# What's the worst you have done under the influence?



## Rooter (May 14, 2016)

I am seriously in the dog house. Went out out last night, got home, woke up about 3am and decided to urinate on the sky box in the bedroom proceeding to trip the whole house electrics. Oops.


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## ColchesterFC (May 14, 2016)

I went out for a celebratory drink with my brother when his other half was pregnant and close to her due date. I had a couple too many and fell out of the taxi into a ditch. Brother dragged me out and into his house where I threw up everywhere. He then put me into bed. In my house you come out of the bedroom and turn right to find the bathroom. In his house that's his bedroom. His other half woke up with a scream in the middle of the night to find me drunk, naked and with my gentleman's sausage in my hand about to start seeing on her. I woke up horribly hungover the next day to find that she had gone into Labour and was blaming the shock of the night's events for it.


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## Stuart_C (May 14, 2016)

Rooter said:



			I am seriously in the dog house. Went out out last night, got home, woke up about 3am and decided to urinate on the sky box in the bedroom proceeding to trip the whole house electrics. Oops.
		
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:rofl: :rofl:


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## bluewolf (May 14, 2016)

I got overly drunk in Barcelona, forgot the name of my hotel, got lost, used my mobile to ring the Missus back in Blighty to try and find directions back to the only thing near the Hotel I could remember (A McDonalds).  Got told off, took a leak against a wall, got arrested, given a hiding by the Spanish Police, dropped off in the roughest part of town, had bottles and fireworks thrown at me from balconies, bought a Spanish sausage (not a euphemism) from an all night deli, finally flagged down a Taxi and promised him 50 euros if he'd take me back to Las Ramblas, was taken 100 yards round the corner to Las Ramblas :angry:, suffered an attempted mugging by some of the local night workers, finally found the hotel and realized that I was only a few hundred yards away at the start of my "adventure"..

To top it all off, when I got home, I was stung with a Â£180 mobile phone bill..... Pricey night out....


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## Neilds (May 14, 2016)

A big local lass in Elgin, love tattooed on her knuckles - had to run in the morning&#128561;


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## Hobbit (May 14, 2016)

I'd rather not say the worst one, as the forum saints will castigate me to high heaven.

The second worst one was putting a pan of stew on at 2am, then going to bed. The pan actually had a hole burnt through it, and the kitchen was full of smoke when the whole house debunked outside in their jarmies.

Oh, and the worst one. Coming in 3 sheets to the wind, with a full load of Theakston's Old Peculiar. Deciding to take my Dolomite Sprint out for a blast wasn't wise. Pulled onto the A19 and floored it. Just got up to warp factor 7 when I saw blue lights come on behind me.

He shot past me as I sobered up to the fact I would have been bang to rights way over. I came off at the next junction, parked up and called a taxi from the first phone box I found.

37 years ago and not DD'd since.


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## Imurg (May 14, 2016)

Back in the day, one of my mates from school lived on the Isle of Wight and boarded at the school. Once he left, he worked in town so stayed.
2 other mates, myself and him decided it would be a good idea to have a holiday camping in his back garden in The.
First night we, of course, got completely blathered and started staggering home along the sea front.
One of us, not me, decided it was time for a leak so stood on the sea wall and proceeded to try to increase the volume of water in the Solent.
Now that's a good idea, we all thought so joined him.
30 seconds later we were in the back of a Police van on our way to the station... Someone had complained about the excessive noise and the Boys in Blue were watching us...
Back at the station, the local gave his name and address first followed by one of the others.
As soon as he said High Wycombe the Sergeant just said " Bloody Tourists" slammed the book shut and warned us that if he even saw us in the next week we were in trouble....
I think we got lucky coz we stayed fairly well oiled for the whole week.....:thup::cheers:


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## FairwayDodger (May 14, 2016)

Got on a train from Glasgow central to East Kilbride and fell asleep. Woke up and the train was still on the platform at central. Only problem was that I'd been to EK and back again, slept through the whole journey.


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## Doon frae Troon (May 14, 2016)

Around midnight on a freezing cold beautiful frosty full moon night, I fancied walking the six miles home along the beach. 
Even worse idea as it was a full tide, I was not wearing a coat and the shoes were thin winkle pickers
Scrambling over iced over rocks was not for the faint hearted so after 2 miles I gave up and re-traced my steps back to a sobering eight mile walk home.


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## Pathetic Shark (May 14, 2016)

Took Gary Imlach, then of Channel 4, now of Tour de France fame, into the legendary Mons Venus strip club in Tampa in 1997 and paid for him to have a lap dance.  All I could see were his hands round her arse and a comment of "you b*****d, I've got to be on a plane to Atlanta in three hours!"    The rest of the night was a drunken haze.


