# Laughter - the best medicine



## yandabrown (Mar 30, 2020)

In these peculiar times many people find it good to have a little laugh along the way. I have seen the odd bit of black humour amongst the different threads but thought that I would start a specific thread where we can all dip in for a dose. Please keep them within the GM guidelines and they don't have to be golf or covid related. Here is a starter for 10, I am sure that there are plenty better out there.

A priest, a vicar, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit turns to the vicar and says “I think I might be a type o".


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## SatchFan (Mar 30, 2020)

I heard the other day that the stunning blonde in our office wanted to give me one. Unfortunately, it was out of ten.


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## bobmac (Mar 30, 2020)

The guy from the dyslexic institute has tested positive for Coronavirus and has now self-selotaped


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## SatchFan (Mar 30, 2020)




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## bobmac (Mar 30, 2020)

Wife...Do you want anything to eat?
Husband ...what are the choices?
Wife....Yes or no
Shamlessly stolen and cleaned up.
Thank you A.


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## Norrin Radd (Mar 30, 2020)

I went to the car auctions just for a look and ended up buying six cars ,......I think I've got car owner virus


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## Slime (Mar 30, 2020)




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## Slime (Mar 30, 2020)




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## Slime (Mar 30, 2020)




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## Slime (Mar 30, 2020)

SatchFan said:



View attachment 29548

Click to expand...

Yeah, you could have a Mutton Madras!


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## AmandaJR (Mar 30, 2020)




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## PhilTheFragger (Mar 30, 2020)

I just went to the supermarket and saw a guy purchase a piñata, paella and a sombrero. 

I thought to myself: 
Hispanic buying!

🙃😂


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## Imurg (Mar 30, 2020)

PhilTheFragger said:



			I just went to the supermarket and saw a guy purchase a piñata, paella and a sombrero.

I thought to myself:
Hispanic buying!

🙃😂
		
Click to expand...

Thought this thread was about laughter.....


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## PhilTheFragger (Mar 30, 2020)

Well the odd groan has its place


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## Dando (Mar 30, 2020)

Imurg said:



			Thought this thread was about laughter.....

Click to expand...

Put a video of his golf swing on here


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## Imurg (Mar 30, 2020)

Dando said:



			Put a video of his golf swing on here
		
Click to expand...

I've got a picture of him on the tee box.....taking his 2nd shot......from just behind the yellows.......and we were playing off the whites.......


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## PhilTheFragger (Mar 30, 2020)

That’s tragic, not remotely funny 
Ok maybe you had to be there

Oh ..... I was 🤭🤔😂


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## Dando (Mar 30, 2020)

Imurg said:



			I've got a picture of him on the tee box.....taking his 2nd shot......from just behind the yellows.......and we were playing off the whites.......
		
Click to expand...

One of his better tee shots then


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## Blue in Munich (Mar 30, 2020)

PhilTheFragger said:



			Well the odd groan has its place 

Click to expand...

As a forum moderator...


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## SatchFan (Mar 30, 2020)

The owner of my local cinema died today
His funeral is on:
Monday 16:45, 18:30, 20:15
Tuesday 15:30, 17:15, 19:00
Wednesday 16:45, 18:30, 20:15
Thursday 16:00, 17:45, 19:30


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## williamalex1 (Mar 30, 2020)

Laugh while you can especially in these desperate times , a laugh isn't going to make anyone worse of.


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## CliveW (Mar 30, 2020)

A friend of mine is a boat builder and is having to work from home. He is making yachts in the attic. Apparently, sails are going through the roof!  🤣


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## Leftie (Mar 30, 2020)

I would try Munchausen's Syndrome by Proxy.  But I get no kick from sham pain.


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## Leftie (Mar 30, 2020)

I'm thinking of standing for Parliament. Such is the quality of my early day motions.


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## NearHull (Mar 31, 2020)

My pp thinks I take mini golf too seriously, but my caddy disagrees.
(Shamelessly stolen from Glenn Moore )


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## Smiffy (Mar 31, 2020)




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## PhilTheFragger (Mar 31, 2020)

Leftie said:



			I'm thinking of standing for Parliament. Such is the quality of my early day motions.
		
Click to expand...

Crap joke 😂😂😂


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## chrisd (Mar 31, 2020)

Not a joke,  but I just glanced out of the window and there was an elderly man, probably about 80 years old, cycling past our house at about half a mile an hour and he only had one thing strapped to his back rest - a double pack of toilet rolls 🤣🤣

I've never seen him in the village before and just wondered if it was his lap of honour 😁


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## Leftie (Mar 31, 2020)

My wife is getting frustrated already. She was trying to do a jigsaw with a lovely picture of a tiger but couldn't even get started. I helped her put the Frosties back in the packet and found her something to watch on the telly.


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## ferenezejohn (Mar 31, 2020)

Leftie said:



			My wife is getting frustrated already. She was trying to do a jigsaw with a lovely picture of a tiger but couldn't even get started. I helped her put the Frosties back in the packet and found her something to watch on the telly.
		
Click to expand...

Probably been frustrated for years😂😂


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## Imurg (Mar 31, 2020)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1244644719621222402


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## williamalex1 (Mar 31, 2020)

Seemingly most of Ireland are drunk as skunks, they thought they meant lockin.


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## Robster59 (Mar 31, 2020)




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## Fade and Die (Mar 31, 2020)

My Brother-in Law is in hospital with Corona virus, they have fitted him up to one of them new Dyson Ventilators, I called the hospital to see how he was doing and the Nurse said he was Picking up nicely!


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## SatchFan (Mar 31, 2020)

If only there was an easier way.


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## Fade and Die (Mar 31, 2020)




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## JollyRedDevil (Mar 31, 2020)

..


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## Slime (Mar 31, 2020)

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. 
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."


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## Slime (Mar 31, 2020)

Some guy just came up to me and poured Nescafe, milk, sugar and boiling water over my head. 

I’m sick of people taking me for a mug.


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## Slime (Mar 31, 2020)

I chicken proofed my lawn, it's now impeccable.


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## Slime (Mar 31, 2020)

We’ve just bought the Blacksmith’s old dog.
As soon as we got it home it made a bolt for the door.


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## Imurg (Mar 31, 2020)

Slime said:



			We’ve just bought the Blacksmith’s old dog.
As soon as we got it Home it made a bolt for the door.
		
Click to expand...

Get this man on the stage.....


And get him a broom....


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## Hobbit (Mar 31, 2020)

Talking to my next door neighbour Trev earlier today. He was digging a hole in his garden. 
Me, "Trev, what are you digging that hole for?" 
Trev, "my goldfish has died." 
Me, "big hole for a goldfish." 
Trev, "aye, but its inside your cat."


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## SatchFan (Mar 31, 2020)




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## Dando (Mar 31, 2020)

An American who had recently returned from Vietnam has tested positive for COVID N-n-n-n-19


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## Dando (Mar 31, 2020)

A man who can't stop singing Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin songs has been diagnosed with crooner virus....


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## Norrin Radd (Mar 31, 2020)

so i said to the wife ,put your nurses outfit on tonight
..............weve run out of bread and milk.


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## Norrin Radd (Mar 31, 2020)

Aldi have reacted to the panic buying
......they opened a second till.


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## Norrin Radd (Mar 31, 2020)

i have made a new aftershave for introverted men ,its called"leave me the fur"
...its a cologne


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## Norrin Radd (Mar 31, 2020)

i once got arrested while watching countdown.


thats eight letters that is.


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## SatchFan (Mar 31, 2020)




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## SatchFan (Mar 31, 2020)

I called up the baths and said, “Is this the local swimming pool?”
He said, “It depends where you’re calling from.”


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## Imurg (Mar 31, 2020)

Text from wife .. Windows frozen
Text from Hubby...throw some lukewarm water on it
Text from Hubby...Well?
Text from Wife....Computer's totally buggered now


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## Slime (Mar 31, 2020)

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?".
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?".
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much.

That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

*"Are - my - test - results - back?"*


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## Slime (Mar 31, 2020)




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## Robster59 (Mar 31, 2020)




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## Robster59 (Mar 31, 2020)




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## SocketRocket (Apr 1, 2020)

People using the Dyson Ventilators seem to be picking up well.


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## DaveR (Apr 1, 2020)

Norrin Radd said:



			i have made a new aftershave for introverted men ,its called"leave me the fur"
...its a cologne
		
Click to expand...

Took me several attempts to get this one.......sorry!


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## Norrin Radd (Apr 1, 2020)

DaveR said:



			Took me several attempts to get this one.......sorry!  

Click to expand...

I dont think you were the only one Dave


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## DRW (Apr 1, 2020)

My cat asked me, if I need anything when she goes out


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## Slime (Apr 1, 2020)




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## Slime (Apr 1, 2020)




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## IainP (Apr 1, 2020)




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## Slime (Apr 1, 2020)




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## PhilTheFragger (Apr 1, 2020)




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## yandabrown (Apr 1, 2020)




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## PhilTheFragger (Apr 2, 2020)




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## Maninblack4612 (Apr 2, 2020)

Second week of the lock down & the mother in law just stands at the window all day with tears in her eyes. I may have to let her in soon.


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## Dando (Apr 2, 2020)

When the lockdown is over the first thing I’m going to do is drive to local the course, tee up the ball, take a moment to appreciate the fact I’m playing again then hit the ball.

The second thing I’m going to do is hit a provisional


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## User62651 (Apr 2, 2020)




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## User62651 (Apr 2, 2020)




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## Robster59 (Apr 2, 2020)




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## DRW (Apr 2, 2020)

Wife asked me, where shall we go this weekend?

Front or back garden ?

I'll get my coat


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## yandabrown (Apr 2, 2020)




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## IainP (Apr 2, 2020)

For anyone struggling with judging social distancing...



Fetching coat also ....


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## Blue in Munich (Apr 2, 2020)

Dando said:



			When the lockdown is over the first thing I’m going to do is drive to local the course, tee up the ball, take a moment to appreciate the fact I’m playing again then hit the ball.

The second thing I’m going to do is hit a provisional
		
Click to expand...

In fairness James, that's pretty much standard procedure for you...


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## Dando (Apr 2, 2020)

Blue in Munich said:



			In fairness James, that's pretty much standard procedure for you... 

Click to expand...

I’m surprised it took this long for that comment to appear!


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## mikevet (Apr 2, 2020)

If you receive an email or Whattsapp message with the title 'Ding Dong' don't answer it - it's the Jehovah's Witnesses working from home ...


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## williamalex1 (Apr 2, 2020)

IainP said:



			For anyone struggling with judging social distancing...
View attachment 29626


Fetching coat also ....
		
Click to expand...

Even worse they should be bonded together by an earth cable, 16mm if I remember correctly.


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## Slime (Apr 2, 2020)

Bloody cat just asked if I wanted the radio left on whilst he goes out!


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## Slime (Apr 2, 2020)




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## chrisd (Apr 2, 2020)

Slime said:



			Bloody cat just asked if I wanted the radio left on whilst he goes out!
		
Click to expand...

Just put it on paws


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## Ye Olde Boomer (Apr 2, 2020)

True story: when my son was a boy starting to take an interest in young ladies, I told him,

Son, you will never find a girl who treats you like your mother treats you.
More likely, you'll find one who treats you like your mother treats me.

The gestapo  My wife blames that little talk for her not having grandchildren.


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## Imurg (Apr 2, 2020)

Alert
There could some fruity language in this.....

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1245778791592366082


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## DRW (Apr 3, 2020)

Couple of jokes sent to me:-

Having trouble staying at home? Shave your eyebrows off.

The Coronavirus has achieved what no female has every been able to achieve. It has cancelled sports, closed all bars and kept all guys at home!


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## Leftie (Apr 3, 2020)

The ultimate irony would be eating Brazilian food and finding a hair in it…


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## IainP (Apr 3, 2020)




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## yandabrown (Apr 3, 2020)

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump. 

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"


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## Dando (Apr 3, 2020)

Imurg said:



			Alert
There could some fruity language in this.....

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1245778791592366082

Click to expand...

not sure what message he's trying to get across


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## Dando (Apr 3, 2020)

Please don't forget to go outside and applaud all the Amazon and Hermes delivery drivers for their essential work keeping us supplied with all the rubbish we think we need. 

Sometime between 8:00am and 6:00 pm tomorrow


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## Hobbit (Apr 3, 2020)




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## Slime (Apr 3, 2020)




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## Slime (Apr 3, 2020)




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## Slime (Apr 3, 2020)




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## bobmac (Apr 3, 2020)




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## AmandaJR (Apr 3, 2020)

Nothing like laughing at your own jokes...this is going to be my daily lockdown antidote! If the links work...


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## Slime (Apr 6, 2020)

*A Corona virus lesson.*


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## need_my_wedge (Apr 6, 2020)

Hobbit said:









Click to expand...

That had me in tears of laughter


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## Robster59 (Apr 6, 2020)

Seeing the heebeejeebees thread made me think of this


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## DRW (Apr 6, 2020)

An English man, a Scottish man and an Irish man walked into the pub.....

Those were the days


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## Leftie (Apr 6, 2020)

I know time goes really quickly but this has just dawned on me. It’s Christmas. We’re all eating too much, drinking too much, watching films, no idea what day it is and The Queen is on the telly.


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## Slime (Apr 6, 2020)




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## Leftie (Apr 6, 2020)

A new report suggests that five out of six people enjoy playing Russian roulette…


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## Leftie (Apr 6, 2020)

I've been thinking about selling my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay. Imagine all the PayPal…


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## Robster59 (Apr 6, 2020)

Two people were caught sunbathing in Glasgow today. They've been taken in and treated for exposure.


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## SocketRocket (Apr 6, 2020)

Be aware of sweary bit.


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## PhilTheFragger (Apr 7, 2020)

Whatever you post, if it contains swearing it will be deleted and you will get an infraction. 

Keep it clean folks


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## Slime (Apr 7, 2020)




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## SatchFan (Apr 7, 2020)

They need to add an address as the place is nearly impossible to find.


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## SatchFan (Apr 7, 2020)

When you lie on your CV but still get the job.


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## SatchFan (Apr 7, 2020)




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## richart (Apr 7, 2020)

AmandaJR said:



			Nothing like laughing at your own jokes...this is going to be my daily lockdown antidote! If the links work...












Click to expand...

 Watched on my iPad, so screen very small.
I thought you were poking your finger out of the box, and the dog then ripped it out.


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## Blue in Munich (Apr 8, 2020)




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## AmandaJR (Apr 8, 2020)

richart said:



			Watched on my iPad, so screen very small.
I thought you were poking your finger out of the box, and the dog then ripped it out.

Click to expand...

Ha! My friend thought the same!!


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## Orikoru (Apr 8, 2020)

Just heard they're going to do a round of applause for all the delivery & courier drivers next. It will take place sometime between 10am and 5pm tomorrow.


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## yandabrown (Apr 8, 2020)

More advise from a medical professional ....”Just heard a Dr on TV saying that during this time of Coronavirus while staying at home we should focus on inner peace. To achieve this we should always finish things we start and we could all use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house to find things I’d started and hadn’t finished, so I fiished off a bottle of  Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baieys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box of chocletz, Yu haf no idr how  fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. And two hash yer wands, stafe day avrybobby!!!” Xxx


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## yandabrown (Apr 8, 2020)




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## Slime (Apr 8, 2020)

Biggest waste of money this year ................................................ a 2020 diary!


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## Slime (Apr 8, 2020)




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## HomerJSimpson (Apr 8, 2020)

Its a little patronising when your computer asks you to prove you're not a robot


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## Slime (Apr 8, 2020)




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## bobmac (Apr 9, 2020)




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## Pathetic Shark (Apr 9, 2020)

*BREAKING NEWS*
THE GOVERNMENT WILL BE LIFTING RESTRICTIONS IN PARKS AND BEACHES DURING THE EASTER BREAK.
The Government has announced today that, for the Easter break, certain groups are allowed to go to parks and Beaches and invite friends round for BBQ’s.

IMPORTANT- PLEASE READ
While the majority of the population will remain in lockdown the following groups will be allowed to gather together at Parks and beaches:
Imbeciles 
Half wits
Morons
Troglodytes 
Ignoramus’
Simpletons
Illiterates
Idiots
Dickheads
Numpties 
Ex Scottish Health ministers
Anyone not in those groups must follow the guidelines set out by the Governments regarding social distancing


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## DRW (Apr 9, 2020)

Being an auditor, I was rather alarmed to notice the rate that the toilet roll was disappearing.

Ended up doing a time and motion study to locate the perpetrator of this hideous crime, study finish, left message for wife :-


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## Leftie (Apr 9, 2020)

At the safari park, I saw a lion showing off and preening in front of a female cheetah. I thought, He's trying to pull a fast one


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## Slime (Apr 9, 2020)




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## Slime (Apr 9, 2020)




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## Dando (Apr 9, 2020)

It’s a shame this doesn’t coincide with h4h! 
You’re Guaranteed a happy ending


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## Dando (Apr 9, 2020)

If you had to sacrifice the population of just one city to get rid of this virus ...

Which city would you choose?
and why Bradford


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## Slime (Apr 9, 2020)




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## Dando (Apr 9, 2020)

I knew I shouldn’t have order my groceries from Ann summers


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## williamalex1 (Apr 9, 2020)

Mart Pellow thinks he has arthritis, he feels it in his fingers and feels it in his toes.


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## Imurg (Apr 9, 2020)

Dando said:



			I knew I shouldn’t have order my groceries from Ann summers 
	View attachment 29826

Click to expand...

What the hell have you been doing..?
Worst case of Galloping Knobrot  I've ever seen Mate.......
Maybe we should clap for you tomorrow night....


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## Dando (Apr 9, 2020)

Imurg said:



			What the hell have you been doing..?
Worst case of Galloping Knobrot  I've ever seen Mate.......
Maybe we should clap for you tomorrow night....

Click to expand...

Isn’t galloping knobrot the name of a horse?


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## SocketRocket (Apr 9, 2020)




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## Slime (Apr 9, 2020)




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## ColchesterFC (Apr 9, 2020)

No matter how bad things are, remember it could always be worse.....


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## Slime (Apr 9, 2020)




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## bobmac (Apr 10, 2020)

HID asked me to make a bird table. She wasn't happy when I placed her 5th


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## Slime (Apr 10, 2020)




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## Slime (Apr 10, 2020)




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## Slime (Apr 10, 2020)




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## Slime (Apr 10, 2020)




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## SatchFan (Apr 10, 2020)




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## Blue in Munich (Apr 10, 2020)

SatchFan said:



View attachment 29841

Click to expand...

Would that be all the young people who are complaining about being cooped up...


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## SatchFan (Apr 10, 2020)

Blue in Munich said:



			Would that be all the young people who are complaining about being cooped up... 

Click to expand...

Think you could have hit the proverbial nail on the head there.


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## SatchFan (Apr 10, 2020)

From an old Monty Python book - 

Mr Arthur Penis has changed his name for publicity reasons to Art Penis.


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## Imurg (Apr 10, 2020)




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## Slime (Apr 10, 2020)




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## Dando (Apr 10, 2020)

Imurg said:



View attachment 29847

Click to expand...

Don't see the attraction myself


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## Slime (Apr 10, 2020)




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## JustOne (Apr 10, 2020)




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## IainP (Apr 10, 2020)




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## yandabrown (Apr 11, 2020)




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## Norrin Radd (Apr 11, 2020)

Just a quickie for those making there own masks ,
If using an old bra to make your mask ,make sure that you use the left hand cup.
....... Don't want you going out looking a right tit


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## Blue in Munich (Apr 11, 2020)




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## Blue in Munich (Apr 11, 2020)




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## Blue in Munich (Apr 11, 2020)

One for the football fans.  Some bad language but anyone who remembers Brian Clough will love this;


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## Blue in Munich (Apr 11, 2020)

If you enjoyed the excerpt above, here's the full podcast.  WARNING: strong language throughout.


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## Slime (Apr 11, 2020)




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## SatchFan (Apr 11, 2020)




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## williamalex1 (Apr 11, 2020)

Took my wife to the doctors to sort out her Tourettes. 
Turns out she's fine, seemingly I am a efen a hole and she really does want me to F/ off.


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## Norrin Radd (Apr 11, 2020)

Turns out that it's Arnie's favourite time of the year 
"It has to be Easter baby"


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## yandabrown (Apr 11, 2020)

Well, that's me in hospital 😩

This has not been a good morning.

After spending the last three weeks self isolated inside the house, I decided to go horseback riding (local to me), something I haven't done in many years. It turned out to be a horrible big mistake!

I got on the horse and started out slowly, but then we went a little faster; before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go. I couldn't take the pace and fell off and caught my foot in the saddle stirrup, the horse was then dragging me. The horse just would not stop.

Thankfully the manager at Sainsbury's came out and unplugged the machine. 
He actually had the nerve to take the rest of my coins off me so I wouldn't try to ride the Elephant. 🤪


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## BrianM (Apr 11, 2020)

Our Easter holiday to Centreparcs has been cancelled so we're recreating it at home by having the kids ride their bikes in the garden while I burn £20 notes 🤣🤣


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## drdel (Apr 11, 2020)

What is the best and quickest way to repair holes in a lounge carpet?

I need to replace my divots before the wife gets home...


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## User62651 (Apr 11, 2020)

Jim Carrey at his puerile best


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## Dando (Apr 12, 2020)




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## yandabrown (Apr 12, 2020)

I am indeed a donkey!


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## Norrin Radd (Apr 12, 2020)

yandabrown said:



View attachment 29885


I am indeed a donkey!
		
Click to expand...

I very very nearly fell for that .very good👍


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## User62651 (Apr 12, 2020)

Hot coffee



__ https://www.facebook.com/694437108/posts/10156989723622109


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## Slime (Apr 12, 2020)




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## AmandaJR (Apr 12, 2020)

Norrin Radd said:



			I very very nearly fell for that .very good👍
		
Click to expand...

I did!


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## AmandaJR (Apr 12, 2020)

The effort some people go to is amazing...this is one of the funniest I've seen...




__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10163244998300635


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## SatchFan (Apr 12, 2020)




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## backwoodsman (Apr 12, 2020)

SatchFan said:



View attachment 29888

Click to expand...

Do people not read the threads? That's the third time this ones been posted.  And several other have been done twice...


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## SocketRocket (Apr 12, 2020)




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## Slime (Apr 12, 2020)




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## jim8flog (Apr 13, 2020)

Be careful of your punctuation

Seen Yesterday

Celebrity dies by Twitter


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## Slime (Apr 13, 2020)




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## Dando (Apr 14, 2020)




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## SocketRocket (Apr 14, 2020)




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## yandabrown (Apr 14, 2020)

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.
It was just After Eight.
They got off at Quality Street , and had a drink in Mars bar.
He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.
‘I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts' he replied.
He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.
Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.
He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
Soon they were Heart Throbs.
It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.
But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.
Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!


----------



## Crow (Apr 15, 2020)




----------



## SatchFan (Apr 15, 2020)




----------



## Imurg (Apr 15, 2020)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1248852595428536320


----------



## SocketRocket (Apr 15, 2020)

Crow said:








Click to expand...

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.


----------



## SatchFan (Apr 15, 2020)




----------



## SatchFan (Apr 15, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Apr 16, 2020)




----------



## bobmac (Apr 16, 2020)




----------



## need_my_wedge (Apr 16, 2020)

what borders on stupidity?



Mexico and Canada


----------



## Dando (Apr 16, 2020)

To whoever stole my other half’s knickers off her line last night you are absolute scum! She isn't bothered about the knickers but she would like the 17 pegs back!


----------



## williamalex1 (Apr 16, 2020)

I used one of the wife's panty liners in my face mask as extra protection, that's the first sniff I've had in ages


----------



## Slime (Apr 16, 2020)

Dando said:



			To whoever stole my other half’s knickers off her line last night you are absolute scum! She isn't bothered about the knickers but she would like the 17 pegs back!
		
Click to expand...

My neighbour was telling me that her underwear was disappearing from her washing line.
When she said that she'd called the police, I nearly crapped her pants!


----------



## Slime (Apr 16, 2020)




----------



## Swinglowandslow (Apr 16, 2020)

Blimey, Slime, where do you get 'em?😂


----------



## Dando (Apr 16, 2020)




----------



## Fish (Apr 16, 2020)

https://share.icloud.com/photos/0posqTMJp1ZBdmefxSsWwFvzg


----------



## SatchFan (Apr 16, 2020)




----------



## SatchFan (Apr 16, 2020)




----------



## Robin Hood (Apr 16, 2020)

I have a mate who's a pilot for virgin atlantic , at the moment as he's not flying he's decorating my hall for me ,made a lovely job of the landing.


----------



## williamalex1 (Apr 16, 2020)

Following our recent Rat infestation and then the great grand kids watching Indiana Jones on telly. Using WhatsApp I told them the Pied Piper of Hamlet story using photos of my home made Indiana rat trap. 
But sadly my phone photos are too big to download to this forum.


----------



## Dando (Apr 16, 2020)




----------



## SocketRocket (Apr 16, 2020)

Robin Hood said:



			I have a mate who's a pilot for virgin atlantic , at the moment as he's not flying he's decorating my hall for me ,made a lovely job of the landing.
		
Click to expand...

I had mate who's an out of work gynecologist do mine while we were on holiday, forgot to give him the house keys but he managed to do it through the letterbox.


----------



## Dando (Apr 17, 2020)

I went to a new fetish restaurant last night and got toed in the hole


----------



## Doh (Apr 17, 2020)

Dando said:



			I went to a new fetish restaurant last night and got toed in the hole 

Click to expand...

Sounds painfull.


----------



## Dando (Apr 17, 2020)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Apr 17, 2020)




----------



## need_my_wedge (Apr 17, 2020)

Dando said:



View attachment 30009

Click to expand...

Just spit my coffee over the keyboard


----------



## Leftie (Apr 17, 2020)

I spotted Michael J Fox at a garden centre the other day.  Recognised him straight away - he had his back to the fuchsia


----------



## Leftie (Apr 17, 2020)

Went to the Apple store and a sign in the window said "Apply within". I thought, Well, it's not going to be lemony is it.


----------



## rosecott (Apr 17, 2020)

Dando said:



View attachment 30009

Click to expand...

I know who cut his hair:


----------



## Slime (Apr 17, 2020)




----------



## Leftie (Apr 18, 2020)

Old Macdonald was simply spelling 'redirection' without any consonants.


----------



## bobmac (Apr 18, 2020)

Leftie said:



			Old Macdonald was simply spelling 'redirection' without any consonants.
		
Click to expand...

Old MacDonald was dyslexic eifbz


----------



## Dando (Apr 18, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Apr 18, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Apr 18, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Apr 18, 2020)

I’ve just been nominated for the 5k challenge so I’m going to eat 5k of chocolate


----------



## jim8flog (Apr 18, 2020)

from a list of corona advisories

11. Animals are not affected, but there is still a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested, plus a few tigers here and there…

12. Stay 2 metres away from tigers (see point 11)


----------



## rosecott (Apr 18, 2020)

__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10219291178409230


----------



## Slime (Apr 18, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Apr 18, 2020)




----------



## funkycoldmedina (Apr 18, 2020)




----------



## williamalex1 (Apr 18, 2020)

Looks like he's " hot on " your trail Jim


----------



## IainP (Apr 18, 2020)




----------



## AmandaJR (Apr 19, 2020)

Love this!


----------



## Slime (Apr 19, 2020)




----------



## Fish (Apr 19, 2020)




----------



## SocketRocket (Apr 19, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Apr 19, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Apr 20, 2020)

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in their back in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.


----------



## Dando (Apr 20, 2020)

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
I was Dyson with death.


----------



## Imurg (Apr 20, 2020)

Dando said:



			The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
I was Dyson with death.
		
Click to expand...

And I've got the bruises to prove it...


----------



## Slime (Apr 20, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Apr 20, 2020)




----------



## Fish (Apr 20, 2020)




----------



## Fish (Apr 20, 2020)




----------



## AmandaJR (Apr 20, 2020)

__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10219061621164826


----------



## SatchFan (Apr 20, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Apr 20, 2020)




----------



## SatchFan (Apr 20, 2020)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (Apr 21, 2020)

Boris Johnson advises Richard Branson to do 100 laps of his garden to raise money for struggling Virgin Atlantic


----------



## Imurg (Apr 21, 2020)

Pathetic Shark said:



			Boris Johnson advises Richard Branson to do 100 laps of his garden to raise money for struggling Virgin Atlantic
		
Click to expand...

I see Virgin Australia has gone into administration......


----------



## SatchFan (Apr 21, 2020)




----------



## yandabrown (Apr 21, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Apr 21, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Apr 21, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Apr 21, 2020)




----------



## bobmac (Apr 22, 2020)




----------



## Norrin Radd (Apr 22, 2020)

Great news ,we can have sex at 84 ,I live at number 80


----------



## rosecott (Apr 22, 2020)

Norrin Radd said:



			Great news ,we can have sex at 84 ,I live at number 80
		
Click to expand...


And that's only 2 years to go for me - I can't wait.


----------



## williamalex1 (Apr 22, 2020)

rosecott said:



			And that's only 2 years to go for me - I can't wait.
		
Click to expand...

Move to 80 , you might get your best score, take care Auld Yin xx


----------



## yandabrown (Apr 22, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Apr 22, 2020)

How do you make a cat go woof?






A gallon of petrol and a match should do the trick.


----------



## Slime (Apr 22, 2020)

Absolutely wonderful.


----------



## williamalex1 (Apr 23, 2020)

Very clever stuff, timing and script perfect, I wonder how many rehearsals and how many takes it took to get it right. excellent


----------



## rosecott (Apr 23, 2020)




----------



## Pin-seeker (Apr 23, 2020)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1253241247025836033
Boys got a swing.

and his mums got a arse 😆


----------



## yandabrown (Apr 23, 2020)




----------



## SatchFan (Apr 23, 2020)




----------



## rulefan (Apr 23, 2020)




----------



## Norrin Radd (Apr 23, 2020)

Wife "what are you going to do today"
Me "bugger all"
Wife " you did that yesterday"
Me " didn't finish"


----------



## Doon frae Troon (Apr 23, 2020)

Just reading a story about no football during WW2.
In 1940 Hearts and Hibs arranged a friendly match organised to raise moral.
There was thick fog in Edinburgh and the match was called off but the commentator had to stay and report an imaginary game for the radio.
The RAF did not want the German bombers to know that Edinburgh was blanketed with thick fog


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Apr 23, 2020)

Doon frae Troon said:



			Just reading a story about no football during WW2.
In 1940 Hearts and Hibs arranged a friendly match organised to raise moral.
There was thick fog in Edinburgh and the match was called off but the commentator had to stay and report an imaginary game for the radio.
The RAF did not want the German bombers to know that Edinburgh was blanketed with thick fog
		
Click to expand...


Ann Budge's grandmother still claims Hearts won that game 2-0  ;-)


----------



## Slime (Apr 23, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Apr 23, 2020)




----------



## SocketRocket (Apr 23, 2020)

Excuses in advance if you've heard this one (or think its rubish)

A scouser was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face.
"Who's he?" asked the scouser.
"That's the Memory Man." said the bartender.
"He knows everything, remembers everything. He can remember any fact he experiences. Go and try him out."
So the scouser goes over, and thinking he won't know about English football, asks "Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?".
"Liverpool" replies the Memory Man.
"Who did they beat?"
"Leeds" was the instant reply.
"And the score?"
"2-1" "Who scored the winning goal?" "Ian St. John" was the old man's reply, without a hint of hesitation.
The scouser was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back. Ten years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and even more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed the scouser decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue.
He approached him with the greeting "How". The Memory man looked up and replied... "Diving header in the six yard box".


----------



## SatchFan (Apr 23, 2020)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (Apr 23, 2020)

I've just written a book about dance music in the 1950s and early 1960s.   It ends with a twist.


----------



## SocketRocket (Apr 23, 2020)

My Wife said I ruined her Birthday!

I didnt even know it was her Birthday!


----------



## yandabrown (Apr 23, 2020)

Traminator said:



			It's weird, all my siblings were born on famous days.

It's my brother George's birthday today and David was born on 1st March, St David's Day.

I feel a bit sorry for my sister Pancake to be honest.
		
Click to expand...

Just in case anyone missed the post from @Traminator in the St George's Day thread


----------



## AmandaJR (Apr 23, 2020)

yandabrown said:



			Just in case anyone missed the post from @Traminator in the St George's Day thread 

Click to expand...

He's a very funny man!


----------



## SocketRocket (Apr 23, 2020)

yandabrown said:



			Just in case anyone missed the post from @Traminator in the St George's Day thread 

Click to expand...

Reminds me of the one about the American Indian Boy but I'd get an infraction if I posted that one.


----------



## Blue in Munich (Apr 23, 2020)

SocketRocket said:



			Reminds me of the one about the American Indian Boy but I'd get an infraction if I posted that one.
		
Click to expand...

Does it involve 2 dogs...


----------



## chrisd (Apr 23, 2020)

Blue in Munich said:



			Does it involve 2 dogs... 

Click to expand...

I suspect it does 😖😖😖


----------



## SocketRocket (Apr 23, 2020)

Blue in Munich said:



			Does it involve 2 dogs...    

Click to expand...

You got it 😄


----------



## Blue in Munich (Apr 23, 2020)

My wife complains that I don't buy her flowers.

To be honest, I didn't know she sold flowers.


----------



## SocketRocket (Apr 23, 2020)

Not sure if in the right thread but made me smile.


----------



## Slime (Apr 24, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Apr 24, 2020)




----------



## SatchFan (Apr 24, 2020)




----------



## Italian outcast (Apr 24, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Apr 24, 2020)

Italian outcast said:



View attachment 30192

Click to expand...

 poor sparky will need counselling


----------



## Leftie (Apr 24, 2020)

The spread of Covid-19 is based on two factors.
1. How dense the population is.
2. How dense the population is.


----------



## Slime (Apr 24, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Apr 24, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Apr 24, 2020)




----------



## Italian outcast (Apr 24, 2020)

Slime said:



View attachment 30202

Click to expand...

Nice to see someone wearing their socks at a respectable length


----------



## SocketRocket (Apr 24, 2020)

Theres an Englishman a Welshman and a Chinaman in the maternity waiting room.  A Midwife comes out the door and says all three babies have been delivered but unfortunatly we have mixed them up and dont know which baby belongs to who, maybe you can come in and see if you know your baby.

The Englishman said 'I'll go first as it's only right'  He goes through the door and emergies with a baby that is obviously the Chinaman's.  The Midwife asks him if hes certain it's his baby, he replies 'One of those babies is Welsh and I'm taking no chances.


----------



## Dando (Apr 24, 2020)

A clergyman has become the first person in America to die following on from Trump's advice last night. His wife injected Domestos into his veins. She is now being charged with a Bleach of the Priest


----------



## SatchFan (Apr 24, 2020)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Apr 24, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Apr 25, 2020)




----------



## bobmac (Apr 25, 2020)




----------



## Leftie (Apr 25, 2020)

"Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss. 

"Just pop it in the corner," he said. 


It took me three hours.


----------



## Leftie (Apr 25, 2020)

Edith Piaf liked her salads simple. 

"Je vinaigrette rien."


----------



## SocketRocket (Apr 25, 2020)

SatchFan said:



View attachment 30208

Click to expand...

Hes clean round the bend


----------



## Hobbit (Apr 25, 2020)

Not a joke as such but I've just laughed my socks at this bit of news that's just popped up. 

Donald Trump has just "unfollowed" Piers Morgan for the comment that Trumps approach to Coronavirus is "bats*** crazy"


----------



## Slime (Apr 25, 2020)




----------



## SocketRocket (Apr 25, 2020)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Apr 25, 2020)

Can @SiLH help at all?


----------



## Blue in Munich (Apr 25, 2020)

SocketRocket said:









Click to expand...

That flute doesn't half sound like a recorder.


----------



## Blue in Munich (Apr 25, 2020)

SatchFan said:



View attachment 30208

Click to expand...

Anyone else look at the salesman & misread the word Cillit...


----------



## williamalex1 (Apr 25, 2020)

ColchesterFC said:



View attachment 30228


Can @SiLH help at all?
		
Click to expand...

I can turn it back to water


----------



## SocketRocket (Apr 25, 2020)

Blue in Munich said:



			That flute doesn't half sound like a recorder.
		
Click to expand...

Rubbish flute does 😄


----------



## bobmac (Apr 26, 2020)

ColchesterFC said:



View attachment 30228


Can @SiLH help at all?
		
Click to expand...

*John 2:1-11*
Nearby stood six stone water jars, the kind used by the Jews for ceremonial washing, each holding from twenty to thirty gallons.

That should keep your friend going for a while, especially if he gets some loaves and fishes too.


----------



## Slime (Apr 26, 2020)




----------



## Crazyface (Apr 26, 2020)

True story time :-

The wife was doing a crossword yesterday "...golfer 5 and 5. Blank eye gee blank blank / blank blank oh dee blank...you know like Nigel something....." 

Me ".....or maybe..........the best golfer you know in the world"

Oh yes we did laugh....a lot !!!!!!!!


----------



## Dando (Apr 26, 2020)




----------



## Old Skier (Apr 26, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Apr 26, 2020)




----------



## yandabrown (Apr 26, 2020)

It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses as a result of Covid-19.

A local bra manufacturer has gone bust.
A submarine company has gone under.
A manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation.
A dog-kennel has had to call in the retrievers.
A company supplying paper for origami enthusiasts has folded.
A local strip club has gone tits-up.
Inter-flora is pruning back its business.
Dyno-rod has gone down the drain.

The saddest report is that the ice-cream man has been found dead, covered in nuts and raspberry sauce.
He couldn't take any more and topped himself


----------



## Mudball (Apr 26, 2020)

Some of the comments are gold dust.. Deport Patel claiming shoplifting is down - there are not many shops to loot at the moment 


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1254109644836003846


----------



## ColchesterFC (Apr 26, 2020)




----------



## Leftie (Apr 26, 2020)

I'm not sure how much longer I can cope with this Lockdown. Popped out this morning for my 'once-a-day' exercise. Left the house at 10 after a lovely lie-in on my Furlough pay. Just like early retirement really. I'm actually better off with 80% pay now I don't need to pay the bus and train fare. Don't know how I'm going to cope when I have to go back to work. 

Anyway, thought I'd take the dog with me and let it run round the park  Poor thing - he loves people and so many miserable so-and-sos shoed him away when he came up to them. He's only being friendly! We all know you can't catch the virus from animals!! Obviously you don't touch any objects like shopping trolleys etc as EVERYTHING can carry the virus, but obviously the virus can't attach itself to doghair. Derrr!  That reminds me - must book Rex in for another grooming session. Luckily my doggie groomer is totally aware of the social distancing rules and even comes to my house to collect Rex! Saves me making an unnecessary journey. They don't come near me when I open the door of course. Rex is so well trained that he lets himself out the front door and jumps into the back of the van. He makes his own way home after his shampoo and set. 

So, back to my exercise, I bumped into my friend Tracy in the park and we had a catch-up. We kept 2m apart of course, but even so there were morose old gits giving us daggers! What's their problem? Why can't they walk around us? We're only having a chat. Tracy said she could couldn't believe how many people were out and about! Bet they never went for walks at all before.  

Anyway, I felt a bit peckish after my chinwag, so I popped into the takeaway for a burger. I waited at least 2m away from them behind the counter of course. So did my friend Cheryl, who also popped in for her lunch. We only had one fag each while we waited too, but some ignorant git  had the cheek to roll his eyes as he walked into the road to avoid us! Cheryl said that smoking makes the lungs stronger anyway so WE won't need a ventilator if we catch it. Anyway, it was a lovely burger! I ate it in the sunshine on the bench in the High Street. Like being on holiday it was. I almost forgot we were in the middle of a pandemic. Lovely to catch a few rays as I enjoyed my second fag afterwards. I laughed to myself when I thought I could end up with a white bit round my mouth where my face mask was! I kept my plastic gloves on while I ate it of course - I'm very wary of touching my food with bare hands. 

So, I thought I'd better pop back home then as I didn't want to get indigestion after exercising solidly for 3 hours now. I had only covered about half a mile but that was Tracy's fault for being a chatter box. Besides, my leggings were chafing a bit and my water bottle was very warm. I had only been home for an hour when I realized I was short of limes. Well, you can't do tequila slammers without limes, can you? So, complying with the rules, I popped out for my essential shopping trip. Honestly! The amount of traffic on the roads! Do these people not know WE ARE ON LOCKDOWN! And I had to queue for ages to even get into the store. What are all these people doing for goodness sake?  

So, finally, here I am with my feet up trying to make the best of things during this awful time. Thank God for alcohol! It numbs the pain of isolation during Lockdown. I wish everyone would do their bit like me to observe the rules because then we might get back to normal sooner....Oh God, it's Thursday at 8pm...I need to go out and clap for the NHS heroes! I love that because I always clap louder than everyone else to show how much more I care. Anyway, it's also nice to have a little chat with the neighbours without anyone looking down their noses...


----------



## Slime (Apr 27, 2020)

It's actually been a blessing being at home with the wife for the last few weeks.








We've caught up on everything I've done wrong in the last 30+ years!


----------



## jim8flog (Apr 27, 2020)

I was going to post  a video but it appears to have copy protection or is too big to upload .


----------



## Maninblack4612 (Apr 27, 2020)

jim8flog said:



			I was going to post  a video but it appears to have copy protection or is too big to upload .
		
Click to expand...

Ha ha. That's a good one! 😀😀😀


----------



## Imurg (Apr 27, 2020)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1254706130821021702


----------



## SatchFan (Apr 27, 2020)




----------



## SatchFan (Apr 27, 2020)

Banging two pistachio nut shells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.


----------



## Slime (Apr 27, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Apr 27, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Apr 28, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Apr 28, 2020)

I had parrot pie for tea last night.
it tasted great but it keeps repeating on me


----------



## Leftie (Apr 28, 2020)

Going to have one of those boil-in-the-bag fish things for lunch.  Trouble is the ones you get from the fair don't come with instructions.


----------



## Dando (Apr 28, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Apr 28, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Apr 28, 2020)




----------



## richart (Apr 28, 2020)

Slime said:








Click to expand...

hic.


----------



## SatchFan (Apr 28, 2020)

I took the wife out for an afternoon treat. She enjoyed the tea and biscuits but said next time, could I take her somewhere that she didn't have to give blood first!?


----------



## JollyRedDevil (Apr 29, 2020)




----------



## Norrin Radd (Apr 29, 2020)

The young couple next door have recently made a sex tape.


they obviously dont know that yet.


----------



## jim8flog (Apr 29, 2020)

If you like to have a really good laugh do an I Player catch up on BBC 4 last night (28th April)


Two programmes 

The Last Stand - Bob Monkhouse

A show done in front of and for an invited bunch of up and coming comedians (now many famous names and faces)


I only caught the second half but will doing the first half tonight

and 

Talking Comedy Bob Monkhouse

( a compilation of interviews done with Wogan , Parkinson  Des O'connor etc)

In the latter you have to be of a certain age to fully understand the Golden Shot story of the contestant from Birmingham e.g. do you remember Rumbelows?


----------



## Norrin Radd (Apr 29, 2020)

I used to go out with a parachutist with IBS 
but she shat on me from a great height


----------



## Dando (Apr 29, 2020)

I had a good chuckle the other day watching clips of Les Dawson "playing" the piano


----------



## Norrin Radd (Apr 29, 2020)

I went on a barging holiday,I havent got a boat ,I just kept pushing people into canals


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Apr 29, 2020)

Playing video games completely ruined my life.    Luckily I have two more left.


----------



## Norrin Radd (Apr 29, 2020)

I went to my premature ejaculation meeting this morning......turns out it's tomorrow


----------



## Norrin Radd (Apr 29, 2020)

I have the memory of an elephant, I went to the zoo once and saw an elephant


----------



## Norrin Radd (Apr 29, 2020)

I was disappointed that Dunkirk wasn't an autobiography of William Shatner


----------



## Norrin Radd (Apr 29, 2020)

What really gets my eye is short people with umbrellas


----------



## need_my_wedge (Apr 29, 2020)




----------



## Norrin Radd (Apr 29, 2020)

I bought one of those memory foam mattresses ...now it's trying to blackmail me


----------



## Slime (Apr 29, 2020)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Apr 29, 2020)

Norrin Radd said:



			I went to my premature ejaculation meeting this morning......turns out it's tomorrow
		
Click to expand...

It's the Premature Ejaculation Society Ball this evening. There's no dress code, just come in your pants.


----------



## Lord Tyrion (Apr 29, 2020)




----------



## need_my_wedge (Apr 29, 2020)

Corona lock down in Russia - Please DON'T try this at home


----------



## Dando (Apr 29, 2020)

need_my_wedge said:



			Corona lock down in Russia - Please DON'T try this at home 





[/QUOTE

are you sure that's not from a forum meet!
		
Click to expand...


----------



## ADB (Apr 29, 2020)

Norrin Radd said:



			What really gets my eye is short people with umbrellas
		
Click to expand...

You been watching a Gary Delaney stand-up set?


----------



## SocketRocket (Apr 29, 2020)

ColchesterFC said:



			It's the Premature Ejaculation Society Ball this evening. There's no dress code, just come in your pants.
		
Click to expand...

Did everyone come.


----------



## Lazkir (Apr 29, 2020)

SocketRocket said:



			Did everyone come.
		
Click to expand...

Yes one after another, all in sequins.


----------



## yandabrown (Apr 29, 2020)

Traminator said:



			Only the members.
		
Click to expand...

I trust someone took them in hand?


----------



## Leftie (Apr 29, 2020)

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'


----------



## Slime (Apr 30, 2020)




----------



## Pin-seeker (Apr 30, 2020)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1255772363146301441


----------



## Khamelion (Apr 30, 2020)

Leftie said:



			I'm thinking of standing for Parliament. Such is the quality of my early day motions.
		
Click to expand...

Loose at best that one


----------



## AmandaJR (Apr 30, 2020)

More Andrew Cotter genius!!




__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=284825735877954


----------



## williamalex1 (Apr 30, 2020)




----------



## Imurg (Apr 30, 2020)

AmandaJR said:



			More Andrew Cotter genius!!




__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=284825735877954



Click to expand...

He's going to have to do one of these every week....


----------



## Rooter (Apr 30, 2020)

Imurg said:



			He's going to have to do one of these every week....
		
Click to expand...

They are genuinely brilliant!!


----------



## Imurg (Apr 30, 2020)

Rooter said:



			They are genuinely brilliant!!
		
Click to expand...

It's the dour Scottish accent that makes it.....


----------



## AmandaJR (Apr 30, 2020)

His imagination is amazing and, owning two Labs, so accurate!! The one with the toy was so like our two. Barley just gets one to wind Daisy up and she won't cross him so watches intently for her chance to get it back as soon as he lets go. She is the younger, spoilt "child" for sure "I wanted that. That's mine, that's mine and that's mine too"!!


----------



## yandabrown (Apr 30, 2020)

Also posted in Maninblack pitch and putt thread:


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1255890714782769158


----------



## Imurg (Apr 30, 2020)

yandabrown said:



			Also posted in Maninblack pitch and putt thread:


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1255890714782769158

Click to expand...

That's a proper Weston....


----------



## Dando (Apr 30, 2020)




----------



## Maninblack4612 (May 1, 2020)

A long strip of tarmac walks into a pub and says to the barman, “I’m the A1. I’m ‘ard as nails! Give me a pint of bitter and make it quick”
The barman looks shocked and serves him a pint.
Another even bigger strip of tarmac walks in and says, “oi you! I’m the M1. I’m the biggest hardest road in the country. Give me a lager now!”
The barman is shaking, but serves the pint through tears of fear.
Then in walks a thin strip of tarmac and makes its way over to the bar.
The A1 and the M1 dive over the bar and bundle the barman to the floor literally shaking with terror.
“What’s the matter?” Says the barman.
“Shhh! Say the other two. “Keep your head down. He’s a cycle path!”


----------



## Italian outcast (May 1, 2020)

Maninblack4612 said:



			A long strip of tarmac walks into a pub and says to the barman, “I’m the A1. I’m ‘ard as nails! Give me a pint of bitter and make it quick”
The barman looks shocked and serves him a pint.
Another even bigger strip of tarmac walks in and says, “oi you! I’m the M1. I’m the biggest hardest road in the country. Give me a lager now!”
The barman is shaking, but serves the pint through tears of fear.
Then in walks a thin strip of tarmac and makes its way over to the bar.
The A1 and the M1 dive over the bar and bundle the barman to the floor literally shaking with terror.
“What’s the matter?” Says the barman.
“Shhh! Say the other two. “Keep your head down. He’s a cycle path!”
		
Click to expand...

so stupid its very funny


----------



## williamalex1 (May 1, 2020)

Maninblack4612 said:



			A long strip of tarmac walks into a pub and says to the barman, “I’m the A1. I’m ‘ard as nails! Give me a pint of bitter and make it quick”
The barman looks shocked and serves him a pint.
Another even bigger strip of tarmac walks in and says, “oi you! I’m the M1. I’m the biggest hardest road in the country. Give me a lager now!”
The barman is shaking, but serves the pint through tears of fear.
Then in walks a thin strip of tarmac and makes its way over to the bar.
The A1 and the M1 dive over the bar and bundle the barman to the floor literally shaking with terror.
“What’s the matter?” Says the barman.
“Shhh! Say the other two. “Keep your head down. He’s a cycle path!”
		
Click to expand...

Boys from the ManinBlack Stuff, lol


----------



## Lord Tyrion (May 1, 2020)




----------



## AmandaJR (May 1, 2020)

This is funny! Her laughter is so infectious...




__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=2898898643556747


----------



## Dando (May 1, 2020)

AmandaJR said:



			This is funny! Her laughter is so infectious...




__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=2898898643556747



Click to expand...

the story of Spank the Monkey made me chuckle but there's nothing worse than a big hairy beaver


----------



## Pathetic Shark (May 1, 2020)

What's black and comes out of the ground swearing at everyone?
Crude oil.


----------



## need_my_wedge (May 1, 2020)

AmandaJR said:



			This is funny! Her laughter is so infectious...




__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=2898898643556747



Click to expand...

Toss up with Hobbit's version....


----------



## Slime (May 1, 2020)

A distraught woman goes into a local hypnotherapist's office. 
Sobbing, she explains, "I've been faithful to my husband for nearly twenty years,
but yesterday I had an affair. The guilt is eating me up. 
I just want to forget that it ever happened."









The hypnotherapist shook his head and sighed, "Not again..."


----------



## Slime (May 1, 2020)

*Husband*_:_

_My wife is missing._

_She went out yesterday and has not come home._


*Sergeant at Police Station:*

_What is her height?_


*Husband*_:_

_Sorry, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall, maybe._


*Sergeant*_:_

_Weight?_


*Husband*_:_

_Don't know. Not slim, not really fat._


*Sergeant*_:_

_Colour of eyes?_


*Husband*_:_

_Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed._


*Sergeant*_:_

_Colour of hair?_


*Husband*_:_

_Changes a couple times a year._

_Maybe dark brown now._

_I can’t remember._


*Sergeant*_:_

_What was she wearing?_


*Husband*_:_

_Could have been trousers, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly._


*Sergeant*_:_

_What kind of car did she go in?_


*Husband*_:_

_She went in my Porsche_


*Sergeant*_:_

_What kind of Porsche was it?_


*Husband: (sobbing)*

_Porsche 991.2 Carrera C4S 7 speed PDK_

_Ambient Lighting pack - Creats headrests. heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, PCM Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, CD player and bluetooth interface, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black alcantara headlining, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Load lashing points, Luggage compartment cover, Luggage rails, Perforated leather gearknob, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with Black badges. Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - Non smoking pack - Rain sensing wipers, gloss black alloys, PCCB, glass roof, colour coded xenon washer jets, red seat belts._


*Sergeant*_:_

_Don't worry mate we’ll find it._


----------



## Pathetic Shark (May 1, 2020)

If only the Covid-19 virus had broken out first in Vegas.   After all what goes on there, stays there.


----------



## ColchesterFC (May 1, 2020)




----------



## Slime (May 2, 2020)




----------



## need_my_wedge (May 2, 2020)




----------



## Slime (May 2, 2020)




----------



## Dando (May 2, 2020)

Jeremy Beadle had a small willy, but on the other hand it was quite big


----------



## Slime (May 3, 2020)




----------



## Doon frae Troon (May 3, 2020)

We can only give you the hospital figure for Johnson's babies, the true one is likely to be considerably higher.


----------



## Dando (May 3, 2020)




----------



## Slime (May 3, 2020)

Removed.
I decided it was probably a little too close to the mark!


----------



## Blue in Munich (May 3, 2020)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (May 3, 2020)

Just started cycling and was looking to link up cycling data with the health app on the iPhone 




Then I read it a bit more carefully

Doh


----------



## SatchFan (May 3, 2020)

I don't think the new Harry Potter book seems as good as the old ones.


----------



## Blue in Munich (May 3, 2020)

PhilTheFragger said:



			Just started cycling and was looking to link up cycling data with the health app on the iPhone

View attachment 30424


Then I read it a bit more carefully

Doh
		
Click to expand...

Some truth in the rumour you're an old tart then Fragger?


----------



## Blue in Munich (May 4, 2020)




----------



## Slime (May 4, 2020)

*After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years. 
But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.*



*Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife, 32, looking for some action!" 
I've sent her my ironing, that should keep her busy for a while!*



*Mrs Slime's been hinting that she want's something black and lacy for her birthday. 
So I've got her a pair of football boots. *


----------



## jim8flog (May 4, 2020)

Heard on Jeremy Vine this morning

" Staying in lock down = fattening the curve"


----------



## PhilTheFragger (May 4, 2020)

For Sale
Ikea Glass Table £5

Just needs assembling 👍


----------



## Slime (May 4, 2020)




----------



## Slime (May 4, 2020)

The wife just asked me what I was doing on the computer.
"Looking for cheap flights" I replied.
She immediately got very excited, told me she loved me and gave me the best sex I'd ever had!

Which kind of surprised me as she'd never been interested in darts before!


----------



## drdel (May 4, 2020)

PhilTheFragger said:



			For Sale
Ikea Glass Table £5

Just needs assembling 👍
View attachment 30439

Click to expand...

Comes with crystal clear instructions.


----------



## Dando (May 4, 2020)

PhilTheFragger said:



			For Sale
Ikea Glass Table £5

Just needs assembling 👍
View attachment 30439

Click to expand...

I bet there’s some bits missing


----------



## Imurg (May 4, 2020)

PhilTheFragger said:



			For Sale
Ikea Glass Table £5

Just needs assembling 👍
View attachment 30439

Click to expand...

Sell to Amanda as a jigsaw...


----------



## Slime (May 4, 2020)

PhilTheFragger said:



			For Sale
Ikea Glass Table £5

Just needs assembling 👍
View attachment 30439

Click to expand...




Imurg said:



			Sell to Amanda as a jigsaw...
		
Click to expand...

Amanda, do the edges first.


----------



## williamalex1 (May 4, 2020)

As Jim Bowen would've said = Smashing prize


----------



## richart (May 4, 2020)

Imurg said:



			Sell to Amanda as a jigsaw...
		
Click to expand...

No good without the lid of the box.


----------



## Slime (May 4, 2020)




----------



## williamalex1 (May 4, 2020)

As i get older, all I need in life is,
A Spec-savers, a Boots the chemist,and  a Gregg's the baker.

Yep, life is all specs, drugs and sausage rolls


----------



## Orikoru (May 5, 2020)

Norrin Radd said:



			I went to my premature ejaculation meeting this morning......turns out it's tomorrow
		
Click to expand...

At least there's no dress code there - you just come in your pants.


----------



## chrisd (May 5, 2020)

I just got offered a job at the sperm donor clinic, shame that I have to work a week in hand 😁


----------



## Deleted Member 1156 (May 5, 2020)

A masochist went up to a sadist and said "Beat me, beat me!"

The sadist said "No"


----------



## Dando (May 5, 2020)

just washed 4 pairs of pyjamas - that's my work wear sorted for the rest of the week


----------



## Slime (May 5, 2020)




----------



## Slime (May 5, 2020)




----------



## PIng (May 5, 2020)

williamalex1 said:



			As i get older, all I need in life is,
A Spec-savers, a Boots the chemist,and  a Gregg's the baker.

Yep, life is all specs, drugs and sausage rolls 

Click to expand...

You should visit King's Heath, Birmingham


----------



## Dando (May 5, 2020)




----------



## SocketRocket (May 5, 2020)

PIng said:



			You should visit King's Heath, Birmingham
		
Click to expand...

I drive past there often to visit my Daughter in Mosley.


----------



## SocketRocket (May 5, 2020)

A person gets knocked down by a car every hour in London.

Hes getting bloody fed up with it now!


----------



## NearHull (May 6, 2020)

Letter in todays Telegraph

SIR – Three weeks ago I asked my wife for the time, as I have stopped wearing a watch. She replied: “Saturday”. On Tuesday I did the same thing, and her answer was: “May”.

says it all really.


----------



## Slime (May 6, 2020)




----------



## Slime (May 6, 2020)




----------



## need_my_wedge (May 6, 2020)




----------



## Imurg (May 6, 2020)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1258011336191234050


----------



## IainP (May 6, 2020)

-- this isn't intended to be a funny --
I often download images from here to share elsewhere but always have a problem with the ones Slime uploads.
It is as if they are named jpg, rather than have a jpg extension or something.
I think I might of worked around via my pc before with some faffing, but the phone just doesn't want to play. Any suggestions?

Edit: remembered what I did now, switched to another browser on phone and that handled it


----------



## Mudball (May 6, 2020)

All Cricket now cancelled and moved to next year.

*The always said that 2020 would destroy Cricket*

**


----------



## Slime (May 6, 2020)




----------



## Slime (May 6, 2020)

IainP said:



			-- this isn't intended to be a funny --
I often download images from here to share elsewhere but *always have a problem with the ones Slime uploads.
It is as if they are named jpg, rather than have a jpg extension or something.*
I think I might of worked around via my pc before with some faffing, but the phone just doesn't want to play. Any suggestions?

Edit: remembered what I did now, switched to another browser on phone and that handled it
		
Click to expand...

Almost all of them have a .jpg extension.


----------



## Deleted Member 1156 (May 6, 2020)

I'm over the moon, my wife has just agreed to a threesum. Just need to break it to her now that she isn't one of the three.


----------



## Leftie (May 6, 2020)

drive4show said:



			I'm over the moon, my wife has just agreed to a threesum. Just need to break it to her now that she isn't one of the three.
		
Click to expand...

She'll probably be quite relieved


----------



## Mudball (May 6, 2020)

drive4show said:



			I'm over the moon, my wife has just agreed to a threesum. Just need to break it to her now that she isn't one of the three.
		
Click to expand...

She probably does not want you in there either


----------



## CliveW (May 6, 2020)

drive4show said:



			I'm over the moon, my wife has just agreed to a threesum. Just need to break it to her now that she isn't one of the three.
		
Click to expand...

Who are the other two guys???


----------



## Orikoru (May 7, 2020)

Apparently this DPD driver has a part-time career as a porn star judging by his name...

"Your driver *Alexxx *will deliver your parcel today between 12:33-13:22."


----------



## Pathetic Shark (May 7, 2020)

Because it is the 75th anniversary of VE tomorrow, I have been invited to a Vera Lynn Appreciation Concert.

Don't know where or don't know when though.


----------



## Norrin Radd (May 7, 2020)

Pathetic Shark said:



			Because it is the 75th anniversary of VE tomorrow, I have been invited to a Vera Lynn Appreciation Concert.

Don't know where or don't know when though.
		
Click to expand...

It will be on a sunny day if it happens .I would think a couple of bluebirds might fly over the White cliffs of Dover


----------



## ColchesterFC (May 7, 2020)




----------



## Slime (May 7, 2020)




----------



## Slime (May 8, 2020)




----------



## Slime (May 8, 2020)




----------



## Slime (May 9, 2020)

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought..

Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday ! ' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked o n my door
and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?'

She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'

'Okay.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there...



On the couch...



Totally naked!


----------



## Slime (May 9, 2020)

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.​​And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you.. I want a divorce right away!'​​And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'​​And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the​car to drive home, and this young​lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.​​I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.​​So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.​​Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.​​Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but​don't wear because you say they​are too tight.​​I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.​​I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'​​The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,​​​​​​​'Please ..... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?​


----------



## Slime (May 9, 2020)

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides, because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :

'To Fly. To Serve'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:


'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undetered, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:

'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says:

'What the f*** do you want?'

'Ah ha!' he says






"Ryanair".


----------



## Slime (May 9, 2020)

This COVID 19 situation has been especially stressful for members of the Flat Earth Society, they feel that social distancing measures could push people over the edge.


----------



## Dando (May 9, 2020)




----------



## bobmac (May 9, 2020)

__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10158314379148979


----------



## Slime (May 9, 2020)




----------



## Slime (May 10, 2020)




----------



## IainP (May 10, 2020)




----------



## Slime (May 10, 2020)




----------



## Slime (May 10, 2020)




----------



## Slime (May 10, 2020)

Fred worked in a pickle factory. For many years, he had a powerful, almost uncontrollable desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

Unable to stand it any longer, he finally sought professional help from the factory psychologist.

After six months of intense therapy, however, the frustrated therapist gave up. He then advised Fred to go ahead and do it, otherwise he would probably never have any peace of mind. The next day Fred came home from work very early. His wife, Mary, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.

For the first time, Fred tearfully confessed to her his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.

Mary gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely-intact penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"






Fred replied, “I think she got fired, too.”


----------



## backwoodsman (May 10, 2020)

A man goes to the doctor. He's got two black eyes, a cauliflower ear, missing teeth and a 5 iron bent around his neck. "Crikey" says the doctor, "you've been in the wars. What on earth happened?".

"I was playing golf" says the man. "Golf", says the doctor, "how on earth did all this happen playing golf?"  

"Well says the man, me and the Missus were playing at Brora - you know, its one of those courses where livestock are allowed to graze on the course. Well , the missus sliced her tee shot on the 10th and it went right over to where a herd of cows were grazing. So we went to look for it. 

I found a ball and asked her, "is this yours". "No" she said, "its not got my mark on it". After finding several balls, none of which had her mark on it we were about to give up. But then I noticed a cow swishing its tail, and there appeared to be something white behind it.  So l lifted up the cow's tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball wedged in the cow's backside. And it had her mark on it. 

So, I held up the held up the cow's tail, and pointing, shouted to the wife, "this looks like yours". I dont remember much after she hit me with the 5 iron..."


----------



## SatchFan (May 10, 2020)

Your one stop shop.


----------



## IainP (May 10, 2020)




----------



## Slime (May 10, 2020)




----------



## Slime (May 10, 2020)




----------



## Slime (May 10, 2020)




----------



## Dando (May 10, 2020)

Why are Timpsons closed?
Surely they are key workers


----------



## Mudball (May 10, 2020)

Also posted to the political thread..


----------



## Slime (May 10, 2020)




----------



## rosecott (May 10, 2020)

Slime said:



View attachment 30584

Click to expand...

Our golf WhatsApp group has introduced fines for posting things that have been previously posted.


----------



## Slime (May 11, 2020)

rosecott said:



			Our golf WhatsApp group has introduced fines for posting things that have been previously posted.
		
Click to expand...

............................... and where did I miss that?


----------



## Slime (May 11, 2020)




----------



## rosecott (May 11, 2020)

Slime said:



			............................... and where did I miss that?
		
Click to expand...

Now I think of it when sober, it might have been on our golf WhatsApp group. If so, I'm sorry.


----------



## Slime (May 11, 2020)

rosecott said:



			Now I think of it when sober, it might have been on our golf WhatsApp group. If so, I'm sorry.
		
Click to expand...

Sometimes, just sometimes, sobriety can be your friend.


----------



## Mudball (May 11, 2020)

enuf said...


----------



## IainP (May 11, 2020)




----------



## Slime (May 11, 2020)

*THE TEN BEST CADDY RESPONSES

Number :10 
Golfer:    "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake.”
Caddy:    "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Number : 9 
Golfer:    "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”
Caddy:    "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth.”

Number : 8 
Golfer:    "Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy:    "Yes . . . You miss the ball much closer now.”

Number : 7 
Golfer:    "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?”
Caddy:    "Eventually.”

Number : 6 
Golfer:    "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world.”
Caddy:    "I don't think so . . .That would be too much of a coincidence.”

Number : 5 
Golfer:    "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction.”
Caddy:    "It's not a watch - it's a compass.”

Number : 4 
Golfer:    "How do you like my game?”
Caddy:    "It's very good - personally, I prefer golf.”

Number : 3 
Golfer:    "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy:    "The way you play, it's a sin on any day.”

Number : 2 
Golfer:    "This is the worst course I've ever played on.”
Caddy:    "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago.”

And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment: 
Golfer:    "That can't be my ball, it's too old.”
Caddy:    "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.”*


----------



## sunshine (May 11, 2020)

So Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland are to remain at home.

Sounds like the World Cup to me.


----------



## Slime (May 11, 2020)




----------



## Slime (May 11, 2020)




----------



## Dellboy (May 12, 2020)




----------



## Dellboy (May 12, 2020)

Apparently, you can now visit friends... But you must stay in the car.

I think the wife misunderstood what Boris was saying


----------



## Pathetic Shark (May 12, 2020)

After Nicola Sturgeon says people in Scotland can only be out of their homes ‘for essential reasons’, police arrest the Proclaimers on an inexplicable 500-mile hike


----------



## IainP (May 12, 2020)




----------



## funkycoldmedina (May 12, 2020)




----------



## Slime (May 12, 2020)




----------



## Slime (May 12, 2020)




----------



## Dando (May 12, 2020)




----------



## IainP (May 13, 2020)

When the golf course is open and you have a tee time 🙂


----------



## Doon frae Troon (May 13, 2020)

Pathetic Shark said:



			Because it is the 75th anniversary of VE tomorrow, I have been invited to a Vera Lynn Appreciation Concert.

Don't know where or don't know when though.
		
Click to expand...

I wonder if they will be serving whale meat again at the buffet


----------



## spongebob59 (May 13, 2020)

She's got the voices spot on 


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1260495050431254538


----------



## Slime (May 13, 2020)




----------



## ColchesterFC (May 13, 2020)




----------



## Dando (May 13, 2020)

Don’t remember seeing this book in school


----------



## bobmac (May 14, 2020)




----------



## Blue in Munich (May 14, 2020)




----------



## Blue in Munich (May 14, 2020)




----------



## Doon frae Troon (May 14, 2020)

And a true one for a change.
My Mrs bought one of those finger oxygen gadgets, does temperature as well so useful wee thing.
After fiddling around with the batteries she finally got it to work.
I came running from the kitchen after a very loud OMG it's only 86.
I looked at it and turned it the right way around to 98.


----------



## Slime (May 14, 2020)

A little Irishman gets into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE
black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Irishman
staring at him.He looks down and says:
"7 ft tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner
Brown"

The little Irishman faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him......The big guy
says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you just say to
me?"

The big dude says, "Well, I saw your curious look and I figured
I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks
me................ I'm 7 ft tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch
penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each....and my name is Turner Brown"

The Irishman says:
.
.

.
.

.

.






"Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus.........I thought you said,"Turn around!"


----------



## Slime (May 14, 2020)

Two old gals met in Heaven

WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

SYLVIA: I froze to death.

WANDA: How horrible!

SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to
get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was
cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I
found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA: So, what happened?

WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started
running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched,
and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked
under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I

became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.



SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer - we'd both still be alive!


----------



## rulefan (May 14, 2020)

Slime said:



			A little Irishman ....HUGE
black .............
		
Click to expand...

And that makes it funnier?


----------



## SatchFan (May 14, 2020)




----------



## SatchFan (May 14, 2020)




----------



## Slime (May 14, 2020)

In a similar vein,


----------



## yandabrown (May 14, 2020)




----------



## Deleted Member 1156 (May 14, 2020)

My G/F spotted a game doing the rounds on Faceache where the first thing you say after sex is the last text you sent. Her father is currently ill and she texted her sister to inform her she has picked up his medicine.

Her last text was " I've got the morphine"  

Not quite sure how to take that


----------



## ColchesterFC (May 14, 2020)




----------



## Slime (May 14, 2020)

I know it's an oldie, but it still makes me laugh.


----------



## Slime (May 15, 2020)




----------



## AmandaJR (May 15, 2020)

Slime said:



			I know it's an oldie, but it still makes me laugh.







Click to expand...

Simply the best ever you tube video!


----------



## Slime (May 15, 2020)

AmandaJR said:



			Simply the best ever you tube video!
		
Click to expand...

I think this one runs it pretty close!


----------



## Slime (May 15, 2020)

*So so true*
Professor Chris Whitty is a Fellow of the Royal College of Physicians.
He is a Fellow of the Faculty of Public Health.
He is a Fellow of the Academy of Medical Sciences.
He is Chief Scientific Advisor at the Department of Health and Social Care.
He is head of the National Institute for Health Research.
He is a practicing NHS Consultant at University College London Hospitals.
He is a practicing NHS Consultant at the Hospital for Tropical Diseases.
He is a Professor of Physic at Gresham College. He is also Chief Medical Officer for England and the Chief Medical Advisor to the Government.

Sir Patric Vallance is a Bachelor of Science, a Bachelor of Medicine, and a Bachelor of Surgery.
He has spent decades in medical research, as well as teaching at several Medical Schools.
He has been Registrar of the Academy of Medical Sciences. He is a Fellow of the Royal College of Physicians.
He is a Fellow of the Royal Society.
He is a Fellow of the Academy of Medical Sciences.
He is also Chief Scientific Officer to the Government.

How appalling that these under qualified chancers have been giving lockdown release advice to the Government, without consulting “experts” such as Keir Starmer, Nicola Sturgeon, Piers Morgan or Laura Kuenssberg (who, incidentally, earns more than double what Chris Whitty earns)!


----------



## chrisd (May 15, 2020)

Slime said:



*So so true*
Professor Chris Whitty is a Fellow of the Royal College of Physicians.
He is a Fellow of the Faculty of Public Health.
He is a Fellow of the Academy of Medical Sciences.
He is Chief Scientific Advisor at the Department of Health and Social Care.
He is head of the National Institute for Health Research.
He is a practicing NHS Consultant at University College London Hospitals.
He is a practicing NHS Consultant at the Hospital for Tropical Diseases.
He is a Professor of Physic at Gresham College. He is also Chief Medical Officer for England and the Chief Medical Advisor to the Government.

Sir Patric Vallance is a Bachelor of Science, a Bachelor of Medicine, and a Bachelor of Surgery.
He has spent decades in medical research, as well as teaching at several Medical Schools.
He has been Registrar of the Academy of Medical Sciences. He is a Fellow of the Royal College of Physicians.
He is a Fellow of the Royal Society.
He is a Fellow of the Academy of Medical Sciences.
He is also Chief Scientific Officer to the Government.

How appalling that these under qualified chancers have been giving lockdown release advice to the Government, without consulting “experts” such as Keir Starmer, Nicola Sturgeon, Piers Morgan or Laura Kuenssberg (who, incidentally, earns more than double what Chris Whitty earns)!
		
Click to expand...

It's really funny that there are quite a few members of the forum who know a whole lot more than them  - apparently! 
I 🤣🤣


----------



## Slime (May 15, 2020)




----------



## Slime (May 15, 2020)




----------



## Slime (May 15, 2020)




----------



## ColchesterFC (May 15, 2020)

This lorry driver appears to have forgotten which company he works for.....


----------



## Slime (May 15, 2020)

A man has been arrested for stealing helium balloons. 


Police held him for a while, then had to let him go.


----------



## Swinglowandslow (May 16, 2020)

Just like to say, thanks for all these laughs. It really helps.


----------



## Italian outcast (May 16, 2020)

I've solved the competition scorecard dilemma


----------



## yandabrown (May 16, 2020)




----------



## Slime (May 16, 2020)

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch                     
​


----------



## Slime (May 16, 2020)

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. 
One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. 
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. 
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. 
"Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." 
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, 








"You liar! You've been playing golf!"


----------



## Slime (May 16, 2020)

Cat's revenge!


----------



## Slime (May 16, 2020)




----------



## BrianM (May 16, 2020)

Slime said:



View attachment 30704

Click to expand...

Ha ha, this is me 😂😂😂


----------



## teetime75 (May 16, 2020)

Two kids at nursery school,

Little boy drops his shorts."i`ve got one of these".

Little girl drops her pants "well i`ve got one of these,and my mummy said
when you`ve got one of these you can have as many of those as you want".


----------



## ColchesterFC (May 16, 2020)




----------



## Slime (May 16, 2020)




----------



## Slime (May 16, 2020)




----------



## Slime (May 16, 2020)




----------



## Slime (May 16, 2020)




----------



## srixon 1 (May 17, 2020)




----------



## Mudball (May 17, 2020)

We can do 100k of these everyday.. BoJo & Hancock can take a day off


----------



## Doon frae Troon (May 17, 2020)

Michael Gove made me laugh on the Andrew Marr show this morning.
Not in a good way.


----------



## Dando (May 17, 2020)

On my way to Asda earlier today a guy was cutting one of the bushes in his front garden... with his flymo


----------



## rosecott (May 17, 2020)

Mudball said:



			We can do 100k of these everyday.. BoJo & Hancock can take a day off
View attachment 30719

Click to expand...

You don't know how much I miss fortune cookies.


----------



## bobmac (May 17, 2020)




----------



## Mudball (May 17, 2020)

rosecott said:



			You don't know how much I miss fortune cookies.
		
Click to expand...

be careful... i m told the air inside the cookie comes from China


----------



## Imurg (May 17, 2020)

Dando said:



			On my way to Asda earlier today a guy was cutting one of the bushes in his front garden... with his flymo
		
Click to expand...

Speed gardening - I like his style


----------



## BrianM (May 18, 2020)

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £15,000 ring.


The man said,'No, I'd like to see something more special. Price is immaterial. 
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.'Here's a stunning ring at only £140,000' the jeweller said. "It's the famous Azure Blue which belonged to a Maharajah."


The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Seeing this, the old man said,'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,

'By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said 

'Sir..There's no money in that account!' 




'''I know,'said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.'"


----------



## DRW (May 18, 2020)

*FC Seoul apologises for 'sex dolls' in stands*


**


----------



## Doon frae Troon (May 18, 2020)

Dando said:



			On my way to Asda earlier today a guy was cutting one of the bushes in his front garden... with his flymo
		
Click to expand...

My brothers neighbour prunes his roses with a chain saw......they are the best in the street.


----------



## Doon frae Troon (May 19, 2020)

Comment on Lord Faulkes, the Labour Unionist Peer, after someone asked if he was Scots.
'I believe he is 90% Scotch these days'.


----------



## Slime (May 19, 2020)

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

‘Hurry,’ she said, ‘stand in the corner.’

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

‘Don’t move until I tell you,’ she said. ‘Pretend you’re a statue.’

‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired as he entered the room.

‘Oh it’s a statue,’ she replied. ‘The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.’

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

‘Here,’ he said to the statue, ‘have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing'!


----------



## Slime (May 19, 2020)

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. 
He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" 
One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray".

"Good" said the captain, 

”you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets – we’re one short".


----------



## Slime (May 19, 2020)

I played doctors and nurses with the wife last night...

All went well until I diagnosed her as clinically obese!


----------



## Maninblack4612 (May 19, 2020)




----------



## Slime (May 19, 2020)




----------



## JollyRedDevil (May 20, 2020)

Dear Men, Gather round and pay close attention.
We are in severe danger.
We are now allowed out to play golf, great news but on the basis that all clubhouses are closed it is imperative that you do not go straight home after your round!
You MUST sit in your car for at least two hours afterwards! If we let them work out that it only takes three and a half hours we are screwed forever more! Remember that it is an absolute fact that any round of golf takes at least six hours and don’t let the side down.
Take a few beers with you when you go, then when you drive back home, park up out of sight of the house and have a beer, take a nap, check your mail on your phone, have another beer and another nap AND UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES RETURN HOME IN LESS THAN SIX HOURS! You owe it to your fellow men, don’t let the side down, we are in this together.
Preserve your man time, stay sane, drink beer and save your marriage! We owe it to our loved ones


----------



## CliveW (May 20, 2020)

Somebody just threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me.

I only have Super Fish Oil injuries, but I'm lucky i wasn't krilled!


----------



## bobmac (May 20, 2020)

True story.....
I was staying at an army barracks for the Edinburgh tattoo and me and a few mates were walking back from the mess/cook house in our RAF uniform.
We walked passed some guy in civvies who started shouting at us.
He said ''don't you salute army officers in the Air Force''
My mate replied ''we don't have any''


----------



## Slime (May 20, 2020)

Due to lockdown I actually finished three book yesterday and, believe me, that takes a lot of colouring!


----------



## Slime (May 20, 2020)




----------



## JamesR (May 20, 2020)

Slime said:



View attachment 30773





Click to expand...

Nice to see the good people of the ‘pool keep working eh @Stuart_C ?


----------



## Slime (May 21, 2020)

I hired a handyman yesterday and left him a list of work to do.  
When I got back he'd only done tasks 1, 3 and 5.  


Turns out  he only does odd jobs.


----------



## Slime (May 21, 2020)




----------



## NearHull (May 22, 2020)

Traminator said:



			True story...
Officers in civvies don't get saluted....
		
Click to expand...

I was instructed, back in the day, that if I was in uniform and wearing headdress and I recognised a Commissioned Officer who was out of uniform I was to salute said Officer.  I believe that it was courtesy only.


----------



## rulefan (May 22, 2020)

NearHull said:



			I was instructed, back in the day, that if I was in uniform and wearing headdress and I recognised a Commissioned Officer who was out of uniform I was to salute said Officer.  I believe that it was courtesy only.
		
Click to expand...

I was told that you salute the uniform (rank) not the wearer.


----------



## CliveW (May 22, 2020)

^^ This.


----------



## Neilds (May 22, 2020)

Traminator said:



			True story...
Officers in civvies don't get saluted....
		
Click to expand...

Yes they do, if you recognise them and you are in uniform


----------



## Neilds (May 22, 2020)

rulefan said:



			I was told that you salute the uniform (rank) not the wearer.
		
Click to expand...

You are technically saluting the Queen (Monarch) as the officer holds the Queens Commision


----------



## rulefan (May 22, 2020)

Neilds said:



			You are technically saluting the Queen (Monarch) as the officer holds the Queens Commision
		
Click to expand...

Yes, you are correct.


----------



## Neilds (May 22, 2020)

rulefan said:



			Yes, you are correct.
		
Click to expand...

Good to know I have learnt something in my 33 years service😀😀😀
Although where I work now (prior to lockdown)is overcrowded with officers so they have made it a no hat zone so no one has to salute


----------



## spongebob59 (May 22, 2020)

Todays alternative covid briefing 


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1262669850171920385


----------



## SatchFan (May 22, 2020)

You don't have to put on the red light.


----------



## sunshine (May 23, 2020)

Neilds said:



			Good to know I have learnt something in my 33 years service😀😀😀
Although where I work now (prior to lockdown)is overcrowded with officers so they have made it a no hat zone so no one has to salute
		
Click to expand...

I don't get the joke. What's the punchline?


----------



## Neilds (May 23, 2020)

sunshine said:



			I don't get the joke. What's the punchline?
		
Click to expand...

No punchline, just stating a fact as a response to the rest of the part of the thread


----------



## jim8flog (May 23, 2020)

That reminds me of many years ago when I drove high roof transit all the time. The club installed a gate system so the travellers could not get in. First time I had to drive to the gate stop get out check the height get back in edge forward get etc for several times to ensure I could get under it. What it said on the gate and what it said in my handbook made me be very cautious. At my age 2.2 metres does not convert well to feet and inches in my head.


----------



## Neilds (May 23, 2020)

Traminator said:



			Negative... BRd2:
	View attachment 30808

There are some occasions, eg when arriving in civvies at a function, when RN officers are saluted, but not in general as per the above.

Sorry, no punchline 😉
		
Click to expand...

I’m RAF, not RN 😀 We have different rules


----------



## PhilTheFragger (May 23, 2020)




----------



## Blue in Munich (May 23, 2020)

PhilTheFragger said:



View attachment 30809

Click to expand...

Is that the earliest known picture of chrisd?  Asking for a friend...


----------



## bobmac (May 23, 2020)

We don't have naval officers in the Air Force either


----------



## NearHull (May 23, 2020)

bobmac said:



			We don't have naval officers in the Air Force either
		
Click to expand...


Cue next traditional rank joke......
Army Captain addressing RAF Chief Technician.  “If you were in the Army, Chief, you would be a Staff Sergeant “
Chief replies “If I was in the Army, I would be Major!”

Drum roll, Ba bum!!!


----------



## Slime (May 23, 2020)




----------



## Slime (May 23, 2020)




----------



## Maninblack4612 (May 24, 2020)

At my local range.


----------



## Slime (May 24, 2020)

I said to my baker, why are all your cakes 50p but that one's a pound? 


He said, " that's Madeira cake".


----------



## bobmac (May 24, 2020)

Slime said:



			I said to my baker, why are all your cakes 50p but that one's a pound?


He said, " that's Madeira cake".
		
Click to expand...


----------



## Imurg (May 24, 2020)

Slime said:



			I said to my baker, why are all your cakes 50p but that one's a pound?


He said, " that's Madeira cake".
		
Click to expand...

Honestly,  have you not found that broom yet?


----------



## Slime (May 24, 2020)

Imurg said:



			Honestly,  have you not found that broom yet?
		
Click to expand...

Just trying to cheers you guys up.
Oh, what's a broom?


----------



## Imurg (May 24, 2020)

Slime said:



			Just trying to cheers you guys up.
Oh, what's a broom?
		
Click to expand...

Something you'll need for sweeping as it's the only way you're getting stage


----------



## IainP (May 25, 2020)

Seem I've been doing it wrong for all these years 🙁😲🤣


----------



## Mudball (May 25, 2020)




----------



## Slime (May 26, 2020)

...................... and on the same theme,


----------



## Robster59 (May 26, 2020)




----------



## jim8flog (May 26, 2020)

From the Woking Face book group


----------



## drdel (May 26, 2020)

I've installed anti-virus software on my phone so I'm fully protected.


----------



## yandabrown (May 26, 2020)

__ https://www.facebook.com/100001397620565/posts/3080050842051473


----------



## Slime (May 26, 2020)

On my way home from the Coop. It's not allowed... but I used my judgment!


----------



## yandabrown (May 27, 2020)




----------



## Doon frae Troon (May 27, 2020)

Folk on twitter trying to 'blacken' Blackford.

He must have used a ferry to get home.

He drove all the way from Skye to Portree during lockdown.


----------



## Dando (May 27, 2020)




----------



## Mudball (May 27, 2020)

Probably one of the funniest thing  at the moment ... If DomCom ever goes to a Footy match.. 

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1265314862491631617


----------



## Slime (May 27, 2020)

Paddy has just got his second question right on Who Wants to be a Millionaire and is now on £200.
The third question;
Who was the Great Train Robber?
A) Ronnie Barker
B) Ronnie Biggs
C) Ronnie Wood
D) Ronnie Parker

Paddy says "Well Jeremy, I've had a lovely time, I'm going to take the £200".
Clarkson says "WHAT? You have all your bloody lifelines left, are you bloody stupid"?


Paddy replies "I might be stupid, but I'm not a grass"!


----------



## Slime (May 27, 2020)




----------



## Norrin Radd (May 27, 2020)

I cant


Dando said:



View attachment 30893

Click to expand...

 I cant see my telly from the corner


----------



## Dando (May 27, 2020)

Norrin Radd said:



			I cant

 I cant see my telly from the corner
		
Click to expand...

I’ve been in the corner for 3 days!


----------



## PhilTheFragger (May 27, 2020)

Dando said:



			I’ve been in the corner for 3 days!
		
Click to expand...

Have you lost your religion yet? 😎


----------



## Rooter (May 28, 2020)

PhilTheFragger said:



			Have you lost your religion yet? 😎
		
Click to expand...

I think the spotlight is certainly on him.


----------



## Robster59 (May 28, 2020)

Brewdog Barnard Castle Eye Test


----------



## Billysboots (May 28, 2020)




----------



## Slime (May 29, 2020)

A touching photo of mole grips feeding it’s new babies !


----------



## Doon frae Troon (May 29, 2020)

Scots governments news that groups of 8 people can meet in public is great news for Richard Whatsisname and Jackson Carlaw as they announce the go ahead for the Scots Labour and Tory conferences 2020.


----------



## SocketRocket (May 29, 2020)




----------



## Slime (May 29, 2020)




----------



## Slime (May 29, 2020)




----------



## Slime (May 29, 2020)

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. 
They said "is this your wife sir?". Shocked I answered " yes".
They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus". 
I said "I know, but she has a lovely personality and she's good with the dog".


----------



## Leftie (May 29, 2020)

After 7 years of medical training and hard work, my friend has been struck off for a minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession that he loves. What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.


----------



## Slime (May 30, 2020)




----------



## NearHull (May 30, 2020)

The seven dwarfs are planning to meet under the “no more than six people limit”. ..one of them is not going to be happy.


----------



## Dando (May 31, 2020)




----------



## Doon frae Troon (May 31, 2020)

England to put a cap on English students attending Scottish Universities, basic breach of freedom of movement within the UK.
Why is this funny.
In 2014 nearly all of the Scottish Universities were pro Union.


----------



## Slime (Jun 1, 2020)




----------



## jim8flog (Jun 1, 2020)

Courtesy of Moonpig


----------



## Swinglowandslow (Jun 2, 2020)

jim8flog said:



			Courtesy of Moonpig

View attachment 30995

Click to expand...

"La Petomane" he isn't!


----------



## Slime (Jun 2, 2020)




----------



## jim8flog (Jun 2, 2020)

Slime said:



View attachment 31003

Click to expand...

Are we sure that is not Putin trying to go one up on Cameron.


----------



## Slime (Jun 3, 2020)




----------



## JamesR (Jun 3, 2020)

jim8flog said:



			Are we sure that is not Putin trying to go one up on Cameron.
		
Click to expand...

I thought Putin & Trump


----------



## SocketRocket (Jun 3, 2020)

End of Furlough.


----------



## yandabrown (Jun 3, 2020)




----------



## bobmac (Jun 4, 2020)

If paleontologists found a red T.Rex, would it be a Tomatosaurus?


----------



## Dando (Jun 4, 2020)

While out riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer. I lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused, I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road, as a shiny new convertible pulled up with a beautiful woman driving, who asked "are you OK?" As I looked up I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse, showing a cleavage to die for. "I'm OK I think" I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car for a closer look. She said "Get in, so I can take you home and clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head", "That's nice of you" I answered, but I don't think my wife would approve! "Oh come now, I'm a nurse" she insisted " I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly". Well she was really pretty and very persuasive, being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place, which was just a few miles away and after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging I thanked her and said "I feel a lot better but I know my wife will be really upset, so I'd better go now". "Don't be silly" she said with a smile, "Stay for a while,  she won't know anything, by the way, where is she?"  

 "Oh, my guess is that she's still in the ditch!!!"


----------



## Dando (Jun 4, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Jun 4, 2020)

Two Scotsmen, Hamish and his pal Angus were sitting in a bar discussing Hamish's forthcoming wedding.
"How are the preparations going?" asked Angus.
"Aye, they're coming along nicely," replied Hamish. "The invitations have been sent, I've got my best man and I've arranged my stag night. And I've even bought a kilt to be married in."
""A kilt?" said Angus. "You'll look very smart, I'm sure. What's the tartan?"
"Och," replied Hamish, "I'll imagine she'll just be wearing a white dress." ..


----------



## jim8flog (Jun 4, 2020)

Slime said:



View attachment 31022

Click to expand...



Thay reminds me of an item on Have I got News for You or similar.

There is bridge in China or Japan which is for vehicles only and they had a photo of a police officer stopping a group trying to get across the bridge in a card board car or bus.


----------



## Dando (Jun 4, 2020)

Slime said:



View attachment 31022

Click to expand...

no indicators? it must be a BMW


----------



## Slime (Jun 4, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Jun 5, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Jun 5, 2020)




----------



## CliveW (Jun 5, 2020)

Three weeks ago I took my hearing aids in for repair...

I haven't heard anything since.


----------



## Slime (Jun 6, 2020)

An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night. 

There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump. 

Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past. 

Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere. 

It was absolutely the BIGGEST CELEBRATION WASHINGTON HAD EVER SEEN!!! 

Trump was very impressed and said, "That's really great! 

By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?" 

His assistant said, "I couldn't tell ........................................... the casket was closed."


----------



## Leftie (Jun 6, 2020)

Lawyer boards flight in Perth with box of crabs, asks stewardess to take care of them saying he’d sue for damages if they thaw. Just before landing, she addresses cabin: "Would the lawyer who gave me crabs in Perth raise your hand?" No response, so she took them home & ate them.


----------



## Leftie (Jun 6, 2020)

My boss yelled at me this morning: “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?”  “Yes,” I replied. “It’s Friday!"


----------



## ColchesterFC (Jun 6, 2020)




----------



## Pin-seeker (Jun 7, 2020)

John Barnes had a bit of a nightmare when sharing a pic on social media 😳😂.


----------



## Slime (Jun 7, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jun 7, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jun 7, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jun 7, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jun 7, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Jun 7, 2020)

Slime said:



View attachment 31078

Click to expand...

That could be aimed at some on here!


----------



## Slime (Jun 7, 2020)

Dando said:



			That could be aimed at some on here!
		
Click to expand...

Indeed it could!


----------



## Slime (Jun 10, 2020)

Two women just knocked on my door and asked me what type of bread I eat.  
When I said 'white' they gave me a lecture for thirty minutes on the benefits of brown bread.  


I think they must have been The Hovis Witnesses.


----------



## Slime (Jun 10, 2020)

A man has collapsed on the London Eye.


Paramedics report that he's coming around slowly.


----------



## Slime (Jun 10, 2020)

Horse or donkey manure has been found to work well in the battle against the coronavirus!
Just pick up a handful and thoroughly rub it into your palms and between your fingers which will result in the following;

1. You will no longer touch your eyes, nose or mouth.
2. Nobody will shake your hand.
3. Nobody will come within 2 metres of you.
4. You will want to wash your hands thoroughly before eating.

What could possibly go wrong?


----------



## SatchFan (Jun 10, 2020)




----------



## Leftie (Jun 10, 2020)

The good thing about procrastination is that you'll always have something to do tomorrow.


----------



## Leftie (Jun 10, 2020)

To err is human. To arr is pirate.


----------



## Leftie (Jun 10, 2020)

I was working in a sandwich shop when a hot Greek chick came in and asked, "Do you have any Feta cheese?" I replied, "I'm quite into leather and whips."


----------



## Slime (Jun 11, 2020)




----------



## bobmac (Jun 11, 2020)




----------



## Orikoru (Jun 11, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jun 11, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Jun 12, 2020)




----------



## Maninblack4612 (Jun 12, 2020)

Dando said:



View attachment 31164

Click to expand...

This joke is neither topical nor funny. The quality of some of the jokes on here is extremely poor. Do golfers not have a sense of humour or are most of their jokes liable to invoke sanctions?


----------



## rulefan (Jun 12, 2020)

Maninblack4612 said:



			This joke is neither topical nor funny. The quality of some of the jokes on here is extremely poor. Do golfers not have a sense of humour or are most of their jokes liable to invoke sanctions?
		
Click to expand...

I think we should have a 'dislike' option.


----------



## Dando (Jun 12, 2020)

Maninblack4612 said:



			This joke is neither topical nor funny. The quality of some of the jokes on here is extremely poor. Do golfers not have a sense of humour or are most of their jokes liable to invoke sanctions?
		
Click to expand...

rather than whinge and moan, don't follow the thread. its quite simple


----------



## toyboy54 (Jun 12, 2020)

Dando said:



			rather than whinge and moan, don't follow the thread. its quite simple
		
Click to expand...


----------



## toyboy54 (Jun 12, 2020)

Dando..Keep up the good work.I think all your stuff good!!
Jimbo


----------



## Maninblack4612 (Jun 12, 2020)

toyboy54 said:



			Dando..Keep up the good work.I think all your stuff good!!
Jimbo
		
Click to expand...

That's a good one!


----------



## Maninblack4612 (Jun 12, 2020)

Dando said:



			rather than whinge and moan, don't follow the thread. its quite simple
		
Click to expand...

The are some gems among the dross.


----------



## ADB (Jun 12, 2020)

Just rang up B&Q and asked "how big is the queue?"

He said, "same size as the B"


----------



## AmandaJR (Jun 12, 2020)

ADB said:



			Just rang up B&Q and asked "how big is the queue?"

