# The Mental Health Thread



## DanFST (Aug 6, 2020)

I think it's important to have a discussion ongoing and to have a visual thread here that can help prompt someone into writing a message instead of keeping it in, whether it be about depression, anxiety, loss etc. It could even just be posting how you are doing out of 10. No judgement, just a place to vent.  I think the anonymity of the forum really helps.


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## Dando (Aug 6, 2020)

I’ve struggled with depression for about 2 years now and have some really bad days.
Even with lock down and everything the bad days are not as often as they used to be


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## GB72 (Aug 6, 2020)

I have been through cognitive behavioral therapy for stress and anxiety. Took a long time to get over the the attitudes drilled in to me as a child of the less enlightened '70s (pull your self together and get on with it). The only time mental health was acknowledged when I was younger was if someone had a full breakdown. Coping mechanisms like closet alcoholism remained prevalent and have also impacted on people in my life. 

Still suffer from stress and work related anxiety at times but feel better able to deal with it. 

Always at the other end of a direct message is anyone needs me.


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## IanM (Aug 6, 2020)

My mum is 81.  Several medical problems.. lock down was very hard for her, then she got worse and was admitted to hospital from 2nd May till 20th July....home for a few days, couldn't manage so has gone into a Care Home where she's been in isolation in case of C-19.   So, since March, all her clubs, socials and shopping trips cancelled.  Then in a hospital ward, no visitors.    (and she's the thick end of 3 hours drive away too)

So, of course this week she as really rebelled, demanded to go home, called my sister and I all sorts of names for "putting her in there." (wasn't our call)  So, really worried about her state of mind....

And me?  After the past few months/weeks of the above.... brain is pretty fried to be honest.  I've had issues in the past, not for 10 years or so, but I am feeling some familiar feelings, but hopefully know how to deal with it... 

other than with my mum, lockdown has been a breeze...


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## GB72 (Aug 6, 2020)

Burnout is something to keep an eye on. For those working through lockdown, there has been little to no opportunity to take time off and with holidays cancelled as well, people are just getting on with it. I know that I have not had a day's holiday since October last year so am getting a bit fried now. Trouble is, my wife has been on furlough for the last 4 months and has just got a new job and so she is going to need to settle for a few months before she can take time off.


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## IanM (Aug 6, 2020)

Yep, I usually have "Non-invoice" days in the 40s each year... might not get past 20 this year, even if I take 2 weeks off next month.   It's too easy to sit in the home office till late too!


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## chrisd (Aug 6, 2020)

Dando said:



			I’ve struggled with depression for about 2 years now and have some really bad days.
Even with lock down and everything the bad days are not as often as they used to be
		
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Let's hope the trend continues to less and less bad days


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## PhilTheFragger (Aug 6, 2020)

It’s well documented here that a couple of years ago I had a serious medical accident that caused massive internal bleeding requiring major surgery and 3 x my body volume in blood transfusions. 

Somehow I’m still here, but the aftermath on my mental health was not good, diagnosed with traumatic stress I had reoccurring night terrors leading to being scared to sleep leading to being unable to function properly.

Tried CBT which didn’t do much, then a different therapist tried EMDR, which hit the spot and now I have no bad dreams and I consider myself cured.

But what it has done is made me aware that if it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone.

Gone are the days of “ pull yourself together “ 

If anyone feels that they need to talk
Just PM 👍


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## SocketRocket (Aug 6, 2020)

I have one of my children who is now in their early 40s suffer with their mental health, at times because of distance I have needed to call the Police and Ambulance to break onto their property because of the fear of what's happening. This has been going on for over ten years on and off and at times can be completely draining.  All you can do is stick in there and let them know you wont give up on them what ever happens.


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## Deleted Member 1156 (Aug 6, 2020)

I'm old school, I just deal with it.


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## jim8flog (Aug 6, 2020)

Having had bouts of depression since my late teenage years I wish somebody had told me to seek help much earlier in my life. It was not until we went as a family in my early 30s I learnt the benefit of just talking about it to someone.

One of my golfing mates would not take advice and he is now in a hospital because it became too much for him. He now suffers from dementia and I feel very strongly that the onset came because he would not seek advice when he was at his worst.


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## PhilTheFragger (Aug 6, 2020)

drive4show said:



			I'm old school, I just deal with it.
		
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Well good for you, I hope that you never get to the point where you need to seek help.

I used to think I was too mentally strong to be affected , I was wrong


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## Deleted Member 1156 (Aug 6, 2020)

PhilTheFragger said:



			Well good for you, I hope that you never get to the point where you need to seek help.

I used to think I was too mentally strong to be affected , I was wrong
		
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That was a very harsh uncaring response. I feel like I need counseling now.


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## JamesR (Aug 6, 2020)

drive4show said:



			That was a very harsh uncaring response. I feel like I need counseling now.
		
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You need some sort of stress relief 😉


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## Wolf (Aug 6, 2020)

drive4show said:



			That was a very harsh uncaring response. I feel like I need counseling now.
		
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I get you're being light hearted and also have your own way of dealing with things but given the nature of the thread and considering many on here and elsewhere will have had counselling that's a rather tasteless flippant response.


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## Lilyhawk (Aug 6, 2020)

drive4show said:



			That was a very harsh uncaring response. I feel like I need counseling now.
		
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I think that you can and should joke about just about everything, including mental health. Perhaps not in this thread though. 

Personally, I’ve struggled on and off with depression and anxiety pretty much my whole adult life. No longer on anti depressants, but not ruling it out that I might need it later on in life. I’m not very good at handling stress, which usually leads me to become somewhat manic in other areas to try and “forget” about the things in life which is hard, which in turn makes it worse as you start missing deadlines etc. 

Have just changed jobs in the hope it won’t be as stressful as my last one. A week in and so far it looks like a company which isn’t as full on as my last one. We’ll see if that continues.


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## Deleted Member 1156 (Aug 6, 2020)

Serious thread or not, too many people think the most trivial of things are major issues.


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## Wolf (Aug 6, 2020)

I consider myself rather fortunate when it comes to my own mental health, despite the many things I've seen and done throughout my career I've been one of the lucky ones to remain unaffected. I've always just hit the gym or pounded the pavements when I've been feeling a bit low and it always improves my mood immediately.

However i have seen so many friends struggled with PTSD that in the early days just weren't given the support they needed and in many cases were deemed weak for it. The forces effectively just discharged them and tossed them aside as mentally unwell for service. Thank that's changed and in recent years mental health awareness has come on leaps and bounds in all walks of life and I've been lucky enough to work with many people since that have come through the adversity posed by it and now help others.

I've also witnessed first hand severe post natal depression of my ex partner where even having a beautiful baby girl wasn't enough to think life is worth living. Its a brutal non visual killer that is totally indiscriminate. I may not know how it feels personally but if anyone ever wants a chat I'm a good listener so feel free to PM me.


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## SocketRocket (Aug 6, 2020)

drive4show said:



			Serious thread or not, too many people think the most trivial of things are major issues.
		
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Gordon, that's probably because their mind works different to yours. It's a real illness and and often a killer.


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## Deleted Member 1156 (Aug 6, 2020)

SocketRocket said:



			Gordon, that's probably because their mind works different to yours. It's a real illness and and often a killer.
		
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Brian I don't consider myself different to anyone else, I just keep things in perspective 👍


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## bigslice (Aug 6, 2020)

PhilTheFragger said:



			It’s well documented here that a couple of years ago I had a serious medical accident that caused massive internal bleeding requiring major surgery and 3 x my body volume in blood transfusions.

Somehow I’m still here, but the aftermath on my mental health was not good, diagnosed with traumatic stress I had reoccurring night terrors leading to being scared to sleep leading to being unable to function properly.

