# Funny Stuff



## Fish (Jul 10, 2012)

I rang Babestation the other night and the women said "Hi sexy, what can I do for you?"

I said "Hide, my wife's coming and I can't find the remote!"


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## MKDave (Jul 10, 2012)

What's green and smells of bacon?!

Kermits finger


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## jgozza (Jul 10, 2012)

Why does a squirrel swim on its back??


To keep his nuts dry


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## DappaDonDave (Jul 10, 2012)

How Do You Get Holy Water? 

You Boil The Hell Out Of It.


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## JustOne (Jul 11, 2012)

My wife told me to pack and leave the other day. As I was walking out the door she said...

"I hope you die a long and painful death"

Typical I thought... now she wants me to stay!


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## brendy (Jul 11, 2012)

Like it JO.


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## Chuzzlewit (Jul 11, 2012)

How do you confuse an idiot?

Purple.


My boss text me the other day, asking me to send him a joke. I replied "I can't right now, I'm really busy", he replied "that's great, send me another"....


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## Phil2511 (Jul 11, 2012)

The makers of GoalRef and Hawk-Eye goal-line technology have told Rangers they can't use the system next season.Apparently it doesn't work with goal posts made from jumpers.



I said to my girlfriend, "Please get me a newspaper.""Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad."That spider never knew what hit it.


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## Paul_Stewart (Jul 11, 2012)

I used to be Captain Ahab's harpoon boy.    Until my head went blunt.


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## Fish (Jul 11, 2012)

My wife wanted to see Jeremy Kyle live for her birthday, so I got her sister pregnant, did her mum as well and now she's on next week!


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## GreiginFife (Jul 11, 2012)

My wife's been missing for a week now. 
The police have told me to prepare for the worst...

So I went down the charity shop and got her clothes back!


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## Doon frae Troon (Jul 11, 2012)

Sister,Sister they have found a case of syphalis in the convent.

That's good, I was getting a bit fed up of the Cotes du Rhone.


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## Whereditgo (Jul 11, 2012)

I've been banned from the pool at my gym. I was having a pee in the deep end but the lifeguard must have noticed ........he blew his whistle that loud I almost fell in!


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## CMAC (Jul 11, 2012)

Went into the bakers shop and asked for 2 wasps please.

We don't sell wasps said the sharp assistant!

Yes you do I said, you've 2 in the window!

Boom boom.


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## GreiginFife (Jul 11, 2012)

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had been overly-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they popped into the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and didnot want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her bum that said......

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.' "​


​


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## Mattyboy (Jul 11, 2012)

Got thrown out of the swimming pool the other week cause the 's' had fallen off of my trunks..........


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## williamalex1 (Jul 11, 2012)

the misses left a note on the telly for me 'it's not working i'm leaving.  i plugged it in turned it on, and  there's f/ all wrong with it.:whoo:


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## Paul_Stewart (Jul 12, 2012)

Two O2 mobile phones got married. The ceremony was lovely but the reception was *****.


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## Sponge1980 (Jul 12, 2012)

What do call a man on a motorbike wearing a suit of armour?

Medieval Kinevel.


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## Sponge1980 (Jul 12, 2012)

A man walks into a bakers and asks the baker how much his cakes cost.

"They're all Â£2, except for the one in the window its Â£10" says the baker.

"Why does that one cost more?" asks the man.

"Because that's maderia cake" replies the baker.


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## Sponge1980 (Jul 12, 2012)

What time does Andy Murray get up at?

Around tennish

Whats does a napkin say when it's not ready to play tennis?

Dont serviette.

A man on the bus asked me today if I thought every sentence should contain a vegetable.

I told him not necesscelery.


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## Phil2511 (Jul 12, 2012)

A female golfer was stung by a wasp whilst on the front nine. The caring husband says when she returns home "Oh, where did it get you?""Between the first and second hole," the wife replies."I'd say your stance is too wide then," the husband replies.


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## Master-putter (Jul 13, 2012)

Phil2511 said:



			A female golfer was stung by a wasp whilst on the front nine. The caring husband says when she returns home "Oh, where did it get you?""Between the first and second hole," the wife replies."I'd say your stance is too wide then," the husband replies.
		
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I like it


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## Master-putter (Jul 13, 2012)

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain." [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" She told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnnoo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began to massage his groin. [/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]After a few moments she asked, "does that feel better?" The man looked up at her and replied, "yes, that feels pretty good ... but my thumb still hurts like hell!" [/FONT]


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## steviep (Jul 13, 2012)

A man is sat in the hospital A&E when a man walks in with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped around his neck, as he sits down the first man asks 'what happened to you?'

The man with the golf club around his neck replies 'well the good lady wife and I went out for a round of golf this morning and it started off pretty well.  We got to the third hole which runs alongside a farmers field with cows grazing in it. I tee off and hit one down the middle, then the lady wife tees off and hits it towards the farmers field, we didn't see it land but off we went to look for her ball.
We get to where we think the ball is and start looking, after a minute or so I see one of the cows looking a bit agitated so I walk towards the field and see that the wifes' golf ball lodged in the cows backside.  I walk over to the cow, lift up its tail, point at the golf ball and shout over to the wife "this looks like yours".  The next thing I remember is waking up in an ambulance outside this hospital...'