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## Joff (May 14, 2016)

Managed 5 pints, a double vodka and a jagerbomb before teeing off on our Easter Sunday Stableford.  I can remember teeing off on the first (nailed it), and the approach (2nd) flying over the green by 20 yards. That's it. 17 points.


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## Fish (May 14, 2016)

How long you got.....&#128563;


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## USER1999 (May 14, 2016)

On a bender in Southsea, broke into the castle, trashed a cafe, and then got arrested for letting down coach tyres in the car park. Eejit. Especially for hiring under a rapidly deflating coach.

Banged up over night by the Portsmouth Police for D and D when found sleeping in the middle of a round about.

Walking home from the golf club in December,  in the dark, taking a short cut through the woods. All was going well, until I stuck my foot down a rabbit hole. I fell over, stood up, fell over, and found out I couldn't put any weight on my left ankle. I'm in the middle of the woods, in a suit, it's minus 2, and I'm bladdered. 
Eventually gimped home, freezing cold, and woke up in the morning, front door wide open, muddy foot prints through the house, me on top of the duvet, in my suit, coated in mud, with the knees ripped out. Luckily, Mrs mogs was visiting the parents. She will never know!


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## HomerJSimpson (May 14, 2016)

On a walk home from a big night out it started lashing down. Saw a glass porch with all the lights in the house off so decided to quietly try the door and wait for the rain to stop. Fell asleep and decided to make a hasty exit in broad daylight about 6.00am wondering how many people had seen me. Mate of mine urinated in a filing cabinet at a staff office party in the 80's


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## SaintHacker (May 14, 2016)

Mrs had her sister stay over one night a few years ago. I came in from pub bladdered, apparently I stripped off to go to bed, naked, but got in the wrong bed. Sis in law extremely embarrassed, wife extremely angry!
Took a bit of grovelling to be forgiven for that one!


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## USER1999 (May 14, 2016)

SaintHacker said:



			Mrs had her sister stay over one night a few years ago. I came in from pub bladdered, apparently I stripped off to go to bed, naked, but got in the wrong bed. Sis in law extremely embarrassed, wife extremely angry!
Took a bit of grovelling to be forgiven for that one!
		
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Are you sure that was a mistake?


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## SaintHacker (May 14, 2016)

murphthemog said:



			Are you sure that was a mistake?
		
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Very sure!


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## SocketRocket (May 14, 2016)

SaintHacker said:



			Mrs had her sister stay over one night a few years ago. I came in from pub bladdered, apparently I stripped off to go to bed, naked, but got in the wrong bed. Sis in law extremely embarrassed, wife extremely angry!
Took a bit of grovelling to be forgiven for that one!
		
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Oh well! at least it wasn't the Mother in Law


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## chippa1909 (May 14, 2016)

Had a **** in the bidet.


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## SaintHacker (May 14, 2016)

chippa1909 said:



			Had a **** in the bidet.
		
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Ladies and gentlemen we have a winner! :rofl:


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## GB72 (May 14, 2016)

Always remember the night of my wife's work Xmas do. I can do nothing DIY based at all but I managed to throw up, block a sink, remove the u bend, clear it out and replace all in full dinner jacket. Oh and there was the night I came home with a full traffic light.


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## Jimaroid (May 14, 2016)

Friend's kid had a birthday party at their house, big bunch of parents and children of all ages about and I got carried away on the gin with a mate. I don't remember how I got home. Turns out I'd stood in the middle of the living room with all the kids and shouted out the c-bomb as some sort of dare. Mrs had to bundle me in a taxi. Pretty sure I've never been forgiven for that.  

I've also woken up in a&e, bushes, graveyards, wrong train stations, sheds, tried to get into the wrong house one time, urinated on the TV and eaten some cow pat as a result of drink. 

I try not to drink much any more.


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## USER1999 (May 14, 2016)

Back on the day,  I remember my dad getting questioned in the morning.
Did you have few beers last night?
Not many.
Did you drive home drunk?
No.
Why is there a bollard stuck under your car?


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## Lincoln Quaker (May 14, 2016)

Jimaroid said:



			Friend's kid had a birthday party at their house, big bunch of parents and children of all ages about and I got carried away on the gin with a mate. I don't remember how I got home. Turns out I'd stood in the middle of the living room with all the kids and shouted out the c-bomb as some sort of dare. Mrs had to bundle me in a taxi. Pretty sure I've never been forgiven for that.  

I've also woken up in a&e, bushes, graveyards, wrong train stations, sheds, tried to get into the wrong house one time, urinated on the TV and eaten some cow pat as a result of drink. 

I try not to drink much any more.
		
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you need to come along to the h4h event, you could team up with stuc and Pnwokingham. You would fit in a treat


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## Spear-Chucker (May 14, 2016)

Vomited on a policewoman's shoes. She was more tolerant than I deserved.