He said, "same size as the B"
		
Click to expand...

Best yet


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Jun 12, 2020)

*Outcry as Hobbits tear down Barad-Dur without permission*
The destruction of Barad-Dur, stronghold of the Dark Lord Sauron, without consultation with the owner has led to a debate on how best to commemorate the achievements of the Orcs.
Barad-Dur, which has stood since the Second Age, was regarded as a local landmark and many residents of Mordor had an affection for the tower but ‘were ignorant of its history of conflict with the last alliance of men and elves’.
A campaign to erect a plaque on the dark tower to place Sauron’s actions in historical context had faced resistance from black riders upon fell beasts, meaning protesters felt they had ‘no choice’ but to cast the ring of power into Mount Doom and reduce the tower to a heap of rubble upon the plains of Gorgoroth.
Opponents of the move highlighted the achievements of Sauron in providing employment for legions of Orcs and goblins, and setting up great mills and factories, with Grima Wormtongue accusing the Hobbits of ‘trying to erase history’.
“The Black Tower was a constant visual reminder of the great darkness which once spread across all the lands of Middle-Earth,” said campaigner Samwise Gamgee.
“Sauron liked to present himself as fair, and giving wise council in arts and magic, but he was actually foul and a lot of people are ignorant of his history of   oppression in places like Eregion and Dagorlad.  We are going to pull down Minas Tirith and the towers of Lindon next. Those symbols of Numenorean and Elvish colonisation have to go.”


----------



## IainP (Jun 12, 2020)

Here's the full version


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Jun 12, 2020)

An applicant to join the Belfast IRA was asked how many letters of the alphabet there are.
"24" he replied.  "Because they're ain't no B or Q around here any more".


----------



## jim8flog (Jun 12, 2020)

ignore hit the wrong button


----------



## jim8flog (Jun 13, 2020)




----------



## Doon frae Troon (Jun 13, 2020)

It makes me laugh that Boris Johnsons political party is now introducing rules\laws that will make all members of his party look like letterboxes.


----------



## rudebhoy (Jun 13, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jun 13, 2020)

What kind of award did the dentist receive?





A little plaque.


----------



## Fade and Die (Jun 13, 2020)




----------



## jim8flog (Jun 13, 2020)




----------



## SocketRocket (Jun 13, 2020)

Doon frae Troon said:



			It makes me laugh that Boris Johnsons political party is now introducing rules\laws that will make all members of his party look like letterboxes.

Click to expand...

Oh how we laughed 🙄


----------



## Slime (Jun 14, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jun 14, 2020)




----------



## Leftie (Jun 14, 2020)

I bought a suppository from Ikea. I had to put it up myself.


----------



## Norrin Radd (Jun 14, 2020)

So I said to the wife,,,,just been talking to Harry the milkman ,he reckons hes had every woman in the strret bar one .
 the wife said 
   .......I bet its that stuck up cow at number 57.


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Jun 14, 2020)

I told a friend of mine that apart from my sister, mother and mother-in-law, I had slept with every woman in the village.
He told me that between us we had completed the full set.


----------



## sunshine (Jun 15, 2020)

Pathetic Shark said:



			I told a friend of mine that apart from my sister, mother and mother-in-law, I had slept with every woman in the village.
He told me that between us we had completed the full set.
		
Click to expand...

So this joke is basically "I shagged your mum"? Scraping the barrel!!!


----------



## jim8flog (Jun 15, 2020)

Leftie said:



			I bought a suppository from Ikea. I had to put it up myself.
		
Click to expand...


I thought the drug for erectile dysfunction was blue.


----------



## Robster59 (Jun 16, 2020)

I'm not sure this is totally ethical.  Might buy one just in case   
Mulligan Genie


----------



## bobmac (Jun 16, 2020)




----------



## Doon frae Troon (Jun 16, 2020)

On a mapping tracker of people who voted in favour of English Independence from the UK the regions with by far the most supporting votes are  from all of Scotland and NW Wales.


----------



## Slime (Jun 16, 2020)

I just love irony!


----------



## Slime (Jun 16, 2020)

A Chinese company have bought out a new range of snacks called ........................................................... Not Poodle.


----------



## CliveW (Jun 16, 2020)

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of pounds for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten pounds and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"  "No, I had to stop drinking years ago." the homeless man replied. "Will you spend it on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS?" replied the homeless man. I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead I'm going to take you home for a hot bath and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?" The man replied, "That's OK. I'ts important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and playing golf."


----------



## Dando (Jun 17, 2020)

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/ar...M-cabinet-look-like-members-opposite-sex.html


----------



## Slime (Jun 17, 2020)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Jun 17, 2020)

Dando said:



https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/ar...M-cabinet-look-like-members-opposite-sex.html

Click to expand...

Looking at the pictures of Nicola Sturgeon it looks as though they forgot to run her photo through the software.


----------



## Slime (Jun 18, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jun 18, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jun 18, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Jun 18, 2020)

I'm not happy with the Mods as they keep removing my posts and now my fence has fallen down


----------



## ColchesterFC (Jun 18, 2020)

My ex wife got hit by a bus yesterday and I thought why couldn't it have been me instead.


And then I remembered, I don't know how to drive a bus.


----------



## GaryK (Jun 18, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jun 18, 2020)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Jun 18, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jun 19, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jun 19, 2020)




----------



## NearHull (Jun 19, 2020)

I hear that we having a ‘clap’ to celebrate Vera Lynne’s life........Don’t know where, don’t know when.


----------



## rulefan (Jun 19, 2020)

NearHull said:



			Don’t know where
		
Click to expand...

Near Dover



			don’t know when.
		
Click to expand...

When the dawn comes up


----------



## ColchesterFC (Jun 19, 2020)

Vera Lynn always reminds me of dinner time working on Norwegian survey vessels.........

Whale meat again.


----------



## Slime (Jun 19, 2020)




----------



## NearHull (Jun 19, 2020)

Trying to teach my 4 yr old grandson a foreign language but not going well. Can’t even get him to say ‘thank you‘ in Spanish which is poor for four.


----------



## Norrin Radd (Jun 20, 2020)

Arsenal fc


----------



## srixon 1 (Jun 20, 2020)

Slime said:



View attachment 31306

Click to expand...

Number 9, brilliant.


----------



## SocketRocket (Jun 20, 2020)

Who's the coolest man in the Hospital?

The Hip Surgeon.


----------



## ColchesterFC (Jun 21, 2020)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Jun 21, 2020)

I was once in a band called “The Radiators,” we were a warm up act. 

Then I joined “The Duvets,” we mainly did covers. 

After that, I was in an outfit called “Cat’s Eyes”, mostly middle of the road stuff. 

Now I’m in a group called “Missing Cat” - you may have seen our posters.


----------



## ColchesterFC (Jun 21, 2020)

I’ve taken all German contacts off my mobile phone. I’ve gone Hans free.


----------



## ColchesterFC (Jun 21, 2020)

The man who makes the giant eclairs at our local Patisserie is retiring today. 

Whoever replaces him has got some massive chouxs to fill.


----------



## Slime (Jun 21, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jun 21, 2020)




----------



## sunshine (Jun 22, 2020)

NearHull said:



			Trying to teach my 4 yr old grandson a foreign language but not going well. Can’t even get him to say ‘thank you‘ in Spanish which is poor for four.
		
Click to expand...

So near yet so far


----------



## Fade and Die (Jun 22, 2020)

I’m going to work on being less condescending. (Condescending means to talk down to people)


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Jun 22, 2020)

Did you know the leader of the Magnificent Seven was a Liverpool fan and abstained from ever buying after shave?

Yul never wore cologne.


----------



## Rooter (Jun 22, 2020)

SocketRocket said:



			Who's the coolest man in the Hospital?

The Hip Surgeon.
		
Click to expand...

I think the UltraSound Guy may argue with that, although if he is on leave that day, then the hip surgeon would make a good replacement.


----------



## Dando (Jun 22, 2020)




----------



## NearHull (Jun 22, 2020)

sunshine said:



			So near yet so far 

Click to expand...

De nada


----------



## rulefan (Jun 22, 2020)

NearHull said:



			Trying to teach my 4 yr old grandson a foreign language but not going well. Can’t even get him to say ‘thank you‘ in Spanish which is poor for four.
		
Click to expand...

gracias for that


----------



## Slime (Jun 22, 2020)

Scientists say it's possible to live on Mars.  



I know that's nonsense, I put on 5 stone and became diabetic.


----------



## ColchesterFC (Jun 22, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jun 23, 2020)




----------



## Norrin Radd (Jun 23, 2020)

the wife just found out i changed the bed to a trampoline ,she hit the roof


----------



## rudebhoy (Jun 23, 2020)




----------



## Norrin Radd (Jun 23, 2020)

i have decided that all my jokes from now on will be written in capitals
  this one was written in London.


----------



## Norrin Radd (Jun 23, 2020)

i had this great racing snail ,i took his shell off to save weight ,but now he is just sluggish.


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Jun 23, 2020)

I have a confession

I have been on a Ukrainian dating site
















I now have a chick in Kiev


----------



## Norrin Radd (Jun 23, 2020)

me and the wife have been arguing over which is the best vowel.
  I won


----------



## Norrin Radd (Jun 23, 2020)

have you noticed the temptation to sing ,the lion sleeps tonight ,is never more than a whim away.


----------



## Norrin Radd (Jun 23, 2020)

the italians are going to put a clock in the leaning tower of piza ,
what good is the inclination if you havent got the time


----------



## Norrin Radd (Jun 23, 2020)

ive often wondered how many countdown contestants it would take to change a BLHBGTILU


----------



## Blue in Munich (Jun 23, 2020)

PhilTheFragger said:



			I have a confession

I have been on a Ukrainian dating site
















I now have a chick in Kiev 

Click to expand...

We need a Groan button.


----------



## Norrin Radd (Jun 23, 2020)

I ordered some pills for my premature ejaculation last month ,
still havent come


----------



## Blue in Munich (Jun 23, 2020)

The Government in Egypt has instructed the city's taxi drivers to drive round Cairo sounding their horns.  It's hoped that a familiar sound will ease panic following the pandemic.

Operation Toot 'n' calm 'em will initially last for a week.


----------



## NearHull (Jun 23, 2020)

Norrin Radd said:



			i have decided that all my jokes from now on will be written in capitals
  this one was written in London.
		
Click to expand...

That is quite funny - my daughter would say “a typical Dad joke”


----------



## bobmac (Jun 23, 2020)

Blue in Munich said:



			We need a Groan button.  

Click to expand...


----------



## bobmac (Jun 23, 2020)

“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.


----------



## bobmac (Jun 23, 2020)




----------



## Doon frae Troon (Jun 23, 2020)

Norrin Radd said:



			I ordered some pills for my premature ejaculation last month ,
still havent come
		
Click to expand...

Probably got delayed in transit and got stuck in the tube.


----------



## Orikoru (Jun 23, 2020)

bobmac said:









Click to expand...

I was going to say about 80% of the posts in this thread must have been lifted from Tim Vine or Stewart Francis.


----------



## Slab (Jun 23, 2020)

Orikoru said:



			I was going to say about 80% of the posts in this thread must have been lifted from Tim Vine or Stewart Francis. 

Click to expand...

Had to stop that vid after 1:41, fearing for my sanity 

Here’s one for you… there was three mods logged in earlier and this thread still didn’t get locked! They just don't care


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Jun 23, 2020)

I've been trying ever since the lockdown to get an appointment with a chiropodist.    At last I've go a foot in the door.


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Jun 23, 2020)

I just had a knock on the door and it was a little guy about three feet three inches tall.

He said he was the metre man.


----------



## backwoodsman (Jun 23, 2020)

What is the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
You can't wash your hands in a buffalo.


----------



## Slime (Jun 23, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jun 23, 2020)

Heaven knows, I'm not a snob, ask anybody.



Anybody who matters, that is.


----------



## Dando (Jun 24, 2020)

On Saturday cake decorators are holding a protest in London

Hundreds and thousands are expected


----------



## Slime (Jun 24, 2020)

Yesterday, my Doctor left me in the waiting room for over 2 hours..

I thought ............................... he can't treat me like this!


----------



## bobmac (Jun 24, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jun 24, 2020)

*Accident. *
The local Ice Cream Van has crashed down our road.

The whole area has been coned off!


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Jun 25, 2020)

Slime said:



*Accident. *
The local Ice Cream Van has crashed down our road.

The whole area has been coned off!
		
Click to expand...


Did someone dial "99"?


----------



## Dando (Jun 25, 2020)

Pathetic Shark said:



			Did someone dial "99"?
		
Click to expand...

 Police found the seller in the back of the van covered in chocolate sauce and chopped nuts 

They believe he topped himself


----------



## Slime (Jun 25, 2020)

Pathetic Shark said:



			Did someone dial "99"?
		
Click to expand...

Yeah, hundreds and thousands did!


----------



## Slime (Jun 25, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jun 25, 2020)




----------



## williamalex1 (Jun 26, 2020)

ColchesterFC said:



			Vera Lynn always reminds me of dinner time working on Norwegian survey vessels.........

Whale meat again.
		
Click to expand...

 Veal meat again , Ya


----------



## CliveW (Jun 26, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jun 27, 2020)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (Jun 28, 2020)

I just saw an Eskimo, a Polar Bear and a Penguin singing 'Daydream Believer'. I think it was the Arctic Monkeys


----------



## Dando (Jun 28, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jun 28, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jun 28, 2020)

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple.

I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."                     
​


----------



## Slime (Jun 28, 2020)

Oh my word ...................... The Muppets are real!!


----------



## Slime (Jun 28, 2020)




----------



## ScienceBoy (Jun 29, 2020)

If you need a laugh check out Poulter stepping on a duck...


----------



## Dando (Jun 29, 2020)

ScienceBoy said:



			If you need a laugh check out Poulter stepping on a duck...
		
Click to expand...

It was a bloody big duck!


----------



## Slime (Jun 29, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jun 29, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jun 30, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jun 30, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jun 30, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jul 1, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jul 2, 2020)




----------



## Lord Tyrion (Jul 2, 2020)

Slime said:



View attachment 31483

Click to expand...

I had to look 4 times to see it 😳. Genuinely, 4 times 😆


----------



## AmandaJR (Jul 2, 2020)

First I looked I thought she had a parrot on her shoulder!


----------



## Swinglowandslow (Jul 3, 2020)

AmandaJR said:



			First I looked I thought she had a parrot on her shoulder!
		
Click to expand...

Didn't get as high as that!


----------



## ColchesterFC (Jul 3, 2020)




----------



## rosecott (Jul 3, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jul 3, 2020)




----------



## Maninblack4612 (Jul 4, 2020)

A friend of mine said he'd failed an exam on Aboriginal music. "Did ya redo it?" I asked.


----------



## Dando (Jul 4, 2020)

I had a happy childhood. 
My Dad used to put me into a tyre and then roll me down a hill. 
They were good years!


----------



## Blue in Munich (Jul 4, 2020)

Motivational thought of the day; 



I’m told there’s a button there, I haven’t seen it myself...


----------



## Slime (Jul 4, 2020)

The recipe told me to seperate two eggs  - so I put one in the bathroom and one in the kitchen  - not sure what I have to do next.


----------



## Slime (Jul 4, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Jul 4, 2020)

The other half isn’t speaking to me, all because I wouldn"t open the car door for her...

It's not my fault, I just panicked and swam to the surface.....


----------



## PIng (Jul 4, 2020)

Dando said:



			The other half isn’t speaking to me, all because I wouldn"t open the car door for her...

It's not my fault, I just panicked and swam to the surface.....
		
Click to expand...

My other half isn't speaking to me because I put ginger in the curry - she loved that cat.


----------



## Old Skier (Jul 5, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jul 5, 2020)

Archaeologists digging in a pyramid in Egypt have discovered a mummy covered in hazelnuts and chocolate.  




They believe it to be The Pharaoh Rocher.


----------



## Slime (Jul 6, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jul 6, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Jul 6, 2020)




----------



## sunshine (Jul 6, 2020)

Slime said:



View attachment 31456

Click to expand...


The rookie mistake is believing that the size of dress the lady wore on her wedding day provides any correlation to current size!


----------



## Deleted Member 1156 (Jul 7, 2020)

Excuse the cut and paste but I got this in an email. Seen it before but always makes me laugh.

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS: 1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food." 2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax." 3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish." 4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price." 5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room." 6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow." 7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned." 8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared." 9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers." 10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts." 11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun." 12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair." 13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller." 14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service." 15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners." 16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning." 17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel." 18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes." 19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked." BE AWARE ...THEY WALK AMONG US and THEY VOTE!


----------



## sunshine (Jul 7, 2020)

drive4show said:



			Excuse the cut and paste but I got this in an email. Seen it before but always makes me laugh.

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS: 1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food." 2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax." 3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish." 4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price." 5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room." 6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow." 7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned." 8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared." 9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers." 10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts." 11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun." 12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair." 13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller." 14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service." 15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners." 16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning." 17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel." 18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes." 19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked." BE AWARE ...THEY WALK AMONG US and THEY VOTE!
		
Click to expand...

Always makes me chuckle, even though most of this is fake.


----------



## Mudball (Jul 7, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jul 8, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jul 8, 2020)




----------



## bobmac (Jul 8, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jul 9, 2020)

Haribo SUGAR FREE Classic Gummi Bears.


https://www.amazon.com/product-revi...e=all_reviews&pageNumber=1#reviews-filter-bar


----------



## IainP (Jul 9, 2020)

The person who measured out the "200M" race at the inspirational games 🤦‍♂️😁


----------



## Slime (Jul 9, 2020)

IainP said:



			The person who measured out the "200M" race at the inspirational games 🤦‍♂️😁
		
Click to expand...

Please enlighten me.


----------



## IainP (Jul 9, 2020)

Soz
https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/athletics/53337742


----------



## Slime (Jul 10, 2020)




----------



## need_my_wedge (Jul 10, 2020)

Reasons why my child is crying 

https://www.facebook.com/Blogswallo...qDYTtDh55ZV_nGLIwsx5sMkTj4mwQUTPhZiu5HUCRnRjs


----------



## Mudball (Jul 10, 2020)




----------



## spongebob59 (Jul 10, 2020)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1281554940511621120


----------



## User62651 (Jul 10, 2020)

__ https://www.facebook.com/710524468997234/posts/3044514255598232


----------



## Slime (Jul 10, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jul 13, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jul 13, 2020)




----------



## Doon frae Troon (Jul 13, 2020)

spongebob59 said:




__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1281554940511621120

Click to expand...

Even funnier as the Scottish Resistance is a parody group.


----------



## Slime (Jul 14, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jul 15, 2020)

I asked the librarian if she knew the author of a specific dinosaur book I wanted to read,








she said "Try Sarah Topps".


----------



## Norrin Radd (Jul 15, 2020)

Slime said:



			I asked the librarian if she knew the author of a specific dinosaur book I wanted to read,








she said "Try Sarah Topps".
		
Click to expand...

I think your barrel is getting very empty now ,you are definitely scraping it with that one.


----------



## User62651 (Jul 16, 2020)

Jazz humour via The Mighty Boosh -


----------



## Slime (Jul 16, 2020)

Norrin Radd said:



			I think your barrel is getting very empty now ,you are definitely scraping it with that one.
		
Click to expand...

Apologies, I'll try to up my performance levels in future.


----------



## yandabrown (Jul 16, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jul 16, 2020)

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.  When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a  passionate girl with a zest for life. 

I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.   Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.  So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

 When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring.  She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.  Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement. 

 When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.  She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.  She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.  She was great fun Initially and very energetic, but directionless.  So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. 

 When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her.  She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. 

 I am older and wiser now, and looking for a girl with big boobs!


----------



## rosecott (Jul 16, 2020)




----------



## Orikoru (Jul 16, 2020)

Slime said:



			Haribo SUGAR FREE Classic Gummi Bears.


https://www.amazon.com/product-revi...e=all_reviews&pageNumber=1#reviews-filter-bar

Click to expand...

Christ, what the hell do they make them out of!?


----------



## Leftie (Jul 16, 2020)

Have to ask what on earth were you searching for when you found that??


----------



## GreiginFife (Jul 16, 2020)

Like the good old veet review(s)

https://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R3GDDEL1SC1QQ5?ref_=d6k_applin


----------



## cliveb (Jul 16, 2020)

The Veet and Haribo reviews on Amazon are commendable efforts, but the gold medal has to go to The Picolax Thread


----------



## Norrin Radd (Jul 16, 2020)

cliveb said:



			The Veet and Haribo reviews on Amazon are commendable efforts, but the gold medal has to go to The Picolax Thread

Click to expand...

I posted that thread on another forum ,it was an absolute smash hit .the guy certainly has a way with the English language.if any of you haven't read the picolax thread I seriously urge you to spend twenty minutes of your time in doing so .your sides will split with laughter


----------



## Slime (Jul 16, 2020)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Jul 17, 2020)

A friend of mine tripped over in American Golf yesterday and fell into a display of drivers. The doctors have said that he should be OK but he's not out of the woods yet.


----------



## Slab (Jul 17, 2020)

ColchesterFC said:



			A friend of mine tripped over in American Golf yesterday and fell into a display of drivers. The doctors have said that he should be OK but he's not out of the woods yet.
		
Click to expand...

Maybe he's wedged in? 

Got coat....


----------



## ColchesterFC (Jul 17, 2020)

I was lead singer in a band in the 80's called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.


----------



## ColchesterFC (Jul 17, 2020)

I saw an advert saying; “Hairpieces from £5.” I thought: “That’s a small price toupee.”


----------



## ColchesterFC (Jul 17, 2020)

For Sale - Dead Budgie. Not going cheep.


----------



## ColchesterFC (Jul 18, 2020)




----------



## Fade and Die (Jul 18, 2020)




----------



## AmandaJR (Jul 18, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jul 18, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jul 19, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Jul 20, 2020)

Shamima Begum has opted to stay in Syria after being offered a flat in Birmingham 😂


----------



## Dando (Jul 20, 2020)

I’ve got a joke about Elton John....
it’s a little bit funny


----------



## ColchesterFC (Jul 21, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jul 21, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jul 21, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jul 21, 2020)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (Jul 22, 2020)

I was shopping yesterday and could not avoid the sound of an annoying Abba tribute band all over the centre.
I mean, you could hear the drums from Nandos.


----------



## rulefan (Jul 23, 2020)

I went to the garage to fill my car late last night but it was closed. The notice said it was open 24/7. 
I guess I’ll have to go back tomorrow.


----------



## bobmac (Jul 23, 2020)




----------



## Bazzatron (Jul 23, 2020)

Blues have retired Jude Bellingham's shirt number hahahaha


----------



## Slime (Jul 23, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jul 23, 2020)

There was a safety meeting at work today.
They asked "What steps would you take in the event of a fire?"


Apparently "Bloody huge ones" was the wrong answer!


----------



## Norrin Radd (Jul 23, 2020)

two lions are walking down the street ,one says ,not many people about is there


----------



## Norrin Radd (Jul 23, 2020)

saw some people running down the street ,i stopped one and asked why they were all running ,he said that two lions had escaped from the local zoo.i said where are they ,he said ,well we aint bloody chasing them are we.


----------



## Slime (Jul 23, 2020)

Two birds sitting on a perch.
One says to the other, "Can you smell fish?"


----------



## Slime (Jul 23, 2020)

A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent:​​He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. “Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it.”​​The farmer was dubious. “Young man, I’ll make you a proposition. I’ll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I’ll buy a whole case from you.”​​The salesman was delighted.​​They went to the field and he stripped.​The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. And back to the house went the farmer.​The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard and drawn, but not one bite on him.​​The farmer was perplexed. “Son.” He said, “Now, you don’t have a bite on you, but you look like hell! What the devil happened?”​​​The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked.​​​​​​​​​​​“For crying out loud, Mister, doesn’t that calf have a Mother?”​​​
​


----------



## Leftie (Jul 23, 2020)

My aunt Marge has been ill for long we've changed her name to "I Can't Believe She's Not Better".


----------



## Leftie (Jul 23, 2020)

I really wish Beyonce had married Roy Castle.


----------



## Leftie (Jul 23, 2020)

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.


----------



## ColchesterFC (Jul 24, 2020)




----------



## sunshine (Jul 24, 2020)

rulefan said:



			I went to the garage to fill my car late last night but it was closed. The notice said it was open 24/7.
I guess I’ll have to go back tomorrow.
		
Click to expand...

Very good! How long have you been waiting to use that one?


----------



## Swinglowandslow (Jul 24, 2020)

sunshine said:



			Very good! How long have you been waiting to use that one?
		
Click to expand...

Since 24 July 2019😀


----------



## SwingsitlikeHogan (Jul 24, 2020)

It might be a small world - but I wouldn't want to have to paint it (Chic Murray)


----------



## SwingsitlikeHogan (Jul 24, 2020)

I went round to see my lady neighbour - she opened the door in her nightdress - odd place to have a door I thought...(CM)


----------



## rosecott (Jul 24, 2020)

Leftie said:



			I really wish Beyonce had married Roy Castle.
		
Click to expand...

I think you peaked on your previous post


----------



## Slime (Jul 24, 2020)




----------



## need_my_wedge (Jul 25, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jul 26, 2020)




----------



## SwingsitlikeHogan (Jul 27, 2020)

Slime said:









Click to expand...

If a Smurf can do it then so can I...ah - not all was what it seemed - he's not a Smurf...


----------



## Mudball (Jul 27, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jul 29, 2020)




----------



## Mudball (Jul 29, 2020)

WTF..


----------



## arnieboy (Jul 29, 2020)

I often get those when logging in, pain in the proverbial.


----------



## Mudball (Jul 29, 2020)

arnieboy said:



			I often get those when logging in, pain in the proverbial.
		
Click to expand...

Did you find the bicycle though?


----------



## Dando (Jul 29, 2020)

Mudball said:



			Did you find the bicycle though?
		
Click to expand...

You can guarantee it’s not in the cycle lane


----------



## Mudball (Jul 29, 2020)

Dando said:



			You can guarantee it’s not in the cycle lane
		
Click to expand...


  Plus it is America, so wont find one either..


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Jul 29, 2020)

Dando said:



			You can guarantee it’s not in the cycle lane
		
Click to expand...

It's going the wrong way down the one-way street with its three mates, all riding abreast and holding up a ton of cars behind them in a sea of lycra.


----------



## bobmac (Jul 30, 2020)

Navman have released a new ''seniors satnav''
It tells you how to get somewhere and also why you wanted to go there.


----------



## Slime (Jul 30, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jul 30, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jul 31, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jul 31, 2020)




----------



## Leftie (Jul 31, 2020)

Slime said:



View attachment 31819

Click to expand...

Just as an aside, this has brought back some memories.  Many, many years ago (probably before most of you were born), I worked at a company in Epsom that had a weighbridge.  Whenever a horsebox arrived, (some of) the office girls would rush to the windows to watch the horse being led out to be weighed.  For some reason that evades me, there was far more attention shown to the frisky stallions than the fillies.


----------



## williamalex1 (Aug 1, 2020)

Seemingly Elton John wont eat lettuce, because he's a Rocket man


----------



## ColchesterFC (Aug 1, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Aug 3, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Aug 3, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Aug 3, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Aug 3, 2020)

i used to date a girl who had a parrot and the bloody thing never shut up.

the parrot was pretty cool though


----------



## bobmac (Aug 4, 2020)

Slime said:



View attachment 31861

Click to expand...

I use Daz


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Aug 4, 2020)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (Aug 4, 2020)

I just took advantage of the Government's eating-out discount plan and went to a Cannibal-themed bistro.   It was only £30 a head.


----------



## Slime (Aug 4, 2020)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Aug 4, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Aug 4, 2020)

Pathetic Shark said:



			I just took advantage of the Government's eating-out discount plan and went to a Cannibal-themed bistro.   It was only £30 a head.
		
Click to expand...

I went there and was pleasantly surprised ........................... I thought it would cost me an arm and a leg!


----------



## Doon frae Troon (Aug 5, 2020)

https://www.msn.com/en-gb/entertain...usly-they-re-genius/ar-BB17AJrX?ocid=msedgdhp 
Look forward to this.
At least the puppets don't need to socially distance.


----------



## Slime (Aug 5, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Aug 5, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Aug 5, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Aug 6, 2020)




----------



## yandabrown (Aug 7, 2020)




----------



## AmandaJR (Aug 7, 2020)

yandabrown said:



View attachment 31912

Click to expand...

Love it. One of the best yet!


----------



## Slime (Aug 7, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Aug 7, 2020)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Aug 8, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Aug 8, 2020)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Aug 9, 2020)

A crane that looks like Freddie Mercury 😂


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Aug 9, 2020)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (Aug 10, 2020)




----------



## Deleted member 16999 (Aug 10, 2020)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1292733412931969024


----------



## Lord Tyrion (Aug 10, 2020)

pauldj42 said:




__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1292733412931969024

Click to expand...

That was a proper keyboard spraying moment . 

Only Carol could get away with that


----------



## ColchesterFC (Aug 10, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Aug 10, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Aug 11, 2020)

An elderly gentleman has passed out on the London Eye.
Paramedics have said he’s coming round slowly


----------



## Slime (Aug 11, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Aug 11, 2020)




----------



## backwoodsman (Aug 12, 2020)

A steam railway enthusiast committed suicide by jumping in front of the Flying Scotsman. He was chuffed to bits ...


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Aug 12, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Aug 12, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Aug 13, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Aug 14, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Aug 14, 2020)




----------



## Blue in Munich (Aug 15, 2020)




----------



## Blue in Munich (Aug 15, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Aug 15, 2020)

At a recent wedding I whispered to the guy next to me,
"Isn't that bride a right ugly munter".

"HOW DARE YOU! That's my daughter you're talking about!"

"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father".

I'm not, you ignorant sod, I'm her bloody mother!"


----------



## Dando (Aug 15, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Aug 15, 2020)




----------



## Blue in Munich (Aug 15, 2020)




----------



## Blue in Munich (Aug 15, 2020)




----------



## Blue in Munich (Aug 15, 2020)




----------



## Blue in Munich (Aug 15, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Aug 15, 2020)

We know how she feels 😂


----------



## Slime (Aug 15, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Aug 16, 2020)

The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”

Now I have no idea what to do, because the oven door is facing the wall.


----------



## ColchesterFC (Aug 17, 2020)

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to see a Monkees tribute band play in Switzerland. Then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.


----------



## bobmac (Aug 17, 2020)

Slime said:



			The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”

Now I have no idea what to do, because the oven door is facing the wall.
		
Click to expand...

Are you going to tell the one about opening a tin and standing in hot water for 20 mins?


----------



## bobmac (Aug 17, 2020)

ColchesterFC said:



			I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to see a Monkees tribute band play in Switzerland. Then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
		
Click to expand...

For the younger (under 50) members of the forum......


----------



## Slime (Aug 17, 2020)

I recently caught my kid chewing through the kettle lead. 
I was shocked but resisted the urge to ground him. 
I was positive but with just the right amount of negativity and now he's conducting himself properly


----------



## ColchesterFC (Aug 17, 2020)

I had a mate that got struck by lightning while sitting on the toilet. He said it was a complete shock to the cistern.


----------



## Slime (Aug 18, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Aug 18, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Aug 18, 2020)

Maybe it’s best they didn’t sit an exam


----------



## srixon 1 (Aug 18, 2020)

Dando said:



			Maybe it’s best they didn’t sit an exam 
	View attachment 32081

Click to expand...

Lower case g in Gavin too. When I went to school names were proper nouns so had a capital first letter.


----------



## Rooter (Aug 19, 2020)

srixon 1 said:



			Lower case g in Gavin too. When I went to school names were proper nouns so had a capital first letter.
		
Click to expand...

Teachers does not need a capital either, D at best, see me after class.


----------



## Slime (Aug 19, 2020)

Rooter said:



			Teachers does not need a capital either, D at best, see me after class.
		
Click to expand...

No comma after the word 'grades'.
Very poor.


----------



## Slime (Aug 19, 2020)




----------



## bobmac (Aug 19, 2020)

Rooter said:



*Teachers does* not need a capital either, D at best, see me after class.
		
Click to expand...

You almost got me going there.


----------



## Blue in Munich (Aug 19, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Aug 20, 2020)




----------



## Swinglowandslow (Aug 20, 2020)

Thank you all for these. A real pick- me -up.


----------



## srixon 1 (Aug 20, 2020)

Our ladies section have just made a "calender girls" calender for next year. Various poses around the golf course. All for a good cause so I will buy one. However, not sure if I am brave enough to look at the pictures. 😂


----------



## Norrin Radd (Aug 21, 2020)

srixon 1 said:



			Our ladies section have just made a "calender girls" calender for next year. Various poses around the golf course. All for a good cause so I will buy one. However, not sure if I am brave enough to look at the pictures. 😂
		
Click to expand...

photographic evidence on the forum or it didnt happen


----------



## Dando (Aug 21, 2020)

Harry Maguire still in police custody as Manchester United express reluctance at paying the entrie bail fee this summer. They prefer to spread the cost over two years with a series of add-ons.


----------



## Slime (Aug 21, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Aug 21, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Aug 22, 2020)




----------



## jim8flog (Aug 23, 2020)

This is what you get when hit the reply button instead of the like button.


----------



## Slime (Aug 23, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Aug 24, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Aug 24, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Aug 25, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Aug 26, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Aug 26, 2020)




----------



## bobmac (Aug 27, 2020)




----------



## Blue in Munich (Aug 27, 2020)

bobmac said:









Click to expand...

Much as they have a point, the original sign was, as I understand it, born of an avoidable fatality involving an infant.

Another good idea abused by idiots.


----------



## sawtooth (Aug 27, 2020)




----------



## Leftie (Aug 27, 2020)

The SNIP thread ??


----------



## bobmac (Aug 27, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Aug 27, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Aug 28, 2020)

The NottingHillCarnival has been cancelled this year, but not to worry, you can recreate the entire 'experience' at home by simply banging some saucepans together for 16hrs, taking a dump in your front garden, handing over your wallet to a complete stranger and stabbing yourself


----------



## Slime (Aug 28, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Aug 28, 2020)

Apparently, the RAF are working on building an invisible aeroplane.



I can't see that taking off!


----------



## ColchesterFC (Aug 29, 2020)

Looks like Essex could be getting several inches overnight. High chance of a stiff breeze as well?


----------



## bobmac (Aug 30, 2020)




----------



## Pin-seeker (Aug 30, 2020)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1299986771237908482


----------



## Mudball (Aug 30, 2020)

Depends on perspective.. funny or not... the replies on the tweet are equallly interesting 


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1299813978638561281


----------



## Leftie (Aug 31, 2020)

I don't know. You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend any more.


----------



## ColchesterFC (Aug 31, 2020)

What were the chances......


----------



## Mudball (Aug 31, 2020)




----------



## backwoodsman (Aug 31, 2020)

ColchesterFC said:



			What were the chances......
View attachment 32210

Click to expand...

If that's not a simple piece of photoshop work, then I'm a monkey's uncle. ...


----------



## Imurg (Aug 31, 2020)

When one door closes another one opens.....

Apart from that it's a decent car....


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Sep 1, 2020)

Mudball said:








Click to expand...

I want rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists.


----------



## Mudball (Sep 1, 2020)

Pathetic Shark said:



			I want rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists.
		
Click to expand...

jehovah witness?


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Sep 1, 2020)

Mudball said:



			jehovah witness?
		
Click to expand...

It's Hedley Lamarr's epic rant of bad guys he wants in Blazing Saddles.


----------



## Norrin Radd (Sep 1, 2020)

Pathetic Shark said:



			It's Hedley Lamarr's epic rant of bad guys he wants in Blazing Saddles.
		
Click to expand...

loved that scene ,especially Slim Pickens saying 
"gosh mr lamar you use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore."
blazing saddles is my second most favourite film ever.
[snatch is first]


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Sep 1, 2020)

Norrin Radd said:



			loved that scene ,especially Slim Pickens saying
"gosh mr lamar you use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore."
blazing saddles is my second most favourite film ever.
[snatch is first]
		
Click to expand...

"Baby I am not from Havana"      

My second favourite too behind Top Gun.


----------



## Slime (Sep 1, 2020)




----------



## Norrin Radd (Sep 2, 2020)

Slime said:



View attachment 32238

Click to expand...

Unfortunately that sign isn't a joke as it feels like 147years when you are stuck in the traffic jams they cause 👍


----------



## Slime (Sep 2, 2020)




----------



## Fade and Die (Sep 2, 2020)

In company I used to cough to cover a fart but now I have to fart to cover a cough! 💨


----------



## Slime (Sep 3, 2020)




----------



## Mudball (Sep 3, 2020)




----------



## Orikoru (Sep 3, 2020)

__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10222065136844955



 Man I love the keyboard player's face - "that's his f up not mine. I'm just going to keep on playing."


----------



## Doon frae Troon (Sep 3, 2020)

In the last couple of days I could not understand why my Facebook was being filled up with the most horrible racist right wing extremist rubbish.
My tech advisor said give me your phone.

Two minutes later
Did you seriously mean to join the 'I Love Rule Britannia Group' or did you do it in error.


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Sep 4, 2020)




----------



## Leftie (Sep 4, 2020)

As the US passes 6 million Covid cases, Mexico finally offers to pay for the wall.


----------



## Dando (Sep 4, 2020)

If you borrow £250,000 from your bank they will let you pay it back over 30 years.
If you enter with a shotgun and steal it you will only be in prison for 9 years.

Follow me for more financial advice


----------



## Slime (Sep 4, 2020)




----------



## bobmac (Sep 5, 2020)




----------



## AmandaJR (Sep 5, 2020)

bobmac said:



View attachment 32269

Click to expand...

We changed our doorbell to one with different chimes as the standard "ding dong" had Barley going nutso when it was on TV. Now he doesn't bat an eyelid to that sound - still goes nutso at the actual doorbell though!


----------



## arnieboy (Sep 5, 2020)

Our dog goes nuts when a bell is rung on a quiz show and we don't even have a doorbell!


----------



## Doon frae Troon (Sep 5, 2020)

A great way of getting my daughter's dog into our house when he refuses to come in from our garden is to ring the front door bell.


----------



## Slime (Sep 5, 2020)

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

The store clerks called an ambulance when they saw him collapse on the floor.

The paramedics rushed him to hospital where he had emergency open heart surgery....

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.

A nun seated next to his bed holding a clip board with several forms and a pen.

She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

‘Do you have health insurance?’ she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, ‘no health insurance’.

The nun asked ‘Do you have money in the bank?’

He replied ‘No money in the bank’.

‘Do you have relatives who could help you with the payments?’ asked the irritated nun.

He said ‘I only have a spinster sister and she is a nun’.

The nun became agitated and announced loudly ’Nuns are not spinsters! They are married to God’.

The patient replied ‘’Perfect, send the bill to my brother-in-law’


----------



## Slime (Sep 6, 2020)




----------



## AmandaJR (Sep 6, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Sep 6, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Sep 6, 2020)

I'm not sure whether this is a joke or merely a sad statement of fact!


----------



## Smiffy (Sep 7, 2020)




----------



## Mudball (Sep 7, 2020)

when in Rome...


----------



## Leftie (Sep 7, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Sep 7, 2020)




----------



## Mudball (Sep 7, 2020)

not funny if you a Republican and Christian....  I could post this under the Trump thread, but then it would become funny and political...  so just keeping it funny


----------



## Slime (Sep 7, 2020)




----------



## Mudball (Sep 8, 2020)

New United kit...


----------



## Mudball (Sep 8, 2020)

(Hopefully not seen as political )


----------



## Slime (Sep 8, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Sep 9, 2020)

*Two hunters flew to Canada on a hunting trip.

They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.They bagged SIX!

When loading the plane for their return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.The two lads objected strongly.

"Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours".  Very reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were eventually loaded.

The plane took off.However, when attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't possibly handle the load ...and went down.Somehow - surrounded by the moose bodies - only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.*

*After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick
"Any idea where we are?"*

*Mick replied,*

*"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year" *


----------



## Dando (Sep 9, 2020)

Mudball said:



			New United kit...


View attachment 32315

Click to expand...


----------



## Mudball (Sep 10, 2020)

I feel like Tiger/pro today... when folks report that a ball moved on TV and you get a penalty... 

...  tnx for those who reported the post... i have been (deservedly) warned..


----------



## Slime (Sep 10, 2020)




----------



## yandabrown (Sep 11, 2020)




----------



## Mudball (Sep 11, 2020)

Trust the Sun to have a headline like this


----------



## CliveW (Sep 11, 2020)

Mudball said:



			Trust the Sun to have a headline like this

View attachment 32331

Click to expand...

Why was DJ wearing a skin tight dress?


----------



## GreiginFife (Sep 11, 2020)

CliveW said:



			Why was DJ wearing a skin tight dress?
		
Click to expand...

It's my fave kind of tabloid headline style. Man attacks shopkeeper with knife! Why the bloody hell did the shopkeeper have a knife?


----------



## Slime (Sep 11, 2020)




----------



## Leftie (Sep 12, 2020)

*As exercise can add years to your life I jogged a few miles today and already feel 10 years older*


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Sep 13, 2020)

GreiginFife said:



			It's my fave kind of tabloid headline style. Man attacks shopkeeper with knife! Why the bloody hell did the shopkeeper have a knife? 

Click to expand...

The famous one from over 100 years ago....  "English push bottles up Germans"


----------



## Slime (Sep 13, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Sep 13, 2020)




----------



## Mudball (Sep 13, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Sep 13, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Sep 13, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Sep 13, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Sep 13, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Sep 13, 2020)

Man arrested after falling into farm machinery whilst trying to steal it. 
He is due to be bailed on Friday.


----------



## ColchesterFC (Sep 13, 2020)




----------



## Norrin Radd (Sep 14, 2020)

What is the definition of countryside?

(Answer will be revealed later this evening)


----------



## Slime (Sep 14, 2020)




----------



## Norrin Radd (Sep 14, 2020)

Norrin Radd said:



			What is the definition of countryside?

(Answer will be revealed later this evening)
		
Click to expand...

Someone killing piers morgan


----------



## Imurg (Sep 14, 2020)

Norrin Radd said:



			What is the definition of countryside?

(Answer will be revealed later this evening)
		
Click to expand...

I was about to post thats it where David Cameron lives.....


----------



## Kellfire (Sep 14, 2020)

Been watching a lot of Jimmy Carr and Frankie Boyle on YouTube the last couple of days. Love it when they crank up the offensive stuff.


----------



## Mudball (Sep 15, 2020)

The Moggster claims testing is a Govt success  story...  What a laugh


----------



## Orikoru (Sep 15, 2020)

Mudball said:



			The Moggster claims testing is a Govt success  story...  What a laugh






Click to expand...

Rees-Mong's kid got a test so everything is hunky-dory!


----------



## Fade and Die (Sep 15, 2020)




----------



## Imurg (Sep 15, 2020)

Fade and Die said:



View attachment 32371

Click to expand...

I found a Spurs tee on the 2nd hole today and used it.
It snapped....couldn't take the pressure....


----------



## ColchesterFC (Sep 15, 2020)

I saw a Spurs season ticket nailed to a tree. I thought, "I'm having that". 

After all, you can never have enough nails.


----------



## Fade and Die (Sep 15, 2020)

Imurg said:



			I found a Spurs tee on the 2nd hole today and used it.
It snapped....couldn't take the pressure....
		
Click to expand...

Not to be confused with the Chelsea ones..... Plastic.


----------



## Orikoru (Sep 15, 2020)

Fade and Die said:



View attachment 32371

Click to expand...

From a West Ham fan? Did I miss something??


----------



## Fade and Die (Sep 16, 2020)

Orikoru said:



			From a West Ham fan? Did I miss something?? 

Click to expand...

I must have been giddy from our cup win! 🏆


----------



## ColchesterFC (Sep 16, 2020)

Anyone else have an  issue with bears doing drug deals in their back garden? 




(Stolen from @MaidenSarah1 on Twitter)


----------



## williamalex1 (Sep 16, 2020)

ColchesterFC said:



			Anyone else have an  issue with bears doing drug deals in their back garden?

View attachment 32375


(Stolen from @MaidenSarah1 on Twitter)
		
Click to expand...

Watch out there's usually 3 of them


----------



## CliveW (Sep 16, 2020)

williamalex1 said:



			Watch out there's usually 3 of them 

Click to expand...

It's  probably skitting in the woods.


----------



## ColchesterFC (Sep 16, 2020)

I renewed my car insurance over the phone today and as I was about to hang up the woman on the other end asked if I had a pet. I said, "Yes, I've got a dog." She said, "Would you like to insure him too?"

I said, "No thanks, he can't drive!"


----------



## Slime (Sep 16, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Sep 16, 2020)




----------



## srixon 1 (Sep 17, 2020)

Not a joke, but just heard this from the kitchen when father-in-law was talking to my wife. 
Him. "Why does this web address not work, is there something wrong with your internet?"
Her. " that's because you are trying to use an email address to search in the browser".

old people and the internet😂


----------



## Dando (Sep 17, 2020)

Lock down has been tough for joe pasquale


----------



## Dando (Sep 17, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Sep 17, 2020)

My wife asked me what her favourite flower was.
Apparently, Homepride isn't the right answer


----------



## Dando (Sep 17, 2020)

For Xmas Mrs d has asked for something she can use in the bath.

Has anyone got a toaster for sale?


----------



## Dando (Sep 17, 2020)

Outside the off-license, some teenagers asked if I could get them 20 Richmonds, which I did.
I got a load of abuse from them so I told them to buy their own bloody sausages next time.


----------



## Slime (Sep 17, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Sep 17, 2020)




----------



## Norrin Radd (Sep 17, 2020)

Dando said:



			For Xmas Mrs d has asked for something she can use in the bath.

Has anyone got a toaster for sale?
		
Click to expand...

I'm not buying my Mrs a Xmas present this year as she hasn't opened last year's yet .



Oh I bought her a plot


----------



## Mudball (Sep 17, 2020)

Looks like Daniel Craig has been working on his Yorkshire accent 


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1306517527560937472


----------



## Mudball (Sep 18, 2020)




----------



## Rooter (Sep 18, 2020)

Mudball said:



			Looks like Daniel Craig has been working on his Yorkshire accent


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1306517527560937472

Click to expand...

And we wonder why there are now strict local lockdowns. What a plank.


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Sep 18, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Sep 19, 2020)

A prisoner escapes from his California prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it.

He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he is there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck.
If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you".

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any VASELINE in the bathroom.
Be strong, honey .................................................................... I love you too..."                     
​


----------



## Slime (Sep 20, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Sep 20, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Sep 20, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Sep 21, 2020)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Sep 23, 2020)




----------



## bobmac (Sep 23, 2020)

Sadly, none of us have escaped scot-free


----------



## Mudball (Sep 23, 2020)




----------



## Leftie (Sep 23, 2020)

ColchesterFC said:



View attachment 32487

Click to expand...

I actually chuckled out loud on that one


----------



## Slime (Sep 24, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Sep 24, 2020)




----------



## need_my_wedge (Sep 24, 2020)




----------



## GreiginFife (Sep 24, 2020)

need_my_wedge said:



View attachment 32498

Click to expand...

Slime #1076 beat you to that one 😁


----------



## ADB (Sep 24, 2020)




----------



## need_my_wedge (Sep 24, 2020)

GreiginFife said:



			Slime #1076 beat you to that one 😁
		
Click to expand...

I did wonder, but didn't have time to look back


----------



## Smiffy (Sep 24, 2020)

Down the doctors having a prostate examination. 
Half way through, the doctor said "don't be embarrassed Mr Smith, it's not unusual for a man to get an erection while I'm doing this" 
"But I haven't got an erection" I replied. 
"No, but I have" he said 
😳😳😳😳


----------



## need_my_wedge (Sep 24, 2020)

__
		http://instagr.am/p/CFe4zjVlosM/


----------



## Mudball (Sep 24, 2020)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1308755603247034368


----------



## Slime (Sep 24, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Sep 24, 2020)




----------



## JollyRedDevil (Sep 25, 2020)

Trump


----------



## Slime (Sep 25, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Sep 25, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Sep 26, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Sep 26, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Sep 26, 2020)

I thought I’d spice things up in the bedroom with mrs d by playing doctors and nurses.
diagnosing her as clinically obese is a mood killer


----------



## Slime (Sep 27, 2020)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Sep 27, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Sep 27, 2020)

Doc : I'm sorry to say, but your condition is terminal.

Patient : Oh my God, how much time do I have left?

Doc : 10

Patient : 10 what?

Doc : 9


----------



## rulefan (Sep 27, 2020)

Patient goes for annual check up.
Doctor: "I'm afraid I have some bad news"
Patient: "OK, what is it?"
Doc: "Well, I'm afraid you have cancer."
Patient: "Oh dear" and then breaks down in tears. After a minute or so he says "Is there anything else?" 
Doc: "I'm afraid you have Alzheimer's" 
Patient: " Thank goodness. At least I haven't got cancer"


----------



## Slime (Sep 27, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Sep 27, 2020)




----------



## Imurg (Sep 27, 2020)

I laughed at this waay more than I should have.....


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1310105594116833284


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Sep 28, 2020)

Guys please watch what you post up
If it’s remotely political or sexist then it’s going to be taken down


----------



## SwingsitlikeHogan (Sep 28, 2020)

...gawping at KMs verbal gymnastics isn‘t political (for a start you have to know who it is)  ... it’s just funny - but hey ... there you go and it’s gone - and so be it 🤔😍


----------



## Mudball (Sep 28, 2020)

This does risk being political and sexist at the same time... a perfect Venn diagram ..


----------



## Slime (Sep 28, 2020)

PhilTheFragger said:



			Guys please watch what you post up
If it’s remotely political or sexist then it’s going to be taken down
		
Click to expand...


----------



## Slime (Sep 28, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Sep 29, 2020)

If anyone wants to sponsor me I’m doing a 0.0000005k run to raise awareness for laziness


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Sep 29, 2020)

I was going to sponsor someone raising money for apathy awareness but I couldn't be arsed.


----------



## yandabrown (Sep 29, 2020)

*Just got an email from Google detailing how they have devised a way to read maps backwards...*
Turns out to be spam


----------



## clubchamp98 (Sep 29, 2020)

PhilTheFragger said:



			Guys please watch what you post up
If it’s remotely political or sexist then it’s going to be taken down
		
Click to expand...

That’s sexist just warning the Guys.


----------



## backwoodsman (Sep 29, 2020)

clubchamp98 said:



			That’s sexist just warning the Guys.
		
Click to expand...

Not really.

Where you been this past 20 years or so? Guys has been an androgynous plural noun for ages.


----------



## Rooter (Sep 29, 2020)

backwoodsman said:



			Not really.

Where you been this past 20 years or so? Guys has been an androgynous plural noun for ages.
		
Click to expand...

guy
/ɡʌɪ/

_noun_
plural noun: *guys*
INFORMAL
a man.
"he's a nice guy"

While I was there, I did another search:






pedant
/ˈpɛd(ə)nt/


_noun_
noun: *pedant*; plural noun: *pedants*

a person who is excessively concerned with minor details and rules or with displaying academic learning.


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Sep 29, 2020)

clubchamp98 said:



			That’s sexist just warning the Guys.
		
Click to expand...

So I self-identify on this thread as being female (and I definitely putt like one sometimes) can I post something dodgy?  
Only kidding Fragger, you're doing a great job!


----------



## Dando (Sep 29, 2020)

I'm rubbish at Greek mythology. 
It's always been my Achilles elbow.


----------



## clubchamp98 (Sep 29, 2020)

backwoodsman said:



			Not really.

Where you been this past 20 years or so? Guys has been an androgynous plural noun for ages.
		
Click to expand...

Same place as your sense of humour obviously.


----------



## GreiginFife (Sep 29, 2020)

Just watched a Tv programme about metal fastening. 

It was riveting...


----------



## Slime (Sep 29, 2020)

GreiginFife said:



			Just watched a Tv programme about metal fastening.

It was riveting...
		
Click to expand...

I wanted to watch that but, unfortunately, I missed it as I was busy reading a book about the invention of superglue.
I couldn't put it down.


----------



## Slime (Sep 29, 2020)




----------



## Leftie (Sep 29, 2020)

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.  I was like, 0mg!


----------



## Leftie (Sep 29, 2020)

Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.


----------



## clubchamp98 (Sep 29, 2020)

Leftie said:



			Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
		
Click to expand...

Origami surely you ever had a paper cut.?


----------



## Smiffy (Sep 30, 2020)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Sep 30, 2020)

Smiffy said:



View attachment 32567

Click to expand...

And a couple of them are looking a bit dodgy 👍😂😂


----------



## Doon frae Troon (Sep 30, 2020)

Slime said:



			I wanted to watch that but, unfortunately, I missed it as I was busy reading a book about the invention of superglue.
I couldn't put it down.
		
Click to expand...

Not for me.
I got stuck halfway through it.


----------



## Slime (Sep 30, 2020)




----------



## rulefan (Sep 30, 2020)

A lorry loaded with superglue has crashed on the A1. Police say all motorists should stick to the inside lane.


----------



## Doon frae Troon (Sep 30, 2020)

There is a large NATO operation going on the NE Scotland at the moment.
As a new move the Danish and Norwegian ships have large barcodes on their bows so that when they enter ports they can Scandanavian.


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Sep 30, 2020)

In the Vatican's annual boxing competition, the Pope was disqualified for administering the last rite.


----------



## Mudball (Sep 30, 2020)

Nothing better than being on national television...


----------



## Leftie (Sep 30, 2020)

A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks: “Is this stool taken?”


----------



## ADB (Sep 30, 2020)

Rugby Tickets
Lions v Springboks
2nd Test 31st July 2021, Cape Town

This may be of interest to some on here. A friend of mine has two tickets in a corporate box for Lions v SA. He paid £300 each, but he didn't realise when he bought them that it was going to be the same day as his Covid postponed wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for some one to take his place.

Its at Pontypridd Registry Office at 4.30pm. The bride's name is Megan, she's 5'4", about 8 stone with brown hair and freckles.


----------



## Smiffy (Oct 1, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Oct 1, 2020)




----------



## Mudball (Oct 1, 2020)




----------



## Mudball (Oct 1, 2020)

without wanting to get political here... been reading Ms Patel's fancy ideas of sending refugees to an island (not the first time by Britain) and holding them on old boats as well as Gove's proposal of putting an electronic border around Kent...   All this reminds me of


----------



## yandabrown (Oct 1, 2020)




----------



## Orikoru (Oct 1, 2020)

Mudball said:



			without wanting to get political here... been reading Ms Patel's fancy ideas of sending refugees to an island (not the first time by Britain) and holding them on old boats as well as Gove's proposal of putting an electronic border around Kent...   All this reminds me of







Click to expand...

Ah you're making me want to watch all the series again.


----------



## bobmac (Oct 1, 2020)

yandabrown said:



View attachment 32627

Click to expand...

Wow, we've come so far


----------



## Mudball (Oct 1, 2020)

Orikoru said:



			Ah you're making me want to watch all the series again.
		
Click to expand...

Go on..there is no shame... i watched it while 'at work' this morning...   made me cringe as i had seen the morning papers headlines..


----------



## Fade and Die (Oct 1, 2020)

How do you tell the sex of an Ant?

Drop it in water.....

If it sinks: Girl Ant

If it floats......


----------



## CliveW (Oct 1, 2020)

Fade and Die said:



			How do you tell the sex of an Ant?

Drop it in water.....

If it sinks: Girl Ant

If it floats......
		
Click to expand...

It took me a minute or two... 🤣


----------



## Slime (Oct 2, 2020)

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then you get 7 years of bad luck!










Condom: Hahaha... (walks off laughing)


----------



## Mudball (Oct 2, 2020)

Trump gets Covid from Hope Hicks...


----------



## Mudball (Oct 2, 2020)

This was off to the races quickly... 

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1311376007375527939


----------



## SwingsitlikeHogan (Oct 2, 2020)

Swinglowandslow said:



			You're  not meant ( as the poster) to be the one laughing. On this thread you are meant to make us laugh......
And saying you are not making a political point is blatantly not true.
		
Click to expand...

I made the political point long ago...and don’t need to remake it...I‘m liking and amused by the Lord of the Rings in this one...and I am sure the irony of the headline and article is very obvious to many on here.  Anyway - as I said - the headline made me laugh and feel better - so excellent medicine indeed - for me if no-one else.


----------



## Fade and Die (Oct 2, 2020)

SwingsitlikeHogan said:



			I made the political point long ago...and don’t need to remake it...I‘m liking and amused by the Lord of the Rings in this one...and I am sure the irony of the headline and article is very obvious to many on here.  Anyway - as I said - the headline made me laugh and feel better - so excellent medicine indeed - for me if no-one else.
		
Click to expand...

Shoulda popped it in “Things that gladden the heart” maybe? This is “Laughter is the best medicine” where people post puns and funnies that try to make people laugh during this bad time. (Except Mudball who only posts thinly veiled political jibes🥱)


----------



## SwingsitlikeHogan (Oct 2, 2020)

Fade and Die said:



			Shoulda popped it in “Things that gladden the heart” maybe? This is “Laughter is the best medicine” where people post puns and funnies that try to make people laugh during this bad time. (Except Mudball who only posts thinly veiled political jibes🥱)
		
Click to expand...

Ah yes - quite right - wrong thread - it did indeed gladden my heart - as it made me laugh with the irony


----------



## ColchesterFC (Oct 3, 2020)




----------



## CliveW (Oct 3, 2020)

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"
The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"
The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"
The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with the stewardess for the next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel, which is paid for by my employer. "
The moral of the story is:
When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to be despised either.
This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, Smarter.
Dedicated to all my friends who like me likes the S.O.S. approach!


----------



## Dando (Oct 3, 2020)

Great start to the weekend, just did a 30 minute run in a Personal Best of 46.25.


----------



## chrisd (Oct 3, 2020)

Dando said:



			Great start to the weekend, just did a 30 minute run in a Personal Best of 46.25.
		
Click to expand...

That's nothing - I did a 46 minute run in 30 minutes - just hope the copper with the radar gun didnt get my registration plate 😁


----------



## Mudball (Oct 3, 2020)

The mod deleted a post containing a ‘Thick of It’ video... Reason: Swearing. 


Next time I will post it after the 9pm Watershed ...


----------



## Leftie (Oct 3, 2020)

After 7 years of medical training and hard work, my friend has been struck off for a minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession that he loves. What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.


----------



## Slime (Oct 3, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Oct 3, 2020)




----------



## IainP (Oct 3, 2020)




----------



## Orikoru (Oct 3, 2020)

IainP said:



View attachment 32694

Click to expand...

That could easily be a genuine quote.


----------



## Dando (Oct 3, 2020)

I didn’t think I was the type of person to get up at silly o’clock in the morning to go for a run. 
And I was right


----------



## Leftie (Oct 3, 2020)

To be honest, my first thought on seeing that Jeremy Corbyn had breached the government’s Rule of Six was how the hell did he find eight people who were prepared to have dinner with him?


----------



## Leftie (Oct 3, 2020)

I put my donor card into the cash machine by mistake.  It cost me an arm and a leg.


----------



## Mudball (Oct 4, 2020)

I have seen some similar ones..



__ https://www.facebook.com/118526656660/posts/10157867076816661


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Oct 4, 2020)

Mudball said:



			The mod deleted a post containing a ‘Thick of It’ video... Reason: Swearing.


Next time I will post it after the 9pm Watershed ...
		
Click to expand...

Next time it might be an infraction 
Cmon you know how we work here 👍


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Oct 4, 2020)

I was going to post a comment about Gareth Bale but I thought it might be against the forum rules because it was blatantly right-wing.


----------



## User62651 (Oct 4, 2020)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1312455665953071105


----------



## Mudball (Oct 4, 2020)

Pathetic Shark said:



			I was going to post a comment about Gareth Bale but I thought it might be against the forum rules because it was blatantly right-wing.
		
Click to expand...

You could take the BBC approach...   Add a sentence about Sterling or Ronaldo ... bingo, you now have a balanced post..


----------



## Slime (Oct 4, 2020)




----------



## SwingsitlikeHogan (Oct 5, 2020)

Pathetic Shark said:



			I was going to post a comment about Gareth Bale but I thought it might be against the forum rules because it was blatantly right-wing.
		
Click to expand...

And no negative comments about Romelu Lukaku footballing attributes - as that could be deemed to be religious


----------



## yandabrown (Oct 5, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Oct 5, 2020)

maxfli65 said:




__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1312455665953071105

Click to expand...

That’s the sort of thing my dog would do just after he’s been to the groomer


----------



## Swinglowandslow (Oct 5, 2020)

Slime said:



View attachment 32719

Click to expand...

One of the most delightful pictures I've seen


----------



## Grizzly (Oct 5, 2020)

yandabrown said:



View attachment 32733

Click to expand...

Chris Rock - "President Trump has tested positive for the Coronavirus.  Our hearts go out...to the virus"


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Oct 5, 2020)

Trump's Covid test came back positive but his brain scan was negative.


----------



## Dando (Oct 5, 2020)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Oct 5, 2020)




----------



## yandabrown (Oct 5, 2020)

Sitting in A&E... I don’t really want to go into details ...

But the “Dyson Ball Cleaner” is a very misleading product.


----------



## Smiffy (Oct 6, 2020)




----------



## Mudball (Oct 6, 2020)




----------



## drdel (Oct 6, 2020)

maxfli65 said:




__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1312455665953071105

Click to expand...

Colour too uniform !!!


----------



## ColchesterFC (Oct 6, 2020)

(Taken from @jamesinsurrey on Twitter)


----------



## Dando (Oct 6, 2020)

my daughter passed her driving test yesterday so as a "well done" I said I'd get her something cheap to run about in.

apparently a pair of trainers from Lidl wasn't what she was expecting


----------



## Slime (Oct 6, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Oct 6, 2020)

I thought I'd go to work today without wearing my mask.





Worst scuba diving lesson I've ever given.


----------



## Slime (Oct 6, 2020)




----------



## Smiffy (Oct 8, 2020)

*"As one door closes, another one opens" was my Fathers most often used phrase.*

*He was a lovely man, but a terrible cabinet maker.*


----------



## Slime (Oct 8, 2020)




----------



## bobmac (Oct 8, 2020)

Boss... You've been late 4 times this week, do you know what that means?
Me... Today's Thursday ?


----------



## Slime (Oct 8, 2020)

If anyone wants any old  copies of osteopath weekly, I have several back issues.


----------



## Dando (Oct 8, 2020)

Today I learnt that 10 piranhas can strip the flesh off a fully grown man in 15 mins.
I also got fired from my job at the local swimming pool


----------



## Dando (Oct 8, 2020)

Mrs D accused me of being a cross dresser.
I was so angry I packed up her clothes and left


----------



## Slime (Oct 9, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Oct 9, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Oct 9, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Oct 9, 2020)




----------



## ADB (Oct 9, 2020)




----------



## bobmac (Oct 10, 2020)




----------



## Leftie (Oct 10, 2020)




----------



## Doon frae Troon (Oct 10, 2020)

ADB said:



View attachment 32850

Click to expand...

...till Monday so drink up.


----------



## Norrin Radd (Oct 10, 2020)

Leftie said:



View attachment 32855

Click to expand...

Until you reach 70 when they grow into lawn bowls, very heavy and lean to one side


----------



## Happy Bunny (Oct 10, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Oct 10, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Oct 11, 2020)




----------



## Swinglowandslow (Oct 11, 2020)

Norrin Radd said:



			Until you reach 70 when they grow into lawn bowls, very heavy and lean to one side
		
Click to expand...

You're just biased!


----------



## Slime (Oct 11, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Oct 11, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Oct 11, 2020)




----------



## bobmac (Oct 11, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Oct 12, 2020)

I just broke my personal best for the 100m

I ran 34m


----------



## Leftie (Oct 12, 2020)

Monday is a not the best way to spend a seventh of your life…


----------



## Leftie (Oct 12, 2020)

Have come up with brilliant new business idea - a home surgery kit called Suture Self.


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Oct 13, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Oct 13, 2020)




----------



## Crow (Oct 13, 2020)

I must be getting old, it took me ages until I could see something other than someone reading a book.


----------



## Fade and Die (Oct 13, 2020)




----------



## Mudball (Oct 13, 2020)

Too much pain on this forum...  This one dedicated to our selfless moderators


----------



## Norrin Radd (Oct 13, 2020)

Mudball said:



			Too much pain on this forum...  This one dedicated to our selfless moderators

View attachment 32916

Click to expand...

Surely that post is in the green party


----------



## ColchesterFC (Oct 13, 2020)




----------



## SocketRocket (Oct 13, 2020)

Norrin Radd said:



			Surely that post is in the green party
		
Click to expand...

It's the Last Post


----------



## SocketRocket (Oct 13, 2020)

I read that when it's raining in Sweden you have to put your headlights on by law.

How the hell do I know if it's raining in Sweden?


----------



## Leftie (Oct 13, 2020)

I phoned Sea World. They said my call was being recorded for training porpoises.


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Oct 14, 2020)

My son came home and said, "Dad, I've been awarded the Leslie Nielson trophy at school"
I said, "What's that?"
He said, "it's a large building full of children, but that's not important right now"


----------



## Dando (Oct 14, 2020)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Oct 14, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Oct 14, 2020)

Happy 80th birthday to Cliff Richard


----------



## Slime (Oct 14, 2020)




----------



## rulefan (Oct 16, 2020)

Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter, flight for 4 people?! I'm still looking for 2 more people to join us. We leave early Saturday (October 17) morning from Marbella and will fly to Gibraltar where we will have breakfast and then on a yacht in the harbour for lunch!
Then we’ll do a flight to Puerto Banus returning  for dinner.
If interested please pm us.


----------



## rulefan (Oct 16, 2020)

Sorry, forgot to say - 

Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go...


----------



## CliveW (Oct 16, 2020)

rulefan said:



			Sorry, forgot to say -

Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go...
		
Click to expand...

 Damn! I've got the helicopter but no yacht.


----------



## Mudball (Oct 16, 2020)

CliveW said:



			Damn! I've got the helicopter but no yacht.  

Click to expand...

I could loan you my big yellow duckie...  she floats well..


----------



## Mudball (Oct 16, 2020)

Anyone knows how long it takes to fix a hearing aid?

Sent mine couple of weeks and not heard anything since..


----------



## GreiginFife (Oct 16, 2020)

Mate of mine got a job painting social distancing marks on pavements. 
Say what you will about Martin, but you know where you stand with him...


----------



## Slime (Oct 16, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Oct 17, 2020)

If Carlsberg did pranks.


----------



## User62651 (Oct 17, 2020)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1317410070750167040


----------



## Dando (Oct 17, 2020)

Lockdown has taken its toll on Kenny Dalglish


----------



## Slime (Oct 18, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Oct 18, 2020)

My wife just bought herself a smart car. 








It won't let her in.


----------



## Slime (Oct 18, 2020)

I was putting petrol in my car and, without realising it, some petrol spilled onto my sleeve.
Whilst driving down the road, I lit a ciggy and my sleeve caught fire!
I put my arm out of the window, to put the flames out, and the next thing I knew I was being arrested.






Possession of a fire arm!


----------



## Mudball (Oct 19, 2020)

When golfers talk about Covid 


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1318171516639510529


----------



## Dando (Oct 19, 2020)

It’s no shock she lost


----------



## Slime (Oct 19, 2020)

Best MOT advisory of all time!!


----------



## Mudball (Oct 20, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Oct 20, 2020)




----------



## Mudball (Oct 20, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Oct 20, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Oct 20, 2020)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Oct 24, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Oct 24, 2020)




----------



## Imurg (Oct 24, 2020)

Very silly but it did make me chortle 

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1317793626387288064


----------



## Slime (Oct 24, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Oct 24, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Oct 24, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Oct 24, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Oct 24, 2020)




----------



## Mudball (Oct 24, 2020)

This tweet thread is hilarious .. 


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1319713621593784321


----------



## Slime (Oct 25, 2020)

A bit rude, but very funny.


----------



## CliveW (Oct 25, 2020)

Nicola Sturgeon was touring rural Scotland in the First Minister's chauffer driven car. Suddenly a cow jumped out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
Nicola, in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffer, "You get out and check - you were driving." The chauffer gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. "You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, "I can't afford to be blamed for anything." The chauffer walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.
"My goodness what happened to you?" asks Nicola. The chauffer replied, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me."
"What on earth did you say to them?" asked Nicola. "I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said, "I'm Nicola Sturgeon's chauffer and I've just killed the cow."


----------



## Slime (Oct 25, 2020)

What is E.T short for?







Because he has little legs.


----------



## Slime (Oct 25, 2020)




----------



## Mudball (Oct 26, 2020)

CliveW said:



			Nicola Sturgeon was touring rural Scotland in the First Minister's chauffer driven car. Suddenly a cow jumped out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
Nicola, in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffer, "You get out and check - you were driving." The chauffer gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. "You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, "I can't afford to be blamed for anything." The chauffer walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.
"My goodness what happened to you?" asks Nicola. The chauffer replied, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me."
"What on earth did you say to them?" asked Nicola. "I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said, "I'm Nicola Sturgeon's chauffer and I've just killed the cow."     

Click to expand...

 I hvae just reported you to the mods for making political posts.. .

.. also as a vegan, i am hurt because an animal was hurt by your reckless post.   I expect a full apology..


----------



## yandabrown (Oct 26, 2020)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (Oct 26, 2020)




----------



## Norrin Radd (Oct 26, 2020)

Slime said:



What is E.T short for?







Because he has little legs.      

Click to expand...

I can see what you were implying but just go back and read what you have posted as it doesn't make any sense at all ☺️


----------



## Norrin Radd (Oct 26, 2020)

What is brown and sits at the bottom of the wall.









Humpty dump


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Oct 26, 2020)

What is brown and sticky


A stick.


----------



## Leftie (Oct 26, 2020)

Scientists have grown human vocal cords from stem cells. The results speak for themselves.


----------



## ColchesterFC (Oct 26, 2020)

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?


A carrot.


----------



## need_my_wedge (Oct 27, 2020)




----------



## SwingsitlikeHogan (Oct 27, 2020)

It might be a small world - but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

She opened the door in her nightdress - and I thought - that's a funny place to have a door...

(courtesy Chic Murray)


----------



## Dando (Oct 27, 2020)

SwingsitlikeHogan said:



			It might be a small world - but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

She opened the door in her nightdress - and I thought - that's a funny place to have a door...

(courtesy Chic Murray)
		
Click to expand...

Was it the front or back door? 🤣


----------



## toyboy54 (Oct 27, 2020)

Clive W.......Re Mrs.Krankie,Brilliant (even SWMBO had a chuckle) !
Jimbo


----------



## Slime (Oct 27, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Oct 27, 2020)

When you walk into a bakery and order a cake for 8 people!


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Oct 28, 2020)

If alcohol can damage your short term memory ,just think what alcohol can do.

🙄🤭


----------



## drdel (Oct 28, 2020)

PhilTheFragger said:



			If alcohol can damage your short term memory ,just think what alcohol can do.

🙄🤭
		
Click to expand...

I've forgotten- please remind me, what's alcohol?


----------



## stefanovic (Oct 28, 2020)

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson go camping.
At around midnight Holmes wakes Watson, points to the night sky at asks him what that suggests.

Watson: Well, the stars up there are in fact suns, just like our own. That they are so feint suggests they are a long, long way away.
Some may even have planets just like our own Earth where life has evolved. Some life may be intelligent, just like ourselves. 
They may even have developed advanced technology and are watching us!

Holmes: No Watson, you fool. Someone has stolen our tent.


----------



## Dando (Oct 28, 2020)

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!" 

Passenger: "Who?" 

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time." 

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." 

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." 

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." 

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right." 

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then." 

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan." 

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" 

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his widow."


----------



## Dando (Oct 28, 2020)

A man is walking down the street, when he sees a funeral coming along. At the head of the funeral is a man with an Alsatian dog. Directly behind him is a long line of 40 or 50 men. Closely followed by a hearse. 

Curious, the man walks across to the man with the dog and asks who's funeral is it. 

"Its my wife's" he responds. 

" I'm sorry, how did she die" he asks. 

"We had a row, she started yelling at me, and my dog leapt up and killed her." 

The man was quiet for a moment, then asked. "Any chance I can borrow your dog?". 

The man points behind and says 

" Join the queue


----------



## Dando (Oct 28, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Oct 28, 2020)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Oct 28, 2020)




----------



## DRW (Oct 29, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Oct 29, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Oct 29, 2020)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (Oct 29, 2020)

I saw the cannibal family next door who have just come back from their holiday. The husband had his arm missing and the wife's left leg was gone. "What happened?" I asked. "We went self catering." they answered.


----------



## bobmac (Oct 30, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Oct 30, 2020)

bobmac said:



View attachment 33195

Click to expand...

Post #1284 .................................. doh!


----------



## bobmac (Oct 30, 2020)

Slime said:



			Post #1284 .................................. doh!
		
Click to expand...

Almost the same but not quite.


----------



## Orikoru (Oct 30, 2020)

bobmac said:



			Almost the same but not quite.  

Click to expand...

I didn't notice it was different until you said that.


----------



## rulefan (Oct 30, 2020)

Orikoru said:



			I didn't notice it was different until you said that.
		
Click to expand...

It's anticipated Corbyn from the front page of the Telegraph this morning.


----------



## Doon frae Troon (Oct 30, 2020)

Pathetic Shark said:



			What is brown and sticky


A stick.
		
Click to expand...

Not applicable nowadsys but in the 1950's..............
What is big, brown, smelly and comes steaming out of Cow[e]s backwards.
The IOW ferry.


----------



## Leftie (Oct 30, 2020)

Turning back the clocks and adding an hour to 2020 is like getting a bonus track on a Yoko One album.


----------



## Leftie (Oct 30, 2020)

My new satnav is really good. Yesterday I drove past a zoo and it said "bear left".


----------



## ColchesterFC (Oct 30, 2020)

I got Mrs Colch some lorry oil for her birthday as that's what she said she wanted. But apparently it's pronounced "L'Oréal".


----------



## ColchesterFC (Oct 30, 2020)

My ex wife was off for a haircut and asked what type of cut I thought would make her look more attractive. I said, "A power cut".


----------



## Lord Tyrion (Oct 30, 2020)

@ColchesterFC  that was like an old episode of The Comedian's 😆. Keep em coming, until you get fraggered of course 😁.

Sad they can't be repeated but not really surprising 😳


----------



## Dando (Oct 30, 2020)

Just remember no matter how pointless you think your job is, some poor sod has to fit indicators to Audi’s


----------



## Slime (Oct 30, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Oct 30, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Oct 30, 2020)




----------



## drdel (Oct 30, 2020)

Dando said:



			Just remember no matter how pointless you think your job is, some poor sod has to fit indicators to Audi’s
		
Click to expand...

But they will not get worn out


----------



## ColchesterFC (Oct 30, 2020)

I think that my pony might be developing a slight cough.


Well he's a little hoarse.


----------



## ColchesterFC (Oct 30, 2020)

A mate of mine decided to open an origami shop.


Unfortunately due to the pandemic it's folded.


----------



## ColchesterFC (Oct 30, 2020)

My Spanish bodybuilder friend told me he’s run out of protein powder. I thought “no whey Jose’”


----------



## ColchesterFC (Oct 30, 2020)

Many years ago I went to a picnic with Errol Brown from Hot Chocolate. 

It started with a quiche.


----------



## ColchesterFC (Oct 30, 2020)

Police are currently investigating a raid at Tiffany’s in London. 

The suspects were last seen running just as fast as they can.


----------



## ColchesterFC (Oct 30, 2020)

I've just been out and bought myself a new boomerang. Has anyone got any advice on how I can throw the old one away?


----------



## Leftie (Oct 30, 2020)

I’m not going to invite anyone to Christmas dinner this year.  Instead, I’m going to hold a funeral for a turkey so there’ll be around 30 of us.


----------



## Leftie (Oct 30, 2020)

Apparently, pirates are at greater risk from Covid19 than any other ethnic group. It's due to the aaaaarrrrrr rate.


----------



## Slime (Oct 31, 2020)

Walked past the fridge earlier and thought I heard an onion singing a Bee Gees song, but when I opened the fridge door it was just a chive talkin' ...


----------



## Slime (Oct 31, 2020)

How on earth do so many people get well known sayings wrong?







Answers on a coastguard.


----------



## larmen (Oct 31, 2020)

Slime said:



			How on earth do so many people get well known sayings wrong?







Answers on a coastguard.
		
Click to expand...

Cat phrases ;-)
Dave Gorman had a segment in his shows where people got them all wrong.


----------



## stefanovic (Oct 31, 2020)

How many homeopaths does it take to change a light bulb?

0.000000000001 

How many Chinese does it take?

1,000,000,000. (many hands make light work).


----------



## IainP (Oct 31, 2020)

I couldn't be bothered to edit Facebook to forum.....


----------



## Slime (Oct 31, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Oct 31, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Oct 31, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Oct 31, 2020)




----------



## Leftie (Oct 31, 2020)

Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.


----------



## Dando (Oct 31, 2020)

s


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Nov 1, 2020)




----------



## IainP (Nov 1, 2020)

Pathetic Shark said:



View attachment 33251

Click to expand...

Nearly good, shouldn't it be "advice" ?


----------



## Slime (Nov 1, 2020)




----------



## Foxholer (Nov 1, 2020)

Oh Yes!!! Made my evening!
Thanks a bunch!!


----------



## Slime (Nov 1, 2020)




----------



## HomerJSimpson (Nov 1, 2020)

Brought a smile to my face anyway


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Nov 2, 2020)

My wife always criticises my use of grammar during sex.  Last night she was complaining about incorrect use of the colon.


----------



## Rooter (Nov 2, 2020)

Pathetic Shark said:



			My wife always criticises my use of grammar during sex.  Last night she was complaining about incorrect use of the colon.
		
Click to expand...

Count yourself lucky it wasn't a semi.


----------



## ADB (Nov 2, 2020)




----------



## Kellfire (Nov 2, 2020)

Social media today...


----------



## Slime (Nov 3, 2020)




----------



## rulefan (Nov 3, 2020)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Nov 3, 2020)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (Nov 3, 2020)

I'll give that one about an hour ……   but it was damn funny!


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Nov 3, 2020)

One of my American friends was proudly stating on Facebook how he had just voted in the Presidential elections and all the local positions too that his part of Florida is doing.  So I asked him if he had voted to re-elect Goldie Wilson for Mayor as progress was his middle name.   To say it went over his head was an under-statement.  The thread is developing into legendary status now.


----------



## Slime (Nov 3, 2020)

MODS : Please feel free to delete if deemed inappropriate.


----------



## clubchamp98 (Nov 3, 2020)

rulefan said:



View attachment 33309

Click to expand...

Jeez , if only .


----------



## bobmac (Nov 4, 2020)

Classy Fox news....


----------



## Slime (Nov 4, 2020)




----------



## ADB (Nov 4, 2020)




----------



## Leftie (Nov 4, 2020)

MPs vote to shut the country down the night before Guy Fawkes tries to blow them up.

Coincidence?


----------



## Mudball (Nov 4, 2020)

The American election system... its a joke. .  (does not matter who wins... it is a lovely circus to watch)


----------



## Slime (Nov 4, 2020)

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to a theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling, and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite sweets, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's going to get it wrong


----------



## williamalex1 (Nov 5, 2020)

HomerJSimpson said:



			Brought a smile to my face anyway 





Click to expand...

I remember a really funny 1970s outtake from Dixon of Dock Green, when the guy couldn't quite get his only line right . Sounded like  got nicked i'm in the nick at dick dock green.


----------



## Slime (Nov 5, 2020)




----------



## Doon frae Troon (Nov 5, 2020)

erraperroertherr
ananitherperoertherr

Stanly Baxter 'Glesga as a second language' cracks me up every time.


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Nov 5, 2020)

I'm giving up drinking till Christmas.

Sorry made a punctuation error there.

I'm giving up.  Drinking till Christmas.


----------



## Slime (Nov 5, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Nov 5, 2020)




----------



## Leftie (Nov 5, 2020)

Slime said:



View attachment 33356

Click to expand...

Is that why the waiters were throwing plates around the last time I went to a Greek restaurant?


----------



## Dellboy (Nov 6, 2020)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (Nov 6, 2020)

Update on the American Presidental election results

Biden  - 264
Trump  - 214
Blink - 182
Luft Balloons - 99
Sham - 69
Maroon - 5


----------



## Deleted Member 1156 (Nov 6, 2020)

Pathetic Shark said:



			Update on the American Presidental election results

Biden  - 264
Trump  - 214
Blink - 182
Luft Balloons - 99
Sham - 69
Maroon - 5
		
Click to expand...

Fun Boy - 3
U - 2

Can't think of a '1'


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Nov 6, 2020)

drive4show said:



			Fun Boy - 3
U - 2
Can't think of a '1'  

Click to expand...

They all just lost to Jenny 867-5309.


----------



## rosecott (Nov 6, 2020)




----------



## Mudball (Nov 6, 2020)

Pathetic Shark said:



			They all just lost to Jenny 867-5309.
		
Click to expand...

Biden - 264
Trump - 214
James Bond - 007


----------



## Slime (Nov 6, 2020)




----------



## rosecott (Nov 6, 2020)

I wasn’t allowed to say anything until today, but it's now okay for me to share that I have volunteered for the Covid-19 vaccine trials that Imperial College are running in partnership with Oxford University. It's important that we all do our part to beat this virus. The vaccine is the one that has been developed in Russia. I received my first dose this morning 06:20 am, and I wanted to let you all know that it’s completely safe, with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι я чувю себя немного стрно и я думю, что вытл осные уши. чувству себя немго страо


----------



## IainP (Nov 6, 2020)




----------



## Hobbit (Nov 6, 2020)

Watching Mrs Hobbit chasing a gecko around the lounge for most of the day. She gave up.... I am Gecko Dundee. 5 mins of herding it towards the door - sorted.

She hates me.


----------



## Slime (Nov 6, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Nov 6, 2020)




----------



## rosecott (Nov 7, 2020)




----------



## Mudball (Nov 7, 2020)

I would not recommend it during normal times... but Ryanair Twitter has been fire these days


----------



## Slime (Nov 7, 2020)




----------



## yandabrown (Nov 7, 2020)




----------



## bobmac (Nov 7, 2020)




----------



## williamalex1 (Nov 7, 2020)

bobmac said:



View attachment 33437

Click to expand...

My father use to say that, he was a lovely man but a terrible kitchen fitter


----------



## Doon frae Troon (Nov 7, 2020)

Biden takes Transalvania ...according to my grandaughter,


----------



## Slime (Nov 7, 2020)




----------



## CliveW (Nov 7, 2020)




----------



## Fade and Die (Nov 8, 2020)




----------



## IainP (Nov 8, 2020)

Not checked if this is real, but hope so. Eddie being Eddie...


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Nov 8, 2020)

Rough day for Trump on the course Saturday: 45 on the front nine, 46 on the back.


----------



## Mudball (Nov 8, 2020)

Pathetic Shark said:



			Rough day for Trump on the course Saturday: 45 on the front nine, 46 on the back.
		
Click to expand...

I thought he hit OB... and then got DQed when he signed the wrong score on the card.   He is appealing to the committee but there is no evidence


----------



## Slime (Nov 8, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Nov 8, 2020)




----------



## Leftie (Nov 8, 2020)

There's new Elbow tribute band called Arse. They're so good people can't tell them apart.


----------



## Mudball (Nov 8, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Nov 8, 2020)

There's also a new rock 'n' roll tribute band from Syria .......................... Jihadi Waddy.


----------



## Doon frae Troon (Nov 9, 2020)

Headline in South Ayrshire local press.

'South Ayrshire golf course owner loses the American election.'


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Nov 9, 2020)

ABC News in America showing fireworks in London at the weekend and assuming they were in support of Biden winning the election.  Guy Fawkes anyone?


----------



## Slime (Nov 9, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Nov 9, 2020)

You know that weird week between Christmas and new year, that's what every day since march has felt like.


----------



## SatchFan (Nov 9, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Nov 10, 2020)




----------



## bobmac (Nov 10, 2020)




----------



## IainP (Nov 10, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Nov 11, 2020)




----------



## bobmac (Nov 11, 2020)




----------



## yandabrown (Nov 11, 2020)

*A priest, a doctor and an engineer went golfing*
They were stuck behind a really slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”
The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”
The priest said, “Here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” He said, “Hello George, What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”
The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!.”

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything she can do for them.”
The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”


----------



## spongebob59 (Nov 11, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Nov 12, 2020)

Fantastic advert.


----------



## Leftie (Nov 12, 2020)

I said to my doctor: “The older I get, the more I spread gossip.”  He replied: “That’s rumourtism.”


----------



## Slime (Nov 12, 2020)




----------



## Leftie (Nov 12, 2020)

I recently lost my job as an expert in ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics.

Not entirely unexpected though - the writing had been on the wall for a long time.


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Nov 12, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Nov 12, 2020)




----------



## Fish (Nov 12, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Nov 12, 2020)




----------



## Orikoru (Nov 13, 2020)

Fish said:



View attachment 33523

Click to expand...

You've reminded me of this excellent comedy video I saw years ago:


----------



## Slime (Nov 13, 2020)




----------



## Fish (Nov 13, 2020)




----------



## SatchFan (Nov 13, 2020)

Message from Santa -

"Thanks for the milk and cookies, and the Elf was delicious".


----------



## CliveW (Nov 14, 2020)




----------



## SwingsitlikeHogan (Nov 14, 2020)

Fish said:



View attachment 33523

Click to expand...

You majesty - you will probably not remember but before I entered the ministry you gave me that little tap on the shoulders with the sword - therefore ‘Check’.


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Nov 14, 2020)

SwingsitlikeHogan said:



			You majesty - you will probably not remember but before I entered the ministry you gave me that little tap on the shoulders with the sword - therefore ‘Check’.
		
Click to expand...

No no, he’s not in the correct position to do that, 
Good try 👍


----------



## Mudball (Nov 14, 2020)

SwingsitlikeHogan said:



			You majesty - you will probably not remember but before I entered the ministry you gave me that little tap on the shoulders with the sword - therefore ‘Check’.
		
Click to expand...

Wrong position for him .... but I would still check her bag on her way out..


----------



## SwingsitlikeHogan (Nov 14, 2020)

Is he not...? Oh gosh - my chess is very rusty...they are both on black and knight moves 2+1? Mind you thinking bout it its probably 45 yrs since I last played...though surprised that I can’t recall ever playing chess with my lad.  Mind you  Age of Empires was his passion in his early teens...no time for chess.


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Nov 14, 2020)

SwingsitlikeHogan said:



			Is he not...? Oh gosh - my chess is very rusty...they are both on black and knight moves 2+1? Mind you thinking bout it its probably 45 yrs since I last played...though surprised that I can’t recall ever playing chess with my lad.  Mind you  Age of Empires was his passion in his early teens...no time for chess.
		
Click to expand...

He would be on the white square on the Queens left, 2 forward ,1 side
Not 3

Not that I’m taking over from @Foxholer as the forum pedant 😂👍


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Nov 14, 2020)

I reckon you've been a called a few things over the years but pedant is not one of them


----------



## Foxholer (Nov 14, 2020)

PhilTheFragger said:



			He would be on *the white square on the Queens left*, _2 forward ,1 side_
Not 3

*Not that I’m taking over from @Foxholer as the forum pedant *😂👍
		
Click to expand...

Clearly not in the same class!  Such *ambiguity* and _incompleteness_ is not tolerable!
Knights are on B1 and G1 for White; B8 and G8 for Black.Where A1 is White Rook on Left (Black square).
They also move 2 space Forward or Backward and 1 space Left or Right OR 1 space Forward/Backward and 2 spaces Left or Right.
Before the Horizontal/Number became universal, the key to setting a board up was...Right Rook pos is White square (both White and Black) then White Queen on White square, Black Queen on Black square. Most common 1st move (White) was Kings (Pawn) Gambit.. 'PK4' in old terms now 'e4'.


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Nov 14, 2020)

Foxholer said:



			Clearly not in the same class!  Such *ambiguity* and _incompleteness_ is not tolerable!
Knights are on B1 and G1 for White; B8 abd G8 for Black.Where A1 is White Rook on Left (Black square).
They also move 2 space Forward or Backward and 1 space Left or Right OR 1 space Forward/Backward and 2 spaces Left or Right.
Before the Horizontal/Number became universal, the key to setting a board up was...Right Rook pos is White square (both White and Black) then White Queen on White square, Black Queen on Black square. Most common 1st move (White) was Kings (Pawn) Gambit.. 'PK4' in old terms now 'e4'.
		
Click to expand...

You tell em 👍😂


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Nov 14, 2020)

To further clarify my previous statement and taking board orientation out of the equation 

If the bishop is really a knight in Bishop’s clothing

In his current position he does not check the Queen

However , assuming it is his go , if he moves 2 squares towards the Queen and 1 square left, he will then indeed be in a Check position and safe from being taken by the Queen

Apologies to @Foxholer for the layman’s terms used in this explanation 👍😂


----------



## Imurg (Nov 14, 2020)

What the hell have I just read.....


----------



## Deleted Member 1156 (Nov 14, 2020)

Foxholer said:



			Clearly not in the same class!  Such *ambiguity* and _incompleteness_ is not tolerable!
Knights are on B1 and G1 for White; B8 abd G8 for Black.Where A1 is White Rook on Left (Black square).
They also move 2 space Forward or Backward and 1 space Left or Right OR 1 space Forward/Backward and 2 spaces Left or Right.
Before the Horizontal/Number became universal, the key to setting a board up was...Right Rook pos is White square (both White and Black) then White Queen on White square, Black Queen on Black square. Most common 1st move (White) was Kings (Pawn) Gambit.. 'PK4' in old terms now 'e4'.
		
Click to expand...

If you guys are playing 'pedant wars' there are too many capital letters in the above. 

Just saying.......


----------



## Foxholer (Nov 14, 2020)

PhilTheFragger said:



			To further clarify my previous statement and taking board orientation out of the equation

If the bishop is really a knight in Bishop’s clothing

In his current position he does not check the Queen

However , assuming it is his go , if he moves 2 squares towards the Queen and 1 square left, he will then indeed be in a Check position and safe from being taken by the Queen

Apologies to @Foxholer for the layman’s terms used in this explanation 👍😂
		
Click to expand...

No apology needed!

But to add to the list of your faults in the post I quoted...an ommission! The words 'need to'!
But I do like your post above! 
Oh and a Queen does not get 'Checked'. That only happens to Kings! 'Threaten' perhaps, though unwise as likely to be sent to the Tower and defrocked!


----------



## Foxholer (Nov 14, 2020)

drive4show said:



			If you guys are playing 'pedant wars' there are too many capital letters in the above.

Just saying.......
		
Click to expand...

You missed my spelling error!


----------



## Imurg (Nov 14, 2020)




----------



## Mudball (Nov 14, 2020)

PhilTheFragger said:



			To further clarify my previous statement and taking board orientation out of the equation

If the bishop is really a knight in *Bishop’s clothing*

In his current position he does not check the Queen

However , assuming it is his go , if he moves 2 squares towards the Queen and 1 square left, he will then indeed be in a Check position and safe from being taken by the Queen

Apologies to @Foxholer for the layman’s terms used in this explanation 👍😂
		
Click to expand...

As the member of the diversity brigade... i find it offensive that there is very poor representation of non-Christians priests on a chess board.. So i recommend that the knight be and rook be replaced by other religious representatives.  Or indeed the Bishop be replaced by a non-religious Pastafarian or Scientologist.  

And while we are it, why is the Bishop assumed to be a 'male'.  A non-binary option should be considered.  

Credit where Credit is due.. i can see the board is fairly diverse as it has 50:50 split of white and black pieces


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Nov 14, 2020)

What if half way through the game the King decides he wants to change gender?


----------



## Fish (Nov 14, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Nov 14, 2020)

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”

The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”

The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.

So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”

The man is relieved to no end.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.​





But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.  






​


----------



## Slime (Nov 14, 2020)

​​​


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Nov 15, 2020)




----------



## rosecott (Nov 15, 2020)




----------



## SocketRocket (Nov 15, 2020)

What a waste of time that was🙄
Got a job hunting crocodiles for a company that sells croc handbags and shoes.

Everyone I caught didn't wear shoes or carry a handbag 🤔


----------



## Backache (Nov 15, 2020)

SocketRocket said:



			What a waste of time that was🙄
Got a job hunting crocodiles for a company that sells croc handbags and shoes.

Everyone I caught didn't wear shoes or carry a handbag 🤔
		
Click to expand...

Surely you could have sold them some then if they didn't have them?