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## Doon frae Troon (Jul 13, 2012)

An American golfer is flying into Edinburgh airport for the first time.
As the plane banks he asks the guy sitting next to him, 'what's that stretch of water down there?'

'That's the Forth', says his fellow traveller.

Well, I heard these Scotch courses were tough but that carry is plumb crazy.


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## PhilTheFragger (Jul 13, 2012)

What do you get if you cross a Vibrator and a Chieftain Tank?




Page Down









Wait for it





An Armoured Dildo  

Fragger


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## golfsaint (Jul 14, 2012)

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.

The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.

Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.

The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?" 

The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."

The priest said, "And that's when you swore." 

The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree." 

The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?" 

The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away." 

The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"

The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole." 

The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the ****ing putt!!!"[/FONT]​


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## Doon frae Troon (Jul 14, 2012)

Goodness there are some truly ancient golf jokes being dragged out now. Wasp one was Jethro @1986. The swearing one has just reached it's golden jubilee.

For those who missed this on the Rangers thread.

Sky Sports have apologised to their Scottish customers
Information given out that Rangers matches will be in 3D is false, they will in fact be in D3.


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## Andy808 (Nov 15, 2012)

*Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.*


[TABLE]
[TR]
[TD]*A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find  Irish sausages?"  *


*The assistant replied, "Are you Irish?"*







*The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.*

*If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?*

*Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?*

*Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?*

*Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?*

*Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"* 



*The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."*



*The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausages, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"*



*The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."





*


[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]


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## williamalex1 (Nov 15, 2012)

while shopping for a new replacement toy ball for our shih tzu pup , my wife asked the salesman, do you have balls with dimples , it took a few seconds of us two guys wetting ourselves laughing and her with a blank look ,before it dawned on her . that was 15years ago and shes still getting teased about it


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## Lawrence22 (Nov 15, 2012)

What is E.T. short for?




It's cause he's got wee stumpy legs


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## MizunoGreyhound (Nov 15, 2012)

What do you call a Welshman with a stick up his backside?

A Taffy apple (Sorry)


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## Cherry13 (Nov 15, 2012)

What Cheese do you use to coax a bear down from a tree??? CAMEMBERT!!! (Come on bear)..... 

What did the mexican fire man call his sons??? JosA and JosB.....

What does a mexican call his cheese??? Nacho cheese  (NACH YOUR)

I'll get my coat!!!


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## Fish (Nov 15, 2012)

You get yer coat I'll call you a taxi.......


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## Cherry13 (Nov 15, 2012)

Fish said:



			You get yer coat I'll call you a taxi.......
		
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cheers fish!!


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## Andy808 (Nov 15, 2012)

Fish said:



			You get yer coat I'll call you a taxi.......
		
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Your a taxi!


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## HotDogAssassin (Nov 16, 2012)

Andy808 said:



			Your a taxi!
		
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No, you're a taxi!


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## Fish (Nov 16, 2012)

Heard some sad news today about Marti pellow from Wet Wet Wet, he's got Arthritis.

He feels it in his fingers, he feels it in his toes....


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## Paul_Stewart (Nov 16, 2012)

A policeman called his station for help complaining about "a big black bloke dancing on top of a car in the High Street".
"You can't use language like that over the air these days" came the reply.
"OK, Zulu.. Tango... Sierra"


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## Fish (Nov 16, 2012)

Thieves have stolen 20 crates of Red Bull from our local store, I don't know how these people sleep at night!


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## Dorian (Nov 17, 2012)

A couple who drove their car to ALDI, only to have their car break down in the car park.  The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.  On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.  Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.

The RAC mechanic however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.


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## Fish (Dec 6, 2012)

I used to feed Gorilla's at my local zoo from a distance with my golf club, I used to drive them Banana's.


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## Andy808 (Dec 6, 2012)

Fish said:



			I used to feed Gorilla's at my local zoo from a distance with my golf club, I used to drive them Banana's.
		
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Must try harder.


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## williamalex1 (Dec 6, 2012)

my old pal gavin killed himself by taking an overdose of antacid . so sadly gavisgone


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## PIng (Dec 6, 2012)

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.


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## wrighty1874 (Dec 6, 2012)

I rang 999 because two girls were fighting over me.The operator asked "what is the emergency?"I said "the fat one is winning"


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## richart (Dec 6, 2012)

Two blondes walked into a building...... you would have thought at least one of them would have seen it.





The late great Tommy Cooper


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## smange (Dec 6, 2012)

All we are having this year for Christmas dinner is Babybel



After all we are celebrating the birth of the baby cheeses


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## wrighty1874 (Dec 6, 2012)

When I was a kid,any time i had a sore throat,I was given a Halls soother to suck on. My uncle Stuart kept them in his pants!!!