Tried CBT which didn’t do much, then a different therapist tried EMDR, which hit the spot and now I have no bad dreams and I consider myself cured.

But what it has done is made me aware that if it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone.

Gone are the days of “ pull yourself together “

If anyone feels that they need to talk
Just PM 👍
		
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whats EMDR?


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## DanFST (Aug 6, 2020)

drive4show said:



			Brian I don't consider myself different to anyone else, I just keep things in perspective 👍
		
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It's great you've lived a sheltered life, very jealous.


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## PhilTheFragger (Aug 6, 2020)

bigslice said:



			whats EMDR?
		
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Courtesy of wiki

*Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing *

*Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing*(*EMDR*) is a form of psychotherapy developed by Francine Shapiro starting in 1988 in which the person being treated is asked to recall distressing images; the therapist then directs the patient in one type of bilateral stimulation, such as side-to-side eye movements or hand tapping.[1] According to the 2013 World Health Organization practice guideline: "This therapy [EMDR] is based on the idea that negative thoughts, feelings and behaviours are the result of unprocessed memories. The treatment involves standardized procedures that include focusing simultaneously on (a) spontaneous associations of traumatic images, thoughts, emotions and bodily sensations and (b) bilateral stimulation that is most commonly in the form of repeated eye movements."[2]
EMDR is included in several evidence-based guidelines for the treatment of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).[3][2][4] As of 2020, the American Psychological Association lists EMDR as an evidence-based treatment for PTSD[5] but stresses that "the available evidence can be interpreted in several ways" and notes there is debate about the precise mechanism by which EMDR appears to relieve PTSD symptoms with some evidence EMDR may simply be a variety of exposure therapy.[6]


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## bigslice (Aug 6, 2020)

PhilTheFragger said:



			Courtesy of wiki

*Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing *

*Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing*(*EMDR*) is a form of psychotherapy developed by Francine Shapiro starting in 1988 in which the person being treated is asked to recall distressing images; the therapist then directs the patient in one type of bilateral stimulation, such as side-to-side eye movements or hand tapping.[1] According to the 2013 World Health Organization practice guideline: "This therapy [EMDR] is based on the idea that negative thoughts, feelings and behaviours are the result of unprocessed memories. The treatment involves standardized procedures that include focusing simultaneously on (a) spontaneous associations of traumatic images, thoughts, emotions and bodily sensations and (b) bilateral stimulation that is most commonly in the form of repeated eye movements."[2]
EMDR is included in several evidence-based guidelines for the treatment of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).[3][2][4] As of 2020, the American Psychological Association lists EMDR as an evidence-based treatment for PTSD[5] but stresses that "the available evidence can be interpreted in several ways" and notes there is debate about the precise mechanism by which EMDR appears to relieve PTSD symptoms with some evidence EMDR may simply be a variety of exposure therapy.[6]

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ahhh , i cud have googled but best u tell us, for a moment i had E standing for electric😱 till u replied.


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## Deleted Member 1156 (Aug 6, 2020)

DanFST said:



			It's great you've lived a sheltered life, very jealous.
		
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I haven't, maybe that's why I can deal with things.


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## SocketRocket (Aug 6, 2020)

drive4show said:



			Brian I don't consider myself different to anyone else, I just keep things in perspective 👍
		
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But you are different to many people, some dont have legs or arms  some have chronic illness and conditions that disable them severely, they may keep things in perspective but the reality of that is their lives are more difficult to live. Mental illness is the same, look at the number of suicides from people with mental health issues. My Brother in law hung himself at 38, maybe he should have kept things in perspective?


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## patricks148 (Aug 6, 2020)

i do feel very down and depressed today, but that might be because i've spent the afternoon watching England cricket


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## Jamesbrown (Aug 6, 2020)

There should be no stigma around suicide.

If you want to leave then you should be free of passing any emotional or financial burden to anyone.

And it should be legal.


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## Dando (Aug 6, 2020)

chrisd said:



			Let's hope the trend continues to less and less bad days
		
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Thanks mate


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## SocketRocket (Aug 6, 2020)

Jamesbrown said:



			There should be no stigma around suicide.

If you want to leave then you should be free of passing any emotional or financial burden to anyone.

And it should be legal.
		
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That's fine if their mind and judgement is clear but unfortunatly it's often not.  Maybe you need to have someone close to you do it to understand that.


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## robinthehood (Aug 6, 2020)

SocketRocket said:



			But you are different to many people, some dont have legs or arms  some have chronic illness and conditions that disable them severely, they may keep things in perspective but the reality of that is their lives are more difficult to live. Mental illness is the same, look at the number of suicides from people with mental health issues. My Brother in law hung himself at 38, maybe he should have kept things in perspective?
		
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My big brother was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia , he took his own life in the end . I often wonder if I could've done more and saved him. 20 years on and sometimes it still feels like it happened yesterday.


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## Dando (Aug 6, 2020)

My biggest issue, when I’m struggling is thinking everything and everyone is against me.
I could’ve easily ended it all back in Feb when nothing made sense and I could only see one way of dealing with my issues and for the girls not to see how bad I was


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## TheDiablo (Aug 6, 2020)

drive4show said:



			I'm old school, I just deal with it.
		
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Ive never had cancer, I just deal with it.


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## SocketRocket (Aug 6, 2020)

robinthehood said:



			My big brother was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia , he took his own life in the end . I often wonder if I could've done more and saved him. 20 years on and sometimes it still feels like it happened yesterday.
		
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That's what happens, you look to yourself to see if you should have done more or seen the signs.


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## TheDiablo (Aug 6, 2020)

I'm very fortunate in that my mental health is very good generally, although at times has been tested during lockdown working in a small home office with a toddler in the house 

My wife suffers from anxiety, had an awful flare up after getting sepsis 6 weeks postnatal which probably took close to a year to get over. CBT was great for her. Still has anxiety challenges but incredibly proud of how she handles it and recent times incl lockdown have been largely very good. My brother also struggles from time to time with depression and anxiety, although not too seriously. 

For those of us fortunate to not suffer, educate yourselves. The absolute worst response is along the lines 'man up', 'get on with it' 'you're not hurt' etc

In fact, with mental health being so well highlighted these days, the most polite way of describing people with those attitudes is selfish and obnoxious


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## chrisd (Aug 6, 2020)

Dando said:



			My biggest issue, when I’m struggling is thinking everything and everyone is against me.
I could’ve easily ended it all back in Feb when nothing made sense and I could only see one way of dealing with my issues and for the girls not to see how bad I was
		
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I'm not going to pretend that I have any answers to the illness that is mental health, but I do know there are many on this forum who would be deeply upset if you chose to give up the fight as you are a pleasure to play golf with, and be around


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## Jamesbrown (Aug 6, 2020)

SocketRocket said:



			That's fine if their mind and judgement is clear but unfortunatly it's often not.  Maybe you need to have someone close to you do it to understand that.
		
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Agree with your first sentence. I should of added it on my post. 
Your second sentence I don’t need to understand, I live it.


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## Lazkir (Aug 7, 2020)

drive4show said:



			I'm old school, I just deal with it.
		
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Very flippant, and hopefully made in jest. I'm the same, I've been fortunate to be just like you in some respects, I just get on with it.

But try and recognise how lucky you are, I know I do.

;


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## DanFST (Aug 7, 2020)

drive4show said:



			I haven't, maybe that's why I can deal with things.
		
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Will happily talk to you over PM. But can you exit this thread as you are not contributing apart from showing how manly you are


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## Deleted Member 1156 (Aug 7, 2020)

DanFST said:



			Will happily talk to you over PM. But can you exit this thread as you are not contributing apart from showing how manly you are
		
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I am not trying to belittle this very serious thread in any way. If I told you some of my life experiences I would probably fall into high risk groups for mental health issues but there are simple and effective ways for dealing with things. Keep things in perspective, appreciate what you have in life, there is always someone worse off than you etc etc. The list of cliches is endless.