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Nov 15, 2020)

SocketRocket said:



			What a waste of time that was🙄
Got a job hunting crocodiles for a company that sells croc handbags and shoes.

Everyone I caught didn't wear shoes or carry a handbag 🤔
		
Click to expand...




Backache said:



			Surely you could have sold them some then if they didn't have them?

Click to expand...

Call yourself a salesman 😂😂


----------



## Leftie (Nov 15, 2020)

"The cat scratched my upper thigh when he saw that woman from Strictly."  

"Claudia Winkleman?"  

"No but it was close, man."


----------



## SocketRocket (Nov 16, 2020)

Backache said:



			Surely you could have sold them some then if they didn't have them?

Click to expand...

Oh yes, didn't think of that!  🙄


----------



## Dando (Nov 16, 2020)

I appreciate this might not be very pc but it made me chuckle.
Sorry if it offends anyone


----------



## Leftie (Nov 16, 2020)

Burned my Hawaiian pizza. Should have put it on aloha setting


----------



## Dando (Nov 16, 2020)




----------



## Fish (Nov 16, 2020)




----------



## Smiffy (Nov 16, 2020)




----------



## SteveW86 (Nov 16, 2020)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Nov 16, 2020)




----------



## williamalex1 (Nov 16, 2020)

Simply Red


----------



## Slime (Nov 17, 2020)




----------



## Leftie (Nov 17, 2020)

I saw a man slumped over a lawnmower crying his eyes out. He said he'll be fine, just going through a rough patch.


----------



## Mudball (Nov 17, 2020)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Nov 17, 2020)

Who said hard work doesn’t pay off! 
	
	
		
		
	


	




I have worked 24/7 for the last 10 years! if I'm not working, I'm quoting, if I'm not quoting, I'm invoicing or doing other work for income or to help my clients.
Countless amounts of sleepless nights, blood, sweat and tears.
100s of happy clients.
So much hard work has gone into my business.
Well today I treated myself!
I ordered that yellow skip and finally had a clear out.


----------



## Slime (Nov 17, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Nov 17, 2020)




----------



## CliveW (Nov 18, 2020)

After it's revealed Dolly Parton helped fund the new Moderna vaccine, scientists confirm it has a 9 to 5 % success rate.


----------



## bobmac (Nov 18, 2020)

It's not a good idea to swallow bubble gum


----------



## Dando (Nov 18, 2020)




----------



## banjofred (Nov 18, 2020)

Hope this is new....

I went to get an eye test about 10 years ago. 

I had to look into this large machine and tell the optician what I could see. 

"I can see closed pubs, face masks and a Chinese fella eating a bat" I told him. 

"Well you don't need glasses" he said, "You've got 2020 vision".


----------



## Slime (Nov 18, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Nov 18, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Nov 18, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Nov 18, 2020)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Nov 18, 2020)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Nov 18, 2020)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Nov 18, 2020)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Nov 18, 2020)




----------



## Fade and Die (Nov 18, 2020)

What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?


One snatches your watch…


----------



## Leftie (Nov 18, 2020)

Breaking: An ISIS suicide bomber has blown up himself and 27 members of his immediate family while working from home due to coronavirus.


----------



## Leftie (Nov 18, 2020)

Attended the funeral of a friend who had drowned.  

The family weren't happy with my floral tribute which was in the shape of a lifebelt.

"Can't see the problem" I said.  "We all know that that is what he would have wanted"


----------



## Leftie (Nov 18, 2020)




----------



## yandabrown (Nov 19, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Nov 19, 2020)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1328600060888821761


----------



## Doon frae Troon (Nov 20, 2020)

Bad hair dye.

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1329536498459406341


----------



## Slime (Nov 20, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Nov 20, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Nov 20, 2020)

A bit old, but still make me chuckle;

Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake.”
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth.”

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy: "Yes . . . You miss the ball much closer now.”

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?”
Caddy: "Eventually.”

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world.”
Caddy: "I don't think so . . .That would be too much of a coincidence.”

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction.”
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass".

Golfer: "How do you like my game?”
Caddy: "It's very good - personally, I prefer golf".

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on.”
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago.”

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old.”
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.”

Finally, an old favourite about the golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole.
He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy;

Golfer: "Can you see any obvious problems . .?”
Caddy: "There's a piece of s**t on the end of your club.”
Golfer: He picks his club up and cleans the club face.
Caddy: " . . other end."


----------



## Dando (Nov 20, 2020)

The crap on the end was a favorite of mine when playing cricket


----------



## Dando (Nov 20, 2020)




----------



## Smiffy (Nov 21, 2020)




----------



## Doon frae Troon (Nov 21, 2020)

Dando said:



			The crap on the end was a favorite of mine when playing cricket
		
Click to expand...

My favourite  happened in front of my eyes.

American tourist on tee....'What's the line here Percy'
Percy............'on yon white car'
[The one travelling at 60mph down the road]

As caddies went Percy was a legend.


----------



## Dando (Nov 21, 2020)

I’m getting mrs d a new belt and bag for Xmas.
She’ll be so happy when the Hoover works again


----------



## Old Skier (Nov 21, 2020)




----------



## bobmac (Nov 21, 2020)




----------



## yandabrown (Nov 21, 2020)

Tony Johnstone commentating on the European Tour in Joberg just now: Bison de Chambeau, made me smile 😁


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Nov 21, 2020)




----------



## Mudball (Nov 22, 2020)




----------



## rosecott (Nov 22, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Nov 22, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Nov 22, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Nov 22, 2020)

My wife left a note on the fridge, " This isn't working, goodbye ".



I opened it ............................... it's working fine.


----------



## Slime (Nov 22, 2020)

A police officer knocked on my door yesterday. 
"Does FG mean anything to you?"           I said "No".  
"TH?"        "No". 
"DT?"        "No".

"Sorry officer but am I in trouble or anything?"  
"No" he said, "I'm just making initial enquiries".


----------



## Dando (Nov 22, 2020)

Just had a call to say my best friend overdosed on antacids...

I can’t believe Gav is gone


----------



## Leftie (Nov 22, 2020)




----------



## Leftie (Nov 22, 2020)

The Grim Reaper came for me last night but I managed to fight him off with a vacuum cleaner.
I was Dyson with Death!


----------



## Leftie (Nov 22, 2020)

I took my first missus to a wife swapping party; it was great. I got a lawn mower.


----------



## Leftie (Nov 22, 2020)

I was at a Japanese restaurant a while ago and all the staff looked like that actor who played Poirot.
I think it was a Suchet bar.


----------



## Dando (Nov 22, 2020)

Leftie said:



			I took my first missus to a wife swapping party; it was great. I got a lawn mower.
		
Click to expand...

I miss that lawn mower and still ended up taking mrs d home


----------



## Leftie (Nov 22, 2020)

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked: "You asked your neighbour?"
The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."


----------



## Slime (Nov 22, 2020)

Leftie said:








Click to expand...

Why does that remind me of Peter Griffin?


----------



## Slime (Nov 23, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Nov 23, 2020)

I had a phone call last night, he sneezed and then hung up.  




I hate cold callers.


----------



## Slime (Nov 23, 2020)




----------



## toyboy54 (Nov 23, 2020)

Leftie/Dando.....I GOT MY KEYS BACK!!!!


----------



## IainP (Nov 23, 2020)

The annual legendary 30+ day forecast is here....


----------



## Smiffy (Nov 24, 2020)




----------



## SatchFan (Nov 24, 2020)

If only.


----------



## ColchesterFC (Nov 24, 2020)




----------



## Norrin Radd (Nov 24, 2020)

My mate got thrown out of the chemists, the woman went mental when he asked do you take it up the backside or do you swallow, apparently he is still none the wiser with what you do with suppositories


----------



## Leftie (Nov 24, 2020)




----------



## bobmac (Nov 24, 2020)

Leftie said:



View attachment 33696

Click to expand...

That's just not funny and for the record, it is not like a AAA battery, it's more like a AA


----------



## Slime (Nov 24, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Nov 24, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Nov 24, 2020)

bobmac said:



			That's just not funny and for the record, it is not like a AAA battery, it's more like a AA  

Click to expand...

And it’s very cold out!


----------



## sunshine (Nov 24, 2020)

Slime said:









Click to expand...

Never seen this guy before. He's quite funny


----------



## Leftie (Nov 24, 2020)

Old Macdonald was simply spelling 'redirection' without any consonants.


----------



## Leftie (Nov 24, 2020)

I love eBay. Just sold my homing pigeon for the 10th time this month…


----------



## Dando (Nov 24, 2020)

Mrs d has wrapped my pressie. I hope it’s the new golf shoes I wanted


----------



## Slime (Nov 24, 2020)

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.
'The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.
''Do you mean a rose?
''Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,​
'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night'?                     
​


----------



## Slime (Nov 24, 2020)




----------



## bobmac (Nov 25, 2020)

Leftie said:



			Old Macdonald was simply spelling 'redirection' without any consonants.
		
Click to expand...

Old Macdonald was dyslexic eibkw


----------



## Maninblack4612 (Nov 25, 2020)

Slime said:



View attachment 33710

Click to expand...

Is he Stilh Saw?


----------



## Slime (Nov 25, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Nov 25, 2020)

Did you know that Yoda had a surname?


It's Leyheehoo.


----------



## Slime (Nov 25, 2020)




----------



## Orikoru (Nov 25, 2020)

sunshine said:



			Never seen this guy before. He's quite funny
		
Click to expand...

Paul Chowdhry is great. He's from Harrow, I saw him probably 8 years ago at West Ruislip golf club! Since him a couple more times since then. He was on one of the early series of Taskmaster as well, which we watched in the first lockdown.


----------



## sunshine (Nov 25, 2020)

Orikoru said:



			Paul Chowdhry is great. He's from Harrow, I saw him probably 8 years ago at West Ruislip golf club! Since him a couple more times since then. He was on one of the early series of Taskmaster as well, which we watched in the first lockdown. 

Click to expand...

I could tell he was from the Harrow area from the accent!


----------



## rulefan (Nov 25, 2020)




----------



## Leftie (Nov 25, 2020)

Yup.  The hand of god.


----------



## Leftie (Nov 25, 2020)

I boiled a funny bone. And reduced it into a laughing stock.


----------



## Dando (Nov 26, 2020)




----------



## patricks148 (Nov 26, 2020)

the guy driving around sneck in a fiat500 painted up like a Lamborghini, badges and all


----------



## GreiginFife (Nov 26, 2020)

patricks148 said:



			the guy driving around sneck in a fiat500 painted up like a Lamborghini, badges and all

Click to expand...

There used to be a guy in Dunfermline had a red Fiat Punto that he had Ferrari badges on the front wings and stuck on over the alloy centre caps. also had a yellow "leather" steering wheel cover to complete the look.


----------



## GreiginFife (Nov 26, 2020)




----------



## CliveW (Nov 27, 2020)




----------



## Maninblack4612 (Nov 27, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Nov 27, 2020)

My missus said she's leaving me because I'm too cocky. 




I said, "Close the door on your way back in".


----------



## Slime (Nov 27, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Nov 27, 2020)




----------



## JollyRedDevil (Nov 27, 2020)




----------



## AmandaJR (Nov 27, 2020)

Dando said:



View attachment 33743

Click to expand...

Some of these take me a while but not getting this one at all??


----------



## bobmac (Nov 27, 2020)

AmandaJR said:



			Some of these take me a while but not getting this one at all??
		
Click to expand...

Me neither


----------



## GreiginFife (Nov 27, 2020)

AmandaJR said:



			Some of these take me a while but not getting this one at all??
		
Click to expand...

It's a play on Beats by Dr Dre


----------



## ColchesterFC (Nov 27, 2020)

AmandaJR said:



			Some of these take me a while but not getting this one at all??
		
Click to expand...




bobmac said:



			Me neither
		
Click to expand...

I'm guessing it's a play on "beats by Dr Dre".

Edit - Beaten to it by Greig.


----------



## Slab (Nov 27, 2020)




----------



## AmandaJR (Nov 27, 2020)

Thanks. Now I know I can declare it not funny


----------



## Slime (Nov 27, 2020)




----------



## yandabrown (Nov 27, 2020)

The mention of Leopards Creek on the Professional Golf thread reminded me of this one:

A businessman was attending a Conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of Golf. He asked whether there was any course in the vicinity and was directed to one in the jungle.

After a short journey, he arrived at the Course and advised the Pro that he wanted to play 18 holes.

"Sure," said the Pro, "What's your Handicap?"

"Well, it's 16," said the Businessman, "But I don't see the relevance since I shall be playing alone."

"No, it's very important for us to know," said the Pro.

The Pro then called a Caddy.

"Go out with this Gentleman," said the Pro, "his handicap is 16."

The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. However, he paid it no more attention.  The Caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large Rifle which he slung over his shoulder. Again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions.

They arrived on the 1st Hole, a Par 4.

"Please avoid those trees on the left," said the Caddy.

Needless to say, the businessman duck hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand. 

"That's the most poisonous snake in all Africa," said the caddy, "you're lucky I was here with you."

After taking a bogey on the hole, they moved to the 2nd, a Par 5.  "Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy.

Of course, the businessman's ball went slicing away into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once more and a huge lion fell dead at his feet.  "I've saved your life again," said the caddy.

The 3rd hole was a Par 3 with a lake in front of the Green.  The businessman's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water.  He had a shot. However, he had to place one foot into the lake to be able to play.  As he was about to chip the ball on to the green, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off his right leg.  As he fell to the ground, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side looking on unconcernedly.
"Why didn't you shoot it?" writhed the man in pain.

"I'm sorry, Sir," said the caddy, "this is Stroke Hole 17, you don't get a shot here."


----------



## Old Skier (Nov 27, 2020)

More from the new owners of the mighty Wrexham


----------



## need_my_wedge (Nov 28, 2020)




----------



## need_my_wedge (Nov 28, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Nov 28, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Nov 28, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Nov 29, 2020)

Getting used to the new car!!

https://fb.watch/23lYvsdsqt/


----------



## Orikoru (Nov 29, 2020)

Dando said:



View attachment 33743

Click to expand...

Sure I've actually seen these for sale down Bovingdon market.


----------



## Imurg (Nov 29, 2020)




----------



## yandabrown (Nov 29, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Nov 29, 2020)




----------



## Leftie (Nov 29, 2020)

"Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss.

"Just pop it in the corner," he said.

It took me three hours.


----------



## Leftie (Nov 29, 2020)

Two men were taken to hospital after injecting heroin that had been cut with curry powder.

One had a dodgy tikka and the other is still in a korma.


----------



## backwoodsman (Nov 30, 2020)

Leftie said:



			"Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss.

"Just pop it in the corner," he said.

It took me three hours.
		
Click to expand...




Leftie said:



			Two men were taken to hospital after injecting heroin that had been cut with curry powder.

One had a dodgy tikka and the other is still in a korma.
		
Click to expand...

Any chance you're going to run out of these any time soon? So I can have one big groan at the end rather than doing them individually ?


----------



## Leftie (Nov 30, 2020)

Sorry, but no.

You don't have to read them


----------



## Leftie (Nov 30, 2020)

Following Christopher Lee's death, The Sun has published an article about Dracula.

He didn't appear in The Mirror though.


----------



## Leftie (Nov 30, 2020)

And they can get far, far worse.


My mate needed a bone marrow transplant. We found a match in Argentina and the operation was a success. Our thanks go to Diego Marrow Donor.


----------



## yandabrown (Nov 30, 2020)

*The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron,*

*which is ironic.*


----------



## GreiginFife (Nov 30, 2020)




----------



## GreiginFife (Nov 30, 2020)




----------



## rosecott (Nov 30, 2020)




----------



## Smiffy (Dec 1, 2020)




----------



## rulefan (Dec 1, 2020)

yandabrown said:



*The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron,*

*which is ironic.*

Click to expand...

And it's mad that the adjective for the moon isn't lunatic


----------



## SocketRocket (Dec 1, 2020)

Someone has drilled a peep hole into the Ladies shower room.

The Police are looking into it.


----------



## SocketRocket (Dec 1, 2020)

Vandals have smashed all the toilets in the Police Station.

A spokesman said they currently have nothing to go on.


----------



## Leftie (Dec 1, 2020)

In bed Chinese guy tentatively suggests to his wife they try a 69. She is outraged!

"If you think I'm cooking at this time of night…"


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Dec 1, 2020)

A man was arrested last night for going mental on the church bells for two hours starting at midnight.

He is going to be awarded the No Peace Bell Prize.


----------



## Dando (Dec 1, 2020)




----------



## Leftie (Dec 1, 2020)

Just got home and found the door and windows open and everything gone.  What kind of sick person does that to someone's advent calendar?


----------



## Leftie (Dec 1, 2020)

I went to a positive thinking class today.
It was half empty.


----------



## ExRabbit (Dec 2, 2020)

backwoodsman said:



			Any chance you're going to run out of these any time soon? So I can have one big groan at the end rather than doing them individually ? 

Click to expand...

Now look what you've gone and done!!!


----------



## bobmac (Dec 2, 2020)

A guy goes to the psychiatrist and says I think I'm a dog.
Psychiatrist ...Ok, lie on the couch
Guy ... I'm not allowed on the furniture


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Dec 2, 2020)

REQUEST TO MODERATORS
Anyone who posts a "gag" on here that would only be fit for a Christmas cracker needs to get an infraction.


----------



## rulefan (Dec 2, 2020)

Pathetic Shark said:



			REQUEST TO MODERATORS
Anyone who posts a "gag" on here that would only be fit for a Christmas cracker needs to get an infraction.
		
Click to expand...

Too late. As advent calendars are now being opened Christmas cracker jokes are what we need


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Dec 2, 2020)

rulefan said:



			Too late. As advent calendars are now being opened Christmas cracker jokes are what we need
		
Click to expand...

Now look here, my dog's got no nose .....


----------



## bobmac (Dec 2, 2020)

Pathetic Shark said:



			Now look here, my dog's got no nose .....
		
Click to expand...

How does she smell?


----------



## Mudball (Dec 2, 2020)

Choosing a gift for the family was very difficult... but choosing one for @bobmac was v-easy


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Dec 2, 2020)

bobmac said:



			How does she smell?
		
Click to expand...


No idea. She's got covid.


----------



## SwingsitlikeHogan (Dec 2, 2020)

I know that this little clip from today is in the political sphere - but it is rather funny...whichever side of the Rep/Dem fence you might sit.   What Ducey was doing yesterday is signing-off the election certification documents for Arizona...but hey - if this is too sensitive then delete it.


----------



## Leftie (Dec 2, 2020)

Pathetic Shark said:



			REQUEST TO MODERATORS
Anyone who posts a "gag" on here that would only be fit for a Christmas cracker needs to get an infraction.
		
Click to expand...

Just for you ....

A team of archaeologists excavating in Israel came upon a cave.

Across the cave wall were the following symbols, in this order of appearance from left to right: a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David.

It was considered a unique find, and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old. The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The president of the society summarized findings and pointed at the first symbol. "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey; so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

"The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that if a famine had hit the earth and food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David, which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically. But a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. It says, 'Holy Mackerel! Dig the ass on that woman!'"


----------



## Leftie (Dec 2, 2020)

My doctor has given me some anti-gloating cream. Now all I want to do is rub it in.


----------



## Slime (Dec 2, 2020)




----------



## rosecott (Dec 3, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Dec 3, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Dec 3, 2020)




----------



## SteveW86 (Dec 4, 2020)




----------



## upsidedown (Dec 4, 2020)

Brilliant


----------



## Dando (Dec 4, 2020)

SteveW86 said:









Click to expand...

Brilliant!


----------



## Slime (Dec 4, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Dec 4, 2020)




----------



## Smiffy (Dec 5, 2020)

They just don't write comedy like this anymore. Absolute gold......................


----------



## jim8flog (Dec 5, 2020)

They had Michael J Fox (Back to the Future) on the box last night and somebody was reminded of the joke doing the rounds

The prof turns to him and says "remember never to set the time dial to 2020"


----------



## ColchesterFC (Dec 5, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Dec 5, 2020)




----------



## IainP (Dec 5, 2020)

Slime said:



View attachment 33853

Click to expand...

For me, would have been a little better with something like:
Most of you will be receiving dictionaries.
😉


----------



## Slime (Dec 5, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Dec 5, 2020)

I'd be arrested for that!


----------



## clubchamp98 (Dec 5, 2020)

Slime said:



			I'd be arrested for that!

View attachment 33856

Click to expand...

What wearing a Burnley kit and playing against your own club.


----------



## Slime (Dec 5, 2020)

clubchamp98 said:



			What wearing a Burnley kit and playing against your own club.
		
Click to expand...

It's actually an Aston Villa shirt, but I get your point.


----------



## clubchamp98 (Dec 5, 2020)

Slime said:



			It's actually an Aston Villa shirt, but I get your point. 

Click to expand...

Yes took a guess as I didn’t recognise the player.
But the striker looks a handful.


----------



## Mudball (Dec 6, 2020)

Slime said:



			I'd be arrested for that!

View attachment 33856

Click to expand...

Yes, just because it’s a zebra crossing, does not mean you have automatic right of way ..


----------



## Mudball (Dec 6, 2020)




----------



## richart (Dec 7, 2020)

Slime said:



			I'd be arrested for that!

View attachment 33856

Click to expand...

 Quite right. Any man with a ponytail should be locked up.


----------



## SatchFan (Dec 7, 2020)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Dec 7, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Dec 8, 2020)




----------



## AmandaJR (Dec 8, 2020)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (Dec 8, 2020)

Apologies to friends across the Irish Sea but this is mint


----------



## clubchamp98 (Dec 8, 2020)

Pathetic Shark said:








Apologies to friends across the Irish Sea but this is mint
		
Click to expand...

Brilliant in his day but you can see why some of his stuff isn’t shown much.


----------



## sunshine (Dec 8, 2020)

Pathetic Shark said:








Apologies to friends across the Irish Sea but this is mint
		
Click to expand...

This hasn't aged well


----------



## Slime (Dec 8, 2020)




----------



## rulefan (Dec 8, 2020)

It would seem you have never used a ring/adjustable spanner.


----------



## Slime (Dec 9, 2020)

rulefan said:



			It would seem you have never used a ring/adjustable spanner.
		
Click to expand...

???


----------



## NearHull (Dec 9, 2020)

Slime said:



View attachment 33886

Click to expand...

Yes, at first glance they look like Whitworths.


----------



## rulefan (Dec 9, 2020)

Slime said:



			???
		
Click to expand...

What do you think the hole in the top end is?


----------



## drdel (Dec 9, 2020)

rulefan said:



			What do you think the hole in the top end is?
		
Click to expand...

It's there for the monkey.


----------



## DRW (Dec 9, 2020)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (Dec 9, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Dec 9, 2020)

rulefan said:



			What do you think the hole in the top end is?
		
Click to expand...

Why do I think you've missed the point?


----------



## Slime (Dec 9, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Dec 9, 2020)




----------



## Mudball (Dec 9, 2020)

Some important science here >>
*Can Farts Transmit COVID-19 Coronavirus?*
https://www.forbes.com/sites/brucel...vid-19-coronavirus-here-is-what-is-being-said


----------



## Fade and Die (Dec 10, 2020)




----------



## clubchamp98 (Dec 10, 2020)

Fade and Die said:



View attachment 33906

Click to expand...

Well I would disagree.
I am sure she had darker hair.


----------



## Slime (Dec 10, 2020)




----------



## Smiffy (Dec 11, 2020)




----------



## Mudball (Dec 11, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Dec 11, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Dec 11, 2020)

If anyone is at home alone on Xmas day please let me know as I need to borrow some chairs


----------



## need_my_wedge (Dec 11, 2020)

__ https://www.facebook.com/100002013335530/posts/3631832273560515


----------



## srixon 1 (Dec 11, 2020)

need_my_wedge said:






__ https://www.facebook.com/100002013335530/posts/3631832273560515



Click to expand...

Why is that funny?


----------



## rulefan (Dec 11, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Dec 11, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Dec 11, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Dec 11, 2020)




----------



## backwoodsman (Dec 11, 2020)

From Gary Larson


----------



## Slime (Dec 12, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Dec 12, 2020)

Went to B&Q looking for inspiration for what to do in my garden this spring. The assistant was helpful, but then he asked me “do you want decking?”
I’m just glad I got the first punch in.


----------



## Dando (Dec 12, 2020)

That awkward moment after you’ve just forced out a fart and it feels a bit lumpy


----------



## Slime (Dec 12, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Dec 12, 2020)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Dec 13, 2020)

If anyone has any ideas on how to fix my awful condensation problem feel free to pop round any time. The kettle is always on. 😀


----------



## Rlburnside (Dec 13, 2020)

Love the humour of Off the Ball with Tom Cowan and Stuart Cosgrove, as a example one joke from today went something like this. 

Study's show people overweight are not good at maths but fat kids are good at take aways. 

Not so funny in print but their dry laconic non pc programs are good.


----------



## Slime (Dec 13, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Dec 13, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Dec 13, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Dec 14, 2020)

I don't normally do face book, but here goes... 


























.


----------



## SatchFan (Dec 14, 2020)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (Dec 14, 2020)

I took my six-year old nephew to see Father Christmas yesterday and he absolutely stank of cigarettes and booze.

God knows what Santa thought.


----------



## Dando (Dec 14, 2020)

SatchFan said:



View attachment 33952

Click to expand...

its quite clearly a new set of saucepans


----------



## Dando (Dec 14, 2020)

Lockdown has been tough on Pies Morgan


----------



## Slime (Dec 14, 2020)




----------



## Mudball (Dec 14, 2020)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Dec 14, 2020)

Can anyone recommend a good carpenter? I paid one to make me a double bed and he's only gone and done a bunk. It's just one thing on top of another.


----------



## Leftie (Dec 14, 2020)

Are you missing me yet?


----------



## larmen (Dec 15, 2020)

Dando said:



			its quite clearly a new set of saucepans
		
Click to expand...

That would be a most awesome prank!


----------



## Slime (Dec 15, 2020)




----------



## Norrin Radd (Dec 15, 2020)

Leftie said:



			Are you missing me yet? 

Click to expand...

Nooooooooo!!!!! 😜


----------



## Dando (Dec 15, 2020)




----------



## Rooter (Dec 15, 2020)

I used my DIY Store loyalty card to scrape ice off my windscreen this morning. 

It only removed 10% though.


----------



## Slime (Dec 15, 2020)

Just unbelievable!
Earlier on today I saw a council road worker deliberately squash a snail under his foot!
I said "What the bloody hell did you do that for?"


He replied "That bloody thing has been following me around all day long!"


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Dec 15, 2020)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Dec 15, 2020)

There’s loads more


----------



## Leftie (Dec 15, 2020)

PhilTheFragger said:



View attachment 33992

There’s loads more
		
Click to expand...

Don't get me started 






Again


----------



## bobmac (Dec 16, 2020)

My grandad lost his tongue during the war but never talks about it


----------



## bobmac (Dec 16, 2020)




----------



## karenburton1305 (Dec 16, 2020)

Norrin Radd said:



			I went to the car auctions just for a look and ended up buying six cars ,......I think I've got car owner virus
		
Click to expand...

This made me laugh far more than it should have done aha


----------



## clubchamp98 (Dec 16, 2020)

bobmac said:



			My grandad lost his tongue during the war but never talks about it
		
Click to expand...

How do you know?


----------



## Slime (Dec 16, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Dec 16, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Dec 16, 2020)

I’ve got a part time job collecting rubbish but there’s no training.

I guess we’re expected to pick it up as we go along


----------



## Slime (Dec 16, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Dec 16, 2020)

Did you hear about the 2 guys that stole a calendar?



They got 6 months each!


----------



## Leftie (Dec 16, 2020)

Hey.  Come on guys.  Some of these one and two liners are far worse than mine.

I could always start posting more rubbish ........


----------



## williamalex1 (Dec 17, 2020)

I liked this


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Dec 17, 2020)




----------



## ADB (Dec 17, 2020)

This is not a joke


----------



## NearHull (Dec 17, 2020)

ADB said:



			This is not a joke

View attachment 34011

Click to expand...

I have to agree - it’s not a joke.


----------



## Maninblack4612 (Dec 18, 2020)




----------



## AmandaJR (Dec 18, 2020)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Dec 18, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Dec 19, 2020)




----------



## IainP (Dec 19, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Dec 19, 2020)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Dec 19, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Dec 19, 2020)




----------



## Dando (Dec 20, 2020)




----------



## Fade and Die (Dec 20, 2020)




----------



## backwoodsman (Dec 20, 2020)

Fade and Die said:



View attachment 34061

Click to expand...

Does nobody read whats already been posted? This was put up only 5 posts ago? Some others are very recent repeats too


----------



## Fade and Die (Dec 20, 2020)

backwoodsman said:



			Does nobody read whats already been posted? This was put up only 5 posts ago? Some others are very recent repeats too
		
Click to expand...


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Dec 20, 2020)




----------



## backwoodsman (Dec 20, 2020)

Fade and Die said:



View attachment 34062

Click to expand...

Humbug is something I'm quite good at ... I've practiced a lot.


----------



## Slime (Dec 20, 2020)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Dec 20, 2020)

Unlike @Slime to be the shy retiring type 😂


----------



## williamalex1 (Dec 20, 2020)

PhilTheFragger said:



			Unlike Slime to be the shy retiring type 😂
		
Click to expand...

Maybe doing his Peter Brady impersonation, I didn't see anything funny in his last post


----------



## CliveW (Dec 20, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Dec 20, 2020)

williamalex1 said:



			Maybe doing his Peter Brady impersonation, I didn't see anything funny in his last post  

Click to expand...

Who's Peter Brady?


----------



## yandabrown (Dec 20, 2020)




----------



## williamalex1 (Dec 20, 2020)

Slime said:



			Who's Peter Brady?
		
Click to expand...

You'll never see him coming, Slime , I'll get my coat , Google it


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Dec 20, 2020)

Nicola Sturgeon today called the pandemic a "once in a century event".     So she'll be wanting another one in a couple of years then.


----------



## williamalex1 (Dec 20, 2020)

Pathetic Shark said:



			Nicola Sturgeon today called the pandemic a "once in a century event".     So she'll be wanting another one in a couple of years then.
		
Click to expand...

Be careful what you wish for, but I'd rather listen to her speaking, than Boris's rambling BS.


----------



## Slime (Dec 20, 2020)

williamalex1 said:



			You'll never see him coming, Slime , I'll get my coat , Google it 

Click to expand...

Ah, so it's nowt to do with The Brady Bunch then, more The Invisible Man.
Sorry, I still don't get the reference though.


----------



## SatchFan (Dec 20, 2020)




----------



## williamalex1 (Dec 20, 2020)

Slime said:



			Ah, so it's nowt to do with The Brady Bunch then, more The Invisible Man.
Sorry, I still don't get the reference though. 

Click to expand...

Post 1,692


----------



## CliveW (Dec 20, 2020)




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## CliveW (Dec 20, 2020)




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## Dando (Dec 21, 2020)




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## SatchFan (Dec 21, 2020)




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## bobmac (Dec 21, 2020)




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## yandabrown (Dec 21, 2020)




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## Imurg (Dec 21, 2020)




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## Slime (Dec 21, 2020)

williamalex1 said:



			Post 1,692 

Click to expand...

Sorry William, I'm still lost.
Genuinely, what's wrong with Post #1,692, I actually think it's very amusing.


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## williamalex1 (Dec 21, 2020)

Slime said:



			Sorry William, I'm still lost.
Genuinely, what's wrong with Post #1,692, I actually think it's very amusing.
		
Click to expand...

Maybe it just me, but it's just a blank page


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## Orikoru (Dec 21, 2020)

williamalex1 said:



			Maybe it just me, but it's just a blank page 

Click to expand...

Yeah I got the same, it was just blank. No image.


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## PhilTheFragger (Dec 21, 2020)

Slime said:



			Sorry William, I'm still lost.
Genuinely, what's wrong with Post #1,692, I actually think it's very amusing.
		
Click to expand...

Yeah it’s an empty blank page, hence my comment 

Feel free to repost , but it had better be worth it 😂😂


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## Slime (Dec 21, 2020)




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## williamalex1 (Dec 21, 2020)

Slime said:



View attachment 34096

Click to expand...

That's better, happy birthday Peter


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## Old Skier (Dec 21, 2020)

Classic, never thought Eddie had it in him


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## Slime (Dec 21, 2020)




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## SteveW86 (Dec 22, 2020)




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## Imurg (Dec 22, 2020)




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## Slime (Dec 22, 2020)

williamalex1 said:



			Maybe it just me, but it's just a blank page 

Click to expand...




Orikoru said:



			Yeah I got the same, it was just blank. No image.
		
Click to expand...




PhilTheFragger said:



			Yeah it’s an empty blank page, hence my comment
Feel free to repost , but it had better be worth it 😂😂
		
Click to expand...


Oh, that's weird.
I had this issue on another site some time ago.
Click and drag the blank page onto your desktop, if using a PC/Laptop, (not sure whether that works with phones), then double click and all 'might' be revealed.
Not too sure what's causing this ............................. but the joke is quite funny.
Or, right click on the image and then click on 'Copy Image Location'.
Then click on the 'insert image' icon and insert.
Best of, guys.


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## yandabrown (Dec 22, 2020)

Slime said:



			Oh, that's weird.
I had this issue on another site some time ago.
Click and drag the blank page onto your desktop, if using a PC/Laptop, (not sure whether that works with phones), then double click and all 'might' be revealed.
Not too sure what's causing this ............................. but the joke is quite funny.
Or, right click on the image and then click on 'Copy Image Location'.
Then click on the 'insert image' icon and insert.
Best of, guys.
		
Click to expand...

You need to be logged in to Landyzone to see it. Try downloading it to your laptop then uploading it here. As Fragger said, it had better be good!


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## williamalex1 (Dec 22, 2020)

Some people are so helpful


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## bobmac (Dec 22, 2020)

williamalex1 said:



			Some people are so helpful 

Click to expand...

I'll bet you checked the arithmetic






I did  

(fixed)


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## rulefan (Dec 22, 2020)

bobmac said:



			I'll bet you checked the arthmetic






I did  

Click to expand...

But was it correct?


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## Mudball (Dec 22, 2020)




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## DRW (Dec 22, 2020)

Antarctic the last continent to fall to the onslaught of covid.

Should have locked them down harder


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## Pathetic Shark (Dec 22, 2020)




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## Pathetic Shark (Dec 22, 2020)

The Government have announced they will use the army and the RAF to deal with the latest covid-19 situations.

There is nothing to worry about though - they are only there to make tea for the navy.


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## rulefan (Dec 22, 2020)




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## williamalex1 (Dec 22, 2020)

bobmac said:



			I'll bet you checked the arthmetic






I did  

Click to expand...

Nope, didn't even check your spelling I'm too trusting


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## Blue in Munich (Dec 22, 2020)

rulefan said:



			But was it correct?
		
Click to expand...

It was.


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## Dando (Dec 22, 2020)

Blue in Munich said:



			It was. 

Click to expand...

Did you ask Diane abacus? 🤣🤦🏻‍♂️


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## Slime (Dec 22, 2020)

Is this any better?


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## Slime (Dec 22, 2020)

I come from a long line of failed magicians.





I've got 3 half sisters.


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## Mudball (Dec 22, 2020)

As this is a golf forum... might work with the older demographic out here... 


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1341268060334862341


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## williamalex1 (Dec 22, 2020)

Sounds about right


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## ColchesterFC (Dec 22, 2020)

The Police have found a large number of dead crows on the A1081 just outside Harpenden early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The investigators then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Bike"


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## ColchesterFC (Dec 22, 2020)




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## PhilTheFragger (Dec 22, 2020)




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## Orikoru (Dec 22, 2020)

Mudball said:



			As this is a golf forum... might work with the older demographic out here...


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1341268060334862341

Click to expand...

"No more awkward moments" they claim as an old man clearly handles his tackle, concealed by a small green towel.


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## ColchesterFC (Dec 22, 2020)

Conversation around the table tonight.....

Both Colch Jnrs - we want to go to Africa.
Me - Which part of Africa?
Younger Colch Jnr - The bit where the kangaroos are.

I think they get their geography knowledge from their mother.


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## Slime (Dec 22, 2020)




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## srixon 1 (Dec 22, 2020)

Mudball said:



			As this is a golf forum... might work with the older demographic out here...


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1341268060334862341

Click to expand...

does it count as one of your 14?


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## williamalex1 (Dec 23, 2020)

Kids lol


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## Doon frae Troon (Dec 23, 2020)

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas........ No 1 in the charts will be Boris Johnson. 

Seemingly a large number of Glasgow children sing about a Wean in a Manger. [for those south of Ecclefechan a wean is a wee yin]


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## Mudball (Dec 23, 2020)




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## Dando (Dec 23, 2020)

Mrs D was moaning about my addiction to Twitter.... so I blocked her


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## Dando (Dec 23, 2020)




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## Mudball (Dec 23, 2020)

Breaking news:  

The whole of Cornwall has been placed into tier 4 lockdown after hundreds of pirates returned home to Penzance to celebrate Christmas with their families.

Apparently the Arrrrr rate has increased dramatically.


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## Dando (Dec 23, 2020)

Mudball said:



			Breaking news:  

The whole of Cornwall has been placed into tier 4 lockdown after hundreds of pirates returned home to Penzance to celebrate Christmas with their families.

Apparently the Arrrrr rate has increased dramatically.
		
Click to expand...

Please bring back @Leftie


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## Mudball (Dec 23, 2020)

listen w/ audio... not suitable for the Americans


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1341772049178636290


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## Slime (Dec 23, 2020)




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## Slime (Dec 23, 2020)




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## williamalex1 (Dec 23, 2020)

Dando said:



			Mrs D was moaning about my addiction to Twitter.... so I blocked her
		
Click to expand...

Laugh ye not, I actually unfriended my wife on Facebook , TRUE.


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## Old Skier (Dec 23, 2020)




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## Slime (Dec 23, 2020)

A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a tramp walked up to him and asked the man for two quid. 
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The tramp replied, "No." 
Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" 
The tramp said, "No."
Then the man asked the tramp









 "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"


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## Pathetic Shark (Dec 24, 2020)




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## Slime (Dec 24, 2020)




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## Slime (Dec 24, 2020)




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## Norrin Radd (Dec 24, 2020)

rulefan said:



View attachment 34114

Click to expand...

Bstard lol


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## Dando (Dec 24, 2020)

This is Bella. I've only had her a week but the wife is allergic so she has to go.
I don't want any money but I want her to go to a good home.
She is house trained, good with kids, a good cook and 49 years old. Please email me and I will deliver.


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## Pathetic Shark (Dec 25, 2020)




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## bobmac (Dec 25, 2020)

At last, after years of trying, I finally got 2 tickets for the US Masters. 
Imagine my horror when my fiance announced yesterday that she had booked the church for our wedding on the same weekend.
I can't do both so if anyone wants to go instead, the church is St. Marys of Lincoln and her name is Vicky


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## Slime (Dec 25, 2020)




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## Slime (Dec 25, 2020)

*Free health check for men.*

Go and take a pee up against a tree in the woods;
If it attracts ants you have high glucose.
If it dries very quickly you have high sodium.
If it smells like meat you have high cholesterol levels.
If you forget to undo your trousers, alzheimer's.
If you had trouble aiming, Parkinson's.
If you pee on your feet, get your prostate sorted.
If you can't smell it, Covid-19.


You're welcome.


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## Old Skier (Dec 26, 2020)




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## Slime (Dec 26, 2020)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1342605201971191809


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## Imurg (Dec 26, 2020)




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## larmen (Dec 27, 2020)

Imurg said:



View attachment 34166

Click to expand...

Ah, the world gets better again after COVID?


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## Slime (Dec 27, 2020)




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## bobmac (Dec 27, 2020)

Pfizer vaccine: effective, protective and safe.
Moderna vaccine: effective, protective and safe.
Oxford vaccine: effective, protective, and safe.

Got to love grammar


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## Deleted Member 1156 (Dec 27, 2020)

bobmac said:



			Pfizer vaccine: effective, protective and safe.
Modena vaccine: effective, protective and safe.
Oxford vaccine: effective, protective, and safe.

Got to love grammar 

Click to expand...

And spelling 😉


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## bobmac (Dec 27, 2020)

drive4show said:



			And spelling 😉
		
Click to expand...

Not my fault, I just copied it. 
Fixed


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## Dando (Dec 27, 2020)




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## Norrin Radd (Dec 27, 2020)

Dando said:



View attachment 34172

Click to expand...

Blatantly stolen and posted elsewhere 👍


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## Smiffy (Dec 27, 2020)




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## Slime (Dec 27, 2020)




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## Slime (Dec 27, 2020)

*Don't you just hate it when people leave the rappers in the box? *


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## Smiffy (Dec 28, 2020)




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## Dando (Dec 28, 2020)

I'm selling my Sooty, Sweep and Sue puppet collection. 
Only want £20 for someone to take them off my hands


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## Slime (Dec 28, 2020)




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## Mudball (Dec 28, 2020)




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## Slime (Dec 28, 2020)




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## Slime (Dec 29, 2020)




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## SteveW86 (Dec 29, 2020)




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## AmandaJR (Dec 30, 2020)




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## ColchesterFC (Dec 30, 2020)

Got to be worth a shot......


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## Pathetic Shark (Dec 30, 2020)

A lorry containing Vicks chest rub overturned today on the M25.  Police report no congestion.


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## Slime (Dec 30, 2020)




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## Slime (Dec 30, 2020)

Why did the baker have brown hands......






Because he kneaded a poo....


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## Mudball (Dec 30, 2020)




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## Dando (Dec 30, 2020)

It’s been a tough year for Ian Blackford


----------



## Fade and Die (Dec 30, 2020)




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## Slime (Dec 30, 2020)




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## Dando (Dec 31, 2020)

It's just one thing on top of another!
I paid a carpenter upfront to make me a double bed and he's only gone and done a bunk!


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## CliveW (Dec 31, 2020)

Dando said:



			It's just one thing on top of another!
I paid a carpenter upfront to make me a double bed and he's only gone and done a bunk!
		
Click to expand...

Beaten to in a fortnight ago! (Post #1653!)


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## Dando (Dec 31, 2020)

CliveW said:



			Beaten to in a fortnight ago! (Post #1653!)
		
Click to expand...

Bugger, no doubt the internet fun police will be knocking on my door at any moment


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## PhilTheFragger (Dec 31, 2020)

Knock ✊ 😂


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## Pathetic Shark (Dec 31, 2020)

PhilTheFragger said:



			Knock ✊ 😂
		
Click to expand...

who's' there?


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## CliveW (Dec 31, 2020)

Dando said:



			Bugger, no doubt the internet fun police will be knocking on my door at any moment
		
Click to expand...

At least my memory hasn't gone!


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## Dando (Dec 31, 2020)

PhilTheFragger said:



			Knock ✊ 😂
		
Click to expand...

best keep away, my daughter has covid!


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## Slime (Dec 31, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Dec 31, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Dec 31, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Dec 31, 2020)




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## Slime (Dec 31, 2020)

I thought I heard Tubular Bells on my farm this winter.





Turns out it was just my cold field!


----------



## toyboy54 (Dec 31, 2020)

Slime....who is writing your scripts(even SWMBO is smiling-thanks for that-makes up for no prezzie,oops)!
Jimbo


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## Slime (Dec 31, 2020)




----------



## Slime (Jan 1, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jan 1, 2021)

I got Cluedo, Swingers Edition, for Christmas.






Turns out they all did it.......................................in every room!


----------



## Slime (Jan 1, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jan 1, 2021)




----------



## GreiginFife (Jan 1, 2021)




----------



## GreiginFife (Jan 1, 2021)




----------



## Smiffy (Jan 2, 2021)




----------



## GreiginFife (Jan 2, 2021)

True story


----------



## Norrin Radd (Jan 2, 2021)

The wife wanted something with diamonds for Xmas .
Apparently a deck of cards wasn't the right choice


----------



## Norrin Radd (Jan 2, 2021)

I nearly had a threesome last night. 
Just needed two more people


----------



## Norrin Radd (Jan 2, 2021)

Farting is no longer to be called a Dutch oven. It is now a test for covid 19. 
if you can smell it you are negative.


----------



## andycap (Jan 2, 2021)




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## Pants (Jan 2, 2021)

andycap said:








Click to expand...


I'll drink to that


----------



## Slab (Jan 3, 2021)

andycap said:








Click to expand...

H'mm, if they made the vaccine contagious Britain would be inoculated in 36 hours!


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## Pathetic Shark (Jan 3, 2021)

Plus all the conspiracy anti-covid vaxxers would immediately stay inside to avoid it -  winner all round.


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## jim8flog (Jan 3, 2021)




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## Pathetic Shark (Jan 3, 2021)

There is no doubt a shark could swim faster than me.
But in return, I could easily out-run a shark.
So basically it comes down to who could cycle the best in the triathlon.


----------



## ColchesterFC (Jan 3, 2021)




----------



## Imurg (Jan 3, 2021)




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## Orikoru (Jan 3, 2021)

ColchesterFC said:



View attachment 34288

Click to expand...

Wow, 100% accurate. Not even sure it's a joke, just accurate descriptions.


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## Swinglowandslow (Jan 3, 2021)

Pathetic Shark said:



			There is no doubt a shark could swim faster than me.
But in return, I could easily out-run a shark.
So basically it comes down to who could cycle the best in the triathlon.
		
Click to expand...

But you'd be disqualified 'cos you wouldn't complete the race, not even the  first leg.
Well, to be completely accurate, you would , but only from inside the shark.😀


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## bobmac (Jan 4, 2021)

2 guys exploring the grass lands of Africa when suddenly they are confronted by a cheetah.
First guy starts taking his shoes off.
Second guy says ''what are you doing?''
First guy  ''I'm putting my running shoes on''
SG. ''Yoll never outrun a cheetah''
FG ''I don't care, as long as I can outrun you''


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## Maninblack4612 (Jan 4, 2021)

Pathetic Shark said:



			There is no doubt a shark could swim faster than me.
But in return, I could easily out-run a shark.
So basically it comes down to who could cycle the best in the triathlon.
		
Click to expand...

The way I heard it was that a Hippopotamaus  can run faster than a man on land & swim faster than a man can in water. The only chance you've got of beating one is on the cycle leg.


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## Dando (Jan 4, 2021)




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## Dando (Jan 4, 2021)

Research has shown that laughing for 2 minutes is as healthy as a 30 minute jog, so I'm off to the park to laugh at all the joggers.


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## Maninblack4612 (Jan 4, 2021)

Dando said:



			Research has shown that laughing for 2 minutes is as healthy as a 30 minute jog, so I'm off to the park to laugh at all the joggers.
		
Click to expand...

Careful, Woofers will be on asking you "Which bit of Stay at Home unless essential don‘t you understand?"


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## Dando (Jan 4, 2021)

Maninblack4612 said:



			Careful, Woofers will be on asking you "Which bit of Stay at Home unless essential don‘t you understand?"
		
Click to expand...

It’s healthy therefore essential!


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## Slime (Jan 4, 2021)




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## SteveW86 (Jan 4, 2021)




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## rulefan (Jan 4, 2021)




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## Slime (Jan 4, 2021)

A neighbour of mine said I was a bit of a looker.




To be honest, voyeur was the word she actually used.


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## Slime (Jan 4, 2021)

Little known fact here;

The father of footballer Danny Welbeck was a bomb disposal expert called Stan.


----------



## Slime (Jan 4, 2021)




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## larmen (Jan 5, 2021)

andycap said:








Click to expand...

I don’t think it will work as it has to be injected into the muscle.

We are much better off if we could genetically modify bees and wasp.


----------



## Mudball (Jan 5, 2021)




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## Mudball (Jan 5, 2021)

Sorry if this seen as political 

https://fb.watch/2Q4tCMGAxl/


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## Doon frae Troon (Jan 5, 2021)

Mudball said:



			Sorry if this seen as political

https://fb.watch/2Q4tCMGAxl/

Click to expand...

OOOOOOOOOOOOOO so tempting but I shall resist.


----------



## GreiginFife (Jan 5, 2021)




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## SatchFan (Jan 5, 2021)

I can’t believe it, 6 weeks till pancake day, and the shops are already selling flour and eggs.


----------



## GreiginFife (Jan 5, 2021)




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## Pathetic Shark (Jan 5, 2021)

My wife and kids are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing...  
And they're off.


----------



## SatchFan (Jan 5, 2021)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Jan 5, 2021)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Jan 5, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jan 5, 2021)




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## Mudball (Jan 5, 2021)

ColchesterFC said:



View attachment 34342

Click to expand...

What if it goes to Hermes...  your neighbour's cat may get your vaccine


----------



## Mudball (Jan 6, 2021)




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## Neilds (Jan 6, 2021)

If you think that 2020 was bad, just think that in 20 years, this country will be run by people who were home schooled by alcoholics 🤪🤪🤪


----------



## CliveW (Jan 6, 2021)




----------



## SatchFan (Jan 6, 2021)




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## Dando (Jan 6, 2021)

Missing the pub? You can easily mimic that Wetherspoons experience at home, just take tomorrow’s cans out of the fridge and open them today, pour some golden syrup into your carpet, ask the bloke 6 doors down if you can use his toilet and teach the wife Polish.


----------



## Slime (Jan 6, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jan 6, 2021)




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## Doon frae Troon (Jan 7, 2021)

It is not unusual for the USA to Stage a coup.

It's just unusual for then to do it in their own country


----------



## Mudball (Jan 7, 2021)




----------



## NearHull (Jan 7, 2021)

Doon frae Troon said:



			It is not unusual for the USA to Stage a coup.

It's just unusual for then to do it in their own country

Click to expand...

That did make me chuckle.


----------



## rulefan (Jan 7, 2021)




----------



## SatchFan (Jan 7, 2021)




----------



## SatchFan (Jan 7, 2021)

Convert your Breadmaker into an exercise bike by putting it in the corner of your bedroom and hanging clothes on it.


----------



## yandabrown (Jan 7, 2021)




----------



## SatchFan (Jan 7, 2021)

Simulate the Center Parcs experience by going in the woods and setting fire to your wallet.


----------



## Dando (Jan 7, 2021)

rulefan said:



View attachment 34369

Click to expand...

that happened to you as well?


----------



## Slime (Jan 7, 2021)

Manchester United are desperately in need of Viagra.





They can't get past a semi.


----------



## Imurg (Jan 7, 2021)

The difference between the Capitol building and Mordor?


----------



## jim8flog (Jan 7, 2021)

My daughter in law who works in a mental hospital has just had the covid vaccine, as has everybody else in there .
I think I am going crazy.


----------



## Blue in Munich (Jan 7, 2021)

After last night's events in Washington, Mexico have decided they WILL pay for the wall.

Canada are building one too


----------



## chrisd (Jan 7, 2021)

Blue in Munich said:



			After last night's events in Washington, Mexico have decided the WILL pay for the wall.

Canada are building one too
		
Click to expand...

Lets just hope Canada's stretches across Scotland too 😁😁


----------



## brendy (Jan 8, 2021)

Can we keep these posts reasonably tasteful, pretty please?


----------



## Dando (Jan 8, 2021)

Blue in Munich said:



			After last night's events in Washington, Mexico have decided they WILL pay for the wall.

Canada are building one too
		
Click to expand...

Someone should tell them it’s a new year resolution not revolution!


----------



## ColchesterFC (Jan 8, 2021)

brendy said:



			Can we keep these posts reasonably tasteful, pretty please?
		
Click to expand...

Sorry. And as the kids would say "my bad".


----------



## Dando (Jan 8, 2021)

if Nasa really want to find water on Mars, they should send a golfer up there with a club and a brand new Prov1


----------



## Neilds (Jan 8, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jan 8, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Jan 8, 2021)

My children want to put me in to a nursing home
They think it will be the quickest way I will get a vaccine jab.


----------



## Old Skier (Jan 8, 2021)




----------



## Mudball (Jan 8, 2021)

Some headline writers can be savage


----------



## SatchFan (Jan 8, 2021)

I ordered some gravy from Amazon but they said they were out of stock.


----------



## Slime (Jan 8, 2021)




----------



## Mudball (Jan 9, 2021)

This year’s blockbuster... available on Xbox and PS5, but not on Twitter


----------



## Dando (Jan 9, 2021)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (Jan 9, 2021)




----------



## Old Skier (Jan 9, 2021)




----------



## Imurg (Jan 9, 2021)

Old Skier said:



View attachment 34393

Click to expand...

My Mrs would be more worried if I had bought her jewellery  -  she'd be wondering what I'd done wrong....


----------



## GreiginFife (Jan 9, 2021)

Old Skier said:



View attachment 34393

Click to expand...

#1866


----------



## ColchesterFC (Jan 9, 2021)

I was so bored that I swapped all the wrappers in a box of Celebrations around. Mrs Colch isn't happy at all. In fact she got her snickers in a twix.


----------



## Slime (Jan 9, 2021)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Jan 9, 2021)

Tesco are selling a book of 1000 raffle tickets for £2-50. This seems a bit of a bargain as I normally have to pay £1 per strip.


----------



## Dando (Jan 9, 2021)

ColchesterFC said:



			Tesco are selling a book of 1000 raffle tickets for £2-50. This seems a bit of a bargain as I normally have to pay £1 per strip.
		
Click to expand...

Have you stolen all @Leftie “jokes”


----------



## Pants (Jan 9, 2021)

Dando said:



			Have you stolen all @Leftie “jokes”
		
Click to expand...

He must have done.  I don't think Leftie has posted any for quite a while now.


----------



## Slime (Jan 9, 2021)




----------



## Liverpoolphil (Jan 10, 2021)

The 10 Best Caddy Replies

# 10 -- Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

# 9 -- Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

# 8 -- Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

# 7 -- Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy: "Eventually."

# 6 -- Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

# 5 -- Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of A distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

# 4 -- Golfer: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

# 3 -- Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?" Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

# 2 -- Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

# 1 -- Best Caddy Comment Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."


----------



## bobmac (Jan 10, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Jan 10, 2021)

Nobody about this morning when i took the dog out at 6.30, but I did see an apple pie, an ice cream sundae and a slice of cheesecake.
The streets were strangely desserted.


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Jan 10, 2021)

I was winning a horse race the other day when someone in the crowd threw some sandwiches, a jar of pickled onions and a bottle of wine at me.
Apparently I lost because I was badly hampered.


----------



## clubchamp98 (Jan 10, 2021)

bobmac said:



View attachment 34408

Click to expand...

If only that was allowed!


----------



## SatchFan (Jan 10, 2021)




----------



## Italian outcast (Jan 10, 2021)




----------



## SatchFan (Jan 10, 2021)




----------



## Pants (Jan 10, 2021)

When I answered the door this morning, on the doorstep was a huge beetle who smacked me round the face and punched me in the stomach. There’s a very nasty bug going round…


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Jan 10, 2021)

Fade and Die said:



			The Tattoo parlour in town is offering free Tattoos for topless women..... It’s a Tit for Tat offer.
		
Click to expand...

not sure whether to delete this because
a) it’s a crap joke
B) it’s sexist
C it’s a crap joke

What do you think?


----------



## JollyRedDevil (Jan 10, 2021)

PhilTheFragger said:



			not sure whether to delete this because
a) it’s a crap joke
B) it’s sexist
C it’s a crap joke

What do you think?
		
Click to expand...

Really crap jokes, some of these.


----------



## Fade and Die (Jan 10, 2021)

PhilTheFragger said:



			not sure whether to delete this because
a) it’s a crap joke
B) it’s sexist
C it’s a crap joke

What do you think?
		
Click to expand...

🤷‍♂️


----------



## Slime (Jan 10, 2021)




----------



## fundy (Jan 10, 2021)

PhilTheFragger said:



			not sure whether to delete this because
a) it’s a crap joke
B) it’s sexist
C it’s a crap joke

What do you think?
		
Click to expand...

well if its a or c you better delete the majority of the thread


----------



## SatchFan (Jan 11, 2021)

If only there was an easier way.


----------



## Dando (Jan 12, 2021)




----------



## Smiffy (Jan 12, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jan 12, 2021)

This bloke goes into see his doctor and says, "Every time I see a lorry, I get an erection."
The doc laughs and says, "Impossible."
So the bloke stands up and walks over to the window and, after a lorry passes by, he pulls his trousers down to reveal a huge erection.
The doctor says, "This defies medical science, but give me a sample of blood then come back in three weeks and I'll have a result."
Three weeks pass by and the bloke returns to the doctors. 
On entering his office, the doctor says, "Sit down, I have some bad news for you."
The bloke slumps into a chair and says, "What is it doc?"







The doctor explains, "You're HGV positive."


----------



## Mudball (Jan 12, 2021)

PhilTheFragger said:



			not sure whether to delete this because
a) *it’s a *crap joke
B) it’s sexist
C) *it is a *crap joke

What do you think?
		
Click to expand...

There fixed it for your.. now we have something to choose from,


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Jan 12, 2021)

Mudball said:



			There fixed it for your.. now we have something to choose from,
		
Click to expand...

Bored are we? 😂😂


----------



## Slime (Jan 12, 2021)

Man United ...........................top of the league.


----------



## Dando (Jan 12, 2021)




----------



## Mudball (Jan 13, 2021)

1)  Govt Cancels GCSE and A-levels as it is too dangerous 
2)  Govt says GCSE and A-level pupils could sit mini exam...    (I am assuming Covid may find mini-exam more difficult to crack)


----------



## Dando (Jan 13, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Jan 13, 2021)

PhilTheFragger said:



			not sure whether to delete this because
a) it’s a crap joke
B) it’s sexist
C it’s a crap joke

What do you think?
		
Click to expand...

 I think you should clamp down on a joke like that 

https://www.toys4naughtyboys.co.uk/silver-nipple-clamps-with-chain


----------



## williamalex1 (Jan 13, 2021)

jim8flog said:



			I think you should clamp down on a joke like that

https://www.toys4naughtyboys.co.uk/silver-nipple-clamps-with-chain

Click to expand...

Fragger should nip this in the bud


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Jan 13, 2021)

williamalex1 said:



			Fragger should nip this in the bud 

Click to expand...

I already have some I confiscated from @Dando 
If you don’t stop I’ll give them back 😂


----------



## Pants (Jan 13, 2021)

I'd resisted the urge to post this - up to now.

Apple is about to release iTit - a breast implant, in a range of sizes, that can play and store all your favourite music. This major breakthrough was developed because women are sick of men staring at their boobs and not listening to them.


----------



## Slime (Jan 13, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jan 13, 2021)




----------



## yandabrown (Jan 13, 2021)

Slime said:








Click to expand...

I'm guessing that this must the comedic equivalent of John Cage's 4'33 ?


----------



## Dando (Jan 13, 2021)




----------



## Mudball (Jan 13, 2021)

Dando said:



View attachment 34472

Click to expand...

Not a term i am familar with... what is a butt plug? 3A or 13?


----------



## drdel (Jan 13, 2021)

Mudball said:



			Not a term i am familar with... what is a butt plug? 3A or 13?
		
Click to expand...

Bit like an 'embedded Pro-V1, but you wouldn't get relief or your club on it.


----------



## clubchamp98 (Jan 13, 2021)

drdel said:



			Bit like an 'embedded Pro-V1, but you wouldn't get relief or your club on it.
		
Click to expand...

Preferred lies were invented for this!


----------



## drdel (Jan 13, 2021)

clubchamp98 said:



			Preferred lies were invented for this!
		
Click to expand...

I suspect you'd want to lay-up.


----------



## Mudball (Jan 13, 2021)

drdel said:



			I suspect you'd want to lay-up.
		
Click to expand...




clubchamp98 said:



			Preferred lies were invented for this!
		
Click to expand...

Not good if you take a divot or try or go backwards by hacking out of the bush - club can get entangled


----------



## clubchamp98 (Jan 13, 2021)

Mudball said:



			Not good if you take a divot or try or go backwards by hacking out of the bush - club can get entangled
		
Click to expand...

Would bring a new meaning to Mudball!


----------



## Slime (Jan 14, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jan 14, 2021)

A guy in a pub sold me a rare, antique map of the Sahara Desert for only £20 last night.






This morning when I sobered up I realised that it was a sheet of sandpaper!


----------



## Maninblack4612 (Jan 15, 2021)




----------



## Doon frae Troon (Jan 15, 2021)

Historical USA President...........I cannot tell a lie
Modern USA President.............I cannot tell the truth.
Modern UK Prime Minister........I cannot tell the difference.


----------



## Slime (Jan 15, 2021)




----------



## rulefan (Jan 15, 2021)

Doon frae Troon said:



			Historical USA President...........I cannot tell a lie
Modern USA President.............I cannot tell the truth.
Modern UK Prime Minister........I cannot tell the difference.

Click to expand...


----------



## fundy (Jan 15, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jan 15, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jan 15, 2021)




----------



## Smiffy (Jan 16, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Jan 16, 2021)

A new Brazilian strain of Covid has been discovered.. not to worry though, it'll only effect a small strip down south


----------



## Mudball (Jan 16, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Jan 16, 2021)




----------



## Blue in Munich (Jan 16, 2021)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Jan 16, 2021)

Blue in Munich said:



View attachment 34507

Click to expand...

Memorex are made of this (see what I did there) 😂😂


----------



## Blue in Munich (Jan 16, 2021)

PhilTheFragger said:



			Memorex are made of this (see what I did there) 😂😂
		
Click to expand...

I did, but it's not getting any better with practice...


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Jan 16, 2021)

PhilTheFragger said:



			Memorex are made of this (see what I did there) 😂😂
		
Click to expand...




Blue in Munich said:



			I did, but it's not getting any better with practice... 

Click to expand...

Oh come on, a superb example of punnery of the highest level
Far better than the stuff @Slime & @Dando  post 😂😂😎


----------



## Old Skier (Jan 16, 2021)

Those that know, know


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Jan 16, 2021)

Old Skier said:



			Those that know, know
View attachment 34509

Click to expand...

Just missing the egg 😂😂


----------



## Old Skier (Jan 16, 2021)

PhilTheFragger said:



			Just missing the egg 😂😂
		
Click to expand...

And OMD 75 finger prints.


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Jan 16, 2021)

Old Skier said:



			And OMD 75 finger prints.
		
Click to expand...

Now you’re talking weird Tankie stuff 😂😂


----------



## Imurg (Jan 16, 2021)

PhilTheFragger said:



			Now you’re talking weird Tankie stuff 😂😂
		
Click to expand...

Now?


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Jan 16, 2021)

Imurg said:



			Now?
		
Click to expand...

yeah the Egg Banjo is general army slang, but then it gets a bit trade specific. 

Used to love getting gassed, standing in a hole shouting BANG 😂😂


----------



## Old Skier (Jan 16, 2021)

PhilTheFragger said:



			yeah the Egg Banjo is general army slang, but then it gets a bit trade specific.

Used to love getting gassed, standing in a hole shouting BANG 😂😂
		
Click to expand...

Trade? It's a calling.


----------



## NearHull (Jan 16, 2021)

Old Skier said:



			Trade? It's a calling.
		
Click to expand...

We used to get egg banjos delivered in a hot locks.  The ones at the bottom of the pile of 15 or so were to die for.  (that’s CPX dying of course)


----------



## Blue in Munich (Jan 16, 2021)

Old Skier said:



			Those that know, know
View attachment 34509

Click to expand...


And for those who don't know...

https://www.forces.net/military-life/fun/ever-wondered-why-its-called-egg-banjo


----------



## SatchFan (Jan 16, 2021)




----------



## Tashyboy (Jan 16, 2021)

A little read


----------



## Imurg (Jan 16, 2021)




----------



## Pants (Jan 16, 2021)

Tashyboy said:



			A little read
		
Click to expand...

Oi.  Plagairism.  Thought I'd seen it before.  Post 1502.


----------



## Tashyboy (Jan 16, 2021)

Pants said:



			Oi.  Plagairism.  Thought I'd seen it before.  Post 1502. 

Click to expand...

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣


----------



## Imurg (Jan 16, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Jan 16, 2021)




----------



## williamalex1 (Jan 16, 2021)

I was thinking maybe I've been drinking too much, so I've stopped thinking, cheers


----------



## Dando (Jan 16, 2021)

williamalex1 said:



			I was thinking maybe I've been drinking too much, so I've stopped thinking, cheers 

Click to expand...

I made a promise not to drink any more. I’m not going to drink any less either


----------



## ColchesterFC (Jan 17, 2021)

More bad news is about to be announced I'm afraid.  The first vaccine for Covid 19 may soon run out as global demand increases exponentially...  

The Pfizer Chiefs have said, "I predict a riot!".


----------



## Slime (Jan 17, 2021)




----------



## Imurg (Jan 17, 2021)

Slime said:








Click to expand...

Best one yet..


----------



## Slime (Jan 18, 2021)




----------



## Tashyboy (Jan 18, 2021)

Sheffield United have now moved all their remaining fixtures from Bramhall Lane to the Crucible Theatre due to the fact they now need Snookers


----------



## ADB (Jan 18, 2021)

My friend from work just rang me, he's caught Covid from his CAT!

Don't ask meow....


----------



## Slime (Jan 18, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jan 18, 2021)




----------



## Smiffy (Jan 19, 2021)

Wifes Valentine present sorted............


----------



## need_my_wedge (Jan 19, 2021)




----------



## Imurg (Jan 19, 2021)




----------



## Rooter (Jan 19, 2021)

Smiffy said:



			Wifes Valentine present sorted............

View attachment 34559

Click to expand...


OMG I just lost my mind, I had no idea this was a thing! There are dog ones too!! AMAZING!!

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Crapping-D...6&hvtargid=pla-1105567412564&psc=1&th=1&psc=1


----------



## Smiffy (Jan 19, 2021)

Rooter said:



			OMG I just lost my mind, I had no idea this was a thing! There are dog ones too!! AMAZING!!

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Crapping-D...6&hvtargid=pla-1105567412564&psc=1&th=1&psc=1

Click to expand...

Go for it Son, it will knock her bandy
😉😉😉


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Jan 19, 2021)

Can you get an Australian cricket one because they did today against India


----------



## larmen (Jan 19, 2021)

Smiffy said:



			Wifes Valentine present sorted............

View attachment 34559

Click to expand...

Should have poster it in December, secret Santa around the country could have gone viral


----------



## andycap (Jan 19, 2021)

I was kidnapped by a group of mime artists .

They did unspeakable things to me !


----------



## jim8flog (Jan 19, 2021)

need_my_wedge said:









Click to expand...


 Made me watch some their others. Really good and funny


----------



## Dando (Jan 19, 2021)




----------



## Blue in Munich (Jan 19, 2021)

Imurg said:



View attachment 34561

Click to expand...

That certainly explains @Khamelion ‘s choice of outfits, he can’t see what we do 😁


----------



## Dando (Jan 19, 2021)




----------



## Blue in Munich (Jan 19, 2021)




----------



## Blue in Munich (Jan 19, 2021)




----------



## Tashyboy (Jan 19, 2021)

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.


----------



## need_my_wedge (Jan 20, 2021)

don't know who does this, or how, but would have been even funnier if they could apply the sea shanty effect applied to the original below 


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1349824512544698369


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Jan 20, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jan 20, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Jan 20, 2021)




----------



## SatchFan (Jan 20, 2021)




----------



## Tashyboy (Jan 20, 2021)

My trip into the village earlier today


----------



## Tashyboy (Jan 20, 2021)

Bet the neighbours are gutted now


----------



## bobmac (Jan 21, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jan 21, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Jan 21, 2021)

Tashyboy said:



			Bet the neighbours are gutted now
		
Click to expand...

 That reminds me.

I have lived here for 35 years. In the road nearby there has been a large boat in the garden ever since we have lived here. I have never seen it be moved in all that time. The last time we had serious flooding in the village was long before I lived here.


----------



## rulefan (Jan 21, 2021)




----------



## Swinglowandslow (Jan 21, 2021)

jim8flog said:



			That reminds me.

I have lived here for 35 years. In the road nearby there has been a large boat in the garden ever since we have lived here. I have never seen it be moved in all that time. The last time we had serious flooding in the village was long before I lived here.
		
Click to expand...

Tides are not as high as they used to be.!


----------



## ColchesterFC (Jan 21, 2021)

Mrs Colch asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl. I was gobsmacked. I had no idea that the dog could play cricket.


----------



## rulefan (Jan 21, 2021)




----------



## Smiffy (Jan 21, 2021)

Do not eat cheese before you go to bed. You have been warned.

I had an absolutely terrible dream the other night, woke up in a cold sweat....
Dreamt I was shipwrecked on a desert island with the bikini clad trio of Kylie Minogue, Rachel Riley and Nigella Lawson.
I was Stephen Hawkin.
😱😱😱😱


----------



## Dando (Jan 21, 2021)

Smiffy said:



			Do not eat cheese before you go to bed. You have been warned.

I had an absolutely terrible dream the other night, woke up in a cold sweat....
Dreamt I was shipwrecked on a desert island with the bikini clad trio of Kylie Minogue, Rachel Riley and Nigella Lawson.
I was Stephen Hawkin.
😱😱😱😱
		
Click to expand...

Well you play golf like him


----------



## Slime (Jan 21, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Jan 21, 2021)




----------



## need_my_wedge (Jan 22, 2021)




----------



## rulefan (Jan 22, 2021)

need_my_wedge said:



View attachment 34622

Click to expand...

 Can't make out what it is about


----------



## need_my_wedge (Jan 22, 2021)

rulefan said:



 Can't make out what it is about
		
Click to expand...

originally uploaded via phone, for some reason the forum software downgraded the photo quality due to image size, edited from PC, smaller image, better quality


----------



## Crow (Jan 22, 2021)

need_my_wedge said:



			originally uploaded via phone, for some reason the forum software downgraded the photo quality due to image size, edited from PC, smaller image, better quality 

Click to expand...

Still needs an explanation....


----------



## rulefan (Jan 22, 2021)

need_my_wedge said:



			originally uploaded via phone, for some reason the forum software downgraded the photo quality due to image size, edited from PC, smaller image, better quality 

Click to expand...

Still don't understand the joke or is it me?


----------



## need_my_wedge (Jan 22, 2021)

rulefan said:



			Still don't understand the joke or is it me?
		
Click to expand...

Initially, just thought it was an amusing mock up image, but given the LPGA comment at the bottom, I'm guessing it was done off the back of this  https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/20...ansgender-students-participate-school-sports/


----------



## need_my_wedge (Jan 22, 2021)




----------



## Tashyboy (Jan 22, 2021)

Which course is it 😳


----------



## Dando (Jan 22, 2021)

a lady with big boobs got on my dad's bus last week and said to him "Are you going to Oldham."

he no longer drives buses


----------



## Mudball (Jan 22, 2021)




----------



## SwingsitlikeHogan (Jan 22, 2021)

The laughter of Dr Anthony Fauci in his WH media briefing yesterday after the reporter had suggested Fauci has been joking about being freed up to speak.


----------



## bobmac (Jan 22, 2021)

SwingsitlikeHogan said:



			The laughter of Dr Anthony Fauci in his WH media briefing yesterday after the reporter had suggested Fauci has been joking about being freed up to speak.







Click to expand...

And seeing Bernie Sanders laghing at himself.


----------



## SatchFan (Jan 22, 2021)

Found my first grey pubic hair today. Shame it was in a Big Mac.


----------



## Dando (Jan 22, 2021)

Found the perfect outfit for the old farts to wear at forest pines this year


----------



## JollyRedDevil (Jan 22, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jan 23, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jan 23, 2021)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1352647214762487809


----------



## SteveW86 (Jan 23, 2021)




----------



## AmandaJR (Jan 23, 2021)

SteveW86 said:









Click to expand...

Brilliant


----------



## Mudball (Jan 23, 2021)




----------



## Deleted Member 1156 (Jan 23, 2021)




----------



## Mudball (Jan 23, 2021)

Slime said:




__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1352647214762487809

Click to expand...

 It’s great to see the younger lads on the European tour have a great sense of humour... Tommy is a showman. I just love Henrik’s dry scandi humour ..


----------



## SocketRocket (Jan 23, 2021)




----------



## srixon 1 (Jan 23, 2021)

With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently:
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit.
"May we see the new baby?" One of them asked.
"Not yet." Said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."
Another half hour passed before another relative asked. "May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet." Said the mother.
A while later and again the guests asked. "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet." Replied the mother.
Growing impatient, they asked. "Well, when can we see the baby?"
"When it cries." She told them.
"When it cries?" They gasped. "Why do we have to wait until it cries?"
"Because, I forgot where I put it."


----------



## srixon 1 (Jan 23, 2021)

“The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."
This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari’s existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for!
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.


----------



## bobmac (Jan 24, 2021)




----------



## Pants (Jan 24, 2021)

8:18 Bob?  That's half the day gone


----------



## Pants (Jan 24, 2021)




----------



## Smiffy (Jan 24, 2021)




----------



## rulefan (Jan 25, 2021)

An elderly man was stopped by the police ‪around 2 am‬ and asked where he was going at that time of night. 

He replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." 

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" 

The man replied:  "That would be my wife."


----------



## AmandaJR (Jan 25, 2021)

Smiffy said:



View attachment 34684

Click to expand...

In my case - girls need them too...the 10 year old in me thought "wow that looks amazing"!


----------



## SatchFan (Jan 25, 2021)




----------



## bobmac (Jan 25, 2021)

More wine sir?


----------



## Mudball (Jan 25, 2021)

Had to go to hospital yesterday. As I sat in the waiting room, a nurse popped in and said “The best laid schemes o' mice an' men Gang aft a-gley, An' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain For promis'd joy.”

Later, a doctor came in and said “Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face, 
Great chieftain o the puddin'-race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o' a grace.”

I went to the receptionist to ask if I was in A&E, she replied, “No, this is the Burns unit.”


----------



## backwoodsman (Jan 25, 2021)

Mudball said:



			Had to go to hospital yesterday. As I sat in the waiting room, a nurse popped in and said “The best laid schemes o' mice an' men Gang aft a-gley, An' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain For promis'd joy.”

Later, a doctor came in and said “Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin'-race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o' a grace.”

I went to the receptionist to ask if I was in A&E, she replied, “No, this is the Burns unit.”
		
Click to expand...

On which note, greetings on Burns night to all north of the border.  Sadly, I expect  you've to pipe in your own haggis tonight. I'm neither Scottish nor a piper so I just eat the haggis. Slainte Mhath!


----------



## yandabrown (Jan 25, 2021)

Frank Lampard on his sacking from Chelsea:-
Friends and family are everything,” said the former midfielder. “When I got home, John Terry was already there comforting Christine on the couch. Not sure how he heard the news so quickly, but they were both red-faced and breathless with emotion.”


----------



## Slime (Jan 25, 2021)




----------



## Pants (Jan 25, 2021)

A little boy gets home from school and says: "Dad, I've got a part in the school Nativity as a man who's been married for 25 years." His father replies: "Never mind son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part."


----------



## Slime (Jan 25, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Jan 26, 2021)

Ran out of toilet paper this morning so had to do the trousers halfway down the legs waddle to get some more... I'm almost at Sainsbury's now..


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Jan 26, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jan 26, 2021)

A man was cleaning his shotgun when it accidentally went off and killed his wife.
He immediately called 999.

Man : "Please help me, I've accidentally shot the wife, I think she's dead".
Operator : "Please calm down sir, the first thing you have to do is make sure that she's really dead".
CLICK.
BANG.
Man : "Okay, done that. What next?"


----------



## bobmac (Jan 27, 2021)




----------



## rulefan (Jan 27, 2021)




----------



## rulefan (Jan 28, 2021)




----------



## rulefan (Jan 28, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jan 28, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jan 28, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jan 28, 2021)

I said to my doctor " I applied that hemorrhoid cream you gave me but I got a very nasty reaction"

"Where did you apply it?" he asked.








 "On the bus", I replied.


----------



## SatchFan (Jan 28, 2021)




----------



## Smiffy (Jan 29, 2021)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Jan 29, 2021)

Smiffy said:



View attachment 34738

Click to expand...

Sounds like a Ronnie Barker / Barry Cryer classic 😂😂


----------



## Mudball (Jan 29, 2021)

Just saw this advertising appear on top of my screen ... made me chuckle .. 
Are we planning to leave the World Bank or IMF or something?


----------



## Smiffy (Jan 29, 2021)

A professor was visiting East Anglia University giving a talk on the paranormal.
He stood in front of a packed auditorium and said "Today we will be talking about ghosts"...
About 150 students fell into hushed silence.
"Hands up all those that believe in ghosts" he said.
About 80 hands shot up.
"Great, it's good to see you are taking this seriously. Now hands up, all those that have actually seen a ghost"
About half the number of hands went back down again.
"This is good" he said. "Now hands up, all those that have actually talked to a ghost"
Most people put their hands down, but about 10 or so students left their hands up.
"Right, now we are getting somewhere" said the professor.
"Hands up those that have actually touched a ghost"
Most hands now went down, but three hands remained in the air, including a young local lads at the back of the room.
"OK" said the professor, "this one have always resulted in a blank, but I'll ask it anyway. Hands up, all those that have actually had sex with a ghost"
The only hand left up was the young lads at the back of the room.
"Well that's amazing" said the professor and gestured to the young lad to come down to the stage.
As the youngster arrived at the stage, the professor turned to him and said "Well son, that's the first time anybody has ever answered positively to my last question. Now please tell everybody else here what it was like having sex with a ghost"
The student looked embarrassed and then said "I'm sorry Sir, I was right at the back of the room and could hardly hear anything. I thought you said goats"


----------



## rulefan (Jan 29, 2021)

Two Diaries.... 

 Husband and Wife recording things in their diaries:



Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed,  but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing".

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it

On the way home, I told him that I loved him.

He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say,  'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.  He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.  But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.





Husband's Diary:

A five putt … who the hell five putts? !


----------



## richart (Jan 29, 2021)

rulefan said:



			Two Diaries....

Husband and Wife recording things in their diaries:



Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed,  but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing".

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it

On the way home, I told him that I loved him.

He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say,  'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.  He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.  But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.





Husband's Diary:

A five putt … who the hell five putts? !
		
Click to expand...

Chrisd ?


----------



## rulefan (Jan 29, 2021)




----------



## bobmac (Jan 29, 2021)




----------



## SatchFan (Jan 29, 2021)

rulefan said:



			Two Diaries....

Husband and Wife recording things in their diaries:



Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed,  but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing".

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it

On the way home, I told him that I loved him.

He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say,  'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.  He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.  But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.





Husband's Diary:

A five putt … who the hell five putts? !
		
Click to expand...

Rory McIlroy


----------



## Old Skier (Jan 29, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jan 29, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jan 29, 2021)

I got an honours degree in calligraphy.​


To be honest I don't think it's going to help me get a job, but it looks good on paper...                     
​


----------



## ColchesterFC (Jan 29, 2021)

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed and says: "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike... Mike..."
"Who is it?" Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike. It's me, Joe..."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe." insists the voice.
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"'Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says, "is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."
"'That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what could possibly be the bad news? "
"You're in the team for Saturday."


----------



## Slime (Jan 30, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Jan 30, 2021)

My dads ill in hospital after he Accidentally ate a daffodil bulb instead of an onion. 
doctors say he’ll be out in the spring


----------



## SocketRocket (Jan 30, 2021)

rulefan said:



			Two Diaries....

Husband and Wife recording things in their diaries:



Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed,  but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing".

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it

On the way home, I told him that I loved him.

He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say,  'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.  He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.  But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.





Husband's Diary:

A five putt … who the hell five putts? !
		
Click to expand...

Or:
How do flys walk upside down on the ceiling without falling off.


----------



## Blue in Munich (Jan 30, 2021)

A dung beetle walks into a bar and says "Is this stool taken...?"


----------



## Slime (Jan 31, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jan 31, 2021)




----------



## rulefan (Jan 31, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jan 31, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jan 31, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Jan 31, 2021)

Primary School Children Writing About The Sea
1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jamie age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
5) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy age 7)
6) My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily age 5)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
8 )I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.(Becky age 8 )
13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny (Julie age 7)


----------



## Slime (Jan 31, 2021)




----------



## Pants (Feb 1, 2021)

A man opens door to find a policeman, holding a photo. "Is this your wife, sir?" the copper asks. The man nods, so the cop clears his throat and says, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident." "Yeah, I know," says the man, "but she's got a lovely personality."


----------



## Tashyboy (Feb 1, 2021)

Nicola sturgeon is introducing three doses for the Covid vaccine in Scotland.
a first dose
a second dose
a Fandabbydose


----------



## Old Skier (Feb 1, 2021)




----------



## Old Skier (Feb 1, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Feb 1, 2021)




----------



## toyboy54 (Feb 1, 2021)

Finally got SWMBO to sit and go through some of these--she still can't understand why the tears are literally running down my face(and PML)!
Weird woman,think she's misplaced  the humour gene??
Thanks for the laughs folks-really good!
Jimbo


----------



## williamalex1 (Feb 1, 2021)

toyboy54 said:



			Finally got SWMBO to sit and go through some of these--she still can't understand why the tears are literally running down my face(and PML)!
Weird woman,think she's misplaced  the humour gene??
Thanks for the laughs folks-really good!
Jimbo
		
Click to expand...

My wife's the same, why she ever married me I don't know or mibbie it's vice versa . Or her Humourectomy


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Feb 2, 2021)

The former Mrs Shark never thought Blazing Saddles was funny.  That should be enough of a message for me.


----------



## Pants (Feb 2, 2021)

Every year, without fail ....


----------



## yandabrown (Feb 2, 2021)




----------



## Smiffy (Feb 3, 2021)




----------



## bobmac (Feb 3, 2021)

Smiffy said:



View attachment 34831

Click to expand...

None of us have escaped completely ......


----------



## Neilds (Feb 3, 2021)




----------



## Neilds (Feb 3, 2021)




----------



## Imurg (Feb 3, 2021)

I thought yesterday was Groundhog da..................................................


----------



## sunshine (Feb 3, 2021)

Neilds said:



View attachment 34835

Click to expand...

FACT


----------



## sunshine (Feb 3, 2021)

Imurg said:



View attachment 34837

I thought yesterday was Groundhog da..................................................
		
Click to expand...

Very good


----------



## Whereditgo (Feb 3, 2021)

My wife messaged me with a selfie of her in a new dress and asked "Does my bum look big in this?"

I messaged back "Nooooo!"

My phone autocorrected to "Mooooo!"

Please send help!


----------



## backwoodsman (Feb 3, 2021)

Silly, but made me laugh...


----------



## Slime (Feb 3, 2021)




----------



## rulefan (Feb 4, 2021)




----------



## Swinglowandslow (Feb 4, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 34867

Click to expand...

Oh, that is soooo funny😂😂😂


----------



## Slime (Feb 5, 2021)

I'm trying to think up a joke involving carpentry. 



What do you think woodwork?


----------



## Pants (Feb 5, 2021)

Just heard on the news that a bloke has been shot dead with a starter pistol.

Police think it may be race related.


----------



## SatchFan (Feb 5, 2021)

Day 282 without sex. I'm just going for a jog in my flipflops to remind me what it sounded like.


----------



## drdel (Feb 5, 2021)

SatchFan said:



			Day 282 without sex. I'm just going for a jog in my flipflops to remind me what it sounded like.
		
Click to expand...

Why? 
Did you flop before you flipped?


----------



## SatchFan (Feb 5, 2021)

drdel said:



			Why?
Did you flop before you flipped?
		
Click to expand...

Sometimes all I can manage is a stiff upper lip.


----------



## Tashyboy (Feb 5, 2021)

SatchFan said:



			Day 282 without sex. I'm just going for a jog in my flipflops to remind me what it sounded like.
		
Click to expand...

quick run round the garden for Tash then. 😳


----------



## GreiginFife (Feb 5, 2021)

Tashyboy said:



			quick run round the garden for Tash then. 😳
		
Click to expand...

Crocs don't sound the same...


----------



## Tashyboy (Feb 5, 2021)

GreiginFife said:



			Crocs don't sound the same...
		
Click to expand...

😳😂😂😂😂😂😂


----------



## Tashyboy (Feb 5, 2021)

Sums it up


----------



## bobmac (Feb 5, 2021)

Tashyboy said:



			Sums it up
		
Click to expand...

Stolen


----------



## Pants (Feb 5, 2021)

Don't you hate it when you're picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone's luggage is better than yours?




It's a worst case scenario.


----------



## sunshine (Feb 5, 2021)

Pants said:



			Don't you hate it when you're picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone's luggage is better than yours?




It's a worst case scenario.
		
Click to expand...

If you're in a German airport, you can console yourself with a sausage and some cheese. That's a wurst kasse scenario.


----------



## Tashyboy (Feb 5, 2021)

bobmac said:



			Stolen  

Click to expand...

Has it been on Bob 😳
First time Ave seen it and it made me chuckle, what sites you been googling 🤔😳😁


----------



## DanFST (Feb 5, 2021)

="



"

Reminds me of this forum. Full version is HERE 15 minutes of just hilarity.


----------



## Slime (Feb 5, 2021)

DanFST said:



			="



"

Reminds me of this forum. Full version is HERE 15 minutes of just hilarity.
		
Click to expand...

Too late, Kellfire got there first!
https://forums.golfmonthly.com/threads/things-that-gladden-the-heart.92093/page-224#post-2303741
Post #4477


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Feb 5, 2021)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Feb 6, 2021)




----------



## bobmac (Feb 6, 2021)

Tashyboy said:



			Has it been on Bob 😳
First time Ave seen it and it made me chuckle, what sites you been googling 🤔😳😁
		
Click to expand...

No, I've stolen it


----------



## rulefan (Feb 6, 2021)




----------



## Tashyboy (Feb 6, 2021)

the old uns are the best


----------



## toyboy54 (Feb 6, 2021)

I had a mirrored ceiling put in when I was married.........just so that I could see her taking a sore head!

Tashy -loved the Spurs one(wonder if SWMBO would crack the make-up at that one?)
Jimbo


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Feb 6, 2021)

I've just fostered a dog.


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Feb 6, 2021)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (Feb 6, 2021)




----------



## Tashyboy (Feb 6, 2021)

https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=video&cd=&ved=2ahUKEwiOlO6eiNbuAhXLTcAKHdLDAxYQuAIwB3oECAYQBQ&url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Clcfy025V8&usg=AOvVaw0amwfkAwQ1A9E4q4E5mSnS

first beer after lockdown.


----------



## srixon 1 (Feb 6, 2021)

That reminds me of the weekend job i used to have at the local dairy farm when i was about  15 years old. New born calfs were fed milk from a bucket, but they didn't know how to drink from it. We had to put a couple of fingers in their mouth so that they would suck and then put their nose into the bucket of milk. It took a couple of days of doing this until they got the hang of it and  they could then drink from the bucket without any help.


----------



## Tashyboy (Feb 6, 2021)

srixon 1 said:



			That reminds me of the weekend job i used to have at the local dairy farm when i was about  15 years old. New born calfs were fed milk from a bucket, but they didn't know how to drink from it. We had to put a couple of fingers in their mouth so that they would suck and then put their nose into the bucket of milk. It took a couple of days of doing this until they got the hang of it and  they could then drink from the bucket without any help.
		
Click to expand...

I saw that video a month ago and have farted about try to download it for an age, it looks far better on Facebook. But when I was looking for it, some of the videos of calves look like they are trying to drown themselves in buckets of milk 😳


----------



## srixon 1 (Feb 6, 2021)

Tashyboy said:



			I saw that video a month ago and have farted about try to download it for an age, it looks far better on Facebook. But when I was looking for it, some of the videos of calves look like they are trying to drown themselves in buckets of milk 😳
		
Click to expand...

it is a funny clip.  A bit similar to when you first give a toddler a normal drinking utensil instead of the tommy tipee and they tip it all over themselves.


----------



## Slime (Feb 6, 2021)

Just for you, Tashy.


----------



## Slime (Feb 6, 2021)




----------



## Tashyboy (Feb 6, 2021)

Slime said:



			Just for you, Tashy. 







Click to expand...

that’s the one. Can imagine a pub full of folk doing that 😂


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Feb 7, 2021)




----------



## Imurg (Feb 7, 2021)

PhilTheFragger said:



View attachment 34926

Click to expand...

Take my money...


----------



## rulefan (Feb 7, 2021)




----------



## Norrin Radd (Feb 7, 2021)

Liverpool FC. I love topical jokes


----------



## Tashyboy (Feb 7, 2021)

Low but I know


----------



## SatchFan (Feb 8, 2021)




----------



## rulefan (Feb 8, 2021)

Norrin Radd said:



			Liverpool FC. I love topical jokes
		
Click to expand...

I can't remember seeing so many gutted Scousers since the invention of locking wheel nuts


----------



## Slime (Feb 8, 2021)

Serena Williams' tennis outfit at the Australian Open.


----------



## AmandaJR (Feb 8, 2021)

Slime said:



			Serena Williams' tennis outfit at the Australian Open.
		
Click to expand...

Not seen it but she usually looks like a dogs dinner and usually her own "creations"!


----------



## Orikoru (Feb 8, 2021)

Slime said:



			Serena Williams' tennis outfit at the Australian Open.
		
Click to expand...

I just Googled this and it appears to have one leg missing. Bit strange. Surely that would be uncomfortable? Perhaps inspired by those nights you can't get comfortable so you have one leg under the duvet and one outside?


----------



## Dando (Feb 8, 2021)

Slime said:



			Serena Williams' tennis outfit at the Australian Open.
		
Click to expand...

Stevie Wonder designed it for her


----------



## spongebob59 (Feb 8, 2021)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Feb 8, 2021)

Dando said:



			Stevie Wonder designed it for her
		
Click to expand...

Stevie Wonder got given a cheese grater for Xmas. He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.


----------



## ColchesterFC (Feb 8, 2021)

I'm reading a thriller book in braille. Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.


----------



## USER1999 (Feb 8, 2021)

Slime said:



			Serena Williams' tennis outfit at the Australian Open.
		
Click to expand...

The day she retires from tennis, I will be a happy bunny.


----------



## SocketRocket (Feb 8, 2021)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Feb 9, 2021)

murphthemog said:



			The day she retires from tennis, I will be a happy bunny.
		
Click to expand...

You....Happy.....
Pahahahahaha
Oh my sides 😂

That’s the funniest thing on here ever , 
Thank you for making me 😊 



Shall I stop now? 😎


----------



## Slime (Feb 9, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Feb 9, 2021)

spongebob59 said:



View attachment 34943

Click to expand...

  I have heard she is hoping Adam Hills will invite her on to his programme.


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Feb 9, 2021)

jim8flog said:



			I have heard she is hoping Adam Hills will invite her on to his programme.
		
Click to expand...


Is that the show where there is so much alcohol in the green room, someone always ends up legless?


----------



## rulefan (Feb 10, 2021)




----------



## patricks148 (Feb 10, 2021)

i have a little laugh to myself every time i go to nairn for a game the last couple of months.... theres a little group of ladies in swimming costumes going in the moray firth for a dip on a daily basis.....


----------



## NearHull (Feb 10, 2021)

Collected my 7 yr old grandson yesterday ( in the care bubble).  On seeing our snow covered lawn he said “Grandad, it’s pitch white!”  It’s good to see him growing up but it’s also great to hear such innocent misunderstandings.


----------



## Rooter (Feb 10, 2021)

patricks148 said:



			i have a little laugh to myself every time i go to nairn for a game the last couple of months.... theres a little group of ladies in swimming costumes going in the moray firth for a dip on a daily basis..... 

Click to expand...

Nutters, I know a few lake swimmers down here that still do it, often break the ice to get in for a few minutes. Madness!! And it seems to be way more popular with women than men?!


----------



## cliveb (Feb 10, 2021)

Rooter said:



			Nutters, I know a few lake swimmers down here that still do it, often break the ice to get in for a few minutes. Madness!! *And it seems to be way more popular with women than men?*!
		
Click to expand...

Could it be that getting very cold in a swimsuit enhances a lady's appearance, but diminishes a man's?


----------



## Lord Tyrion (Feb 10, 2021)

Rooter said:



			Nutters, I know a few lake swimmers down here that still do it, often break the ice to get in for a few minutes. Madness!! And it seems to be way more popular with women than men?!
		
Click to expand...

Some other slightly odd observations on that front.

If they have a charity skinny dip the number of women far exceeds the number of men (pre-covid they happen quite often on the coast up here)
I see far more women jogging than men
If it is the local athletics club, I see far more men than women
Male cyclists far exceed women cyclists on the roads

Not sure why the above is the case but there you go.


----------



## toyboy54 (Feb 10, 2021)

cliveb said:



			Could it be that getting very cold in a swimsuit enhances a lady's appearance, but diminishes a man's?
		
Click to expand...