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## wrighty1874 (Dec 6, 2012)

I'm so excited, it's only 3 Chelsea managers til Christmas!!


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## SocketRocket (Dec 6, 2012)

By 2015 you will never be more than 6 feet from an ex Chelsea Manager


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## SocketRocket (Dec 6, 2012)

I wouldn't say my Wife was fat but she burned her backside on the light bulb when she climbed over me in bed to answer the phone.


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## SocketRocket (Dec 6, 2012)

Talk about mixed emotions.  I saw my Mother in Law reversing my new car over a cliff the other day.


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## richart (Dec 6, 2012)

SocketRocket said:



			By 2015 you will never be more than 6 feet from an ex Chelsea Manager
		
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 Did you ever catch that rat ?


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## SocketRocket (Dec 6, 2012)

richart said:



			Did you ever catch that rat ?
		
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No, Im a dono what to do!

More on this later!


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## wrighty1874 (Dec 7, 2012)

Well it looks like Stuart Hall could get 5 years inside, 10 if the police play the Joker


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## Fish (Dec 8, 2012)

View attachment 3799


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## DavyW (Dec 9, 2012)

"It's me or the game" said the single football fans ex wife


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## Fish (Dec 11, 2012)

My missus has asked for something in silk for Christmas....No doubt this tin of emulsion will be the wrong bleeding colour!


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## JPH (Dec 11, 2012)

why did the lion get lost ? 





Cos jungle is massive


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## SocketRocket (Dec 11, 2012)

I went to this Zoo and they only had one dog in it!!!!

It was a Shih Tzu!!


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## DappaDonDave (Dec 11, 2012)

What's the difference between a joke and a temperature?

Nurses can take temperatures


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## SocketRocket (Dec 12, 2012)

Did you hear about the Israeli Kamikaze Pilot.   

Crashed his plane into his brother-in-laws scrap yard.


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## wrighty1874 (Dec 12, 2012)

The BBC has a new show starting next week.I'm a child, get this celebrity outta me!!!!


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## sawtooth (Dec 13, 2012)

What do you get if you eat Xmas decorations?









Tinsillitis !


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## Fish (Dec 16, 2012)

A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance..

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Cherie Blair. That evening, the man brought Cherie to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Cherie and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Cherie batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
*
*
*
*
*
He said, 'could you take the dog for a walk?'


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## Idlenorth1 (Dec 18, 2012)

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me! 

My girlfriend is a pornstar,
She is going to be so p####d off when she find out 

Courtesy of sickipedia


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## teetime72 (Dec 18, 2012)

A Farmer at a Welsh campsite was showing a camper to his pitch

when they came across a sheep struggling to get through a bramble

hedge back into the field , i t was wriggling it`s back end trying to free itself.

The camper said " I wish that was a  woman"

Replied the Farmer " I wish it was dark".


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## sawtooth (Dec 18, 2012)

The wife kept breaking the washing machine, so I divorced her and the washing machine hasn't since.










Its true what they say in the adverts then.



Washing machines live longer with cow gone.


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## williamalex1 (Dec 18, 2012)

whats the difference between complete and finished------answer  , your complete if you marry the right girl , your  finished if you marry the wrong girl , and your completely finished if the right girl finds you with the wrong girl


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## SocketRocket (Dec 18, 2012)

News Flash:

Someone has drilled a peep hole into the Ladies changing rooms at the local Gym.

The Police are looking into it!


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## JustOne (Dec 18, 2012)

A 4ft tarot reader recently escaped from prison, police said... "There's a small medium at large".


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## SocketRocket (Dec 18, 2012)

NEWS FLASH !!!!

Vandals have broken into the Police head Quarters and smashed up all the toilets!

A Police spokesman said 'At this time they have nothing to go on'


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## johnnyWilders (Dec 19, 2012)

sawtooth said:



			The wife kept breaking the washing machine, so I divorced her and the washing machine hasn't since.










Its true what they say in the adverts then.



Washing machines live longer with cow gone.
		
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That one made my day


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## Fish (Dec 19, 2012)

I'm sending you this message from my hospital bed.  Luckily, the doctors believe that I'm going to make a full recovery.

As a friend, I feel I must warn you.  The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!


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## PIng (Dec 19, 2012)

A dwarf walked into our golf club last week wearing a BNP tee-shirt. I thought "that's a little racist".


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## Chrisb83 (Dec 19, 2012)

Whats the best thing about sleeping with 37 year olds?

There's 30 of them!


People in yemen don't like the flintstones but people in abu dhabi do


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## stevelev (Dec 19, 2012)

The best one I've ever seen from north of the border.

Marriage Proposal


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## williamalex1 (Dec 20, 2012)

the Dr put my wife on a new pill and now we have sex every night, it dont matter what position were in , nothing wakes her .


if only


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## SocketRocket (Dec 21, 2012)

Bruce   "Sheila do you fancy some sex ?"

Sheila   "Na, Iv'e got a headache"

Bruce  "Do you mind if I have some then"


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