But as this is your thread I'll butt out now as requested.


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## Deleted member 16999 (Aug 7, 2020)

I’ve been involved with mental health issues/problems on both sides of the table for many years.

We are far better now than we’ve ever been in dealing with it or discussing it and there is still a long long way to go.

I have no issue with D4S’s posts as none of us have walked in his shoes and I’d argue we/this thread needs people like him to contribute in the way he has so others can reply and discuss the different ways we cope.

To close him down helps no one, especially Gordon himself.

Helping him or educating him (in your opinion) may help others.

Nobody should be excluded from these discussions, somebody out there might just get the help or inspiration from discussing the subject, warts and all.


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## jim8flog (Aug 7, 2020)

drive4show said:



			Serious thread or not, too many people think the most trivial of things are major issues.
		
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That comment in itself shows a lack of understanding about the problem.

It is one of the signs that there is a problem


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## robinthehood (Aug 7, 2020)

PhilTheFragger said:



			It’s well documented here that a couple of years ago I had a serious medical accident that caused massive internal bleeding requiring major surgery and 3 x my body volume in blood transfusions.

Somehow I’m still here, but the aftermath on my mental health was not good, diagnosed with traumatic stress I had reoccurring night terrors leading to being scared to sleep leading to being unable to function properly.

Tried CBT which didn’t do much, then a different therapist tried EMDR, which hit the spot and now I have no bad dreams and I consider myself cured.

But what it has done is made me aware that if it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone.

Gone are the days of “ pull yourself together “

If anyone feels that they need to talk
Just PM 👍
		
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Just as long as its not me eh fam.


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## Deleted member 16999 (Aug 7, 2020)

Maybe we just shouldn’t be so judgemental when it comes to mental health, we are all different and there isn’t a “one size fits all” answer.

People have varying coping strategies, some of which could possibly be the exact opposite of what “we” as individuals need.


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## PhilTheFragger (Aug 7, 2020)

robinthehood said:



			Just as long as its not me eh fam. 

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Help and advice is freely offered, however it is up to the individual if they ignore it or not, its a free country


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## stefanovic (Aug 8, 2020)

When you're depressed and think things can only get better, you're wrong.
They can only tend to get worse. That's the way the Universe works.
The worst is yet to come.


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## SocketRocket (Aug 8, 2020)

PhilTheFragger said:



			Help and advice is freely offered, however it is up to the individual if they ignore it or not, its a free country
		
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The problem with that is when someones mind is not fuctioning rationally logic is often not logical.


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## Dando (Aug 8, 2020)

SocketRocket said:



			The problem with that is when someones mind is not fuctioning rationally logic is often not logical.
		
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I 100% agree with this. I had an issue at work and the only thing I could think of to sort it out was to lie and that would’ve ruined my career.
A 20 minute chat with my boss and an  open conversation with the insurers and all was sorted.


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## robinthehood (Aug 8, 2020)

SocketRocket said:



			The problem with that is when someones mind is not fuctioning rationally logic is often not logical.
		
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Indeed,what can seem like something trivial to the casual observer, can often be causing great distress.
I've been dealing with mental illness in one form or another all my life, people are talking about it more now which is good, but the times  i've made an effort to discuss and seek assistance have sadly been met with ignorance and prejudice.


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## birdyhunter (Aug 8, 2020)

DanFST said:



			Will happily talk to you over PM. But can you exit this thread as you are not contributing apart from showing how manly you are
		
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I was manly, I was an Alpha Male with a good job, friends, social life... I thought I had it all.   And yes, I would probably have posted that 'it's not an issue, I can deal with it".

4 years ago my wife contracted breast cancer which spread to her lymph nodes and her health deterioriated over 2 years after which she passed away.

I'm now left with 2 teenagers who have no mother, their life has fallen apart and all the normal things in life like having parents watch you get exam results, jobs, get married, won't happen.

I thought I could cope.  I though I was the guy that said, 'it's not an issue, I can cope with it', but believe me, it's not always that way.


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## DanFST (Aug 9, 2020)

drive4show said:



			I am not trying to belittle this very serious thread in any way. If I told you some of my life experiences I would probably fall into high risk groups for mental health issues but there are simple and effective ways for dealing with things. Keep things in perspective, appreciate what you have in life, there is always someone worse off than you etc etc. The list of cliches is endless.
		
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I only kicked off as that's a stigma we need to get rid of, it's dangerous mate.

I too used to be too manly to admit I had a problem. Unfortunately in a month span I had to sign my mums Do not resuscitate order/organise a funeral aged 24, my fiance flew back to the US for another bloke whilst I was at work and I lost my job. I faked a smile, never shed a tear and convinced everyone I was doing really well including me. Until one night I couldn't do it anymore at tried to take my own life, resulting in a 3 weeks stay in ICU and irreversible damage to my body.

If I'd been open to help, that wouldn't of happened. There are 1000's of men who did what I did, but were better at it, leaving kids without dads and wives without husbands. If talking openly gets one person to change their mind, the whole thing has been a success.


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## Foxholer (Aug 9, 2020)

DanFST said:



			I only kicked off as that's a stigma we need to get rid of, it's dangerous mate....
		
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You failed to mention that you follow West Ham! Personal experience indicates that's been seriously depressing of late!
BTW. I hope things improve for you.


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## SocketRocket (Aug 9, 2020)

The mental health issues related to lockdown and the pandemic are hard for everyone but especially for those already battling with their mental health. The wonderful charity MIND have a 24 hour helpline: 0300 123 3393.


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## DanFST (Aug 9, 2020)

Foxholer said:



			You failed to mention that you follow West Ham! Personal experience indicates that's been seriously depressing of late!
BTW. I hope things improve for you.
		
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It’s been depressing since I was born, used to it. (**** Steven Gerrard)


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## Piece (Aug 9, 2020)

Those with mental health issues are the greatest actors in the world; just like a swan on water, beautifully gliding through life whilst underneath frantically thrashing around.


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## User62651 (Aug 10, 2020)

Great so see so many people talk openly about and share mental health concerns. Even writing troublesome things down is therapy in itself. 
Getting all views is good, some lucky people do actually manage through life being confident and happy just about all the time. 
A simpler life is what people need, we didn't evolve to do what 99% of us do. Pressure and responsibility takes it's toll on the brain.


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## Liverbirdie (Aug 10, 2020)

DanFST said:



			It’s been depressing since I was born, used to it. (**** Steven Gerrard)
		
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Steven Gerrard helped my mental state for 15 years, giving me hope, good times, ecstasy and only 2 sad times - 2 sides to every story.


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## DanFST (Jan 5, 2021)

Just a quick check in. 

How's everyone feeling about the Lockdown? Didn't think I'd be too fussed, but haven't slept yet.


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## Dando (Jan 5, 2021)

DanFST said:



			Just a quick check in.

How's everyone feeling about the Lockdown? Didn't think I'd be too fussed, but haven't slept yet.
		
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i sat and cried at the news as i hate being stuck indoors and not being able to get to my caravan for a break. i have struggled with my MH massively since before the first lockdown and playing golf or getting to the range was a big help for me.

i know these are "first world problems" but to me they have been an important part of my road to "recovery"

it hasn't helped that i am self isolation as my daughter tested positive and nether Mrs d's or my test result has come back so i am dreading the thought of a further period of isolation


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## anotherdouble (Jan 5, 2021)

Dando said:



			i sat and cried at the news as i hate being stuck indoors and not being able to get to my caravan for a break. i have struggled with my MH massively since before the first lockdown and playing golf or getting to the range was a big help for me.

i know these are "first world problems" but to me they have been an important part of my road to "recovery"

it hasn't helped that i am self isolation as my daughter tested positive and nether Mrs d's or my test result has come back so i am dreading the thought of a further period of isolation
		
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I know it is easy for me to say buddy but one day at a time mate and never ever feel guilty for how you feel. 👍


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## jim8flog (Jan 5, 2021)

Getting up has now become sometime after 9am.