Sorry to go slightly off subject but this is so true....BUT Kaz and Amanda may find it amusing and real?
Jimbo


----------



## rosecott (Feb 10, 2021)

Rooter said:



			Nutters, I know a few lake swimmers down here that still do it, often break the ice to get in for a few minutes. Madness!! And it seems to be way more popular with women than men?!
		
Click to expand...

Alice Goodridge using a sledgehammer to break up the ice at Loch Insh in the Scottish Highlands before her morning swim. Photo by Euan Cherry, February 2019.


----------



## banjofred (Feb 10, 2021)

A good cold dip makes you feel good....I tend to agree with the nutters on this one.


----------



## AmandaJR (Feb 10, 2021)

My friend is really into open water swimming - never in a wetsuit! I'm not so well covered in insulation (that's as polite as I can put it) so not for me unless clad in protective suit! I did once look into swimming the channel but not enough body fat and wasn't going to get fat just to try it!

On that note - turns out I don't have enough body weight to extend the fire service's 13.5m ladder. Just too light to move it sufficiently and no obvious way around it - dangling off it like or fish and/or climbing it seemingly doesn't work!! Watch Commanders tried to get the rules bent a little as I was excelling at everything else and they said they were impressed with my efforts and surpassed all their expectations and performances of much younger and bigger fellas...but rules is rules and, for now anyhow, I'm out of training to be an on-call firefighter. Said ladder is being phased out and seldom used ("5 times in 20 years active service") which is a little frustrating but it is what it is. I've come to terms with the disappointment and think it's the end of the dream for me but something else will turn up I'm sure


----------



## AmandaJR (Feb 10, 2021)

cliveb said:



			Could it be that getting very cold in a swimsuit enhances a lady's appearance, but diminishes a man's?
		
Click to expand...

I don't look great when a shade of blue and covered in goosebumps ;-)


----------



## NearHull (Feb 10, 2021)

AmandaJR said:



			My friend is really into open water swimming - never in a wetsuit! I'm not so well covered in insulation (that's as polite as I can put it) so not for me unless clad in protective suit! I did once look into swimming the channel but not enough body fat and wasn't going to get fat just to try it!

On that note - turns out I don't have enough body weight to extend the fire service's 13.5m ladder. Just too light to move it sufficiently and no obvious way around it - dangling off it like or fish and/or climbing it seemingly doesn't work!! Watch Commanders tried to get the rules bent a little as I was excelling at everything else and they said they were impressed with my efforts and surpassed all their expectations and performances of much younger and bigger fellas...but rules is rules and, for now anyhow, I'm out of training to be an on-call firefighter. Said ladder is being phased out and seldom used ("5 times in 20 years active service") which is a little frustrating but it is what it is. I've come to terms with the disappointment and think it's the end of the dream for me but something else will turn up I'm sure 

Click to expand...

Having worked in a very regulated industry, I get that rules are there for a purpose, but we always had some degree of latitude in deviating from them when that judgement is taken by an appropriate authority.  Is there any route to an appeal?


----------



## patricks148 (Feb 10, 2021)

Rooter said:



			Nutters, I know a few lake swimmers down here that still do it, often break the ice to get in for a few minutes. Madness!! And it seems to be way more popular with women than men?!
		
Click to expand...

there is a small group of men who go out as well, further up opp the hotel, but they all have wetsuits and carry floats and actually swim a few hundred yards, the ladies just go in splash about and are out again. i shudder to think what its like getting in there this time of year, been in in the height of Summer, almost gave me a heart attack it was so cold


----------



## toyboy54 (Feb 10, 2021)

Again off subject(sorry folks),real sorry to hear about you and the Fire &Rescue Service Amanda-especially as you had put so much time,work and effort in to getting there!
Your attitude was have been amazing in there!
On a lighter note...what about going lady pro(golfer,that is)
Jimbo


----------



## AmandaJR (Feb 10, 2021)

NearHull said:



			Having worked in a very regulated industry, I get that rules are there for a purpose, but we always had some degree of latitude in deviating from them when that judgement is taken by an appropriate authority.  Is there any route to an appeal?
		
Click to expand...

Not currently but I sense they are keen for me to retry and that the phasing out might be sooner rather than later. My station doesn't even have a 13.5m ladder BUT if I was at a job and put on one then it could be a problem. The ladder takes 4 to pitch and the main extend is done in two's BUT if it needs further extension after that then it's number two on the crew who does it. My fellow recruits were pushing for a reason why I couldn't be placed at 1, 3 or 4 on the crew as you'd never use me if you had a choice BUT what happens if 4 firefighters of my stature find themselves  as a crew...unlikely but too risky I suppose given the nature of the job.


----------



## AmandaJR (Feb 10, 2021)

toyboy54 said:



			Again off subject(sorry folks),real sorry to hear about you and the Fire &Rescue Service Amanda-especially as you had put so much time,work and effort in to getting there!
Your attitude was have been amazing in there!
On a lighter note...what about going lady pro(golfer,that is)
Jimbo
		
Click to expand...

Thanks Jimbo. You're not the first to suggest that route as I tend to "coach" those I play with when I spot something (and they're keen to hear options) but can't be doing with working in a pro shop for peanuts for hours on end! 

I have applied to be a volunteer mentor with the SSAFA so really, really hope that comes off as it's such a worthwhile charity. There are also voluntary roles in the Fire Service which they think I'd be a good fit for but currently everything on hold due to Covid.


----------



## Imurg (Feb 10, 2021)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1359277343605280770


----------



## clubchamp98 (Feb 10, 2021)

AmandaJR said:



			My friend is really into open water swimming - never in a wetsuit! I'm not so well covered in insulation (that's as polite as I can put it) so not for me unless clad in protective suit! I did once look into swimming the channel but not enough body fat and wasn't going to get fat just to try it!

On that note - turns out I don't have enough body weight to extend the fire service's 13.5m ladder. Just too light to move it sufficiently and no obvious way around it - dangling off it like or fish and/or climbing it seemingly doesn't work!! Watch Commanders tried to get the rules bent a little as I was excelling at everything else and they said they were impressed with my efforts and surpassed all their expectations and performances of much younger and bigger fellas...but rules is rules and, for now anyhow, I'm out of training to be an on-call firefighter. Said ladder is being phased out and seldom used ("5 times in 20 years active service") which is a little frustrating but it is what it is. I've come to terms with the disappointment and think it's the end of the dream for me but something else will turn up I'm sure 

Click to expand...

That’s a pretty big ladder .
I would have thought H&S would have banned them by now for manual handling.
Bending the rules just causes problems down the line so it’s understandable.
Very sorry to hear this .


----------



## AmandaJR (Feb 10, 2021)

clubchamp98 said:



			That’s a pretty big ladder .
I would have thought H&S would have banned them by now for manual handling.
Bending the rules just causes problems down the line so it’s understandable.
Very sorry to hear this .
		
Click to expand...

Agreed and to be honest the dangers of it were rammed down our throats so we were all very nervous when we started to handle it. On one occasion a numpty took his foot off the jack beam and somehow Reggie and I managed to slam the head into the drill tower before it became really serious! I think they use a turntable type ladder from the roof off the pump most times they need to get that high. It also highlights the point of entry tests aren't great as the one I failed twice was meant to replicate lifting the 13.5m onto the appliance but that was a breeze. The ladder hoist test was a breeze from day 1 yet in reality not even close to hoisting the real thing. Watch Commander is hoping my experience will add weight to his battle to have them altered to reflect more that actual physical task.

I'm still pretty gutted but that's more because it was a goal for more than a year and kept me focussed on something I really wanted to do. Right now I'm just floundering a bit without a purpose and lockdown not the best time to find a new one.


----------



## clubchamp98 (Feb 10, 2021)

rosecott said:



			Alice Goodridge using a sledgehammer to break up the ice at Loch Insh in the Scottish Highlands before her morning swim. Photo by Euan Cherry, February 2019.






Click to expand...

Why is she wearing a woolly hat?


----------



## clubchamp98 (Feb 10, 2021)

AmandaJR said:



			Agreed and to be honest the dangers of it were rammed down our throats so we were all very nervous when we started to handle it. On one occasion a numpty took his foot off the jack beam and somehow Reggie and I managed to slam the head into the drill tower before it became really serious! I think they use a turntable type ladder from the roof off the pump most times they need to get that high. It also highlights the point of entry tests aren't great as the one I failed twice was meant to replicate lifting the 13.5m onto the appliance but that was a breeze. The ladder hoist test was a breeze from day 1 yet in reality not even close to hoisting the real thing. Watch Commander is hoping my experience will add weight to his battle to have them altered to reflect more that actual physical task.

I'm still pretty gutted but that's more because it was a goal for more than a year and kept me focussed on something I really wanted to do. Right now I'm just floundering a bit without a purpose and lockdown not the best time to find a new one.
		
Click to expand...

That just sounds like poor planning !
Why let someone get so far down the line and then find they can’t do something out of their control because of a physical thing.
That’s very poor imo.
It’s expensive training and very disappointing for the firefighter.
Hope you sort yourself something.
Motivated people aren’t unemployed for long so think you will be ok.
Good luck.


----------



## Mudball (Feb 10, 2021)

clubchamp98 said:



			Why is she wearing a woolly hat?
		
Click to expand...

Same reason as i wear coloured socks to golf....  gets the old guard all wound up


----------



## AmandaJR (Feb 10, 2021)

clubchamp98 said:



			That just sounds like poor planning !
Why let someone get so far down the line and then find they can’t do something out of their control because of a physical thing.
That’s very poor imo.
It’s expensive training and very disappointing for the firefighter.
Hope you sort yourself something.
Motivated people aren’t unemployed for long so think you will be ok.
Good luck.
		
Click to expand...

Agreed and the instructors feel the same way as there was nothing they could do to solve the problem short of putting lead weights in my boots. I did feel I'd wasted their time too but they were vociferous in their denial of that and actually felt I'd helped the other recruits as I worked so hard despite my physical disadvantage so they realised they had to suck it up and stop whining! They did also say the squad lost their matriarch - which I think I'll take as a compliment!


----------



## Slime (Feb 10, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Feb 10, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Feb 10, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Feb 10, 2021)

My mate went to see a psychic who told him he'd be coming into money and last night he had sex a woman called Penny. 





How spooky is that?


----------



## rulefan (Feb 10, 2021)

Three guys, a teenager, his father and his grandfather go out to play a round of golf. Just before the son is ready to tee off, this fine looking woman walks up carrying her clubs. She says her partner didn't show and asks if she can join them. The guys say sure, since she is quite a beautiful woman. The lady turns to the three of them and says, "I don't care what the three of you do, cuss, smoke, chew, spit, fart or whatever. Just don't try to coach me on my game". The guys say okay and ask if she would like to tee off first. All eyes are on her ass as her skirt rides up when she bends over to place the ball. She then proceeds to knock the hell out of the ball right up the middle. She just starts pounding these guys, paring every hole. They get to the 18th and she has a 12-foot putt for par. She turns around and says, "You guys have done a great job at not trying to coach me on my game. I've never shot par before, and I'm going to ask your opinions on this putt. Now if any of your opinions help me make the putt, I will spend with with that guy the whole night and do for him whatever he wants." The guys think, 'what a deal!' The kid walks over, eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole. The ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and go in the cup." The father walks up and says, "Don't listen to the youngster, aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left 2 feet from the hole and fall into the cup." The grandpa looks at both of them in disgust, walks over picking up the ball, drops it into the cup and says "That's a Gimme."


----------



## drdel (Feb 10, 2021)

rulefan said:



			Three guys, a teenager, his father and his grandfather go out to play a round of golf. Just before the son is ready to tee off, this fine looking woman walks up carrying her clubs. She says her partner didn't show and asks if she can join them. The guys say sure, since she is quite a beautiful woman. The lady turns to the three of them and says, "I don't care what the three of you do, cuss, smoke, chew, spit, fart or whatever. Just don't try to coach me on my game". The guys say okay and ask if she would like to tee off first. All eyes are on her ass as her skirt rides up when she bends over to place the ball. She then proceeds to knock the hell out of the ball right up the middle. She just starts pounding these guys, paring every hole. They get to the 18th and she has a 12-foot putt for par. She turns around and says, "You guys have done a great job at not trying to coach me on my game. I've never shot par before, and I'm going to ask your opinions on this putt. Now if any of your opinions help me make the putt, I will spend with with that guy the whole night and do for him whatever he wants." The guys think, 'what a deal!' The kid walks over, eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole. The ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and go in the cup." The father walks up and says, "Don't listen to the youngster, aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left 2 feet from the hole and fall into the cup." The grandpa looks at both of them in disgust, walks over picking up the ball, drops it into the cup and says "That's a Gimme."
		
Click to expand...

Flag pole in or out?


----------



## Slime (Feb 10, 2021)

I've put all my dogging gear up for sale on e Bay.





I haven't had any bids yet ........................................................... but there's 14 people watching!


----------



## ColchesterFC (Feb 11, 2021)

Just made myself a set of binoculars out of a couple of old fish finger boxes. They're brilliant. I get a Birdseye view of everything.


----------



## Slime (Feb 11, 2021)

Yesterday I had to put air in my tyres. 
It cost £1 to use the machine and I can clearly remember when it was 10p just a short while back.




That's inflation for ya!


----------



## ColchesterFC (Feb 11, 2021)

I went to the supermarket today and met Arnold Schwarzenegger. I said, "I bet I can guess your favourite Christian holiday". He said, "It has to be Easter baby".


----------



## Mudball (Feb 12, 2021)

Why Brexit is good for Engalnd.... (delete if deemed political)


----------



## Dando (Feb 12, 2021)

I’ve just got my first role in a porn movie.
I play the husband leaving for work just as the plumber arrives


----------



## rulefan (Feb 12, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Feb 12, 2021)

I gave away a flat battery today.......




Free of charge!


----------



## rulefan (Feb 12, 2021)




----------



## rulefan (Feb 13, 2021)

Sorry. A bit late with this


----------



## Doon frae Troon (Feb 13, 2021)

rulefan said:



			Sorry. A bit late with this

View attachment 35000

Click to expand...

Lunar and Chinese new year as well..........ooooooooh getting spooky.


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Feb 13, 2021)

Saw this and thought that Italy were beating England, 

Then I realised it was the kick off time

Doh 🙄


----------



## srixon 1 (Feb 14, 2021)

One for the ex military. They will understand. 

London City airport was been closed all day yesterday following the discovery of a WW2 bomb.
I have been asked why a bomb in London would be defused by a Royal Navy Bomb Disposal Team rather than army?
For the benefit of my civilian friends, all 3 services have a Bomb Disposal capability.
Who deals with the device depends on where the bomb is found. The Royal Navy deal with anything below the high water mark, the Army deal with anything above the high water mark and the RAF deal with bath bombs and fizzy pop unless there is a danger of spiders when they call in a service with more seniority... such as the Boy Scouts.


----------



## NearHull (Feb 14, 2021)

srixon 1 said:



			One for the ex military. They will understand.

London City airport was been closed all day yesterday following the discovery of a WW2 bomb.
I have been asked why a bomb in London would be defused by a Royal Navy Bomb Disposal Team rather than army?
For the benefit of my civilian friends, all 3 services have a Bomb Disposal capability.
Who deals with the device depends on where the bomb is found. The Royal Navy deal with anything below the high water mark, the Army deal with anything above the high water mark and the RAF deal with bath bombs and fizzy pop unless there is a danger of spiders when they call in a service with more seniority... such as the Boy Scouts.
		
Click to expand...

Dig in, check in?


----------



## Tashyboy (Feb 14, 2021)

Must of been took between lockdown


----------



## bobmac (Feb 14, 2021)

The guys in the Navy check out the rivers, the Army guys check out the fields and those of us in the RAF check out the room service


----------



## Imurg (Feb 14, 2021)

Forgotten to get a Valentine's card?
Help is at hand


----------



## rulefan (Feb 14, 2021)




----------



## SteveW86 (Feb 14, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Feb 14, 2021)

"Why have you come to see me then?" says the Speech Therapist to his latest patient.

"I have trouble saying my "T-h" and "F" sounds" replied the patient.​


"Well you can't say fairer than that then!"                     
​


----------



## Slime (Feb 14, 2021)

Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.



Poor bastard.


----------



## Slime (Feb 14, 2021)

I heard a rather nice story about a man who drank a lot and his wife said "If you ever come home drunk again, I'm going to leave you". 
He went out to a pub and drank a lot and was sick all over his shirt
He said to his friend "If I go home like this my wife will leave me". 
His friend said "I tell you what, put a twenty-pound note in your inside jacket pocket, go home and show it to her and tell her somebody threw-up over you and he gave you the money for the dry-cleaning bill.".

He goes home and his wife's angry at the state of him and tells him she is leaving, but he says 
"No, no, no, somebody was sick on me and he put a twenty-pound note in my jacket pocket for the dry-cleaning bill". 
His wife digs into his jacket pocket and pulls out some money, she said "Why have you got two twenty-pound notes in there?", 



He said "Oh, the other is from the man who crapped in my pants!"


----------



## Slime (Feb 14, 2021)

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?





A man will actually search for a golf ball.


----------



## Slime (Feb 14, 2021)

A man went in to a zoo and they only had one animal .......... a dog.



It was a shih tzu.


----------



## fundy (Feb 14, 2021)

PhilTheFragger said:



View attachment 35001


Saw this and thought that Italy were beating England,

Then I realised it was the kick off time

Doh 🙄
		
Click to expand...


that explains a fair bit


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Feb 15, 2021)

Slime said:



			Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor bastard.
		
Click to expand...

That's nothing.  A friend of mine called Will joined the army.   Everyone kept firing at him.


----------



## backwoodsman (Feb 15, 2021)

Did you know, there's mixed reaction to cartoons in the Middle East. For example, the people of Bahrain don't like the Flintstones. But the people of Abu Dhabi do.


----------



## jim8flog (Feb 15, 2021)

Your Vaccination Hotel Quarantine team are ready  to welcome you


----------



## drdel (Feb 15, 2021)

Slime said:



			Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.



Poor bastard.
		
Click to expand...

And over 15m in the UK ìn the last few weeks...


----------



## Slime (Feb 15, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Feb 15, 2021)

Two goldfish are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says, 






“Do you know how to drive this thing?!”


----------



## Slime (Feb 15, 2021)

Two budgies are on a perch.



One says "Can you smell fish?"


----------



## ColchesterFC (Feb 15, 2021)

In Jamaica a slice of apple pie costs £2-00.
In Barbados a slice of apple pie costs £2-25.
In St Lucia a slice of apple pie costs £1-95.
In Granada a slice of apple pie costs £2-15.
In Trinidad a slice of apple pie costs £2-50.

These are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.


----------



## Lord Tyrion (Feb 16, 2021)

This came up on my FB feed today


----------



## SocketRocket (Feb 16, 2021)




----------



## williamalex1 (Feb 16, 2021)

I hope they're available in larger sizes lol, who's hiding now


----------



## williamalex1 (Feb 16, 2021)

Seemingly the lost Voice Guy is looking for a new voice, can I nominate Tashyboy


----------



## Rlburnside (Feb 16, 2021)

jim8flog said:



			Your Vaccination Hotel Quarantine team are ready  to welcome you



View attachment 35029

Click to expand...

This is probably going to be a stupid question but who is the bloke on the left?


----------



## Smiffy (Feb 17, 2021)




----------



## backwoodsman (Feb 17, 2021)

Smiffy said:



View attachment 35077

Click to expand...

 This supposed to be a "Laughter" thread, not a "What I do in my spare time" thread.  Nice selfie tho' Smiffy.


----------



## GreiginFife (Feb 17, 2021)

Shrove Tuesday yesterday and I got home really late. 

I didn't want to wake anyone, so I slipped a couple of those thin French pancakes on my feet...

And creped up the stairs.

I will definitely get ma coat!


----------



## Imurg (Feb 17, 2021)

Shamelessly stolen but..
I'm going to take something up for Lent...it's been that kind of year.?


----------



## SocketRocket (Feb 17, 2021)




----------



## Smiffy (Feb 17, 2021)

Missus asked me to bring something home from the shops for the pancakes last night.
She went berzerk when I came home with a new bra for her... 
😳😳😳


----------



## need_my_wedge (Feb 17, 2021)




----------



## Old Skier (Feb 17, 2021)




----------



## rulefan (Feb 17, 2021)

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk together into a blood donation centre. The nurse asks them what blood group they are. 
The rabbit says I’m probably a type O.


----------



## rulefan (Feb 17, 2021)

The phrase “Who goes there?” has been around for sentries.


----------



## backwoodsman (Feb 17, 2021)

rulefan said:



			A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk together into a blood donation centre. The nurse asks them what blood group they are.
The rabbit says I’m probably a type O.
		
Click to expand...

Do you not remember the joke that set this whole thread going


----------



## sunshine (Feb 17, 2021)

rulefan said:



			A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk together into a blood donation centre. The nurse asks them what blood group they are.
The rabbit says I’m probably a type O.
		
Click to expand...

 And you still got it wrong


----------



## rulefan (Feb 17, 2021)

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.  
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing
out a spouse was £10,000.
The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his purse displaying the single £1 coin that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept it as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco Supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. 
As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises. 
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

>


>


----------



## Slime (Feb 17, 2021)




----------



## SatchFan (Feb 17, 2021)




----------



## rulefan (Feb 17, 2021)

rulefan said:



			Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

>


>
		
Click to expand...

"ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1 @ TESCO"


----------



## rulefan (Feb 18, 2021)




----------



## rulefan (Feb 18, 2021)




----------



## Pants (Feb 18, 2021)

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."


----------



## Pants (Feb 18, 2021)

A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by one of the new doctors. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"


----------



## Slime (Feb 18, 2021)

Micky Mouse was in his LA Lawyers office.

The Lawyer said "Micky, you cant divorce Minnie because she has got buck teeth!"

"Thats not what I said!" replied Micky.​

"I said I wanted to divorce Minnie 'cos she is ####ing Goofy!"​

​


----------



## Slime (Feb 18, 2021)

My next door neighbour knocked my door last night, wearing stockings and suspenders, asking to borrow a cup of sugar and if I wanted to come over for a night cap. 

I said "Sod off Phil, I've got work in the morning". .


----------



## Mudball (Feb 18, 2021)




----------



## Smiffy (Feb 20, 2021)




----------



## Blue in Munich (Feb 20, 2021)

Slime said:



			I heard a rather nice story about a man who drank a lot and his wife said "If you ever come home drunk again, I'm going to leave you".
He went out to a pub and drank a lot and was sick all over his shirt
He said to his friend "If I go home like this my wife will leave me".
His friend said "I tell you what, put a twenty-pound note in your inside jacket pocket, go home and show it to her and tell her somebody threw-up over you and he gave you the money for the dry-cleaning bill.".

He goes home and his wife's angry at the state of him and tells him she is leaving, but he says
"No, no, no, somebody was sick on me and he put a twenty-pound note in my jacket pocket for the dry-cleaning bill".
His wife digs into his jacket pocket and pulls out some money, she said "Why have you got two twenty-pound notes in there?",



He said "Oh, the other is from the man who crapped in my pants!"
		
Click to expand...


If this is to be told, then it should be done properly;


----------



## rulefan (Feb 20, 2021)

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

    An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."

    "But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

    "You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

    "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
    "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?


----------



## sunshine (Feb 20, 2021)

Smiffy said:



View attachment 35131

Click to expand...

This isn’t even a joke, it’s just truth


----------



## Old Skier (Feb 20, 2021)




----------



## Pants (Feb 20, 2021)




----------



## Pants (Feb 20, 2021)

*THE PLAN*

In the beginning, there was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form,
And the Plan was without substance.

And darkness was upon the face of the Workers
And they spoke among themselves saying, "It's a crock of
sh*t, and it stinks."

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said,  "It
is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying,  "It is
a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that
none may abide by it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors saying, "It is a
vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."

And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one
another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it
is very strong."

And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents saying unto
them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went to the President saying unto
him, "This new plan will actively promote growth, and vigour
of the company with very powerful effects."

And the President looked upon the Plan, and said that it
was good,

And the Plan became Policy.



And this is how sh*t happens


----------



## Slime (Feb 20, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Feb 20, 2021)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (Feb 20, 2021)

The Martians have been checking out the NASA lander.


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Feb 20, 2021)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (Feb 20, 2021)




----------



## bobmac (Feb 21, 2021)




----------



## Neilds (Feb 21, 2021)

Guy playing golf with his wife and she’s stood on the ladies tee while he hits off. He blocks a low drive and hits her square on the back of the head, killing her instantly. 
A week later he’s called into the coroner’s office who says “ well upon examination I found a perfect imprint of a Titleist pro v1 on the back of your wife’s head and as we suspected that was indeed the cause of death. But the reason I called you in is that during the autopsy I also found a Srixon Z Star inserted in her bottom?”
“Aaah” says the husband “ that’ll be my provisional. I wondered where that went!”


----------



## Old Skier (Feb 21, 2021)




----------



## Crow (Feb 21, 2021)

Old Skier said:



View attachment 35167

Click to expand...


More than just cameras, you wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of those three!


----------



## Slime (Feb 21, 2021)

I was once involved in a car accident with the other car being driven by a dwarf.
He got out of his car, angrily shaking his fist and yelled, "I'm NOT happy!"



"Well," I replied, "which one are you?"


----------



## Slime (Feb 21, 2021)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (Feb 21, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Feb 21, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Feb 21, 2021)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Feb 22, 2021)

I wasn't convinced my new orthopaedic shoes would do the trick.


Well, I have to say I stand corrected...


----------



## SteveW86 (Feb 22, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Feb 23, 2021)




----------



## GreiginFife (Feb 23, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 35234

Click to expand...

Speaking as a Scotsman I think that's bang out of order and a complete falsehood. 

She'd already been treated enough...


----------



## Slime (Feb 23, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Feb 23, 2021)




----------



## Pants (Feb 23, 2021)

Reminds me a bit of Smiffy's avatar lol


----------



## Mudball (Feb 24, 2021)

Going with the music theme,.


----------



## Old Skier (Feb 25, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Feb 25, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Feb 25, 2021)

Just been stopped in the street today by a Lady conducting a survey.
She asked me what I knew about dwarfs.





I said ''Very Little''


----------



## Slime (Feb 25, 2021)




----------



## rulefan (Feb 25, 2021)

x


----------



## rulefan (Feb 25, 2021)

Next week is Diarrhoea Awareness week. 
Runs from Monday to Friday.


----------



## SatchFan (Feb 25, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Feb 25, 2021)

A recent study shows that woman with large breasts are more intelligent than woman with small breasts.




To be fair, the man conducting the study admits that he wasn’t really listening.


----------



## toyboy54 (Feb 25, 2021)

GreiginFife said:



			Speaking as a Scotsman I think that's bang out of order and a complete falsehood.

She'd already been treated enough...
		
Click to expand...

Very well put Greig-restrained,polite and reasoned....BUT SO TRUE!
Happy Jimbo


----------



## bobmac (Feb 26, 2021)




----------



## JollyRedDevil (Feb 26, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Feb 26, 2021)




----------



## rulefan (Feb 26, 2021)

A friend of mine worked at Ronseal. He died when he fell into tank of yacht varnish...he had a horrible end - but a lovely finish.


----------



## rulefan (Feb 26, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Feb 26, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Feb 26, 2021)

A woman brings 8 year old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her 8 year old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother,​

"He's taken her bloody appendix out!"                     
​


----------



## SatchFan (Feb 27, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Feb 27, 2021)

I've got a step ladder, 



I never knew my real ladder.


----------



## Slime (Feb 27, 2021)




----------



## Smiffy (Feb 27, 2021)




----------



## Boomy (Feb 27, 2021)

rulefan said:



View attachment 35311

Click to expand...

Brilliant 😂😂😂


----------



## yandabrown (Feb 27, 2021)




----------



## Pants (Feb 27, 2021)

Right. After serious consideration I am going to give the vegan lifestyle a go. Have been thinking about it for some time and feel it’s something I should at least try. I’m going to try not to drink alcohol either. A three-day trial…  



Trial period is 29, 30 and 31 February.


----------



## toyboy54 (Feb 27, 2021)

Smiffy said:



View attachment 35324

Click to expand...

Smiffy....The Vaccine....WHERE,,,(PLEASE??)
Jimbo


----------



## Slime (Feb 27, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Feb 27, 2021)

If you ever see me running, run like hell too ................................ because I’m far too lazy to be running without a damn good reason.


----------



## rudebhoy (Feb 28, 2021)




----------



## rosecott (Feb 28, 2021)

We're still battling COVID-19, and the next thing is here already
The NILE Virus, type C
Virologists have identified a new Nile virus - type C.
It appears to target those who were born between 1940 & 1970

   Symptoms:
1.  Causes you to send the same message twice.
2.  Causes you to send a blank message
3. Causes you to send a message to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6.  Causes you to hit SEND before you've finished.
7.  Causes you to hit DELETE instead of SEND.
8. Causes you to SEND when you should DELETE.

It is called the  C-NILE  virus
And if you can’t admit to doing the above, you’ve obviously caught the mutated strain —
The  D-NILE  virus.


----------



## Slime (Feb 28, 2021)

I decided to wax the car today.



It didn't take long because it’s not very hairy.


----------



## Dando (Feb 28, 2021)

I saw Diana Ross trying to push in at the queue at Tesco today and I said to her: "You can’t hurry love, you just have to wait"


----------



## Slime (Feb 28, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Feb 28, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Feb 28, 2021)




----------



## Imurg (Mar 1, 2021)




----------



## bobmac (Mar 1, 2021)

What has 4 legs and no sense of humour?
Ant and Dec


----------



## Dando (Mar 2, 2021)

Over the years the inventor of the polo has made a mint


----------



## Lilyhawk (Mar 2, 2021)

Dando said:



			Over the years the inventor of the polo has made a mint
		
Click to expand...

That's so bad it calls for an infraction.


----------



## Slime (Mar 2, 2021)

I've thrown out my Lidl own brand tea bags and bought a box of Earl Grey.



I've decided to climb the proper tea ladder.


----------



## Dando (Mar 2, 2021)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Mar 2, 2021)




----------



## ADB (Mar 2, 2021)




----------



## yandabrown (Mar 3, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Mar 3, 2021)

My toilet wouldn’t flush as there was a wooden shoe stick in the u bend

It was clogged


----------



## jim8flog (Mar 4, 2021)

Lilyhawk said:



			That's so bad it calls for an infraction.
		
Click to expand...

 you will have him treboring in his shoes.


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Mar 4, 2021)

The baseball podcast I listen to has an advert for something called "Manscape" -  "Precision tools for your family jewels" -  everything you need for the below the belt shaving experience.
How the hell the guy reading the advert kept a straight face I will never know.  It cracked me up.


----------



## Rooter (Mar 4, 2021)

Pathetic Shark said:



			The baseball podcast I listen to has an advert for something called "Manscape" -  "Precision tools for your family jewels" -  everything you need for the below the belt shaving experience.
How the hell the guy reading the advert kept a straight face I will never know.  *It cracked me up*.
		
Click to expand...

Smooth crack?


----------



## rulefan (Mar 4, 2021)

Devices used to find water


----------



## Dando (Mar 5, 2021)

I went to see the doctor and asked if masturbation affected your eyesight. 

A man said "You're in Halfords mate"


----------



## SocketRocket (Mar 5, 2021)




----------



## Baldy Bouncer (Mar 5, 2021)

Sad news about
Meghan Markles car crash
next month!


----------



## Dellboy (Mar 5, 2021)

Baldy Bouncer said:



			Sad news about
Meghan Markles car crash
next month!

Click to expand...

Might be put back a while, I think he’s still in hospital after his heart op


----------



## ColchesterFC (Mar 6, 2021)

Trying to break up with an optician is hard. Every time I say I can't see her any more she just moves closer and says "How about now?"

(Courtesy of Richard Osman on Twitter)


----------



## Dando (Mar 6, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Mar 6, 2021)

Earlier today I found all the sheep from next doors farm in our field.
Being a good neighbour I took them back and knocked on the farmhouse door and told the farmer I’d took his 40 sheep back.

He said, "But I only have 36 sheep."





I said,  "I know, I rounded them up!"


----------



## Slime (Mar 6, 2021)

My dad always said "The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more"





Great bloke ..................................... terrible anaesthetist!


----------



## Slime (Mar 6, 2021)




----------



## rulefan (Mar 6, 2021)

Someone asked how much I usually spend on a bottle of wine.  

I don't know; half an hour?


----------



## ColchesterFC (Mar 6, 2021)

I've got a couple of racing geese for sale, if anyone wants to have a quick gander.


----------



## Pants (Mar 6, 2021)

Did you know that ...


Two in one people are Siamese.


----------



## Smiffy (Mar 7, 2021)




----------



## rulefan (Mar 7, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Mar 7, 2021)




----------



## bobmac (Mar 7, 2021)

To all those waiting for their first jab, what could possibly go wrong?


----------



## funkycoldmedina (Mar 7, 2021)




----------



## Crazyface (Mar 7, 2021)

I said to Alex this morning "Alex play some Garbage", and she started to play a Phil Collins track.


----------



## CliveW (Mar 7, 2021)

Police Scotland arrested 200 Rangers supporters with flares outside Ibrox. Turns out they were the same flares they wore the last time they won the league!  🤣


----------



## williamalex1 (Mar 7, 2021)

CliveW said:



			Police Scotland arrested 200 Rangers supporters with flares outside Ibrox. Turns out they were the same flares they wore the last time they won the league!  🤣
		
Click to expand...

In a slightly larger size


----------



## Dando (Mar 8, 2021)




----------



## rulefan (Mar 8, 2021)




----------



## Tashyboy (Mar 8, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Mar 8, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Mar 8, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Mar 8, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Mar 8, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Mar 8, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 35483

Click to expand...

Her new chauffeur is Ghislaine Maxwell - kill 2 birds with 1 stone


----------



## Dando (Mar 8, 2021)




----------



## 3offTheTee (Mar 8, 2021)

Listening to the lady on Good Morning Britain today @7.25. Crucified Piers Morgan. He could not get a word in. Must watch TV; I howled


----------



## Dando (Mar 8, 2021)

In Meghan & Harry’s interview, they claimed that a member of the family raised concerns about what colour their unborn child might be.

It’s 2021, people shouldn’t care if a baby is ginger or not.


----------



## Slime (Mar 8, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Mar 8, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Mar 9, 2021)

I’ve put all my dogging equipment up for sale on eBay.
No bids yet but there’s 15 people watching


----------



## Dando (Mar 9, 2021)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (Mar 9, 2021)

There are some epic Royal Family memes out there this morning - most of which I could not re-post here.  But the one involving the Queen with a paint colour chart caused me to spit my tea all over my desk.


----------



## Dando (Mar 9, 2021)

Pathetic Shark said:



			There are some epic Royal Family memes out there this morning - most of which I could not re-post here.  But the one involving the Queen with a paint colour chart caused me to spit my tea all over my desk.
		
Click to expand...

that made me chuckle as well


----------



## Slime (Mar 9, 2021)

Bert, at 85 years of age, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them.

He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the Mrs.
Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?

Margaret at age 83 looked him over and replied, "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes.

Again, he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.

Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied..

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!"
Without missing a beat Margaret replies, 






"You shoulda bought a new hat."


----------



## Slime (Mar 9, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Mar 9, 2021)




----------



## toyboy54 (Mar 9, 2021)

Keep going Slime..you're cracking me up with most of these(even SWMBO cracks the make-up)
Jimbo


----------



## ADB (Mar 9, 2021)




----------



## Imurg (Mar 9, 2021)

ADB said:



View attachment 35511

Click to expand...

That's where he's been hiding....


----------



## Dando (Mar 9, 2021)

Does anyone know how to cancel an eBay bid...I bid £2 on a cowboy outfit and I’m 2 hours away from owning west ham United


----------



## Dando (Mar 10, 2021)




----------



## SatchFan (Mar 10, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Mar 10, 2021)




----------



## yandabrown (Mar 10, 2021)

*A lawyer on an aeroplane*

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a flight from London To New York. The lawyer decides to pass the time by asking her if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists. He explains how the game works. "I ask you a Question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa". Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer. "If you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5, but if I don't know the answer, I agree to pay you £500".

The blonde figures there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, so she agrees. The lawyer asks, "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?". The blonde reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five pound note, and hands it to the lawyer. Then she asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?".

The lawyer is puzzled. He uses his laptop to search for references. He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Net using all the usual search engines. Frustrated, he sends emails to his coworkers and friends. No luck. After an hour, he finally gives up. Meanwhile, the blonde has gone on to take a nap.

He wakes the blonde and hands her £500. The blonde politely takes the £500 and turns away to get back to her sleep. The lawyer, who is going crazy trying to figure out the answer, addresses the blonde before she can go to sleep, and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?". The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer £5, and goes back to sleep.


----------



## Slime (Mar 10, 2021)

I've certainly had cars that this applies to!!


----------



## Dando (Mar 10, 2021)




----------



## spongebob59 (Mar 10, 2021)

NJ


----------



## backwoodsman (Mar 10, 2021)

Is it me, or are we edging into bad taste with some posts?


----------



## Slime (Mar 10, 2021)

backwoodsman said:



			Is it me, or are we edging into bad taste with some posts?
		
Click to expand...

It's you.


----------



## backwoodsman (Mar 10, 2021)

Fair enough


----------



## Tashyboy (Mar 11, 2021)

As PS says some of the things that get we sent through social media you could not re post. You don’t ask for them but they get sent. I just don’t send them on. I had to tell a pal to stop sending me videos of folk snuffing it. It turned my stomach. He said “ I thought you might like it”. 😳
I think the fine line has become even finer over the years with PC. It made me chuckle when I read the “Ginge and winge” thread. A good description which made me chuckle, but someone somewhere thinks the “Ginge” bit has crossed the line. Ironically the thread was pulled coz one or two crossed the line 😉
For me 99.9% of this thread is just what we need through this lockdown.


----------



## Slime (Mar 11, 2021)

I post one or two bits in this thread.
I never post anything that crosses the line but I'm happy to post stuff that nestles up to said line.
The problem is that peoples' lines are in different places.
If I cross anyone's line, I apologise, but I'm quite happy having my line where it is.


----------



## Tashyboy (Mar 11, 2021)

Slime said:



			I post one or two bits in this thread.
I never post anything that crosses the line but I'm happy to post stuff that nestles up to said line.
The problem is that peoples' lines are in different places.
If I cross anyone's line, I apologise, but I'm quite happy having my line where it is.
		
Click to expand...

I was on about this as well last night wi missis T the general consensus was " know your audience". It's a big audience on here. Carry on Slime. 👍


----------



## Tashyboy (Mar 11, 2021)

Wonder how much crossed the line 😁


----------



## Dando (Mar 11, 2021)

Tashyboy said:



			Wonder how much crossed the line 😁
		
Click to expand...

that includes 2 x3 minute add breaks


----------



## Pants (Mar 11, 2021)

I got a memo at work today saying: "Brilliant! Great stuff! Well done!" It was from our Internal Plaudit Department.


----------



## ColchesterFC (Mar 11, 2021)

No, No
No, No, No, No,
No, No, No, No
No, No, There's.........


----------



## ColchesterFC (Mar 11, 2021)




----------



## toyboy54 (Mar 11, 2021)

Slime said:



			I post one or two bits in this thread.
I never post anything that crosses the line but I'm happy to post stuff that nestles up to said line.
The problem is that peoples' lines are in different places.
If I cross anyone's line, I apologise, but I'm quite happy having my line where it is.
		
Click to expand...

SO AM I--loving it,don't stop!!


----------



## Swinglowandslow (Mar 11, 2021)

backwoodsman said:



			Fair enough
		
Click to expand...

No, you are right 😀


----------



## ColchesterFC (Mar 11, 2021)




----------



## Smiffy (Mar 12, 2021)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Mar 12, 2021)

Slime said:



			I post one or two bits in this thread.
I never post anything that crosses the line but I'm happy to post stuff that nestles up to said line.
The problem is that peoples' lines are in different places.
If I cross anyone's line, I apologise, but I'm quite happy having my line where it is.
		
Click to expand...

The only line that matters here is the GM line 👍

Toe it baby 🥳🥳😎👍


----------



## patricks148 (Mar 12, 2021)

Not to forget lets steer clear of Politics.


----------



## Slime (Mar 12, 2021)

PhilTheFragger said:



			The only line that matters here is the GM line 👍

Toe it baby 🥳🥳😎👍
		
Click to expand...

I'm sure I do, otherwise you'd have come a knocking!


----------



## Slime (Mar 12, 2021)




----------



## Tashyboy (Mar 12, 2021)

PhilTheFragger said:



			The only line that matters here is the GM line 👍

Toe it baby 🥳🥳😎👍
		
Click to expand...

😂😂 now that did make me laugh


----------



## Tashyboy (Mar 12, 2021)

Who makes these up


----------



## Slime (Mar 12, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Mar 12, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Mar 12, 2021)




----------



## Imurg (Mar 12, 2021)




----------



## williamalex1 (Mar 13, 2021)

I liked this


----------



## Slime (Mar 13, 2021)




----------



## rulefan (Mar 13, 2021)

patricks148 said:



			Not to forget lets steer clear of Politics.
		
Click to expand...

And misogyny


----------



## Slime (Mar 13, 2021)

The fear of spiders is arachnophobia.
The fear of tight spaces is claustrophobia.
The fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic.


(He's already been to Mars, that's why there's no signs of life.)


----------



## patricks148 (Mar 14, 2021)

rulefan said:



			And misogyny 

Click to expand...

if you see something that breaks the rules or you think is out of line please report it, we can't read every post


----------



## rulefan (Mar 14, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Mar 14, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Mar 14, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Mar 14, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Mar 15, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Mar 15, 2021)

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye. 




Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.


----------



## spongebob59 (Mar 15, 2021)

The European Medicines Agency (EMA) has been looking at the links of clots to jabs and discovered the EU has all the clots and the UK has all the jabs.


----------



## Slime (Mar 17, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Mar 17, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Mar 17, 2021)




----------



## AmandaJR (Mar 18, 2021)

One for @murphthemog 

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL:
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Call fire brigade to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie the little b**tard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect "mutant cat from hell" and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
1) Wrap it in cheese.


----------



## Imurg (Mar 18, 2021)

AmandaJR said:



			One for @murphthemog

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL:
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Call fire brigade to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie the little b**tard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect "mutant cat from hell" and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
1) Wrap it in cheese.
		
Click to expand...

Mmm..with my feline, don't forget our relationship is officially classed as"Strained", I'd be halfway through step 1 before I would have to retrieve my severed finger and put it on ice before dialing 999 in the vain hope of them reattaching it....Cats are gits


----------



## SwingsitlikeHogan (Mar 18, 2021)

The teenage son of one of my mates had no money to buy a Mother's Day present for his mum.  My mate said he'd give him £10 if he mowed the lawn.  His lad mowed the lawn and got the £10, which he then spent on food that he scoffed himself.  His mum blew her top with him.  She got a reluctant 'sorry' for a Mother's Day present. [True]


----------



## USER1999 (Mar 18, 2021)

The cats and tablets thing is so true.

Or, take it to the vet, and feel like an idiot when a 17 year old trainee veterinary assistant gets it done in 20s, no troubles at all.


----------



## Imurg (Mar 18, 2021)

murphthemog said:



			The cats and tablets thing is so true.

Or, take it to the vet, and feel like an idiot when a 17 year old trainee veterinary assistant gets it done in 20s, no troubles at all.
		
Click to expand...

Seeing as I prefer my fingers attached I'm struggling to see a problem here..


----------



## williamalex1 (Mar 18, 2021)

We had to crush pills up and put it in a cheese ball, for our dog RIP. We'd previously tried all sorts of methods to insert whole pills, but they would just reappear somewhere in the house later.
Just like the regurgitator guy on the TV.


----------



## CliveW (Mar 18, 2021)




----------



## rulefan (Mar 18, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Mar 18, 2021)

Mrs Slime has a small penis!!  

I never knew that.


----------



## bobmac (Mar 19, 2021)

Slime said:



			Mrs Slime has a small penis!!  

I never knew that.
		
Click to expand...

I did, Smiffy told me


----------



## drdel (Mar 19, 2021)

Slime said:



			Mrs Slime has a small penis!!  

I never knew that.
		
Click to expand...

Did you not do ýou 'due diligence ' and indepth research


----------



## Slime (Mar 19, 2021)

drdel said:



			Did you not do ýou 'due diligence ' and in depth research

Click to expand...

I did the 'in depth' bit, thought I'd have noticed it then!


----------



## Slime (Mar 19, 2021)




----------



## drdel (Mar 19, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 35706

Click to expand...


Pity its true


----------



## Imurg (Mar 20, 2021)




----------



## RichA (Mar 20, 2021)

Imurg said:



View attachment 35720

Click to expand...

That was before the actual jab. 
"He saw it coming and took evasive action. He had a right to go down."


----------



## Pants (Mar 20, 2021)

Isn’t it strange how many Formula 1 drivers have names of Scottish places? Stirling Moss, Lewis Hamilton, Eddie Irvine, Ayr Town Centre…


----------



## USER1999 (Mar 20, 2021)

Imurg said:



View attachment 35720

Click to expand...

Probably had the jab in the other arm too.


----------



## Norrin Radd (Mar 20, 2021)

Slime said:



			Mrs Slime has a small penis!!  

I never knew that.
		
Click to expand...

I did 😜


----------



## Slime (Mar 20, 2021)

Slime said:



			Mrs Slime has a small penis!!  

I never knew that.
		
Click to expand...




Norrin Radd said:



			I did 😜
		
Click to expand...


I thought she gave it back to you.


----------



## Slime (Mar 20, 2021)




----------



## rulefan (Mar 20, 2021)




----------



## rulefan (Mar 20, 2021)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (Mar 21, 2021)




----------



## NearHull (Mar 21, 2021)

My wife went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work...


----------



## Old Skier (Mar 21, 2021)




----------



## rulefan (Mar 21, 2021)

But not the German branch - they would click their heels as you open the door.


----------



## rosecott (Mar 22, 2021)




----------



## rulefan (Mar 22, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Mar 23, 2021)




----------



## SatchFan (Mar 23, 2021)




----------



## SatchFan (Mar 23, 2021)




----------



## SwingsitlikeHogan (Mar 24, 2021)

Just heard this one...

Spilt some Seven Seas on the floor earlier and my mrs slipped on it...nothing serious - just some superfishoil bruising...doh...


----------



## Dando (Mar 24, 2021)




----------



## SocketRocket (Mar 24, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Mar 24, 2021)

Got hit on the head by a flying belt sander today.
Everything was fine .............................................. then Bosch.


----------



## Slime (Mar 24, 2021)

For her birthday, I got my wife a fur coat made from 3600 hamster skins and a trip away to Blackpool. 


Couldn't get her off the big wheel for 2 days.


----------



## Pants (Mar 24, 2021)

A horse walks into a bar and says: “On a right angle triangle with sides x y and z, if x and z are perpendicular which side is opposite the right angle?” The barman says.....


“Y - the long face.”


----------



## Slime (Mar 24, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Mar 25, 2021)

SocketRocket said:



View attachment 35797

Click to expand...


That one reminded of my daughter visiting at the weekend .


----------



## Kellfire (Mar 25, 2021)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1372277478002155525
Harry vs Wills


----------



## Smiffy (Mar 26, 2021)

When will these protests end............


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Mar 26, 2021)




----------



## Orikoru (Mar 26, 2021)

Kellfire said:




__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1372277478002155525
Harry vs Wills
		
Click to expand...

More weight to the theory that they're only _half _brothers.


----------



## spongebob59 (Mar 26, 2021)

Going to need a bigger digger 😂


----------



## rosecott (Mar 26, 2021)




----------



## SatchFan (Mar 26, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Mar 26, 2021)

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.​She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.​He asks the lady,"Do you have a vagina?"​She slams the door in disgust.​​The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man​and he asks the same question of the woman,"Do you have a vagina?"​She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home,​she tells him what has happened for the last two days.​​The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice,​"Honey, I am taking tomorrow off, to be home, just in case this guy​shows up again."​​The next morning, they hear a knock and both run for the door.​The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice,​"Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the​same guy, I want you to answer yes, to the question, because I want to​see where the bastard is going, with it."​​​She nods "yes," to her husband and opens the door.​Sure enough, the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question;​"Do you have a vagina"?​"Yes, actually I have."She says.​​The man replies..​"Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and​start using yours?"​​​ 



​​​
​


----------



## jim8flog (Mar 26, 2021)

SatchFan said:



View attachment 35820

Click to expand...


I have still got a clean roll from one of the machines in my shed - life time supply of cleaning rag.


----------



## Slime (Mar 26, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Mar 27, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Mar 27, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Mar 27, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Mar 27, 2021)




----------



## williamalex1 (Mar 27, 2021)

Hehehe


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Mar 28, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Mar 28, 2021)




----------



## Doon frae Troon (Mar 28, 2021)

BBC News readers, after many failed attempts, finally being able to pronounce Alba properly.
I think Marr has been coaching them.


----------



## bobmac (Mar 28, 2021)

PhilTheFragger said:



View attachment 35849

Click to expand...

I have many questions


----------



## Swinglowandslow (Mar 28, 2021)

Doon frae Troon said:



			BBC News readers, after many failed attempts, finally being able to pronounce Alba properly.
I think Marr has been coaching them.
		
Click to expand...

So, how do you do it. It seems obvious but I suspect it isn't. 😀


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Mar 28, 2021)

bobmac said:



			Don't stand too close


I have many questions  

Click to expand...

BAAAAAAAAAA. 🐑🐑👍


----------



## Robin Hood (Mar 28, 2021)




----------



## Doon frae Troon (Mar 28, 2021)

Swinglowandslow said:



			So, how do you do it. It seems obvious but I suspect it isn't. 😀
		
Click to expand...

It is pronounced Alba but not as the Alba as in an electronic company.
It is the original ancient Scottish version.


----------



## Pants (Mar 28, 2021)

Doon frae Troon said:



			It is pronounced Alba but not as the Alba as in an electronic company.
It is the original ancient Scottish version.
		
Click to expand...

That clears that up then


----------



## Imurg (Mar 28, 2021)

So is it Alba, Alba, Alba, or Alba..?


----------



## Lord Tyrion (Mar 28, 2021)

Imurg said:



			So is it Alba, Alba, Alba, or Alba..?
		
Click to expand...

I can't believe you actually suggested the second and third options 😱. You have embarrassed yourself there. The first one was close, last one obviously the correct way. The second and third though, 😂😂. Thanks for that, it cheered me up.


----------



## Imurg (Mar 28, 2021)

Lord Tyrion said:



			I can't believe you actually suggested the second and third options 😱. You have embarrassed yourself there. The first one was close, last one obviously the correct way. The second and third though, 😂😂. Thanks for that, it cheered me up.
		
Click to expand...

I'm well past caring now....


----------



## Slime (Mar 28, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Mar 28, 2021)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Mar 28, 2021)

So is it “Alba”
“Al-baa” 🐑
“Al-b” with a silent A
“Al-bar”
“Ali Ba Ba”
“Barbar”the elephant in the room?

Losing the will to live now


----------



## bobmac (Mar 28, 2021)

They wrote some great songs


----------



## yandabrown (Mar 28, 2021)




----------



## Doon frae Troon (Mar 28, 2021)

Lord Tyrion said:



			I can't believe you actually suggested the second and third options 😱. You have embarrassed yourself there. The first one was close, last one obviously the correct way. The second and third though, 😂😂. Thanks for that, it cheered me up.
		
Click to expand...

Correct it was the original one, all the rest are copies.
Like Berkshire and Barkshire or Esher and Eesher


----------



## Doon frae Troon (Mar 28, 2021)

PhilTheFragger said:



			So is it “Alba”
“Al-baa” 🐑
“Al-b” with a silent A
“Al-bar”
“Ali Ba Ba”
“Barbar”the elephant in the room?

Losing the will to live now
		
Click to expand...

None of the above. Listen to Andrew Marr.


----------



## Imurg (Mar 28, 2021)

I'm none the wiser and if I have to listen to Marr to find out hen I will be forever.....


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Mar 28, 2021)

Apparently in Gaelic it’s “Ali bar”

Now that I know that, what do I do? 👍🙄


----------



## Imurg (Mar 28, 2021)

PhilTheFragger said:



			Apparently in Gaelic it’s “Ali bar”

Now that I know that, what do I do? 👍🙄
		
Click to expand...

At least you won't buy a cheap TV now....


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Mar 28, 2021)

I thought Bjorn from ABBA had been replaced by Limahl.


----------



## toyboy54 (Mar 28, 2021)

Imurg said:



			I'm well past caring now....
		
Click to expand...

Me too!


----------



## USER1999 (Mar 28, 2021)

Pathetic Shark said:



			I thought Bjorn from ABBA had been replaced by Limahl.
		
Click to expand...

Would Bjorn not then be Nrojb?


----------



## Crow (Mar 28, 2021)

PhilTheFragger said:



			Apparently in Gaelic it’s “Ali bar”

Now that I know that, what do I do? 👍🙄
		
Click to expand...


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Mar 28, 2021)

murphthemog said:



			Would Bjorn not then be Nrojb?
		
Click to expand...

I was trying to be clever.  Abba would become Alba if one of the guys was replaced by a singer whose name began with L.


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Mar 28, 2021)




----------



## USER1999 (Mar 28, 2021)

Pathetic Shark said:



			I was trying to be clever.  Abba would become Alba if one of the guys was replaced by a singer whose name began with L.
		
Click to expand...

But it didn't, his name was Hamill  which for some reason reversed became limahl. Weirdo.


----------



## Swinglowandslow (Mar 28, 2021)

Robin Hood said:



View attachment 35862

Click to expand...

Been there, done that😁


----------



## Swinglowandslow (Mar 28, 2021)

Doon frae Troon said:



			None of the above. Listen to Andrew Marr.
		
Click to expand...

You'd have to pay me to do that.....





A lot.


----------



## fundy (Mar 28, 2021)

What happened to thread about laughter with all the "rubbish" 1 liners, any chance of getting it back?


----------



## yandabrown (Mar 28, 2021)

fundy said:



			What happened to thread about laughter with all the "rubbish" 1 liners, any chance of getting it back?
		
Click to expand...

*My cows just wandered into a field of Marijuana*
The steaks have never been so high.


----------



## Pants (Mar 28, 2021)

fundy said:



			What happened to thread about laughter with all the "rubbish" 1 liners, any chance of getting it back?
		
Click to expand...

I think Leftie has left


----------



## rosecott (Mar 29, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Mar 29, 2021)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (Mar 29, 2021)




----------



## Deleted Member 1156 (Mar 29, 2021)

murphthemog said:



			But it didn't, his name was Hamill  which for some reason reversed became limahl. Weirdo.
		
Click to expand...

I can answer that for you! Kajagoogoo came onto the scene when the Star Wars films were big business. Lead singer was also called Mark Hamill so not to be confused with the film star he came up with an anagram of his surname to avoid confusion 👍


----------



## Mudball (Mar 29, 2021)

Spam mail... but still wondering what is the connection with golf


----------



## Orikoru (Mar 29, 2021)

Mudball said:



			Spam mail... but still wondering what is the connection with golf

View attachment 35879

Click to expand...

Is the third bullet point a joke? Free testosterone booster helps you boost free testosterone?? Thanks for that.  Maybe that guy in the picture is only out playing golf because he's lost his sex drive.


----------



## DanFST (Mar 29, 2021)

Mudball said:



			Spam mail... but still wondering what is the connection with golf

View attachment 35879

Click to expand...

I think it's advertising a stiff shaft.


----------



## fundy (Mar 29, 2021)

It's too late to make Suez Canal jokes now. That ship has sailed.


----------



## Slime (Mar 29, 2021)

fundy said:



			It's too late to make Suez Canal jokes now. That ship has sailed.
		
Click to expand...

Oh no, don't say that, I have one more!


----------



## Slime (Mar 29, 2021)

I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my dog at the supermarket and standing in line at the check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting the Purina Diet again although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

Horrified, she asked if I’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the dog food.

I told her no.





I was in the road trying to lick my balls when the car hit me!


----------



## Slime (Mar 29, 2021)




----------



## GreiginFife (Mar 29, 2021)

drive4show said:



			I can answer that for you! Kajagoogoo came onto the scene when the Star Wars films were big business. Lead singer was also called Mark Hamill so not to be confused with the film star he came up with an anagram of his surname to avoid confusion 👍
		
Click to expand...

But his name was Chris Hamill...🤷‍♂️


----------



## Deleted Member 1156 (Mar 30, 2021)

GreiginFife said:



			But his name was Chris Hamill...🤷‍♂️
		
Click to expand...

Fair enough, guess I was given duff information.


----------



## Smiffy (Mar 30, 2021)




----------



## AmandaJR (Mar 30, 2021)




----------



## CliveW (Mar 30, 2021)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (Mar 30, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Mar 30, 2021)

There are reports of a serious leak at a lemonade factory.  



Dozens of people in the next village have been schwepped away.


----------



## Slime (Mar 30, 2021)

When I was an apprentice on a building site, a delivery of elevators came on site and the driver asked me to sign for them. 
I said no and he asked why not? 


I said I was told never to accept lifts from strangers.


----------



## funkycoldmedina (Mar 30, 2021)

A bishop, a priest, and a rabbit walk into the hospital to donate blood.

“What’s your blood group?” asks the nurse.

“I think I’m a type O,” replies the rabbit


----------



## Slime (Mar 30, 2021)




----------



## backwoodsman (Mar 30, 2021)

funkycoldmedina said:



			A bishop, a priest, and a rabbit walk into the hospital to donate blood.

“What’s your blood group?” asks the nurse.

“I think I’m a type O,” replies the rabbit
		
Click to expand...

Blimey, that's the third time (at least) that we've seen this one. And, moreover, it was  the  #1 post of the thread.


----------



## jim8flog (Mar 31, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Mar 31, 2021)

backwoodsman said:



			Blimey, that's the third time (at least) that we've seen this one. And, moreover, it was  the  #1 post of the thread.
		
Click to expand...

 Blood donors need to do it regularly to make a difference.


----------



## Slime (Mar 31, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Mar 31, 2021)




----------



## CliveW (Apr 1, 2021)




----------



## RichA (Apr 1, 2021)

CliveW said:



View attachment 35937

Click to expand...

Brilliant. Number 4 is the funniest thing I've ever seen.


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Apr 1, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 35924

Click to expand...

My dad did something similar when he built a garage in the mid 70s.   He got some bones from a butcher friend of his, wrapped them in a poythene bag and put a note in along the lines of a confession for killing someone.    As far as we know, the garage is still standing - it's in Vale Road, Worcester Park.  One day, that will really screw up some people's day


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Apr 1, 2021)

RichA said:



			Brilliant. Number 4 is the funniest thing I've ever seen.
		
Click to expand...

No.7 is way funnier.   Still laughing about it now.   Who thinks of these things???


----------



## rulefan (Apr 1, 2021)

Anyone know a good sign writer in Hudson Ohio?


----------



## SatchFan (Apr 1, 2021)

Happy Easter to all you rockers out there.


----------



## williamalex1 (Apr 1, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 35924

Click to expand...

I've actually seen a consumer unit installed in a similar space inside a kitchen unit


----------



## williamalex1 (Apr 1, 2021)

There's a funny video doing the rounds on facebook and tiktok. Showing an old guy standing next to a fridge and his wife walks in and knells down in front of him it's called " Stop dreaming , old guys "


----------



## Slime (Apr 1, 2021)

I went to the doctor this morning with a rather strange condition.
I told him that I can't stop singing songs of Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin.


Apparently I have crooner virus!


----------



## Old Skier (Apr 1, 2021)




----------



## IainP (Apr 1, 2021)

https://mygolfspy.com/2021-iron-cover-buyers-guide/


----------



## williamalex1 (Apr 1, 2021)

CliveW said:



View attachment 35937

Click to expand...

To think I use to like you Clive


----------



## rosecott (Apr 1, 2021)

CliveW said:



View attachment 35937

Click to expand...

Is this an April Fool on me? I'm very gullible and totally unable to open it and starting to disbelieve that numbers 4 and 7 exist.


----------



## Deleted Member 1156 (Apr 1, 2021)

rosecott said:



			Is this an April Fool on me? I'm very gullible and totally unable to open it and starting to disbelieve that numbers 4 and 7 exist.
		
Click to expand...

Those naughty rascals are pulling your leg Jim 👍


----------



## RichA (Apr 1, 2021)

rosecott said:



			Is this an April Fool on me? I'm very gullible and totally unable to open it and starting to disbelieve that numbers 4 and 7 exist.
		
Click to expand...

It fooled me before I added the comment. I suspect it fooled most of us.


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Apr 2, 2021)

Best April Fools prank I heard of was in the local Boys Grammar school about 15 years ago.

One of the boys lived on a farm and took 3 sheep into school and let them roam.

However he has daubed them with the numbers 1,2 & 4.

Apparently they spent hours looking for the non existent no 3 🐑🐑🐑😂


----------



## Doon frae Troon (Apr 2, 2021)

Furious farmer takes revenge on driver who blocked his gate (msn.com) 

Don't block access to farm fields or this might happen


----------



## cliveb (Apr 2, 2021)

PhilTheFragger said:



			Best April Fools prank I heard of was in the local Boys Grammar school about 15 years ago.

One of the boys lived on a farm and took 3 sheep into school and let them roam.

However he has daubed them with the numbers 1,2 & 4.

Apparently they spent hours looking for the non existent no 3 🐑🐑🐑😂
		
Click to expand...

This is one of those urban legends. I've heard the same story about Watford Girls' Grammar.


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Apr 2, 2021)

cliveb said:



			This is one of those urban legends. I've heard the same story about Watford Girls' Grammar.
		
Click to expand...

Those girls obviously nicked the idea, the 2 schools are only 9 miles apart.

It genuinely happened at the boys school as one of my daughters knew the perp 👍


----------



## fundy (Apr 2, 2021)

For some time, my wife’s had this ridiculous idea that I’m playing too much golf. Actually, it came to a head at about 11.30 last night. She suddenly shouted at me: ‘Golf, golf, golf. All you ever think about is bloody golf!’ And I’ll be honest, it frightened the life out of me. I mean, you don’t expect to meet somebody on the 14th green at that time of night


----------



## SatchFan (Apr 2, 2021)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Apr 2, 2021)

fundy said:



			For some time, my wife’s had this ridiculous idea that I’m playing too much golf. Actually, it came to a head at about 11.30 last night. She suddenly shouted at me: ‘Golf, golf, golf. All you ever think about is bloody golf!’ And I’ll be honest, it frightened the life out of me. I mean, you don’t expect to meet somebody on the 14th green at that time of night
		
Click to expand...

Shamelessly borrowed from Ronnie Corbett 👍


----------



## fundy (Apr 2, 2021)

PhilTheFragger said:



			Shamelessly borrowed from Ronnie Corbett 👍
		
Click to expand...


didnt realise we had to credit where we got our jokes from, or are all the others originals on the thread lol


----------



## NearHull (Apr 2, 2021)

SatchFan said:



View attachment 35955

Click to expand...

Ok, I give up.  Why is this funny?


----------



## Imurg (Apr 2, 2021)

NearHull said:



			Ok, I give up.  Why is this funny?
		
Click to expand...

Think busking..?


----------



## NearHull (Apr 2, 2021)

Imurg said:



			Think busking..?
		
Click to expand...

Thanks , got it now.


----------



## Slime (Apr 2, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Apr 2, 2021)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Apr 3, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Apr 3, 2021)




----------



## SatchFan (Apr 3, 2021)

NearHull said:



			Ok, I give up.  Why is this funny?
		
Click to expand...

I confess it's not one of my better ones.


----------



## SatchFan (Apr 3, 2021)

How Easter eggs are made.


----------



## Smiffy (Apr 4, 2021)




----------



## Smiffy (Apr 4, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Apr 4, 2021)




----------



## yandabrown (Apr 4, 2021)

Did you know Sean Connery used to save the egg shells from pancake day and paint them to use for egg hunts at Easter?
It was an egg shell lent idea


----------



## Slime (Apr 4, 2021)

I asked my wife for something Cuban for my birthday. 
She got me a Che Guevara tee shirt. 




Clothes but no cigar.


----------



## backwoodsman (Apr 5, 2021)

All my life I've had a problem  with balloons! If ever I walk near one, it just sticks to my jumper. Irritating. Kiddies parties were a particular nightmare. Until today that is. For some reason it just stpped happening. I'm exstatic !


----------



## Slime (Apr 5, 2021)

I stopped a a fish stall today with a sign saying, lobster tales for £2.
I gave the bloke £2 and he said,
"Once upon a time, there was this lobster ...........................


----------



## Fade and Die (Apr 5, 2021)

I was born a male and all my life have identified as a male but according to Tesco’s sticky toffee pudding I’m a family of four!


----------



## AmandaJR (Apr 5, 2021)

Fade and Die said:



			I was born a male and all my life have identified as a male but according to Tesco’s sticky toffee pudding I’m a family of four!
		
Click to expand...

I was going to post in Random Irritations...the portion size on my Easter Egg was 1/9th. Who eats 1/9th of an easter egg??!!


----------



## Fade and Die (Apr 5, 2021)

AmandaJR said:



			I was going to post in Random Irritations...the portion size on my Easter Egg was 1/9th. Who eats 1/9th of an easter egg??!!
		
Click to expand...

That’s just a big bite!!


----------



## williamalex1 (Apr 5, 2021)

75 year old golfer tells his doctor, I'm just not feeling quite right, I'm tired and my back is sore all the time all. And to make matters worse I've lost at least 100 yards from my drives.
The doc says this quite normal it happens with age, but we'll do some blood test anyway, come back in 2 weeks.
Back 2 weeks later the Doc says I'm afraid I have some very bad news for you.
The blood test show you have a rare incurable Chinese disease called Yellow 48 .
We can give you meds that reduce the pain but nothing else can be done.
Old guy say what can I do at my age now that I can't play any sports ? Doc says try Bingo and a few drinks won't do you any harm.

So he goes to the Bingo , 1st game is a pyramid, after 6 numbers, bingo he's a winner.
Next up is any line bingo he's a winner again.
Next up full house bingo he wins again.
Next up the Flyover jackpot  involving all the other county clubs, bingo again.

The bingo caller announces you are the luckiest player we've ever had in our club.
The old guy shouts back you think I'm LUCKY, I've got yellow 48.

Bingo caller shouts  FFS you've won the raffle too.


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Apr 5, 2021)

Is there a punch line Billy? 🤔


----------



## Slime (Apr 5, 2021)




----------



## williamalex1 (Apr 5, 2021)

PhilTheFragger said:



			Is there a punch line Billy? 🤔
		
Click to expand...

Yip lol I pressed too soon, premature sending too


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Apr 5, 2021)

williamalex1 said:



			Yip lol I pressed too soon, premature sending too 

Click to expand...

You can get pills for that Billy 🤫😏


----------



## williamalex1 (Apr 5, 2021)

PhilTheFragger said:



			You can get pills for that Billy 🤫😏
		
Click to expand...

If only lol


----------



## Fade and Die (Apr 5, 2021)

williamalex1 said:



			75 year old golfer tells his doctor, I'm just not feeling quite right, I'm tired and my back is sore all the time all. And to make matters worse I've lost at least 100 yards from my drives.
The doc says this quite normal it happens with age, but we'll do some blood test anyway, come back in 2 weeks.
Back 2 weeks later the Doc says I'm afraid I have some very bad news for you.
The blood test show you have a rare incurable Chinese disease called Yellow 48 .
We can give you meds that reduce the pain but nothing else can be done.
Old guy say what can I do at my age now that I can't play any sports ? Doc says try Bingo and a few drinks won't do you any harm.

So he goes to the Bingo , 1st game is a pyramid, after 6 numbers, bingo he's a winner.
Next up is any line bingo he's a winner again.
Next up full house bingo he wins again.
Next up the Flyover jackpot  involving all the other county clubs, bingo again.

The bingo caller announces you are the luckiest player we've ever had in our club.
The old guy shouts back you think I'm LUCKY, I've got yellow 48.

Bingo caller shouts  FFS you've won the raffle too. 

Click to expand...

Well done Bill, I knew you could do it.😁


----------



## williamalex1 (Apr 5, 2021)

Fade and Die said:



			Well done Bill, I knew you could do it.😁
		
Click to expand...

Cheers Doc


----------



## Imurg (Apr 6, 2021)




----------



## bobmac (Apr 6, 2021)

Don't stand so close to me or I'll call the police


----------



## clubchamp98 (Apr 6, 2021)

Imurg said:



View attachment 36038

Click to expand...

Do people who don’t have children say these things?


----------



## Neilds (Apr 6, 2021)

clubchamp98 said:



			Do people who don’t have children say these things?
		
Click to expand...

Yes, must admit to about half and I have no kids🤪


----------



## patricks148 (Apr 6, 2021)

not sure if its true came up on one of the GSP groups,  but found it funny anyway
So I woke up and my dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit's not bloody, just dirty.  My neighbor's kids raise blue ribbon rabbits. I instantly knew it was one of theirs. 
	
	
		
		
	


	




I took the rabbit away from my dog, rushed inside, and washed all the dirt off it before my neighbors could come home. It was stiff but I heard some animals play dead when they are afraid but I couldn't remember which ones. I took it and placed it back in one of the cages in their back yard then I ZOOMED back home.  (Don't judge me 
	
	
		
		
	


	




)
Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming so I go out and ask them what's wrong? They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.


----------



## SatchFan (Apr 6, 2021)

From his swamp.


----------



## Slime (Apr 6, 2021)




----------



## SatchFan (Apr 7, 2021)

When the pub finally opens next week.


----------



## Slime (Apr 7, 2021)

I was offered sex today with a 21 year old girl.
In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaning product to all of my friends.
Obviously I declined because I am a person of high moral standards with a very strong willpower.
Almost as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner, now available scented with lemon or vanilla!


----------



## williamalex1 (Apr 7, 2021)

Slime said:



			I was offered sex today with a 21 year old girl.
In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaning product to all of my friends.
Obviously I declined because I am a person of high moral standards with a very strong willpower.
Almost as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner, now available scented with lemon or vanilla!
		
Click to expand...

Today an oriental girl offered me sex, she only looked about  15. 
So I said  "no chance you're way too young " she said  " How you know my Name "


----------



## AmandaJR (Apr 8, 2021)




----------



## Old Skier (Apr 8, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Apr 8, 2021)

Imurg said:



View attachment 36038

Click to expand...

Seeing the " Can you do mine next " reminded of a time I was just about to say that when I thought better of it. It was the undertaker cleaning the hearse.


----------



## Slime (Apr 8, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Apr 8, 2021)




----------



## Imurg (Apr 9, 2021)




----------



## bobmac (Apr 9, 2021)

If you're poor, fat and ugly, there is virtually no chance of being kidnapped and held for ransom.
Every cloud...........


----------



## clubchamp98 (Apr 9, 2021)

bobmac said:



			If you're poor, fat and ugly, there is virtually no chance of being kidnapped and held for ransom.
Every cloud...........

Click to expand...

No need for the fat and ugly, the first one usually will do.


----------



## bobmac (Apr 9, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Apr 9, 2021)




----------



## Pants (Apr 9, 2021)

I used to work in a helium gas factory, but I walked out.  No one talks to me in that tone of voice.


----------



## Slime (Apr 9, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Apr 9, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Apr 9, 2021)




----------



## bobmac (Apr 10, 2021)




----------



## SatchFan (Apr 10, 2021)

Don't we all.


----------



## Slime (Apr 10, 2021)

Olaf the Norseman is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.
"What's the matter?" asks Olaf.
"Oh," sobs the old lady. "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets."
"No problem," says Olaf, lifting her onto his back. "I'll take you."
Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.
At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair.
"I'd really like to thank you," says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are!"
Olaf just waves and walks off.
"I was really worried about you," says the old lady's husband. "What have you been doing?"




She replies, "Well, I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."


----------



## Blue in Munich (Apr 10, 2021)

Slime said:



			Olaf the Norseman is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.
"What's the matter?" asks Olaf.
"Oh," sobs the old lady. "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets."
"No problem," says Olaf, lifting her onto his back. "I'll take you."
Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.
At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair.
"I'd really like to thank you," says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are!"
Olaf just waves and walks off.
"I was really worried about you," says the old lady's husband. "What have you been doing?"




She replies, "Well, I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."
		
Click to expand...

That is a new low, even for you.


----------



## richart (Apr 10, 2021)

Slime said:



			Olaf the Norseman is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.
"What's the matter?" asks Olaf.
"Oh," sobs the old lady. "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets."
"No problem," says Olaf, lifting her onto his back. "I'll take you."
Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.
At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair.
"I'd really like to thank you," says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are!"
Olaf just waves and walks off.
"I was really worried about you," says the old lady's husband. "What have you been doing?"




She replies, "Well, I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."
		
Click to expand...

 Classic America. 👍


----------



## Old Skier (Apr 10, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Apr 10, 2021)




----------



## Doon frae Troon (Apr 11, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 36109

Click to expand...

You would have thought the captain would have retracted those wing mirrors.


----------



## sawtooth (Apr 11, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Apr 11, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Apr 11, 2021)

I once had a chat with Elvis about supermarkets.
We chatted about Waitrose, Co-op, Sainsburys. Morrisons, Aldi, Asda and Tesco.


It was a Lidl-less conversation.


----------



## AmandaJR (Apr 11, 2021)

A couple of funnies I heard on SU2C Bake-off. Must check out the Canadian comedienne Katherine Ryan as she was funny throughout.

To Paul Hollywood "thanks for wearing the Canadian Tuxedo. My countrymen would applaud your denim on denim". Then "my husband was divorced. The best time to find a man is amongst the ashes of his previous relationship with just a car loan and golf clubs. Then he's ready to learn"!


----------



## AmandaJR (Apr 11, 2021)




----------



## IainP (Apr 12, 2021)

SatchFan said:



			When the pub finally opens next week.

View attachment 36059

Click to expand...

Know this one has done the rounds but awoke to a snowy scene in the mild south - uncanny!


----------



## bobmac (Apr 12, 2021)

AmandaJR said:









Click to expand...

When she said most dolphins/men turn out to be sexual predators I realised her material hasn't changed.
Not for me


----------



## Slime (Apr 12, 2021)




----------



## Fade and Die (Apr 12, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Apr 12, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Apr 12, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Apr 12, 2021)




----------



## Doon frae Troon (Apr 12, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 36142

Click to expand...

Korcky


----------



## srixon 1 (Apr 12, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 36142

Click to expand...

Shoots


----------



## Orikoru (Apr 12, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 36142

Click to expand...

John Thomas.
Johnson.
Dick.


----------



## Imurg (Apr 13, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 36142

Click to expand...

As it's a cat - Knobhead.


----------



## NearHull (Apr 13, 2021)

Orikoru said:



			John Thomas.
Johnson.
Dick.
		
Click to expand...

Richard?


----------



## Slime (Apr 13, 2021)

A bit surprised nobody's come up with Willy!


----------



## RichA (Apr 13, 2021)

Genital Ben?


----------



## arnieboy (Apr 13, 2021)

Cooking Fat


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Apr 13, 2021)

Piers Morgan


----------



## drdel (Apr 13, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 36142

Click to expand...

Tiger


----------



## sawtooth (Apr 13, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Apr 13, 2021)

I just asked my 4 year old grandson what “Please” is in Spanish.
He said he didn’t know.




I think that’s poor for four.


----------



## Slime (Apr 13, 2021)

I remember a kid at school who couldn’t stop counting.



I wonder what he’s up to now.


----------



## Slime (Apr 13, 2021)

I've got a stepladder and it's a really good stepladder.


But I sometimes think it would be nice to meet my birthladder.


----------



## Mudball (Apr 13, 2021)

Saw this outside the pub today.. would have been rude to decline the call..


----------



## ColchesterFC (Apr 13, 2021)

We were so poor when I was growing up that I had a second hand calculator that didn't have an "X" button.

Times were hard.


----------



## ColchesterFC (Apr 13, 2021)

I thought about buying myself a new pocket calculator. 

Until I realised that I didn't care how many pockets I've got.


----------



## ColchesterFC (Apr 13, 2021)

Last night I had a text from the wife saying she was in casualty. I watched the whole episode and I didn't spot her.
She's still not home and I'm getting hungry.


----------



## ColchesterFC (Apr 13, 2021)

My wife's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one. She was livid. She replied, "What am I going to do with 2 dead dogs?"


----------



## ColchesterFC (Apr 13, 2021)

Alligators can grow up to 14 feet.

But most of the ones I've seen have only had four.


----------



## Slime (Apr 13, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Apr 13, 2021)

Of course my car isn’t voice activated.


It goes without saying.


----------



## Slime (Apr 13, 2021)

My uncle could carry 67 pigeons on his arm.


What a ledge!


----------



## Slime (Apr 14, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Apr 14, 2021)

Someone has stolen all the motorway signs on the M1.



Police say they have no Leeds.


----------



## Slime (Apr 14, 2021)

I met a Chinese Drug addict.  He asked, "Have you seen my cocaine?"


I replied: "Not since he starred in Zulu."


----------



## Crazyface (Apr 14, 2021)

Slime said:



			I met a Chinese Drug addict.  He asked, "Have you seen my cocaine?"


I replied: "Not since he starred in Zulu."
		
Click to expand...

Best one yet !!!!


----------



## Neilds (Apr 14, 2021)

Crazyface said:



			Best one yet !!!!
		
Click to expand...

The bar was fairly low though!


----------



## Blue in Munich (Apr 14, 2021)

I'm reading a thriller in braille.


Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it.


----------



## srixon 1 (Apr 14, 2021)

Slime said:



			I met a Chinese Drug addict.  He asked, "Have you seen my cocaine?"


I replied: "Not since he starred in Zulu."
		
Click to expand...

I actually had to say that out loud to myself😂


----------



## NearHull (Apr 15, 2021)

srixon 1 said:



			I actually had to say that out loud to myself😂
		
Click to expand...

Thanks, I needed to do that as well.


----------



## fundy (Apr 15, 2021)




----------



## Tashyboy (Apr 15, 2021)

After initial investigation into damages to Real Madrid bus Merseyside police have concluded that the bus drove into the brick


----------



## rulefan (Apr 15, 2021)

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub and it's a 45 minute walk from the pub to my house.



The difference is staggering


----------



## IainP (Apr 15, 2021)




----------



## richart (Apr 15, 2021)

IainP said:



View attachment 36202

Click to expand...

 Hope it includes sound for the shrieks.


----------



## Slime (Apr 15, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Apr 15, 2021)




----------



## Imurg (Apr 16, 2021)




----------



## rulefan (Apr 16, 2021)

richart said:



View attachment 36202 
Hope it includes sound for the shrieks.
		
Click to expand...

And where's the VAR?


----------



## Doon frae Troon (Apr 16, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 36207

Click to expand...

Not sure about some from Fanny as well.


----------



## Slime (Apr 16, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Apr 16, 2021)

IainP said:



View attachment 36202

Click to expand...


Not all of them are taking the knee!!


----------



## ColchesterFC (Apr 16, 2021)

I have a Slovakian friend who is a sound technician.

And I have a Czech one too.

A Czech. One. Too.

A Czech. One. Too.


----------



## SatchFan (Apr 16, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Apr 17, 2021)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Apr 17, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Apr 17, 2021)

PhilTheFragger said:



View attachment 36228

Click to expand...

Thats you Phil! 🤣


----------



## Imurg (Apr 17, 2021)

Dando said:



			Thats you Phil! 🤣
		
Click to expand...

And its just the sort of thing he would do...the resemblance is uncanny......


----------



## Doon frae Troon (Apr 17, 2021)

The Horse Guards marching at the Duke of Edinburgh's funeral.
Whoever thought that would be a good idea needs horse whipping.


----------



## jim8flog (Apr 17, 2021)




----------



## Voyager EMH (Apr 17, 2021)

I seem to be often criticised as being big-headed. That's nonsense, I'm the most modest man in the world.


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Apr 18, 2021)

Wasn’t sure where to post this
We keep chickens

The egg on the left is a standard large laid this morning

The one on the right was laid by an ostrich which crept into the cage overnight and did a runner.
Just how????😀


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Apr 18, 2021)

Respectful post but still with a touch of geek humour.
Charles Geschke: Adobe co-founder who helped develop the PDF dies.  He will converted into about ten different formats at a later date.


----------



## Slime (Apr 18, 2021)

I just won a genuine van Gogh coffee table at auction. 



I know it's genuine because it has a bit of veneer missing.


----------



## Old Skier (Apr 18, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Apr 18, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Apr 18, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Apr 18, 2021)




----------



## Fade and Die (Apr 18, 2021)

Frag/Patrick Delete if too risky.


----------



## Slime (Apr 18, 2021)




----------



## Voyager EMH (Apr 18, 2021)

Left wing back has made a guest appearance after already being transferred. One of the twin strikers could be taking more of a management role from no on.


----------



## Slime (Apr 19, 2021)




----------



## rulefan (Apr 19, 2021)




----------



## Tashyboy (Apr 21, 2021)

😳


----------



## jim8flog (Apr 21, 2021)




----------



## Doon frae Troon (Apr 21, 2021)

jim8flog said:



View attachment 36268

Click to expand...

My friend woke up early one midsummer morning to find his cat had left him a dead adder on the bed.


----------



## Swinglowandslow (Apr 21, 2021)

Doon frae Troon said:



			My friend woke up early one midsummer morning to find his cat had left him a dead adder on the bed.
		
Click to expand...

What a considerate  cat. It could have been a live adder😳


----------



## Slime (Apr 21, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Apr 22, 2021)

My mate Tony asked me not to say his name backwards. 



I said, y not?


----------



## Slime (Apr 22, 2021)

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter.

"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a, very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says.

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat
The bouncer is a blonde girl
I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler
"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


----------



## Mudball (Apr 22, 2021)

This has been doing the rounds.. found it really funny,. 


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1384517698307121153


----------



## jim8flog (Apr 22, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Apr 22, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Apr 22, 2021)

I got in a long queue this morning waiting for a haircut!
To alleviate the wait, the proprietor served up burgers, sausage and kebabs!


It was the best barber queue I've ever been in.


----------



## Smiffy (Apr 23, 2021)

OMG!! A local barber has been arrested for selling drugs. I'm really, really shocked.
I have been a customer of his for years and I didn't even know he was a barber!!!


----------



## Smiffy (Apr 23, 2021)

A medical friend of mine has just been fired from his practice for having sex with a patient. All those years of training down the pan.
He was a really funny guy and a wonderful vet.


----------



## Slime (Apr 23, 2021)




----------



## AmandaJR (Apr 23, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Apr 23, 2021)

When I was a kid, people would cover me in chocolate and cream and put cherries on my head.


Life was tough in the gateaux.


----------



## Imurg (Apr 24, 2021)

Rage Against The Machine never actually stated which machine they had an issue with..
It was probably a Printer.....


----------



## rosecott (Apr 24, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Apr 24, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Apr 24, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Apr 24, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Apr 24, 2021)




----------



## SteveW86 (Apr 25, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Apr 25, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 36322

Click to expand...



Double mastectomy or castration?


----------



## Foxholer (Apr 25, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 36321

Click to expand...

H'mm! I believe '8:7' would be more appropriate!


----------



## drdel (Apr 25, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 36322

Click to expand...

Made my eyes water!


----------



## Slime (Apr 25, 2021)

Even though I've gone bald, I still keep my comb that I've had for over 20 years. 



I just can't part with it.


----------



## williamalex1 (Apr 25, 2021)

Slime said:



			Even though I've gone bald, I still keep my comb that I've had for over 20 years.



I just can't part with it.
		
Click to expand...

Awe !! that's a Chamois , have you tried neck and shoulders shampoo


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Apr 25, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Apr 25, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Apr 25, 2021)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Apr 27, 2021)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Apr 27, 2021)

I went to my local last night.
The landlady said “Sorry all our tables are full at the moment.. do you mind waiting?"
 I said "Sure, no problem.".
So she handed me a tray full of drinks and said "Great! Can you take this to table 4?"....


----------



## fundy (Apr 27, 2021)

PhilTheFragger said:



View attachment 36366

Click to expand...


why does it feel this is aimed at poor Scooter


----------



## Slime (Apr 27, 2021)




----------



## Mudball (Apr 28, 2021)

After ditching Kanye...  Kim Kard has taken up golf..
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/video/t...-Kardashian-shows-moves-enjoys-game-golf.html


----------



## SatchFan (Apr 28, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Apr 28, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Apr 29, 2021)

I tried to communicate with a deceased window cleaner the other day... I used a squeegee board


----------



## SocketRocket (Apr 29, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Apr 29, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Apr 30, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Apr 30, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (May 1, 2021)




----------



## Slime (May 2, 2021)




----------



## bobmac (May 2, 2021)




----------



## NearHull (May 2, 2021)




----------



## Slime (May 2, 2021)




----------



## Slime (May 2, 2021)




----------



## Blue in Munich (May 3, 2021)




----------



## Blue in Munich (May 3, 2021)




----------



## Blue in Munich (May 3, 2021)




----------



## Blue in Munich (May 3, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (May 3, 2021)




----------



## bobmac (May 3, 2021)

jim8flog said:



View attachment 36438

Click to expand...

Remember back in the old days when we didn't care what you had for breakfast.....


















We still don't care


----------



## clubchamp98 (May 3, 2021)

bobmac said:



			Remember back in the old days when we didn't care what you had for breakfast.....


















We still don't care
		
Click to expand...

Well we didn’t care because nobody went around telling people what they had.
How much power is used posting these useless Tweets.
Oh hang on???


----------



## Slime (May 3, 2021)




----------



## Slime (May 3, 2021)




----------



## Slime (May 3, 2021)




----------



## Slime (May 3, 2021)




----------



## ColchesterFC (May 3, 2021)

My wife said she thought we'd have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic.

I said, "I think you mean fewer".


----------



## ColchesterFC (May 3, 2021)

I phoned my boss this morning. "I'm on the train heading to the south coast now."

"What?" he answered, sounding a bit annoyed, "It's 5 o' clock in the morning! What are you doing on a train?"

"You tell me," I replied, "You're the one who told me to be in Brighton early in the morning"


----------



## Dando (May 3, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 36446

Click to expand...

That’s shocking


----------



## SatchFan (May 3, 2021)

I finally realized my parents had a favourite when they asked me to blow up the balloons for my twin brother's surprise birthday party.


----------



## ColchesterFC (May 3, 2021)

What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?

Well the flag is a big plus.


----------



## ColchesterFC (May 3, 2021)

Rick Astley will let you borrow any DVD from his Pixar collection, apart from one. 

He’s never gonna give you Up.


----------



## SatchFan (May 4, 2021)

Day Five. They still think I'm a towel.


----------



## Slime (May 4, 2021)




----------



## Slime (May 4, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (May 4, 2021)




----------



## Slime (May 4, 2021)

jim8flog said:



View attachment 36460

Click to expand...

There's one of those in the town a few miles from me but it never seems to be working!


----------



## Pants (May 4, 2021)

I struggle with procrastination and clear articulation. I can’t even begin to explain how difficult it is...


----------



## AmandaJR (May 5, 2021)




----------



## backwoodsman (May 5, 2021)

AmandaJR said:



View attachment 36468

Click to expand...

 - its one of my favourite silly jokes.


----------



## Slime (May 5, 2021)




----------



## Slime (May 5, 2021)

What do you call fake spaghetti?



Impasta.


----------



## Slime (May 5, 2021)




----------



## Imurg (May 5, 2021)

Slime said:



			What do you call fake spaghetti?



Impasta.
		
Click to expand...

Didn't laugh the first time...


----------



## bobmac (May 6, 2021)




----------



## GaryK (May 6, 2021)

Now that's what I call convenience stores


----------



## Dando (May 6, 2021)

Sales of white flags in France have increased by 1000% today


----------



## GuyInLyon (May 6, 2021)

Dando said:



			Sales of white flags in France have increased by 1000% today
		
Click to expand...

1) Dunkirk
2) Rorke's Drift
3) Singapore
4) Gallipoli
5) Suez
6) The Somme
7) Saratoga
8) Yorktown
9) Hastings
10) Orleans

I could go on...


----------



## Pathetic Shark (May 6, 2021)

GuyInLyon said:



			1) Dunkirk
2) Rorke's Drift
3) Singapore
4) Gallipoli
5) Suez
6) The Somme
7) Saratoga
8) Yorktown
9) Hastings
10) Orleans

I could go on...
		
Click to expand...

Sounds like the play list from an Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark album.


----------



## Slime (May 6, 2021)




----------



## IainP (May 6, 2021)




----------



## Crazyface (May 6, 2021)

GuyInLyon said:



			1) Dunkirk
2) Rorke's Drift
3) Singapore
4) Gallipoli
5) Suez
6) The Somme
7) Saratoga
8) Yorktown
9) Hastings
10) Orleans

I could go on...
		
Click to expand...

?


----------



## ColchesterFC (May 6, 2021)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (May 7, 2021)

There has been a major accident between two ice cream vans.  Police are on the scene and they have put cones everywhere.


----------



## Pathetic Shark (May 7, 2021)

I just bought myself a sat nav for the car which has the voice of FatBoy Slim.  Bloody useless it is.  Kept telling me "Right here, right now".


----------



## ColchesterFC (May 7, 2021)

Pathetic Shark said:



			I just bought myself a sat nav for the car which has the voice of FatBoy Slim.  Bloody useless it is.  Kept telling me "Right here, right now".
		
Click to expand...

I had a Bonnie Tyler sat nav. It was rubbish. It kept telling me to turn around. And every now and then it fell apart.

I upgraded to a U2 sat nav but that's no better. All the streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.


----------



## Rooter (May 7, 2021)

Pathetic Shark said:



			There has been a major accident between two ice cream vans.  Police are on the scene and they have put cones everywhere.
		
Click to expand...

Was it on Sundae? On that rocky road? Hopefully the owners are insured. wouldn't want them to top themselves if they got into debt.


----------



## Rooter (May 7, 2021)

ColchesterFC said:



			I had a Bonnie Tyler sat nav. It was rubbish. It kept telling me to turn around. And every now and then it fell apart.

I upgraded to a U2 sat nav but that's no better. All the streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
		
Click to expand...

Better than the Talking Heads one, I am getting nowhere fast.


----------



## Pathetic Shark (May 7, 2021)

I had a Phil Collins voice one but it only ever worked when I asked it to Take me Home.


----------



## yandabrown (May 7, 2021)

Rooter said:



			Was it on Sundae? On that rocky road? Hopefully the owners are insured. wouldn't want them to top themselves if they got into debt.
		
Click to expand...

I heard it was on the A 99, it was a really busy day so there were hundreds of thousands of witnesses, damage wasn't bad so not much lolly required for repairs.


----------



## bobmac (May 7, 2021)

yandabrown said:



			I heard it was on the A 99, it was a really busy day so there were hundreds of thousands of witnesses, damage wasn't bad so not much lolly required for repairs.
		
Click to expand...

Lots of flaking paint?


----------



## SatchFan (May 7, 2021)

If only there was an easier way.


----------



## Old Skier (May 7, 2021)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (May 8, 2021)




----------



## Neilds (May 8, 2021)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (May 8, 2021)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (May 8, 2021)

Years ago we were on the way to play a baseball game in Ipswich and the entire journey, one of the guys in our car was trying to remember the name of the girl he'd picked up and spent the night with.  When we get to Ipswich, he remembers every back road to the ground from a trip about six years ago.     

Same as golfers who can remember every shot they hit in a round but forget the name of the playing partner they have just been introduced to by the time they get to the 1st green.


----------



## Slime (May 8, 2021)




----------



## SocketRocket (May 8, 2021)

Pathetic Shark said:



			I had a Phil Collins voice one but it only ever worked when I asked it to Take me Home.
		
Click to expand...

That made me think twice.


----------



## SocketRocket (May 8, 2021)

GuyInLyon said:



			1) Dunkirk
2) Rorke's Drift
3) Singapore
4) Gallipoli
5) Suez
6) The Somme
7) Saratoga
8) Yorktown
9) Hastings
10) Orleans

I could go on...
		
Click to expand...

Bleinheim
Ramillies
Oudenarde
Malplaquet
Pavia ( capture of Francis 1st )
Agincourt
Verneuil
Sluys
Crecy
Poitiers
Trafalgar
Aspern-Essling
Talavera
Bussaco
Fuentes de Onoro
Salamanca
Barrosa
Vitoria
Leipzig
Waterloo
Dien Bien Phu

To name a few..


----------



## jim8flog (May 8, 2021)




----------



## rulefan (May 8, 2021)

jim8flog said:



View attachment 36531

Click to expand...

Its not just the kid's


----------



## Voyager EMH (May 8, 2021)

ColchesterFC said:



			I had a Bonnie Tyler sat nav. It was rubbish. It kept telling me to turn around. And every now and then it fell apart.