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## Green Bay Hacker (May 14, 2016)

Probably not the worst as most are not suitable for here but it was pretty bad/funny. In 1998 we were on holiday in Sydney and I'd been to watch Australia V South Korea with one of my daughters and had had a few Victoria Bitters. We got back to our motel in the suburb of Lidcombe and I said I would go and get pizza from round the corner for HID and the two girls.

Well, there was a pub next door to the pizza shop so I had another couple before getting the food. 45 minutes later I got back to the motel room but all the lights were off. I opened the door, pronounced I was back and put the lights on. An Chinese gentleman then sat up in bed and looked at me and my first thought was wtf are you doing in bed with my mrs but a Chinese lady then sat up, looked at me and screamed. Oh crap, I'm in the wrong room. The doors were all on the outside of the building and I'd gone to the wrong floor. That'll teach them to lock the doors in future.

On a footnote, while we were at the game earlier in the night I got the Aussie manager, Terry Venables, to pose for a picture with my daughter at the side of the pitch and as he was walking over he put his foot into an open channel that housed the TV cables causing him to fall over and almost break his ankle. Pretty sure he would remember that as well.


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## bobmac (May 15, 2016)

Got stuffed 7&6


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## patricks148 (May 15, 2016)

a friend of mine from school, used to sleep walk while under the influence.

trouble was he liked to have a pee while having a wonder. he pee'd on his brother a number of times, not to mention the wardrobe and his parents  :rofl:

modesty prevents me from admitting my own indiscretions


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## ScienceBoy (May 15, 2016)

Got so drunk once I ordered a kebab.

Never again!


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## Sponge1980 (May 15, 2016)

In my 2nd year at university I shared a flat with 2 guys from the halls of residence and one of their brothers. The parents of the 2 brothers owned the flat. 2 of us went home for the summer so a couple of girls we knew rented our rooms for the summer. One the night the 2 brothers had gone out and got hammered. When they came home one went straight to bed, the other went to kitchen and filled all the cereal boxes with toilet roll then went to the girls rooms and took a dump in the corner of each one. When they came home to discover what he had done they refused to pay the rent that month and rather than tell his parents why he threw them out.


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## Sponge1980 (May 15, 2016)

patricks148 said:



			a friend of mine from school, used to sleep walk while under the influence.

trouble was he liked to have a pee while having a wonder. he pee'd on his brother a number of times, not to mention the wardrobe and his parents  :rofl:

modesty prevents me from admitting my own indiscretions

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I once woke up the middle of night still drunk to go for pee. Took a wrong turn out my bedroom, went out the door of my flat, across the landing and into my next door neighbours house. Came to standing in his hallway in just my boxer shorts. Thankfully he wasn't home. I went back in the morning to check I hadn't peed on his floor, luckily I hadn't.


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## davemc1 (May 16, 2016)

I had an incident the first and only time I had a champagne session. I told stuc about it, he recommend I never ever tell anyone else



 :rofl:


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## brendy (May 16, 2016)

Skewered my foot climbing over a park fence while taking a shortcut home. Morning after, waking up and climbing out of bed to fall flat on my face wasn't very entertaining. Cleaning the bloodsoaked sheets was no party neither. I just get a taxi these days.


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## irip (May 16, 2016)

I got mullered one night and when i woke up to my horror i discovered i had joined.........This Forum


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## Fyldewhite (May 16, 2016)

At a house party aged 16 and after my introduction to whisky I proceeded to projectile vomit over the record player.


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## Slab (May 16, 2016)

Was in Spain and took my bossâ€™s Merc and opened it up among traffic, whoâ€™d a thunk it I only went and hit another Mercedes! 

Managed to shift most of the blame onto the other bloke though :thup:


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## Rooter (May 16, 2016)

Well I am looking for a new Sky+ box. Seems that cider infused urine and Technology do not mix..


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## Ethan (May 16, 2016)

Slab said:



			Was in Spain and took my bossâ€™s Merc and opened it up among traffic, whoâ€™d a thunk it I only went and hit another Mercedes! 

Managed to shift most of the blame onto the other bloke though :thup:
		
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Always hilarious to take too much drink and then recklessly drive a car causing an accident. Did you consider also running someone over just to put the cherry on it? Maybe you would have got away with that too?


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## WillC (May 16, 2016)

Last year I brought a 'For Sale' house sign home. Must've ripped it out the ground and carried it home.


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## Kellfire (May 16, 2016)

Ah so many stories, not enough time left on my lunch break.

Some crackers on here so far, mind. I'll ponder which I wanna share...


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## Slab (May 16, 2016)

Slab said:



			Was in Spain and took my bossâ€™s Merc and opened it up among traffic, whoâ€™d a thunk it I only went and hit another Mercedes! 

Managed to shift most of the blame onto the other bloke though :thup:
		
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Ethan said:



			Always hilarious to take too much drink and then recklessly drive a car causing an accident. Did you consider also running someone over just to put the cherry on it? Maybe you would have got away with that too?
		