Lying in bed watching the box asking myself why, what am I going to do today then realising I need to get up to turn the heating back on


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## hairball_89 (Jan 5, 2021)

DanFST said:



			Just a quick check in.

How's everyone feeling about the Lockdown? Didn't think I'd be too fussed, but haven't slept yet.
		
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Just found this thread. Last night really knocked me back. Fully expected the news. But it never helps. 

I work in theatre, so the fact my career doesn't seem to have a "return to normal" horizon is scary. 

Probably take the dog out for a long walk and see where that takes me.


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## Dando (Jan 5, 2021)

hairball_89 said:



			Just found this thread. Last night really knocked me back. Fully expected the news. But it never helps.

I work in theatre, so the fact my career doesn't seem to have a "return to normal" horizon is scary.

Probably take the dog out for a long walk and see where that takes me.
		
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walking my dog will be a good thing for me once i am allowed out agian


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## Imurg (Jan 5, 2021)

I was pretty down last night...didn't sleep well, although I'm blaiming my dodgy knee for that.
Given up trying to understand why..just got to get on with it.
The hardest bit will be psyching myself up to get out for a walk.
Stick a golf club in my hand and I'll play in most weathers - always find it harder without them..


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## BiMGuy (Jan 5, 2021)

jim8flog said:



			Getting up has now become sometime after 9am.

Lying in bed watching the box asking myself why, what am I going to do today then realising I need to get up to turn the heating back on

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Get a WiFi thermostat. No need to get out of bed then 😉


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## SwingsitlikeHogan (Jan 5, 2021)

My Mrs is really worried and losing sleep over her mum, aunt, brother and our lad.  Her 90yr old aunt is ill with Covid in isolation in a miserable little room in a care home refusing to go to hospital and her 90yr old mum can't visit and is very anxious and worried - never going to see her sister again; her 64yr old unemployed brother is just miserable and depressed with the stress of caring for his mum and diminishing work prospects - and he needs work;  and our lad is now stuck in Sheffield and unable to escape to a friend from the mental stress and abuse dumped on him by his g/friend every week or two.

And then to top it all this morning my wife hears that her ex-boss in the NHS - and a good friend - has had a heart attack (not too bad we hear and pray) at work after a discussion/confrontation (most probably about 'who does what' if the nurses are called to a covid ward) with a selfish and self-pitying member of her nursing team - the member of the team that caused my wife great problems when she was working in the team.  And so my wife is both very upset for her friend, and incandescent with anger with her ex-colleague.  She had warned her boss that something like this was likely going to happen if her ex-colleague wasn't 'helped' out of her current role into one she is much more suited to.

I can but support my Mrs through all of this as best I can.

Oh the joys of the lockdown times in which we live


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## Dando (Jan 5, 2021)

Imurg said:



			I was pretty down last night...didn't sleep well, although I'm blaiming my dodgy knee for that.
Given up trying to understand why..just got to get on with it.
The hardest bit will be psyching myself up to get out for a walk.
Stick a golf club in my hand and I'll play in most weathers - always find it harder without them..
		
Click to expand...

take a golf club with you when you go out then. 

do i have to think of everything on this forum?


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## Dando (Jan 5, 2021)

SwingsitlikeHogan said:



			My Mrs is really worried and losing sleep over her mum, aunt, brother and our lad.  Her 90yr old aunt is ill with Covid in isolation in a miserable little room in a care home refusing to go to hospital and her 90yr old mum can't visit and is very anxious and worried - never going to see her sister again; her 64yr old unemployed brother is just miserable and depressed with the stress of caring for his mum and diminishing work prospects - and he needs work;  and our lad is now stuck in Sheffield and unable to escape to a friend from the mental stress and abuse dumped on him by his g/friend every week or two.

And then to top it all this morning my wife hears that her ex-boss in the NHS - and a good friend - has had a heart attack (not too bad we hear and pray) at work after a discussion/confrontation (most probably about 'who does what' if the nurses are called to a covid ward) with a selfish and self-pitying member of her nursing team - the member of the team that caused my wife great problems when she was working in the team.  And so my wife is both very upset for her friend, and incandescent with anger with her ex-colleague.  She had warned her boss that something like this was likely going to happen if her ex-colleague wasn't 'helped' out of her current role into one she is much more suited to.

I can but support my Mrs through all of this as best I can.

Oh the joys of the lockdown times in which we live 

Click to expand...

Fingers and toes crossed for you


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## jim8flog (Jan 5, 2021)

BiMGuy said:



			Get a WiFi thermostat. No need to get out of bed then 😉
		
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 I have one but it lives in the lounge. I need to reset the timings.


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## jim8flog (Jan 5, 2021)

Imurg said:



			I was pretty down last night...didn't sleep well, although I'm blaiming my dodgy knee for that.
Given up trying to understand why..just got to get on with it.
The hardest bit will be psyching myself up to get out for a walk.
Stick a golf club in my hand and I'll play in most weathers - always find it harder without them..
		
Click to expand...

 One of my troubles with walking is dodgy knees and ankles walking is very limited may half to three quarters on hour generally

When I golf I use a buggy .

I really miss the 4 hours in the open air.


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## SwingsitlikeHogan (Jan 5, 2021)

Dando said:



			Fingers and toes crossed for you
		
Click to expand...

Thankyou...

The big plus of late last year was that our lad accepted that he needed some counselling to help him understand and cope with the situation he has found himself in - a situation made worse by resentments and angers he's held on for a good few years over people who have screwed him over and taken advantage of him and his caring nature - and who today find themselves OK, when he finds himself totally c****ed on by the virus.  We didn't think he'd go for the CBT we had arranged - but he did and it's really helped him mentally over the last 3months - hopefully will continue to do so.  And knowing that has helped us.

All others Mrs SILH is anxious, worried and angry about...well...we can but do our best.  Fortunately, and though a bit stressed,  I'm pretty much OK.


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## Dando (Jan 20, 2021)

Watching a bbc program at the moment with Alex Scott 😍
She struggled with her mental health when she started as a pundit 
There was an interesting part when she was exercising and doing something mentally stimulating that increased blood flow to the part of the brain that helps control mental well-being.
Oh and Alex Scott 😍😍😍


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## toyboy54 (Jan 20, 2021)

Just came back to read some of your experiences-both good and bad-in my own case it was 2 yrs ago after a pretty massive stroke with 5(?) seizures,yet again was talking to St.Peter about the sleeping quarters-but fought my way through with no physical damage but certain areas of the brain were pretty fried(memory,spatial awareness,some co-ordination stuff).Got very,very angry and down about why me again and at the same time--why was I alive and taking up someones space-why didn't I just eff off--I really wasn't worth the time and energy spent on me/got really,really down on myself but couldn't speak to anyone deeply about it,just would just say was having a bad day and go walking for hours and exercise(after all I had already been dead previously due to a few scrapes and illnesses and came through it all but didn't acknowledge that maybe all this aggression from previous was needing an outlet at those times).
I do now appreciate how great life is with the right people by you.I have truly been lucky compared to many and for that I am truly thankful.
Jimbo


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## HomerJSimpson (Jan 27, 2021)

Been toying about posting here or the how Covid has affected me. Decided on here. Not after sympathy, a debate or any comment. This is simply as per the title thread. How it has affected me

Currently typing this in a dark room, several empty beer bottles on the floor and a resignation letter from my perfect job typed and ready for printing and signing. I'm done. Broken. Wasted, Heartbroken. Knackered. At my wits end.