I upgraded to a U2 sat nav but that's no better. All the streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
		
Click to expand...

Same problem with my Paul Simon one, the nearer my destination, the more I was slip sliding away.


----------



## Voyager EMH (May 8, 2021)

I've got a Hawkwind sat nav now, its silver and it gets me sideways through time.


----------



## clubchamp98 (May 8, 2021)

John Denver classic sat nav, only takes me home on country roads.


----------



## bobmac (May 9, 2021)

rulefan said:



*Its* not just the *kid's*

Click to expand...


----------



## Smiffy (May 9, 2021)

Pathetic Shark said:



			There has been a major accident between two ice cream vans.  Police are on the scene and they have put cones everywhere.
		
Click to expand...

Two container vessels have collided in the channel.
One was carrying a cargo of blue paint, the other was carrying a cargo of red paint.
28 crew members have been marooned.


----------



## Smiffy (May 9, 2021)

A large 25ft deep hole has appeared on a main road in Bexhill today.
Council workers are looking into it.


----------



## Smiffy (May 9, 2021)

Work has stopped on the planned refurbishment of the local police station today after thieves broke in overnight and stole all of the new sanitaryware for the restrooms.
Police have nothing to go on.


----------



## Smiffy (May 9, 2021)

Read a few new books recently.....
"24 hours in the saddle" by Major William Bumsore.
"Rusty bedsprings" by I P Nightly
"Russian babies revenge" by Nora Nippleoff.
"Billiards the Russian Way" by Inoff the red.


----------



## Imurg (May 9, 2021)

Jeez Rob..you need some new material...these are older than ChrisD....


----------



## Smiffy (May 9, 2021)

Imurg said:



			Jeez Rob..you need some new material...these are older than ChrisD....

Click to expand...

Not quite....


----------



## PhilTheFragger (May 9, 2021)

Smiffy said:



			Not quite....


Click to expand...

I’m sure these were originally written in Sanskrit 😂


----------



## chrisd (May 9, 2021)

Imurg said:



			Jeez Rob..you need some new material...these are older than ChrisD....

Click to expand...

At least something is older than me then!


----------



## rulefan (May 9, 2021)

bobmac said:





Click to expand...

Well I thought if funny at the time


----------



## Voyager EMH (May 9, 2021)

Smiffy said:



			Read a few new books recently.....
"24 hours in the saddle" by Major William Bumsore.
"Rusty bedsprings" by I P Nightly
"Russian babies revenge" by Nora Nippleoff.
"Billiards the Russian Way" by Inoff the red.
		
Click to expand...

Sliding Down The Banister by R. Stornaway


----------



## Slime (May 9, 2021)




----------



## Smiffy (May 9, 2021)




----------



## Slime (May 9, 2021)




----------



## Grizzly (May 10, 2021)

PhilTheFragger said:



			I’m sure these were originally written in Sanskrit 😂
		
Click to expand...

Two of them were actually part of the text used to decode the Rosetta Stone!


----------



## Dando (May 10, 2021)

I've written a song about getting my door lock changed.

there's a lovely key change at the end


----------



## Dando (May 10, 2021)

Police in Kent have arrested a lady for stealing a sign that read "& Emergency"

apparently she found it by Accident


----------



## GuyInLyon (May 10, 2021)

SocketRocket said:



			Bleinheim
Ramillies
Oudenarde
Malplaquet
Pavia ( capture of Francis 1st )
Agincourt
Verneuil
Sluys
Crecy
Poitiers
Trafalgar
Aspern-Essling
Talavera
Bussaco
Fuentes de Onoro
Salamanca
Barrosa
Vitoria
Leipzig
Waterloo
Dien Bien Phu

To name a few..
		
Click to expand...

You seem to be saying that both countries have won some, lost Somme.

Although your list tends to the obscure...


----------



## Slime (May 10, 2021)




----------



## Slime (May 10, 2021)




----------



## Slime (May 10, 2021)




----------



## Slime (May 10, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (May 10, 2021)




----------



## Slime (May 10, 2021)




----------



## Smiffy (May 11, 2021)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (May 11, 2021)

jim8flog said:



View attachment 36557

Click to expand...

I was playing early one morning a few years back and came to a par-3.  Two of the greenkeepers, friends of mine, saw me on the tee and immediately went and stood right next to the flag indicating the same as that picture.  I got bragging rights when I dropped it in to about 10 feet.


----------



## Dando (May 11, 2021)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (May 11, 2021)

My friend's wife got her first jab today.  He said if she answers him back again, she'll get a second one too.


----------



## Pathetic Shark (May 11, 2021)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (May 11, 2021)




----------



## Slime (May 11, 2021)




----------



## Slime (May 11, 2021)




----------



## ColchesterFC (May 11, 2021)




----------



## Slime (May 11, 2021)

I've just bought a second hand transistor radio from a jumble sale.

It's faulty as the volume is stuck on full! 


At £2, I just couldn't turn it down.


----------



## Smiffy (May 12, 2021)




----------



## bobmac (May 12, 2021)




----------



## Slime (May 12, 2021)




----------



## Slime (May 12, 2021)

What do we want?

More hearing aids!

When do we want them? 

More hearing aids!


----------



## Slime (May 12, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (May 13, 2021)




----------



## Mudball (May 13, 2021)




----------



## Doon frae Troon (May 13, 2021)

Mudball said:








Click to expand...

I would be very Interested to see if this post is taken down by the mods.
I posted a funny a lot less political than this a couple of weeks ago and it was removed toot sweet.


----------



## Mudball (May 13, 2021)

Doon frae Troon said:



			I would be very Interested to see if this post is taken down by the mods.
I posted a funny a lot less political than this a couple of weeks ago and it was removed toot sweet.
		
Click to expand...

I was not sure if i should post or not... but the joke is not the independence, but rather FUK bit..   so i posted it for FUK sake


----------



## Imurg (May 13, 2021)

Doon frae Troon said:



			I would be very Interested to see if this post is taken down by the mods.
I posted a funny a lot less political than this a couple of weeks ago and it was removed toot sweet.
		
Click to expand...

If you report it then it might....if they don't see it then it won't...
Feel the power...


----------



## Orikoru (May 13, 2021)

Mudball said:



			I was not sure if i should post or not... but the joke is not the independence, but rather FUK bit..   so i posted it for FUK sake
		
Click to expand...

Well then it gets taken down for language.


----------



## jim8flog (May 13, 2021)




----------



## Doon frae Troon (May 13, 2021)

Mudball said:



			I was not sure if i should post or not... but the joke is not the independence, but rather FUK bit..   so i posted it for FUK sake
		
Click to expand...

Just about 10 years late to be funny though..


----------



## Slime (May 13, 2021)

Me and my old rocking chair, we go back a long way.


----------



## Slime (May 13, 2021)

"Dad, can you tell me something about a solar eclipse?"

"No sun."


----------



## Imurg (May 13, 2021)




----------



## Slime (May 13, 2021)




----------



## Rooter (May 14, 2021)

Not sure how linking a tweet to a tiktok works, but here goes! This literally had me hurting through laughter yesterday


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1392384071334989826

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1392384071334989826


----------



## SatchFan (May 14, 2021)

Having made love to my girlfriend for the first time she whispered in my ear that I was the biggest she had ever been with Apparently, "Ditto" wasn't the correct response.


----------



## Orikoru (May 14, 2021)

Rooter said:



			Not sure how linking a tweet to a tiktok works, but here goes! This literally had me hurting through laughter yesterday


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1392384071334989826

Click to expand...

You thought that was funny? I would have gone with 'terrifying'. 🤨


----------



## AmandaJR (May 14, 2021)

Rooter said:



			Not sure how linking a tweet to a tiktok works, but here goes! This literally had me hurting through laughter yesterday


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1392384071334989826

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1392384071334989826

Click to expand...

That had me crying with laughter!


----------



## Slime (May 14, 2021)




----------



## Dando (May 14, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 36620

Click to expand...

i bet she still asked if it made her bum look big


----------



## Pants (May 14, 2021)

What a stupid handbag ..........


----------



## jim8flog (May 14, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 36620

Click to expand...


Still trying to work out if that is a real baby in the bag


----------



## Dando (May 14, 2021)

Mrs D has arrived home


----------



## Dando (May 15, 2021)




----------



## Slime (May 16, 2021)




----------



## Slime (May 17, 2021)




----------



## Dando (May 17, 2021)

Ryanair has recorded a loss of €815M. Presumably it was just €9.99 to begin with, then all the additional charges came in.


----------



## Blue in Munich (May 17, 2021)




----------



## Mudball (May 17, 2021)




----------



## Slime (May 17, 2021)

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of coins for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten pounds and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked."Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. I haven't played golf in 20 years!" 

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"



The man replied,"That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf!”


----------



## bobmac (May 18, 2021)

Wasn't sure where to post this video.....
*Deep Sleep Music - Ocean Waves, Fall Asleep Fast, Relaxing Music, Sleeping Music*

The video is 3 hours 4 mins long


----------



## Doon frae Troon (May 18, 2021)

The worlds most recognisable Scot is 20 today.


Shrek.


----------



## jim8flog (May 18, 2021)

Are you feeling like this


----------



## Smiffy (May 19, 2021)




----------



## Slime (May 19, 2021)

*If too rude, please delete!*

I went to a disco on Saturday. 
They played 'The twist', I did the twist.
They played 'Jump', I jumped. 
They played 'Come on Eileen'. 


I got thrown out for that one.


----------



## Slime (May 19, 2021)

A farmer buys himself a young cockerel named Rob. 
As soon as he gets it home it has sex with all the 150 hens, the farmer is impressed. 
At lunch the cock again has sex with all 150 hens. 
The next day, it's having sex with aa the ducks and the geese too! 
Sadly later in the day he finds Rob, the cockerel, lying on the ground half-dead with vultures circling overhead. 
The farmer says, "You deserve it, you horny bastard!" 
Rob the cockerel opens one eye, points up and says "Ssshhh. They're about to land!!"


----------



## Slime (May 19, 2021)

My autobiography went on sale today, but I didn't sell one single copy.

Story of my life.


----------



## Slime (May 19, 2021)

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. 
That day, he called his children to a meeting.
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do," the man continued, "is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. 

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heir line!                    


​


----------



## Italian outcast (May 19, 2021)

Slime said:



			There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald.
That day, he called his children to a meeting.
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do," the man continued, "is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heir line!                   

​​​

Click to expand...

_Homeric _


----------



## srixon 1 (May 19, 2021)

Always makes me smile when I see this. Some berk has put his stableford score into the gross score box in the computer. He got 94 points. Hole 16 is impressive as it is 598 yards long. 😂 However, the guy with the 2 on hole 9 is good because that is an a albatross on the 520 yard uphill par 5.


----------



## Mudball (May 20, 2021)

Fwd... 
HIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO. UK 

*AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN.
*
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. 
Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat. 
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. 
I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn' have long to wait. 
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. 
Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg. 
Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. 
I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me. 
The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn'nt managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. 
I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. 
This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me. 
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. 
The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering arhhh ooooohhh that feels good ahhh Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn'nt heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. 
I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasent the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect.


----------



## ColchesterFC (May 20, 2021)




----------



## Voyager EMH (May 20, 2021)

I wonder if the frozen sprout game could catch on.
Probably similar to paintball - everyone has a go coz it seems like fun - then the novelty wears off.


----------



## SatchFan (May 20, 2021)




----------



## Slime (May 21, 2021)




----------



## Slime (May 21, 2021)




----------



## ColchesterFC (May 21, 2021)

I went to the pub for lunch today. On the specials board they had Tomato soup for £3 or Oasis soup for £3-50. I said to the barman, "What's Oasis soup"? He replied, "it's the same as the tomato soup but you get a roll with it".


----------



## Slime (May 21, 2021)




----------



## Orikoru (May 21, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 36714

Click to expand...

I wish I could like this ten times. I have sent it directly to my wife.


----------



## srixon 1 (May 21, 2021)

I thought my nose was bleeding, but it's not.


----------



## Slime (May 21, 2021)

I've just started writing a book about hurricanes and tornados.

It’s only a draft at the moment...


----------



## Slime (May 21, 2021)

Been trying to write a book about Land Rover ownership.


But I just can't get it started!


----------



## Orikoru (May 21, 2021)

__
		https://www.reddit.com/r/golf/comments/nhm61d

😂


----------



## Smiffy (May 22, 2021)




----------



## clubchamp98 (May 22, 2021)

Mudball said:



			Fwd...
HIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO. UK

*AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN.*

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.
Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.
I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn' have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.
Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg.
Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.
I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me.
The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn'nt managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.
I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.
This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.
The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering arhhh ooooohhh that feels good ahhh Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn'nt heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.
I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasent the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect.
		
Click to expand...

Oh jeez that made me laugh.
Had a episode with Fiery Jack on my knee once.
But made sure I washed my hands.
That should be up for the Bookerprize.


----------



## Swinglowandslow (May 22, 2021)

clubchamp98 said:



			Oh jeez that made me laugh.
Had a episode with Fiery Jack on my knee once.
But made sure I washed my hands.
That should be up for the Bookerprize.
		
Click to expand...

And me.  One of those times when you're reading it, and can't read further cos of the tears blurring your vision 😂
Then you do, and you're off again with the laughing.
It is hilarious!


----------



## clubchamp98 (May 22, 2021)

Swinglowandslow said:



			And me.  One of those times when you're reading it, and can't read further cos of the tears blurring your vision 😂
Then you do, and you're off again with the laughing.
It is hilarious!
		
Click to expand...

I always visualise the scene when reading a book.
It’s what makes a book good imo.
That I can’t unsee


----------



## Slime (May 22, 2021)

What do we want?
More Mavis impersonators. 
When do we want them?
I don't really know.


----------



## Slime (May 22, 2021)

I think our house phone my have crossed lines with some shipping forecast number. 

Every night, blokes ring up asking if the coast is clear.


----------



## Slime (May 22, 2021)




----------



## Slime (May 22, 2021)

Told the doctor I'd heard noises coming from my underpants. 


He said ignore them, they're talking bollocks.


----------



## Slime (May 22, 2021)




----------



## Slime (May 22, 2021)




----------



## SocketRocket (May 22, 2021)

Slime said:



			What do we want?
More Mavis impersonators.
When do we want them?
I don't really know.
		
Click to expand...

What do we want?
Tourette's support groups.
When do we want them?
****  Off.


----------



## SocketRocket (May 22, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (May 22, 2021)




----------



## Mudball (May 22, 2021)

Swinglowandslow said:



			And me.  One of those times when you're reading it, and can't read further cos of the tears blurring your vision 😂
Then you do, and you're off again with the laughing.
It is hilarious!
		
Click to expand...

i was feeling the guys pain while i was reading it....  it made me laugh and cry at the same time..


----------



## Doon frae Troon (May 23, 2021)

No points for UK in Eurovision song contest..........feel the love.


----------



## Fade and Die (May 23, 2021)

Doon frae Troon said:



			No points for UK in Eurovision song contest..........feel the love.

Click to expand...

We should have sent Nigel Farage to sing Rule Britannia instead. 🇬🇧 😁


----------



## williamalex1 (May 23, 2021)

Doon frae Troon said:



			No points for UK in Eurovision song contest..........feel the love.

Click to expand...

I'm not in the least bit surprised, it's supposed to be a song contest, so having a good song and a good singer might help a bit.
But they just don't like us.
Bring back Sir Cliff , congratulations


----------



## AmandaJR (May 23, 2021)

I'd heard the song and thought it was decent but his performance wasn't. His voice sounded off and think the nerves may have got to him. Plus the staging was just a bit nothing and hardly caught the eye like most of them. Mind you to be beaten by the German is a major insult as that was shockingly bad even by Eurovision standards.


----------



## Fade and Die (May 23, 2021)

AmandaJR said:



			I'd heard the song and thought it was decent but his performance wasn't. His voice sounded off and think the nerves may have got to him. Plus the staging was just a bit nothing and hardly caught the eye like most of them. Mind you to be beaten by the German is a major insult as that was shockingly bad even by Eurovision standards.
		
Click to expand...

We are marginally less popular than the Germans! 😂

I was sticking up for the French girl and was glad we have her douze points.


----------



## AmandaJR (May 23, 2021)

Fade and Die said:



			We are marginally less popular than the Germans! 😂

I was sticking up for the French girl and was glad we have her douze points.
		
Click to expand...

There were quite a few I liked


----------



## Blue in Munich (May 23, 2021)

35 seconds in...


----------



## Blue in Munich (May 23, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (May 23, 2021)




----------



## bobmac (May 23, 2021)

Blue in Munich said:








35 seconds in... 

Click to expand...

Wow, someone in charge of a sport using his discretion


----------



## Slime (May 23, 2021)

A commander walks into a bar ..................................................... and orders everyone around.


----------



## Slime (May 23, 2021)

My neighbour is having underwear stolen from her washing line.
When she told me she'd got the police involved, I nearly crapped her pants!


----------



## Slime (May 23, 2021)

.................. and here's the answer!


----------



## Slime (May 23, 2021)




----------



## bobmac (May 24, 2021)




----------



## SocketRocket (May 24, 2021)




----------



## Slime (May 24, 2021)




----------



## Dando (May 24, 2021)




----------



## clubchamp98 (May 24, 2021)

Doon frae Troon said:



			No points for UK in Eurovision song contest..........feel the love.

Click to expand...

We could send Coldplay backed by Take That for the harmonies and we would still get 0 points.
Don’t know why we bother.


----------



## rudebhoy (May 25, 2021)

A true story, and maybe not the best of taste, but this made me laugh

https://amp.theguardian.com/world/2...&utm_source=Twitter&__twitter_impression=true


----------



## spongebob59 (May 25, 2021)

Contains swearing !


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1397015118882525185


----------



## Pathetic Shark (May 25, 2021)

That scumbag who runs Ryanair complaining about Belarus forcing one of their planes to land as "state-sponsored piracy".
As opposed to the plain (plane) piracy he has been doing for the last 20 years.


----------



## ColchesterFC (May 25, 2021)

I went out for lunch yesterday and asked the waitress, "Can I ask you about the menu please"? She replied, "No you can't, the men I please are none of your business".


----------



## bobmac (May 25, 2021)

Pathetic Shark said:



			That scumbag who runs Ryanair complaining about Belarus forcing one of their planes to land as "state-sponsored piracy".
As opposed to the plain (plane) piracy he has been doing for the last 20 years.
		
Click to expand...

Not so funny when you learn why the plane was forced down and what happened to the guy who was dragged off the plane.


----------



## jim8flog (May 25, 2021)




----------



## Blue in Munich (May 25, 2021)




----------



## Crazyface (May 25, 2021)

clubchamp98 said:



			We could send Coldplay backed by Take That for the harmonies and we would still get 0 points.
Don’t know why we bother.
		
Click to expand...

We bother because for what the BBC pay for it, and to mess about sorting an entry, gives them 2 hours of TV on a Tuesday  and Thursday night, and 4 hours of TV on a prime slot on a SAturday night, and it's comparatively cheap TV.  And this years songs were mostly very good. Not always the case. I loved the outcome this year, with the public showing their distain for the so called experts vote. Switzerland in the lead and then shoot on by the public. Brilliant TV. But Italy to win? How? When Europe spurns heavy rock in all it's forms then votes one in to win. Very odd. 

If only Mr Norton could be removed and a better presenter found. He's not even interested. You can hear it in his voice.


----------



## Mudball (May 25, 2021)

Crazyface said:



			We bother because for what the BBC pay for it, and to mess about sorting an entry, gives them 2 hours of TV on a Tuesday  and Thursday night, and 4 hours of TV on a prime slot on a SAturday night, and it's comparatively cheap TV.  And this years songs were mostly very good. Not always the case. I loved the outcome this year, with the public showing their distain for the so called experts vote. Switzerland in the lead and then shoot on by the public. Brilliant TV. But Italy to win? How? When Europe spurns heavy rock in all it's forms then votes one in to win. Very odd.

If only Mr Norton could be removed and a better presenter found. He's not even interested. You can hear it in his voice.
		
Click to expand...

Am i allowed to say that I am probably the only one who has never watched a single EV show...  i just see the news, and that gives me all the talking point.  This year, i did watch the clip of the Italian winner.  I like a bit of old fashion rock rather than some underage bubblegum song that is designed to not hurt anyones feelings..


----------



## clubchamp98 (May 25, 2021)

Mudball said:



			Am i allowed to say that I am probably the only one who has never watched a single EV show...  i just see the news, and that gives me all the talking point.  This year, i did watch the clip of the Italian winner.  I like a bit of old fashion rock rather than some underage bubblegum song that is designed to not hurt anyones feelings..
		
Click to expand...

Yes I quite liked the winning song.
But even the Germans sang in English, we can’t even beat countries that sing in our language.
It’s far to petty and political.


----------



## Doon frae Troon (May 25, 2021)

clubchamp98 said:



			Yes I quite liked the winning song.
But even the Germans sang in English, we can’t even beat countries that sing in our language.
It’s far to petty and political.
		
Click to expand...

Alyn Smith: Time to 'talk seriously' about Scotland entering Eurovision | The National 
Here is the answer........Europe loves Scotland.


----------



## Fade and Die (May 25, 2021)

clubchamp98 said:



			Yes I quite liked the winning song.
But even the Germans sang in English, we can’t even beat countries that sing in our language.
It’s far to *petty and political.*

Click to expand...




Doon frae Troon said:



Alyn Smith: Time to 'talk seriously' about Scotland entering Eurovision | The National
Here is the answer........Europe loves Scotland.

Click to expand...

Thought this would appeal to you! 😂😂😂


----------



## SwingsitlikeHogan (May 25, 2021)

bobmac said:









Click to expand...

i remember as a family us all watching that - we were great fans of IaK - and watching it today it still brings tears to my eyes.  Thank you, thank you, for posting.


----------



## SatchFan (May 25, 2021)

Here we see the first image of a footballer getting his vaccine.


----------



## Slime (May 25, 2021)

When you stand on a piece of Lego!


----------



## Slime (May 25, 2021)

I once lived just a stones throw away from a family who all died from mysterious head injuries.


----------



## Slime (May 25, 2021)

Before my operation the anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.


It was an ether/oar situation.


----------



## Voyager EMH (May 25, 2021)

A few years ago, Mrs V and I went on a cruise down the Bay of Biscay. We were really looking forward to a stroll around Santander, but when we got there, it took ages to get off the boat. We found out what the problem was.
They had put all the Basques in one exit.

Cue tumbleweed.


----------



## Voyager EMH (May 25, 2021)

Our boiler packed up after over 30 years of good service. New one is good, but so much more complicated, First morning after installation; I came downstairs to check that all was well. There was this message scrolling across the little digital screen, it read, “Should have got a better boiler than this, you idiot.”
I realised what I’d done.
I had bought a condescending boiler.

I’ll get me coat.


----------



## clubchamp98 (May 25, 2021)

Doon frae Troon said:



Alyn Smith: Time to 'talk seriously' about Scotland entering Eurovision | The National
Here is the answer........Europe loves Scotland.

Click to expand...

Tbh I agree with him.
We are four separate countries and as such should put our own singers in.
After all we don’t put a UK team in the Euros or World Cup.


----------



## ColchesterFC (May 25, 2021)

clubchamp98 said:



			Tbh I agree with him.
We are four separate countries and as such should put our own singers in.
*After all we don’t put a UK team in the Euros or World Cup.*

Click to expand...

Yes, but that's only because no Welsh, Scots or Northern Irish players would get in the UK team.


----------



## Dando (May 25, 2021)




----------



## Doon frae Troon (May 25, 2021)

ColchesterFC said:



			Yes, but that's only because no Welsh, Scots or Northern Irish players would get in the UK team. 

Click to expand...

That kind of response is a good example of why the UK always gets No Points.


----------



## SocketRocket (May 25, 2021)

Doon frae Troon said:



			That kind of response is a good example of why the UK always gets No Points.

Click to expand...

And yours 🙄


----------



## larmen (May 26, 2021)

clubchamp98 said:



			Tbh I agree with him.
We are four separate countries and as such should put our own singers in.
After all we don’t put a UK team in the Euros or World Cup.
		
Click to expand...

Just think about what could have been happening if you would have combined the English team and ... Giggs.


----------



## bobmac (May 26, 2021)

SwingsitlikeHogan said:



			i remember as a family us all watching that - we were great fans of IaK - and watching it today it still brings tears to my eyes.  Thank you, thank you, for posting.
		
Click to expand...

Ah, the happy rose tinted 70s with the minors strike, power cuts and the 3 day week, when no-one told us what to be offended about. I cared not a jot as it all meant I could play more golf.


----------



## jim8flog (May 26, 2021)

Is it OK to ask for a doggie bag at an 'all you can eat' buffet?


----------



## clubchamp98 (May 26, 2021)

larmen said:



			Just think about what could have been happening if you would have combined the English team and ... Giggs.
		
Click to expand...

Yes but it would be Giggs fault if we lost!!


----------



## Dando (May 26, 2021)

Bnga

That’s bang out of order


----------



## Slime (May 26, 2021)

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?


Virgin mobile.


----------



## Deleted Member 1156 (May 26, 2021)

clubchamp98 said:



			Tbh I agree with him.
We are four separate countries and as such should put our own singers in.
After all we don’t put a UK team in the Euros or World Cup.
		
Click to expand...

So that will be 4 teams getting nil points 😂


----------



## SocketRocket (May 26, 2021)




----------



## Dando (May 26, 2021)

Someone broke into my local and stole the limbo pole.
How low can some people go


----------



## ColchesterFC (May 27, 2021)




----------



## Mudball (May 27, 2021)




----------



## Crazyface (May 27, 2021)

clubchamp98 said:



			Yes I quite liked the winning song.
But even the Germans sang in English, we can’t even beat countries that sing in our language.
It’s far to petty and political.
		
Click to expand...

When the jury votes are cast this is true, but the public are not political. They all hate us now and that's why we don't get any votes from anywhere.


----------



## jim8flog (May 27, 2021)




----------



## clubchamp98 (May 27, 2021)

Crazyface said:



			When the jury votes are cast this is true, but the public are not political. They all hate us now and that's why we don't get any votes from anywhere.[/QUOTE
		
Click to expand...

Unless they want us to spend our money in their holiday resorts.
Then they tolerate us.
That’s a joke!


----------



## Fade and Die (May 27, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (May 28, 2021)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (May 28, 2021)

Following on from the "what course would you most like to play" and "what sporting event would you most like to attend",  any chance of a "who would you most like to ....     " thread?

No thought not.


----------



## Voyager EMH (May 28, 2021)

Pathetic Shark said:



			Following on from the "what course would you most like to play" and "what sporting event would you most like to attend",  any chance of a "who would you most like to ....     " thread?

No thought not.
		
Click to expand...

...play golf with?


----------



## Slime (May 28, 2021)




----------



## Slime (May 28, 2021)

I was walking down the street the other day when I slipped on a pile of dog poop.
A few seconds later I saw another bloke do exactly the same.
I said "I just did that".
So he punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard!


----------



## Blue in Munich (May 28, 2021)

Pathetic Shark said:



			Following on from the "what course would you most like to play" and "what sporting event would you most like to attend",  any chance of a "who would you most like to ....     " thread?

No thought not.
		
Click to expand...




Voyager EMH said:



			...play golf with?
		
Click to expand...

Well I think it involves balls and a hole but there the similarity ends...


----------



## Dando (May 28, 2021)

Just rang a hotel at random. 
When the receptionist answered she said, “Hello, Best Western”.

So I replied, “True Grit, starring John Wayne. Goodbye” and hung up


----------



## srixon 1 (May 28, 2021)

Steve Coogan. Sorry, wrong thread.


----------



## Slime (May 28, 2021)




----------



## Dando (May 29, 2021)

Can’t believe my nans fallen for another dodgy Greek waiter while on holiday


----------



## Dando (May 30, 2021)

Be warned that tomorrow you can’t walk certain breeds of black and white dog as it’s a ban collie day


----------



## Slime (May 30, 2021)




----------



## Slime (May 30, 2021)

My wife texted me yesterday, "Your lovely."
I texted back, "No, you're lovely."
Now she is walking around the house singing. 


It's amazing how correcting someone's grammar can have that effect.


----------



## Slime (May 30, 2021)




----------



## AmandaJR (Jun 2, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Jun 2, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jun 2, 2021)

I went to this really disgusting pub today, it's called The Fiddle.

It really is a vile inn.


----------



## Slime (Jun 2, 2021)




----------



## bobmac (Jun 3, 2021)

The wife's face is black and blue, she has a broken nose and can only see out of one eye.

What happened ?

A bee landed on her nose in the kitchen.

Did it sting her?

It was going to but luckily there was a heavy frying pan handy.


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Jun 3, 2021)

Just had the best scam phone call ever.

"This is a call from the National Crime Agency.  We have noticed a series of dubious transactions on your National Insurance number.  It will be suspended unless you take immediate action. Please stay on the line and one of our representatives will be available to help you".

Unfortunately I was not able to stay on the line as I had to defur the kettle.  Anyone who falls for anything like that deserves to lose everything and not be allowed to bitch/complain/cry to the banks/media for what happens to them.


----------



## Orikoru (Jun 3, 2021)

Pathetic Shark said:



			Just had the best scam phone call ever.

"This is a call from the National Crime Agency.  We have noticed a series of dubious transactions on your National Insurance number.  It will be suspended unless you take immediate action. Please stay on the line and one of our representatives will be available to help you".

Unfortunately I was not able to stay on the line as I had to defur the kettle.  Anyone who falls for anything like that deserves to lose everything and not be allowed to bitch/complain/cry to the banks/media for what happens to them.
		
Click to expand...

I get quite a few calls from mobile numbers where you answer it, there's a pause and then a robot voice starts talking - I just hang up immediately. I hope no genuine companies are using robot voices for their calls because I won't be listening!


----------



## Sats (Jun 3, 2021)

Pathetic Shark said:



			Just had the best scam phone call ever.

"This is a call from the National Crime Agency.  We have noticed a series of dubious transactions on your National Insurance number.  It will be suspended unless you take immediate action. Please stay on the line and one of our representatives will be available to help you".

Unfortunately I was not able to stay on the line as I had to defur the kettle.  Anyone who falls for anything like that deserves to lose everything and not be allowed to bitch/complain/cry to the banks/media for what happens to them.
		
Click to expand...

I just wait and ask for the details to be sent to my work email. Funny enough when I get to the ".police.pnn.uk" bit they hang up  
Though not sure I agree with the anyone who falls for it - think of the vulnerable or say someone with autism - I mean I can't say to someone that's been beaten up - It's your fault you got assaulted because you can't fight back properly.


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Jun 3, 2021)

Sats said:



			I just wait and ask for the details to be sent to my work email. Funny enough when I get to the ".police.pnn.uk" bit they hang up 
Though not sure I agree with the anyone who falls for it - think of the vulnerable or say someone with autism - I mean I can't say to someone that's been beaten up - It's your fault you got assaulted because you can't fight back properly.
		
Click to expand...

I know what you mean but when you read some "sob story" in the papers about an idiot woman who has sent over £50K in various installments to someone she has only spoken to on-line ... sorry no sympathy at all.


----------



## Slime (Jun 3, 2021)




----------



## Swinglowandslow (Jun 3, 2021)

Pathetic Shark said:



			I know what you mean but when you read some "sob story" in the papers about an idiot woman who has sent over £50K in various installments to someone she has only spoken to on-line ... sorry no sympathy at all.
		
Click to expand...

It's natural to think, " oh , how the hell did they fall for that one.?"  Etc
But you need to think that not all people are as adequate as you are now.
Will you be like that when 80 and living alone, possibly?
This society has many inadequate ( against con artists etc ), meek, and very decent people who just want to live their lives in peace.
They should be protected.
As a society now, there is too much tolerance of ' streetwise wide boys', and the Calvera ( magnificent seven) mantra " If God didn't want them to be fleeced, he wouldn't have made them sheep".


----------



## Beedee (Jun 3, 2021)

Pathetic Shark said:



			Just had the best scam phone call ever.

"This is a call from the National Crime Agency.  We have noticed a series of dubious transactions on your National Insurance number.  It will be suspended unless you take immediate action. Please stay on the line and one of our representatives will be available to help you".

Unfortunately I was not able to stay on the line as I had to defur the kettle.  Anyone who falls for anything like that deserves to lose everything and not be allowed to bitch/complain/cry to the banks/media for what happens to them.
		
Click to expand...

I know everyone's sense of humour is different, but I'm not 100% sure this classes as "Laughter the best medicine".


----------



## Slime (Jun 3, 2021)




----------



## williamalex1 (Jun 3, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 36924

Click to expand...


----------



## Slime (Jun 3, 2021)




----------



## Orikoru (Jun 4, 2021)

I've just received an out of office message that says "I am currently out of the office returning on Monday 20th August 2018". Didn't realise I was working with a time traveller!


----------



## ColchesterFC (Jun 4, 2021)

Saw an advert on Facebook from someone who was giving away a three seater sofa and two armchairs free. I was going to have them but then remembered that my mum always told me not to accept suites from strangers.


----------



## Slime (Jun 4, 2021)




----------



## Smiffy (Jun 5, 2021)




----------



## Imurg (Jun 5, 2021)

Smiffy said:



View attachment 36936

Click to expand...

Clearly you HAVE played with Fragger


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Jun 5, 2021)

Imurg said:



			Clearly you HAVE played with Fragger

Click to expand...

Yes but the weird thing is that I often make the gap, but still miss the green the size of Wales with a hazard free shot 

Go figure


----------



## Slime (Jun 5, 2021)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Jun 6, 2021)




----------



## Italian outcast (Jun 6, 2021)

This made me smile 
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-57374984


----------



## williamalex1 (Jun 6, 2021)

Italian outcast said:



			This made me smile
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-57374984

Click to expand...

There's a lot of monkey business in Cambuslang


----------



## Italian outcast (Jun 6, 2021)

williamalex1 said:



			There's a lot of monkey business in Cambuslang 

Click to expand...

Was just glad to see that your PP was back safe & sound


----------



## williamalex1 (Jun 6, 2021)

Italian outcast said:



			Was just glad to see that your PP was back safe & sound 

Click to expand...

WP lol


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Jun 7, 2021)




----------



## Pin-seeker (Jun 7, 2021)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1401544799711281153
😂😂😂


----------



## sweaty sock (Jun 8, 2021)

The weatherspoons owner had me laughing uncontrollably this morning.  No further comment, too political.


----------



## Slime (Jun 8, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jun 8, 2021)




----------



## Mudball (Jun 9, 2021)

Great British sausages not allowed into Northern Ireland?

Well, Boris did sign a deal that ended the link. Probably one of his wurst decisions.


----------



## Mudball (Jun 9, 2021)




----------



## Doon frae Troon (Jun 10, 2021)

Yes, Minister - EuroSausage - Bing video 
History repeating itself.


----------



## SocketRocket (Jun 10, 2021)

Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter flight for four people? 
I'm still looking for two more people to join us. We leave early Saturday (July 3rd) morning from Bristol Airport and will fly to St Ives Marina where we will have breakfast and then onto a yacht for lunch.

We’ll do a flight along the coast to see the seals and dolphins then returning to the marina and go out for dinner, then fly back home.

If interested please PM me.

Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go.


----------



## SocketRocket (Jun 10, 2021)

PhilTheFragger said:



View attachment 36972

Click to expand...

I used to like tractors.

I'm an ex-tractor fan.


----------



## Dando (Jun 10, 2021)

I thought I’d treat myself, so I’ve bought a first aid kit


----------



## Imurg (Jun 10, 2021)

Dando said:



			I thought I’d treat myself, so I’ve bought a first aid kit
		
Click to expand...

God, I want your lifestyle...First aid kits, awnings, batteries, solar stuff....just so Rock'n'Roll...


----------



## Dando (Jun 10, 2021)

Imurg said:



			God, I want your lifestyle...First aid kits, awnings, batteries, solar stuff....just so Rock'n'Roll...

Click to expand...

you wouldn’t be able to cope mate


----------



## Slime (Jun 10, 2021)

Does anyone want my old copies of Chiropractor Monthly? 

I’ve got loads of back issues.


----------



## Slime (Jun 10, 2021)

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped all of our MPs during a sitting of parliament, and they're asking for a £100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Oh, about a gallon."


----------



## Imurg (Jun 10, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Jun 11, 2021)

My nan just called and said she hates her stairlift.
it’s driving her up the wall


----------



## Dando (Jun 11, 2021)

My wife is furious that our young neighbour next door has started gardening nude. 

Personally, I’m on the fence.


----------



## ADB (Jun 11, 2021)

I had to go to the doctors to get a steering wheel removed from my pants, it was driving me nuts


----------



## Slime (Jun 11, 2021)

I accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles today.


My next poo could spell disaster!


----------



## rulefan (Jun 11, 2021)




----------



## rulefan (Jun 11, 2021)




----------



## SatchFan (Jun 11, 2021)

His arrival was foretold by our ancestors in ancient rock paintings.


----------



## Slime (Jun 11, 2021)

I got arrested last night for continuously playing Engleburt Humperdinck records.



Police released me, let me go.


----------



## Slime (Jun 12, 2021)




----------



## SatchFan (Jun 12, 2021)




----------



## SatchFan (Jun 12, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jun 12, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jun 12, 2021)




----------



## bobmac (Jun 12, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jun 12, 2021)

My mate advised me to put a tenner on a horse called 'Landfill'.



It turned out to be a rubbish tip.


----------



## Slime (Jun 12, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jun 13, 2021)




----------



## funkycoldmedina (Jun 13, 2021)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Jun 13, 2021)




----------



## SocketRocket (Jun 13, 2021)

ColchesterFC said:



View attachment 37043

Click to expand...

Portaloo, couldn't break through if I wanted to.


----------



## rulefan (Jun 13, 2021)




----------



## Pants (Jun 13, 2021)

This morning my wife thought she saw a cockroach in the kitchen. She sprayed everything and cleaned every surface thoroughly.  

Tomorrow I’m putting the cockroach in the bathroom.


----------



## bobmac (Jun 14, 2021)




----------



## Mudball (Jun 14, 2021)

Dan Wooton "what did you think of the players taking the knee?"
Lord Sugar : "Oh, I think it's ridiculous.  If the players want to take the knee and want to make the statement, let them do it," he insisted.
Dan then wondered aloud: "Have you taken the knee?"
Lord Sugar seemed confused as he asked him to repeat the question, before saying: "Where would I take the knee?!"
*"In Sainsbury's?" *he mocked as Dan tried to explain his question.

I see Sugar is back on Telly..  makes you chuckle once in a while..


----------



## Dando (Jun 14, 2021)




----------



## Mudball (Jun 14, 2021)

*WEMBLEY TICKETS....*
England v Scotland
Fri 18th June 2021
KO 2000hrs

One of my mates has two spare tickets in a corporate box for the England v Scotland game. He paid £300 each, but he didn't realise when he bought them that it was going to be the same day as his Covid 19 postponed wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.

It's at Bolton Registry Office, at 2.30pm. The bride's name is Moira, she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook.


----------



## SatchFan (Jun 14, 2021)

They obviously didn't sell very well.


----------



## Foxholer (Jun 14, 2021)

bobmac said:



View attachment 37057

Click to expand...

Renowned fatal accident blackspot!


----------



## Crow (Jun 14, 2021)

Dando said:



View attachment 37060

Click to expand...

 That is just not funny.


----------



## Slime (Jun 14, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jun 14, 2021)




----------



## SatchFan (Jun 14, 2021)




----------



## bobmac (Jun 15, 2021)

Q. Which is better, making love to your wife or watching a rugby international?
A. Rugby obviously, you get 40 minutes each way and a band at half time.


----------



## Lord Tyrion (Jun 15, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Jun 15, 2021)

Sorry for the sweary word


----------



## bobmac (Jun 15, 2021)




----------



## spongebob59 (Jun 15, 2021)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1404842399038324736


----------



## Slime (Jun 15, 2021)




----------



## Voyager EMH (Jun 16, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jun 16, 2021)

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.


----------



## Slime (Jun 16, 2021)




----------



## rulefan (Jun 17, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jun 17, 2021)




----------



## spongebob59 (Jun 18, 2021)

Interesting Stat.  Wales are unbeaten since Ryan Giggs left.
So is his Ex.


----------



## Dando (Jun 18, 2021)




----------



## arnieboy (Jun 18, 2021)

Dando said:



View attachment 37114

Click to expand...

I am thinking about taking you lot and all my mates to court for harassment and causing alarm and distress to a lifelong Spurs supporter.
Take pity for goodness sake!


----------



## Slime (Jun 18, 2021)




----------



## spongebob59 (Jun 19, 2021)

More chance of Shamia Begum coming home than football!!


----------



## bobmac (Jun 19, 2021)

If you're at home and you need to use the 'facilities' and they are occupied, turn off the WI-FI


----------



## SatchFan (Jun 19, 2021)

Just been to the best burger van ever. It was so good it had four Michelin tyres.


----------



## Slime (Jun 19, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jun 19, 2021)

Me: "I went on a sailing course at Poole"

My mate: "In Dorset?"

Me: "Oh yeah, I highly recommend it"                     
​


----------



## Slime (Jun 19, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jun 19, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jun 19, 2021)




----------



## yandabrown (Jun 20, 2021)

It's father's day and the winner of the best Dad joke competition is:

"_I once hired a limo but when it arrived, the guy driving it walked off!
I said "Excuse me? Are you not going to drive me?"
The guy told me that the price didn't include a driver…
… so I'd spent £400 on a limo and have nothing to chauffeur it!_ "


----------



## Slime (Jun 20, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jun 20, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Jun 20, 2021)

Someone told me to use WD40 to get rid of mice.
It doesn’t work but it stops them squeaking


----------



## Pants (Jun 20, 2021)

Does Geri Halliwell know he's got her knickers?


----------



## Slime (Jun 21, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jun 21, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jun 21, 2021)

I used to go out with a girl that couldn't stop counting. 


I wonder what she's up to now?


----------



## fundy (Jun 21, 2021)

Good friend of mine backed Rahm to win the US Open

Or he thought he did, spent all weekend cheering him on only to find out hed backed him for the Open in 4 weeks time 🤣🤣🤣


----------



## Mudball (Jun 21, 2021)

Dido Harding wants to heads the NHS...


----------



## Dando (Jun 22, 2021)

I’ve been diagnosed with auto correct syndrome and yet I don’t feel I’ll


----------



## Slime (Jun 24, 2021)




----------



## Orikoru (Jun 24, 2021)




----------



## Doon frae Troon (Jun 24, 2021)

Boris the Bad wants all British schools to loudly sing the new 'Britain is great woo woo hokey cokey' song on the 25th July as they breakup for the summer.

NI, Welsh and Scots schools will already have broken up for holidays before 25th July.


----------



## Fade and Die (Jun 24, 2021)

Doon frae Troon said:



			Boris the Bad wants all British schools to loudly sing the new 'Britain is great woo woo hokey cokey' song on the 25th July as they breakup for the summer.

NI, Welsh and Scots schools will already have broken up for holidays before 25th July. 

Click to expand...


----------



## jim8flog (Jun 24, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jun 24, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jun 24, 2021)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1373382736874983425


----------



## spongebob59 (Jun 24, 2021)




----------



## Smiffy (Jun 25, 2021)




----------



## SocketRocket (Jun 25, 2021)




----------



## backwoodsman (Jun 25, 2021)

Well, the sign on the gatepost made me laugh...


----------



## NearHull (Jun 26, 2021)

backwoodsman said:



			Well, the sign on the gatepost made me laugh...
View attachment 37253

Click to expand...

Did someone take offence?


----------



## fundy (Jun 26, 2021)

I’m off to blindfold archery tomorrow. It’s brilliant. If you haven’t tried it you don’t know what you’re missing


----------



## Doon frae Troon (Jun 26, 2021)

Janey Godley.......she is having a lot of fun at the moment.


----------



## Slime (Jun 26, 2021)

Does anyone know if it's possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and use it on somebody who isn't family? 


Arse skin for a friend.


----------



## Slime (Jun 26, 2021)

I keep having these strange dreams about titled men riding horses.



That's 3 knights on the trot.


----------



## Slime (Jun 26, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jun 26, 2021)

I told my therapist about my compulsion to methodically disrupt live musical performances. 


She said, “That’s disconcerting.”


----------



## bobmac (Jun 26, 2021)

When composers die, do they decompose ?


----------



## Lord Tyrion (Jun 26, 2021)

fundy said:



			I’m off to blindfold archery tomorrow. It’s brilliant. If you haven’t tried it you don’t know what you’re missing
		
Click to expand...

I sent this on to my cousin as it made me laugh, I like silly. He came back and said 'sounds odd but if you enjoy it.....'. Genuinely 🤣🤣


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Jun 26, 2021)

fundy said:



			I’m off to blindfold archery tomorrow. It’s brilliant. If you haven’t tried it you don’t know what you’re missing
		
Click to expand...

Actually visually impaired archery is a thing, but a cracking joke Grommet 👍


----------



## Dando (Jun 26, 2021)




----------



## fundy (Jun 26, 2021)

hope this is ok Fragger


----------



## Dando (Jun 27, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Jun 27, 2021)

I know a guy who lives just outside of Chernobyl in the Ukraine. He recently watched the Chernobyl drama on TV and said he counted nine factual inaccuracies on one hand


----------



## Dando (Jun 29, 2021)




----------



## Orikoru (Jun 29, 2021)

Err what are they trying to say?


----------



## rulefan (Jun 29, 2021)

Orikoru said:



View attachment 37287


Err what are they trying to say?
		
Click to expand...

It's so good you'll never leave.


----------



## jim8flog (Jun 29, 2021)

Orikoru said:



View attachment 37287


Err what are they trying to say?
		
Click to expand...


The review was left by a ghost writer


----------



## yandabrown (Jun 29, 2021)

rulefan said:



			It's so good you'll never leave.
		
Click to expand...

Northwood = California? Who knew!


----------



## Dando (Jun 29, 2021)

Orikoru said:



View attachment 37287


Err what are they trying to say?
		
Click to expand...

Is that for the old farts next year?


----------



## rulefan (Jun 29, 2021)

For the return flight


----------



## Mudball (Jun 29, 2021)

Ahh.. the B word comes into play.. thank God we did not have to go to the P word (Penalties)

https://www.thelondoneconomic.com/p...redit-england-win-on-uk-split-with-eu-278938/


----------



## Slime (Jun 29, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jun 29, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jun 29, 2021)




----------



## yandabrown (Jun 30, 2021)




----------



## spongebob59 (Jun 30, 2021)




----------



## Mudball (Jul 1, 2021)

Love the reaction from the guy who was harassing Dr Whity.. ‘I feel let down … ‘ pot & kettle


.


----------



## Slime (Jul 1, 2021)




----------



## karenburton1305 (Jul 1, 2021)

Pants said:



			Does Geri Halliwell know he's got her knickers?
View attachment 37149

Click to expand...

This really tickled me ahahaha!


----------



## Dando (Jul 1, 2021)




----------



## SatchFan (Jul 1, 2021)

Recreate the Hungry Hippos game by tipping a bag of Maltesers on the floor at a Weight Watchers meeting.


----------



## Mudball (Jul 1, 2021)




----------



## larmen (Jul 1, 2021)

Not sure if it belongs here or in the bargain thread:

Next week Lidl is selling golf gear


----------



## SocketRocket (Jul 2, 2021)




----------



## Mudball (Jul 2, 2021)

This takes new kid advice to next level...    anyone done anything similar?


----------



## DRW (Jul 2, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Jul 2, 2021)

larmen said:



			Not sure if it belongs here or in the bargain thread:

Next week Lidl is selling golf gear
		
Click to expand...

It definitely belongs in the bargain thread. The Crivit golf shoes are great, especially at the price and they normally sell bamboo golf tees at very reasonable cost.

Just checked - sadly they are not doing the leather shoes that I have worn for years.

but one dozen 3 piece balls that price has to be a bargain (German company I wonder if they are Vice balls?)


----------



## Mudball (Jul 2, 2021)




----------



## Pants (Jul 2, 2021)

I took my grandfather to one of those fish spas where little fish eat away all the dead skin.   

It cost £35 but was still a lot cheaper than a funeral.


----------



## Slime (Jul 2, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Jul 2, 2021)

Well thats the stool sample sorted


----------



## Dando (Jul 2, 2021)

I know this is a show off post but I had to share!! When you work hard all your life and you are doing so well you can treat yourself right ..I can’t express the happiness I am feeling right now. White was the only colour but it doesn’t matter.
I’ve just purchased these 4 chairs


----------



## Slime (Jul 3, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jul 3, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jul 3, 2021)




----------



## williamalex1 (Jul 3, 2021)

Dando said:



			I know this is a show off post but I had to share!! When you work hard all your life and you are doing so well you can treat yourself right ..I can’t express the happiness I am feeling right now. White was the only colour but it doesn’t matter.
I’ve just purchased these 4 chairs
View attachment 37351

Click to expand...

Isn't it a 5 seater


----------



## Maninblack4612 (Jul 5, 2021)

rulefan said:



View attachment 37372

Click to expand...

You've used a copyright image owned by Alamy. Sellers of stock images are known to sue in cases of unauthorised use. Getty Images are particularly ruthless.


----------



## Mudball (Jul 5, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Jul 5, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jul 5, 2021)

What do you call a magician that's lost his magic?


Ian.


----------



## Slime (Jul 5, 2021)




----------



## rulefan (Jul 5, 2021)




----------



## rulefan (Jul 6, 2021)

Heard a Dr. on TV say to get through the bordom of self isolation we should finish things we start and thus have more calm in our lives. So I looked through the house to  find all the things i've started but hadn't finished...so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.


----------



## rulefan (Jul 6, 2021)




----------



## toyboy54 (Jul 6, 2021)

rulefan said:



View attachment 37394

Click to expand...


UP YOURS!!!!


----------



## Doon frae Troon (Jul 7, 2021)

The difference between humans and animals is that animals will generally chose the most intelligent and strongest one to lead them.


----------



## Rooter (Jul 7, 2021)

Denmark flags have sold out in Glasgow.


----------



## GreiginFife (Jul 7, 2021)

Rooter said:



			Denmark flags have sold out in Glasgow.
		
Click to expand...

It's a nice flag...


----------



## Maninblack4612 (Jul 7, 2021)

Rooter said:



			Denmark flags have sold out in Glasgow.
		
Click to expand...

Denmark has its pros & cons but its flag is a big plus.


----------



## Rooter (Jul 7, 2021)

Maninblack4612 said:



			Denmark has its pros & cons but its flag is a big plus.
		
Click to expand...


Whoa whoa whoa!! That is a Switzerland only gag.


----------



## NearHull (Jul 7, 2021)

Maninblack4612 said:



			Denmark has its pros & cons but its flag is a big plus.
		
Click to expand...

Whilst I like your joke, it did take a full 11 minutes to post.  Can this be considered as ‘Slow Play’?


----------



## jim8flog (Jul 7, 2021)

NearHull said:



			Whilst I like your joke, it did take a full 11 minutes to post.  Can this be considered as ‘Slow Play’?
		
Click to expand...

No, just a red flag offence.


----------



## Slime (Jul 7, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Jul 8, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jul 8, 2021)




----------



## Swinglowandslow (Jul 9, 2021)

rulefan said:



			Heard a Dr. on TV say to get through the bordom of self isolation we should finish things we start and thus have more calm in our lives. So I looked through the house to  find all the things i've started but hadn't finished...so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.
		
Click to expand...

I couldn't read the end of this through the tears!  Brilliant


----------



## Blue in Munich (Jul 9, 2021)




----------



## fundy (Jul 9, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jul 10, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jul 10, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jul 10, 2021)




----------



## Italian outcast (Jul 10, 2021)

Slime said:








Click to expand...

have a stupid like


----------



## jim8flog (Jul 11, 2021)

It  took me a moment or two to work this one out


----------



## Slime (Jul 12, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jul 12, 2021)




----------



## rudebhoy (Jul 12, 2021)




----------



## rudebhoy (Jul 12, 2021)




----------



## Lord Tyrion (Jul 12, 2021)

rudebhoy said:



View attachment 37536

Click to expand...

I'm admiring your boldness here .

We will give you part of today, then...............


----------



## Doon frae Troon (Jul 12, 2021)

fundy said:



View attachment 37501

Click to expand...

Adam Lynch Videos (@VidsNoContext1) / Twitter 
Straight back at you.


----------



## SwingsitlikeHogan (Jul 12, 2021)

Dando said:



View attachment 37479

Click to expand...

indeed - yet again…one in the eye for all England supporters 😉


----------



## rosecott (Jul 12, 2021)




----------



## Doon frae Troon (Jul 12, 2021)

Slime said:








Click to expand...

The are not Lions,  they are Leopards.
At least that makes Ms Abbott correct and all the others are wrong.


----------



## Slime (Jul 12, 2021)

rosecott said:



View attachment 37539

Click to expand...

Is that one of these?


----------



## Slime (Jul 12, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jul 14, 2021)

Without doubt, the best Robin Williams film is Mrs fire.


----------



## Slime (Jul 14, 2021)




----------



## bobmac (Jul 14, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 37548

Click to expand...


----------



## jim8flog (Jul 14, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jul 14, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jul 14, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jul 14, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jul 14, 2021)




----------



## SatchFan (Jul 14, 2021)




----------



## Pants (Jul 14, 2021)

Magician: "I can make anything disappear." 

Tom (holding cup): "Make my tea disappear." 

Magician: "Shazammm!" 

om: "Nothing happened."


----------



## NearHull (Jul 15, 2021)

Pants said:



			Magician: "I can make anything disappear."

Tom (holding cup): "Make my tea disappear."

Magician: "Shazammm!"

om: "Nothing happened."
		
Click to expand...

It took me a minute or two.


----------



## DRW (Jul 15, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jul 15, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jul 15, 2021)

A pet shop has three parrots for sale, two at £180 and one at £15.
A woman asks "Why is that parrot so cheap?"
"Oh, it used to live in a brothel."
The woman finds that amusing, so buys the parrot for £15.
She takes it home immediately.
The parrot says "Bloody hell, a new brothel". 
The woman laughs.
Her two daughters walk in.
The parrot squawks "Bloody hell, new prossies".
Mum and daughters all laugh heartily.
The husband gets home from work and walks in.
The parrot says "Bloody hell Kieth, long time no see".


Silence.


----------



## Fade and Die (Jul 15, 2021)




----------



## rulefan (Jul 15, 2021)

Of all the jokes I've heard in my life this is by far the most recent


----------



## ColchesterFC (Jul 16, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Jul 16, 2021)




----------



## Pin-seeker (Jul 16, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jul 16, 2021)

Waitrose claim to "Bring our store to your door".
They're not kidding, are they?


----------



## Doon frae Troon (Jul 17, 2021)

Brillo Man strikes again.

https://wingsoverscotland.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/07/gbsn.jpg


----------



## Imurg (Jul 17, 2021)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1416055110065606661


----------



## Dando (Jul 17, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jul 17, 2021)




----------



## fundy (Jul 17, 2021)

A man was found guilty this week of overusing the comma. The judge warned him it would be a long sentence


----------



## jim8flog (Jul 17, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Jul 17, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jul 18, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jul 18, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jul 18, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Jul 18, 2021)

I feel sorry for the staff in Greggs in this weather. 
They must be baking in there!


----------



## Slime (Jul 18, 2021)

I went into Cash Converters today to try and raise some much needed cash.
They gave me £3657.50 and they didn't even take the gun!


----------



## Pin-seeker (Jul 19, 2021)

Warning bad language


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1416346920994361346
Darren Till throwing a strop 😂😂


----------



## Orikoru (Jul 19, 2021)

Pin-seeker said:



			Warning bad language


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1416346920994361346
Darren Till throwing a strop 😂😂
		
Click to expand...

What language was that??


----------



## GreiginFife (Jul 19, 2021)

Pin-seeker said:



			Warning bad language


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1416346920994361346
Darren Till throwing a strop 😂😂
		
Click to expand...

Problem with this stuff is that you don't know what's staged for "likes/views" and what isn't. It's almost as if social media has sucked spontaneity out of life. 

This all seems a bit stilted to me. 

Or perhaps I am just a mid-life cynic


----------



## Pin-seeker (Jul 19, 2021)

GreiginFife said:



			Problem with this stuff is that you don't know what's staged for "likes/views" and what isn't. It's almost as if social media has sucked spontaneity out of life.

This all seems a bit stilted to me.

Or perhaps I am just a mid-life cynic 

Click to expand...

It had crossed my mind,still funny tho


----------



## Pin-seeker (Jul 19, 2021)

Orikoru said:



			What language was that??
		
Click to expand...

Who knows 🤷‍♂️


----------



## GreiginFife (Jul 19, 2021)

Pin-seeker said:



			It had crossed my mind,still funny tho
		
Click to expand...

Each to their own


----------



## Imurg (Jul 19, 2021)




----------



## rosecott (Jul 19, 2021)

Imurg said:



View attachment 37620

Click to expand...

You won't catch me posing like that.


----------



## williamalex1 (Jul 19, 2021)

rosecott said:



			You won't catch me posing like that.
		
Click to expand...

Not with your pension or mine,  Jim lad.


----------



## Baldy Bouncer (Jul 19, 2021)

GreiginFife said:



			Problem with this stuff is that you don't know what's staged for "likes/views" and what isn't. It's almost as if social media has sucked spontaneity out of life.

This all seems a bit stilted to me.

Or perhaps I am just a mid-life cynic 

Click to expand...




Probably made by the European Tour.


----------



## Slime (Jul 19, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jul 19, 2021)

My doctor said that if I had a vasectomy I wouldn't have any kids.
So I had the operation, came home ............................. and they're still bloody here!


----------



## Slime (Jul 19, 2021)

Apologies, but this made me laugh!


----------



## jim8flog (Jul 20, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Jul 20, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Jul 20, 2021)

Don't be embarrassed if you’re still wearing a facemask in public.
I've seen people walking around wearing Tottenham shirts


----------



## arnieboy (Jul 21, 2021)

Dando said:



			Don't be embarrassed if you’re still wearing a facemask in public.
I've seen people walking around wearing Tottenham shirts
		
Click to expand...

Ouch!


----------



## DRW (Jul 21, 2021)

Every time I get angry about everything happening I make masks. 

Posted out my 370th mask this week.


----------



## SatchFan (Jul 21, 2021)




----------



## Orikoru (Jul 21, 2021)




----------



## Imurg (Jul 21, 2021)




----------



## larmen (Jul 21, 2021)

Orikoru said:



View attachment 37650

Click to expand...

That is NOT funny!
It was funny until last year, but he turned 4.


----------



## BiMGuy (Jul 21, 2021)




----------



## ADB (Jul 21, 2021)




----------



## Maninblack4612 (Jul 22, 2021)

Our pro got into a fight with a Chinese restaurant proprietor he was teaching. Told him his takeaway was rubbish.


----------



## SatchFan (Jul 22, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jul 22, 2021)




----------



## Doon frae Troon (Jul 22, 2021)

Jings not much laughter around tonight.
Could be called a few other things but certainly not funny.
Somebody been at the Babycham?


----------



## Slime (Jul 23, 2021)




----------



## GreiginFife (Jul 23, 2021)




----------



## Voyager EMH (Jul 24, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 37694

Click to expand...

"Silence Is Golden" by the Tremeloes was worse than anything Head Cleaner ever did.


----------



## Slime (Jul 24, 2021)

Voyager EMH said:



			"Silence Is Golden" by the Tremeloes was worse than anything Head Cleaner ever did.
		
Click to expand...

Try listening to 'Mull of Kintyre' ............................................ now, if ever there was a song to self harm to!


----------



## Doon frae Troon (Jul 24, 2021)

Slime said:



			Try listening to 'Mull of Kintyre' ............................................ now, if ever there was a song to self harm to!
		
Click to expand...

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_...for purchases  , November 1977  21 more rows 

Other may disagree.


----------



## Slime (Jul 24, 2021)

Doon frae Troon said:



https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_best-selling_singles_in_the_United_Kingdom#:~:text=Best-selling singles based on paid-for purchases , November 1977 21 more rows

Other may disagree.

Click to expand...

Yes, but they're all wrong!


----------



## Mudball (Jul 24, 2021)

I haven’t laughed out for a golf joke in a long time … many will relate 

https://fb.watch/6XYEH6Rldg/


----------



## Slime (Jul 24, 2021)

My mate just give me all his complete collection of Melody Maker magazines. 


With friends like that, who needs NMEs ?


----------



## jim8flog (Jul 24, 2021)




----------



## Pants (Jul 24, 2021)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Jul 24, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jul 24, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jul 25, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jul 26, 2021)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Jul 27, 2021)

Germinate!!!😂


----------



## Slime (Jul 27, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jul 27, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jul 27, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jul 27, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jul 27, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jul 28, 2021)




----------



## Mudball (Jul 28, 2021)

Christmas?? Remind me what month we are in


----------



## SatchFan (Jul 28, 2021)




----------



## bobmac (Jul 28, 2021)




----------



## bobmac (Jul 28, 2021)




----------



## ADB (Jul 28, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jul 28, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jul 28, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Jul 28, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Jul 28, 2021)




----------



## Fade and Die (Jul 28, 2021)




----------



## Miller (Jul 28, 2021)




----------



## GB72 (Jul 28, 2021)




----------



## toyboy54 (Jul 28, 2021)

GB72 said:



View attachment 37783

Click to expand...

And the point is??


----------



## Slime (Jul 29, 2021)

toyboy54 said:



			And the point is??
		
Click to expand...

Humour ............................. it's called humour.


----------



## Swinglowandslow (Jul 29, 2021)

Slime said:



			Humour ............................. it's called humour.
		
Click to expand...

Lots of things are called humour"..................



these days😉


----------



## Orikoru (Jul 29, 2021)

toyboy54 said:



			And the point is??
		
Click to expand...

I think the point was to laugh at Scotland and America. 

Or maybe the point was to observe how nobody is good at football and cricket but not rugby.


----------



## rulefan (Jul 29, 2021)

Orikoru said:



			I think the point was to laugh at Scotland and America. 

Or maybe the point was to observe how nobody is good at football and cricket but not rugby. 

Click to expand...

England?


----------



## Orikoru (Jul 29, 2021)

rulefan said:



			England?
		
Click to expand...

Couldn't tell you, I don't watch rugby. Or cricket. I was just basing it on the picture.


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Jul 29, 2021)

Sign on a train loo today 😂😂


----------



## Doon frae Troon (Jul 29, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 37776

Click to expand...

That is so me


----------



## CliveW (Jul 29, 2021)

GB72 said:



View attachment 37783

Click to expand...


----------



## GB72 (Jul 29, 2021)

CliveW said:









Click to expand...

Which year is that (cannot watch it at work) Hoping yoiu went for 1990, that one hurt a lot.


----------



## CliveW (Jul 29, 2021)

GB72 said:



			Which year is that (cannot watch it at work) Hoping yoiu went for 1990, that one hurt a lot.
		
Click to expand...

2021


----------



## Miller (Jul 29, 2021)




----------



## DRW (Jul 30, 2021)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1420799411123224576
Benny Hill strikes again


----------



## Slime (Jul 30, 2021)




----------



## drdel (Jul 30, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 37804

Click to expand...

Don't you mean "competitive tendering, councillors and accountants. 

Did you know there is no requirement to 'warranty' road construction!


----------



## Dando (Jul 30, 2021)

I was Caught climbing a fence at a gig once.
Sadly they made me listen to the rest of the Phil Collins concert


----------



## Dando (Jul 30, 2021)

DRW said:




__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1420799411123224576
Benny Hill strikes again
		
Click to expand...

Considering my Diane abacus post was deleted and I got told off for a “political” post I can’t see this lasting long


----------



## Miller (Jul 30, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Jul 30, 2021)

I asked my friend how his new job as a loft operater was.
He said it has its ups and downs


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Jul 30, 2021)

Dando said:



			I asked my friend how his new job as a loft operater was.
He said it has its ups and downs
		
Click to expand...

I presume you mean LIFT operator, 

I’ve heard of messing up the punchline but………


----------



## Dando (Jul 30, 2021)

PhilTheFragger said:



			I presume you mean LIFT operator,

I’ve heard of messing up the punchline but………
		
Click to expand...

bugger!


----------



## Slime (Jul 30, 2021)




----------



## Imurg (Jul 31, 2021)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Jul 31, 2021)




----------



## Miller (Jul 31, 2021)

Had a go with the new driver in the back garden. Successfully delivered three balls to three separate neighbours. The fourth was only stopped by the magnolia bush.

My back garden borders the local course, so I think I can get away with it…


----------



## Slime (Jul 31, 2021)

I was recently accused of stealing someones thesaurus!

Not only was I shocked,  I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed!


----------



## Slime (Jul 31, 2021)

I went Speed Dating once. 

"Have you got any pets?", one girl asked.

"Yeah, a goldfish"

"Any hobbies?", she said

"Yes, he loves swimming..."


----------



## jim8flog (Aug 1, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Aug 1, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Aug 2, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Aug 2, 2021)




----------



## Miller (Aug 2, 2021)

Hi


----------



## CliveW (Aug 2, 2021)

Miller said:



View attachment 37834
Hi
		
Click to expand...

Sorry, don't get that.


----------



## Miller (Aug 2, 2021)

CliveW said:



			Sorry, don't get that.
		
Click to expand...

Excel has a tendency to decide what it thinks is right for formatting cells. If you enter what it might think is a date, it’ll make it a date. It can get quite frustrating.


----------



## Liverpoolphil (Aug 2, 2021)




----------



## Miller (Aug 3, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Aug 4, 2021)

When I was a lad, my mum used to send me to the shops with a £1 note.
I'd come back with 6 spuds, 2 loaves, 3 bottles of milk, 6 rashers of bacon, half a dozen eggs and a 
huge block of cheddar cheese.
You just can't do that now.



Too many security cameras!


----------



## Slime (Aug 4, 2021)




----------



## Miller (Aug 4, 2021)

Slime said:



			When I was a lad, my mum used to send me to the shops with a £1 note.
I'd come back with 6 spuds, 2 loaves, 3 bottles of milk, 6 rashers of bacon, half a dozen eggs and a
huge block of cheddar cheese.
		
Click to expand...

When I was a kid, my mum used to send me to the shop to get cigarettes for her.  She used to give me a note to give to the shopkeeper as "proof" it wasn't me buying them!


----------



## DRW (Aug 4, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Aug 4, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Aug 5, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Aug 5, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Aug 5, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Aug 5, 2021)

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson.​He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things.​The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."​Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."​At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice : "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."​Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.​​           She says : "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept              your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William                is very lucky to have you as his grandad."

           "Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little bastard's name is Kevin."


----------



## Slime (Aug 6, 2021)

The company that makes yardsticks will be making them no longer.


----------



## Slime (Aug 6, 2021)

At my funeral, everyone will be handed a Taser. 



Last one standing gets my car!


----------



## Slime (Aug 6, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Aug 7, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Aug 7, 2021)




----------



## Dellboy (Aug 7, 2021)

.


----------



## Miller (Aug 7, 2021)

Spent a bit of time at the range today. 

Managed to slice one ball so badly that it ended up falling into the ball basket of the next bay to me. 

Not the one in front of me, but the one behind. Weirdly, the guy playing there didn’t seem in any way surprised and simply gave me my ball back.


----------



## williamalex1 (Aug 7, 2021)

Many years ago practicing at an almost completed range, I thinned one, it then hit a brick full force a few yards infront of me.
It ricochet back over the canopy above me and into the carpark behind.
I didn't ask if it hit any cars


----------



## Mudball (Aug 7, 2021)

Spot the difference..


----------



## Slime (Aug 7, 2021)

Wow, I've just seen my first herd of farmed liquorice !!


----------



## williamalex1 (Aug 7, 2021)

Looks more like a black pudding harvest .


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Aug 8, 2021)




----------



## Smiffy (Aug 8, 2021)

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M5  near Exeter recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"


----------



## SatchFan (Aug 8, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Aug 8, 2021)




----------



## Pants (Aug 8, 2021)

I cannot believe how rude the suppository helpline was…


----------



## Miller (Aug 8, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Aug 8, 2021)

I spent some time tidying things up at the wife's grave today. 



Bless, she still thinks I'm digging a pond.


----------



## Slime (Aug 8, 2021)




----------



## Voyager EMH (Aug 8, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 37928

Click to expand...

This one really made Mrs V laugh a lot. I'll say no more.


----------



## Slime (Aug 9, 2021)

Decanter ................................................ an emergency brake for a runaway horse.


----------



## Slime (Aug 9, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Aug 9, 2021)




----------



## Miller (Aug 10, 2021)

An advertisement on this here fine forum....




Not sure I want to be clicking on that blue circle.


----------



## Slime (Aug 10, 2021)




----------



## Mudball (Aug 10, 2021)

Only in America..


----------



## Slime (Aug 10, 2021)

I came out of Sainsbury's today to find a woman crying her eye's out saying she'd lost all her holiday money. 
It really touched me so I gave her £50.



I don't normally do things like that, but I'd just found £2000 in the car park!


----------



## Slime (Aug 10, 2021)

I've been diagnosed with kleptomania. 

When it gets really bad, I take something for it.


----------



## AmandaJR (Aug 11, 2021)

Smiffy said:



			The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M5  near Exeter recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"
		
Click to expand...

As we wandered down the first hole yesterday I started talking about this "research" as if it was real - got a good old laugh from my playing partners. At the half way hut I was asked to recite it and on the patio after play! One of my favourites now


----------



## Slime (Aug 11, 2021)




----------



## Imurg (Aug 11, 2021)




----------



## IainP (Aug 11, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 37961

Click to expand...

More evidence that the USA have their dates the wrong way around! 😉😁

Shame the GM forum site doesn't agree ☹🥴


----------



## jim8flog (Aug 11, 2021)




----------



## Imurg (Aug 11, 2021)




----------



## BiMGuy (Aug 11, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 37959

Click to expand...

Can't beat a good laugh at domestic violence 😂😒


----------



## SatchFan (Aug 11, 2021)

When is Christmas?


----------



## Slime (Aug 11, 2021)




----------



## drdel (Aug 11, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 37976

Click to expand...

Is that the 6th edition?


----------



## Smiffy (Aug 12, 2021)




----------



## Smiffy (Aug 12, 2021)




----------



## Imurg (Aug 12, 2021)




----------



## DRW (Aug 12, 2021)

Try not singing


----------



## DRW (Aug 12, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Aug 12, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Aug 12, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Aug 12, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Aug 12, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Aug 13, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Aug 13, 2021)

This is me


----------



## Dando (Aug 13, 2021)

This is definitely my dog


----------



## Italian outcast (Aug 13, 2021)

Dando said:



			This is definitely my dog

View attachment 37999

Click to expand...

This is actually my 3 at the moment - in the cauldron that is Casa Outcast [A-C playing up]


----------



## Slime (Aug 13, 2021)

We were so poor growing up, we could only afford Ordinary K.


----------



## Slime (Aug 13, 2021)




----------



## CliveW (Aug 14, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 38018

Click to expand...

At that speed it doesn't matter!


----------



## Smiffy (Aug 14, 2021)

I was sitting in the garden early this morning, enjoying a nice cup of tea.
I was a bit surprised to notice a tiny little old man, sitting on a toadstool with his head between his legs.
"Are you a Goblin?" I asked him.
"No" he replied, "I've got a headache"
.😱😱


----------



## Voyager EMH (Aug 14, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Aug 14, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Aug 14, 2021)

I lost the keys to my car today but my mate opened it by rubbing his leg up the door. 

Luckily he was wearing his khaki trousers.


----------



## jim8flog (Aug 14, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Aug 14, 2021)




----------



## Mudball (Aug 15, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Aug 15, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Aug 15, 2021)




----------



## DRW (Aug 17, 2021)




----------



## Imurg (Aug 17, 2021)




----------



## SatchFan (Aug 17, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Aug 17, 2021)

Worrying developments from Afghanistan as fighters are spotted wearing sandals, brown brogues and another has white socks on


----------



## Mudball (Aug 17, 2021)

Dando said:



			Worrying developments from Afghanistan as fighters are spotted wearing sandals, brown brogues and another has white socks on 
	View attachment 38056

Click to expand...

Won’t be allowed into my club as those socks  do not conform to local rules .


----------



## Dando (Aug 17, 2021)

Mudball said:



			Won’t be allowed into my club as those socks  do not conform to local rules .
		
Click to expand...

What’s the ruling for men in skirts wearing socks? The forum will go into melt down


----------



## clubchamp98 (Aug 17, 2021)

Dando said:



			What’s the ruling for men in skirts wearing socks? The forum will go into melt down
		
Click to expand...

You wouldn’t query his score though.


----------



## Dando (Aug 17, 2021)

clubchamp98 said:



			You wouldn’t query his score though.
		
Click to expand...

If they say it’s a gimme you give it!


----------



## Slime (Aug 17, 2021)




----------



## Mudball (Aug 17, 2021)

Dando said:



			If they say it’s a gimme you give it!
		
Click to expand...

Only if it is within the grip...  of his AK-47


----------



## Slime (Aug 17, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Aug 18, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 38058

Click to expand...

Is that Dianne Abbott limited edition box?


----------



## Dando (Aug 19, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Aug 19, 2021)

No doubt the bed wetters will moan about this and I’ll get told off


----------



## Dando (Aug 19, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Aug 19, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Aug 19, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Aug 19, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Aug 19, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Aug 19, 2021)




----------



## Imurg (Aug 20, 2021)




----------



## fundy (Aug 20, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Aug 20, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Aug 20, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Aug 20, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Aug 20, 2021)




----------



## Imurg (Aug 21, 2021)

If you ask Rick Astley for his copy of the movie Up, he cannot give it to you.
However in doing so, he is letting you down, thus creating the Astley Paradox


----------



## jim8flog (Aug 21, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Aug 21, 2021)




----------



## yandabrown (Aug 21, 2021)

I've seen loads of signs for this on my holidays, I assume that it's a tribute festival, not sure they thought the name through though! 🤣


----------



## Smiffy (Aug 22, 2021)

A man was in a long line at his local Tesco store. As he got to the check-out, he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked, "What size condoms?"
The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom,
"One box of large condoms, Checkout 5."
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the check-out, he told the girl that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the check-out for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said,
"One box of medium-sized condoms, Checkout 5."
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the check-out, he told the girl he needed some condoms. She asked him what size, and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...
"Mop and bucket to Checkout 5".


----------



## Dando (Aug 22, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Aug 22, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Aug 22, 2021)

When I found out there was a cure for dyslexia it was like music to my arse


----------



## Mudball (Aug 22, 2021)

Drinking and driving not a good idea .. 


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1429133537588953097


----------



## Mudball (Aug 22, 2021)

I just figured why I'm overweight! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says "for extra volume & body." 

I'm going to start using dishwashing liquid. It says "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove." ;-))


----------



## Dando (Aug 22, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Aug 22, 2021)




----------



## ExRabbit (Aug 22, 2021)

The lady who was running my checkout line at Aldi yesterday was chatting on her mic about some other business and would still have cleared this lot in about 20 minutes!


----------



## larmen (Aug 22, 2021)

Dando said:



View attachment 38112

Click to expand...

it would help if you lot would pack your bags in the packing area and not at the till!


----------



## AmandaJR (Aug 23, 2021)

ExRabbit said:



			The lady who was running my checkout line at Aldi yesterday was chatting on her mic about some other business and would still have cleared this lot in about 20 minutes! 

Click to expand...

I'm always confused and think they're talking to me but then realise they are masters at multi-tasking!


----------



## jim8flog (Aug 23, 2021)

https://www.somersetlive.co.uk/news...v434iuYmbyASLsBH2s2Ppi-roRC17iSKtxHz7a_2PETr8


----------



## Dando (Aug 23, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Aug 23, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Aug 23, 2021)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Aug 23, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Aug 24, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Aug 24, 2021)

my school teacher told me i'd never be good at poetry, but so far I've made 3 vases and a mug!


----------



## Dando (Aug 24, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Aug 24, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Aug 24, 2021)




----------



## Smiffy (Aug 25, 2021)

A bloke walks into a pet shop, puts a bomb on the counter and says, "You've got one minute to get out of here before the place blows!"
A tortoise in the back shouts, "You bastard!"


----------



## Dando (Aug 25, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Aug 25, 2021)

Dr, Dr,  I keep thinking I'm a supermarket.
DR.---How long have you been feeling like that.
ME--- Ever since I was Lidl.


----------



## Crazyface (Aug 25, 2021)

Dando said:



			Dr, Dr,  I keep thinking I'm a supermarket.
DR.---How long have you been feeling like that.
ME--- Ever since I was Lidl.
		
Click to expand...

I'm gonna tell my grandson that. He'll think that is very funny. (Don't think I've left a gate open in that one)


----------



## jim8flog (Aug 25, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Aug 25, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Aug 26, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Aug 26, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Aug 26, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Aug 26, 2021)




----------



## Pants (Aug 27, 2021)

When even the landscape mocks your "beach body".


----------



## Mudball (Aug 27, 2021)




----------



## Mudball (Aug 27, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Aug 27, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Aug 27, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Aug 27, 2021)

My doctor told me I needed a pacemaker. 
Now I have this Kenyan athlete who's always 2 yards in front of me everywhere I go.


----------



## Doon frae Troon (Aug 27, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 38184

Click to expand...

 Waiting for a wee birdie.


----------



## Dando (Aug 27, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Aug 27, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Aug 27, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Aug 27, 2021)




----------



## spongebob59 (Aug 28, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Aug 28, 2021)

spongebob59 said:



View attachment 38192

Click to expand...

Mmm sweet and sour chicken and ham pie


----------



## NearHull (Aug 28, 2021)

spongebob59 said:



View attachment 38192

Click to expand...

Can I post another like, and another like, and a…………love it!


----------



## Slime (Aug 28, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Aug 29, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Aug 30, 2021)

A man and woman are having a quiet and romantic dinner at a fine restaurant.they lovingly staring at each other and holding hands. 
A waitress serving another table notices that the lady is starting to slip down her chair and below the table, while the man stares straight ahead. The waitress now realises that the woman has completely disappeared under the table and out of sight. 
Thinking that this behaviour is risque and worried what other customers might think, she approaches the table and tactfully says to the man, 
"Excuse me Sir, it appears that your wife has slipped under the table!"

The man looks up at the waitress and says, 
"No she hasn't, she's just bloody walked in!!!"


----------



## Slime (Aug 30, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Aug 30, 2021)

Tonight I'm making a herb and flatfish trifle. 

I think there's a thyme and a plaice for everything.


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Aug 30, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Aug 30, 2021)




----------



## bobmac (Aug 31, 2021)

Arsenal yesterday were practicing their tackling and passing with 11 wheelie bins on the pitch.
After 20 minutes, the wheelie bins were winning 2-0


----------



## JollyRedDevil (Aug 31, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Aug 31, 2021)

Just been asked by a group of kids outside Sainsburys if I would buy them 20 Richmond. Stupidly I agreed and got them a packet...so I handed them over and you should have seen the grief I got off them! Next time they can get their own bloody sausages!


----------



## Dando (Aug 31, 2021)

bobmac said:



			Arsenal yesterday were practicing their tackling and passing with 11 wheelie bins on the pitch.
After 20 minutes, the wheelie bins were winning 2-0
		
Click to expand...

Only 2-0?


----------



## Dando (Aug 31, 2021)




----------



## fundy (Aug 31, 2021)

JollyRedDevil said:



View attachment 38218

Click to expand...

needs to change his name, weve conceded more than 7 lol


----------



## Pants (Aug 31, 2021)

Never challenge Death to a pillow fight, unless you're prepared for the Reaper cushions…


(Sorry)


----------



## Imurg (Aug 31, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Sep 1, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Sep 1, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Sep 1, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Sep 1, 2021)




----------



## Voyager EMH (Sep 1, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 38239

Click to expand...

Just think, if Don McLean had been born British, he might have written...

Rode my bike to the dyke
But the tide was out,
Those right-minded chaps
Were drinking meadow-sweet stout,
Singin' this'll be the day I peg out.


----------



## Imurg (Sep 1, 2021)

Voyager EMH said:



			Just think, if Don McLean had been born British, he might have written...

Rode my bike to the dyke
But the tide was out,
Those right-minded chaps
Were drinking meadow-sweet stout,
Singin' this'll be the day I peg out.
		
Click to expand...

Bloody good job he wasn't....


----------



## jim8flog (Sep 1, 2021)




----------



## DRW (Sep 2, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Sep 2, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Sep 2, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Sep 2, 2021)




----------



## Doon frae Troon (Sep 2, 2021)

DRW said:



View attachment 38247

Click to expand...

Keep right on to the end of the roa


----------



## clubchamp98 (Sep 2, 2021)

Dando said:



			Only 2-0?
		
Click to expand...

VAR?


----------



## williamalex1 (Sep 2, 2021)

Voyager EMH said:



			Just think, if Don McLean had been born British, he might have written...

Rode my bike to the dyke
But the tide was out,
Those right-minded chaps
Were drinking meadow-sweet stout,
Singin' this'll be the day I peg out.
		
Click to expand...

 Scottish version , Went to the lavy but the lavy was ????


----------



## Dando (Sep 3, 2021)

I'm birdwatching with Sinead O'connor.
So far it's been seven Owls and 15 Jays


----------



## Slime (Sep 3, 2021)

"Hey God, what are you making?"
"Just a stick that lights the fire"








Now, that sounds like a match made in heaven.


----------



## jim8flog (Sep 3, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Sep 3, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Sep 3, 2021)




----------



## Voyager EMH (Sep 4, 2021)

williamalex1 said:



			Scottish version , Went to the lavy but the lavy was ????
		
Click to expand...





Bye, bye miss American Pie
Had a bevy of some Levy cuz ma mooth wuz dry
All ma best chums were drinkin' half-n-half
Singin' this'll be the day I shove arf
This'll be the day I shove arf.


----------



## Slime (Sep 4, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Sep 4, 2021)




----------



## bobmac (Sep 4, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Sep 4, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Sep 4, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Sep 4, 2021)

I had my leg X-rayed today.

The doctor said: 'Your patella measures 2.54cm'.

I said: 'Inch-high knees?'

He said: '您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.'


----------



## IainP (Sep 5, 2021)

Maybe could have gone on a few threads, will pop here though...


----------



## jim8flog (Sep 5, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Sep 5, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Sep 6, 2021)




----------



## williamalex1 (Sep 6, 2021)

Where are you.


----------



## Voyager EMH (Sep 6, 2021)

In a Plymouth


----------



## williamalex1 (Sep 6, 2021)

Voyager EMH said:



			In a Plymouth
		
Click to expand...

It looks a bit like the old 1950sVauxhall Wyvern.


----------



## Voyager EMH (Sep 6, 2021)

I think it was Plymouths on the TV show


----------



## toyboy54 (Sep 6, 2021)

Voyager EMH said:



			In a Plymouth
		
Click to expand...

I used to stay in a Plymouth....New Plymouth,,,,,East Kilbride--nice area-too good for the likes of me

Whatever happened to 'The Famous MR. ED'?
Did 'Space Family Robinson' ever get anywhere ??


----------



## jim8flog (Sep 7, 2021)

williamalex1 said:



			Where are you.
		
Click to expand...


It's the number plate that is important not the make of car (took me a few moments to understand)


----------



## williamalex1 (Sep 7, 2021)

jim8flog said:



			It's the number plate that is important not the make of car (took me a few moments to understand)
		
Click to expand...

I knew that   the series was called Car 54 Where are You.


----------



## DRW (Sep 7, 2021)




----------



## larmen (Sep 7, 2021)

DRW said:



View attachment 38297

Click to expand...

That's a German NYD tradition and you can buy sets of donuts, one containing mustard, at the bakery. So far I have never been 'lucky' enough to win.


----------



## Dando (Sep 7, 2021)

DRW said:



View attachment 38297

Click to expand...

Just like toffee onions for Halloween


----------



## Imurg (Sep 8, 2021)




----------



## Rooter (Sep 9, 2021)

larmen said:



			That's a German NYD tradition and you can buy sets of donuts, one containing mustard, at the bakery. So far I have never been 'lucky' enough to win.
		
Click to expand...

Back in the day when I played cricket, you had to make at least one cricket tea per season, we used to put in one 'rogue sandwich' it was dealers choice, the better disguised the better, but usual suspects were mustard/chilli, but some when the extra mile and did cat food, dog food etc. Brightened up what is a dull sport!


----------



## Slime (Sep 9, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Sep 9, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Sep 9, 2021)

Just bought a new roll on deodorant


----------



## Dando (Sep 9, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Sep 9, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Sep 9, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Sep 10, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Sep 10, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Sep 11, 2021)




----------



## spongebob59 (Sep 11, 2021)




----------



## Fade and Die (Sep 11, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 38409

Click to expand...

Thought they was the Knights who say NI? 😁


----------



## Doon frae Troon (Sep 11, 2021)

Rare move into baking for me yesterday did not end well
Used Icing sugar instead of flour [well it was in an unmarked tub.]
Some lovely buttery plum jam was an unexpected gain.


----------



## Dando (Sep 11, 2021)




----------



## fundy (Sep 11, 2021)

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
“With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ...... 
"What the **** would they want with a plasterer??!"


----------



## Slime (Sep 11, 2021)




----------



## spongebob59 (Sep 12, 2021)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1436821139557437446


----------



## Dando (Sep 12, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Sep 12, 2021)

Maths is 90% common sense. 
The other half is intelligence.


----------



## Dando (Sep 12, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Sep 12, 2021)

I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, “Don’t eat anything fatty.”

I said, “What – no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?”

He said, “No fatty, just don’t eat anything.”


----------



## Slime (Sep 12, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Sep 12, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Sep 12, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Sep 12, 2021)

The man who makes giant eclairs at our local patisserie is retiring next week.

There will be some big chouxs to fill when he goes.


----------



## Dando (Sep 12, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Sep 12, 2021)




----------



## AmandaJR (Sep 13, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Sep 13, 2021)




----------



## AmandaJR (Sep 13, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Sep 13, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Sep 13, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Sep 13, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Sep 13, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Sep 13, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Sep 13, 2021)

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.
They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her "Darling, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much!"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't"
Him: "I beg you... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says:
"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the bloody intercom!


----------



## Mudball (Sep 14, 2021)




----------



## Mudball (Sep 14, 2021)




----------



## spongebob59 (Sep 14, 2021)




----------



## AmandaJR (Sep 14, 2021)

spongebob59 said:



View attachment 38478

Click to expand...

Marrying himself? Wouldn't surprise me!


----------



## williamalex1 (Sep 14, 2021)

Mudball said:








Click to expand...

Phew!!, thankfully only 1 hand on his shoulder


----------



## Dando (Sep 15, 2021)




----------



## drdel (Sep 15, 2021)

spongebob59 said:



View attachment 38478

Click to expand...

IMO if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck its definitely a duck/dork!


----------



## Crow (Sep 15, 2021)

spongebob59 said:



View attachment 38478

Click to expand...


I suspect all that's happened is that he'd forgotten his ticket and had to climb in through the window, getting caught up in the net curtains as he did so.


----------



## Slime (Sep 15, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Sep 15, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Sep 16, 2021)

What's blue and smells like red paint?






Blue paint.


----------



## Slime (Sep 16, 2021)

I was reading a brilliant book about an immortal dog.






It was impossible to put it down.


----------



## Slime (Sep 16, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Sep 16, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Sep 17, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Sep 17, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Sep 17, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Sep 17, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Sep 17, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Sep 17, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Sep 17, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Sep 17, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Sep 18, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 38538

Click to expand...

“Fashion” by @Tashyboy


----------



## jim8flog (Sep 18, 2021)




----------



## Tashyboy (Sep 18, 2021)

Dando said:



			“Fashion” by @Tashyboy

Click to expand...

man of me own good heart 😁


----------



## Slime (Sep 18, 2021)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Sep 18, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Sep 18, 2021)




----------



## Imurg (Sep 19, 2021)

Is this the headline of the year?


----------



## bobmac (Sep 19, 2021)

Imurg said:



			Is this the headline of the year?
View attachment 38548

Click to expand...

I liked this one from the Bexhill Gazette


----------



## Slime (Sep 20, 2021)




----------



## Mudball (Sep 20, 2021)

The very British way of measuring


----------



## jim8flog (Sep 21, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Sep 21, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Sep 21, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Sep 22, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Sep 22, 2021)

My wife got angry with me because I kept slipping golf references into our conversations.
I soon putter in her place.


----------



## Slime (Sep 22, 2021)




----------



## SteveW86 (Sep 22, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Sep 22, 2021)

jim8flog said:



View attachment 38599

Click to expand...

of course Mum works in “home depot” 🤣🤣


----------



## Dando (Sep 22, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Sep 23, 2021)

I’ve written a book about Poltergeists.
It’s flying off the shelves.


----------



## Slime (Sep 23, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Sep 23, 2021)

I just found an origami porn channel.



Unfortunately, it's paper view only.


----------



## Neilds (Sep 23, 2021)

Smiffy said:



View attachment 38615

Click to expand...

Do you not read recent posts before you post? This was only posted on Tuesday night!!!!


----------



## Smiffy (Sep 23, 2021)

Neilds said:



			Do you not read recent posts before you post? This was only posted on Tuesday night!!!!
		
Click to expand...

I was asleep.
Sorry


----------



## Dando (Sep 23, 2021)




----------



## Fade and Die (Sep 23, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Sep 24, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Sep 24, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Sep 24, 2021)

The inventor of the boiled egg wrapped in sausage meat died today.

RIP Scott Chegg


----------



## yandabrown (Sep 24, 2021)




----------



## ADB (Sep 25, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Sep 25, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Sep 25, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Sep 25, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Sep 25, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Sep 25, 2021)




----------



## Imurg (Sep 26, 2021)

School run on Monday


----------



## Slime (Sep 26, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Sep 26, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Sep 26, 2021)




----------



## Mudball (Sep 26, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Sep 26, 2021)




----------



## BiMGuy (Sep 26, 2021)




----------



## Neilds (Sep 27, 2021)

Due to staff shortages, we are glad to announce he still passed 👏


----------



## Dando (Sep 27, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Sep 27, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Sep 27, 2021)




----------



## Mudball (Sep 28, 2021)

Take it at face value and laugh out..


----------



## Slime (Sep 28, 2021)

The wife got scammed the other day by a woman called Anna , who got her to invest in a snake farm in India.



Anna conned her.


----------



## ADB (Sep 28, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Sep 29, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Sep 29, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Sep 29, 2021)

I've just got a job making plastic Draculas.

There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.


----------



## Mudball (Sep 30, 2021)




----------



## JollyRedDevil (Sep 30, 2021)




----------



## CliveW (Oct 1, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Oct 1, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Oct 1, 2021)




----------



## CliveW (Oct 1, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 38753

Click to expand...

It took me a minute...


----------



## Dando (Oct 2, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Oct 2, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Oct 2, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Oct 2, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Oct 2, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Oct 2, 2021)




----------



## Tashyboy (Oct 2, 2021)

Talking to a guy who missed an ex pit lads funeral a couple of months ago. Or I went to. 
Anyway he tells me that Dennis who’s funeral it was. He picked him up in the car at the end of the pit lane one day about 11.45. He is hung over and stinks of beer. Knowing Dennis he probably had a few beers before work. Anyway they go into the lockers and Dennis whilst undressing and says “what the hell is that in my inside pocket” he promptly pulls out last nights fish and chips which he bought whilst drunk and had forgot about them. He said I will take them down the pit and put them
On the electrical transformer which will keep them warm and have them at snap time. He did 😂


----------



## jim8flog (Oct 2, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Oct 2, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Oct 3, 2021)

Mrs d made me promise that if anything happened to her I’d find someone else. 
So I did.
Apparently her being stuck in traffic wasn’t what she meant


----------



## jim8flog (Oct 3, 2021)

One of my playing mates came up with a cracker on Friday

" The last thing on that fly's mind was his back side"

as a it landed on his ball just before club to ball impact.


----------



## Dando (Oct 3, 2021)




----------



## Mudball (Oct 3, 2021)

Made me spit out my tea this morning… (not sure why they needed BoJo in the pic).


----------



## patricks148 (Oct 3, 2021)

When I was coming back from my bike ride this lunchtime  I passed an old boy coming the other way on a bike with a tin of Tennants in his bottle cage, I found that hilarious 🤣


----------



## jim8flog (Oct 3, 2021)

Mudball said:



			Made me spit out my tea this morning… (not sure why they needed BoJo in the pic).

View attachment 38774

Click to expand...


Seperated at birth?


----------



## Mudball (Oct 3, 2021)

jim8flog said:



			Seperated at birth?
		
Click to expand...

