter'

When I catch one out of the middle.


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## kid2 (Apr 4, 2012)

One of the best ones iv heard is when my dad missed a putt......

A gynecologists apprentice that one.....To which i replied "what are you on about"......
A gynecologists apprentice he says........ "It shaved the hole"


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## Threeoffthetee (Apr 4, 2012)

My playing partner after I topped my drive 50 yds down the fairway - "well, at least you will be able to find it".


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## Lump (Apr 4, 2012)

As any player is walking upto a shot that includes hitting a ball over water. A quick "quack" sows the seed!


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## WhoGivesA (Apr 4, 2012)

I remember hearing a story of when the Craw was out playing a bounce game with Andy McIntyre(young pro) and after teeing off they were walking up the fairway chatting away when Andy turned to the Craw saying " I hear theres a new Tesco Extra to be built nearby, to which the Craw replies "No, whereabouts". 
Andy casually replies " Between your ball and mine"


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## derm (Apr 4, 2012)

after missin an easy putt my mate said, if it had hair round it i bet you would have got it in


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## Val (Apr 4, 2012)

An Arthur scargill - great strike but shite result


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## Liverbirdie (Apr 4, 2012)

Wasn't there a tony blair, something like:-

Started on the left, went to the right, finished in the middle.


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## Jack991 (Apr 4, 2012)

When I leave a putt short my playing partners usually ask 

"does your wife play?"

Does my nut!


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## alldownhill (Apr 4, 2012)

My mate always winds me up with a few....

When we are waiting for the group infront....... 'you can go, they are on the green/ fairway.'

After a good shot........'what went wrong!'

After a put that rolls past the hole............'choooo chooooo.'

Its all good fun though and he gets more than i recieve!


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## Crow (Apr 4, 2012)

After a horror shot from the tee; "Well out"


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## barrybridges (Apr 5, 2012)

My favourite is reserved for a friend of mine who is - quite simply - a shocking golfer. Every time he's in the trees we always tell him he should have taken out a National Trust membership.


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## Hobbit (Apr 5, 2012)

Following a poor drive, "at least your short game is improving."
A topped drive, "running like a sailor's d#ck."
A putt hit too firm, "it was close............. briefly."


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## harvey4banger (Apr 5, 2012)

Put past the hole "TAXI"

Or my favourite, "You've got some shit on your club" when they check the head "no the other end" gets em everytime


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## FairwayDodger (Apr 5, 2012)

Better to be lucky than good.


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## Airlie_Andy (Apr 5, 2012)

If you hit one really fat and take a huge divot....

"I've seen shallower graves than that!"


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## Sponge1980 (Apr 5, 2012)

joma1108 said:



			Ah one more that the guys in my sweep say when im short of the green with my second (that drives me mental)
'Do you want me to hold your handbag next time you hit to the green nancy'
		
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We have a similar one for a putt that comes up short, its "What size blouse would you like?"


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## Sponge1980 (Apr 5, 2012)

joma1108 said:



			although i started the thread reminnded me of the story of the american standing on the first tee at St Andrews, puts one to the right and OB, in America we call that a Mulligan he says to the wee scots caddie, "what do you guys call it"

" 3 aff the tee" was his reply 

I really hope thats a true story :rofl:
		
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Another good caddy story is about a guy who is hacking the ball over the places and asks his caddy "What do you think of my game?" The caddy replies, "It's not bad but I prefer golf"


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## seochris (Apr 6, 2012)

"Wooah.......and they say you can't bend these modern golf balls!"


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## eltub1 (Apr 6, 2012)

When someone leaves it short of the green with a short iron... "if you cant get there with an iron use a wood!!"


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## GreiginFife (Apr 6, 2012)

Airlie_Andy said:



			If you hit one really fat and take a huge divot....

"I've seen shallower graves than that!"
		
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Or similar with a huge divot, "you can take that home and use it as a rug"...


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## GOLFBALL_WHACKER_GUY (Apr 6, 2012)

Whenever me or my regular playing partner duff a drive or fairway shot, we always say 'your head came up'. Or 'your hooding it'


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## Piece (Apr 6, 2012)

Long, raking putt edges to the hole, looks like its going close...limbs starts to twitch in anticipation.....

"Oh, you've got an Elvis leg going on there.."


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## Slime (Apr 6, 2012)

A Bon Jovi = A putt that's only "Half Way There"

     A Glenn Miller - Kept low and didn't make it over the water
 
A Russell Grant - A fat iron

A Rodney King - Over-clubbed

 A Bleeding live seal â€“ Under clubbed.

 A Michael Jackson - Gradually fading.

        A Ken Livingstone - Quite far left.

        A Jean-Marie Le Pen - A long way right.

An Arsene Wenger - Everyone saw where it went but you.

A Shaun Wright-Phillips - Chose the wrong club.

And my own personal favourite,





A Lynx Anti Deodorant - A shot that opens up the hole


*Slime*.


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## Rob McBride (Apr 7, 2012)

when spending 2 minutes looking for a 1.6pence tee after driving - 'someone will hand it in to the pro shop'

After a duff off the tee - 'youve dropped yer lipstick' or 'theres something on your shoe', (when they crane the neck and look), no the other one - hello sailor!


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## Tignanello97 (Apr 7, 2012)

A rock Hudson ....a drive that starts off down the middle looking good but ends up bent


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## DappaDonDave (Apr 7, 2012)

Whitney Houston - Starts off good but ends in the water

Too soon?


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## grumpyjock (Apr 7, 2012)

Ian_S said:



			"Your problem is you're standing too close to the ball..... after your shot"

And of course, "still yours I believe" after their putt is still further away than yours.

The classics are the best - I always like to use the Sally Gunnell one as well
		
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Dead sheep always gets them!


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## 19thagain (Apr 8, 2012)

Sponge1980 said:



			Another good caddy story is about a guy who is hacking the ball over the places and asks his caddy "What do you think of my game?" The caddy replies, "It's not bad but I prefer golf"
		
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I suppose we could have thread about caddie stories.

However, a Yank was over here for a weeks golf and it rain all the time. He had pre-booked, so wanting to get his moneys worth was out every day dragging his poor caddie with him.

On the final day slogging his Scotch  from his hip  flask and getting increasingly annoyed, he asked his caddy " Is there any dry spots on this God-dammed golf course?"

"You could always try the back of my throat!" answered Big Donald.


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## A1ex (Apr 9, 2012)

A Barrymore.

A big bender that ends up in the water.


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## Matty (Apr 9, 2012)

I'm quite worried that I can play all of the shots in the proposed 'compendium' on a fairly regular basis!


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## Foxholer (Apr 9, 2012)

Another variation on the 'Son-in-law shot' - and a 'polite' version of the Sister/Mother-in-law....

Not quite what you had in mind!

And for shaving the hole -- the Brazilian.


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## stevelev (Apr 9, 2012)

One of the best I heard was when a stranger joined our 3 ball. He was a bit of a joker, but father in law got him a corker.

As the guy took his stance, father in law said there's a bit of shit on the end of your club, as the guy looked at the head of his club, father in law added no on the other end.........

The guy fell about.

Another one he got was a guy playing up the 2nd on our home track, the guy was in the rough, he his his shot, sounded sweet, father in law said to him, thats on the green, the guy looked smug until father in law added, the wrong one though and laughed at him, if looks could kill. We all fell about, as did the guys playing partner.


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