I can't go on like this. I spent an hour this morning in a room alone with a 74 year old woman waiting for her family to arrive (far too late to see their dad who had passed away) trying to find some crumb of comfort to offer. They had been married 59 years and never spent a day apart until he came into hospital on Saturday. It opened up so many memories of my own dad passing with cancer and put me in a place I thought I had safely locked away. I had to try and be strong for her. I had to be professional for her. I then had to deal with the distraught family. 

Every day is a battle now. I am working 11-12 hour shifts, with a snatched meal break for 20 minutes. I am doing stuff so far out of the remit of my role especially trying to organise virtual visits, end of life visiting and a myriad of other stuff. I can't remember a day when I actually did the stuff I should be doing. We are full again. Capacity elsewhere in the trust is flattening but we are being bombarded and another 3 deaths today.

I use to come on here for some fun and especially in the pandemic some release. Now with so many threads plagued by arguments and petty point scoring its grinded me down. My mental health won't let me come back after a day like today and read the rubbish. Those thinking they are being "funny", those that look to make petty points and the several keyboard warriors and their "like followers" have won. I'm too tired, too beaten so I am logging off and taking some time out. I am sure that will come as a blessed relief for many. It might be for a few days, maybe a week, and given the dark and negative thoughts I'm having at the moment maybe for good

I can't go on like this. I have had mental health issues before as some will be aware of and this has set all of the triggers off again. I don't know what the next step is aside from I can't face another shift, and another one like today will finish me totally. There is no end in sight. We are nowhere near numbers coming down and we have 42 patients that are seriously ill with the prognosis for some looking very bleak. This won't go away soon. I am sure other members of staff feel the same way but are being far stronger than me.

Look after your loved ones, stay safe and try and see beyond the sensationalism. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I am/was happy in my role but this is the harsh reality of life in a frontline ICU. Please don't argue over the sentiments or the points I make. It doesn't deserve that. Please don't fuel your petty online hatred with "funny" or "negative" by posting. It is how Covid has affected me. My mental health is in the basement. I don't know what my next move is. Stay safe and look after yourself


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## toyboy54 (Jan 27, 2021)

Oh,Christ Homer...don't know what to say to try and bring some comfort to you(and Mrs.Homer).
Please don't do anything really,really silly as a way out-God knows I've thought about it a few times.But believe it or not I just can't bring myself to inflict more angst/pain on the only one I've ever really cared about.
Please,please get your head up.
Do not walk in the shadows Homer....Walk in the light.look at the good around you and give thanks for them!
You gave me kind comfort a while ago,I hope that this can help you in some small way...TAK TENT!!!!
Jimbo


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## Ethan (Jan 27, 2021)

HomerJSimpson said:



			Been toying about posting here or the how Covid has affected me. Decided on here. Not after sympathy, a debate or any comment. This is simply as per the title thread. How it has affected me

Currently typing this in a dark room, several empty beer bottles on the floor and a resignation letter from my perfect job typed and ready for printing and signing. I'm done. Broken. Wasted, Heartbroken. Knackered. At my wits end.

I can't go on like this. I spent an hour this morning in a room alone with a 74 year old woman waiting for her family to arrive (far too late to see their dad who had passed away) trying to find some crumb of comfort to offer. They had been married 59 years and never spent a day apart until he came into hospital on Saturday. It opened up so many memories of my own dad passing with cancer and put me in a place I thought I had safely locked away. I had to try and be strong for her. I had to be professional for her. I then had to deal with the distraught family.

Every day is a battle now. I am working 11-12 hour shifts, with a snatched meal break for 20 minutes. I am doing stuff so far out of the remit of my role especially trying to organise virtual visits, end of life visiting and a myriad of other stuff. I can't remember a day when I actually did the stuff I should be doing. We are full again. Capacity elsewhere in the trust is flattening but we are being bombarded and another 3 deaths today.

I use to come on here for some fun and especially in the pandemic some release. Now with so many threads plagued by arguments and petty point scoring its grinded me down. My mental health won't let me come back after a day like today and read the rubbish. Those thinking they are being "funny", those that look to make petty points and the several keyboard warriors and their "like followers" have won. I'm too tired, too beaten so I am logging off and taking some time out. I am sure that will come as a blessed relief for many. It might be for a few days, maybe a week, and given the dark and negative thoughts I'm having at the moment maybe for good

I can't go on like this. I have had mental health issues before as some will be aware of and this has set all of the triggers off again. I don't know what the next step is aside from I can't face another shift, and another one like today will finish me totally. There is no end in sight. We are nowhere near numbers coming down and we have 42 patients that are seriously ill with the prognosis for some looking very bleak. This won't go away soon. I am sure other members of staff feel the same way but are being far stronger than me.

Look after your loved ones, stay safe and try and see beyond the sensationalism. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I am/was happy in my role but this is the harsh reality of life in a frontline ICU. Please don't argue over the sentiments or the points I make. It doesn't deserve that. Please don't fuel your petty online hatred with "funny" or "negative" by posting. It is how Covid has affected me. My mental health is in the basement. I don't know what my next move is. Stay safe and look after yourself
		
Click to expand...


You need to take some time off. Soldiers in battle get PTSD and so can staff and patients in hot Covid wards for too long. It isn't usually one incident, it is the endlessness of it, more and more, never stopping and you start to feel numbed by it sometimes. 

If you wake up the next day you are on duty and feel the same, don't go in. You are no use to your colleagues or family if you are broken. You will be a great asset if you get a moment's breathing space. Self certify off, get a note from your GP if necessary. You will be a long way behind the first to ask, and you won't be the last either. They will understand better than is usually the case.

Avoid the Covid thread here and stick to stuff like the maximum acceptable waist size for a white belt (32" max), whether Tyrell Hatton will win a major (he won't), and whether someone needs new clubs (always).

If you want to talk, message me.


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## toyboy54 (Jan 27, 2021)

Well put Ethan.
Good man.
Jimbo
Homer...pls talk to us mate?
Jim


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## Piece (Jan 27, 2021)

Homer, great post and thank you for what you do.

If you can, as Ethan says, take time off. With that time off, or even if you can't, use any spare time by trying to engage in a new activity or something that you've always wanted to do or know about. An example that worked for me was getting into car detailing; understanding the ins and outs of it by researching, reading and doing. I also researched and understood about anxiety and how it can be cured and not managed. 

Doing these type of new things gave my brain and mental health a boost. Call it diversion activities. Granted, the enthusiasm may not be there at all for you, but give it a go as something needs to change.

Also make sure that you are eating and drinking well as your body needs systemic balance to aid your mental health.

Improving your mental health when your job is as relentless as it is, seems fruitless. However, by doing some of the above, you are changing your behaviour and giving your brain something new and interesting to feed on. 

And yes, have a break from here.

All the best!


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## Tashyboy (Jan 27, 2021)

HomerJSimpson said:



			Been toying about posting here or the how Covid has affected me. Decided on here. Not after sympathy, a debate or any comment. This is simply as per the title thread. How it has affected me

Currently typing this in a dark room, several empty beer bottles on the floor and a resignation letter from my perfect job typed and ready for printing and signing. I'm done. Broken. Wasted, Heartbroken. Knackered. At my wits end.

I can't go on like this. I spent an hour this morning in a room alone with a 74 year old woman waiting for her family to arrive (far too late to see their dad who had passed away) trying to find some crumb of comfort to offer. They had been married 59 years and never spent a day apart until he came into hospital on Saturday. It opened up so many memories of my own dad passing with cancer and put me in a place I thought I had safely locked away. I had to try and be strong for her. I had to be professional for her. I then had to deal with the distraught family.