I am assuming he has done his bit to raise the birth rate..   (allegedly)


----------



## Slime (Oct 3, 2021)

On the M25 a pensioner drove his brand new BMW to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. 
He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought,
"I'm too old for this nonsense !"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."
The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :-
"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!
The police man left saying,
" Have a good day, Sir "...


----------



## Dando (Oct 4, 2021)




----------



## Mudball (Oct 4, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Oct 5, 2021)

the local lemonade factory was flooded yesterday. Several employees were Schwepped away


----------



## Dando (Oct 5, 2021)

Ive just been to see my doctor and after he examined me the doctor said "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about? 
"In fact, I do," I replied . "After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty." 
After examining my wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" 
My wife replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?" 
"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August".....................😂😂


----------



## Dando (Oct 5, 2021)




----------



## SocketRocket (Oct 5, 2021)

Dando said:



View attachment 38784

Click to expand...

I don't get it 🤔


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Oct 5, 2021)

SocketRocket said:



			I don't get it 🤔
		
Click to expand...

Pat testing ….Doh


----------



## Stuart_C (Oct 5, 2021)

why did the pie cross the road?

because he was meet-in-potato…


----------



## CliveW (Oct 5, 2021)

PhilTheFragger said:



			Pat testing ….Doh
		
Click to expand...

Who is Pat testing?


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Oct 5, 2021)

CliveW said:



			Who is Pat testing?
		
Click to expand...

He’s a mate of Pat Pending 😂


----------



## SocketRocket (Oct 6, 2021)

PhilTheFragger said:



			Pat testing ….Doh
		
Click to expand...

Was she?

You'll be telling me the canteen.went vegetarian next!


----------



## Rooter (Oct 6, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Oct 6, 2021)




----------



## SwingsitlikeHogan (Oct 6, 2021)

Dando said:



View attachment 38807

Click to expand...

That 100% IS Lionel Blair….


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Oct 6, 2021)

SwingsitlikeHogan said:



			That 100% IS Lionel Blair….
		
Click to expand...

Wooooossshhhhhhh


----------



## ExRabbit (Oct 6, 2021)

SwingsitlikeHogan said:



			That 100% IS Lionel Blair….
		
Click to expand...


----------



## Mudball (Oct 7, 2021)




----------



## Mudball (Oct 7, 2021)




----------



## SocketRocket (Oct 7, 2021)

I'm glad they've got Facebook working again.  I was worn out knocking on my neighbours doors showing them what I was having for dinner.


----------



## Slime (Oct 7, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Oct 7, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Oct 7, 2021)




----------



## CliveW (Oct 8, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Oct 8, 2021)

CliveW said:








Click to expand...

Wow, I haven't seen anything like that since post #3648!!


----------



## bobmac (Oct 8, 2021)

Slime said:



			Wow, I haven't seen anything like that since post #3648!!  

Click to expand...

I still don't get it.


----------



## Slime (Oct 8, 2021)

bobmac said:



			I still don't get it.  

Click to expand...

Maybe because the 'Give Cyclists Space' sign is blocking the cycle lane?


----------



## CliveW (Oct 8, 2021)

Slime said:



			Wow, I haven't seen anything like that since post #3648!!  

Click to expand...

It takes time to reach this far north!


----------



## Lord Tyrion (Oct 8, 2021)

Gag from Rob Brydon last night, courtesy of Barry Cryer.

A man is at the funeral of his wife and is looking a little lost
The vicar comes up to him and asks if he can help
'Yes, do you know the wifi code'?
'This is your wifes funeral' he exclaimed in disgust
'Is that all lowercase'?


----------



## Slime (Oct 8, 2021)

I'm going to my local autopsy club tonight.



It's open Mike night.


----------



## Leftie (Oct 8, 2021)

For (possibly) one night only

Back by popular demand 

Just a short sample of what you have been missing 

The only real difference between crows and ravens is that crows have five pinion feathers while ravens only have four. So the difference between a crow and a raven is a matter of a pinion.

Friend and I have taken up woodworking. Another mate said he didn't know we were carpenters. I said, “We've only just begun.”

There was a sign in our pet shop that said, 'Pedigree Netherlands kitten for sale.’ Never heard of a cat from the Netherlands, so I went into the shop and asked, ‘How Dutch is that moggie in the window?’


----------



## Leftie (Oct 8, 2021)

Looking for a few gallons of diesel… Willing to swap for a doctor’s appointment.


----------



## Leftie (Oct 8, 2021)

One large oil company has announced they are going to start producing fuel from insect urine. I think it's BP.


----------



## Leftie (Oct 8, 2021)

The local wig shop was burgled last night. They've had to replace all the locks.


----------



## Leftie (Oct 8, 2021)

My boss yelled at me this morning. “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?” “Yes,” I said, “it’s Friday!"


----------



## Leftie (Oct 8, 2021)

OK.  OK.  I know.  They are 

I'll get my coat and maybe reappear in another 10 months time.


----------



## Imurg (Oct 8, 2021)

You're a Legend Roger..


----------



## Liverpoolphil (Oct 8, 2021)

Leftie said:



			OK.  OK.  I know.  They are 

I'll get my coat and maybe reappear in another 10 months time. 

Click to expand...

😂😂😂😂😂 great to see you back


----------



## Leftie (Oct 8, 2021)

Oh!  OK, if you insist ...

Everyone remembers the Human League’s front man Phil Oakey. But his sister Carrie was a bad pub singer at best.

This gin and tonic is 91 calories. This banana is 105 calories. My doctor told me to make the healthy choice. I love my doctor.

I don't tell religious jokes any more. They put me on the sects offenders register.


----------



## Maninblack4612 (Oct 9, 2021)

Saudis are happy that the takeover of Newcastle United has finally gone through.


----------



## Imurg (Oct 9, 2021)




----------



## AmandaJR (Oct 9, 2021)

https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Bedford-...TSpG0kLSGjWdOqIYZ0kgt1TIIlDOjGCceryMIbh_UWaSY


----------



## Fade and Die (Oct 9, 2021)

AmandaJR said:



https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Bedford-...TSpG0kLSGjWdOqIYZ0kgt1TIIlDOjGCceryMIbh_UWaSY

Click to expand...

The full description. 😂😂😂


----------



## Imurg (Oct 9, 2021)

Fade and Die said:



			The full description. 😂😂😂
		
Click to expand...

Absolute quality...


----------



## Slime (Oct 9, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Oct 9, 2021)

I saw an old bloke collecting all the trollies in the local supermarket car park.




He must have been pushing 70!


----------



## Slime (Oct 9, 2021)

I phoned the incontinence helpline.


They asked if I could hold?


----------



## Smiffy (Oct 10, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Oct 10, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Oct 10, 2021)




----------



## Maninblack4612 (Oct 10, 2021)

Quote from Sky Sports during the Spanish Open today: "His heart must have been going ten to the dozen there"


----------



## jim8flog (Oct 10, 2021)




----------



## bobmac (Oct 11, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Oct 11, 2021)

Neilds said:



View attachment 38910

Click to expand...

As per Dando's post in The Footie Thread yesterday evening.


----------



## Mudball (Oct 11, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Oct 11, 2021)




----------



## IainP (Oct 11, 2021)

Mudball said:



View attachment 38914

Click to expand...

Counts ?
😉😁


----------



## Mudball (Oct 11, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Oct 12, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Oct 12, 2021)

Police are looking for a male transvestite believed to be in the Manchester area.



It's possible he may have a Wigan address.


----------



## Mudball (Oct 12, 2021)




----------



## Smiffy (Oct 13, 2021)




----------



## Mudball (Oct 14, 2021)




----------



## Imurg (Oct 14, 2021)




----------



## spongebob59 (Oct 14, 2021)

Biff Whipster, a member of Insulate Britain, said some members of the public have been thanking the group during its protests over the last few weeks.

He told the PA news agency: “I was in front of a lorry driver at one junction and he came out filming me, very angry. Just five minutes of conversation ended up with him shaking my hand, thanking me and thanking my friends who were in the road. They were glued to the road on behalf of his children.”

Mr Whipster denied the group blocked an ambulance during its recent protest at Wandsworth Bridge in south-west London.

Tim Gough, spokesperson for Insulate Britain outside the Royal Courts of Justice in London, before a hearing over the injunction banning the environmental activists from blocking the M25.
Tim Gough, spokesperson for Insulate Britain outside the Royal Courts of Justice in London, before a hearing over the injunction banning the environmental activists from blocking the M25. Ian West
“I personally unclogged 50ft of traffic in front of the ambulance, it was on the opposite side of the road, the opportunity to drive away was there,” he said.

“I appreciate the chaos of the situation. I’ve seen the clips on social media and it certainly looks like there was an ambulance that we were blocking. The ambulance was behind the camera though. He was in the opposite carriageway and we did clear the road.”

Biff Whipster said he had resigned himself to the possibility of potentially being thrown in prison or


----------



## Slime (Oct 14, 2021)




----------



## Fade and Die (Oct 14, 2021)




----------



## Tashyboy (Oct 14, 2021)

Sums me up nicely


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Oct 15, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Oct 15, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Oct 15, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Oct 16, 2021)




----------



## CliveW (Oct 16, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 39060

Click to expand...

Only those of a certain age will appreciate that!


----------



## Slime (Oct 17, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Oct 17, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Oct 17, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 39073

Click to expand...

I hate it when I find a cow on my car


----------



## Dando (Oct 17, 2021)

I’m thinking of going on embarrassing bodies as one of my testicles is bigger than the other two


----------



## Imurg (Oct 17, 2021)

Dando said:



			I’m thinking of going on embarrassing bodies as one of my testicles is bigger than the other two
		
Click to expand...

The worrying thing is that I can believe this...


----------



## drdel (Oct 17, 2021)

Dando said:



			I hate it when I find a cow on my car
		
Click to expand...

Feel free to beef about it...


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Oct 17, 2021)

Dando said:



			I’m thinking of going on embarrassing bodies as one of my testicles is bigger than the other two
		
Click to expand...

I don’t want to know 😂😂


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Oct 17, 2021)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Oct 17, 2021)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Oct 17, 2021)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Oct 17, 2021)

Sorry 😬


----------



## fundy (Oct 17, 2021)

PhilTheFragger said:



			Sorry 😬
		
Click to expand...

thought leftie was back for another evening


----------



## fundy (Oct 17, 2021)

This would be funny if it didnt apply to us too lol


----------



## Tashyboy (Oct 17, 2021)

Dando said:



			I’m thinking of going on embarrassing bodies as one of my testicles is bigger than the other two
		
Click to expand...

When I was at  skool I had a pal who only had one testicle drop. His nickname was Womble. His mates thought it sounded like oneball.


----------



## Dando (Oct 17, 2021)

Tashyboy said:



			When I was at  skool I had a pal who only had one testicle drop. His nickname was Womble. His mates thought it sounded like oneball.
		
Click to expand...

A mate of mine at school had his ball bag ripped open playing rugby. It was one of the most horrific things I’ve ever seen


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Oct 17, 2021)

Dando said:



			A mate of mine at school had his ball bag ripped open playing rugby. It was one of the most horrific things I’ve ever seen
		
Click to expand...

It explains a lot 🤔


----------



## rulefan (Oct 17, 2021)

Dando said:



			A mate of mine at school had his ball bag ripped open playing rugby. It was one of the most horrific things I’ve ever seen
		
Click to expand...

I hope he chuckled at least - Laughter is the best medicine


----------



## Tashyboy (Oct 17, 2021)

Dando said:



			A mate of mine at school had his ball bag ripped open playing rugby. It was one of the most horrific things I’ve ever seen
		
Click to expand...

there’s no way I can like that post.


----------



## SocketRocket (Oct 18, 2021)

I've had better days out!


----------



## Slime (Oct 18, 2021)

Santa's Checkride.

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. 
Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He check the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. 
He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's absolutely enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on take-off."


----------



## DRW (Oct 18, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Oct 18, 2021)




----------



## Liverpoolphil (Oct 19, 2021)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1450417121771597825
😂😂😂


----------



## drdel (Oct 19, 2021)

Council worker with petrol leaf blower working in town today. The trees and wind are winning !!!


----------



## IainP (Oct 19, 2021)

drdel said:



			Council worker with petrol leaf blower working in town today. The trees and wind are winning !!!
		
Click to expand...

Ha. Admit I've never really understood leaf blowers. Seems like moving the dirty dishes from one place to another - isn't going to clean them!


----------



## rulefan (Oct 19, 2021)

IainP said:



			Ha. Admit I've never really understood leaf blowers. Seems like moving the dirty dishes from one place to another - isn't going to clean them!
		
Click to expand...

But it leaves them for someone else to clear.


----------



## Slime (Oct 19, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Oct 19, 2021)




----------



## williamalex1 (Oct 20, 2021)

Oops


----------



## Dando (Oct 20, 2021)




----------



## DRW (Oct 20, 2021)




----------



## DRW (Oct 20, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Oct 20, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Oct 20, 2021)




----------



## Fade and Die (Oct 20, 2021)

Mudball said:



View attachment 39116

Click to expand...

You trying to get banned?


----------



## Liverpoolphil (Oct 20, 2021)

Mudball said:



View attachment 39116

Click to expand...

1. It’s political 
2. It’s not funny


----------



## Blue in Munich (Oct 20, 2021)

Fade and Die said:



			You trying to get banned?
		
Click to expand...

We can but hope


----------



## Pin-seeker (Oct 20, 2021)

Liverpoolphil said:




__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1450417121771597825
😂😂😂
		
Click to expand...

I’m guessing the protester just took his backpack off and was free🤷‍♂️


----------



## jim8flog (Oct 21, 2021)




----------



## pompeybandit (Oct 21, 2021)




----------



## Mudball (Oct 21, 2021)

Fade and Die said:



			You trying to get banned?
		
Click to expand...

I guess jet lag, alcohol and forums don’t mix. 

Good bye for the time being …


----------



## ADB (Oct 21, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Oct 22, 2021)

pompeybandit said:



View attachment 39119

Click to expand...


I used to have one of those


I have in a draw a Casio from the same time (20 plus years ago) it is still going and the time is correct.


----------



## jim8flog (Oct 22, 2021)




----------



## larmen (Oct 22, 2021)

I think the proper term he was looking for is Australians?   https://www.standard.co.uk/news/uk/...s-pubs-christmas-staff-shortages-b961953.html


----------



## Dando (Oct 22, 2021)

Robert Streb getting a "lesson" from Club Pro Guy


----------



## Dando (Oct 22, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Oct 22, 2021)




----------



## bobmac (Oct 23, 2021)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Oct 23, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Oct 23, 2021)

How can you tell when your girlfriend is putting on too much weight?




She fits into your wife's clothes!


----------



## Slime (Oct 23, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Oct 24, 2021)




----------



## Smiffy (Oct 24, 2021)




----------



## Smiffy (Oct 24, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Oct 24, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Oct 24, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Oct 24, 2021)




----------



## Jimaroid (Oct 24, 2021)




----------



## Imurg (Oct 24, 2021)




----------



## SocketRocket (Oct 24, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Oct 26, 2021)




----------



## Tashyboy (Oct 26, 2021)

Ole Gunnar Solskjaer walks into a Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?"
Solskjaer: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, Manager of Manchester United
Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Solskjaer "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr Solskjaer but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Solskjaer,"Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."
Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."
"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"
Solskjaer stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."
Cashier: "Perfect. Will that be large or small notes , Mr Solskjaer


----------



## Dando (Oct 26, 2021)

I've applied for a job at the Citroen factory.
I had to send in 2CVs


----------



## Dando (Oct 26, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Oct 27, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Oct 27, 2021)




----------



## SatchFan (Oct 27, 2021)




----------



## SatchFan (Oct 27, 2021)

Must be good stuff.


----------



## Dando (Oct 27, 2021)

I’ve had to contact the mods about my missing chiropractor joke.
I posted it a about a week back


----------



## Dando (Oct 27, 2021)

My house was burgled last night and they stole my antidepressants

I hope they’re happy now


----------



## Pants (Oct 27, 2021)

@Dando  You're not Leftie in disguise are you?  

2nd thoughts.  Those were far worse than he ever posted.


----------



## Dando (Oct 28, 2021)

Pants said:



@Dando  You're not Leftie in disguise are you?  

2nd thoughts.  Those were far worse than he ever posted.
		
Click to expand...

We do have something in common and it’s not our appalling jokes


----------



## rosecott (Oct 28, 2021)

Dando said:



			We do have something in common and it’s not our appalling jokes
		
Click to expand...

I know what it is and it's not something you would want all the forum to know about.


----------



## DRW (Oct 28, 2021)




----------



## DRW (Oct 28, 2021)




----------



## DRW (Oct 28, 2021)




----------



## bobmac (Oct 28, 2021)




----------



## SatchFan (Oct 28, 2021)




----------



## drdel (Oct 28, 2021)

SatchFan said:



View attachment 39219

Click to expand...

And the process seems to get quicker as I get older....


----------



## Slime (Oct 28, 2021)

Meanwhile, somewhere in Scotland;


----------



## Dando (Oct 28, 2021)




----------



## Tashyboy (Oct 28, 2021)

Man Utd have given Barcelona permission to speak to Ole Solskjaer.


----------



## Dando (Oct 29, 2021)

Police confirm 2 footballers homes have been burgled.Tony Adams of Arsenal lost 66 England caps,4 league medals,1 European Cup Winners medal,3 FA Cup medals,2 League Cup medals.  2 Charity Shield medals. It's believed Harry Kane of Spurs  lost a kettle and a toaster


----------



## larmen (Oct 29, 2021)

Dando said:



			Police confirm 2 footballers homes have been burgled.Tony Adams of Arsenal lost 66 England caps,4 league medals,1 European Cup Winners medal,3 FA Cup medals,2 League Cup medals.  2 Charity Shield medals. It's believed Harry Kane of Spurs  lost a kettle and a toaster
		
Click to expand...

Has Kane really never won anything? League, cup, …? He must be near the top of people that earned the most without any titles.


----------



## SocketRocket (Oct 29, 2021)




----------



## RichardRichieRich (Oct 30, 2021)

You have to be positive about everything! When you have a sense of humour. 
in a sense of humour, life gets a lot easier!


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Oct 30, 2021)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Oct 30, 2021)




----------



## bobmac (Oct 30, 2021)

PhilTheFragger said:



View attachment 39247

Click to expand...

Is this still the laughter thread?


----------



## SatchFan (Oct 30, 2021)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Oct 30, 2021)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Oct 30, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Oct 30, 2021)




----------



## Pants (Oct 30, 2021)

bobmac said:



			Is this still the laughter thread?
		
Click to expand...

And that was one of the "funnier" ones in the last few pages.  Have to admit that I rarely find the pictorial ones that humourous.  Clever, witty, punny (is that a proper word?) one/two liners do it for me


----------



## Dando (Oct 31, 2021)

My wife's cooking is truly horrendous!
I'm not a religious man but I wouldn't dream of eating her gruel without at least 3 Hail Mary's
Then I bought her a Ninja air fryer and as if by magic she now serves me up the same inedible crap but in half the time and twice as burnt!


----------



## Slime (Oct 31, 2021)




----------



## bobmac (Oct 31, 2021)

I can't get over my wife, I have to get up and go round her. (Dawson, L. 1975)


----------



## jim8flog (Oct 31, 2021)

I was walking through the ladies underwear section at M&S today (don't ask) when I saw a display of panties with the title "Brazilian"
I always thought a lady's Brazilian was something else.


----------



## Tashyboy (Oct 31, 2021)

Me and Missis T had just sat down to eat our sourdough cheese and chutney butties bought from the craft and food fair earlier today. The doorbell rings and Missis T is at the front door sorting out the halloweeners. She said “ that would of made you smile”. “ “what’s that” I mumbled through a mouth full of pork pie. The woman who was escorting the kids around the estate says “ we have had to come back out”, “whys that” says Missis T. An 8 ish yr old points at the 3 years old and says “ coz he did a poo in his pants”. 😳💩😂


----------



## Slime (Oct 31, 2021)




----------



## clubchamp98 (Oct 31, 2021)

Tashyboy said:



			Me and Missis T had just sat down to eat our sourdough cheese and chutney butties bought from the craft and food fair earlier today. The doorbell rings and Missis T is at the front door sorting out the halloweeners. She said “ that would of made you smile”. “ “what’s that” I mumbled through a mouth full of pork pie. The woman who was escorting the kids around the estate says “ we have had to come back out”, “whys that” says Missis T. An 8 ish yr old points at the 3 years old and says “ coz he did a poo in his pants”. 😳💩😂
		
Click to expand...

You have a pork pie on your cheese butty.
Respect.


----------



## Tashyboy (Oct 31, 2021)

clubchamp98 said:



			You have a pork pie on your cheese butty.
Respect.
		
Click to expand...

Called into a craft and food fair, Missis T booked the tickets a few months ago. Lordy flippin Lordy. The food was fantastic. Missis T is three gins better off. Oddly enough from the village next door. Pork pie from a farm shop.unfortunately Missis T loves it, so she will have half of what’s left. Spoilt for choice tomorrow whether I have another cheese Butty or me steak and kidney pieeeee.


----------



## Fade and Die (Oct 31, 2021)




----------



## Mudball (Nov 1, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Nov 1, 2021)




----------



## bobmac (Nov 1, 2021)

And yet, all the petrol/diesel pumps are under cover.
Braintree has the right idea.

https://www.greencarguide.co.uk/2020/12/gridserve-opens-uks-first-electric-forecourt/


----------



## drdel (Nov 1, 2021)

Fade and Die said:



View attachment 39281

Click to expand...

That's a tart, pies have lids....


----------



## Fade and Die (Nov 1, 2021)

drdel said:



			That's a tart, pies have lids....
		
Click to expand...

This wouldn't be the internet if i didn't respond 


Real Florida Key Lime Pie Recipe - MyGourmetConnection


----------



## rulefan (Nov 1, 2021)

Fade and Die said:



			This wouldn't be the internet if i didn't respond 


Real Florida Key Lime Pie Recipe - MyGourmetConnection

Click to expand...

Different language over there


----------



## Rooter (Nov 1, 2021)

jim8flog said:



			I was walking through the ladies underwear section at M&S today (don't ask) when I saw a display of panties with the title "Brazilian"
I always thought a lady's Brazilian was something else.
		
Click to expand...

Thats a lot of pants! Exactly how many is a Brazillian again? is it 100 Billion?


----------



## Slime (Nov 1, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Nov 1, 2021)




----------



## Voyager EMH (Nov 2, 2021)

Pants said:



			And that was one of the "funnier" ones in the last few pages.  Have to admit that I rarely find the pictorial ones that humourous.  Clever, witty, punny (is that a proper word?) one/two liners do it for me 

Click to expand...

That's over 48 hours of serious thought I've given to this one and I still don't get it.


----------



## Slime (Nov 2, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Nov 2, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Nov 2, 2021)




----------



## SatchFan (Nov 3, 2021)




----------



## toyboy54 (Nov 3, 2021)

rulefan said:



			Different language over there
		
Click to expand...

Stop Being PIEDANTIC ( sorry!)


----------



## ColchesterFC (Nov 3, 2021)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Nov 4, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Nov 4, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Nov 4, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Nov 4, 2021)




----------



## clubchamp98 (Nov 4, 2021)

ColchesterFC said:








Click to expand...

Couple of schoolboy errors.
George is not looking at the ball and John should be behind the wall.


----------



## ColchesterFC (Nov 4, 2021)

clubchamp98 said:



			Couple of schoolboy errors.
George is not looking at the ball and John should be behind the wall.

Click to expand...

They're facing the keeper while he lines up the wall. The free kick was given for a foul just to the left of Tower Bridge. 😃


----------



## clubchamp98 (Nov 4, 2021)

ColchesterFC said:



			They're facing the keeper while he lines up the wall. The free kick was given for a foul just to the left of Tower Bridge. 😃
		
Click to expand...

Pitch looks a bit damp.


----------



## ColchesterFC (Nov 4, 2021)

clubchamp98 said:



			Pitch looks a bit damp.
		
Click to expand...

You're obviously one of these Jonny come lately Premier League era football fans. That's what pitches were like back in the 60's and 70's. 😉


----------



## drdel (Nov 4, 2021)

ColchesterFC said:



			You're obviously one of these Jonny come lately Premier League era football fans. That's what pitches were like back in the 60's and 70's. 😉
		
Click to expand...

I give you the '50s when pitches were just mown fields,  usually with a slope so it was best to get your second half playing down hill.


----------



## clubchamp98 (Nov 4, 2021)

ColchesterFC said:



			You're obviously one of these Jonny come lately Premier League era football fans. That's what pitches were like back in the 60's and 70's. 😉
		
Click to expand...

Yes I remember the worst I ever saw was Derby County.
No grass at all.


----------



## upsidedown (Nov 4, 2021)

clubchamp98 said:



			Yes I remember the worst I ever saw was Derby County.
No grass at all.
		
Click to expand...

Play a fair bit of golf with Alan Durban and his knees are totally shot , sure  that pitch hasn't helped


----------



## Lord Tyrion (Nov 4, 2021)

clubchamp98 said:



			Yes I remember the worst I ever saw was Derby County.
No grass at all.
		
Click to expand...

That was crackers wasn't it? Every season The Baseball Ground would become a mudbath, it was legendary. I can still picture it now on MotD or Big Match Special. Scandalous how they could get away with it and how far have grounds come since then?


----------



## Dando (Nov 4, 2021)

I have plenty of these over the years


----------



## stefanovic (Nov 4, 2021)

Do they show repeats of The Flintstones in the UAE?
Dubai don't but Abu Dhabi do.

Novice nun joins a convent.
On her first day she is informed by the Mother Superior that she can speak only two words every 12 months.
At he end of the first year the MS tells her to speak.
"Uncomfortable beds."
End of 2nd year.
"Bad food".
3rd year.
"Want out."
MS: "Can't say I'm surprised because you've nothing but grumble ever since you've been here".


----------



## Dando (Nov 4, 2021)

A bloke took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.
The presenter said, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"Sticks" the bloke replied.


----------



## JamesR (Nov 4, 2021)

Lord Tyrion said:



			That was crackers wasn't it? Every season The Baseball Ground would become a mudbath, it was legendary. I can still picture it now on MotD or Big Match Special. Scandalous how they could get away with it and how far have grounds come since then?
		
Click to expand...

They had to repaint the spot once, so Gerry Daly could take a penalty


----------



## Dando (Nov 4, 2021)

Chris Eubank has written a book about Ethics. If it’s a success his next book will be about Kent.


----------



## Imurg (Nov 4, 2021)

Dando said:



			Chris Eubank has written a book about Ethics. If it’s a success his next book will be about Kent.
		
Click to expand...

I laughed at this much more than I should have....


----------



## Dando (Nov 4, 2021)

Imurg said:



			I laughed at this much more than I should have....
		
Click to expand...

At your age that’s dangerous as there’s all sorts of things that could go wrong


----------



## Slime (Nov 4, 2021)




----------



## bobmac (Nov 5, 2021)




----------



## spongebob59 (Nov 5, 2021)




----------



## SatchFan (Nov 5, 2021)

Parents today: Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me if you run out of anything, text me when you're coming home. 

Parents in the 70s/ 80s: Bye...


----------



## CliveW (Nov 5, 2021)

SatchFan said:



			Parents today: Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me if you run out of anything, text me when you're coming home.

Parents in the 70s/ 80s: Bye...
		
Click to expand...

This makes interesting reading...
https://8billiontrees.com/carbon-offsets-credits/reduce-carbon-footprint/texts-emails/


----------



## rulefan (Nov 5, 2021)

CliveW said:



			This makes interesting reading...
https://8billiontrees.com/carbon-offsets-credits/reduce-carbon-footprint/texts-emails/

Click to expand...

But not exactly laughter making


----------



## AliMc (Nov 5, 2021)

SatchFan said:



			Parents today: Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me if you run out of anything, text me when you're coming home.

Parents in the 70s/ 80s: Bye...
		
Click to expand...

So true, 18 yo son at Stirling Uni, just give him money each month and let him get on with it, just text 15 yo daughter, are you coming home for your tea soon !


----------



## Slime (Nov 5, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Nov 5, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Nov 5, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Nov 5, 2021)

Got home last night and my wife was watching some cooking program.  I said "What the heck are you watching that for, you can't cook?"
She replied ........................................ "Well, you watch porn".                     
​


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Nov 6, 2021)




----------



## CliveW (Nov 6, 2021)




----------



## drdel (Nov 6, 2021)

CliveW said:








Click to expand...

 Don't let good 'whole life impact analysis' and truth get in the way of mob rhetoric.


----------



## ColchesterFC (Nov 6, 2021)

drdel said:



			Don't let good 'whole life impact analysis' and truth get in the way of mob rhetoric.
		
Click to expand...

Mob rhetoric from the Guardian and Financial Times?

https://www.theguardian.com/global-...uit-over-congolese-child-cobalt-mining-deaths

https://www.ft.com/content/c6909812-9ce4-11e9-9c06-a4640c9feebb

Let's not let support of reducing fossil fuel use by introducing electric cars ignore the fact that kids are mining cobalt for the batteries in the DRC.


----------



## Slime (Nov 6, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Nov 6, 2021)




----------



## bobmac (Nov 6, 2021)

ColchesterFC said:



			Let's not let support of reducing fossil fuel use by introducing electric cars ignore the fact that kids are mining cobalt for the batteries in the DRC.
		
Click to expand...

And let's not forget that cobalt is also used in the refinement of crude oil to make diesel and petrol.
But they are working on it...
https://techwireasia.com/2021/04/the-future-of-electric-vehicle-with-cobalt-free-batteries/


----------



## ColchesterFC (Nov 6, 2021)

bobmac said:



			And let's not forget that cobalt is also used in the refinement of crude oil to make diesel and petrol.
But they are working on it...
https://techwireasia.com/2021/04/the-future-of-electric-vehicle-with-cobalt-free-batteries/

Click to expand...

It is indeed but in far smaller quantities than the amount used for batteries. In a 2018 European Commission report "Cobalt: demand-supply balances in the transition to electric mobility" 49% of all mined cobalt was used in batteries. Just 5% was used as a catalyst, which is what it's used for in the oil industry. I can't imagine that with the increase in electric car production since 2018 that the figure has reduced since the report was published.


----------



## Crow (Nov 6, 2021)

It's not the fact that cobalt is used in any of these products that's the issue, it's the fact that child labour is being used to mine it.


----------



## williamalex1 (Nov 6, 2021)

Crow said:



			It's not the fact that cobalt is used in any of these products that's the issue, it's the fact that child labour is being used to mine it.
		
Click to expand...

Jeso, it's a laughter thread , do you really expect us oldies to mine it, kids are much quicker.


----------



## ADB (Nov 6, 2021)




----------



## Foxholer (Nov 6, 2021)

Crow said:



			It's not the fact that cobalt is used in any of these products that's the issue, it's the fact that child labour is being used to mine it.
		
Click to expand...

I'm certain that use of Cobalt for vehicle batteries will be greatly reduced - simply because of cost. Cost of batteries is hugely significant to cost of EVs! 
There'll always be some sort of child exploitation somewhere in this world imo!
Btw. Lithium (also used in batteries, including golf trolley ones) mining isn't exactly environmentally friendly either! In fact, I doubt there's any 'mining' that is!


----------



## Beedee (Nov 6, 2021)

Don't suppose you could take this discussion elsewhere gents?


----------



## SocketRocket (Nov 6, 2021)

bobmac said:



			And let's not forget that cobalt is also used in the refinement of crude oil to make diesel and petrol.
But they are working on it...
https://techwireasia.com/2021/04/the-future-of-electric-vehicle-with-cobalt-free-batteries/

Click to expand...

Think you forgot the punch line!


----------



## SocketRocket (Nov 6, 2021)

Foxholer said:



			I'm certain that use of Cobalt for vehicle batteries will be greatly reduced - simply because of cost. Cost of batteries is hugely significant to cost of EVs!
There'll always be some sort of child exploitation somewhere in this world imo!
Btw. Lithium (also used in batteries, including golf trolley ones) mining isn't exactly environmentally friendly either! In fact, I doubt there's any 'mining' that is!
		
Click to expand...

These aren't getting any funnier.


----------



## fundy (Nov 6, 2021)

Would you buy a leccy car thread that way ------------------------------------>


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Nov 6, 2021)

EV thread for E V comments please

Meanwhile here is a driving joke


----------



## SocketRocket (Nov 6, 2021)




----------



## williamalex1 (Nov 6, 2021)

SocketRocket said:



View attachment 39381

Click to expand...

A white haired Bernie Winters lol


----------



## Dando (Nov 6, 2021)

I’ve had to take a second job as a waiter.
The moneys not great but it puts food on the table


----------



## toyboy54 (Nov 7, 2021)

williamalex1 said:



			A white haired Bernie Winters lol
		
Click to expand...

And about as funny!!


----------



## Slime (Nov 7, 2021)




----------



## DRW (Nov 8, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Nov 8, 2021)

Have you ever stopped half way during eating a horse and thought, "I wasn't that hungry after all".


----------



## Slime (Nov 8, 2021)




----------



## DRW (Nov 8, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Nov 8, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Nov 8, 2021)




----------



## SocketRocket (Nov 8, 2021)

When you've left your car running on the drive to defrost the windscreen and the doorbell rings!


----------



## Mudball (Nov 9, 2021)




----------



## CliveW (Nov 9, 2021)

Slime said:








Click to expand...

That reminded me of this...


----------



## Slime (Nov 9, 2021)

CliveW said:



			That reminded me of this...






Click to expand...

Wow, does everyone in Bury have such weird, ugly faces?
It must be something in the water.


----------



## Slime (Nov 9, 2021)

I wanted to plant some apple trees but was really fretting about them producing any decent fruit. 


Mrs Slime told me to grow a pear!


----------



## Slime (Nov 9, 2021)

My wife asked me to name something I'm not very good at beginning with the letter N.


I replied .......................... "Spelling."


----------



## Fade and Die (Nov 9, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Nov 9, 2021)

Mrs d just asked if I’d seen the dog bowl.

I had no idea he liked cricket


----------



## Leftie (Nov 9, 2021)

I bought my wife a pug as a present. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.


----------



## Leftie (Nov 9, 2021)

I've finished my Christmas cards early this year. Both Visa and MasterCard are maxed out.


----------



## Leftie (Nov 9, 2021)

Today’s top tip: When cooking kale, try adding some coconut oil. It makes it a lot easier to scrape into the bin.


----------



## SatchFan (Nov 10, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Nov 10, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Nov 10, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Nov 10, 2021)




----------



## toyboy54 (Nov 10, 2021)

I'm praying that this hasn't been done but, if so, then please forgive me for having good taste

YEARS AGO we had; EMPIRES run by Emperors
                              KINGDOMS run by Kings
NOW? we have; COUNTRIES run by *****?
Love to all Mods


----------



## IainP (Nov 10, 2021)

👆
You should be safe..
https://forums.golfmonthly.com/threads/laughter-the-best-medicine.104719/post-2410094


----------



## Voyager EMH (Nov 11, 2021)

There could be people outside number 10 today shouting,

"COX OUT, COX OUT!"


----------



## Voyager EMH (Nov 11, 2021)

Then next week, to amuse our American friends, they will be shouting,

"JOHNSON OUT, JOHNSON OUT!"

(Not political mods, only a play on words, honest)


----------



## jim8flog (Nov 11, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Nov 12, 2021)




----------



## DRW (Nov 12, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Nov 12, 2021)




----------



## Imurg (Nov 12, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Nov 12, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Nov 13, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Nov 13, 2021)

And you thought 2020 was a bad year?


----------



## SocketRocket (Nov 13, 2021)




----------



## Fade and Die (Nov 14, 2021)




----------



## Imurg (Nov 14, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Nov 14, 2021)

Apparently I’m childish and I’m also not allowed in Matalan alone


----------



## Dando (Nov 14, 2021)




----------



## Blue in Munich (Nov 14, 2021)

Dando said:



			Apparently I’m childish and I’m also not allowed in Matalan alone 
	View attachment 39511

Click to expand...

Mrs BiM has been cheered up.


----------



## williamalex1 (Nov 14, 2021)

Dando said:



			Apparently I’m childish and I’m also not allowed in Matalan alone 
	View attachment 39511

Click to expand...

Perfect timing and the perfect pressie for a smart ass forum member I've never met.


----------



## Slime (Nov 14, 2021)

I met a girl down the pub, she said "Come outside and I'll show you a good time."




I went with her and she ran 100m in 10.98 seconds.


----------



## Dando (Nov 15, 2021)

scientists have developed a new drug for Tourette's and so far its been successful.

patients are swearing by it


----------



## Imurg (Nov 15, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Nov 15, 2021)




----------



## Doon frae Troon (Nov 15, 2021)

williamalex1 said:



			A white haired Bernie Winters lol
		
Click to expand...

Seemingly Bernie Winters was too scared to go on stage at the Glasgow Empire.
Mike went on first to 'warm' up the 'restless' audience.
After 5 minutes Bernie walks on to stone cold silence.....
A single voice shouts out................Awe Christ there's two of them.


----------



## Slime (Nov 15, 2021)

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom, when she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
"What are u doing?" She exclaimed!!!
The daughter replied,"I'm 35 & still living at home with my parents & this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband".
Later that week the father was in the kitchen & heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are u doing?" He exclaimed!!!
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 & still living at home with my parents & this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband".
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there she found her husband watching the England game on TV with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are u doing?" She exclaimed!!!
He replied..........
"Watching the game with my Son-In-Law".


----------



## Dando (Nov 15, 2021)




----------



## toyboy54 (Nov 15, 2021)

williamalex1 said:



			Perfect timing and the perfect pressie for a smart ass forum member I've never met.

Click to expand...

THE MIND BOGGLES
Good game going on at Hampden tonight-look like a team enjoying themselves!..( please do not come back and bite me on the-attachment 39511)


----------



## Hobbit (Nov 15, 2021)

LOL…

Amazon fulfilment Centre……….. Lol, a warehouse is called a fulfilment centre. Sorry but it made me laugh.


----------



## Crow (Nov 15, 2021)

Hobbit said:



			LOL…

Amazon fulfilment Centre……….. Lol, a warehouse is called a fulfilment centre. Sorry but it made me laugh.
		
Click to expand...

Well you shouldn't laugh, a management team probably spent 6 months and £750,000 coming up with that name.


----------



## drdel (Nov 16, 2021)

Crow said:



			Well you shouldn't laugh, a management team probably spent 6 months and £750,000 coming up with that name.
		
Click to expand...

Is that Amazon thinking ' Outside the box" ?


----------



## clubchamp98 (Nov 16, 2021)

Hobbit said:



			LOL…

Amazon fulfilment Centre……….. Lol, a warehouse is called a fulfilment centre. Sorry but it made me laugh.
		
Click to expand...

What’s it called if they havnt got what you want in stock.?


----------



## sweaty sock (Nov 16, 2021)

An argos fulfillment centre


----------



## Voyager EMH (Nov 16, 2021)

Argos Anti-climax Centre


----------



## Slime (Nov 16, 2021)

Whatisthatlongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?


----------



## Dando (Nov 16, 2021)




----------



## Blue in Munich (Nov 16, 2021)

Dando said:



View attachment 39535

Click to expand...


Mrs BiM says it must have been a simple argument...

but she did have a little smile.


----------



## Slime (Nov 16, 2021)

Mrs Slime yelled from the bedroom,
"Do you ever get a shooting pain right through your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
I replied, "No."
She yelled back, "How about now?"


----------



## clubchamp98 (Nov 17, 2021)

Slime said:



			Mrs Slime yelled from the bedroom,
"Do you ever get a shooting pain right through your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
I replied, "No."
She yelled back, "How about now?"
		
Click to expand...

I bet OGS does!


----------



## SwingsitlikeHogan (Nov 17, 2021)

It’s not Hilarious but made me smile…got an expensive four page colour A4 leaflet through the door this morning from local well established estate agency - things to do when presenting your house to the market. 

And under ‘Sniff out Problems’ they talk of dog and cooking smells…and conclude that we should ‘…_improve_ _the oil factory impact of walking through your door’  😊_

Don‘t you just love predicated text…


----------



## Dando (Nov 17, 2021)

a bride on her wedding night says to her husband, " i have a confession to make my love, I used to be a hooker" 

stunned he replies "that's a shock, but i find it pretty erotic. tell me more."

she replies, "well my name was Nigel and i played for Wigan"


----------



## Slime (Nov 17, 2021)

Just finished reading an excellent book called 'Fights on a Narrow Boat' by R G Bargee.


----------



## Fade and Die (Nov 17, 2021)

At the risk of being branded Xenophobic…😉

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?


One. They’re very efficient and not very funny.


----------



## Dando (Nov 17, 2021)




----------



## SwingsitlikeHogan (Nov 18, 2021)

What do you call a homeless sex addict … a hobosexual? 🤔


----------



## Dando (Nov 18, 2021)

Sounds like a great place to “work”


----------



## DRW (Nov 18, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Nov 18, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Nov 18, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Nov 19, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Nov 19, 2021)

Naan bed?


----------



## Slime (Nov 19, 2021)

I'm currently reading a book on swimming the English Channel.


Written by Francis Near.


----------



## CliveW (Nov 19, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Nov 19, 2021)

We went to the 'Frank Sinatra Bird Sanctuary',
It was rubbish. No flamingos, no storks, no toucans and no emus!​

Egrets ................................ he had a few.                     
​


----------



## Slime (Nov 20, 2021)

I've just seen a sports car drive past driven by a young sheep wearing just a swimsuit!

I think it was a lamb bikini.


----------



## Imurg (Nov 20, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Nov 20, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Nov 20, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Nov 20, 2021)




----------



## bobmac (Nov 20, 2021)




----------



## CliveW (Nov 20, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Nov 20, 2021)

A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The Rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The Priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith."
The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about
five minutes.
Finally, the Rabbi said, "Sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Nov 20, 2021)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Nov 20, 2021)

Slime said:



Naan bed?


View attachment 39572


Click to expand...

Does it come with a pilau case? 
Asking for a friend 😂😂


----------



## toyboy54 (Nov 20, 2021)

CliveW said:









Click to expand...

Excelled yourself CLIVE-brilliant


----------



## jim8flog (Nov 21, 2021)

The Wheel last night

Michael McIntyre 
"Name a fruit or vegetable which is green"

Big Nastie
"Orange"


----------



## Voyager EMH (Nov 21, 2021)

Not wrong then?


----------



## bobmac (Nov 21, 2021)

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?






A carrot


----------



## ColchesterFC (Nov 21, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Nov 21, 2021)

I once dated a dwarf. She complained about my 'small' jokes constantly so I decided to make it up, spoil her. When she got home from work, told her I had flowers, wine, a box of chocolates and a takeaway on its way. All was going well until I said I'd ran her a nice hot sink


----------



## rulefan (Nov 21, 2021)

Dando said:



			I once dated a dwarf. She complained about my 'small' jokes constantly so I decided to make it up, spoil her. When she got home from work, told her I had flowers, wine, a box of chocolates and a takeaway on its way. All was going well until I said I'd ran her a nice hot sink
		
Click to expand...


----------



## Slime (Nov 21, 2021)

H from steps is seriously ill in hospital.


A helicopter landed on him.


----------



## Slime (Nov 21, 2021)




----------



## SocketRocket (Nov 21, 2021)

Dando said:



			a bride on her wedding night says to her husband, " i have a confession to make my love, I used to be a hooker"

stunned he replies "that's a shock, but i find it pretty erotic. tell me more."

she replies, "well my name was Nigel and i played for Wigan"
		
Click to expand...

My wife fessed up to me just after we were married that she was a Hooker.  I suggested she weakened her grip a bit and tried cutting across the ball.


----------



## Dando (Nov 21, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Nov 21, 2021)

The UK's first bio bus powered by human waste crashed today. Investigators are examining a huge skid mark left on the road


----------



## Dando (Nov 21, 2021)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Nov 21, 2021)

What’s the difference between black eye peas and chick peas?

Black eye peas can sing us a song; chick peas can only hummus one.


I’m so so sorry for that last joke 😂😂😂


----------



## Imurg (Nov 21, 2021)

PhilTheFragger said:



			What’s the difference between black eye peas and chick peas?

Black eye peas can sing us a song; chick peas can only hummus one.


I’m so so sorry for that last joke 😂😂😂
		
Click to expand...

Which joke was that?


----------



## Blue in Munich (Nov 21, 2021)

PhilTheFragger said:



			What’s the difference between black eye peas and chick peas?

Black eye peas can sing us a song; chick peas can only hummus one.


*I’m so so sorry for that last joke *😂😂😂
		
Click to expand...

No you're not.


----------



## Pants (Nov 21, 2021)

That proves it then.  (Some) Mods don't have a sense of humour


----------



## SocketRocket (Nov 21, 2021)

PhilTheFragger said:



			What’s the difference between black eye peas and chick peas?

Black eye peas can sing us a song; chick peas can only hummus one.


I’m so so sorry for that last joke 😂😂😂
		
Click to expand...

😳


----------



## Imurg (Nov 22, 2021)




----------



## Hobbit (Nov 22, 2021)

Almost a great day on Saturday… sat in the recliner, naked with a big bag of Dorito’s and a good book.



Pity the staff in SCS weren’t quite so chuffed.


----------



## jim8flog (Nov 22, 2021)




----------



## DRW (Nov 22, 2021)




----------



## DRW (Nov 22, 2021)




----------



## DRW (Nov 22, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Nov 22, 2021)

just found out Steffi Graf had a sister called Polly. I'm not lying either


----------



## teetime75 (Nov 22, 2021)

DRW said:



View attachment 39606

Click to expand...


----------



## teetime75 (Nov 22, 2021)

DRW said:



View attachment 39606

Click to expand...

I was at the landing site.


----------



## Slime (Nov 22, 2021)




----------



## SocketRocket (Nov 22, 2021)

Hobbit said:



			Almost a great day on Saturday… sat in the recliner, naked with a big bag of Dorito’s and a good book.



Pity the staff in SCS weren’t quite so chuffed.
		
Click to expand...

I know a bloke that took advantage of his wife as she was leaning into the deep freezer.


They're now banned from Tesco for life.


----------



## Slime (Nov 22, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Nov 22, 2021)




----------



## SocketRocket (Nov 22, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Nov 22, 2021)




----------



## Imurg (Nov 23, 2021)




----------



## Imurg (Nov 23, 2021)




----------



## IainP (Nov 23, 2021)

There's a few 'black Friday' threads currently ...


----------



## Slime (Nov 24, 2021)




----------



## SatchFan (Nov 24, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Nov 24, 2021)




----------



## Imurg (Nov 24, 2021)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1463460988506673159


----------



## Dando (Nov 25, 2021)

Imurg said:




__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1463460988506673159

Click to expand...

Are they your students?


----------



## Imurg (Nov 25, 2021)

Dando said:



			Are they your students?
		
Click to expand...

Waaay too slow...


----------



## Mudball (Nov 25, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Nov 25, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Nov 25, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Nov 25, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Nov 25, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Nov 25, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Nov 25, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Nov 25, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Nov 26, 2021)

what’s the betting I get Matt Hancock


----------



## DRW (Nov 26, 2021)




----------



## BiMGuy (Nov 26, 2021)

Mudball said:








Click to expand...

You could say exactly the same things about seniors who are being asked to use a new handicap system, or enter a score electronically, but find it a bit complicated!


----------



## Slime (Nov 26, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Nov 26, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Nov 26, 2021)




----------



## Imurg (Nov 26, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Nov 26, 2021)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Nov 26, 2021)

Guys, let’s have a modicum of decorum and decency please


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Nov 26, 2021)




----------



## Imurg (Nov 27, 2021)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Nov 27, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Nov 27, 2021)




----------



## bobmac (Nov 27, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Nov 27, 2021)




----------



## Steve Wilkes (Nov 27, 2021)

Dando said:



View attachment 39684

Click to expand...

Needs a furry mouse on a string and then watch then go


----------



## Slime (Nov 27, 2021)

A photographer friend of mine was killed when a huge lump of chedder fell on him. 


To be fair, the people being photographed did appear to try and warn him.


----------



## AmandaJR (Nov 27, 2021)

Slime said:



			A photographer friend of mine was killed when a huge lump of chedder fell on him.


To be fair, the people being photographed did appear to try and warn him.
		
Click to expand...

That one took me a while


----------



## NearHull (Nov 27, 2021)

AmandaJR said:



			That one took me a while 

Click to expand...

Three readings for me to get it.


----------



## Dando (Nov 27, 2021)




----------



## CliveW (Nov 28, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Nov 28, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Nov 28, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Nov 28, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Nov 28, 2021)

Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his
career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another,
he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very
rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one
hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough
to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing
an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and
live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need-a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."  The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said,
"Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"​"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit.  It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new
shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve
and... 16 and a half neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"​"Been in the business 60 years!"​Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure ..." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2...." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"​"Been in the business 60 years!"​Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."​The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34.​It will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."                     
​ 


​


----------



## Dando (Nov 28, 2021)

I'm not saying people in my area have bad teeth, but one woman just smiled in Tesco and the barcode scanner picked it up as a set of saucepans.


----------



## williamalex1 (Nov 28, 2021)

Some crackers in Billy Connoly's ,in his own words, just now on channel 5.
Some stories I've never heard before , tears in my eyes laughing , even at the stories I have already  heard


----------



## ColchesterFC (Nov 28, 2021)




----------



## Blue in Munich (Nov 29, 2021)




----------



## DRW (Nov 29, 2021)




----------



## DRW (Nov 29, 2021)




----------



## rosecott (Nov 29, 2021)

From the Yorkshire Herald Newspaper> 
*Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair In Hospital *

A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment.

 Furious film fan and part-time plus-size XXXL model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the 'Ink It Good' Tattoo Emporium in Wellgate, Yorkshire last week, to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur.

 Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.

 "It was a big job in more ways than one", he told us "I'd just lit a roll-up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It's delicate, close up work.
 Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston's whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp –
 and before I know what's happening, there's a flame shooting from her arse to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire."
 Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel.
 The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.

 "To be honest", said Jason, "I didn't even realize she was wearing one. You'd need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure.
 She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I'd have been none the wiser."
  Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock.
 Both are adamant that the other is to blame.

 "I'm furious" said Jason, "I've got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrow's not there any more.
 I don't know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind would be more appropriate. You don't just let rip in someone's face like that. It's dangerous."

 But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant.

 "I'm still in agony," she said, "and Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now.
 Jason shouldn't have had a fag on the go when he's doing close up work, there's no way I'd guff on purpose.
> He'd had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course  My Kev knows that I give him my five-second warning, and I'd have done the same for Jason, but I didn't get chance – it just quietly crept out."

 Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn't surprised when we asked him to comment on what had happened.

 "People just don't appreciate the dangers," he told us. "We get more call outs to flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days now that people have moved over to oven chips.
 We have a slogan 'Flame 'n fart – keep 'em apart'. Anyone engaging in an arse-inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in the future.
 On behalf of the entire Fire and Rescue service, we wish them both a swift recovery."

 You couldn't make this up if you tried!


----------



## Lord Tyrion (Nov 29, 2021)

@rosecott That sounds like one of Viz's finest


----------



## fundy (Nov 29, 2021)

Lord Tyrion said:



@rosecott That sounds like one of Viz's finest 

Click to expand...

Tracey Munter and Jason Burns 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣


----------



## Blue in Munich (Nov 29, 2021)

Lord Tyrion said:



@rosecott That sounds like one of Viz's finest 

Click to expand...

Sounds more like Armageddon from YouTube, and no, I'm not posting it here...


----------



## yandabrown (Nov 29, 2021)




----------



## BiMGuy (Nov 29, 2021)




----------



## JollyRedDevil (Nov 29, 2021)




----------



## Imurg (Nov 29, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Nov 29, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Nov 29, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Nov 29, 2021)




----------



## spongebob59 (Nov 29, 2021)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Nov 29, 2021)

Imurg said:



View attachment 39719

Click to expand...

And also MICRO NOB.


----------



## Crow (Nov 29, 2021)

ColchesterFC said:



			And also MICRO NOB.
		
Click to expand...

And also CRIMBO ON.


----------



## Dando (Nov 30, 2021)




----------



## DRW (Nov 30, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Nov 30, 2021)




----------



## SocketRocket (Nov 30, 2021)

Mother having tea with the Vicar.

Johnny comes down from the bedroom and says "Mum, Jimmy keeps pulling the overcoat off the bed"

Mother says "Tell him to stop it and it's a duvet not an overcoat"

Later Johnny comes down again and says "Mum, Jimmy has pulled the sleeve off the duvet"


----------



## Lord Tyrion (Nov 30, 2021)

SocketRocket said:



			Mother having tea with the Vicar.

Johnny comes down from the bedroom and says "Mum, Jimmy keeps pulling the overcoat off the bed"

Mother says "Tell him to stop it and it's a duvet not an overcoat"

Later Johnny comes down again and says "Mum, Jimmy has pulled the sleeve off the duvet"
		
Click to expand...

This could possibly be the oldest joke ever posted on here 👏.

I've heard it told by Bobby Thompson, NE, Max Boyce, Wales and at least 3 other regional comedians from 'back in the day' who I can't quite name for now. Their versions are much longer of course. Anyone name the others who had a version?

One for the oldies 😂


----------



## backwoodsman (Nov 30, 2021)

Lord Tyrion said:



			This could possibly be the oldest joke ever posted on here 👏.

I've heard it told by Bobby Thompson, NE, Max Boyce, Wales and at least 3 other regional comedians from 'back in the day' who I can't quite name for now. Their versions are much longer of course. Anyone name the others who had a version?

One for the oldies 😂
		
Click to expand...

Not sure of the timing in relation to the folk you mention, but the first person I heard tell it was Billy Connolly.


----------



## Lord Tyrion (Nov 30, 2021)

backwoodsman said:



			Not sure of the timing in relation to the folk you mention, but the first person I heard tell it was Billy Connolly.
		
Click to expand...

Bobby Thompson was telling it, from clips I've seen, back in the 70's. I heard Max Boyce do it in the early 80's but who knows when he first did it. It's the sort of gag that the regional comics could all do before the advent of TV. TV has killed a joke like this being used by different comics. No idea who did it first time around. 

In full length it's a good one, the story being stretched out etc and very much a joke from the working mens clubs.


----------



## SocketRocket (Nov 30, 2021)

Lord Tyrion said:



			This could possibly be the oldest joke ever posted on here 👏.

I've heard it told by Bobby Thompson, NE, Max Boyce, Wales and at least 3 other regional comedians from 'back in the day' who I can't quite name for now. Their versions are much longer of course. Anyone name the others who had a version?

One for the oldies 😂
		
Click to expand...

Didn't realise they had to be original 😉

I'll get me duvet.


----------



## Lord Tyrion (Nov 30, 2021)

SocketRocket said:



			Didn't realise they had to be original 😉
		
Click to expand...

They certainly don't 😄. It just made me smile as for whatever reason this joke has stuck in my head over the years, partly because I've heard it in many different, slightly, guises. I hope whoever wrote it originally got royalties beyond the original selling of it😆


----------



## Smiffy (Dec 1, 2021)

Only a fisherman would understand....


----------



## DRW (Dec 1, 2021)




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## Lord Tyrion (Dec 1, 2021)

DRW said:



View attachment 39737

Click to expand...

I'd like to know how successful their request was.








For snow, obviously 🤣


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## bobmac (Dec 1, 2021)

Determined to complete the delivery.


----------



## Slime (Dec 1, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Dec 1, 2021)




----------



## Blue in Munich (Dec 1, 2021)

BREAKING NEWS !

The M25 is blocked after a lorry shed its load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes...

Police say the traffic is pretty stationery...


----------



## SwingsitlikeHogan (Dec 1, 2021)

I know it’s an oldie but it made me smile…

So many of the best racing drivers are named after Scottish places…Stirling Moss, Johnny Dumfries, Lewis Hamilton, Eddie Irvine, Ayr Toon Centre…🙄🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿


----------



## SwingsitlikeHogan (Dec 1, 2021)

Blue in Munich said:



			BREAKING NEWS !

The M25 is blocked after a lorry shed its load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes...

Police say the traffic is pretty stationery...
		
Click to expand...

…and the ‘letter‘ of the law will be changed to ‘stamp‘ down on the disruption caused…🤣


----------



## SocketRocket (Dec 1, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Dec 1, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Dec 1, 2021)




----------



## SwingsitlikeHogan (Dec 1, 2021)

jim8flog said:



View attachment 39753

Click to expand...

One for the flying tree-please…?🙄


----------



## Dando (Dec 1, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Dec 1, 2021)

My daughter was doing her homework and asked what I knew about Galileo.
 I said I knew he was a poor boy from a poor family.


----------



## Dando (Dec 2, 2021)




----------



## Voyager EMH (Dec 2, 2021)

Fifty "Sheds" Of Grey
--------------------------------------------------------------

We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall. In the end we came to the conclusion that the bottom of the garden was the only place for a shed.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”
So I took her to the Garden Centre.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally I moaned with pleasure.
Now for the other boot.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.
“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”
“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua ?”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing a pair of Stilettos.
“I think so,” I gulped.
“Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.”
She nodded.
“Okay,” I said and put the three-piece suite up for sale on eBay.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
“Very well,” I replied and so I left the toilet seat up.


----------



## ColchesterFC (Dec 2, 2021)

***** Advice needed!! *****

Our kids keep finding the Christmas presents that I have hidden around the house.

Someone suggested I put them up in the loft, so I did that last night, I literally had no sleep at all, I could hear them crying and moaning about spiders, the dark and wanting to be let back down.

Any other suggestions please??


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## Slime (Dec 2, 2021)

Bob, a new health and safety officer went into the works canteen on the construction site for the first time for a cuppa, he hung his coat and hard hat in the cloakroom and sat down. Unfortunately, the scaffolders always had a habit of picking on new employees, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his hard hat had been stolen.

Bob strolled back into the canteen, handily flipped his clip board into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and slapped it down hard onto the table, 'Bang!'
"Which one of you pole jumpers stole my hat?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.

"Alright, I'm gonna have another cuppa, and if my hat ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I did in London! And I don't like to have to do what I did in London!"
Some of the scaffolders shifted restlessly. Bob, true to his word, had another cuppa, walked outside, and his hard hat has been returned to the cloakroom.

He started to go back to his office. The site foreman wandered out of the canteen and asked, "Oi mate, before you go... tell me, what happened in London?"

Bob, the safety officer, turned back and said, "I had to buy a new hat."


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## Slime (Dec 2, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Dec 2, 2021)




----------



## Fade and Die (Dec 2, 2021)

Dando said:



View attachment 39769

Click to expand...

As someone with a birthday on the 25th this used to upset me a lot as a kid!😄


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## Imurg (Dec 2, 2021)

Have I just heard correctly that someone's Anti Cancel-Culture Conference has been cancelled


----------



## Slime (Dec 2, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Dec 2, 2021)




----------



## SocketRocket (Dec 2, 2021)

My Wife said I ruined her Birthday.

I didn't even know it was her Birthday!


----------



## SocketRocket (Dec 2, 2021)




----------



## SocketRocket (Dec 2, 2021)




----------



## Smiffy (Dec 3, 2021)




----------



## CliveW (Dec 3, 2021)

A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Cadbury chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I have Scottish blood in ma veins now".


----------



## Dando (Dec 3, 2021)

Sorry if this offends anyone


----------



## spongebob59 (Dec 3, 2021)

Warning contents swearing :

Clarkson's lager advert


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1466476262432587776


----------



## Mudball (Dec 3, 2021)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Dec 3, 2021)

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.

She gave me a hug.


----------



## Dando (Dec 3, 2021)

Warning:  If you get sent a link to listen to the new Ed Sheeran and Elton John Christmas song, don't open it.  It's a link to listen to the new Ed Sheeran and Elton John Christmas song


----------



## Fade and Die (Dec 3, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Dec 4, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Dec 4, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Dec 4, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Dec 4, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Dec 4, 2021)

When I was a kid, people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. 

Life was tough in the gateaux.


----------



## Dando (Dec 4, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 39798

Click to expand...

chewie is still more attractive


----------



## Dando (Dec 4, 2021)

I have a copy of the 1980 Radio Times if anybody wants to know what's on the BBC this Christmas.


----------



## jim8flog (Dec 4, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Dec 4, 2021)

I think I own the worst thesaurus in the world. 
Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

Fortunately it's now been stolen.
I can't find the words to describe how I'm felling.


----------



## Maninblack4612 (Dec 5, 2021)

Slime said:



			I think I own the worst thesaurus in the world.
Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

Fortunately it's now been stolen.
I can't find the words to describe how I'm *felling*.
		
Click to expand...

Chain saw? Axe?


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Dec 5, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Dec 5, 2021)

PhilTheFragger said:



View attachment 39805

Click to expand...

It’s because you haven’t paid the extra release fee!
Maybe use some of your Nigerian lottery winnings


----------



## Voyager EMH (Dec 5, 2021)

It seems I have caused quite a stir in our neighbourhood.

Chap across the road passed away at the start of the year. I've been helping the old lady, well into her 80s, with errands etc.

She's been showing neighbours her new log burner for the summerhouse/conservatory and telling them, "Oh, that nice chap across the road has been wonderful, he gets wood for me whenever I want it."


----------



## Dando (Dec 5, 2021)

Tesco are selling 55" Samsung TVs for £49.99 only because there's a fault with the volume button! At that price you can't turn it down!


----------



## Slime (Dec 5, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Dec 5, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Dec 5, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Dec 5, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Dec 5, 2021)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Dec 5, 2021)




----------



## Pants (Dec 5, 2021)

Just got home and found the door and all the windows open and everything gone.  

What kind of sick bastard does that to someone's advent calendar?


----------



## Dando (Dec 5, 2021)




----------



## Imurg (Dec 6, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Dec 6, 2021)




----------



## Fade and Die (Dec 6, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Dec 7, 2021)

One minute you are young and having  fun the next you're predicting weather with your bad knee


----------



## Rooter (Dec 7, 2021)

Dando said:



			One minute you are young and having  fun the next you're predicting weather with your bad knee
		
Click to expand...

Shouldn't this be in the what did you do today thread?!


----------



## GB72 (Dec 7, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Dec 7, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Dec 7, 2021)

Not after loads of or well done comments but this morning in Asda I was behind an old lady whose shopping came to £56.83. 
However she only had about £50 on her so I thought as she was probably someone’s Gran I would help her. 
I’d like to think someone would have helped my Gran out in her position. 
She didn’t want me to help her but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves.


----------



## williamalex1 (Dec 7, 2021)

Say no more , Oink


----------



## bobmac (Dec 8, 2021)

When I was outside Asda I came across a lady who was in tears and obviously very upset. Apparently she'd just lost her life savings.
I felt sorry for her so I gave her £100.
I'm not normally that generous but I'd just found £25,000 in the car park so I was feeling generous.


----------



## SatchFan (Dec 8, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Dec 8, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Dec 8, 2021)




----------



## bobmac (Dec 8, 2021)

Why do they always put the heater controls so close to the sunroof button


----------



## SwingsitlikeHogan (Dec 8, 2021)

GB72 said:



View attachment 39838

Click to expand...

That’ll be the Pibroch variant, in some it causes confusion, headaches, severe tinnitus and ringing in the ears, and need for fresh air.  Others find it soothing.


----------



## spongebob59 (Dec 8, 2021)

So we’re now in a position where the only way I can go to the office is if I take cheese and wine?


----------



## Dando (Dec 8, 2021)




----------



## Imurg (Dec 8, 2021)

Dando said:



View attachment 39861

Click to expand...

And the non-surprise of the day award goes to........


----------



## Dando (Dec 8, 2021)




----------



## Foxholer (Dec 8, 2021)

SwingsitlikeHogan said:



			That’ll be the Pibroch variant, in some it causes confusion, headaches, severe tinnitus and ringing in the ears, and need for fresh air....
		
Click to expand...

And that's only amongst those that play it!


SwingsitlikeHogan said:



			...Others find it soothing.
		
Click to expand...

They'll be the ones standing far enough away or have been made deaf from earlier experiences!


----------



## Fade and Die (Dec 8, 2021)

Dando said:



View attachment 39861

Click to expand...

Well done mate. Well deserved 👍


----------



## spongebob59 (Dec 8, 2021)




----------



## SteveW86 (Dec 8, 2021)

Dando said:



View attachment 39861

Click to expand...

Sometimes it’s better to finish 2nd


----------



## Voyager EMH (Dec 8, 2021)

SteveW86 said:



			Sometimes it’s better to finish 2nd
		
Click to expand...

Not "the taking part that counts" then?


----------



## SocketRocket (Dec 8, 2021)

Dando said:



View attachment 39862
View attachment 39862

Click to expand...

You can say that again 🙂


----------



## CliveW (Dec 8, 2021)




----------



## Pants (Dec 8, 2021)

Dando said:



View attachment 39861

Click to expand...

And you reckon you need two hands


----------



## Dando (Dec 9, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Dec 9, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Dec 9, 2021)




----------



## ADB (Dec 9, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Dec 9, 2021)




----------



## DRW (Dec 9, 2021)




----------



## DRW (Dec 9, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Dec 9, 2021)

My mate was telling me the other day that he and his girlfriend were worried sick she might be pregnant.
"How come?" I asked.
"Bloody Durex bust on us."
"Did you know you can get a refund," I told him.
"How do I go about that?"
"Just write off to customer support quoting the batch number printed on the condom."
"I've never seen anything printed on any condom I've worn!" he said.
"Ah, in that case you're obviously not unrolling them far enough."


----------



## Dando (Dec 9, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Dec 9, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Dec 9, 2021)

Just to let you all know I’m in hospital.
I ate a daffodil which I thought was an onion.
The doctor said I should be out by spring


----------



## Smiffy (Dec 10, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Dec 10, 2021)

I recently started shift work in a factory making chess pieces.

I’m on Knights this week.


----------



## bobmac (Dec 10, 2021)

Dando said:



			I recently started shift work in a factory making chess pieces.

I’m on Knights this week.
		
Click to expand...


----------



## Voyager EMH (Dec 10, 2021)

Dando said:



			I recently started shift work in a factory making chess pieces.

I’m on Knights this week.
		
Click to expand...


----------



## CliveW (Dec 10, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Dec 10, 2021)

bobmac said:



View attachment 39891

Click to expand...

that's a shocking suit


----------



## jim8flog (Dec 10, 2021)

When you realise the article you are reading is from America



Worldwide
*Basic Car Cares And Maintenance Tips That Will Extend Your Car’s Life*
                           Published on 08/03/2021                     





Use Pool Noodles To Prevent Car Dings

ADVERTISEMENT




*Use Pool Noodles To Prevent Car Dings*


----------



## Rooter (Dec 10, 2021)

jim8flog said:



			When you realise the article you are reading is from America



Worldwide
*Basic Car Cares And Maintenance Tips That Will Extend Your Car’s Life*
                           Published on 08/03/2021                    





Use Pool Noodles To Prevent Car Dings

ADVERTISEMENT




*Use Pool Noodles To Prevent Car Dings*

Click to expand...


I don't get it?


----------



## DRW (Dec 10, 2021)

Hands, Face, Party at My Place


----------



## DRW (Dec 10, 2021)




----------



## spongebob59 (Dec 10, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Dec 10, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Dec 10, 2021)

Rooter said:



			I don't get it?
		
Click to expand...

 Age and eyesight I was skimming the article and read that as pot noodles


----------



## spongebob59 (Dec 10, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Dec 10, 2021)




----------



## SocketRocket (Dec 10, 2021)

My Wife said I don't buy her flowers.

I didn't even know she sells them!


----------



## Slime (Dec 10, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Dec 11, 2021)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Dec 11, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Dec 11, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Dec 11, 2021)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Dec 11, 2021)

Dando said:



View attachment 39909

Click to expand...

Especially you James m’boy 👍😎


----------



## bobmac (Dec 12, 2021)

I heard a news lady from across the pond use ''infantalized'' with a straight face.


----------



## Doon frae Troon (Dec 12, 2021)

Foxholer said:



			And that's only amongst those that play it!

They'll be the ones standing far enough away or have been made deaf from earlier experiences!
		
Click to expand...

Reminds me of the time when the poor hotel singer asked for any requests...
My Essex relative asked him if he could sing 'Far Far Away'


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Dec 12, 2021)

Yes another reminder
If you post something that contains swearing, the post will be binned and you will get an infraction.
😡

And if it is both political and sweary, I’m minded to issue 2.


----------



## cliveb (Dec 12, 2021)

Hobbit will appreciate this one:

We're currently in the Canaries, and wanted some butter at breakfast. Thinking that Spanish and Italian are very similar languages, I asked for "burro", much to the amusement of the waitress.


----------



## Carlwm (Dec 12, 2021)

Where does Kylie Minogue get her kebabs?

From the Jason donner van


----------



## SocketRocket (Dec 12, 2021)

PhilTheFragger said:



			Yes another reminder
If you post something that contains swearing, the post will be binned and you will get an infraction.
😡

And if it is both political and sweary, I’m minded to issue 2.
		
Click to expand...

I don't get it 😉


----------



## GreiginFife (Dec 12, 2021)

cliveb said:



			Hobbit will appreciate this one:

We're currently in the Canaries, and wanted some butter at breakfast. Thinking that Spanish and Italian are very similar languages, I asked for "burro", much to the amusement of the waitress.
		
Click to expand...

Did you get your Donkey with your toast?


----------



## Pants (Dec 12, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Dec 12, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Dec 12, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Dec 12, 2021)

Don't forget to wear your mask lads.

My friend says it saved his life.

He was in the pub with his girlfriend .............................. his wife came in and didn't recognise him.


----------



## SocketRocket (Dec 12, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Dec 12, 2021)

Formula 1 .................................................... as a sport.


----------



## Slime (Dec 12, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Dec 12, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Dec 12, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Dec 13, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Dec 13, 2021)




----------



## Doon frae Troon (Dec 13, 2021)

In our rural villages the Round Table volunteers go round in a tractor driven sleigh [on wheels] which the wee bairns get on to drive round the village.
One of the villages is a covid hot spot and most of the small primary school pupils have tested positive.

My daughter met 'Santa' in town this afternoon [he is an old friend] and warned him of the village
He said to her 'if any of those Covid central little flowers think they are getting on my sleigh they can think again'


He may have not actually said flowers.


----------



## GF23 (Dec 13, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Dec 13, 2021)




----------



## Pants (Dec 14, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 39938

Click to expand...

A friend asked if it's politically OK to "like" that


----------



## Jimaroid (Dec 14, 2021)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1470472636035645441


----------



## Dando (Dec 14, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Dec 14, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Dec 14, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Dec 14, 2021)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Dec 14, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Dec 14, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Dec 15, 2021)

I’ve just booked a table for me and the girlfriend on Xmas day. It’s bound to end in disappointment as she’s rubbish at snooker


----------



## SatchFan (Dec 16, 2021)




----------



## SatchFan (Dec 16, 2021)

Waste not, want not.


----------



## patricks148 (Dec 16, 2021)

Not a joke as such but had me smiling all the way home.
Out on my fatbike this morning, ambling along a forest track to get to the great Glen way after the long climb from Loch Ness. Came across a group of old dears walking along, quiet a wide path so plenty of room went round them , giving them a wide birth and warning them I was passing. Two of them went mental,  telling me I shouldn't be riding a motorbike along the path🤣 and how dangerous it was and I could have killed one of them. I must have been going 5mph at most and very obviously pedaling.  I could sort of understand if it was an ebike.. but its not🤣


----------



## Foxholer (Dec 16, 2021)

patricks148 said:



			Not a joke as such but had me smiling all the way home.
Out on my fatbike this morning, ambling along a forest track to get to the great Glen way after the long climb from Loch Ness. Came across a group of old dears walking along, quiet a wide path so plenty of room went round them , giving them a wide birth and warning them I was passing. Two of them went mental,  telling me I shouldn't be riding a motorbike along the path🤣 and how dangerous it was and I could have killed one of them. I must have been going 5mph at most and very obviously pedaling.  I could sort of understand if it was an ebike.. but its not🤣
		
Click to expand...

Heavens, that was a difficult read!


----------



## CliveW (Dec 16, 2021)

Foxholer said:



			Heavens, that was a difficult read!
		
Click to expand...

???


----------



## Dando (Dec 16, 2021)

Need your advice folks. 
How can I stop our kitchen windows constantly steaming up? 
Feel free to pop round with any suggestions,  the kettle is always on


----------



## BiMGuy (Dec 16, 2021)

Dando said:



			Need your advice folks.
How can I stop our kitchen windows constantly steaming up?
Feel free to pop round with any suggestions,  the kettle is always on
		
Click to expand...

Ventilation. You need to get the moisture out.


----------



## Foxholer (Dec 16, 2021)

BiMGuy said:



			Ventilation. You need to get the moisture out.
		
Click to expand...

Whoosh!


----------



## BiMGuy (Dec 16, 2021)

Foxholer said:



			Whoosh!

Click to expand...

I know.


----------



## SocketRocket (Dec 16, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Dec 16, 2021)




----------



## Smiffy (Dec 17, 2021)




----------



## Mudball (Dec 17, 2021)

A man meets his friend 
who has started wearing ear rings. 

He asks "Since when did u start wearing earrings?" 

Friend  "ever since my wife found them in my car!


----------



## DRW (Dec 17, 2021)




----------



## DRW (Dec 17, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Dec 17, 2021)

Teacher:  What are you making boy?
Pupil:      Its a portable sir.
Teacher:  A portable what?
Pupil:      I don't know yet, I've only made the handles.


----------



## jim8flog (Dec 17, 2021)

Dando said:



			Need your advice folks.
How can I stop our kitchen windows constantly steaming up?
Feel free to pop round with any suggestions,  the kettle is always on
		
Click to expand...

 drink more beer


----------



## jim8flog (Dec 17, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Dec 17, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Dec 18, 2021)




----------



## Beedee (Dec 18, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Dec 18, 2021)




----------



## Swinglowandslow (Dec 18, 2021)

I like this thread!


----------



## Dando (Dec 19, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Dec 20, 2021)

For a daft bet down at the pub with my mates I ate a whole feather pillow... 

It's been 5 weeks now and I still feel a little down in the dumps


----------



## DRW (Dec 20, 2021)




----------



## spongebob59 (Dec 20, 2021)

Is there going to be a wine and cheese shortage ?
Seems you can't have a meeting without them these days 🤔😉😅


----------



## Doon frae Troon (Dec 20, 2021)

spongebob59 said:



			Is there going to be a wine and cheese shortage ?
Seems you can't have a meeting without them these days 🤔😉😅
		
Click to expand...

.....or a gathering.


----------



## Slime (Dec 20, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Dec 20, 2021)




----------



## drdel (Dec 20, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 40055

Click to expand...

A Laughing Jackass is actually a bird


----------



## fundy (Dec 20, 2021)




----------



## fundy (Dec 20, 2021)

The jockey was riding the favourite at a race meeting, and was well ahead of the field.

His horse rounded the final corner, when suddenly the jockey was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.

He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.

With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding.

Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second.

He immediately went to the race stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.


----------



## Slime (Dec 20, 2021)

drdel said:



			A Laughing Jackass is actually a bird 

Click to expand...

Your sister-in-law?


----------



## Imurg (Dec 21, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Dec 21, 2021)




----------



## DRW (Dec 21, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Dec 21, 2021)

I’ve just opened a Xmas card and a Yorkshire pudding fell out.

It was from my aunt Bessie


----------



## fundy (Dec 21, 2021)

Please don't drink and drive during Christmas and new year. If you want to drive safely, my team can help!!
Please call or Inbox me 2 days in advance to arrange your booking.
I have a team of experienced people who can help.
WE will come and drink for you so that you can drive home safely.
Competitive prices, T&Cs apply.


----------



## Mudball (Dec 21, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Dec 21, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Dec 21, 2021)




----------



## spongebob59 (Dec 22, 2021)




----------



## need_my_wedge (Dec 22, 2021)




----------



## DRW (Dec 22, 2021)




----------



## Foxholer (Dec 22, 2021)

drdel said:



			A Laughing Jackass is actually a bird 

Click to expand...

Actually, an Aussie Bird! 
And to balance the anitpodean feathered 'humour'....Description of a Kiwi's nocturnal activiy...Eats roots shoots and leaves!


----------



## drdel (Dec 22, 2021)

Foxholer said:



			Actually, an Aussie Bird! 
And to balance the anitpodean feathered 'humour'....Description of a Kiwi' nocturnal activiy...Eats roots shoots and leaves!
		
Click to expand...

Kookaburra  not Sheila


----------



## Foxholer (Dec 22, 2021)

Normally 'or' or 'and'!


----------



## SatchFan (Dec 22, 2021)




----------



## DRW (Dec 22, 2021)

Twitter cracks me up sometimes, the replies to this thread (one is heres me dressed as a traffic cone, random, some are funny pictures  ):-

Michael Owen on Twitter: "Congratulations to @EmmaRaducanu who thoroughly deserves to be crowned Sports Personality of the Year 2021. Makes me feel very old that she’s the same age as I was waaaaay back in 1998. #SPOTY https://t.co/uKh9W30q56" / Twitter


----------



## Slime (Dec 22, 2021)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Dec 22, 2021)

I've finally finished writing my book on penguins and sent it off to the publishers.

They replied saying it would have been better if I had written it on paper instead.


----------



## Imurg (Dec 23, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Dec 23, 2021)

I think he might be friends with the fella who shoved the WWII shell up his bum


----------



## Pin-seeker (Dec 23, 2021)




----------



## DRW (Dec 23, 2021)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Dec 24, 2021)

I sent my mate a Bon Jovi album for Xmas but it's not been delivered yet. Every time I check the tracking info it just says, "Oh, it's halfway there".


----------



## ColchesterFC (Dec 24, 2021)

Have you noticed that some herbs taste much better at Xmas?

It's the most wonderful thyme of the year.


----------



## ColchesterFC (Dec 24, 2021)

Whenever Mrs Colch is feeling a bit down I always let her draw on the top of my arm.

I always know when she needs a shoulder to crayon.


----------



## Foxholer (Dec 24, 2021)

ColchesterFC said:



			Whenever Mrs Colch is feeling a bit down I always let her draw on the top of my arm.

I always know when she needs a shoulder to crayon.
		
Click to expand...

Someone has opened the Xmas Crackers early!


----------



## Liverpoolphil (Dec 24, 2021)




----------



## ADB (Dec 24, 2021)

Just getting ready for Santa


----------



## bobmac (Dec 24, 2021)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Dec 24, 2021)

Mick Jagger and Keith Richards came round for Xmas dinner a couple of years ago. Unfortunately I undercooked the turkey and gave them really bad food poisoning. It was touch and go for a while but they both pulled through. I almost managed to kill two Stones with one bird.


----------



## Old Skier (Dec 24, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Dec 24, 2021)




----------



## fundy (Dec 24, 2021)

I just saw a shoplifter stealing a turkey from Tesco and running out the store being chased by security... I yelled at him “What are you doing with that?!!” He shouted back “potatoes, sprouts and pigs in blankets!!”


----------



## Pants (Dec 24, 2021)

The young lad playing Buttons in the Christmas panto was raped on stage.  


To be fair, the audience did try to warn him…


----------



## ADB (Dec 24, 2021)

Pants said:



			The young lad playing Buttons in the Christmas panto was raped on stage. 


To be fair, the audience did try to warn him…
		
Click to expand...

Wow


----------



## Dando (Dec 25, 2021)

Had my 14th covid booster yesterday. Got another one booked for Monday as it’s better to be safe than sorry


----------



## Old Skier (Dec 25, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Dec 25, 2021)

We've just played the Christmas edition of Cluedo.

My wife murdered the Christmas dinner, in the kitchen, with the oven.


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Dec 25, 2021)




----------



## bobmac (Dec 26, 2021)

Jordan Klepper


----------



## Imurg (Dec 26, 2021)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1474871178695254019


----------



## Dando (Dec 26, 2021)

If you feel disappointed by your presents this Christmas just remember someone, somewhere opened a Man United shirt.


----------



## Tashyboy (Dec 26, 2021)

Dando said:



			If you feel disappointed by your presents this Christmas just remember someone, somewhere opened a Man United shirt.
		
Click to expand...

Might be the only chance Phil Jones has of wearing one this season 😁


----------



## Dando (Dec 26, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Dec 26, 2021)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Dec 28, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Dec 28, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Dec 28, 2021)




----------



## Blue in Munich (Dec 28, 2021)

Naughty word alert (although we’ve got an emoji for it so hopefully the mods won’t mind…)


----------



## Slime (Dec 28, 2021)




----------



## spongebob59 (Dec 28, 2021)

🤣

🚨 | NEW: In Wales - due to new Covid rules - 50 fans attended a  Welsh rugby match outside — but 140 people watched it indoors from the clubhouse on Boxing Day

Via @WalesOnline


----------



## Blue in Munich (Dec 28, 2021)

spongebob59 said:



			🤣

🚨 | NEW: In Wales - due to new Covid rules - 50 fans attended a  Welsh rugby match outside — but 140 people watched it indoors from the clubhouse on Boxing Day

Via @WalesOnline
		
Click to expand...

If true, that should be in Random Irritations of the day


----------



## DRW (Dec 29, 2021)




----------



## Imurg (Dec 29, 2021)




----------



## bobmac (Dec 29, 2021)




----------



## bobmac (Dec 29, 2021)

Imurg said:



View attachment 40172

Click to expand...

I really enjoyed all the photoshopped versions of this picture

Here's another example of what happens if you doze off near Bernie


----------



## spongebob59 (Dec 29, 2021)

Posted in cricket thread but to good not to share


----------



## Slime (Dec 29, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Dec 29, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Dec 29, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Dec 29, 2021)




----------



## AmandaJR (Dec 30, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Dec 30, 2021)




----------



## jim8flog (Dec 30, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Dec 30, 2021)

AmandaJR said:



View attachment 40198

Click to expand...

I’m leaving it to the last minute


----------



## Imurg (Dec 30, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Dec 30, 2021)




----------



## yandabrown (Dec 30, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Dec 30, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Dec 30, 2021)




----------



## Slime (Dec 30, 2021)




----------



## AmandaJR (Dec 31, 2021)

Slime said:



View attachment 40214

Click to expand...

Another one I had to think about


----------



## spongebob59 (Dec 31, 2021)




----------



## SwingsitlikeHogan (Dec 31, 2021)

This NYE show your life partner that you really value them, since without them we’d have to argue with strangers.

(21st century note…I guess that’s what internet forums are for…)


----------



## SatchFan (Dec 31, 2021)




----------



## Pin-seeker (Dec 31, 2021)

The Covid thread having to be locked,due to people trying to one last argument in,in 2021 😂😂😂😂
Happy new year one & all 😬


----------



## Dando (Dec 31, 2021)




----------



## Dando (Dec 31, 2021)




----------



## AmandaJR (Dec 31, 2021)

The Weakest Link celebrity shows. The jokes are awful but boy some of their answers are comedy gold. 

“What type of animal did celebrity Cheryl Cole name her child" to which she (not even sure who she was) replied: “A pig.” 

Maybe you had to be there but they were all in stitches...


----------



## Foxholer (Dec 31, 2021)

Dando said:



View attachment 40238

Click to expand...

Surely she should perform from her bed!


----------



## Slime (Dec 31, 2021)




----------



## Lord Tyrion (Dec 31, 2021)

AmandaJR said:



			The Weakest Link celebrity shows. The jokes are awful but boy some of their answers are comedy gold.

“What type of animal did celebrity Cheryl Cole name her child" to which she (not even sure who she was) replied: “A pig.”

Maybe you had to be there but they were all in stitches...
		
Click to expand...

I had to stop watching it, yes I saw that one. I couldn't believe the stupidity of the contestants, frightening 😱


----------



## AmandaJR (Dec 31, 2021)

Lord Tyrion said:



			I had to stop watching it, yes I saw that one. I couldn't believe the stupidity of the contestants, frightening 😱
		
Click to expand...

The presenter is awful as are his jokes but that moment was one of those that had tears streaming down my face. So I keep watching hoping for more of the same


----------



## Dando (Dec 31, 2021)

AmandaJR said:



			The Weakest Link celebrity shows. The jokes are awful but boy some of their answers are comedy gold.

“What type of animal did celebrity Cheryl Cole name her child" to which she (not even sure who she was) replied: “A pig.”

Maybe you had to be there but they were all in stitches...
		
Click to expand...

I’m watching it at the moment. 🤣🤣


----------



## Dando (Dec 31, 2021)




----------



## arnieboy (Dec 31, 2021)

Dando said:



			I’m watching it at the moment. 🤣🤣
		
Click to expand...

I watched one where that Gemma Collins was asked how many beds would you find in a twin room and she answered 'one'.


----------



## jim8flog (Jan 1, 2022)




----------



## Doon frae Troon (Jan 1, 2022)

SatchFan said:



View attachment 40221

Click to expand...

In a neighbouring village a guy has two goldfish bowl type things cut into the bottom of his fence for his two spaniels to 'watch the girls go by'


----------



## Dando (Jan 1, 2022)




----------



## Blue in Munich (Jan 1, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jan 1, 2022)




----------



## Swinglowandslow (Jan 1, 2022)

Some faces today in the small town in which we took our 13 week old cockapoo for a walk.
During it, I found a molehill from which I gathered about a lb of it into a poo bag. Carrying it around drew some funny looks at that and then at  (the size) 
 of our puppy😳

To explain, as the fishermen among you will appreciate,  molehill soil is a very useful ingredient of groundbait 😁


----------



## Mudball (Jan 1, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Jan 1, 2022)

AmandaJR said:



			The Weakest Link celebrity shows. The jokes are awful but boy some of their answers are comedy gold.

“What type of animal did celebrity Cheryl Cole name her child" to which she (not even sure who she was) replied: “A pig.”

Maybe you had to be there but they were all in stitches...
		
Click to expand...

Caught a snippet today.
who was the first female prime minister of India? 

>> Margaret Thatcher !!

Which western European grand duchy country’s name is also ‘little castle’

>> Sierra Leone !!!


----------



## Dando (Jan 2, 2022)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Jan 2, 2022)




----------



## Swinglowandslow (Jan 2, 2022)

Mudball said:



			Caught a snippet today.
who was the first female prime minister of India? 

>> Margaret Thatcher !!

Which western European grand duchy country’s name is also ‘little castle’

>> Sierra Leone !!!
		
Click to expand...

Best I ever saw was on another quiz show.

Questions about US presidents
Who was shot in Dallas in November 1963

Answer........JR.


----------



## Slime (Jan 2, 2022)

A couple from a few years ago;

Q. Name a bird with a long neck.
A. Lorraine Chase!


Q. Name a dangerous race.
A. The Israelis.


----------



## Smiffy (Jan 2, 2022)

Q. Name a famous Russian astronaut.

A. Solzhenitsyn.

Q. Name something you would take to the beach.

A. A turkey.

Q. Name an animal that climbs in trees.

A. A bird


----------



## larmen (Jan 2, 2022)

Smiffy said:



			Q. Name something you would take to the beach.

A. A turkey.
		
Click to expand...

Q2. The 1st thing to buy in a supermarket 
Q3. Something that is stuffed

A. As above

(Had to have another watch on YouTube just now)


The wheel on fortune one with the clam digger is even more crunch worthy.


----------



## Slime (Jan 2, 2022)

larmen said:



			Q2. The 1st thing to buy in a supermarket
Q3. Something that is stuffed
A. As above
(Had to have another watch on YouTube just now)

*
The wheel on fortune one with the clam digger is even more crunch worthy.*

Click to expand...


I barely understand any of the bit in bold!


----------



## Slime (Jan 3, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jan 3, 2022)

I've just found out that cock-fighting involves using chickens.

That's eight months of training completely wasted!


----------



## Dando (Jan 3, 2022)

Make your wife feel special. Put her photo in the kitchen with a sign that says 
“Employee of the Month”


----------



## Dando (Jan 3, 2022)




----------



## Smiffy (Jan 4, 2022)




----------



## drdel (Jan 4, 2022)

Slime said:



			I've just found out that cock-fighting involves using chickens.

That's eight months of training completely wasted!
		
Click to expand...

Exercise and training is good so keep it up !


----------



## Dando (Jan 4, 2022)




----------



## SatchFan (Jan 4, 2022)




----------



## GuyInLyon (Jan 4, 2022)

Slime said:



			Q. Name a dangerous race.
A. The Israelis.
		
Click to expand...

Huh?


----------



## Slime (Jan 4, 2022)




----------



## Crow (Jan 5, 2022)

Slime said:



View attachment 40365

Click to expand...

Looks more like a scene from Alien.


----------



## Imurg (Jan 5, 2022)




----------



## Slab (Jan 5, 2022)




----------



## chrisd (Jan 5, 2022)

True story, 5 minutes ago

Just received a message from my brother in law "sorry to hear about your pending operation  I'm sure all will be fine, if you need anything call me"

My reply "that offer coming from a funeral director is slightly disconcerting "


----------



## drdel (Jan 5, 2022)

chrisd said:



			True story, 5 minutes ago

Just received a message from my brother in law "sorry to hear about your pending operation  I'm sure all will be fine, if you need anything call me"

My reply "that offer coming from a funeral director is slightly disconcerting "
		
Click to expand...

is it a 'dead' cert he'll offer you 'mates rates' for cash?


----------



## Smiffy (Jan 6, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Jan 6, 2022)




----------



## Rooter (Jan 6, 2022)

I replied to a post on Linkedin, only to see that the text wrap ends up body-shaming me!!


----------



## bobmac (Jan 6, 2022)

I think the FIAT 500 should be freed immediately


----------



## Dando (Jan 6, 2022)




----------



## ADB (Jan 6, 2022)




----------



## spongebob59 (Jan 6, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jan 6, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jan 6, 2022)




----------



## DRW (Jan 7, 2022)




----------



## DRW (Jan 7, 2022)




----------



## SocketRocket (Jan 7, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jan 7, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jan 7, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Jan 7, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jan 7, 2022)

jim8flog said:



View attachment 40425

Click to expand...

I won’t show Mrs d that


----------



## Dando (Jan 7, 2022)

I got caught shoplifting a chicken from Tesco this morning. The security guard said " what do you think you are doing with that!?"..I said "well, I'll probably do roast potatoes, carrots, peas and gravy".


----------



## Slime (Jan 8, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jan 8, 2022)




----------



## SatchFan (Jan 8, 2022)

Choices were made.


----------



## Dando (Jan 8, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jan 8, 2022)




----------



## chico (Jan 8, 2022)




----------



## Lord Tyrion (Jan 9, 2022)

No gag, this happened to me today. I was in Whitby this morning and bought take out coffees for myself and my wife, dog was with us and has been playing up a little lately when in cafes. She wanted one with squirty cream and they added a little lotus brand biscuit on top. I was walking away from the van to where my wife was sat when a seagull came over my shoulder, plucked the biscuit from the top of the drink . Clean as you like.

I was slightly proud I spilt nothing but I also had some admiration from the cleanliness of the move .


----------



## SatchFan (Jan 9, 2022)




----------



## need_my_wedge (Jan 10, 2022)




----------



## SwingsitlikeHogan (Jan 10, 2022)

The call made by Alex into the Tom Swarbrick prog on LBC tonight 10.01.22, from about or soon after 11.05pm.  Worth a listen on Global Player catch up, though I’m thinking it’ll get onto the LBC YouTube channel.  I 🤣😂 until I realised it was serious and then felt like 😢😳


----------



## Dando (Jan 11, 2022)




----------



## DRW (Jan 11, 2022)




----------



## Foxholer (Jan 11, 2022)

Lord Tyrion said:



			No gag, this happened to me today. I was in Whitby this morning and bought take out coffees for myself and my wife, dog was with us and has been playing up a little lately when in cafes. She wanted one with squirty cream and they added a little lotus brand biscuit on top. I was walking away from the van to where my wife was sat when a seagull came over my shoulder, plucked the biscuit from the top of the drink . Clean as you like.

I was slightly proud I spilt nothing but I also had some admiration from the cleanliness of the move .
		
Click to expand...

Regular occurrence in Padstow dock/wharf is seagulls stealing fish from insufficiently wary tourists. My (Cornish) wife laughed so much when it happened to me she nearly fell in - or did I push her?!


----------



## Peter_Drake_teacher (Jan 11, 2022)

I sprinkled whisky on MY lawn.
It came up half cut
Peter


----------



## Dando (Jan 11, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jan 11, 2022)

Dando said:



View attachment 40467

Click to expand...

this is how I will die


----------



## Pin-seeker (Jan 11, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jan 11, 2022)

The weather is getting colder so all primark customers are being asked to wear two pairs of pyjamas when shopping


----------



## Slime (Jan 11, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Jan 11, 2022)




----------



## rosecott (Jan 11, 2022)




----------



## clubchamp98 (Jan 11, 2022)

Slime said:



View attachment 40427

Click to expand...