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Oops no offense intended. Didn't think anyone was actually talking any of the posts on this thread seriously

Missed the grand prix then did ya!


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## toyboy54 (May 16, 2016)

On the subject of jumping into bed when under the influence.....did it on my 30th birthday party(which I think was a really good night)  as went out for a meal with the then wife and  then back home for a surprise party with all sorts of folk there,anyway lots of lager and a few whiskies were taken,stumbled upstairs to bed .....only problem was the mother-in -law was in it!!!!Had went to toilet and taken wrong turning being slightly disorientated.....Lets just say that she soon woke up.
There was a rather embarrassed silence at breakfast next morning!!!

Jimbo


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## Smiffy (May 17, 2016)

1995, Centenary year at Crowborough Beacon.
Played in a big competition during the week, had arranged for my then missus to come and pick me up at midnight.
Got absolutely legless and went outside to wait for her.
The ladies at the club had made two beautiful flower arrangements in two troughs outside the clubhouse, one said 1895 the other 1995.
I needed to sit down and without thinking plonked myself down right in the middle of 1995 completely wrecking the display.
Unfortunately somebody saw me do it, and I got a right telling off a few days later from the Captain........


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## stokie_93 (May 17, 2016)

Me and a friend when we had just turned 18 went out in Manchester.

We got a taxi back knowing we had no money, gave a fake name, fake number the lot.

Planned our escape route running away (another friend had a good garden that backed on to the main road).

Thought we'd gotten away with it the next day until I checked my phone and had 20 odd missed calls - I clearly booked the taxi off my own mobile number and totally forgotten.

Taxi driver demanded triple the pay or he'll report us to the police...


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## Rooter (May 17, 2016)

stokie_93 said:



			Me and a friend when we had just turned 18 went out in Manchester.

We got a taxi back knowing we had no money, gave a fake name, fake number the lot.

Planned our escape route running away (another friend had a good garden that backed on to the main road).

Thought we'd gotten away with it the next day until I checked my phone and had 20 odd missed calls - I clearly booked the taxi off my own mobile number and totally forgotten.

Taxi driver demanded triple the pay or he'll report us to the police...
		
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Two of my mates tried the same, however mate #1 didnt realise that mate #2 had fallen asleep by the time they got to their exit point and just opened the door and legged it leaving his fast asleep in the back!


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## stokie_93 (May 17, 2016)

Rooter said:



			Two of my mates tried the same, however mate #1 didnt realise that mate #2 had fallen asleep by the time they got to their exit point and just opened the door and legged it leaving his fast asleep in the back!
		
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brilliant :rofl:
it's safe to say I wasn't the cleverest drunk 5 years ago.

I'm still not now tbh...


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## philly169 (May 17, 2016)

My worst experience was when I went out with the wife and some mutual friends. I decided that I would drink red wine instead of beer and thought buying a bottle would be easier as i wouldn't have to keep going to the bar. Drinking at a similar pace to when drinking beer, 3/4's of the bottle was done before wifey had finished her glass of white.

A mate then entered the pub a bought me two shots of tequila.

We then carried on into a local bar with music and coloured lights where i got on the shorts. Before long i was dancing gangnam style in the doorway of the bar, for about 10 minutes.

Once we left, the taxi was taking some of our group home first and I began to feel queezy. Asked the driver to stop and get me on the way back. Proceeded to vomit outside of the school gates and await the taxi's return. When he returned one of our friends had given my wife a bright pink bucket for me just in case.


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## philly169 (May 17, 2016)

Rooter said:



			Well I am looking for a new Sky+ box. Seems that cider infused urine and Technology do not mix..
		
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Did you try putting it in a bowl of rice...


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## Junior (May 17, 2016)

I can't remember her name.


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## irip (May 18, 2016)

Junior said:



			I can't remember his name.
		
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Edited for youoo:


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## srixon 1 (May 18, 2016)

Had the chance to play in a 3some once, but fell asleep.


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## Alex1975 (May 18, 2016)

Rooter said:



			I am seriously in the dog house. Went out out last night, got home, woke up about 3am and decided to urinate on the sky box in the bedroom proceeding to trip the whole house electrics. Oops.
		
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This is funny as hell!!

I shall not be telling you the worst thing as it might get me locked up but:

I was on a French exchange as a child. Could not speak a word of French. Was staying in a high rise block of flats with a family. It was HARD work as we could not converse. Long story short, they got me drunk on red wine and that night I was sick out the window. Thank god the next day was the day we were going home. As we drove away I looked out the back window of the car and there was a red wine stain running from my window about 6 stories to the ground.... Oooops.


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## Junior (May 18, 2016)

irip said:



			Edited for youoo:
		
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:rofl:


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