Every day is a battle now. I am working 11-12 hour shifts, with a snatched meal break for 20 minutes. I am doing stuff so far out of the remit of my role especially trying to organise virtual visits, end of life visiting and a myriad of other stuff. I can't remember a day when I actually did the stuff I should be doing. We are full again. Capacity elsewhere in the trust is flattening but we are being bombarded and another 3 deaths today.

*I use to come on here for some fun and especially in the pandemic some release. Now with so many threads plagued by arguments and petty point scoring its grinded me down. My mental health won't let me come back after a day like today and read the rubbish. Those thinking they are being "funny", those that look to make petty points and the several keyboard warriors and their "like followers" have won. I'm too tired, too beaten so I am logging off and taking some time out. I am sure that will come as a blessed relief for many. It might be for a few days, maybe a week, and given the dark and negative thoughts I'm having at the moment maybe for good*

I can't go on like this. I have had mental health issues before as some will be aware of and this has set all of the triggers off again. I don't know what the next step is aside from I can't face another shift, and another one like today will finish me totally. There is no end in sight. We are nowhere near numbers coming down and we have 42 patients that are seriously ill with the prognosis for some looking very bleak. This won't go away soon. I am sure other members of staff feel the same way but are being far stronger than me.

Look after your loved ones, stay safe and try and see beyond the sensationalism. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I am/was happy in my role but this is the harsh reality of life in a frontline ICU. Please don't argue over the sentiments or the points I make. It doesn't deserve that. Please don't fuel your petty online hatred with "funny" or "negative" by posting. It is how Covid has affected me. My mental health is in the basement. I don't know what my next move is. Stay safe and look after yourself
		
Click to expand...

Homer I feel for you and let me assure you, you have made the right decision. I kicked it in the head on here for a few months for exactly the same reason. The personal attacks etc etc. Being asked on here “ do you actually love your grandkids”  I like you don’t need that crap in my life. Everyone on this forum should read that and let it sink in.
Bottom line Homer and family come first. Thoughts with you me man.


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## Kellfire (Jan 28, 2021)

HomerJSimpson said:



			Been toying about posting here or the how Covid has affected me. Decided on here. Not after sympathy, a debate or any comment. This is simply as per the title thread. How it has affected me

Currently typing this in a dark room, several empty beer bottles on the floor and a resignation letter from my perfect job typed and ready for printing and signing. I'm done. Broken. Wasted, Heartbroken. Knackered. At my wits end.

I can't go on like this. I spent an hour this morning in a room alone with a 74 year old woman waiting for her family to arrive (far too late to see their dad who had passed away) trying to find some crumb of comfort to offer. They had been married 59 years and never spent a day apart until he came into hospital on Saturday. It opened up so many memories of my own dad passing with cancer and put me in a place I thought I had safely locked away. I had to try and be strong for her. I had to be professional for her. I then had to deal with the distraught family.

Every day is a battle now. I am working 11-12 hour shifts, with a snatched meal break for 20 minutes. I am doing stuff so far out of the remit of my role especially trying to organise virtual visits, end of life visiting and a myriad of other stuff. I can't remember a day when I actually did the stuff I should be doing. We are full again. Capacity elsewhere in the trust is flattening but we are being bombarded and another 3 deaths today.

I use to come on here for some fun and especially in the pandemic some release. Now with so many threads plagued by arguments and petty point scoring its grinded me down. My mental health won't let me come back after a day like today and read the rubbish. Those thinking they are being "funny", those that look to make petty points and the several keyboard warriors and their "like followers" have won. I'm too tired, too beaten so I am logging off and taking some time out. I am sure that will come as a blessed relief for many. It might be for a few days, maybe a week, and given the dark and negative thoughts I'm having at the moment maybe for good

I can't go on like this. I have had mental health issues before as some will be aware of and this has set all of the triggers off again. I don't know what the next step is aside from I can't face another shift, and another one like today will finish me totally. There is no end in sight. We are nowhere near numbers coming down and we have 42 patients that are seriously ill with the prognosis for some looking very bleak. This won't go away soon. I am sure other members of staff feel the same way but are being far stronger than me.

Look after your loved ones, stay safe and try and see beyond the sensationalism. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I am/was happy in my role but this is the harsh reality of life in a frontline ICU. Please don't argue over the sentiments or the points I make. It doesn't deserve that. Please don't fuel your petty online hatred with "funny" or "negative" by posting. It is how Covid has affected me. My mental health is in the basement. I don't know what my next move is. Stay safe and look after yourself
		
Click to expand...

It may be difficult but if you can let at least one trusted friend or loved one read this post, if you haven’t already. 

Take the time and space you need, don’t do anything drastic and let your mind settle for a few days.


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## Deleted Member 1156 (Jan 28, 2021)

Well Homer has been online this morning so he hasn't done anything silly overnight.


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## Ethan (Jan 28, 2021)

drive4show said:



			Well Homer has been online this morning so he hasn't done anything silly overnight.
		
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He might have bought a chipper. That would be very silly. 

Or gone back to Stack'n'Tilt.

Or dug out those alligator skin golf shoes he got on that Florida golf holiday. 

To go with the Faldo mid-80s Pringle sweater.

Or joined Royal Lydd.


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## Deleted Member 1156 (Jan 28, 2021)

Ethan said:



			He might have bought a chipper. That would be very silly.

Or gone back to Stack'n'Tilt.

Or dug out those alligator skin golf shoes he got on that Florida golf holiday.

To go with the Faldo mid-80s Pringle sweater.

Or joined Royal Lydd.
		
Click to expand...

Good point well made! 😂


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## Tashyboy (Jan 28, 2021)

Last nights results would of helped.

Well they helped me 😉


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## Robster59 (Jan 28, 2021)

First time I've posted on this thread but some of this relates to what I've written in the Dementia thread. 
I think most people have their own mental issues.  Things that grind them, take them to the edge, bring on the last straw.  The epidemic has really exacerbated that for many, if not most. 

I consider myself lucky in that my partner and I are still working, nobody has caught Covid and we're still here.  But the mental strain of living with someone who has Dementia, whilst trying to carry on working, is damned hard.  You're working but constantly listening out.  Your life revolves around their schedule, you can't get out anywhere.  Like many, we haven't had a holiday away since about September 2019.  No break.  We can't put the Father in Law into respite due to the concerns of infection.
The effect it is having on my partner is very visible.  She tries to cope as best as she can but occasionally it all spills out, and she has to take it out on someone, and I'm the only person there.  Those are not good days, and they then affect me terribly as things are said that she retracts afterwards but just don't go away.  I don't know if they ever will. 

I wouldn't say I have mental issues but I do have low self esteem and so when somebody runs you down, it merely cements that opinion. 
Years ago I took to listening to audiobooks, podcasts, etc. at night to help me to sleep.  I still do that and don't think I will stop as it's the only way I can ensure I do.  The stories stop my mind from racing. 

The hard part is the fact that effectively every day is Groundhog Day.  I walk down the stairs in the morning knowing what I will be doing.  No change.  The alarms on my phone are set for tasks for the Father in Law. 

And I know it's wrong, but I don't share these concerns with anyone as I have to look after both my father-in-law and my partner.
But then I look at what is happening to other people, realise there are so many worse off than me, try to put things into perspective. 

As a side note, to those who talk about taking their own lives, my brother took his about 7 years ago.  There were things going on in his life he just couldn't cope with.  An abiding memory for me is the last time I saw him and the picture of him waving goodbye from the window of his flat is one that will live with me forever.  I didn't know his issues at the time despite me asking, nor do I believe he would ever share them with me.  But I did see the devastation on his wife, children, parents and all those who attended his funeral.  7 years on and I still think if I had known I could have done something. 