That made me laugh.


----------



## SatchFan (Jan 12, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Jan 12, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jan 12, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jan 12, 2022)




----------



## bobmac (Jan 13, 2022)




----------



## fundy (Jan 13, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Jan 13, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jan 13, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jan 13, 2022)




----------



## 3offTheTee (Jan 13, 2022)

Rosie Holt video on twitter about non attendance at a house party in May 2020!


----------



## Dando (Jan 13, 2022)

Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in Hong Kong and the place is packed to the rafters.

As usual at the start of his set In he asks if anyone has a special song request.

One chap immediately jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice,

"Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.

When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts -

"No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord...".

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. 

The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise. 

But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts

"No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!!!". 

Stevie is really peed off now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage -

"OK smart ass, you get up here and do it"..

The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing............

"a jazz chord to say , I ruv you...."


----------



## Imurg (Jan 13, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jan 13, 2022)




----------



## larmen (Jan 13, 2022)

Dando said:



			Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in Hong Kong and the place is packed to the rafters.

As usual at the start of his set In he asks if anyone has a special song request.

One chap immediately jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice,

"Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.

When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts -

"No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord...".

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.

The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise.

But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts

"No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!!!".

Stevie is really peed off now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage -

"OK smart ass, you get up here and do it"..

The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing............

"a jazz chord to say , I ruv you...."
		
Click to expand...

That’s Ken Lee all over again ;-)


----------



## Dando (Jan 14, 2022)




----------



## Orikoru (Jan 14, 2022)

Dando said:



			Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in Hong Kong and the place is packed to the rafters.

As usual at the start of his set In he asks if anyone has a special song request.

One chap immediately jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice,

"Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.

When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts -

"No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord...".

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.

The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise.

But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts

"No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!!!".

Stevie is really peed off now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage -

"OK smart ass, you get up here and do it"..

The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing............

"a jazz chord to say , I ruv you...."
		
Click to expand...

That just reminded me of this..










Edit: Whooooops beaten by @larmen


----------



## DRW (Jan 14, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jan 14, 2022)

Orikoru said:



			That just reminded me of this..










Edit: Whooooops beaten by @larmen

Click to expand...

"tulibu dibu douchoo"


----------



## Dando (Jan 14, 2022)




----------



## Blue in Munich (Jan 14, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jan 14, 2022)




----------



## Tashyboy (Jan 14, 2022)

Dando said:



View attachment 40593

Click to expand...

Am sure he will soon find out though 😖


----------



## Dando (Jan 14, 2022)

Tashyboy said:



			Am sure he will soon find out though 😖
		
Click to expand...

In my experience there’s a few hours of silence and dirty looks to come


----------



## Tashyboy (Jan 14, 2022)

Dando said:



			In my experience there’s a few hours of silence and dirty looks to come
		
Click to expand...

The silence, thats When you know it’s coming 😖😳


----------



## Dando (Jan 14, 2022)

Tashyboy said:



			The silence, thats When you know it’s coming 😖😳
		
Click to expand...

It’s the time to say your goodbyes and    check your will


----------



## Dando (Jan 14, 2022)




----------



## fundy (Jan 14, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jan 14, 2022)

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. 
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: 'Father ... During World War II, a
beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'
The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'
'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.
The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'
'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'
'And what is that?' asked the priest.




'Should I tell her the war is over?'


----------



## Dando (Jan 15, 2022)




----------



## Fade and Die (Jan 15, 2022)

Dando said:



			It’s the time to say your goodbyes and    check your will
		
Click to expand...


----------



## Slime (Jan 15, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jan 15, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jan 15, 2022)

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. 



We haven't met yet.


----------



## williamalex1 (Jan 15, 2022)

williamalex1 said:



			Laugh while you can especially in these desperate times , a laugh isn't going to make anyone worse of.
		
Click to expand...

If you're not too easily offended ,  Watch Bernard Manning Unplugged on You tube.
Before the PC brigade took over.
Watch till the end, all the old time comedians, telling some crackers.


----------



## Smiffy (Jan 16, 2022)

Dando said:



			It’s the time to say your goodbyes and    check your will
		
Click to expand...

Bloke comes home from work, just in time to watch the World Cup quarter final between England and Germany.
Sits himself down in his chair, switches the telly on, and shouts to his wife, who's in the kitchen, "bring us a bottle of beer in before it starts luv".
His wife brings him a bottle of beer from the fridge.
He necks it down in record time, and shouts again "bring us another bottle of beer before it starts luv".
Wife stomps in with another bottle of beer, which he downs just as quickly as the first one.
"Bring us another bottle of beer in before it starts luv" she shouts again.
His wife storms in and starts ranting "if you want another effing beer, get it your effing self, I'm not your effing slave you ignorant pig".
"It's started" he sighs...


----------



## SatchFan (Jan 16, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jan 16, 2022)




----------



## SatchFan (Jan 16, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jan 16, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jan 16, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jan 16, 2022)




----------



## Liverpoolphil (Jan 16, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jan 16, 2022)




----------



## Foxholer (Jan 16, 2022)

Slime said:



View attachment 40658

Click to expand...

Did he marry his sister-in-law?


----------



## Dando (Jan 16, 2022)

My Mrs keeps covering me in Ronseal.  I don't like the way I'm being treated


----------



## Slime (Jan 16, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jan 17, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jan 17, 2022)

Originally posted by Fundy in the Footy thread.
Thanks Fundy, made me chuckle.


----------



## Slime (Jan 17, 2022)

Admiral Lord Nelson was only 5'4" tall.
Nelson's column is 16' tall.


That's a horatio of 3:1.


----------



## Mudball (Jan 17, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jan 17, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jan 17, 2022)




----------



## DRW (Jan 18, 2022)




----------



## Liverpoolphil (Jan 18, 2022)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1483058623509110787


----------



## Dando (Jan 18, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jan 18, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Jan 18, 2022)

Overpriced some might say


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Jan 18, 2022)

You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water.
If it sinks: girl ant
If it floats: boy ant


----------



## Slime (Jan 19, 2022)

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the poo inside!"                     
​


----------



## srixon 1 (Jan 20, 2022)

The intermittent fasting thread next to the best halfway house thread. Well it made me smile🤪


----------



## Mudball (Jan 20, 2022)

srixon 1 said:



			The intermittent fasting thread next to the best halfway house thread. Well it made me smile🤪
		
Click to expand...

I think not eating during 1-9 and 10-18 counts as intermittent fasting


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Jan 20, 2022)

I want to sell all my John Lennon stuff on eBay.   Imagine all the PayPal.


----------



## SteveW86 (Jan 20, 2022)

Mudball said:



			I think not eating during 1-9 and 10-18 counts as intermittent fasting
		
Click to expand...

Especially with the pace of play at a forum meet


----------



## Tashyboy (Jan 20, 2022)

😳


----------



## Fade and Die (Jan 20, 2022)




----------



## rulefan (Jan 20, 2022)

Mudball said:



			I think not eating during 1-9 and 10-18 counts as intermittent fasting
		
Click to expand...

I think eating during 1-9 and 10-18 causes intermittent farting


----------



## Mudball (Jan 21, 2022)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Jan 21, 2022)

Mudball said:



View attachment 40735

Click to expand...

Hope we don’t get Moob Slaps 😂😂


----------



## Mudball (Jan 21, 2022)

PhilTheFragger said:



			Hope we don’t get Moob Slaps 😂😂
		
Click to expand...

dont dis my weekend choice of dressing.  Very handy esp to keep golf balls..   (and a snack if i am not on intermittent fasting)


----------



## Slime (Jan 21, 2022)




----------



## Rooter (Jan 21, 2022)

Autocorrect


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Jan 21, 2022)

Cuthbert has come a long way since being part of the Trumpton fire brigade.


----------



## yandabrown (Jan 21, 2022)

Pathetic Shark said:



			Cuthbert has come a long way since being part of the Trumpton fire brigade.
		
Click to expand...

Indeed, it's got to be better than dibbling Grub.


----------



## jim8flog (Jan 21, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Jan 21, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jan 21, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jan 21, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jan 21, 2022)

I had to fire our Eastern European cleaner as it took her 10 hours to Hoover the house.

She was a Slovak


----------



## Dando (Jan 22, 2022)




----------



## Italian outcast (Jan 22, 2022)

Dando said:



View attachment 40752

Click to expand...

Have a stupid laugh like


----------



## Dando (Jan 22, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jan 22, 2022)

A women walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre.



So the barman gave her one.


----------



## Slime (Jan 22, 2022)




----------



## bobmac (Jan 22, 2022)

Slime said:



View attachment 40756

Click to expand...

They are getting better, less bad


----------



## drdel (Jan 22, 2022)

bobmac said:



			They are getting better, less bad 

Click to expand...

He's not listening, 'cause he's outstanding in his field!!!


----------



## Slime (Jan 22, 2022)

bobmac said:



			They are getting better, less bad 

Click to expand...

Just trying to put a smiles on peoples' faces.
At times it seems a thankless task!


----------



## drdel (Jan 22, 2022)

I see two guys kindly took a man to a Post Office to collect his pension!!

They had to prop him up because he was dead- life really is stranger than fiction.


----------



## Dando (Jan 23, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jan 23, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jan 23, 2022)




----------



## AmandaJR (Jan 23, 2022)




----------



## DRW (Jan 24, 2022)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (Jan 24, 2022)

I went to a fantastic restaurant over the weekend called "Black Box".
I asked if I needed to book but they just said "Walk right in"


----------



## Mudball (Jan 24, 2022)

This is not how Tax is supposed to work... 


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1485202164569948160


----------



## yandabrown (Jan 24, 2022)

NEW PGA 2022 RULE CHANGES  FOR SENIOR GOLFERS AGE 55+

Rule 1.a.5– A ball sliced or hooked into the Rough shall be lifted and placed on the Fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the Rough with no penalty. The senior player should not be penalized for tall grass which ground keepers failed to mow.

Rule 2.d.6– A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed NOT to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have travelled if it had not hit the tree, and play the ball from there.

Rule 3.B.3– There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, thereby making it a stolen ball. The senior player is not to compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty.

Rule 4.c.7– If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The Law of Gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.

Rule 5. – Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the Hole. No one wants to make a mockery of the game.  Exception;  if you bring your young girlfriend along and you know she could blow a ball more than 3 inches you may move the ball to the distance she can blow… up to a 12” maximum (and if she can blow it more than 12 inches I would like to meet her – friends share!).

Rule 6.a.9– There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds". If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior player deserves an apology, not a penalty.

Rule 7.G.15– There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Senior players should not be penalized for any shortcomings of the manufacturers.

Rule 8.k.9– Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by Purchasing new golf equipment Since this is financially impractical for many senior players, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.

Rule 9k.34– If a tree is between the ball and the hole, and the tree is deemed to be younger than the player, then the ball can be moved without penalty. This is so, because this is simply a question of timing; when the player was younger, the tree was not there so the player is being penalized because of his age.


Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes and keep multiple copies in your golf bag. Those not following the rules need to be provided a copy.

Golf is...above all...a game of integrity


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Jan 24, 2022)

Unfortunately I used to be at a club in Surrey where too many of those rules were actually applied.    Of course it was not cheating .....


----------



## Slime (Jan 24, 2022)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Jan 25, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jan 25, 2022)

It didn’t take Ranieri long to get another job


----------



## Slime (Jan 25, 2022)

http://imgur.com/26ZDqJ2


----------



## Slime (Jan 26, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jan 26, 2022)

I accidentally glued both my hands to a couple of Colt 45 pistols. 
The Dr said I'll have to go to the hospital to get them removed. 
I refused ..................................................... and I'm sticking to my guns.


----------



## ColchesterFC (Jan 27, 2022)

@Fragger - Please remove if too political. But it did make me chuckle.


----------



## SocketRocket (Jan 27, 2022)

Foxholer said:



			Did he marry his sister-in-law?
		
Click to expand...

No but he knew her intimately


----------



## Mudball (Jan 27, 2022)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1486639863801819145


----------



## Dando (Jan 27, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jan 27, 2022)




----------



## DRW (Jan 28, 2022)




----------



## DRW (Jan 28, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Jan 28, 2022)

I think this is when the argument started


----------



## SatchFan (Jan 28, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Jan 28, 2022)

For a minute, I thought someone had not hit the drive past the ladies tee...


----------



## woofers (Jan 28, 2022)

Barry Cryers AoC joke:
A man and his wife are out walking one day when they spot a bloke sitting alone in a bus shelter on the other side of the road. “That looks like the Archbishop of Canterbury over there,” says the woman.” “Go and ask him if he is.” The husband crosses the road and asks the man if he is indeed the Archbishop of Canterbury. “F*** off,” says the man. The husband crosses back to his wife who asks: “What did he say? Is he the Archbishop of Canterbury?” “He told me to F*** off,” says the husband. “Oh no,” replies the wife, “now we’ll never know.”


----------



## Slime (Jan 28, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jan 28, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Jan 29, 2022)




----------



## need_my_wedge (Jan 29, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jan 29, 2022)

need_my_wedge said:



View attachment 40866

Click to expand...

To be fair, most on here don’t need the excuse of not playing over winter


----------



## Boomy (Jan 29, 2022)




----------



## SatchFan (Jan 30, 2022)

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in a fireplace.


----------



## spongebob59 (Jan 30, 2022)




----------



## SocketRocket (Jan 30, 2022)




----------



## williamalex1 (Jan 30, 2022)

SatchFan said:



			I slept like a log last night. I woke up in a fireplace.
		
Click to expand...

Phew!, you're lucky it wasn't Burn's Night


----------



## Imurg (Jan 31, 2022)




----------



## Smiffy (Jan 31, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jan 31, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Jan 31, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jan 31, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jan 31, 2022)

*Oh no he can't!!*


----------



## jim8flog (Jan 31, 2022)

spongebob59 said:



View attachment 40874
[/QUOTE



More stain repellent than whitewash.
		
Click to expand...


----------



## Dando (Jan 31, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jan 31, 2022)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (Feb 1, 2022)

Did you know that the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is also the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun?


----------



## AmandaJR (Feb 1, 2022)

Pathetic Shark said:



			Did you know that the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is also the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun?
		
Click to expand...

If I ever play golf with a Wilson ball, or a pp has one and it gets lost, I simply cannot help myself shout "Wilson" in my best Tom Hanks impersonation


----------



## Dando (Feb 1, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Feb 1, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Feb 1, 2022)




----------



## IanM (Feb 1, 2022)




----------



## richart (Feb 1, 2022)

Slime said:



View attachment 40909

Click to expand...

Hadn't seen Mrs Chrisd before.


----------



## Dando (Feb 1, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Feb 1, 2022)

I had a terrible night last night. 
I dreamt that something bit me on the side of the neck. 
I got up to check ................................... but the bloody mirror wasn't working!


----------



## NearHull (Feb 2, 2022)

Slime said:



			I had a terrible night last night.
I dreamt that something bit me on the side of the neck.
I got up to check ................................... but the bloody mirror wasn't working!
		
Click to expand...

Be wary if she suggests ‘Steak’ for dinner.


----------



## Mudball (Feb 2, 2022)

The Nadine Dorris interview on C4 in Parliament was hilarious. First time I saw it in horror… then I had to look it up again and imagine it was a parody show..Pure Comedy gold for years to come..  felt much better and a belly laugh … I would have posted here, but young Frags will come after me.


----------



## jim8flog (Feb 2, 2022)




----------



## bobmac (Feb 2, 2022)

Genie: you have one wish
Me: I want a bridge from Britain to Florida so I can drive there and play golf.
Genie: That's impossible, even for me, have another wish
Me: Ok I want to understand women.
Genie: How many lanes do you want on this bridge?


----------



## rudebhoy (Feb 2, 2022)

Mudball said:



			The Nadine Dorris interview on C4 in Parliament was hilarious. First time I saw it in horror… then I had to look it up again and imagine it was a parody show..Pure Comedy gold for years to come..  felt much better and a belly laugh … I would have posted here, but young Frags will come after me.
		
Click to expand...


----------



## Rooter (Feb 2, 2022)

rudebhoy said:









Click to expand...

Its been dubbed over with CT voice! Brilliant! 

Should be used as an anti alcohol and drug campaign!


----------



## Stuart_C (Feb 2, 2022)

This made laugh.....


----------



## GB72 (Feb 2, 2022)

jim8flog said:



View attachment 40918

Click to expand...

Worryingly I must clearly understand women. It is round because of the traditional method of tossing the dough rather than rolling it (think that is to do with texture and elasticity), it is in a square box as it is damend expensive and difficult  to make round ones and it is cut into triangle as the easiest way to evenly divide a circle. I would add that I do not understand women.


----------



## Imurg (Feb 2, 2022)

Thoughts and prayers with GB72 at this worrying time...


----------



## GB72 (Feb 2, 2022)

Imurg said:



			Thoughts and prayers with GB72 at this worrying time...
		
Click to expand...

Don't worry, will be back to my usual, ilogical, idiotic self soon I am sure


----------



## Mudball (Feb 2, 2022)




----------



## yandabrown (Feb 2, 2022)




----------



## DRW (Feb 2, 2022)




----------



## DRW (Feb 2, 2022)




----------



## Liverpoolphil (Feb 2, 2022)

It's weird that in six Spiderman films  no villain has thought to just put a giant glass over him

Spiders ears are in their legs, I called a Spider and he came towards me, then I pulled his legs off and called him, he didn't move, couldn't hear me


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Feb 3, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Feb 3, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Feb 3, 2022)

I went to see my doctor today as my hearing is beginning to worry me.
He asked me to describe the symptoms.
I said Homer is fat and bald, Marge has blue hair and they have three kids.


----------



## Mudball (Feb 4, 2022)

Funny if true...  But would still beat a Hermes delivery 

*London posties stagger around after accidentally eating a load of hash brownies*
https://metro.co.uk/2022/02/03/daze...er-accidentally-eating-hash-brownies-16039128


----------



## Mudball (Feb 4, 2022)

Slime said:



			I went to see my doctor today as my hearing is beginning to worry me.
He asked me to describe the symptoms.
*I said Homer is fat and bald*, Marge has blue hair and they have three kids.
		
Click to expand...

Calling @HomerJSimpson fat is very rude..


----------



## AmandaJR (Feb 4, 2022)

Mudball said:



			Calling @HomerJSimpson fat is very rude..
		
Click to expand...

I thought that at first too!


----------



## Dando (Feb 4, 2022)




----------



## Rooter (Feb 4, 2022)

If it were not true it would be funnier!


----------



## DRW (Feb 4, 2022)




----------



## AmandaJR (Feb 4, 2022)

DRW said:



View attachment 40968

Click to expand...

I still look at both sides of an ice lolly stick in hope.


----------



## jim8flog (Feb 4, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Feb 4, 2022)




----------



## Fade and Die (Feb 4, 2022)

Not even remotely funny just political. Reported.


----------



## Mudball (Feb 4, 2022)

Fade and Die said:



			Not even remotely funny just political. Reported.

Click to expand...

Just deleted after I found it was a spoof.. Apologies


----------



## Dando (Feb 4, 2022)




----------



## RichA (Feb 4, 2022)

Mudball said:



			Just deleted after I found it was a spoof.. Apologies
		
Click to expand...

I managed to watch it just before you deleted it. First time something in this thread has actually made me laugh out loud.


----------



## Mudball (Feb 4, 2022)

RichA said:



			I managed to watch it just before you deleted it. First time something in this thread has actually made me laugh out loud.
		
Click to expand...

When I first saw it, I genuinely thought she was another MP ‘doing a Nadine Dorris’ … the sad bit is - it could very well be true.


----------



## Slime (Feb 4, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Feb 4, 2022)

These speed cameras catch everything !!!


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Feb 5, 2022)

Guys
How many times ?

No political posts, 
Everybody knows this by now yet they still appear.

8 point infractions for ignoring moderator advice are going to start flying around and if the perps have current live infractions that’s going to result in a ban. 

So don’t go there 👍


----------



## DaveR (Feb 5, 2022)

PhilTheFragger said:



			Guys
How many times ?

No political posts,
Everybody knows this by now yet they still appear.

8 point infractions for ignoring moderator advice are going to start flying around and if the perps have current live infractions that’s going to result in a ban.

So don’t go there 👍
		
Click to expand...

A political post and a political joke are two very different things.


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Feb 5, 2022)

DaveR said:



			A political post and a political joke are two very different things.
		
Click to expand...

No they are not, neither are allowed
So please don’t


----------



## DaveR (Feb 5, 2022)

PhilTheFragger said:



			No they are not, neither are allowed
So please don’t
		
Click to expand...

OK. Your forum your rules


----------



## Mudball (Feb 5, 2022)

DaveR said:



			A political post and a political joke are two very different things.
		
Click to expand...

@PhilTheFragger .. you do a great job managing this box of frogs..


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Feb 5, 2022)

DaveR said:



			OK. Your forum your rules
		
Click to expand...

Not my forum, not by a long way
GM ‘s forum , GM’s rules, it’s their train set and if we want to play with it, then we follow their rules, 

Any problems with that @MarkT is yer man to talk to


----------



## DaveR (Feb 5, 2022)

PhilTheFragger said:



			Not my forum, not by a long way
GM ‘s forum , GM’s rules, it’s their train set and if we want to play with it, then we follow their rules,

Any problems with that @MarkT is yer man to talk to
		
Click to expand...

You like to hide behind that mantra but the bottom line is you're the one that enforces the rules and maybe you should be cutting people a bit of slack.


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Feb 5, 2022)

DaveR said:



			You like to hide behind that mantra but the bottom line is you're the one that enforces the rules and maybe you should be cutting people a bit of slack.
		
Click to expand...

No , because where do you draw the line, 
It’s a simple rule, please just accept it


----------



## Tashyboy (Feb 5, 2022)

DaveR said:



			You like to hide behind that mantra but the bottom line is you're the one that enforces the rules and maybe you should be cutting people a bit of slack.
		
Click to expand...

Give the forum and inch etc and they will take a political mile which is a long mile


----------



## SatchFan (Feb 5, 2022)

Harsh, but probably necessary.


----------



## Mudball (Feb 5, 2022)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (Feb 5, 2022)

Two photons were going on holiday and were asked at the airport if they had any luggage.   "No we're travelling light"


----------



## Slime (Feb 6, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Feb 6, 2022)




----------



## srixon 1 (Feb 6, 2022)

Stood on our 6th tee yesterday which backs on to our 8th tee. There is a guy on the 8th tee throwing sticks up a tree. On closer inspection there was a driver stuck up there. It was still there when we arrived at the 8th. Zapped it with my laser and it was 24 yards away. 😂


----------



## Slime (Feb 6, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Feb 6, 2022)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Feb 6, 2022)

Just to let you all know that I've been taken to hospital and they're keeping me in. I poisoned myself when I mistook some daffodil bulbs for onions and ate them. 

I should be out sometime in Spring.


----------



## Dando (Feb 7, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Feb 7, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Feb 7, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Feb 7, 2022)

Imurg said:



View attachment 41022

Click to expand...

But people moan about dog poo bags being hung in tees


----------



## Dando (Feb 7, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Feb 7, 2022)




----------



## SatchFan (Feb 7, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Feb 7, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Feb 7, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Feb 7, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Feb 7, 2022)

Imurg said:



View attachment 41030

Click to expand...

This deserves a fraggering!


----------



## Slime (Feb 8, 2022)




----------



## yandabrown (Feb 8, 2022)




----------



## Maninblack4612 (Feb 8, 2022)

yandabrown said:



View attachment 41050

Click to expand...

Reaches the end of the ramp & tosses himself off.


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Feb 8, 2022)

You bunch of utter children.

It’s always a thrill to see him coming down the ramp…….

It’s one of Jimmy Carr’s 👍


----------



## Pin-seeker (Feb 8, 2022)

Slime said:



View attachment 41049

Click to expand...

What a women 😍


----------



## Dando (Feb 8, 2022)

He’s hoping for a happy ending


----------



## Grizzly (Feb 8, 2022)

Dando said:



			He’s hoping for a happy ending
		
Click to expand...

Poor lad, he just wants to finish first...


----------



## Slime (Feb 8, 2022)

yandabrown said:



View attachment 41050

Click to expand...

I'm not, he retired in 2019 !!! 
He ran out of juice.


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Feb 9, 2022)

The ski-jumper was quoted yesterday as hoping he comes first.


----------



## Doon frae Troon (Feb 9, 2022)

Imurg said:



View attachment 41022

Click to expand...

Do those cones sow seeds?


----------



## Slime (Feb 9, 2022)




----------



## GreiginFife (Feb 9, 2022)

Doon frae Troon said:



			Do those cones sow seeds?
		
Click to expand...

It's clearly a cone-ifer tree.


----------



## jim8flog (Feb 9, 2022)

Slime said:



View attachment 41049

Click to expand...



Why would you want one who clearly takes a swig out of everyone's beer before carrying it back.


----------



## JamesR (Feb 9, 2022)

jim8flog said:



			Why would you want one who clearly takes a swig out of everyone's beer before carrying it back.
		
Click to expand...

For one thing, she'll be a much cheaper date if she's getting pissed on other people's drinks 🍻


----------



## jim8flog (Feb 9, 2022)




----------



## spongebob59 (Feb 9, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Feb 9, 2022)




----------



## srixon 1 (Feb 9, 2022)

A security guard has drawn some eyes on faceless figures of a painting valued at $1,000,000 👀 🤣

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1491443638160994304


----------



## Swinglowandslow (Feb 10, 2022)

srixon 1 said:



			A security guard has drawn some eyes on faceless figures of a painting valued at $1,000,000 👀 🤣

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1491443638160994304

Click to expand...

Aye aye!  What's the idea?

I'll get my coat.


----------



## Dando (Feb 10, 2022)




----------



## drdel (Feb 10, 2022)

Dando said:



View attachment 41071

Click to expand...

Reply "...I'll up you a colon..."


----------



## Dando (Feb 10, 2022)

An earthquake hit near a biscuit factory in the North of England last night...

It measured 2.8 on the Rich Tea scale!


----------



## Slime (Feb 10, 2022)

Someone asked me what the 9th letter of the alphabet was,

It was a complete guess, but I was right.


----------



## Slime (Feb 10, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Feb 10, 2022)

Hasn’t the poor kid suffered enough


----------



## yandabrown (Feb 10, 2022)

Dando said:



			An earthquake hit near a biscuit factory in the North of England last night...

It measured 2.8 on the Rich Tea scale!
		
Click to expand...

Crumbs!


----------



## Slime (Feb 10, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Feb 10, 2022)




----------



## bobmac (Feb 11, 2022)

Gazpacho police


----------



## Mudball (Feb 11, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Feb 11, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Feb 11, 2022)

(applies to other clubs too..)


----------



## SatchFan (Feb 11, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Feb 11, 2022)

Website designer of the year..


----------



## Slime (Feb 11, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Feb 11, 2022)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Feb 12, 2022)

Slime said:



View attachment 41107

Click to expand...

was that a Jimmy Carr one?


----------



## Mudball (Feb 12, 2022)

The Rich Shoeshiner

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there . 

He used to sit on the chair , read the Wall Street Journal , and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny , great look .

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO: 
"What do you think of the stock market situation ?"

The CEO arrogantly asks him:
"Why are you so interested in this subject ?"

The shoeshine man replies: 
"I have twenty million dollars deposited in your bank and I am thinking about investing part of the money in the stock market"

The CEO of the bank asks: 
"What is your name ?"

He replies: 
"John Smith H ."

The CEO arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Major Accounts Department:
"Do we have a customer named John Smith H.?"

The Customer Service Manager for Major Accounts replies:
*We certainly do , Sir ! 
He is an extremely esteemed customer ! He has twenty million dollars in his account ."

The CEO leaves the bank , approaches the shoeshine boy , and says:
"Mr. Smith , I would like to invite you to be our guest of honor at our board meeting next Monday and tell us your life story . I'm sure we will have a lot to learn from you ."

At the board meeting , the CEO introduces him to the board members:
"We all know Mr. Smith , who makes our shoes shine like no one else . But Mr. Smith is also our valued customer , with twenty million dollars in his account .

 I invited him to tell us the story of his life . I'm sure we can learn a lot from him . Please , Mr. Smith , tell us your life story ."

Then , Mr. Smith began to narrate his story:
"I came to this country thirty years ago as a young immigrant from Eastern Europe and with an unpronounceable name . I left the ship penniless in my pocket . 

The first thing I did was to change my name to Smith . 

I was hungry and exhausted . I started to wander in search for a job , but without success .

 Suddenly , I found a coin on the sidewalk . I bought some apples .

 I had two options: eat the apples and quench my hunger or start a business . 
I sold the apples for 50 cents and bought more apples with the money . 

When I started accumulating dollars , I managed to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polishes and started cleaning shoes . 

I didn't spend a dime on fun or clothes . I only bought bread and cheese to survive . 

I saved penny by penny and after a while I bought a new set of brushes and shoe polishes in different shades and colors and increased my clientele . 

I lived like a monk and saved a penny after penny . After a while , I managed to buy a chair so that my customers could sit comfortably while I cleaned their shoes , which brought me more customers . 

I didn't spend a dime on the pleasures of life . I kept saving every penny . 

A few years ago , when the corner shoeshine colleague decided to retire , I had already saved enough money to buy his point , which was a better place than mine .

Finally , three months ago , my brother , who was a drug dealer in Chicago , passed away and left me twenty million dollars….  
😂😂

Anyway guys , 
this is just a campaign to promote reading ! Reading stimulates the mind and imagination and helps communication .


----------



## bobmac (Feb 12, 2022)

What happened after the apples?


----------



## drdel (Feb 12, 2022)

bobmac said:



			What happened after the apples?
		
Click to expand...

He gave up, in favour of selling joints


----------



## JamesR (Feb 12, 2022)

So the moral of the story is don’t work hard, spend all you have, and some one else will leave you a fortune 👌


----------



## Slime (Feb 12, 2022)

PhilTheFragger said:



			was that a Jimmy Carr one?
		
Click to expand...

No idea.


----------



## Dando (Feb 12, 2022)




----------



## backwoodsman (Feb 12, 2022)

Dando said:



View attachment 41109

Click to expand...

Oh dear. A cat joke. Be prepared to be ostracised ...


----------



## Slime (Feb 12, 2022)

How about a dog joke?


----------



## Slime (Feb 12, 2022)




----------



## yandabrown (Feb 12, 2022)




----------



## Doon frae Troon (Feb 12, 2022)

backwoodsman said:



			Oh dear. A cat joke. Be prepared to be ostracised ...
		
Click to expand...

OOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW Taking that tape off will be sore.
Prepare for scratches.


----------



## srixon 1 (Feb 13, 2022)

Slime said:



			How about a dog joke?

View attachment 41111

Click to expand...

The art of the silent fart, brilliant. A Labrador specialty.


----------



## Dando (Feb 13, 2022)

srixon 1 said:



			The art of the silent fart, brilliant. A Labrador specialty.
		
Click to expand...

My dog (cockapoo) has mastered this dark art as well


----------



## bobmac (Feb 13, 2022)

srixon 1 said:



			The art of the silent fart, brilliant. A Labrador specialty.
		
Click to expand...

I feel sorry for Amanda's husband, he has no idea who it was


----------



## Imurg (Feb 13, 2022)

This one's for ChrisD..


----------



## AmandaJR (Feb 13, 2022)

bobmac said:



			I feel sorry for Amanda's husband, he has no idea who it was  

Click to expand...

Very true - mine to be frustratingly noisy though


----------



## Dando (Feb 13, 2022)

The premier inn at hayling have a new sign for when the H4H crew turn up


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Feb 13, 2022)




----------



## SatchFan (Feb 13, 2022)

PhilTheFragger said:



			was that a Jimmy Carr one?
		
Click to expand...

Frankie Boyle.


----------



## SatchFan (Feb 13, 2022)

Not much gets past them in Bristol.


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Feb 13, 2022)

SatchFan said:



			Frankie Boyle.
		
Click to expand...

Close 👍


----------



## larmen (Feb 13, 2022)

SatchFan said:



			Frankie Boyle.
		
Click to expand...

He had done plenty of career ending jokes and is back on TV.


----------



## Dando (Feb 14, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Feb 14, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Feb 14, 2022)

The weather was good today so I spent many hours with my new metal detector.
After a few hours, I found a Land Rover buried in a field.

It was a nice Discovery.


----------



## fundy (Feb 14, 2022)

For the past 20 years I've received a Valentines card from the same secret admirer. So I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year. First my granny dies and now this.


----------



## jim8flog (Feb 15, 2022)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Feb 15, 2022)




----------



## AmandaJR (Feb 15, 2022)

When teaching kids cycling we do road signs. They always say something like "no flying motorcycles"!


----------



## SatchFan (Feb 15, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Feb 15, 2022)

Can we grow cactus in this country? 



http://imgur.com/jagIav3


----------



## Mudball (Feb 15, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Feb 16, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Feb 17, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Feb 17, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Feb 17, 2022)




----------



## fundy (Feb 17, 2022)




----------



## SatchFan (Feb 17, 2022)




----------



## SatchFan (Feb 17, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Feb 18, 2022)

It’s that windy here that my wheelie bin’s got a speed awareness course next week


----------



## Slime (Feb 18, 2022)




----------



## bobmac (Feb 18, 2022)

For sale…
1 x 15 ft trampoline
1 x 12 ft trampoline
3 x white plastic garden chairs
4 x footballs
3 x wooden fence panels
2 x wheelie bins
1 x gazebo
1 x caravan
1 x cat
Inbox me for prices, new stock arriving by the minute.


----------



## rosecott (Feb 18, 2022)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (Feb 18, 2022)




----------



## Tashyboy (Feb 18, 2022)

About sums it up


----------



## Slime (Feb 18, 2022)




----------



## HomerJSimpson (Feb 18, 2022)

I thought 50 shades of grey was just a makeup application guide for goths


----------



## SocketRocket (Feb 18, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Feb 19, 2022)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Feb 20, 2022)




----------



## Old Skier (Feb 21, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Feb 21, 2022)




----------



## Blue in Munich (Feb 21, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Feb 21, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Feb 21, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Feb 21, 2022)




----------



## Blue in Munich (Feb 21, 2022)




----------



## DRW (Feb 22, 2022)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (Feb 22, 2022)

And if you find your way back, Fragger will give you an infraction for it.


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Feb 22, 2022)

What do you call the boss at Old McDonalds Farm?
The CIEIO


----------



## Smiffy (Feb 22, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Feb 22, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Feb 23, 2022)

i've got a chicken that counts her own eggs
	
	
		
		
	


	




She's mathemachicken


----------



## DRW (Feb 24, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Feb 24, 2022)

Oh the irony..
Buy an electric car to save the Planet and a tree kills it....(shamelessly stolen)


----------



## Blue in Munich (Feb 24, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Feb 24, 2022)




----------



## ADB (Feb 24, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Feb 24, 2022)

One of Italy’s finest comebacks


----------



## Dando (Feb 25, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Feb 25, 2022)

Now we are allowed to go on holiday, I’ve let my wife go with a friend as I have a few hospital appointments due to illness. Before she got on the plane she told me to take special care of our pet Siamese cat. As soon as she arrived she phoned home to ask about the cat. I said, "The cat just died! "
She burst into tears and started to read the riot act to me, “How can you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually? Today you could have said that it was playing on the roof. Tomorrow you could have added that it fell off the roof and broke it's leg. Then on the third day you could have said that the poor thing had passed away peacefully in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing! By the way, how's my mother?
I said, "She's playing on the roof!" ☺️


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Feb 25, 2022)




----------



## Blue in Munich (Feb 25, 2022)

No animals were actually harmed in the wordplay in this joke…


----------



## backwoodsman (Feb 25, 2022)

A man was driving down a country lane, when a cockerel ran out of a farmyard gate. He couldn't stop and unfortunately he ran over it and killed it. Feeling really bad, he thought he'd better go to the farm. He knocked on the door and it was opened by the farmer's wife. " I'm really sorry" he said "I've just run over your cockerel and killed it. I'd like to replace it". "Well," said the farmer's wife "I suppose you can do as you please. But you'll find the hens in the shed round the back ..."

Shamelessly stolen from the the R4 tribute to Barry Cryer - who'd said it was his favourite joke.


----------



## SatchFan (Feb 25, 2022)

Meanwhile, in Scotland.


----------



## Slime (Feb 25, 2022)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (Feb 25, 2022)

This one could sum up so many posts on this forum in the last decade


----------



## Slime (Feb 25, 2022)

I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices recently.

He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist!


----------



## SatchFan (Feb 26, 2022)

"And that's how cut and paste works".


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Feb 28, 2022)




----------



## fundy (Feb 28, 2022)

A couple made a deal, that whoever died first, would come back and inform the other if there was life after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact: "Mary.........Mary..."
"Is that you, George?" asks Mary.
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed." says George.
"That's wonderful! What's it like?" asks Mary.
"Well," says George, "when I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud of me Mary - lots of greens!). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day, it starts all over again."
"Oh, George, are you in Heaven?" asks Mary.
"No, Mary.... I'm a rabbit on the edge of Dartmoor!


----------



## Slime (Feb 28, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Feb 28, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Feb 28, 2022)

Look again!


----------



## jim8flog (Feb 28, 2022)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (Feb 28, 2022)

For the person who has left The Lounge.


----------



## Dando (Feb 28, 2022)

Pathetic Shark said:



			For the person who has left The Lounge.
	View attachment 41511

Click to expand...

Have we got a flouncer?


----------



## SocketRocket (Feb 28, 2022)




----------



## Tashyboy (Feb 28, 2022)

😳😁


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Feb 28, 2022)




----------



## pompeybandit (Feb 28, 2022)




----------



## Doon frae Troon (Mar 1, 2022)

Pathetic Shark said:



View attachment 41504

Click to expand...

30 years ago that was my hand held radio call recognition to the the green keepers.


----------



## SatchFan (Mar 1, 2022)

Just in case you're injured in a batter related accident.


----------



## clubchamp98 (Mar 1, 2022)

Pathetic Shark said:



View attachment 41504

Click to expand...

That’s an Oddity!


----------



## Slime (Mar 1, 2022)

I just saw cat Stevens' boat float down the river.



Mooring has broken.


----------



## Slime (Mar 1, 2022)




----------



## SocketRocket (Mar 2, 2022)




----------



## CliveW (Mar 2, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Mar 2, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Mar 2, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Mar 2, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Mar 2, 2022)




----------



## BiMGuy (Mar 2, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Mar 2, 2022)

Went to London Zoo today and saw a gorilla holding a banana and a tin opener. 
Thinking I'd be funny I shouted "You don't need the tin opener for that mate" 

The gorilla shouted back "It's for the custard, numpty"


----------



## Slime (Mar 3, 2022)

My obese parrot has died. 
Although I'm sad, it's a huge weight off my shoulders.


----------



## SocketRocket (Mar 3, 2022)




----------



## williamalex1 (Mar 3, 2022)

SocketRocket said:














Click to expand...

I know how he feels/falls.
I had a bad fall 2 weeks ago, I fell backward landing heavily on my r/h kidney area, I'm still in agony.
Can you get a stairlift for 1 step?


----------



## rosecott (Mar 3, 2022)

williamalex1 said:



			I know how he feels/falls.
I had a bad fall 2 weeks ago, I fell backward landing heavily on my r/h kidney area, I'm still in agony.
Can you get a stairlift for 1 step? 

Click to expand...

All you need to do is keep off the brandy.


----------



## williamalex1 (Mar 3, 2022)

rosecott said:



			All you need to do is keep off the brandy.
		
Click to expand...

If i'd had a few I probably wouldn't have felt a thing, but later I did force myself to have a few just for medical reasons


----------



## Slime (Mar 3, 2022)

Moscow man buys newspaper, glances at front page, throws it straight it the bin.
Next day: same again. 
And again. 
All week. 
Eventually, newspaper seller snaps.
"Why do you keep doing that?" 
Bloke says. "Oh, I'm just checking for an obituary."
Seller retorts. "But obituaries aren't even on the front page!" 


Bloke says. "Oh, the one I'm looking for will be..."


----------



## spongebob59 (Mar 3, 2022)




----------



## Smiffy (Mar 4, 2022)




----------



## williamalex1 (Mar 4, 2022)

Smiffy said:



View attachment 41585

Click to expand...

 A while ago he got me in black n white


----------



## Dando (Mar 4, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Mar 5, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Mar 5, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Mar 5, 2022)

http://imgur.com/h97DFVE


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Mar 5, 2022)

I went to a nightclub that was full of Orcs, Hobbits and Elves...
It was Mordor on the dancefloor.


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Mar 6, 2022)

My grand-dad was responsible for downing 34 German planes during the war.
He was the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.


----------



## Blue in Munich (Mar 7, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Mar 7, 2022)




----------



## Blue in Munich (Mar 8, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Mar 8, 2022)

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever..
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room..
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150.                     
​ 




​


----------



## Norrin Radd (Mar 8, 2022)

Housemaid to lady of the house .
 Madam I am wanting a pay rise and I have three reasons for this.
 First is that I iron shirts better than you .
 Lady replies, who told you that .
It was your husband madam.
 Secondly I am a better cook than you .
 And did my husband tell you this?
   Yes madam he did and thirdly I am better between the sheets than you , 

The lady is fuming, did my husband tell you this as well, 
No madam the gardener did.

Err how much were you thinking of


----------



## Slime (Mar 8, 2022)




----------



## spongebob59 (Mar 8, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Mar 8, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Mar 8, 2022)




----------



## fundy (Mar 8, 2022)

Slime said:



View attachment 41715

Click to expand...


Mrs F was having none of it!!!!!


----------



## Slime (Mar 8, 2022)




----------



## Norrin Radd (Mar 9, 2022)

My wife was trying to run me down in front of her friends saying that I was no good in bed ,lucky for me they all disagreed


----------



## Tashyboy (Mar 9, 2022)

Bittersweet announcement but after an amazing 2 years as an infectious disease expert I am moving on. I am now an expert in no-fly zones and Eastern European affairs. Excited to make the most of this new opportunity.


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Mar 9, 2022)

The first rule of Vegan Fight Club is:
Tell Everyone you're a member of Vegan Fight Club.


----------



## Slime (Mar 9, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Mar 9, 2022)

there’s Middle Eastern millionaire going about buying up all the fish and chip shops in South East London. His name is Sultan Vinegar....


----------



## chico (Mar 9, 2022)

In the barbershop today and a guy has come in saying he got his hair cut yesterday and his sideburns are different lengths. It's millimetres and the barber says to him could you not just evened them up when your shaving. He says he's paid for it and wants it fixed. 

I couldn't help laughing I wonder people have the time for stuff like that.


----------



## Smiffy (Mar 10, 2022)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Mar 10, 2022)




----------



## pompeybandit (Mar 11, 2022)




----------



## bobmac (Mar 11, 2022)

HID has finally decided she wants to get married which is great but........she's booked the church for the 3rd of July which is the same day as the British Grand Prix at Silverstone, and I've got tickets.
So if anyone wants to take my place, the wedding is at 2pm in Lincoln and her name is Jenny


----------



## Slime (Mar 11, 2022)




----------



## IainP (Mar 11, 2022)

Probably doesn't fit on this thread, but also didn't feel right putting it on the Ukraine thread.


----------



## IainP (Mar 11, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Mar 12, 2022)

Science joke..


----------



## Dando (Mar 12, 2022)




----------



## Robin Hood (Mar 12, 2022)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (Mar 12, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Mar 12, 2022)

Pathetic Shark said:



View attachment 41764

Click to expand...

That's harsh on donkeys


----------



## jim8flog (Mar 12, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Mar 12, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Mar 12, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Mar 12, 2022)




----------



## Norrin Radd (Mar 12, 2022)

Stallone say I'm going to make a movie about composers and I will  be Beethoven.
 Van damme says I will be Mozart.
Schwarzaneger says stop it I'm not saying it .







Let's see how long it takes lol.


----------



## jim8flog (Mar 13, 2022)

When road signs take on new meaning


----------



## Slime (Mar 13, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Mar 13, 2022)




----------



## DaveR (Mar 14, 2022)

Poloce have confirmed that the man who fell from a nightclub roof and died was not a bouncer.


----------



## Slime (Mar 14, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Mar 14, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Mar 14, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Mar 14, 2022)




----------



## spongebob59 (Mar 14, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Mar 15, 2022)




----------



## Voyager EMH (Mar 15, 2022)

Slime said:



View attachment 41830

Click to expand...

Posted on the Ides of March, I note.


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Mar 16, 2022)

Shania Twain has just named her baby son Choo Choo. I bet he’s chuffed.


----------



## Tashyboy (Mar 16, 2022)

Pathetic Shark said:



			Shania Twain has just named her baby son Choo Choo. I bet he’s chuffed.
		
Click to expand...

Nickname Train. Aka Twain Train 😳😁


----------



## Dando (Mar 16, 2022)

With the increase in the cost of living, Mrs D is selling nude photos.

For £5 she’ll send one 

For £50 she won’t send any


----------



## richart (Mar 16, 2022)

Dando said:



			With the increase in the cost of living, Mrs D is selling nude photos.

For £5 she’ll send one

For £50 she won’t send any
		
Click to expand...

She doesn't read this forum does she.


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Mar 16, 2022)

Homer told me they were giving them away at H2H


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Mar 16, 2022)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Mar 16, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Mar 16, 2022)

for those that understand


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Mar 17, 2022)

A friend of mine had a stutter and his Nana died.
By the time he had finished telling us, we were all singing "Hey Jude"


----------



## Imurg (Mar 17, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Mar 17, 2022)




----------



## spongebob59 (Mar 18, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Mar 18, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Mar 18, 2022)




----------



## DRW (Mar 18, 2022)




----------



## DRW (Mar 18, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Mar 18, 2022)

Fuel prices are now so high that it's cheaper just to buy cocaine and run everywhere!


----------



## Dando (Mar 18, 2022)

Mrs D said that I treat everything as a joke, so I told her to sit down and we could talk about it.....

That's when I pulled the chair away !!!


----------



## Mudball (Mar 19, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Mar 20, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Mar 20, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Mar 20, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Mar 21, 2022)




----------



## spongebob59 (Mar 21, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Mar 21, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Mar 22, 2022)




----------



## SocketRocket (Mar 22, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Mar 23, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Mar 23, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Mar 23, 2022)

My local acupuncturist was stabbed 15 times last night.
He said he’s never felt better


----------



## Orikoru (Mar 24, 2022)

I got: 
"Florida man shoots mother over orange juice", "Florida man tased for twerking during traffic stop" and "Florida man fed up with potholes plants banana tree in middle of road". 😆


----------



## Dando (Mar 24, 2022)

I got “Florida man wearing crocs jumps into crocodile pit”

I reckon it was @Tashyboy 🤣


----------



## phillarrow (Mar 24, 2022)

[QUOTE="Orikoru, post: 248]

I got:
"Florida man shoots mother over orange juice", "Florida man tased for twerking during traffic stop" and "Florida man fed up with potholes plants banana tree in middle of road". 😆[/QUOTE]

Be careful, apparently, it's a hacking thing to try to get people's DOB, linked to their Social Media accounts:

_"Sure, if you've locked your social media account down so that only friends can see your posts and information and that information already includes your birth date, this sort of thing is relatively harmless. But if you are posting in response to the Florida Man Challenge publicly, it offers others an opportunity for bad actors to collect information that includes your birthdate—just one more tool they can use to attempt to socially engineer their way into your accounts and other personally identifying or financial data. And once it's out there, it won't go away.

The Florida Man Challenge may have begun as an innocent social experiment; one of the earliest posters on Twitter said she found it in someone's Tumblr account. But there have been similar Twitter memes that have raised suspicion"_

P.S. I only found this out *after* doing it! I got "Florida man tries to board plane with rocket propelled grenade launcher." and "Florida man finds WWII grenade and brings it to Taco Bell."


----------



## Orikoru (Mar 24, 2022)

phillarrow said:






			I got:
"Florida man shoots mother over orange juice", "Florida man tased for twerking during traffic stop" and "Florida man fed up with potholes plants banana tree in middle of road". 😆
		
Click to expand...

Be careful, apparently, it's a hacking thing to try to get people's DOB, linked to their Social Media accounts:

_"Sure, if you've locked your social media account down so that only friends can see your posts and information and that information already includes your birth date, this sort of thing is relatively harmless. But if you are posting in response to the Florida Man Challenge publicly, it offers others an opportunity for bad actors to collect information that includes your birthdate—just one more tool they can use to attempt to socially engineer their way into your accounts and other personally identifying or financial data. And once it's out there, it won't go away._

_The Florida Man Challenge may have begun as an innocent social experiment; one of the earliest posters on Twitter said she found it in someone's Tumblr account. But there have been similar Twitter memes that have raised suspicion"_

P.S. I only found this out *after* doing it! I got "Florida man tries to board plane with rocket propelled grenade launcher." and "Florida man finds WWII grenade and brings it to Taco Bell."
		
Click to expand...



I don't really buy that stuff. You don't put the year in anyway it's just the month and day, so there's a 1 in 366 chance of them guessing that anyway, ha. If it was more along the lines of "what's your mother's maiden name / first pet's name?" then they'd have a case. 

(Edit: wtf is wrong with the quote tags)


----------



## Old Skier (Mar 24, 2022)




----------



## RichA (Mar 24, 2022)

Love it...

"Naked Florida man with crossbow who claimed aliens were after him shot by deputy."


----------



## Liverpoolphil (Mar 24, 2022)

*April 30 Florida Man Threatens To “Shoot All The Employees” At Pet Store Over Sick Puppies*


----------



## Fade and Die (Mar 24, 2022)

Florida man tried to pay for McDonald’s with bag of weed


----------



## Dando (Mar 24, 2022)

Fade and Die said:



			Florida man tried to pay for McDonald’s with bag of weed 

Click to expand...

I’d imagine the weed was more nutritious


----------



## SatchFan (Mar 24, 2022)




----------



## Norrin Radd (Mar 24, 2022)

Florida man claims people are eating his brains ,takes cops on a car chase across a golf course


----------



## Imurg (Mar 24, 2022)

Florida man tries to conceal $1000 cash in rectum........


The world is ending...😔


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Mar 24, 2022)

Florida man thinks the Miami Dolphins are going to make the playoffs this season ......


----------



## drdel (Mar 24, 2022)

Imurg said:



			Florida man tries to conceal $1000 cash in rectum........


The world is ending...😔
		
Click to expand...

'Wrecked em! Well it probably made his eyes water.


----------



## Dando (Mar 24, 2022)

Imurg said:



			Florida man tries to conceal $1000 cash in rectum........


The world is ending...😔
		
Click to expand...

Notes or coins?


----------



## jim8flog (Mar 24, 2022)

I once did a search On Adams Tight Lies

If  I posted on here what was top of the search list it would get me an infringement. 

It came back with references to Tracey Adams.


----------



## Imurg (Mar 24, 2022)

Dando said:



			Notes or coins?
		
Click to expand...

You what..?
I didn't delve further...if you pardon the phraseology


----------



## Slime (Mar 24, 2022)

Florida Man is facing charges after plopping down on a portable table in the middle of a busy Florida highway and chowed down on some tasty-ass pancakes. He did this all whilst wearing green pajamas and some fuzzy slippers!


----------



## Slime (Mar 24, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Mar 24, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Mar 24, 2022)

Imurg said:



			You what..?
I didn't delve further...if you pardon the phraseology 

Click to expand...

 large denomination notes would be easier to hide than quarters


----------



## Dando (Mar 25, 2022)

I got kicked out of the cinema yesterday for taking my own food.
I was gutted as it’s been ages since
I had a bbq


----------



## Slime (Mar 25, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Mar 25, 2022)

I once entered the world kleptomaniac championships. 



I took gold, silver and bronze.


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Mar 25, 2022)

In the Olympic sailing event, USA took the Gold, Great Britain took the silver and the Somalians took the boat.


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Mar 25, 2022)

Prince Charles has started playing cricket. He likes to bat and Camilla Parker-Bowles.


----------



## DRW (Mar 25, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Mar 27, 2022)

My college Geography teacher was the best.

I wouldn't have swapped him for all the tea in Denmark.


----------



## Slime (Mar 27, 2022)

My mate Terry said he'd heard a rumour that Toyah had never had a UK top ten hit.
I replied, "It's a myth Terry".
"Oh yeah, I forgot about that one", he said.


----------



## Slime (Mar 27, 2022)




----------



## williamalex1 (Mar 27, 2022)

Slime said:



View attachment 42000

Click to expand...

Fingers crossed


----------



## Mudball (Mar 28, 2022)

Some of the responses to this tweet are worth a chuckle or two >>

https://twitter.com/nocontextbrits/status/1508141389363793923


----------



## Dando (Mar 28, 2022)




----------



## SocketRocket (Mar 28, 2022)




----------



## Old Skier (Mar 28, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Mar 28, 2022)




----------



## Blue in Munich (Mar 28, 2022)




----------



## Fade and Die (Mar 28, 2022)




----------



## srixon 1 (Mar 28, 2022)

Fade and Die said:



View attachment 42016

Click to expand...

Back in the time when I was in the navy, the clocks went forward during the middle watch, and went back in the late afternoon watches (dog watches).


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Mar 28, 2022)

It appears that there is a police investigation into last nights fracas at The Oscars.

Chris Rock has had his face dusted for fresh prints 🤭😂


My coat is already on 👍


----------



## Dando (Mar 29, 2022)

PhilTheFragger said:



			It appears that there is a police investigation into last nights fracas at The Oscars.

Chris Rock has had his face dusted for fresh prints 🤭😂


My coat is already on 👍
		
Click to expand...

Can you give yourself an infraction for that?


----------



## jim8flog (Mar 29, 2022)




----------



## SocketRocket (Mar 29, 2022)

srixon 1 said:



			Back in the time when I was in the navy, the clocks went forward during the middle watch, and went back in the late afternoon watches (dog watches).
		
Click to expand...

At 8 Bells 🙂


----------



## Mudball (Mar 29, 2022)

jim8flog said:



View attachment 42027

Click to expand...

Yet another political issue post…


----------



## Slime (Mar 29, 2022)




----------



## Crazyface (Mar 30, 2022)

Following a 2014 immaculate Nissan Qasquai home that never got over 40mph, I checked it's MOT history (coz I guessed the mileage would be very low and I'm a bit bored with nowt to do)

in 2018

*Monitor and repair if necessary (advisories):*


Nearside Rear Tyre worn close to legal limit/worn on edge (5.2.3 (e))
*Brake pedal wearing smooth (1.1.2 (c))*
I've NEVER seen that before!!!


----------



## phillarrow (Mar 30, 2022)

Crazyface said:



			Following a 2014 immaculate Nissan Qasquai home that never got over 40mph, I checked it's MOT history (coz I guessed the mileage would be very low and I'm a bit bored with nowt to do)

in 2018

*Monitor and repair if necessary (advisories):*


Nearside Rear Tyre worn close to legal limit/worn on edge (5.2.3 (e))
*Brake pedal wearing smooth (1.1.2 (c))*
I've NEVER seen that before!!!
		
Click to expand...

You checked the MOT history of a car you have nothing to do with because it was going at 40mph??? 

Do you also 'check' your neighbours clean themselves thoroughly when showering?!


----------



## Tashyboy (Mar 30, 2022)

Just seen advertised on face book

Garden shed, 2 sides, 2 ends and door, no floor, no roof, though good condition , taken down ready to collect
Could with help and extra cost deliver
£150. 😂😂😂


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Mar 30, 2022)




----------



## Crazyface (Mar 31, 2022)

Pathetic Shark said:



View attachment 42041

Click to expand...

Absolutely brilliant. 😁


----------



## AmandaJR (Mar 31, 2022)

Pathetic Shark said:



View attachment 42041

Click to expand...

I don't get it


----------



## Doon frae Troon (Mar 31, 2022)

AmandaJR said:



			I don't get it 

Click to expand...

They can't read the sign.


----------



## AmandaJR (Mar 31, 2022)

Doon frae Troon said:



			They can't read the sign. 

Click to expand...

Oh I see now!!


----------



## Doon frae Troon (Mar 31, 2022)

AmandaJR said:



			Oh I see now!!
		
Click to expand...

I still love the John Cleese lecture on Forward Planning
He starts writing forward planning on the top of white board and runs out of space at the second 'n'

FORWARD PLANN
...........................I
...........................N
...........................G


----------



## Dando (Mar 31, 2022)

AmandaJR said:



			Oh I see now!!
		
Click to expand...

It took me a while as well


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Mar 31, 2022)

English as a second language of course brings back memories of "Mind your language", the 70s sitcom that set new records for racial stereotyping.


----------



## Foxholer (Mar 31, 2022)

Pathetic Shark said:



			English as a second language of course brings back memories of "Mind your language", the 70s sitcom that set new records for racial stereotyping.
		
Click to expand...

Indeed, so much of comedy back then was based around stuff that would not be acceptable these days.


----------



## DRW (Mar 31, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Mar 31, 2022)

Latest edition of PrivateEye is funny .. if I post the the front page pics of Rishi Sunak it would mean an infraction, so look it up yourself. 

 In the meanwhile


----------



## Slime (Mar 31, 2022)




----------



## larmen (Apr 1, 2022)

Has anyone seen any good April fools today?


----------



## Blue in Munich (Apr 1, 2022)

Dando said:



			It took me a while as well
		
Click to expand...

You weren't alone


----------



## yandabrown (Apr 1, 2022)

larmen said:



			Has anyone seen any good April fools today?
		
Click to expand...

I thought that this was a good summary:


----------



## RichA (Apr 1, 2022)

yandabrown said:



			I thought that this was a good summary:
View attachment 42062

Click to expand...

Love it. The one at 2:40 is the funniest thing I've ever seen.


----------



## phillarrow (Apr 1, 2022)

yandabrown said:



			I thought that this was a good summary:
View attachment 42062

Click to expand...

😂😂😂👏👏👏


----------



## Slime (Apr 1, 2022)

larmen said:



			Has anyone seen any good April fools today?
		
Click to expand...

TXG have done a very good one.


----------



## Imurg (Apr 1, 2022)

Slime said:



			TXG have done a very good one.







Click to expand...

Mikey Design
That took a lot of takes..........


----------



## jim8flog (Apr 1, 2022)

Had to really LOL today

Went to the planning portal website


Note the blue wording


----------



## Slime (Apr 2, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Apr 3, 2022)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (Apr 3, 2022)

The Ladies Synchronised Parking Team have finished their preparations for the upcoming European championships.


----------



## Pants (Apr 3, 2022)

Pathetic Shark said:



View attachment 42083

The Ladies Synchronised Parking Team have finished their preparations for the upcoming European championships.
		
Click to expand...

Naughty


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Apr 4, 2022)

I get a lot of spam mails and messages through my sports Facebook account - but I am having some fun with this one - will keep you updated when I get back from Alderaan on how it progresses.


----------



## Dando (Apr 4, 2022)

Pathetic Shark said:



View attachment 42103


I get a lot of spam mails and messages through my sports Facebook account - but I am having some fun with this one - will keep you updated when I get back from Alderaan on how it progresses.
		
Click to expand...

I’ve got a bad feeling about this


----------



## Slime (Apr 4, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Apr 4, 2022)




----------



## drdel (Apr 4, 2022)

Slime said:



View attachment 42104

Click to expand...

 Made the mistake of showing my lady - peace and silence reign again


----------



## Ethan (Apr 4, 2022)

Just saw a joke on another forum.

A guy stole my running shoes and hi-vis vest. 

He can run, but he can't hide.


----------



## yandabrown (Apr 4, 2022)

Homeowner arrives back to find a ripped up pillow, the reaction of the dogs when asked "who did this?" brought a smile to my face: https://www.instagram.com/reel/CbnZ...b&ig_mid=02F9DBC7-67A6-4933-8521-0E4EDFFCE905


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Apr 4, 2022)

This is getting to be a classic - any suggestions for what to do next?


----------



## Dando (Apr 4, 2022)

Pathetic Shark said:



View attachment 42106

This is getting to be a classic - any suggestions for what to do next?
		
Click to expand...

message like yoda start


----------



## Mudball (Apr 5, 2022)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (Apr 5, 2022)




----------



## Fade and Die (Apr 5, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Apr 5, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Apr 5, 2022)




----------



## DRW (Apr 6, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Apr 6, 2022)

How is best to approach Welsh cheese?









Caerphilly.


----------



## AmandaJR (Apr 6, 2022)

Slime said:



			How is best to approach Welsh cheese?









Caerphilly.
		
Click to expand...

How do you persuade a bear to come down a mountain?







Camembert...

My favourite joke ever


----------



## AmandaJR (Apr 6, 2022)

Actually it should be "what cheese do you use to persuade a bear..."

Ha ha ha!


----------



## yandabrown (Apr 6, 2022)

What does cheese say to itself in the mirror?  




Halloumi.


----------



## jim8flog (Apr 6, 2022)




----------



## backwoodsman (Apr 7, 2022)

AmandaJR said:



			How do you persuade a bear to come down a mountain?

Camembert...

My favourite joke ever 

Click to expand...

Well, if we're now onto corny favourites..

What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?



You can't wash your hands in a buffalo


----------



## Imurg (Apr 7, 2022)

backwoodsman said:



			Well, if we're now onto corny favourites..

What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?



You can't wash your hands in a buffalo
		
Click to expand...

I think that one pre-dates Human evolution......


----------



## Slab (Apr 7, 2022)

My favs;

Fella goes into DIY store and asks for a tin of paint… Sales guy says matt or gloss?
Fella says don’t mess me about my house is on fire !

Then he goes next door to the bakers and asks for a loaf of bread
Baker says brown or white
Fella says, it doesn’t matter I've got my bike outside


----------



## backwoodsman (Apr 7, 2022)

Imurg said:



			I think that one pre-dates Human evolution......

Click to expand...

As do I


----------



## Smiffy (Apr 7, 2022)




----------



## Blue in Munich (Apr 7, 2022)

Imurg said:



			I think that one pre-dates Human evolution......

Click to expand...

But not Fragger or Chrisd 😉😁


----------



## Imurg (Apr 7, 2022)

Blue in Munich said:



			But not Fragger or Chrisd 😉😁
		
Click to expand...

Another good point well made....


----------



## Orikoru (Apr 7, 2022)

Slab said:



			My favs;

Fella goes into DIY store and asks for a tin of paint… Sales guy says matt or gloss?
Fella says don’t mess me about my house is on fire !

Then he goes next door to the bakers and asks for a loaf of bread
Baker says brown or white
Fella says, it doesn’t matter I've got my bike outside
		
Click to expand...

Gonna have to explain this one.


----------



## chrisd (Apr 7, 2022)

Blue in Munich said:



			But not Fragger or Chrisd 😉😁
		
Click to expand...




Imurg said:



			Another good point well made....

Click to expand...


Lots of parts of me are much younger than you two are !


----------



## Slab (Apr 7, 2022)

Orikoru said:



			Gonna have to explain this one. 

Click to expand...

No trick to getting them. Its the illogical stupidity I've always found funny


----------



## Blue in Munich (Apr 7, 2022)

chrisd said:



			Lots of parts of me are much younger than you two are !
		
Click to expand...

Have you to the receipts to prove it?


----------



## chrisd (Apr 7, 2022)

Blue in Munich said:



			Have you to the receipts to prove it? 

Click to expand...

Of course!

Plenty of precious metals. Enough titanium to allow Fraggers driver to be forged to hit nearly on a fairway 🤔


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Apr 7, 2022)

The utter cheek of some people…..
Huh? So this isn’t random irritations? 

Oh well 🤭


----------



## Blue in Munich (Apr 7, 2022)

chrisd said:



			Of course!

Plenty of precious metals.* Enough titanium to allow Fraggers driver to be forged to hit nearly on a fairway *🤔
		
Click to expand...

Didn't know there was that much titanium in the world.


----------



## Orikoru (Apr 7, 2022)

Slab said:



			No trick to getting them. Its the illogical stupidity I've always found funny
		
Click to expand...

Oh. I thought they were some pun or play on words I wasn't getting. Based on what you've just said they are not even jokes really - just sentences.


----------



## Slab (Apr 7, 2022)

Orikoru said:



			Oh. I thought they were some pun or play on words I wasn't getting. Based on what you've just said they are not even jokes really - just sentences.
		
Click to expand...

If this thread is for 'jokes' it'd just be a couple of pages long


----------



## Mudball (Apr 7, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Apr 7, 2022)

Blue in Munich said:



			Didn't know there was that much titanium in the world.  

Click to expand...

It’s a metal, not a miracle worker!


----------



## sweaty sock (Apr 7, 2022)

Dando said:



			It’s a metal, not a miracle worker!
		
Click to expand...

Its not a metal, it's a very naughty boy!


----------



## Dando (Apr 7, 2022)

I thought I’d put a big smile on Mrs d’s face when she woke up this morning.

Now marker pens are banned and apparently I’m a ……


----------



## Slime (Apr 7, 2022)




----------



## Tashyboy (Apr 7, 2022)

Orikoru said:



			Gonna have to explain this one. 

Click to expand...

It’s a bit like
 two penguins are in a bath. One says to the other “ can you pass me the bar of soap”, the second penguin says ” what do you think I am, a car radio”. 
I think there just supposed to be stupid.


----------



## Mudball (Apr 8, 2022)

Anyone seen these guys on Twitter…  lot of cutting edge stuff coming thru on Twitter by independent folks. Susie Holt’s ‘TV interviews’ can be a riot sometimes 


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1511765659352543232


----------



## Blue in Munich (Apr 8, 2022)




----------



## Blue in Munich (Apr 8, 2022)

Mudball said:








Click to expand...

On the plus side, ceiling was spelt correctly 👍😁


----------



## DRW (Apr 8, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Apr 8, 2022)

Tashyboy said:



			It’s a bit like
two penguins are in a bath. One says to the other “ can you pass me the bar of soap”, the second penguin says ” what do you think I am, a car radio”.
I think there just supposed to be stupid.
		
Click to expand...

 I would post another joke about  two nuns and soap in the bath but it would get me an infraction.


----------



## Tashyboy (Apr 8, 2022)

jim8flog said:



			I would post another joke about  two nuns and soap in the bath but it would get me an infraction.
		
Click to expand...

Oh Power of PM 😉😁


----------



## Slime (Apr 8, 2022)

jim8flog said:



			I would post another joke about  two nuns and soap in the bath but it would get me an infraction.
		
Click to expand...

Yes it does, doesn't it.

Two budgies on a perch, one says to the other, "Do you smell fish?"


----------



## SatchFan (Apr 8, 2022)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Apr 8, 2022)

Slime said:



			Yes it does, doesn't it.

Two budgies on a perch, one says to the other, "Do you smell fish?"
		
Click to expand...

Two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing"?


----------



## Slime (Apr 8, 2022)

A white horse goes into a pub and orders a scotch.
The barman says, "We have a whisky named after you."
The horse says, "What, Eric?"


----------



## jim8flog (Apr 8, 2022)

seen on a wall
Dyslexia Rules KO


----------



## rosecott (Apr 8, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Apr 8, 2022)

rosecott said:








Click to expand...

I don't get that one!


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Apr 8, 2022)

Two tigers have a drinking competition and one is left flat out on the floor smashed out of his skull.  The other one staggers off back to the zoo when the bar-tender says "oi you can't leave that lying there".
"It's a tiger not a lion you idiot" it replies.


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Apr 8, 2022)

An egg and a sausage on a frying pan.
"Wow it's hot here" said the egg.
"Blimey a talking egg" replied the sausage.


----------



## ColchesterFC (Apr 8, 2022)




----------



## rosecott (Apr 8, 2022)

Slime said:



			I don't get that one!
		
Click to expand...

Drivng? Not his forte off the course.


----------



## Slime (Apr 8, 2022)

rosecott said:



			Drivng? Not his forte off the course.
		
Click to expand...

???
Look at your post #4961.


----------



## drdel (Apr 8, 2022)

Judging by the current standard I guess Schools have broken up for Easter


----------



## rosecott (Apr 9, 2022)

Slime said:



			???
Look at your post #4961.
		
Click to expand...

Have just looked at it - there was something there but it has now disappeared.


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Apr 9, 2022)

My tip for the Grand National is Ronseal.  It's good over fences.


----------



## spongebob59 (Apr 9, 2022)

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-somerset-61043514


----------



## CliveW (Apr 9, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Apr 9, 2022)

Pathetic Shark said:



			My tip for the Grand National is Ronseal.  It's good over fences.
		
Click to expand...

My tip is dusty carpet- it’s never been beaten


----------



## SatchFan (Apr 9, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Apr 9, 2022)

rosecott said:



			Have just looked at it - there was something there but it has now disappeared.

View attachment 42186

Click to expand...

Ah, now it makes sense!


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Apr 10, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Apr 10, 2022)

There are still way too many people in the world who haven't seen Terminator.......it's only a matter of time..😋


----------



## Slime (Apr 10, 2022)

Imurg said:



			There are still way too many people in the world who haven't seen Terminator.......it's only a matter of time..😋
		
Click to expand...

There are just too many people in the world!


----------



## DRW (Apr 11, 2022)




----------



## DRW (Apr 11, 2022)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Apr 11, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Apr 11, 2022)

PhilTheFragger said:



View attachment 42217

Click to expand...

I think an infraction is due


----------



## Mudball (Apr 12, 2022)

Pants said:



			I think an infraction is due 

Click to expand...

I agree .. also I think @PhilTheFragger  should tattoo some rabbits on his forehead.. that way we will see his hareline from a distance ..


----------



## Slime (Apr 12, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Apr 12, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Apr 12, 2022)




----------



## Tashyboy (Apr 12, 2022)

On about going out for a Chinese tonight and Explaining to grandson what fried chicken balls are when he has screwed his face up. Only for him to say I thought it meant “ a chickens privates”. 😳


----------



## jim8flog (Apr 12, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Apr 12, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Apr 13, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Apr 14, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Apr 14, 2022)




----------



## chellie (Apr 14, 2022)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1514594342865936384


----------



## Dando (Apr 14, 2022)

chellie said:




__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1514594342865936384

Click to expand...

I bet the ants don’t return


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Apr 15, 2022)

The plot for Caddyshack 3 has just been revealed.


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Apr 15, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Apr 16, 2022)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (Apr 16, 2022)

Friend of mine got in trouble with the Florida Broadcasting Authority for saying on air "Alexa, call my mother".    Everyone listening who had an Alexa had it happen.    Funny but it was a one-off.


----------



## jim8flog (Apr 16, 2022)




----------



## rulefan (Apr 16, 2022)

I'm getting fed up with people complaining about the increasing cost of things.

£3 for a coffee, £4 for a slice of cake, £5 for parking. I could go on. 

I mean really! It’s like a broken record these days. I'm going to stop inviting them round.


----------



## Slime (Apr 17, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Apr 17, 2022)

Stood too close once before?


----------



## Mudball (Apr 17, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Apr 17, 2022)




----------



## Doon frae Troon (Apr 17, 2022)

The Adidas sports brand marketing folk must have had golfers who buy only one golf glove in mind when they came out with their new product.

Warm, fleecy lined sports shorts.
Only £34.
https://www.footasylum.com/men/mens...term=4576511001461432&utm_content=Ad group #1


----------



## JamesR (Apr 18, 2022)

Doon frae Troon said:



			The Adidas sports brand marketing folk must have had golfers who buy only one golf glove in mind when they came out with their new product.

Warm, fleecy lined sports shorts.
Only £34.
https://www.footasylum.com/men/mens-clothing/shorts/adidas-originals-3-stripe-fleece-short-black-white-4032404/?locale=gb&istCompanyId=d94237bf-2058-4774-ba38-3499bddb9813&istFeedId=bb79e3eb-1ffc-447e-baee-3dbd42b29d39&istItemId=irxwtlwwi&istBid=t&msclkid=1fff3750fe1412b3b064550c9662c48b&utm_source=bing&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=UK - Smart Shopping&utm_term=4576511001461432&utm_content=Ad group #1

Click to expand...

I think you’ve chosen the wrong thread, what’s funny about this?


----------



## Doon frae Troon (Apr 18, 2022)

JamesR said:



			I think you’ve chosen the wrong thread, what’s funny about this?
		
Click to expand...

Fleece lined shorts.......that is bloomin hilarious in my wee world,
Why would anyone buy shorts to keep you warm.


----------



## Lord Tyrion (Apr 18, 2022)

Doon frae Troon said:



			Fleece lined shorts.......that is bloomin hilarious in my wee world,
Why would anyone buy shorts to keep you warm.

Click to expand...

Plenty of people live in shorts for most of the year. My son, 22, spends 10 months of the year in shorts, as do his mates. I see blokes, workmen often, who are in them 12 months of the year. They just find them more comfy. They are allowed to keep their 'key regions' warm still though.


----------



## bobmac (Apr 18, 2022)

Lord Tyrion said:



			Plenty of people live in shorts for most of the year. My son, 22, spends 10 months of the year in shorts, as do his mates. I see blokes, workmen often, who are in them 12 months of the year. They just find them more comfy. They are allowed to keep their 'key regions' warm still though.
		
Click to expand...

I've just made a new pair.... got to love crochet.
PM me if you want the pattern


----------



## backwoodsman (Apr 18, 2022)

bobmac said:



			I've just made a new pair.... got to love crochet.
PM me if you want the pattern

View attachment 42309




Click to expand...

They are just so wrong ...


----------



## clubchamp98 (Apr 18, 2022)

bobmac said:



			I've just made a new pair.... got to love crochet.
PM me if you want the pattern

View attachment 42309




Click to expand...

Do you do a swimming version ?


----------



## Norrin Radd (Apr 18, 2022)

I'm proud to say that I have just completed the first thing on my bucket list.

I bought a bucket


----------



## spongebob59 (Apr 18, 2022)




----------



## Foxholer (Apr 18, 2022)

bobmac said:



			I've just made a new pair.... got to love crochet.
PM me if you want the pattern

View attachment 42309



Click to expand...

Perfect garb for crochety old men.


----------



## Doon frae Troon (Apr 18, 2022)

Foxholer said:



			Perfect garb for crochety old men. 

Click to expand...

The colour design seems to be quite helpful for the auld yins as well.


----------



## Imurg (Apr 18, 2022)

Foxholer said:



			Perfect garb for crochety old men. 

Click to expand...

Good job I'm Grumpy..


----------



## CliveW (Apr 18, 2022)

JamesR said:



			I think you’ve chosen the wrong thread, what’s funny about this?
		
Click to expand...

It's actually funnier than some of the other posts on here!


----------



## SatchFan (Apr 18, 2022)

Think I'll just have a sandwich.


----------



## Voyager EMH (Apr 18, 2022)

bobmac said:



			I've just made a new pair.... got to love crochet.
PM me if you want the pattern

View attachment 42309




Click to expand...

Going commando in those would be very cool, I imagine.


----------



## JamesR (Apr 18, 2022)

CliveW said:



			It's actually funnier than some of the other posts on here!
		
Click to expand...

that’s damning with faint praise


----------



## Slime (Apr 19, 2022)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (Apr 19, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Apr 19, 2022)

Me and the wife have just been to the cinema to see that film Suffragette.

Two hours of a woman's struggle........full of tears, aggression, sadness, anger and frustration.

Anyway, after she finally managed to park the car in the cinema car park we rushed in and caught the credits...


----------



## drdel (Apr 19, 2022)

You certainly know how to treat a lady


----------



## Imurg (Apr 20, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Apr 20, 2022)

I was having breakfast in a cafe this morning and two waitresses had a massive row over how long to leave a teabag in the cup and it got so bad it ended up in violence.
I asked the manager what had happened and he told me it had been brewing for ages.


----------



## CliveW (Apr 21, 2022)




----------



## Blue in Munich (Apr 21, 2022)

I’ve just got myself a job helping a one-armed typist with capital letters.

It’s shift work…


----------



## jim8flog (Apr 21, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Apr 21, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Apr 21, 2022)

My wife came back from shopping, she said.. “I’ve just seen my gynaecologist in Tescos and he recognised me!”

I said.. “you’ll have to start wearing longer skirts!”


----------



## bobmac (Apr 21, 2022)

If Bjorn and Benny from ABBA were called Steve and Dave, the band would have been called ASDA


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Apr 21, 2022)

And if the girls had been Olive and Oksana, they could have been BOOB.


----------



## DaveR (Apr 22, 2022)

bobmac said:



			If Bjorn and Benny from ABBA were called Steve and Dave, the band would have been called ASDA  

Click to expand...




Pathetic Shark said:



			And if the girls had been Olive and Oksana, they could have been BOOB.
		
Click to expand...

Good job they weren't called Thomas, Ian, Tina and Sharon or the band would have been SITT.


----------



## bobmac (Apr 22, 2022)

Apologies to those who may have seen this before....


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Apr 22, 2022)

To quote Alexei Sayle from "The Young Ones"   ..... " Abba? Abba, Swedish? I knew then when they were a Lancashire clog dancing trio! Arthur, Betty, Boris and Angela!  "


----------



## GreiginFife (Apr 22, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Apr 22, 2022)




----------



## cliveb (Apr 22, 2022)

Apologies if this is an old one known to you all, but it's new to me...

https://www.facebook.com/smitlas/videos/371427718242314/


----------



## Mudball (Apr 22, 2022)




----------



## CliveW (Apr 23, 2022)




----------



## Tashyboy (Apr 23, 2022)

DaveR said:



			Good job they weren't called Thomas, Ian, Tina and Sharon or the band would have been SITT.
		
Click to expand...

Thank god Thomas was not called harry coz I don’t fancy paying to watch that


----------



## Slime (Apr 23, 2022)

Tashyboy said:



			Thank god Thomas was not called harry coz *I don’t fancy paying to watch that.*

Click to expand...

Have pity on the poor United season ticket holders.


----------



## Tashyboy (Apr 23, 2022)

Slime said:



			Have pity on the poor United season ticket holders.
		
Click to expand...

😂😂😂


----------



## Mudball (Apr 24, 2022)

I’ve been suffering from terrible seizures in the past few months. 

 My car, my bike, my house, all gone.


----------



## bobmac (Apr 24, 2022)

Tashyboy said:



			😂😂😂
		
Click to expand...


----------



## Old Skier (Apr 24, 2022)

Those that know - know


----------



## Mudball (Apr 26, 2022)




----------



## CliveW (Apr 27, 2022)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (Apr 28, 2022)

Did you know Jasper Carrott had two daughters named Nora and Henrietta?


----------



## Dando (Apr 29, 2022)

I just got the sack from a jigsaw factory.
they said i didn't fit in.
I’m in pieces.


----------



## jim8flog (Apr 29, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Apr 29, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Apr 30, 2022)

My mum spent 35 years working for a bank. She was recently made redundant and hasn't coped very well. She now spends her days outside the branch using the ATM over and over again.

Doctors say she's just suffering from withdrawal symptoms


----------



## Slime (Apr 30, 2022)

BBQ RULES:
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
(8)THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.                     
​


----------



## CliveW (Apr 30, 2022)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (Apr 30, 2022)

Someone just sent me some tractor porn but I preferred the trailer.


----------



## CliveW (Apr 30, 2022)




----------



## Dando (May 1, 2022)

I’m terrified of lifts and escalators.

I’m taking steps to avoid them


----------



## ColchesterFC (May 1, 2022)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (May 1, 2022)

My partners daughter came home after working away for a few weeks.
dumped her stuff in the hall.

Had that “being watched feeling” and saw the black cat that she hadn’t kidnapped  🙄doh 😀


----------



## Dando (May 1, 2022)

The guy about to hit the ball reminds me of a forumer and the comment about losing the balls also stacks up 🤣


----------



## PhilTheFragger (May 1, 2022)

Dando said:



			The guy about to hit the ball reminds me of a forumer and the comment about losing the balls also stacks up 🤣
	View attachment 42431

Click to expand...

Utter utter utter utter……..
🤭


----------



## Slime (May 1, 2022)




----------



## Slime (May 1, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (May 2, 2022)

Remember birds are not real.. they are drones.. (now I have heard everything)


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1520911800690221057


----------



## Imurg (May 3, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (May 4, 2022)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (May 4, 2022)

Howdy Ho 💩


----------



## bobmac (May 5, 2022)

Imurg said:



View attachment 42472

Click to expand...

I hope they throw the book at her


----------



## Imurg (May 5, 2022)

Someone's indulged in a touch too much Apres Ski.....

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1522112381870034944


----------



## Dando (May 5, 2022)

I was in Turkey last week on holiday and came across one of those Turkish bath houses. They shaved with a solid steel stoneground razor from below the neckline, inside the ears, snipped out nose hairs, waxed off chest hairs and plucked all the hairs out of the arse crack, all finished off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub. Honestly, the wife's never looked so good !!


----------



## Norrin Radd (May 6, 2022)

My bedside lamp has just turned into a butterfly, I never knew it was a larva lamp


----------



## GuyInLyon (May 6, 2022)

CliveW said:








Click to expand...

"The building is actually the corporate offices of Swagelok Northwest, located in Portland, Oregon at 815 SE Sherman St. The company manufactures valves and fittings for gas and fluid systems."
- Hoaxes.Org


----------



## Slime (May 6, 2022)




----------



## Blue in Munich (May 6, 2022)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (May 7, 2022)

Voldemort doing the laundry


The Dark Load 😂😂


----------



## Imurg (May 7, 2022)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (May 7, 2022)

Imurg said:



View attachment 42504

Click to expand...

How long did it take you to find that one? 😂


----------



## Imurg (May 7, 2022)

Less time than it took you to write the "funny"....


----------



## Slime (May 7, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (May 7, 2022)




----------



## Old Skier (May 7, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (May 8, 2022)

Cannot remember if I posted this already or it came from here


----------



## Slime (May 8, 2022)




----------



## bobmac (May 9, 2022)

Amber Heard's Lawyer.......I object!
Judge......but you asked the question


----------



## Slime (May 9, 2022)

Putin dies and goes to hell, but after a while, he is given a day off for good behavior.

So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:

-Is Crimea ours?

-Yes, it is.

-And the Donbas?

-Also ours.

-And Kyiv?

-We got that too.

Satisfied, Putin drinks, and asks:

-Thanks, how much do I owe you?

-5 euros.


----------



## Imurg (May 10, 2022)




----------



## Slime (May 11, 2022)




----------



## Slime (May 11, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (May 12, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (May 12, 2022)

1970 Lancia for Sale.
Needs work.
Offers...


----------



## Dando (May 12, 2022)

Imurg said:



View attachment 42571

1970 Lancia for Sale.
Needs work.
Offers...
		
Click to expand...

is that the ikea version


----------



## CliveW (May 12, 2022)




----------



## Slime (May 12, 2022)




----------



## Slime (May 13, 2022)




----------



## CliveW (May 15, 2022)




----------



## CliveW (May 15, 2022)

An oldie, but it still makes me smile...


----------



## Slime (May 15, 2022)




----------



## Slime (May 15, 2022)




----------



## SocketRocket (May 16, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (May 16, 2022)




----------



## Voyager EMH (May 16, 2022)

Mudball said:



View attachment 42618

Click to expand...

That looks just like my 6-iron which is 30 degrees. 
I'm still confused with F and C. though.

One pi radians is 180 degrees.


----------



## CliveW (May 16, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (May 17, 2022)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (May 18, 2022)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (May 18, 2022)




----------



## Pants (May 21, 2022)

Oow err missus


----------



## GreiginFife (May 21, 2022)

Pants said:



			Oow err missus

View attachment 42677

Click to expand...

Certainly after a night on the Guinness


----------



## Voyager EMH (May 21, 2022)

I'm happy to say that I've never seen them, but there are rings around Uranus.


----------



## Pathetic Shark (May 21, 2022)

I did laugh when NASA put out the first picture of Pluto a few years back from their spacecraft.    This was so my sense of humour
.


----------



## Pathetic Shark (May 21, 2022)




----------



## Smiffy (May 22, 2022)




----------



## Dando (May 22, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (May 22, 2022)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (May 22, 2022)

The FA have studied the video of Veiera allegedly kicking a fan .... .and have awarded Manchester United a penalty.


----------



## jim8flog (May 22, 2022)

Dando said:



View attachment 42685

Click to expand...

  Was that Amish placed order.


----------



## Imurg (May 24, 2022)




----------



## Pathetic Shark (May 24, 2022)




----------



## Dando (May 24, 2022)




----------



## Dando (May 24, 2022)




----------



## Blue in Munich (May 24, 2022)




----------



## fundy (May 24, 2022)

Blue in Munich said:



View attachment 42705

Click to expand...


poor Tashy  hope hes ok


----------



## spongebob59 (May 25, 2022)




----------



## Pin-seeker (May 25, 2022)

Ricky Gervais Super Nature 
Brilliant


----------



## Mudball (May 27, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (May 27, 2022)




----------



## Pants (May 27, 2022)

Russell Crowe and Sheryl Crow walk into a bar. The bartender calls 999 and says, "I want to report an attempted murder."


----------



## Pants (May 27, 2022)

I'm already bored with my time machine and I've only had it a year.  Probably won't bother getting it.

Edit .. Hmmm.  If I did, would I have two?


----------



## Slime (May 28, 2022)




----------



## Slime (May 28, 2022)




----------



## Slime (May 28, 2022)




----------



## Slime (May 28, 2022)




----------



## Slime (May 28, 2022)




----------



## Slime (May 28, 2022)




----------



## CliveW (May 28, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (May 28, 2022)




----------



## Neilds (May 28, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (May 28, 2022)




----------



## Slime (May 28, 2022)




----------



## Tashyboy (May 29, 2022)

Don’t know if this has been shown


----------



## Imurg (May 29, 2022)




----------



## Slime (May 29, 2022)




----------



## Slime (May 29, 2022)




----------



## Slime (May 29, 2022)




----------



## Slime (May 29, 2022)




----------



## Slime (May 31, 2022)




----------



## Rooter (May 31, 2022)

I have just deleted all of the German contacts on my phone. It's so nice to use it Hans-free now.


----------



## jim8flog (May 31, 2022)

It took me a while to work out what is funny about this


----------



## Voyager EMH (May 31, 2022)

Three-legged horse?


----------



## rosecott (May 31, 2022)

jim8flog said:



			It took me a while to work out what is funny about this

View attachment 42859

Click to expand...

5 men in a boat?


----------



## spongebob59 (May 31, 2022)

Aamish caught with a couole.of oars ?


----------



## need_my_wedge (Jun 1, 2022)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Jun 1, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jun 1, 2022)




----------



## CliveW (Jun 1, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Jun 2, 2022)

Poseidon: I am Poseidon, the god of the seas and I will sink your ship! Captain: Row, men! Row, men! 

Poseidon: Whatever, I am Neptune, the god of the seas and I will sink your ship!


----------



## Slime (Jun 2, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Jun 2, 2022)




----------



## Smiffy (Jun 2, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jun 2, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jun 2, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jun 4, 2022)




----------



## Voyager EMH (Jun 4, 2022)

My wife just said, "No he isn't!"


----------



## Slime (Jun 4, 2022)

Voyager EMH said:



			My wife just said, "No he isn't!"
		
Click to expand...

Oooh, I see what she's doing.
Be very careful and make sure you sleep with one eye open!


----------



## Slime (Jun 5, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jun 6, 2022)

I went to the doctors yesterday and told him that everytime I cough, I hear words like knight, bishop, pawn and queen .
He said I had a chess infection


----------



## JollyRedDevil (Jun 6, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jun 6, 2022)

*WARNING !!*

If someone in a white coat knocks on your door and says they have to stick a banana up your bum to test for Monkey Pox, it's a scam!

I feel so stupid now!


----------



## Pants (Jun 6, 2022)

Slime said:



*WARNING !!*

If someone in a white coat knocks on your door and says they have to stick a banana up your bum to test for Monkey Pox, it's a scam!

I feel so stupid now!
		
Click to expand...

Been there, done that.


----------



## Slime (Jun 7, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jun 7, 2022)




----------



## pauljames87 (Jun 7, 2022)

Slime said:



View attachment 42897

Click to expand...

Sorry just seen you posted it first ha


----------



## jim8flog (Jun 7, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Jun 7, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jun 8, 2022)

Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life has clearly never had 2 chocolate bars fall down at once from a vending machine!


----------



## jim8flog (Jun 8, 2022)

Watch out for the spelling police.

Double indemnity needed


----------



## Slime (Jun 9, 2022)




----------



## CliveW (Jun 9, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Jun 9, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Jun 9, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jun 9, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Jun 9, 2022)

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. 

Teach a man to fish and he has to buy graphite rods, two speed reels, neoprene waders, polarized sunglasses, tackle boxes, lures, flies, spinners, offset hooks, 20 pocket vests, depth sounders, radar, boats, trailers, coolers and beer.


----------



## Slime (Jun 10, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jun 10, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jun 10, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jun 10, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jun 10, 2022)

http://imgur.com/t1JKThZ


----------



## upsidedown (Jun 10, 2022)

Slime said:





http://imgur.com/t1JKThZ



Click to expand...


----------



## AmandaJR (Jun 10, 2022)

Slime said:





http://imgur.com/t1JKThZ



Click to expand...

Ha ha ha - when the dog says "bugger" - funny!


----------



## Slime (Jun 11, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Jun 11, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Jun 12, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jun 12, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jun 12, 2022)




----------



## CliveW (Jun 12, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Jun 12, 2022)

This morning my wife thought she saw a cockroach in the kitchen. She sprayed everything and cleaned every surface thoroughly.  Tomorrow I’m putting the cockroach in the bathroom.


----------



## Pants (Jun 12, 2022)

“Lucy in the sky with diamonds."

John Lennon was rubbish at Cluedo.


----------



## Slime (Jun 13, 2022)




----------



## JollyRedDevil (Jun 13, 2022)

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."
Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
This time the wife explains, "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
The husband says, "It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon.


----------



## spongebob59 (Jun 13, 2022)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Jun 13, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jun 13, 2022)

I went to the butchers yesterday and asked for some Tripe! He gave me a DVD of Manchester United’s 2021/22 season


----------



## Slime (Jun 13, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Jun 14, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Jun 14, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jun 14, 2022)

jim8flog said:



View attachment 43072

Click to expand...

but did you remember to wipe?


----------



## Slime (Jun 14, 2022)

*Oh, the irony!*


----------



## CliveW (Jun 15, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Jun 15, 2022)

Oh dear.. Bloke loads tonne bag of sand on Ford Focus 

https://fb.watch/dFqzOrMcCa/


----------



## Mudball (Jun 15, 2022)

Just saw the Patrick Stewart sketch on ECHR ... funny..   cant post link, but easily googleable .. even funnier considering it was made back in 2016..


----------



## Imurg (Jun 15, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jun 15, 2022)

Mudball said:



			Oh dear.. Bloke loads tonne bag of sand on Ford Focus

https://fb.watch/dFqzOrMcCa/

Click to expand...

That link doesn't work for me.


----------



## Slime (Jun 15, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Jun 15, 2022)




----------



## spongebob59 (Jun 15, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Jun 15, 2022)

Slime said:



			That link doesn't work for me.
		
Click to expand...

post that under ‘Random Irritation’


----------



## CliveW (Jun 16, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jun 16, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Jun 17, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Jun 17, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Jun 17, 2022)

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and asks "can I have a pint of lager please?" The barman responds, "We don't serve food in here."


----------



## Slime (Jun 17, 2022)

*Sheep shearers' revenge!!*

*

*


----------



## Mudball (Jun 17, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jun 17, 2022)




----------



## bobmac (Jun 18, 2022)

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a pint of lager and a mop.


----------



## Slime (Jun 18, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jun 18, 2022)

Had an argument with Mrs D over her appalling sense of direction.

She was so mad she packed her bags and right


----------



## CliveW (Jun 18, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jun 18, 2022)

CliveW said:



View attachment 43120

Click to expand...

I know how they feel


----------



## Slime (Jun 18, 2022)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Jun 18, 2022)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Jun 18, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Jun 18, 2022)

PhilTheFragger said:



View attachment 43124

Click to expand...

Ouch!


----------



## Slime (Jun 19, 2022)

http://imgur.com/pQcBlgV


----------



## jim8flog (Jun 19, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jun 19, 2022)

Mr Singh walks into a bank London and asks for the loan officer. He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so Mr Singh hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million pounds.

“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says Mr Singh, “and I have all the necessary papers.”

The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. After Mr Singh leaves, the loan officer, the bank's president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a £250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a £5,000 loan.

One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, Mr Singh returns, repays the £5000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41.

The loan officer says, "Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"




The man replies, "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41?"


----------



## Dando (Jun 19, 2022)

I’ve been taking viagra as my legs got sun burnt.

It’s not helped with the pain but it keeps the sheets of my legs


----------



## Pants (Jun 19, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Jun 19, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jun 20, 2022)




----------



## yandabrown (Jun 20, 2022)




----------



## bobmac (Jun 21, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Jun 21, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jun 21, 2022)




----------



## Robin Hood (Jun 21, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jun 21, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jun 21, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jun 22, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Jun 22, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jun 22, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Jun 22, 2022)

This guy is amazing >> 



__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1539279040468615168


----------



## Rooter (Jun 23, 2022)

Computer sales guy: I'm looking for my next big sale, I'm going to target McDonalds. They must need 1000's of computers.
Manager: Don't waste your time, they won't buy any.
Computer sales guy: Sure they will, I'm the best sales guy in the industry, the computers we sell have the latest Microsoft software and i have the best prices in the country!
Manager: You won't sell any...
Computer sales guy: Oh yeh, why not?
Manager: They are Big Mac users.


----------



## jim8flog (Jun 23, 2022)




----------



## spongebob59 (Jun 23, 2022)

There are loads of Gary Lineakar ones around today, I'll test the water with this one 😉


----------



## Slime (Jun 23, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Jun 24, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Jun 24, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jun 24, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Jun 24, 2022)

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.


----------



## SwingsitlikeHogan (Jun 24, 2022)

spongebob59 said:



			There are loads of Gary Lineakar ones around today, I'll test the water with this one 😉
View attachment 43176

Click to expand...

Nope…need this explained…


----------



## Slime (Jun 24, 2022)

SwingsitlikeHogan said:



			Nope…need this explained…
		
Click to expand...

I'm assuming it's because he claims to have been racially abused as a youngster due to his skin being 'darkish' ..................... in his opinion.


----------



## SwingsitlikeHogan (Jun 25, 2022)

Slime said:



			I'm assuming it's because he claims to have been racially abused as a youngster due to his skin being 'darkish' ..................... in his opinion.
		
Click to expand...

Ok. Didn’t know that - not something to make a joke about IMO but hey…


----------



## bobmac (Jun 25, 2022)

I found it tricky deciding which thread this should go in...


----------



## Slime (Jun 25, 2022)

I saw a chameleon this morning .................................................... obviously, it wasn't a very good one.


----------



## Slime (Jun 25, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Jun 26, 2022)




----------



## spongebob59 (Jun 26, 2022)

EV chargers at the Glastonbury Festival -- which featured Paul McCartney and Greta the Putin Climate Puppet -- were powered by diesel generators. 😂

https://t.co/6czytWHMKf


----------



## Rooter (Jun 27, 2022)

spongebob59 said:



			EV chargers at the Glastonbury Festival -- which featured Paul McCartney and Greta the Putin Climate Puppet -- were powered by diesel generators. 😂

https://t.co/6czytWHMKf

Click to expand...

They were there for emergency charge points for muppets that did not read the warnings about not coming into the car park with EV if you had less than 50 miles range. No choice other than an oil-burner to make the electricity, but if people would have understood, they would have charged outside of the festival.

Basically, a non story, had to double check it wasnt the daily mail.


----------



## Rooter (Jun 27, 2022)

It’s coming


----------



## DaveR (Jun 27, 2022)

Rooter said:



			They were there for emergency charge points for muppets that did not read the warnings about not coming into the car park with EV if you had less than 50 miles range. No choice other than an oil-burner to make the electricity, but if people would have understood, they would have charged outside of the festival.

Basically, a non story, had to double check it wasnt the daily mail.
		
Click to expand...

I would love to have seen the queues at those chargers 50 miles away first thing this morning


----------



## Neilds (Jun 27, 2022)

DaveR said:



			I would love to have seen the queues at those chargers 50 miles away first thing this morning 

Click to expand...

There would be no 'first thing in the morning' for most of the ravers


----------



## Imurg (Jun 27, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jun 27, 2022)

What do you call a psychic dwarf on the run?






A small medium at large!


----------



## Slime (Jun 28, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jun 28, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Jun 28, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jun 28, 2022)

I recently returned from a *'once in a lifetime'* holiday.


Never again!!!


----------



## Fade and Die (Jun 29, 2022)

Slime said:



			I recently returned from a *'once in a lifetime'* holiday.


Never again!!!
		
Click to expand...

Guess your not Scottish then? 😏


----------



## Doon frae Troon (Jun 29, 2022)

Fade and Die said:



			Guess your not Scottish then? 😏
		
Click to expand...

I think you Sweaty and Dando are getting Lifetime and Generation a bit  muddled.


----------



## SatchFan (Jun 29, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Jun 30, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jun 30, 2022)




----------



## GreiginFife (Jul 1, 2022)

Seems a bit harsh. Like a penalty AND a red card.


----------



## GreiginFife (Jul 1, 2022)

Beats jail I guess


----------



## JamesR (Jul 1, 2022)

Rumour has it that Boris Johnson has knocked up his hairdresser...HAIRDRESSER??


----------



## Slime (Jul 1, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jul 1, 2022)

Petrol is now £2 a litre.
Filled tank with £120 worth of fuel.
Drove off without paying.
Went to court yesterday and was found guilty.
Got fined £60 ................................................................................... BOOM!!


----------



## jim8flog (Jul 1, 2022)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Jul 2, 2022)

Bet  @Tashyboy has one 😎😂


----------



## Tashyboy (Jul 2, 2022)

PhilTheFragger said:



View attachment 43276


Bet  @Tashyboy has one 😎😂
		
Click to expand...

Its been called many things but not a big Croc 😉


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Jul 2, 2022)

Tashyboy said:



			Its been called many things but not a big Croc 😉
		
Click to expand...

That was a snappy answer 😂😎


----------



## AmandaJR (Jul 2, 2022)




----------



## bobmac (Jul 2, 2022)

AmandaJR said:



View attachment 43277

Click to expand...

55 years ago


----------



## Pants (Jul 3, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Jul 3, 2022)




----------



## SwingsitlikeHogan (Jul 3, 2022)

JamesR said:



			Rumour has it that Boris Johnson has knocked up his hairdresser...HAIRDRESSER??
		
Click to expand...

Unlike most blokes he doesn’t have a hairdresser…he has a hair stylist…as in…different style for different occasions.😍


----------



## Pants (Jul 3, 2022)

Sad that Andy Murray got knocked out of Wimbledon.
Even sadder for his Grandad who was looking forward to another few days living in Andy's bag.


----------



## Slime (Jul 3, 2022)

Everybody ................................. after me;

Whoa Black Betty


----------



## Voyager EMH (Jul 4, 2022)

O say can you see by the dawn's early light
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars, through the perilous fight
O'er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming?
And the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there
O say, does that star spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the Cherokee and the home of their braves?


----------



## jim8flog (Jul 4, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Jul 5, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Jul 5, 2022)




----------



## SatchFan (Jul 5, 2022)

These are good.


----------



## Voyager EMH (Jul 5, 2022)

Slime said:



			Everybody ................................. after me;

Whoa Black Betty 


View attachment 43299


Click to expand...

https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/275371538736?hash=item401d6c3930:g:tJUAAOSweQZit0DM


----------



## jim8flog (Jul 5, 2022)

Not sure if this the forum section but it made me smile

"Bicycle is the slow death of the planet."
A banker made the economists think this when he said:
“A cyclist is a disaster for the country’s economy: he doesn’t buy cars and doesn’t borrow money to buy. He don't pay insurance policies. Don't buy fuel, don't pay to have the car serviced, and no repairs needed. He doesn't use paid parking. Doesn't cause any major accidents. No need for multi-lane highways.
He is not getting obese.
Healthy people are not necessary or useful to the economy. They are not buying the medicine. They dont go to hospitals or doctors.
They add nothing to the country's GDP.
"On the contrary, each new McDonald’s store creates at least 30 jobs—actually 10 cardiologists, 10 dentists, 10 dietitians and nutritionists—obviously as well as the people who work in the store itself."
Choose wisely: a bike or a McDonald's? It's something to think about.
~ Emeric Sillo
PS: walking is even worse. Pedestrians don't even buy a bicycle!
*Posted by Jessica Maria Dwyer on Linkedin


----------



## Voyager EMH (Jul 5, 2022)

99.9% of all your life's problems are caused by other people.
Try to have as little to do with them as possible.


----------



## Imurg (Jul 5, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jul 5, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jul 5, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jul 5, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Jul 5, 2022)

Soundbite of the day… ‘Forecasting is as accurate as necromancy’…


----------



## spongebob59 (Jul 7, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jul 7, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jul 7, 2022)




----------



## Voyager EMH (Jul 7, 2022)

"I forgot" that I am not allowed to make jokes about the events of the day; and for that I sincerely apologise.


----------



## Slime (Jul 7, 2022)

Voyager EMH said:



			"I forgot" that I am not allowed to make jokes about the events of the day; and for that I sincerely apologise.
		
Click to expand...

I'll try my luck! Shhhhhhh.

I'm going Rick Astley for Prime Minister!

He will NEVER;

Give you up
Let You Down
Run Around
Desert You
Make You Cry
Say Goodbye
Tell A Lie
or
Hurt You.

Go Rick.


----------



## jim8flog (Jul 7, 2022)




----------



## chellie (Jul 7, 2022)

The tweet from KFC UK - cant post it on here though lol


----------



## Mudball (Jul 8, 2022)

chellie said:



			The tweet from KFC UK - cant post it on here though lol
		
Click to expand...

Had to google it... what a good one.  It is a shame, these things are considered no-go now...
Hopefully, this one is less controversial 


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1545077380527673344


----------



## Fade and Die (Jul 8, 2022)

Mudball said:



			Had to google it... what a good one.  It is a shame, these things are considered no-go now...
Hopefully, this one is less controversial


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1545077380527673344

Click to expand...

Ahh yes Hugh Grant……..




The guy who chose a hooker over Elizabeth Hurley. 

Great judgment. 🤡


----------



## Mudball (Jul 8, 2022)

Fade and Die said:



			Ahh yes Hugh Grant……..



The guy who chose a hooker over Elizabeth Hurley.

Great judgment. 🤡
		
Click to expand...

I once dated a hooker...... she is now a slicer..      so said Mr Bobbit...


----------



## Mudball (Jul 8, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jul 8, 2022)

This is the biggest joke in a long time;


https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/62081675


----------



## Skypilot (Jul 8, 2022)

Yup, really disgraceful.


----------



## Mudball (Jul 9, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jul 9, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jul 9, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Jul 9, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Jul 9, 2022)




----------



## Fade and Die (Jul 10, 2022)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Jul 10, 2022)

Someone has torn the pages out of the front and back of my dictionary.

It just goes from bad to worse.


----------



## Maninblack4612 (Jul 10, 2022)

I was having intemacy issues & found a book in a second hand shop called "How to hug". When I got it home I realised that I'd bought a volume of Encyclopedia Britannica.


----------



## CliveW (Jul 11, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Jul 11, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jul 11, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jul 11, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Jul 11, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jul 11, 2022)

Mrs d says I am on this group every 20 secs and she can't stand it anymore! We argued and she's told me to choose between her and the group.... So I am going to be 'offline' for a couple of minutes while I pack her bags and call her an Uber.


----------



## Mudball (Jul 12, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jul 12, 2022)




----------



## ExRabbit (Jul 13, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Jul 13, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Jul 13, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jul 14, 2022)




----------



## Smiffy (Jul 14, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jul 14, 2022)




----------



## spongebob59 (Jul 14, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Jul 15, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jul 15, 2022)




----------



## BridgfordBlue (Jul 16, 2022)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1547538755002814464


----------



## Mudball (Jul 17, 2022)

Finally got fitted for the right golf ball.. it comes pre-marked


----------



## bobmac (Jul 18, 2022)

Be very thankful it’s not snowing…Imagine shovelling snow in this heat…


----------



## SwingsitlikeHogan (Jul 18, 2022)

Currently showing on Film4…_White Christmas_…


----------



## AmandaJR (Jul 18, 2022)

SwingsitlikeHogan said:



			Currently showing on Film4…_White Christmas_…

Click to expand...

One of the first films to feature global warming


----------



## Rooter (Jul 18, 2022)

As the weather is so hot I asked the Hermes delivery driver if he'd like a bottle of cold water. When he said yes I dropkicked it over a fence into my neighbour's rose bush and told him I'd left it in a designated safe space.


----------



## Slime (Jul 18, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jul 18, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jul 18, 2022)




----------



## AmandaJR (Jul 18, 2022)

Slime said:



View attachment 43526

Click to expand...

Just checked and it's up to second


----------



## Slime (Jul 18, 2022)




----------



## Doon frae Troon (Jul 19, 2022)

Guy jumps in his car to drive 10 miles to the gym to run three miles on a treadmill.
[my neighbour  ]


----------



## Rooter (Jul 19, 2022)

Doon frae Troon said:



			Guy jumps in his car to drive 10 miles to the gym to run three miles on a treadmill.
[my neighbour  ]
		
Click to expand...

Today, i would say thats quite sensible! Aircon in the car, aircon in the gym... not very 'green' but sensible if we needed a run that much!


----------



## Slime (Jul 19, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jul 19, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jul 19, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Jul 19, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Jul 20, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jul 21, 2022)




----------



## CliveW (Jul 21, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jul 21, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jul 21, 2022)

Caught it a touch heavy


----------



## Pants (Jul 22, 2022)

My friend told me she would never eat beef tongue because it came out of a cow’s mouth.  So I gave her an egg.


----------



## Dando (Jul 22, 2022)

The last gathering this person ever organized


----------



## Slime (Jul 22, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Jul 23, 2022)




----------



## Carlwm (Jul 23, 2022)

Slime said:



View attachment 43587

Click to expand...

Freaky!


----------



## Dando (Jul 23, 2022)

Mudball said:



View attachment 43588

Click to expand...

Pervert


----------



## Slime (Jul 23, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jul 23, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jul 24, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jul 24, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jul 24, 2022)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Jul 24, 2022)

What do you call a girl with no arms on a swing?

Sarah.



Knock knock.

Who's there?

Well it's not Sarah.


----------



## ColchesterFC (Jul 24, 2022)

Why do Elephants paint their testicles red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.



What's the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries.


----------



## ColchesterFC (Jul 24, 2022)

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?



Look for the fresh prints.


----------



## Smiffy (Jul 25, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Jul 25, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Jul 25, 2022)

The latest video on the queues at Dover by The Exploding Heads is funny.. 

obviously cant post the link.


----------



## Dando (Jul 26, 2022)

Haha😂

I phoned Heart FM today, to enter their mystery prize competition.
The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations”  on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our Mystery Grand Star Prize"..
"That Fantastic!" I called out in delight.
"Feel Confident?" The presenter asked,
 "It's a Geography Question."
"Well, I've got a degree in Geography from Oxford University," I proudly replied, "and I've taught Geography to A level students for the last 20 years"
"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 VIP tickets to a Manchester United game and to meet the players after the game, what is the capital of France?"
"Bradford", I replied.


----------



## Doon frae Troon (Jul 26, 2022)

Dando said:



			Haha😂

I phoned Heart FM today, to enter their mystery prize competition.
The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations”  on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our Mystery Grand Star Prize"..
"That Fantastic!" I called out in delight.
"Feel Confident?" The presenter asked,
"It's a Geography Question."
"Well, I've got a degree in Geography from Oxford University," I proudly replied, "and I've taught Geography to A level students for the last 20 years"
"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 VIP tickets to a Manchester United game and to meet the players after the game, what is the capital of France?"
"Bradford", I replied.
		
Click to expand...

 Second prize was 4 VIP tickets.


----------



## Dando (Jul 26, 2022)

During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.

I described a typical day: “Yesterday afternoon, I took a five-hour walk about seven miles along some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles.”

I continued, “I got sand in my shoes and in my eyes. I almost stepped on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills, and I even took a few ‘leaks’ behind some trees. The mental stress of it all left me so shattered, I drank eight beers when I was finished.”

Inspired by the story, the doctor exclaimed, “You must be one hell of an outdoorsman!”

“No,” I replied, “I’m just a bad golfer.”


----------



## Pants (Jul 26, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Jul 27, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Jul 27, 2022)

Dando said:



			Haha😂

I phoned Heart FM today, to enter their mystery prize competition.
The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations”  on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our Mystery Grand Star Prize"..
"That Fantastic!" I called out in delight.
"Feel Confident?" The presenter asked,
"It's a Geography Question."
"Well, I've got a degree in Geography from Oxford University," I proudly replied, "and I've taught Geography to A level students for the last 20 years"
"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 VIP tickets to a Manchester United game and to meet the players after the game, what is the capital of France?"
"Bradford", I replied.
		
Click to expand...


and was the reply

" Close enough . What is your address"


----------



## srixon 1 (Jul 28, 2022)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1550522359395778560


----------



## CliveW (Jul 28, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jul 28, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jul 28, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jul 28, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Jul 28, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jul 29, 2022)




----------



## JamesR (Jul 29, 2022)

Met a girl in the pub who said she’d show me a good time.
Went outside & ran 100 metres in 10.49


----------



## Pants (Jul 29, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Jul 29, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Jul 30, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Jul 30, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jul 30, 2022)




----------



## bobmac (Jul 31, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Jul 31, 2022)

The 2022/2023 Man Utd team photo has been released


----------



## Dando (Aug 1, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 1, 2022)

Last night my wife sat down and watched the football.
So I sneaked off and did the ironing.



That'll teach her!


----------



## Slime (Aug 1, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 1, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Aug 1, 2022)




----------



## rosecott (Aug 1, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 1, 2022)

Imurg said:



View attachment 43671

Click to expand...

It looks like Tashy needs a new coat.


----------



## DaveR (Aug 2, 2022)

ExRabbit said:



			Another sad post!
		
Click to expand...

It's called humour in a non woke society.


----------



## backwoodsman (Aug 2, 2022)

DaveR said:



			It's called humour in a non woke society.
		
Click to expand...

Yep - in the eyes of some. And therein lies the root of the matter ...


----------



## Slime (Aug 2, 2022)




----------



## Foxholer (Aug 2, 2022)

Imurg said:



View attachment 43644

Click to expand...

Many many years ago, we saw signs like this on  farm fence....


----------



## jim8flog (Aug 2, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 2, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Aug 2, 2022)




----------



## Maninblack4612 (Aug 3, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Aug 4, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Aug 4, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Aug 4, 2022)

When you sign players from wish.com


----------



## jim8flog (Aug 4, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 4, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 4, 2022)

Taxi passenger leans forward, taps the driver on the shoulder and says "you can drop me off here". 
The driver nearly poos himself, swerves across the road, and stops inches from a shop window. 
The passenger exclaims "WTF, you really are jumpy, what is up with you?" . 
Driver replies "It is my first day on the taxis, the previous twenty years I was driving a hearse!"


----------



## Slime (Aug 4, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 4, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 4, 2022)




----------



## Doon frae Troon (Aug 5, 2022)

Duncan Murray to appear at The Fringe.

What's on Scotland: Andy and Jamie's other brother set for Edinburgh Fringe show with Judy Murray | STV News


----------



## Slime (Aug 5, 2022)




----------



## Orikoru (Aug 5, 2022)

Dando said:



			When you sign players from wish.com 
	View attachment 43701

Click to expand...

Not gonna lie, I thought that was Pele. Neymar is the best of the rest but the others are all terrible.


----------



## jim8flog (Aug 5, 2022)




----------



## bobmac (Aug 5, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Aug 5, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 5, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 5, 2022)

A woman's dog came in heat and she was concerned about keeping it and the male separated. But she had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds.
She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.





"Just worked for me." he replied.


----------



## Slime (Aug 5, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 5, 2022)

*DOG FOR SALE!*

A man sees a sign saying 'Talking Dog for Sale'.
Intrigued, he rings the door bell and the owner appears and says the dog is in the back garden.
The man sees a gorgeous Springer Spaniel and says to the dog, "Do you really talk?"
"Yes" says the dog, in perfect English.
After reeling from shock, the mans says "Please, tell me your story".
"Well, I realised I could talk when I was just a puppy so I was soon sold to the SAS. They immediately
were sending me all over the world where I would sit in with spies and world leaders because they never had a clue that i was eavesdropping the whole time.
I was one of their most valuable spies for over eight years"
"Eventually I was getting tired and older so I decided to settle down and lead a less stressful life.
I got a job at Heathrow Airport doing undercover security work. The amount of drug deals I thwarted was ridiculous and I ended up receiving many awards."
" I eventually settled down and got married, even having several puppies of my own, and have now fully retired"
The man, totally amazed, goes back into the house and asks how much the owner wants for the dog.
"Ten quid should do it" the owner says.
"TEN QUID! But your dog is amazing! Why are you selling it so cheaply?"



"Because he's a bloody liar, he's never even been out of the garden!"


----------



## Slime (Aug 6, 2022)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Aug 7, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Aug 7, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 7, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Aug 8, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Aug 8, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 8, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 8, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 8, 2022)




----------



## sunshine (Aug 9, 2022)

SwingsitlikeHogan said:



			Its an advert for balls.
		
Click to expand...

Thanks for confirming. Are you sure?


----------



## SwingsitlikeHogan (Aug 9, 2022)

sunshine said:



			Thanks for confirming. Are you sure?
		
Click to expand...

Quite sure.


----------



## Slime (Aug 9, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 9, 2022)




----------



## Swinglowandslow (Aug 9, 2022)

Slime said:



View attachment 43775

Click to expand...

Reminds me of the true story about a work colleague .
One day our boss was 'ticking on' and shaking his head.
We were on early shift and, seeing this , I asked him what was up?
He told me that Bill, who was habitually late, had come up with his latest excuse. Which was..
He was dreaming he was flying this plane and was trying to land, but the airport was foggy and so he had to do another circuit before he could land.
So he was late waking up, and thus was late!😳


----------



## jim8flog (Aug 9, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Aug 9, 2022)




----------



## Voyager EMH (Aug 9, 2022)

I spotted an albino dalmatian today.

Well, it was the least I could do for him.


----------



## Dando (Aug 9, 2022)

jim8flog said:



View attachment 43778

Click to expand...

 the fourth ape is googling stuff to put on the forum


----------



## Slime (Aug 9, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Aug 10, 2022)

I’ve got a few tattoos over my shoulder and back and when Mrs d is feeling sad I let her colour them in.

I give her a shoulder to crayon


----------



## jim8flog (Aug 10, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 10, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Aug 10, 2022)

Slime said:



View attachment 43808

Click to expand...

My caravan awning isn’t that big


----------



## Slime (Aug 10, 2022)

Dando said:



			My caravan awning isn’t that big
		
Click to expand...

But are your pants?


----------



## SwingsitlikeHogan (Aug 11, 2022)

I know it’s a generational thing, however…

My daughter and her b/f have last week moved house, only minutes from us and today she’s with us for lunch, and so she just asked me where my records are.  Why? I asked.  “Cos I need to measure one for some shelves we need for his records”.

Yes I know…🤣


----------



## clubchamp98 (Aug 11, 2022)

SwingsitlikeHogan said:



			I know it’s a generational thing, however…

My daughter and her b/f have last week moved house, only minutes from us and today she’s with us for lunch, and so she just asked me where my records are.  Why? I asked.  “Cos I need to measure one for some shelves we need for his records”.

Yes I know…🤣
		
Click to expand...

Singles or LPs?


----------



## Slime (Aug 11, 2022)




----------



## Smiffy (Aug 12, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Aug 12, 2022)




----------



## SwingsitlikeHogan (Aug 12, 2022)

clubchamp98 said:



			Singles or LPs?
		
Click to expand...

12” vinyl…🤔


----------



## jim8flog (Aug 12, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 13, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Aug 13, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Aug 13, 2022)




----------



## SatchFan (Aug 14, 2022)

And the award for Laziest Cat goes to....


----------



## Dando (Aug 14, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Aug 14, 2022)

Everyone knows about Alan Turing who cracked the Enigma codes. Very few people knows about his sister Kate, who provided drinks and snacks for his colleagues.


----------



## Dando (Aug 14, 2022)

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.


----------



## jim8flog (Aug 14, 2022)




----------



## srixon 1 (Aug 14, 2022)

SatchFan said:



			And the award for Laziest Cat goes to....

View attachment 43864

Click to expand...

Or the most intelligent 👍


----------



## Dando (Aug 15, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Aug 15, 2022)




----------



## JamesR (Aug 15, 2022)

Cream and The Jam never appeared at the same festival…they couldn’t decide what order to put them on!


----------



## Dando (Aug 16, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Aug 16, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 16, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 16, 2022)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1559553257957052416


----------



## Dando (Aug 16, 2022)

Slime said:



View attachment 43906

Click to expand...

he’s clearly got it the wrong way round


----------



## Mudball (Aug 16, 2022)

One for @Rooter ..


----------



## Dando (Aug 16, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Aug 17, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Aug 17, 2022)

Lockdown has brought about some new genre of comedians on twitter like Rosie Holt.  Today there was another cracker from Exploding Heads (https://twitter.com/Exploding_Heads) about sewage in our rivers ... you can follow them on twitter.   As usual some of the comments are funnier than the video.  Cant post link to video since it might be deemed political


----------



## Slime (Aug 17, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Aug 17, 2022)

Was this on Whatsapp.. so must be true..


----------



## Slime (Aug 17, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Aug 18, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 18, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 18, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Aug 18, 2022)

Slime said:



View attachment 43922

Click to expand...

thats his ball marker!


----------



## Slime (Aug 18, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Aug 18, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Aug 18, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Aug 19, 2022)

Terminator Liverpool edition …


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1560531580791267330


----------



## jim8flog (Aug 19, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 19, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 19, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 19, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 19, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 19, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 19, 2022)




----------



## Voyager EMH (Aug 19, 2022)

Slime said:



View attachment 43936

Click to expand...

I don't feel that's very funny.

Sorry, bad punctuation.

I don't feel.
That's very funny.


----------



## Slime (Aug 19, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Aug 20, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 20, 2022)




----------



## Smiffy (Aug 20, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 21, 2022)

Man United, and by that I mean the Glazers, in full panic mode.


----------



## Mudball (Aug 21, 2022)




----------



## Pin-seeker (Aug 21, 2022)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1561150736679018501


----------



## jim8flog (Aug 21, 2022)

Slime said:



View attachment 43936

Click to expand...


  I am having trouble reading that. It is smooth on my screen


----------



## jim8flog (Aug 21, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 21, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Aug 22, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 22, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 22, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Aug 23, 2022)

Posts 5.528 and  5.527
made me smile


----------



## Red devil (Aug 23, 2022)




----------



## Rooter (Aug 23, 2022)

I thought it was made up for laughs!! https://www.manchestereveningnews.c...r-news/man-who-stole-viagra-pharmacy-21537858


----------



## jim8flog (Aug 23, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 23, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Aug 23, 2022)

Vienna has just been voted the best place to live.
It means nothing to me


----------



## Slime (Aug 24, 2022)




----------



## AmandaJR (Aug 24, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 24, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Aug 24, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 24, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Aug 25, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 25, 2022)




----------



## Swinglowandslow (Aug 25, 2022)

These last posts..
Thanks for a laughing start to the day!


----------



## Doon frae Troon (Aug 25, 2022)

Basil and Herbet are deciding who puts first when they discover the are both playing with Srixon balls marked No 2
Scratching their heads they wonder what to do next.
Herbet says 'Ill tell you what I shall play the yellow one.


----------



## Mudball (Aug 25, 2022)

What goes on in Vegas should stay in Vegas...   



__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1562439968185671683


----------



## drdel (Aug 25, 2022)

Slime said:



View attachment 44004

Click to expand...

It looks choked.


----------



## Mudball (Aug 25, 2022)

One for the dog lovers... This is probably the funniest video you want to see and get for Christmas


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1562494918525800448


----------



## Slime (Aug 25, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Aug 25, 2022)

Saw this on a flat earthers Facebook page that I follow for the entertainment


----------



## Pants (Aug 25, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Aug 26, 2022)

Ofgem has a price cap….  What a laugh…


----------



## Dando (Aug 26, 2022)




----------



## Fade and Die (Aug 26, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 26, 2022)

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink.



I'm now in hospital waiting to be seen.


----------



## Pants (Aug 26, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Aug 26, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Aug 27, 2022)




----------



## IainP (Aug 27, 2022)

Just keep on tryin'


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1560240376929103872


----------



## SatchFan (Aug 27, 2022)

Proof that there is life on Mars.


----------



## Slime (Aug 27, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 27, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Aug 27, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Aug 27, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 28, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 28, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 28, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 28, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 28, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Aug 28, 2022)

A cheese factory in France has exploded

De Brie is everywhere


----------



## Imurg (Aug 28, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Aug 28, 2022)




----------



## Swinglowandslow (Aug 29, 2022)

These last ones are not suitable for late night viewing!

Got me into trouble- wife and dog upstairs asleep, and I laughed so much I woke them.😀


----------



## Slime (Aug 29, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 29, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 29, 2022)

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine and your brother named them for you.

Woman: No, No, No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Oh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?










Doctor: Denephew.


----------



## Dando (Aug 29, 2022)




----------



## Fade and Die (Aug 29, 2022)

I was reading that Masai Graham was voted the winner of the Funniest joke at the Edinburgh Fringe with his gag: "I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta."

...wished I had gone now 😐


----------



## Pants (Aug 29, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Aug 29, 2022)




----------



## bobmac (Aug 30, 2022)




----------



## Crow (Aug 30, 2022)

You're going to have to explain that one Bob.


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Aug 30, 2022)

So, my carer decided to varnish one of the new upstairs doors, while I did dinner.
I suggested she put cling film on the handles to stop them getting messed up………. This is what she did 
🙄😂😂🙄


----------



## Neilds (Aug 30, 2022)

Crow said:



			You're going to have to explain that one Bob.
		
Click to expand...

Glad you asked as I am also confused 😄


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Aug 30, 2022)

I think his score has been redacted


----------



## Dando (Aug 30, 2022)




----------



## Smiffy (Aug 31, 2022)




----------



## bobmac (Aug 31, 2022)

PhilTheFragger said:



			I think his score has been redacted
		
Click to expand...

Not just a pretty face


----------



## Slime (Aug 31, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Aug 31, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Aug 31, 2022)

Crow said:



			You're going to have to explain that one Bob.
		
Click to expand...

   Tee colours ???


----------



## Mudball (Aug 31, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 1, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Sep 1, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 1, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 1, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 1, 2022)




----------



## Doon frae Troon (Sep 1, 2022)

bobmac said:



			Not just a pretty face  

Click to expand...

Or the printer messed up with the red and yellow column


----------



## Slime (Sep 3, 2022)




----------



## spongebob59 (Sep 3, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 3, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Sep 3, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 3, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 3, 2022)

Letter to wife.





Reply from wife.


----------



## bobmac (Sep 4, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 4, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 4, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 4, 2022)

The only thing the Flat Earthers have to fear is sphere itself...


----------



## Slime (Sep 4, 2022)

Captain's Log;


----------



## Slime (Sep 4, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Sep 4, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Sep 5, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Sep 5, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 5, 2022)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1566447851411996673


----------



## jim8flog (Sep 6, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Sep 6, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 6, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 6, 2022)

2022Women's World Cup Qualifying - Group D

                       Latvia 1  vs  3 Northern Ireland

Rocane (27' minutes)------------- FT 1-3 ------------Vaivode (36' minutes *og*),   Vaivode (90'+5 minutes *og*),   Lubina (88' minutes *og*)


----------



## Dando (Sep 6, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 6, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 6, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 7, 2022)

Don't worry if your parachute fails......


You have the rest of your life to finds solution!


----------



## jim8flog (Sep 7, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Sep 7, 2022)




----------



## spongebob59 (Sep 7, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Sep 7, 2022)

spongebob59 said:



View attachment 44230
[/QUOTE

That carpet is far too clean for Wetherspoons
		
Click to expand...


----------



## Slime (Sep 7, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Sep 8, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 8, 2022)




----------



## williamalex1 (Sep 8, 2022)

True lol


----------



## jim8flog (Sep 9, 2022)

probably been posted before but all good jokes should go round again


----------



## Doon frae Troon (Sep 9, 2022)

williamalex1 said:



			True lol
		
Click to expand...

I tend to get that whenever I fill up the car with petrol.


----------



## Mudball (Sep 10, 2022)

Interesting old video 
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?st...HUpGgAwy2Khl&id=100011333732837&fs=e&s=TIeQ9V


----------



## Slime (Sep 10, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 10, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 10, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 10, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 10, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Sep 10, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Sep 10, 2022)

There must be a better way to blow up a balloon


----------



## Pants (Sep 10, 2022)

Germaine Greer never got as angry as her sister Anne.


----------



## Imurg (Sep 11, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Sep 11, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Sep 11, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Sep 12, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 12, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Sep 12, 2022)




----------



## SatchFan (Sep 13, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 13, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Sep 13, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Sep 14, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Sep 14, 2022)

OMG.. whoever did this.. pure genius and evil in equal measure....   turn up the sound.. 


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1569310683140964358


----------



## Pants (Sep 15, 2022)




----------



## Smiffy (Sep 15, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 15, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 15, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 15, 2022)

*I firmly believe every kitchen in the land has THAT drawer!*


----------



## Orikoru (Sep 15, 2022)

Slime said:



*I firmly believe every kitchen in the land has THAT drawer!*

Click to expand...

We used to, until my wife had the bright idea of putting it in baskets instead - now instead of one drawer it's three baskets taking up one entire cupboard.


----------



## Rooter (Sep 15, 2022)

Aspirational evening numberplate


----------



## Dando (Sep 15, 2022)

Rooter said:



			Aspirational evening numberplate


View attachment 44340

Click to expand...

Sounds like a great night


----------



## Mudball (Sep 15, 2022)

Rooter said:



			Aspirational evening numberplate


View attachment 44340

Click to expand...

Assume KFC big bucket with only Thighs & Brest then


----------



## Imurg (Sep 15, 2022)

No  Sherlock...


----------



## Pin-seeker (Sep 15, 2022)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1570248343183593472


----------



## Pants (Sep 15, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Sep 15, 2022)

Pants said:








Click to expand...

still better than Ed sheeran


----------



## Pants (Sep 15, 2022)

Dando said:



			still better than Ed sheeran
		
Click to expand...

Who ???


----------



## Doon frae Troon (Sep 16, 2022)

Orikoru said:



			We used to, until my wife had the bright idea of putting it in baskets instead - now instead of one drawer it's three baskets taking up one entire cupboard. 

Click to expand...

We solved the problem by renaming the man's drawer as the woman's drawer.
I can't find a thing now, wheras she knows where everything is.


----------



## Imurg (Sep 16, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 16, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 16, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 16, 2022)




----------



## Baldy Bouncer (Sep 17, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 17, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 17, 2022)




----------



## pompeybandit (Sep 18, 2022)

View attachment 44373
View attachment 44373
View attachment 44373


----------



## pompeybandit (Sep 18, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Sep 18, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Sep 18, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 18, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Sep 18, 2022)




----------



## Smiffy (Sep 19, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Sep 19, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 19, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 19, 2022)




----------



## Smiffy (Sep 19, 2022)

Just bought some bargain new socks, fifty pairs for £30.00. Cushty...


----------



## larmen (Sep 19, 2022)

I 



Slime said:



View attachment 44395

Click to expand...

I would, but I can’t seem to find the right stamps at the moment.


----------



## Imurg (Sep 19, 2022)

Too soon..?


----------



## Slime (Sep 19, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 19, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 19, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 19, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 19, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Sep 19, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Sep 19, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 20, 2022)

Paddy and his wife lying in bed one night and the neighbour's dogs was barking like mad in the garden. 
Paddy says, "Sod this", and storms off downstairs.
Five minutes later he comes back and his wife says, "What did you do, Paddy?" 
Paddy says, ................................................. "I've put the little bugger in our garden, lets see how they like it!"


----------



## Mudball (Sep 20, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Sep 20, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Sep 20, 2022)




----------



## Pin-seeker (Sep 20, 2022)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1572185336188633088


----------



## spongebob59 (Sep 20, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Sep 20, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 20, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Sep 20, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 21, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Sep 21, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Sep 21, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 21, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Sep 21, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Sep 21, 2022)




----------



## spongebob59 (Sep 21, 2022)




----------



## Smiffy (Sep 22, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 22, 2022)




----------



## Rooter (Sep 22, 2022)

Pip Scofield is a big supporter of the LGBT+ community. Not Q though, he hates Q's.


----------



## Lord Tyrion (Sep 22, 2022)

Rooter said:



			Pip Scofield is a big supporter of the LGBT+ community. Not Q though, he hates Q's.
		
Click to expand...

I've borrowed this and sent it around a few whatsapp groups. It did make me chuckle


----------



## Slime (Sep 22, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 22, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Sep 22, 2022)




----------



## CliveW (Sep 22, 2022)

Although no longer politically correct, Blazing Saddles is on BBC Four. I'm laughing my socks off! 🤣


----------



## Imurg (Sep 23, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Sep 23, 2022)

CliveW said:



			Although no longer politically correct, Blazing Saddles is on BBC Four. I'm laughing my socks off! 🤣
		
Click to expand...

 I was going to watch it but I was trying to hold it in last night


----------



## Dando (Sep 23, 2022)

I'm tried of Dyslexia Jokes.


----------



## jim8flog (Sep 24, 2022)




----------



## Norrin Radd (Sep 24, 2022)

CliveW said:



			Although no longer politically correct, Blazing Saddles is on BBC Four. I'm laughing my socks off! 🤣
		
Click to expand...

My second most favourite film of all time ,,snatch is first


----------



## Slime (Sep 24, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 24, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Sep 25, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Sep 25, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Sep 26, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 26, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 26, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Sep 26, 2022)




----------



## Crow (Sep 26, 2022)

Fade and Die said:



			And this is funny how? Or are you just trying to get another thread locked?
		
Click to expand...

Maybe he's just wealthy and so explaining to the rest of us how stupid we are.


----------



## Mudball (Sep 26, 2022)

Crow said:



			Maybe he's just wealthy and so explaining to the rest of us how stupid we are.
		
Click to expand...

Finally someone who understands me..


----------



## Mudball (Sep 26, 2022)

*BREAKING*: US singer 50 Cent announces that he now wishes to be known in the UK as 1 Pound.


----------



## Slime (Sep 26, 2022)




----------



## Voyager EMH (Sep 27, 2022)

Mudball said:



			In defence of the tax cut.. via WhatsApp Univ ..

The Tax System Explained in Beer for even the thickest lefty snowflake
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer, and the bill for all ten comes to £100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes (by taxpayer decile), it would go something like this:
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay £1.
The sixth would pay £3.
The seventh would pay £7.
The eighth would pay £12.
The ninth would pay £18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay £59.
So, that’s what they decided to do.
The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball. “Since you’re all such good customers,” he said, “I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by £20.” Drinks for the ten men would now cost just £80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six? How could they divide up the £20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?
The bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to suggest the new lower amounts each should now pay.
And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (a 100% saving).
The sixth now paid £2 instead of £3 (a 33% saving).
The seventh now paid £5 instead of £7 (a 29% saving).
The eighth now paid £9 instead of £12 (a 25% saving).
The ninth now paid £14 instead of £18 (a 22% saving).
The tenth now paid £50 instead of £59 (a 15% saving).
The first four continued to drink for free, and the latter six were all better off than before. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.
“I only got a pound out of the £20 saving,” declared the fifth man. He pointed to the tenth man, “But he got £9!”
“Yeah, that’s right,” exclaimed the sixth man. “I only saved a pound, too. It’s unfair that he saved nine times more than me!”
“That’s true!” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get £9 back, when I got only £2? The wealthy get all the breaks!”
“Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison, “we didn’t get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!”
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next day, the tenth man didn’t show up, so the other nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important: They didn’t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that is how our tax system works. The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is friendlier.
		
Click to expand...

The four poorest men worked at the brewery where the beer was made and were on minimum wage.
The richest man owned the brewery and paid himself a salary of £400,000 a year with £50,000 share dividend.
After being beaten up, he sold the brewery to a multinational for £25,000,000.
He never really gave a monkey's about the tax system, because he was non-dom.


----------



## Voyager EMH (Sep 27, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Sep 27, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 27, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 27, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Sep 28, 2022)

Savagery level - Expert.


----------



## jim8flog (Sep 28, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Sep 28, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Sep 28, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 29, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Sep 29, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Sep 29, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Sep 29, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 29, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 30, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 30, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Sep 30, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Sep 30, 2022)

If you love cricket and football.. then gotta hear this one >>  brilliant

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1575815813151731712


----------



## spongebob59 (Sep 30, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Oct 1, 2022)

Just made a vegan cheesecake


----------



## Dando (Oct 1, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 1, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 1, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 1, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 1, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Oct 1, 2022)

My church serves noodles at communion. 
We’re Ramen Catholics


----------



## Dando (Oct 1, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 1, 2022)

I had a terrible day with my chainsaw today, I managed to slice three fingers off my right hand!
I said to the doctor "Will I still be able to write with it?"
He said "Probably .......................... but I wouldn't count on it!"


----------



## Slime (Oct 1, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Oct 2, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Oct 2, 2022)

Imurg said:



View attachment 44630

Click to expand...

Bloody lady drivers


----------



## Imurg (Oct 2, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Oct 2, 2022)

Imurg said:



View attachment 44631

Click to expand...

Mine would find us


----------



## Pants (Oct 2, 2022)

Laws of Golf
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.


----------



## Imurg (Oct 2, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Oct 2, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Oct 3, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Oct 3, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 3, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 3, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 3, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 3, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Oct 4, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Oct 4, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Oct 4, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Oct 4, 2022)

After a particularly poor round, a golfer spotted a lake as he walked despondently up the 18th.
He looked at his caddie and said, "I've played so badly all day, I think I'm going to drown myself in that lake."
The caddie, quick as a flash, replied, "I’m not sure you could keep your head down that long."


----------



## Dando (Oct 4, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 4, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 4, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 4, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 4, 2022)

Waiter : "How do you like your steak, sir?"

Me : "Like winning an argument with my wife."

Waiter : "Rare it is, then."


----------



## Slime (Oct 4, 2022)

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.
"Bollocks", he says, with anger and sadness in his eyes, "the word was celebrate!"


----------



## jim8flog (Oct 6, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 6, 2022)

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried towards the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."
The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah."
Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped:



"They won't let me in without a bleedin' tie!”


----------



## Slime (Oct 6, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 6, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Oct 7, 2022)

It’s disgusting that people are letting off fireworks so early.
My dog is so scared, he’s hiding under the Xmas tree


----------



## Dando (Oct 7, 2022)




----------



## Blue in Munich (Oct 7, 2022)

For Slime…


----------



## Slime (Oct 8, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 8, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Oct 9, 2022)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1579031408299106305


----------



## Slime (Oct 9, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 9, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 9, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 9, 2022)

This could be a younger me!


----------



## Dando (Oct 10, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Oct 10, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 10, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 10, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Oct 10, 2022)

Trying to save electricity, I wired together the electric blanket and the toaster.  Now I keep popping out of bed.


----------



## Pants (Oct 10, 2022)

Goliath's funeral was a giant undertaking. 

Spotted Michel J Fox at the garden centre today.  He had his back to the fuchsia.

 I met a Chinese drug addict. He said: “Have you seen my cocaine?” I said: “Not since he starred in Zulu.” 

I've bought some state-of-the-art garden shears. They're the latest in cutting hedge technology.


----------



## Slime (Oct 12, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 12, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 12, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 12, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 12, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 12, 2022)

...................... and be honest, please.


----------



## rosecott (Oct 12, 2022)

Took me ages - several minutes.


----------



## jim8flog (Oct 12, 2022)

Slime said:



View attachment 44795


...................... and be honest, please.
		
Click to expand...

About 30 seconds to a minute but it took a lot of staring at


----------



## Dando (Oct 12, 2022)

Slime said:



View attachment 44795


...................... and be honest, please.
		
Click to expand...

I was looking for a dog taking a dump in the back ground


----------



## Voyager EMH (Oct 12, 2022)

Slime said:



View attachment 44795


...................... and be honest, please.
		
Click to expand...

Took me just over 30 seconds. Showed it to Mrs V and she gave up.
Told her what it was and she explained to me that all women have practiced this technique in some way at some point.


----------



## AmandaJR (Oct 12, 2022)

Voyager EMH said:



			Took me just over 30 seconds. Showed it to Mrs V and she gave up.
Told her what it was and she explained to me that all women have practiced this technique in some way at some point.
		
Click to expand...

Tis true - at pretty much all public conveniences!!


----------



## clubchamp98 (Oct 12, 2022)

Jeez I thought it was Barney the dinosaur behind the bush !


----------



## backwoodsman (Oct 12, 2022)

Slime said:



View attachment 44795


...................... and be honest, please.
		
Click to expand...

Not timed, but also about 30 seconds


----------



## Slime (Oct 13, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Oct 13, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Oct 14, 2022)

When you have young children


----------



## Slime (Oct 14, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Oct 15, 2022)

I knew it!!!


----------



## Slime (Oct 15, 2022)

One for Tashy?


----------



## Slime (Oct 15, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 15, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 16, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 16, 2022)

http://imgur.com/jGAGSYL


----------



## RichA (Oct 17, 2022)

Shamelessly lifted from Dad Jokes on Twitter...

Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.


----------



## Slime (Oct 18, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Oct 18, 2022)

Took me a moment ...

"Finally tracked down that old hatchet with the handle made from the linden tree." 

"Antique lime axe?" 

"Yeah, it was a bit disappointing.”


----------



## Slime (Oct 18, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Oct 19, 2022)




----------



## bobmac (Oct 19, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Oct 19, 2022)

Went to the pet shop to buy some breeding birds. 

They asked, "Have you got a store card?" 

I said, "No, but I did get a budgie excited once."


----------



## Pants (Oct 19, 2022)

My mate Dave drowned, so for the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. It's what he would have wanted.


----------



## spongebob59 (Oct 20, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Oct 20, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 20, 2022)

spongebob59 said:



View attachment 44896

Click to expand...

Oh dear.
*Till *Christmas ........................ really?
It should be *'til* Christmas, surely.


----------



## jim8flog (Oct 21, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Oct 21, 2022)




----------



## JollyRedDevil (Oct 21, 2022)

New pm


----------



## JollyRedDevil (Oct 21, 2022)

New Villa manager


----------



## Slime (Oct 21, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 21, 2022)




----------



## yandabrown (Oct 21, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 22, 2022)

A guy gets talking to a girl in a club and they get on well, so they end up at his flat.
The girl's attention is drawn to a massive gong the guy has in the corner of his room. He says 'It's my timepiece. That gong lets me know what time it is. Any time of the day.'
The girl has no idea what he's on about so he grabs the striker and there's an almighty

BONNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!

Suddenly through the wall from next door's flat comes,

'FOR GOD'S SAKE NOT AGAIN! 
IT'S QUARTER TO FOUR IN THE BLOODY MORNING!!!'


----------



## Slime (Oct 22, 2022)

Yeah, this will turn bad if Chelsea get all three points this evening.


----------



## Slime (Oct 22, 2022)




----------



## HampshireHog (Oct 23, 2022)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1583882837253836801


----------



## Slime (Oct 23, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Oct 26, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 26, 2022)

http://imgur.com/HkkABOS


----------



## Slime (Oct 26, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Oct 27, 2022)

my old schoolteacher said I'd never be good at poetry due to my dyslexia.

so far I've made 3 vases and a cup, so up yours Mr Johnson


----------



## AmandaJR (Oct 27, 2022)

Dando said:



			my old schoolteacher said I'd never be good at poetry due to my dyslexia.

so far I've made 3 vases and a cup, so up yours Mr Johnson
		
Click to expand...

Took me a while


----------



## Slime (Oct 27, 2022)

Everyone seems to be telling apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow...


----------



## Slime (Oct 27, 2022)




----------



## SwingsitlikeHogan (Oct 28, 2022)

For followers of Love Island 2022…so pleased to hear that this years female winner, L’Eakin Sue, is branching out from daytime TV.


----------



## Pin-seeker (Oct 28, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Oct 28, 2022)

Slime said:





http://imgur.com/HkkABOS



Click to expand...

 That reminds me of a time when I used to drive a transit.

Happily driving down one of our local flooded roads knowing that I was perfectly ok due to the vehicles height when around one bend came a lady driving a Renault 5. My bow wave went straight over the top of her bonnet. I just could not believe some with with such a low car would be driving down that road.


----------



## jim8flog (Oct 28, 2022)




----------



## Doon frae Troon (Oct 28, 2022)

Dando said:



			my old schoolteacher said I'd never be good at poetry due to my dyslexia.

so far I've made 3 vases and a cup, so up yours Mr Johnson
		
Click to expand...

Perhaps you are a poet and you don't know it.


----------



## Slime (Oct 28, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 28, 2022)




----------



## IainP (Oct 28, 2022)

Especially for the guys from the "EDM" thread 🙂


----------



## Blue in Munich (Oct 28, 2022)

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-63423811

You couldn't make it up...


----------



## Pants (Oct 28, 2022)

Blue in Munich said:



https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-63423811

You couldn't make it up... 

Click to expand...

This prompted me to look again at my genuine Leonardo that I bought several years ago from the Trotter family for £25.  Uncle Albert personally vouched for it's authenticity.


----------



## Imurg (Oct 29, 2022)




----------



## backwoodsman (Oct 29, 2022)

Blue in Munich said:



https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-63423811

You couldn't make it up... 

Click to expand...

Not the first time this has happened tho' ...


----------



## Leftie (Oct 29, 2022)

Pants said:



			This prompted me to look again at my genuine Leonardo that I bought several years ago from the Trotter family for £25.  Uncle Albert personally vouched for it's authenticity. 

View attachment 44973

Click to expand...

Oh.  Very clever mate.  Took me a while


----------



## rulefan (Oct 29, 2022)

Leftie said:



			Oh.  Took me a while 

Click to expand...

Really?? and with your name.


----------



## Blue in Munich (Oct 29, 2022)

rulefan said:



			Really?? and with your name.
		
Click to expand...


----------



## Slime (Oct 29, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 29, 2022)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Oct 29, 2022)




----------



## Voyager EMH (Oct 29, 2022)

Leeds fan, maybe


----------



## Slime (Oct 29, 2022)

A man starts a new job at the zoo and is given three tasks to start with.
First is to clear the exotic fish pond of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who is boss he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, since lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.
What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them in with the lions.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, "What's the food like here?" The old lion says 



"Absolutely brilliant ......................................... today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."


----------



## sunshine (Oct 30, 2022)

Slime said:



View attachment 44956

Click to expand...

Based on the posts on this forum, I don’t expect half the readers to get this 😂


----------



## NearHull (Oct 30, 2022)

sunshine said:



			Based on the posts on this forum, I don’t expect half the readers to get this 😂
		
Click to expand...

Theirs no weigh that there going too


----------



## Blue in Munich (Oct 30, 2022)

sunshine said:



			Based on the posts on this forum, I don’t expect half the readers to get this 😂
		
Click to expand...

Surprised you went that high.


----------



## jim8flog (Oct 30, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Oct 30, 2022)

NearHull said:



			Theirs no weigh that there going too
		
Click to expand...

still hungover?

My typing gets like that at certain times of the day.


----------



## jim8flog (Oct 30, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 30, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 31, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 31, 2022)




----------



## GreiginFife (Oct 31, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 31, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Oct 31, 2022)




----------



## Blue in Munich (Oct 31, 2022)




----------



## Blue in Munich (Oct 31, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Nov 1, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Nov 1, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Nov 1, 2022)

After 300,000 years of continuing human progress we have finally reached this point:


----------



## AmandaJR (Nov 1, 2022)




----------



## GreiginFife (Nov 1, 2022)




----------



## Tashyboy (Nov 1, 2022)

Layla Tash was sat on me knee last week whilst I was perusing the net on me IPad. She asked me to show her a picture of a Uvula. 😳 sweet lord I thought she had said it wrong. I typed in Uvula and saw pictures of the dangly bit at the back of your throat. God I was relieved. I asked how does she know at 7 yr old what an Uvula is. “ saw it on a film “ she says.


----------



## Slime (Nov 3, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Nov 3, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Nov 3, 2022)




----------



## Italian outcast (Nov 3, 2022)

fuul stupid more like


----------



## rudebhoy (Nov 4, 2022)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1588439573520175110


----------



## Slime (Nov 4, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Nov 4, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Nov 4, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Nov 4, 2022)




----------



## Smiffy (Nov 5, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Nov 5, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Nov 5, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Nov 5, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Nov 6, 2022)




----------



## Asian Dawn (Nov 7, 2022)

I bought Adam Ant an ice cream yesterday.  He wanted standard vanilla.


----------



## Voyager EMH (Nov 7, 2022)

Asian Dawn said:



			I bought Adam Ant an ice cream yesterday.  He wanted standard vanilla.
		
Click to expand...

I have to admire your bottle at posting such a crap joke.
But hey - ridicule is nothing to be scared of.


----------



## Asian Dawn (Nov 7, 2022)

_I have to admire your bottle at posting such a crap joke. _

Don't you ever .... don't you ever


----------



## jim8flog (Nov 7, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Nov 7, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Nov 7, 2022)

I've just been invited to the Xmas party of the All England Heckling Society.




They have advised me to bring my own boos.


----------



## rosecott (Nov 7, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Nov 7, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Nov 8, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Nov 8, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Nov 8, 2022)

Here's a picture of my Christmas tree.




It's in the shed *BECAUSE IT'S STILL NOVEMBER !!!!!*


----------



## Slime (Nov 8, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Nov 8, 2022)




----------



## Ian_George (Nov 8, 2022)

Dando said:



View attachment 45080

Click to expand...

That's just an old fashioned love song best played on rainy days and Mondays!


----------



## bobmac (Nov 9, 2022)

Every year, 7.6 million husbands are left unattended in parking lots


----------



## Slime (Nov 9, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Nov 9, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Nov 9, 2022)




----------



## Larry long dog (Nov 9, 2022)

Bloke up the road from me collects birds of prey and is always vacuuming his house about midnight, the local kids call him Hawk Kestrel Man Hoovers in The Dark.


----------



## jim8flog (Nov 9, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Nov 9, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Nov 10, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Nov 10, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Nov 10, 2022)




----------



## NearHull (Nov 10, 2022)

jim8flog said:



View attachment 45092

Click to expand...

Took me a while


----------



## AmandaJR (Nov 11, 2022)

NearHull said:



			Took me a while
		
Click to expand...

Still is for me!


----------



## Orikoru (Nov 11, 2022)

AmandaJR said:



			Still is for me!
		
Click to expand...

Yeah, got no idea what I'm looking at there. Looks like a device to kill squirrels or something.


----------



## Blue in Munich (Nov 11, 2022)

AmandaJR said:



			Still is for me!
		
Click to expand...




Orikoru said:



			Yeah, got no idea what I'm looking at there. Looks like a device to kill squirrels or something.
		
Click to expand...

3 pin plugs have 3 wires; live, neutral and earth…

I’ll resist the temptation to make a comment about bright sparks. 😉 😁


----------



## clubchamp98 (Nov 11, 2022)

Blue in Munich said:



			3 pin plugs have 3 wires; live, neutral and earth…

I’ll resist the temptation to make a comment about bright sparks. 😉 😁
		
Click to expand...

Yes think that earth wire is a tad short, so the spark has improvised.


----------



## JamesR (Nov 11, 2022)

When I first saw that I thought it looked like a bag of Branflakes, which had me totally confused...after closer inspection it makes more sense


----------



## Blue in Munich (Nov 11, 2022)

JamesR said:



			When I first saw that I thought it looked like a bag of Branflakes, which had me totally confused...after closer inspection it makes more sense
		
Click to expand...

Yup, in fairness it’s not the most obvious and takes a bit of a closer look.


----------



## Dando (Nov 11, 2022)

i got stuck behind a car with the number plate G4NDALF and he wouldn't let me pass


----------



## clubchamp98 (Nov 11, 2022)

Blue in Munich said:



			Yup, in fairness it’s not the most obvious and takes a bit of a closer look.
		
Click to expand...

Showed it to my lad 35 yr old.
Blank ( don’t get it)
He’s never changed a plug in his life , so dosnt know what a earth wire is.
Is it a generation thing ?


----------



## jim8flog (Nov 11, 2022)

AmandaJR said:



			Still is for me!
		
Click to expand...




Orikoru said:



			Yeah, got no idea what I'm looking at there. Looks like a device to kill squirrels or something.
		
Click to expand...


electrical installations have a requirement to be earthed.

I think the bag full of earth does not quite meet that requirement


----------



## Blue in Munich (Nov 11, 2022)

clubchamp98 said:



			Showed it to my lad 35 yr old.
Blank ( don’t get it)
He’s never changed a plug in his life , so dosnt know what a earth wire is.
Is it a generation thing ?
		
Click to expand...

Maybe it is; given that everything these days comes with moulded plugs that you can't do anything with (and it's been the case for a while), would he have ever needed to?

On a similar tack, we had a Fawlty Towers dining experience at the club.  One of the props was an old phone with a handset, cord and dial; totally confused some of our younger bar staff.


----------



## Slime (Nov 11, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Nov 12, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Nov 12, 2022)




----------



## BiMGuy (Nov 12, 2022)

https://www.facebook.com/reel/788775155556393?fs=e&s=TIeQ9V


----------



## Pants (Nov 12, 2022)

At a flea market I found a really old Elvis record I’d never come across before. The label said ‘Wooden Leg’. 

I said to the stall owner, “That’s strange, I thought he sang Wooden Heart.” He replied, “Yeah he did, but this is the pirate version.”


----------



## Blue in Munich (Nov 12, 2022)

Pants said:



			At a flea market I found a really old Elvis record I’d never come across before. The label said ‘Wooden Leg’.

I said to the stall owner, “That’s strange, I thought he sang Wooden Heart.” He replied, “Yeah he did, but this is the pirate version.”
		
Click to expand...

I groaned; Mrs BiM is giggling like a naughty schoolgirl.


----------



## Slime (Nov 12, 2022)




----------



## bobmac (Nov 13, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Nov 13, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Nov 14, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Nov 14, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Nov 14, 2022)

It was cold this morning...


----------



## Doh (Nov 15, 2022)

Pants said:








Click to expand...

Thanks,as if I need reminding.lol


----------



## Asian Dawn (Nov 15, 2022)

Pants said:








Click to expand...

I'm still waiting for the replacement pick up at 83 Royal Gardens now that Car 67 cannot do it.

Let's see who gets that reference.


----------



## NearHull (Nov 15, 2022)

Asian Dawn said:



			I'm still waiting for the replacement pick up at 83 Royal Gardens now that Car 67 cannot do it.

Let's see who gets that reference.
		
Click to expand...

In August 1980, the Queen Mother announced that *** ** was "her favourite pop record", describing it as "telling a warm and human story", ………….so Wiki says!


----------



## Asian Dawn (Nov 15, 2022)

I've had that damn song in my head for the last half hour.   What was I thinking?


----------



## Slime (Nov 15, 2022)

I'm old, but I have absolutely no idea what you good people are talking about!


----------



## Slime (Nov 15, 2022)




----------



## Asian Dawn (Nov 15, 2022)

Slime said:



			I'm old, but I have absolutely no idea what you good people are talking about!
		
Click to expand...

Driver 67 - Car 67 [totp2] - YouTube 

Control this is 67 here, I can hear you loud and I can hear you clear.


----------



## Imurg (Nov 15, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Nov 15, 2022)




----------



## GreiginFife (Nov 15, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Nov 15, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Nov 15, 2022)




----------



## Asian Dawn (Nov 15, 2022)




----------



## SatchFan (Nov 15, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Nov 15, 2022)

Welcome to car thieves anonymous.
Please take a Seat.


----------



## Dando (Nov 16, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Nov 16, 2022)




----------



## SocketRocket (Nov 16, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Nov 17, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Nov 17, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Nov 17, 2022)




----------



## NearHull (Nov 17, 2022)

jim8flog said:



View attachment 45225

Click to expand...

Another one that took a while.


----------



## Norrin Radd (Nov 17, 2022)

James Toney has said he is gutted not to be involved in the world cup 2-2draw with Iran on sunday


----------



## Voyager EMH (Nov 17, 2022)

I'm going to do a few posts this evening telepathically.

If you find yourself thinking about something amusing - it was me.


----------



## Slime (Nov 18, 2022)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Nov 19, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Nov 19, 2022)

Joke explaining......
The joke here is Fragger reaching a par 4 green with anything other than a ballistic missile....


----------



## Slime (Nov 19, 2022)




----------



## richart (Nov 19, 2022)

Imurg said:



			Joke explaining......
The joke here is Fragger reaching a par 4 green with anything other than a ballistic missile....

Click to expand...

I just assumed he meant a par 3.


----------



## Fade and Die (Nov 19, 2022)

PhilTheFragger said:



View attachment 45247

Click to expand...


Then…..


😜


----------



## Slime (Nov 19, 2022)

Just been to the gym, they've got a new machine in!
I only used it for about half an hour because I began to feel a bit sick.
It is great, though.
It does just about everything ................................ kit-kats, mars bars, twirls, flakes, crisps, the lot!


----------



## Slime (Nov 19, 2022)

I've just seen two blind guys having a fight.
Should've seen the look on their faces when I said "My money's on the one with the knife."


----------



## Dando (Nov 19, 2022)

richart said:



			I just assumed he meant a par 3.
		
Click to expand...

A very short par 3


----------



## Dando (Nov 19, 2022)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Nov 19, 2022)

Water off a slaphead’s nut 😎🙄


----------



## srixon 1 (Nov 19, 2022)

Sat at the railway station waiting to collect the wife. Train should have been here 30 mins ago and still no sign of it. Our rail network is shot.


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Nov 19, 2022)

srixon 1 said:



			Sat at the railway station waiting to collect the wife. Train should have been here 30 mins ago and still no sign of it. Our rail network is shot.
		
Click to expand...

There are strikes today, has your boss told you what train she is on?


----------



## Voyager EMH (Nov 19, 2022)

Americans say "elevator" and we say "lift". Just depends how you were raised, I suppose.

Which reminds me.
I got drunk on holiday and threw up in the lift of the hotel.
I'm ashamed at my behaviour.
It was disgusting on so many levels.


And finally, the two unwritten laws of joke telling,

1.

2.


----------



## srixon 1 (Nov 19, 2022)

PhilTheFragger said:



			There are strikes today, has your boss told you what train she is on?
		
Click to expand...

She was on the London to Weymouth train. Got on at Winchester, getting off at the end of the line at Weymouth. Apparently it was due to a signal failure at Moreton, a one horse town in the middle of nowhere. The train turned up 5 minutes after my initial post.


----------



## Slime (Nov 19, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Nov 20, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Nov 20, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Nov 20, 2022)

The Scottish football squad getting ready for the World Cup


----------



## sunshine (Nov 20, 2022)

srixon 1 said:



			Sat at the railway station waiting to collect the wife. Train should have been here 30 mins ago and still no sign of it. Our rail network is shot.
		
Click to expand...

Still don’t get this one


----------



## Maninblack4612 (Nov 20, 2022)

Dando said:



			The Scottish football squad getting ready for the World Cup

View attachment 45264

Click to expand...

@williamalex1


----------



## srixon 1 (Nov 20, 2022)

sunshine said:



			Still don’t get this one
		
Click to expand...

Should have been random irritations. Trying to post in the car without reading specs.


----------



## williamalex1 (Nov 20, 2022)

Maninblack4612 said:



@williamalex1

Click to expand...

Can you post the one I sent you


----------



## Maninblack4612 (Nov 20, 2022)

williamalex1 said:



			Can you post the one I sent you 

Click to expand...

No, but you can, if you like


----------



## williamalex1 (Nov 20, 2022)

Maninblack4612 said:



			No, but you can, if you like
		
Click to expand...

I don't know how


----------



## williamalex1 (Nov 20, 2022)

How's that


----------



## Slime (Nov 20, 2022)

I came out of Aldi earlier and there was a woman crying her eyes out. She’d lost all her holiday money that she’d been saving for months. I felt so sorry for her i gave her £50.



I don’t usually do that kind of thing but I’d just found £2000 in the car park!


----------



## Voyager EMH (Nov 21, 2022)

I always said that orthopaedic shoes would never be any good for me.
But I stand corrected.


----------



## Imurg (Nov 21, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Nov 21, 2022)

Let's take a moment to savour the Welsh for Cappuccino.....


----------



## Voyager EMH (Nov 21, 2022)

And you are always welcome to a cacen gachu with any of the above - if you are English - so I've been told.

I've never heard of a cortado before. But now I know that is a small strong coffee. So that was useful. Diolch @Imurg.


----------



## Mudball (Nov 21, 2022)

Imurg said:



			Let's take a moment to savour the Welsh for Cappuccino.....
View attachment 45283

Click to expand...

i drew Wales in my office sweepstakes... so this may come handy


----------



## Slime (Nov 21, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Nov 21, 2022)

When themed restaurants go too far!


----------



## Slime (Nov 21, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Nov 21, 2022)




----------



## spongebob59 (Nov 21, 2022)




----------



## yandabrown (Nov 21, 2022)

Seeing England 6-2 is normally followed by Joe Root coming into the crease to dig us out of the doo-doo again!


----------



## Slime (Nov 21, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Nov 22, 2022)




----------



## Asian Dawn (Nov 22, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Nov 22, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Nov 22, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Nov 22, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Nov 22, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Nov 22, 2022)




----------



## yandabrown (Nov 23, 2022)




----------



## rulefan (Nov 23, 2022)

https://golfhandicapassociation.com/rulesoverview


----------



## clubchamp98 (Nov 23, 2022)

rulefan said:



https://golfhandicapassociation.com/rulesoverview

Click to expand...

To be fair the divot rule, rake bunker footprint rule sound great.
Not sure about a 600cc driver though 
Pity their not in charge.


----------



## Mudball (Nov 23, 2022)

He’s only your fiancé if he comes from the Fiancé region of France. Otherwise he’s just your sparkling boyfriend. A brosecco.


----------



## Crow (Nov 23, 2022)

rulefan said:



https://golfhandicapassociation.com/rulesoverview

Click to expand...

They only need one new rule for the "rules are too penal" crowd;

Rule 1: If a player manages to make a swing at the ball on the tee they can then carry the ball to the green and place it in the hole for no penalty.


----------



## Slime (Nov 24, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Nov 24, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Nov 24, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Nov 24, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Nov 24, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Nov 24, 2022)




----------



## Grizzly (Nov 24, 2022)

Imurg said:



View attachment 45324

Click to expand...

Freaked me out somewhat seeing my second home on the forum!


----------



## Pants (Nov 24, 2022)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Nov 25, 2022)




----------



## Norrin Radd (Nov 25, 2022)

ColchesterFC said:



View attachment 45331

Click to expand...

Reminds me of my wife, glad the girlfriends not like that .


----------



## Slime (Nov 25, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Nov 25, 2022)




----------



## Blue in Munich (Nov 25, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Nov 25, 2022)




----------



## Stuart_C (Nov 26, 2022)

Blue in Munich said:



			I groaned; Mrs BiM is giggling like a naughty schoolgirl.
		
Click to expand...

Wait til she hears the joke😉


----------



## Doon frae Troon (Nov 26, 2022)

England 'fans' dressed as Crusaders complaining about Qatar police stopping them entering WC stadium.


----------



## Imurg (Nov 26, 2022)

I wonder if this is Mrs Dando....

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1596570745789882368


----------



## Crow (Nov 26, 2022)

Imurg said:



			I wonder if this is Mrs Dando....

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1596570745789882368

Click to expand...

Better ask Hovis.


----------



## Dando (Nov 27, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Nov 27, 2022)




----------



## Voyager EMH (Nov 27, 2022)

Doon frae Troon said:



			England 'fans' dressed as Crusaders complaining about Qatar police stopping them entering WC stadium.

Click to expand...

The crusader outfits at sports events have been around for a while and have always amused me. They seem to be based mainly on the Knights Templar. Any of this type of Crusader from England were part of the French speaking nobility and ruling class. Maybe a fancy dress depicting Saxon resistance to the Norman conquerors would be more appropriate. No idea how any outfit would be able to depict this. Mind you, the Saxons around that time were speaking a form of old German. Why not go back even further and dress as Celtic warriors resisting the Roman conquerors? They spoke a language that has similarities with Welsh.
The English do tend to have trouble understanding their own heritage.


----------



## williamalex1 (Nov 27, 2022)

Dando said:



View attachment 45352

Click to expand...

No waggy tail ?


----------



## Neilds (Nov 27, 2022)

Voyager EMH said:



			The crusader outfits at sports events have been around for a while and have always amused me. They seem to be based mainly on the Knights Templar. Any of this type of Crusader from England were part of the French speaking nobility and ruling class. Maybe a fancy dress depicting Saxon resistance to the Norman conquerors would be more appropriate. No idea how any outfit would be able to depict this. Mind you, the Saxons around that time were speaking a form of old German. Why not go back even further and dress as Celtic warriors resisting the Roman conquerors? They spoke a language that has similarities with Welsh.
The English do tend to have trouble understanding their own heritage.
		
Click to expand...

The world loves a pedant 🤣


----------



## Doon frae Troon (Nov 27, 2022)

Voyager EMH said:



			The crusader outfits at sports events have been around for a while and have always amused me. They seem to be based mainly on the Knights Templar. Any of this type of Crusader from England were part of the French speaking nobility and ruling class. Maybe a fancy dress depicting Saxon resistance to the Norman conquerors would be more appropriate. No idea how any outfit would be able to depict this. Mind you, the Saxons around that time were speaking a form of old German. Why not go back even further and dress as Celtic warriors resisting the Roman conquerors? They spoke a language that has similarities with Welsh.
The English do tend to have trouble understanding their own heritage.
		
Click to expand...

 According to the numpties they were paying homage to Monty Python........Aye right


----------



## jim8flog (Nov 27, 2022)




----------



## Voyager EMH (Nov 27, 2022)

Neilds said:



			The world loves a pedant 🤣
		
Click to expand...

and plenty of them on this forum regarding golf club specs, types of golf ball, rules of golf, English football, etc etc etc


----------



## Slime (Nov 27, 2022)

The Belgian national football team.


----------



## Dando (Nov 27, 2022)

Slime said:



			The Belgian national football team.
		
Click to expand...

Still not as funny as the Scottish football team


----------



## rulefan (Nov 27, 2022)

Neilds said:



			The world loves a pedant 🤣
		
Click to expand...

Many have them hanging on chains round their necks.


----------



## jim8flog (Nov 27, 2022)

rulefan said:



			Many have them hanging on chains round their necks.
		
Click to expand...

 Dyslexia rules K.O.


----------



## NearHull (Nov 27, 2022)

rulefan said:



			Many have them hanging on chains round their necks.
		
Click to expand...

Wouldn’t a pendant write…


Many have them hanging on chains *around* their necks.


----------



## rulefan (Nov 27, 2022)

NearHull said:



			Wouldn’t a pendant write…

Many have them hanging on chains *around* their necks.
		
Click to expand...

It depends.


----------



## Dando (Nov 28, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Nov 28, 2022)

A newly wed couple were riding a horse drawn buggy home....
After a few miles the horse stopped in the middle of the road and the husband gave the horse a light pop with the whip. The horse kicked and bucked. The man quietly murmured "That's once.".​A few minutes later the horse stopped again and after a light tap on his hind quarters bucked even more violently. This time the man murmured "That's twice.".​A few minutes later the horse bucked again and the man quietly climbed down from the carriage, pulled out a pistol, and shot the horse dead. His new wife immediately began screaming and yelling and striking the man asking what the hell was wrong with him.​The man pocketed his pistol, looked up at his distraught wife, and murmured "That's once."                     
​


----------



## sunshine (Nov 28, 2022)

Slime said:



A newly wed couple were riding a horse drawn buggy home....​After a few miles the horse stopped in the middle of the road and the husband gave the horse a light pop with the whip. The horse kicked and bucked. The man quietly murmured "That's once.".​A few minutes later the horse stopped again and after a light tap on his hind quarters bucked even more violently. This time the man murmured "That's twice.".​A few minutes later the horse bucked again and the man quietly climbed down from the carriage, pulled out a pistol, and shot the horse dead. His new wife immediately began screaming and yelling and striking the man asking what the hell was wrong with him.​The man pocketed his pistol, looked up at his distraught wife, and murmured "That's once."​​​

Click to expand...

only in America


----------



## jim8flog (Nov 29, 2022)

sunshine said:



			only in America
		
Click to expand...

 unless they are Amish and it would be a knife.


----------



## jim8flog (Nov 29, 2022)




----------



## BiMGuy (Nov 29, 2022)

I can’t post it here. But look for the video of the Aussie guy going mental during his club championship.


----------



## Imurg (Nov 29, 2022)

BiMGuy said:



			I can’t post it here. But look for the video of the Aussie guy going mental during his club championship.
		
Click to expand...

It's utterly superb......wait to the end.


----------



## Slime (Nov 29, 2022)

I found two guys having a swear off, but nothing in particular happened at the end!
Am I missing something?


----------



## Imurg (Nov 29, 2022)

Slime said:



			I found two guys having a swear off, but nothing in particular happened at the end!
Am I missing something?
		
Click to expand...

There's a part 2 somewhere...


----------



## spongebob59 (Nov 29, 2022)

Imurg said:



			It's utterly superb......wait to the end.
		
Click to expand...

You tube ?


----------



## Imurg (Nov 29, 2022)

Found it kn twitter 
The original clip is about a minute and a half..
A guy called @ixrwork


----------



## BiMGuy (Nov 29, 2022)

https://youtube.com/@chicagogolf


----------



## PhilTheFragger (Nov 29, 2022)

Blakey’s 7 😂

Except there’s only 6 of em 🙄


----------



## Slime (Nov 29, 2022)

Imurg said:



			It's utterly superb......wait to the end.
		
Click to expand...

Just seen the full version and, yes, the ending was epic.


----------



## SatchFan (Nov 30, 2022)

Close enough.


----------



## Imurg (Nov 30, 2022)

Especially for Fragger today..


----------



## Voyager EMH (Nov 30, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Nov 30, 2022)

Imurg said:



			Especially for Fragger today..

View attachment 45383

Click to expand...

Has he run out of adult nappies?


----------



## Imurg (Nov 30, 2022)

Dando said:



			Has he run out of adult nappies?
		
Click to expand...

Well if he has I'm not going to the shops for him again.....one emergency medicine run per day.....
The things I do for a quiet life


----------



## Voyager EMH (Nov 30, 2022)

Doubt if anyone here has not seen this, but always worth another look (topical)


----------



## Slime (Nov 30, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Nov 30, 2022)

I got an email explaining how to read maps backwards.



It was spam.


----------



## Slime (Nov 30, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Dec 1, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Dec 1, 2022)

My mate needed a bone marrow transplant. We found a match in Argentina and the operation was a success. 

Our thanks go to Diego marrow donor.


----------



## Voyager EMH (Dec 1, 2022)

I knew a chap who earned a living running a freight boat up and down the river Plate.

He was an Argie bargee.


----------



## Slime (Dec 1, 2022)

*Triggernometry* *?*


----------



## Voyager EMH (Dec 1, 2022)

Slime said:



*Triggernometry* *?*


View attachment 45410

Click to expand...

That took me nearly a minute. I'm a bit slow.
Started on the happy juice a bit early this evening celebrating 1st of December.


----------



## Norrin Radd (Dec 1, 2022)

Why did the sperm cross the road?













Because I put the wrong sock on this morning.


----------



## Imurg (Dec 2, 2022)




----------



## Fade and Die (Dec 2, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Dec 2, 2022)




----------



## Asian Dawn (Dec 2, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Dec 2, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Dec 2, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Dec 2, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Dec 2, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Dec 2, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Dec 2, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Dec 2, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Dec 3, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Dec 3, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Dec 3, 2022)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Dec 4, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Dec 4, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Dec 4, 2022)

I just finished building a model of Mount Everest. 
My mate said, is it to scale?






I said no, just to look at.


----------



## jim8flog (Dec 5, 2022)

It took a little while to really appreciate this (the clue is in the copyright)


----------



## bobmac (Dec 5, 2022)

Won't be long


----------



## jim8flog (Dec 5, 2022)

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that Helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 Years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’


----------



## Imurg (Dec 5, 2022)

Just love this guy....


----------



## Slime (Dec 5, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Dec 5, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Dec 6, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Dec 6, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Dec 6, 2022)




----------



## Voyager EMH (Dec 7, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Dec 7, 2022)




----------



## SatchFan (Dec 8, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Dec 8, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Dec 9, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Dec 9, 2022)

Imurg said:



View attachment 45500

Click to expand...

No pink castle tees?


----------



## Voyager EMH (Dec 9, 2022)

You were warned.


----------



## arnieboy (Dec 9, 2022)

Voyager EMH said:



View attachment 45501


You were warned.
		
Click to expand...

That looks like the one I lost on the 5th today....


----------



## Smiffy (Dec 9, 2022)

As I was leaving the house this morning I noticed a little bearded old man sitting on a toadstool with his head in his hands.
"Are you a goblin?" I asked him.
"No, I've got a headache" he replied.


----------



## yandabrown (Dec 9, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Dec 9, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Dec 10, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Dec 10, 2022)

Recently discovered Dave Nihill on FB... absolutely taking the Irish micky of the Americans on his tour.. 

https://www.facebook.com/reel/1296339924459738/?s=ifu


----------



## Crazyface (Dec 10, 2022)

Voyager EMH said:



			The crusader outfits at sports events have been around for a while and have always amused me. They seem to be based mainly on the Knights Templar. Any of this type of Crusader from England were part of the French speaking nobility and ruling class. Maybe a fancy dress depicting Saxon resistance to the Norman conquerors would be more appropriate. No idea how any outfit would be able to depict this. Mind you, the Saxons around that time were speaking a form of old German. Why not go back even further and dress as Celtic warriors resisting the Roman conquerors? They spoke a language that has similarities with Welsh.
The English do tend to have trouble understanding their own heritage.
		
Click to expand...

Whilst this is possibly true, was anyone there at the time?, they were still from England. Language evolves over time, and still is. Once upon a time people used to say Poleece, now they say Pleece. Just coz England has been successfully invaded loads of times in it's history, because most just glanced over their shoulder, rolled their eyes and said, "They'll soon clear off once they get fed up of 8 months of winter", so have had difference languages to speak, does not mean that they are not still after all, English.


----------



## jim8flog (Dec 10, 2022)

Crazyface said:



			Whilst this is possibly true, was anyone there at the time?, they were still from England. Language evolves over time, and still is. Once upon a time people used to say Poleece, now they say Pleece. Just coz England has been successfully invaded loads of times in it's history, because most just glanced over their shoulder, rolled their eyes and said, "They'll soon clear off once they get fed up of 8 months of winter", so have had difference languages to speak, does not mean that they are not still after all, English.
		
Click to expand...

Well you cannot pleece everybody.


----------



## jim8flog (Dec 10, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Dec 10, 2022)

Top money saving tip:
Turn off your fridge to save electricity and open the door. And the windows.
You're welcome.


----------



## Slime (Dec 10, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Dec 10, 2022)

Pants said:



			Top money saving tip:
Turn off your fridge to save electricity and open the door. And the windows.
You're welcome.
		
Click to expand...

 That reminded me of what I was doing yesterday - defrosting the freezer, I was tempted to just leave the food outside where I had left it to stop it from thawing out.


----------



## Slime (Dec 10, 2022)

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car.  Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly neither of them was hurt. 
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look at our cars!  
There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.  
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

The man replied, "I agree with you completely.  This must be a sign from God!

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.  My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 50 year old scotch didn't break.  Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune."  
Then she handed the bottle to the man.  The man nods his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman. 
The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" 





She replies, "Nah.  I think I'll just wait for the police."


----------



## Slime (Dec 10, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Dec 10, 2022)




----------



## Voyager EMH (Dec 11, 2022)

Crazyface said:



			Whilst this is possibly true, was anyone there at the time?, they were still from England. Language evolves over time, and still is. Once upon a time people used to say Poleece, now they say Pleece. Just coz England has been successfully invaded loads of times in it's history, because most just glanced over their shoulder, rolled their eyes and said, "They'll soon clear off once they get fed up of 8 months of winter", so have had difference languages to speak, does not mean that they are not still after all, English.
		
Click to expand...

Knights Templar were a French organisation. Definitely not English.


----------



## sunshine (Dec 11, 2022)

Voyager EMH said:



			Knights Templar were a French organisation. Definitely not English.
		
Click to expand...

I think your post has gone way over his head. I wouldn’t bother trying to explain it.


----------



## spongebob59 (Dec 11, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Dec 11, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Dec 11, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Dec 12, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Dec 12, 2022)




----------



## Asian Dawn (Dec 13, 2022)

Does anyone know the delivery company Wile E.Coyote employed?  They could deliver high-tech gadgets to him in the middle of the desert in hours.   They have to be better than Yodel, Hermes, DPD or anyone else we have in this country.


----------



## jim8flog (Dec 13, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Dec 13, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Dec 13, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Dec 13, 2022)




----------



## Asian Dawn (Dec 13, 2022)

Slime said:



View attachment 45579

Click to expand...

Hey that's mine.


----------



## Slime (Dec 13, 2022)

Asian Dawn said:



			Hey that's mine.
		
Click to expand...

You can have it when I've finished with it.


----------



## jim8flog (Dec 15, 2022)




----------



## patricks148 (Dec 15, 2022)

I often see an old chap out on his ebike,  never seem him pedalling.. got chatting today as he commented on Rupert pulling me along the canal on his bike joring harness.  Got on the subject of why we were out in the snow.. he says the Doctor said cycling was good for him, Do you ever pedal I asked, no its easier using the motor🤣🤣


----------



## Slime (Dec 15, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Dec 15, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Dec 15, 2022)

I have found my ideal golf clothing for this week

https://pickmelife.com/products/the-wearable-sleeping-bag


----------



## RichA (Dec 15, 2022)

jim8flog said:



			I have found my ideal golf clothing for this week

https://pickmelife.com/products/the-wearable-sleeping-bag

Click to expand...

You've put this in the Laughter thread. I'm sorely tempted to give it space in the I Bought Today thread.


----------



## jim8flog (Dec 16, 2022)

RichA said:



			You've put this in the Laughter thread. I'm sorely tempted to give it space in the I Bought Today thread.
		
Click to expand...

 do not bother they only have small size left.

I was tempted as Chrissie present for my daughter who always feels the cold even in a house (blood pressure).


----------



## Dando (Dec 16, 2022)

jim8flog said:



			I have found my ideal golf clothing for this week

https://pickmelife.com/products/the-wearable-sleeping-bag

Click to expand...

Mrs D wants one of those for when we go to the caravan


----------



## Fade and Die (Dec 16, 2022)

jim8flog said:



			I have found my ideal golf clothing for this week

https://pickmelife.com/products/the-wearable-sleeping-bag

Click to expand...

Just a heads up, do not buy anything from pickmelife. It’s a scam Chinese company. I ordered a log splitter and they sent a bit of tat scarf, I complained and after various back and forward emails i got this response…




Bank got me back a full refund though.


----------



## jim8flog (Dec 16, 2022)

Fade and Die said:



			Just a heads up, do not buy anything from pickmelife. It’s a scam Chinese company. I ordered a log splitter and they sent a bit of tat scarf, I complained and after various back and forward emails i got this response…

View attachment 45610


Bank got me back a full refund though.
		
Click to expand...

  I stopped buying from facebook ads some time ago*. You can usually find the same items on ebay or amazon cheaper and with better protection

Last thing I bought was a game that was pictured as adult sized when it arrived it was small child sized.


----------



## Slime (Dec 16, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Dec 16, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Dec 16, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Dec 16, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Dec 17, 2022)

Oh dear


----------



## Slime (Dec 17, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Dec 17, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Dec 17, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Dec 17, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Dec 18, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Dec 18, 2022)




----------



## rulefan (Dec 18, 2022)

jim8flog said:



View attachment 45638

Click to expand...

And spelchequers


----------



## Baldy Bouncer (Dec 18, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Dec 18, 2022)

As kids, we were so poor, my dad would close all the doors on Christmas eve, just so we would have something to open on Christmas day.


----------



## Slime (Dec 18, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Dec 18, 2022)

A bloke was sitting at the side of the road crying his eyes out, his dead hamster in his hands.

A fairy godmother asked him what the matter was. He said “I loved my pet hamster and it just died ”.

The fairy godmother said “Well I can’t bring it back to life, but I can suggest that you can make some good of the situation”.

The bloke asked “How do I do that ?” The fairy godmother replied “Go home put the hamster in a pan and add a bag of sugar.

Heat the pan up stirring well and simmer for an hour. Allow to cool, pour it onto your garden and see what happens”. The bloke did exactly as she suggested.

The next day, he went into the garden and there were masses of daffodils everywhere!

He ran back to the road where he’d seen the fairy godmother and she reappeared and asked the bloke how he’d got on. He said “It’s fantastic, there are daffodils everywhere!”

The fairy godmother replied “That’s really strange, you normally get tulips from hamster jam."


----------



## Slime (Dec 18, 2022)




----------



## Smiffy (Dec 19, 2022)




----------



## Orikoru (Dec 19, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Dec 20, 2022)




----------



## jim8flog (Dec 20, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Dec 20, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Dec 20, 2022)

I just ordered a load of Babybels from Israel.




You just can't beat the baby cheeses of Nazareth.


----------



## Pin-seeker (Dec 20, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Dec 21, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Dec 22, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Dec 22, 2022)




----------



## SatchFan (Dec 22, 2022)

If anyone is spending Christmas alone this year please let me know. I need to borrow some chairs.


----------



## Imurg (Dec 24, 2022)




----------



## Tashyboy (Dec 24, 2022)

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-cornwall-64082342

Wonder if Santa was breathalyzed 😂😂


----------



## Slime (Dec 24, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Dec 24, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Dec 24, 2022)




----------



## Baldy Bouncer (Dec 24, 2022)

Slime said:



View attachment 45688

Click to expand...




Superb!!!

"They mostly come at night.............mostly"


----------



## ColchesterFC (Dec 24, 2022)




----------



## Pin-seeker (Dec 24, 2022)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1606313579438690306


----------



## Slime (Dec 24, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Dec 24, 2022)




----------



## Mudball (Dec 25, 2022)

When I started the thread on Air fryer recommendations.. I thought it will get about 5-10 dry response… but it’s 5 pages long and going strong…  Little did I know …


----------



## Baldy Bouncer (Dec 26, 2022)

Pin-seeker said:




__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1606313579438690306

Click to expand...



Cringeworthy in the extreme


----------



## Imurg (Dec 26, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Dec 26, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Dec 26, 2022)




----------



## Lord Tyrion (Dec 26, 2022)

Slime said:



View attachment 45702

Click to expand...

Can I buy that off you for New Years Eve? 😆


----------



## Imurg (Dec 27, 2022)




----------



## Dando (Dec 27, 2022)




----------



## Pants (Dec 27, 2022)

So silly ....


----------



## Pants (Dec 27, 2022)

Every Christmas I'd come running downstairs to the big pile of presents and start unwrapping them as fast as I can. Sometimes there would be fights over who had the best toys. We'd make up then sit down for a three-hour lunch in front of the telly. 

I miss working for Royal Mail.


----------



## williamalex1 (Dec 27, 2022)

Pants said:



			So silly ....






Click to expand...

Eng land


----------



## rulefan (Dec 28, 2022)

williamalex1 said:



			Eng land 

Click to expand...

Is where the Engs come from.


----------



## bobmac (Dec 28, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Dec 28, 2022)




----------



## Slime (Dec 28, 2022)




----------



## bobmac (Dec 28, 2022)

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/RdV5ohah0D4


----------



## Imurg (Dec 28, 2022)




----------



## Imurg (Dec 28, 2022)




----------



## CliveW (Dec 31, 2022)




----------



## Pin-seeker (Dec 31, 2022)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1609195455560257537
At least he can laugh about it 😂


----------



## Voyager EMH (Jan 2, 2023)




----------



## Slime (Jan 2, 2023)




----------



## Slime (Jan 2, 2023)




----------



## Slime (Jan 2, 2023)




----------



## Slime (Jan 2, 2023)




----------



## Imurg (Jan 3, 2023)




----------



## Imurg (Jan 4, 2023)




----------



## arnieboy (Jan 4, 2023)

Imurg said:



View attachment 45820

Click to expand...

Or play golf!


----------



## Slime (Jan 4, 2023)




----------



## Slime (Jan 4, 2023)




----------



## Slime (Jan 4, 2023)




----------



## ColchesterFC (Jan 4, 2023)




----------



## Mudball (Jan 5, 2023)




----------



## jim8flog (Jan 5, 2023)




----------



## spongebob59 (Jan 5, 2023)




----------



## Slime (Jan 5, 2023)




----------



## Slime (Jan 5, 2023)




----------



## Slime (Jan 5, 2023)




----------



## Slime (Jan 5, 2023)




----------



## Slime (Jan 5, 2023)




----------



## SatchFan (Jan 5, 2023)

That must be good stuff.


----------



## Imurg (Jan 5, 2023)




----------



## Slime (Jan 5, 2023)




----------



## PhilTheFragger (Jan 5, 2023)




----------



## Mudball (Jan 6, 2023)




----------



## CliveW (Jan 6, 2023)




----------



## Pants (Jan 6, 2023)

CliveW said:








Click to expand...

The thing is though Clive, you are far enough away for it to be funny


----------



## Slime (Jan 6, 2023)




----------



## Slime (Jan 6, 2023)

Mudball said:








Click to expand...

See post #6245.


----------



## Mudball (Jan 6, 2023)




----------



## rulefan (Jan 6, 2023)

Mudball said:



View attachment 45863

Click to expand...

Lucky she's old enough to know the answer.


----------



## clubchamp98 (Saturday at 9:54 AM)

rulefan said:



			Lucky she's old enough to know the answer.
		
Click to expand...

He’s got a cheek .
Bad maths never cost him anything.


----------



## Pants (Saturday at 10:44 AM)




----------



## Pants (Saturday at 10:45 AM)




----------



## spongebob59 (Saturday at 3:50 PM)




----------



## Dando (Saturday at 6:00 PM)

If fake bacon is called facon. What we gonna call fake duck?


----------



## IanM (Saturday at 8:34 PM)

Dando said:



			If fake bacon is called facon. What we gonna call fake duck?
		
Click to expand...

Vegetarian alternative!


----------



## Pants (Monday at 10:54 AM)




----------



## Pants (Monday at 4:58 PM)




----------



## Slime (Monday at 7:43 PM)




----------



## Slime (Monday at 7:44 PM)




----------



## Slime (Monday at 7:45 PM)




----------



## Slime (Monday at 7:48 PM)




----------



## Slime (Monday at 7:49 PM)




----------



## Mudball (Monday at 8:53 PM)




----------



## yandabrown (Monday at 8:57 PM)

David Beckham's second son arrived at training for Brentford, he asked the coach "What number shirt am I?"

The coach said "Wear four out there Romeo"


----------



## Slime (Tuesday at 12:06 PM)




----------



## Imurg (Tuesday at 2:04 PM)




----------



## CliveW (Tuesday at 2:54 PM)




----------



## CliveW (Tuesday at 3:36 PM)




----------



## jim8flog (Wednesday at 10:37 AM)




----------



## Norrin Radd (Wednesday at 12:57 PM)

CliveW said:



View attachment 45902

Click to expand...

Unfortunately I am very ill as I can't see any numbers , maybe it's because I'm colour blind.


----------



## Slime (Wednesday at 4:32 PM)




----------



## Slime (Wednesday at 4:35 PM)




----------



## Slime (Wednesday at 4:36 PM)

I've just been left a stately home in my uncles will.
Don't know where Sod Hall is but I'm thrilled.


----------



## Tashyboy (Wednesday at 4:45 PM)

Slime said:



			I've just been left a stately home in my uncles will.
Don't know where Sod Hall is but I'm thrilled.
		
Click to expand...

I was left bugger all. Not sure how many rooms it has.


----------



## spongebob59 (Wednesday at 5:09 PM)




----------



## williamalex1 (Wednesday at 6:22 PM)

Seemingly Harry didn't kill 25 Talaban he only captured them, and kept telling them what a horrible childhood he had.
They shot themselves


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## Pants (Wednesday at 11:19 PM)




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## Voyager EMH (Yesterday at 8:07 AM)

Did you know that there are rings around uranus?
They are quite faint so you have to look very intently.


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## jim8flog (Yesterday at 10:22 AM)

Voyager EMH said:



			Did you know that there are rings around uranus?
They are quite faint so you have to look very intently.
		
Click to expand...

That's a contorted view of the system.


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## jim8flog (Yesterday at 7:01 PM)




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## Slime (Yesterday at 7:14 PM)




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## Slime (Yesterday at 7:15 PM)




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## Dando (Yesterday at 7:58 PM)

Not sure about the new gym class


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