Sorry for the long post.  It's amazing what comes out once you start typing.


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## Liverpoolphil (Jan 28, 2021)

Robster59 said:



			First time I've posted on this thread but some of this relates to what I've written in the Dementia thread. 
I think most people have their own mental issues.  Things that grind them, take them to the edge, bring on the last straw.  The epidemic has really exacerbated that for many, if not most. 

I consider myself lucky in that my partner and I are still working, nobody has caught Covid and we're still here.  But the mental strain of living with someone who has Dementia, whilst trying to carry on working, is damned hard.  You're working but constantly listening out.  Your life revolves around their schedule, you can't get out anywhere.  Like many, we haven't had a holiday away since about September 2019.  No break.  We can't put the Father in Law into respite due to the concerns of infection.
The effect it is having on my partner is very visible.  She tries to cope as best as she can but occasionally it all spills out, and she has to take it out on someone, and I'm the only person there.  Those are not good days, and they then affect me terribly as things are said that she retracts afterwards but just don't go away.  I don't know if they ever will. 

I wouldn't say I have mental issues but I do have low self esteem and so when somebody runs you down, it merely cements that opinion. 
Years ago I took to listening to audiobooks, podcasts, etc. at night to help me to sleep.  I still do that and don't think I will stop as it's the only way I can ensure I do.  The stories stop my mind from racing. 

The hard part is the fact that effectively every day is Groundhog Day.  I walk down the stairs knowing what I will be doing.  No change.  The alarms on my phone are set for tasks for the Father in Law. 

And I know it's wrong but I don't share these concerns with anyone as I have to look after both my father in law and my partner.
But then I look at what is happening to other people, realise there are so many worse off than me, try to put things into perspective. 

As a side note, to those who talk about taking their own lives, my brother took his about 7 years ago.  There were things going on in his life he just couldn't cope with.  An abiding memory for me is the last time I saw him and the picture of him waving goodbye from the window of his flat.  I didn't know his issues at the time despite me asking, nor do I believe he would ever share them with me.  But I did see the devastation on his wife, children, parents and all those who attended his funeral.  7 years on and I still think if I had known I could have done something. 

Sorry for the long post.  It's amazing what comes out once you start typing.
		
Click to expand...

Hopefully by just typing it out it may well help - the one thing about the forum beyond all the banter etc we all share an enjoyment of many activities and it may not seem it but it’s like a little online family 

So don’t ever be afraid to just type away on here - people will always respond positively and you will be surprised on here how many will have gone through the same thing whilst being able to offer some sort of help - if not on the thread but in PMs

So my offer will be there - if you need a chat on here or PMs then just give me a shout


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## GB72 (Jan 28, 2021)

This is it. I suspect many of us are from the 'man up' generations and so talking about these things is not seen as the done thing. This thread helps in that it is so much easier to be able to empty out your feelings on the screen than it is to do it face to face. The people on here are not faceless individuals like on social media, even if we have not met them face to face, we know who they are through years of interaction and to be able to vent, blub, whatever helps to a knowing but not personal audience is very helpful.


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## toyboy54 (Jan 28, 2021)

Robster....drop me a line,I'm just down the road a few miles.We can meet,talk,lose a few balls together-maybe even have a laugh about how I keep cheating SWMBO out of the insurance money.It's a very fine line we all tread,isn't it and sometimes we fall off.So sorry about your brother-and the damage left behind,but as said it's something I find myself fighting about.
Bollocks,this isn't coming out right--fried brain you see(joke)
Jimbo


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## toyboy54 (Jan 28, 2021)

drive4show said:



			Well Homer has been online this morning so he hasn't done anything silly overnight.
		
Click to expand...

Thank God!
Some great posts and help from you guys about well done.
Jimbo


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## IanM (Jan 28, 2021)

Talk , talk and talk some more... it's the only way.

Stuff with my mum has been awful, but other than that, we've been lucky here . So far. 

Keep scrapping all!


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## Tashyboy (Jan 28, 2021)

I don’t know, maybe we are at an age when everything comes at once with Covid being the straw that broke the camels back for a lot of folk. 
FIL has dementia with Alzheimer’s and is getting worse. MIL was diagnosed with breast cancer on Monday she is at the end of her tether With everything. MIL rang this morning to say FIL has had a reminder he has a Psychiatric assessment on Monday and he has tripped out big style. Apparently me and BIL have paid for someone to go round and “ duff him up”. Missis Tash has said she will have to stay with her parents whilst MIL recuperates from her hospital treatment. 
Daughter rang this morning as young Bradley Tash was broken hearted before he went to skool. His dad is being a twat again and playing mind games with an 8 yr old. All roads lead to Mr and Missis Tash at the moment. 
It has to be said that Missis T has been brilliant. Maybe it helps that she is ex NHS nurse and learned to separate emotion from when helping folk. However we are both under no illusions that the road is bumpy and going to get worse. However the one thing that helps is that we talk talk talk. 
Stay safe everyone.


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## IanM (Jan 30, 2021)

My mum is 81 and has been in and out if hospital and care home since last May.   Her arthritis has got so bad she cannot move and has other issues too.

Only seen her once in 6 months and that was a "through a window" in November.

She is acting very strange at the moment on the phone.  Its heartbreaking not being able to anything about it.  Got a facetime call with her next week,  hope that cheers her up a bit.

There must be thousands of families in this position


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## Kellfire (Aug 18, 2021)

Everyone’s favourite poster checking in… 

My mental health has taken a serious dip in the past month as I feel I’ve moved into the next stage of grieving my girlfriend who died last year. I’m firmly in the acceptance stage now and that brings all its own pitfalls. Previously the incredulity of it all seemed to shake me out of my funks whereas now I’m left missing the smallest of things about her that just aren’t there anymore. 

The main issues I have right now on a grand scale are the seemingly never ending lethargy. I’m in a vicious cycle of having no energy so I cordon myself off from social interactions (I’ve cancelled going to football with my mates tonight for the fourth week in a row) but this in turn leads to me getting home from work, sitting on the sofa, going to bed and repeating the cycle. I’m lucky that my sleep is relatively sound, all things considered. I have recently bought some dumbbells (I’m a scrawny little thing) and have enjoyed working out with those. The subsequent pain is therapeutic in the way it shows me I’m making progress. I’m also trying to do some cardio on the exercise bike as often as I can which also helps me. I really want to get back to football next week - that’s another vicious cycle where every week I don’t go makes it harder to go back. The lads have a running joke in our WhatsApp group about me cancelling but I’ve not told any of them why I do yet but I think that time is here if they ask again tonight. 

The saving grace is I have so many people close to me who are happy to listen to me talk or just lend me a shoulder to cry on. I can’t remember the last day where I didn’t have at least a little cry but that’s normal and I don’t ever feel the need to stop myself or hide that from people. 

Talking really does help. As does just putting down how you feel on paper or an Internet forum or wherever you feel you’ll get that relief of “sharing” your burdens. 

For anyone else having a crappy time right now, try to focus on the good things as well as processing the bad and keep communicating however you see fit.


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## SwingsitlikeHogan (Aug 18, 2021)

You are having a really tough time and all seems gloomy…but good you are doing ’end of day’ gratitude reflections, but are you actually writing them down…as writing them down makes that real in a way that just reflecting and thinking them doesn’t.

Won’t compensate for your loss but maybe a way of getting head onto pillow at night and getting OK sleep…with tomorrow being another day with its own challenges, challenges that can only actually be dealt with, or at least addressed, tomorrow.

My thoughts and prayers are with you at this time, as they are with all who are struggling with the vicissitudes, slings and arrows of life.  GB.


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## SocketRocket (Aug 18, 2021)

Kellfire said:



			Everyone’s favourite poster checking in… 

My mental health has taken a serious dip in the past month as I feel I’ve moved into the next stage of grieving my girlfriend who died last year. I’m firmly in the acceptance stage now and that brings all its own pitfalls. Previously the incredulity of it all seemed to shake me out of my funks whereas now I’m left missing the smallest of things about her that just aren’t there anymore.

The main issues I have right now on a grand scale are the seemingly never ending lethargy. I’m in a vicious cycle of having no energy so I cordon myself off from social interactions (I’ve cancelled going to football with my mates tonight for the fourth week in a row) but this in turn leads to me getting home from work, sitting on the sofa, going to bed and repeating the cycle. I’m lucky that my sleep is relatively sound, all things considered. I have recently bought some dumbbells (I’m a scrawny little thing) and have enjoyed working out with those. The subsequent pain is therapeutic in the way it shows me I’m making progress. I’m also trying to do some cardio on the exercise bike as often as I can which also helps me. I really want to get back to football next week - that’s another vicious cycle where every week I don’t go makes it harder to go back. The lads have a running joke in our WhatsApp group about me cancelling but I’ve not told any of them why I do yet but I think that time is here if they ask again tonight.

The saving grace is I have so many people close to me who are happy to listen to me talk or just lend me a shoulder to cry on. I can’t remember the last day where I didn’t have at least a little cry but that’s normal and I don’t ever feel the need to stop myself or hide that from people.

Talking really does help. As does just putting down how you feel on paper or an Internet forum or wherever you feel you’ll get that relief of “sharing” your burdens.

For anyone else having a crappy time right now, try to focus on the good things as well as processing the bad and keep communicating however you see fit.
		
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A very brave and heartfelt post.

Sounds like you're doing the best you can to deal with your grief. It's good that you have people that can support you and help you through this difficult time.  Losing loved ones leaves a big gaping hole that only time can somehow fill.  Keep as positive as you can, cry when you need to and keep talking.   

We are all also here if you ever need to talk anything through.  Please PM me anytime if you need someone to listen.

Take care of yourself mate.


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## Tashyboy (Aug 18, 2021)

Had a phone call from me brother today, similar to yesterday. His wife was killed by a drug driver last July. Technically he was only just under the limit. Wiped out three folk having a gentle ride around Derbyshire on there Harleys. He was coming back from a Round of golf having had a beer and “ possibly” fell asleep at the wheel coz he was tired. The sentencing was today, put back til tomorrow. The phone call today was to say it’s been put back til September. Suffice to say me brother is in a mess.
Where do you start? He has packed in his job because he worked at the same company as his wife. He couldn’t handle going back there. He still has pins and plates in his smashed ankle, and needs further ops. Birthdays, anniversaries are all unwelcome reminders. Bottom line he feels he is up Poo Creek without a paddle.
Am not to sure the sentencing will be closure. What exactly is closure. He don’t know know. He has people to talk to but he gets so much advice, some of it contradictory. Am sure it don’t help at times. I talked to him about stages of grieving? Does it help?
What has happened if it is a positive, he has 2 sons. One he has set up a motorbike business with. It has brought the three of them closer. He has grandkids who he sees more of. My brother who was very materialistic has had a look at his life differently and now has different priorities. Slowly and it is slowly he is getting out and doing things. He is kinda living again. He will find the thing that helps him get out of a bloody great big hole he feels he is in.
Like me Playing partner Tricky Trev. His wife had a stroke the December before Covid hit. She was in a coma til the day she passed away the following May. Trev found his way slowly slowly through playing golf, ironically through listening to me and others talking rammel. One thing he did mention was ” it didn’t quite feel right me enjoying myself”. It was all part of the healing process of a wound that never really fully heals.


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## Piece (Aug 19, 2021)

Kellfire said:



			Everyone’s favourite poster checking in… 

My mental health has taken a serious dip in the past month as I feel I’ve moved into the next stage of grieving my girlfriend who died last year. I’m firmly in the acceptance stage now and that brings all its own pitfalls. Previously the incredulity of it all seemed to shake me out of my funks whereas now I’m left missing the smallest of things about her that just aren’t there anymore.

The main issues I have right now on a grand scale are the seemingly never ending lethargy. I’m in a vicious cycle of having no energy so I cordon myself off from social interactions (I’ve cancelled going to football with my mates tonight for the fourth week in a row) but this in turn leads to me getting home from work, sitting on the sofa, going to bed and repeating the cycle. I’m lucky that my sleep is relatively sound, all things considered. I have recently bought some dumbbells (I’m a scrawny little thing) and have enjoyed working out with those. The subsequent pain is therapeutic in the way it shows me I’m making progress. I’m also trying to do some cardio on the exercise bike as often as I can which also helps me. *I really want to get back to football next week* - that’s another vicious cycle where every week I don’t go makes it harder to go back. The lads have a running joke in our WhatsApp group about me cancelling but I’ve not told any of them why I do yet but I think that time is here if they ask again tonight.

The saving grace is I have so many people close to me who are happy to listen to me talk or just lend me a shoulder to cry on. I can’t remember the last day where I didn’t have at least a little cry but that’s normal and I don’t ever feel the need to stop myself or hide that from people.

Talking really does help. As does just putting down how you feel on paper or an Internet forum or wherever you feel you’ll get that relief of “sharing” your burdens.

For anyone else having a crappy time right now, try to focus on the good things as well as processing the bad and keep communicating however you see fit.
		
Click to expand...

Great post.

The lethargy is coming from the mental state. But you already knew that! You're an intelligent man your mind needs good activities and mental stimulation to "feed it". Giving the mind something challenging and/or enjoying will in turn start to remove lethargy. To do that, the behaviour needs to change from "coming home and doing nothing as it's easier" to making that first short step back to doing activities that either you really enjoy or new ones that you want to pursue. It's great that you want to go back to football - it's making that transition from wanting to doing is the hardest. You need to ask yourself (I'm sure you have) what is stopping you from going to football? Is it the tiredness? Is it having to fess-up and answer lots of questions if you do go? Perhaps leave the negative aspects in the "bin" and focus on the amazing benefits both mentally and physically that will occur when you do, and I'm sure, if they are your real mates, you will get a very sympathetic ear if you are short and honest with them. If you do go (whether it's for all the session or just a for a bit), it will be load off your mind, you'll get a buzz and the first step to recovery.


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## Kellfire (Aug 19, 2021)

Piece said:



			Great post.

The lethargy is coming from the mental state. But you already knew that! You're an intelligent man your mind needs good activities and mental stimulation to "feed it". Giving the mind something challenging and/or enjoying will in turn start to remove lethargy. To do that, the behaviour needs to change from "coming home and doing nothing as it's easier" to making that first short step back to doing activities that either you really enjoy or new ones that you want to pursue. It's great that you want to go back to football - it's making that transition from wanting to doing is the hardest. You need to ask yourself (I'm sure you have) what is stopping you from going to football? Is it the tiredness? Is it having to fess-up and answer lots of questions if you do go? Perhaps leave the negative aspects in the "bin" and focus on the amazing benefits both mentally and physically that will occur when you do, and I'm sure, if they are your real mates, you will get a very sympathetic ear if you are short and honest with them. If you do go (whether it's for all the session or just a for a bit), it will be load off your mind, you'll get a buzz and the first step to recovery.
		
Click to expand...

And a great post in reply to mine. Thank you!

Yea, I’m very aware of the barriers and that a small step in getting back to more activities will almost certainly bring a big leap forward in my own happiness. Small steps but getting there!


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## Orikoru (Aug 20, 2021)

I've been getting this weird kind of paralysing anxiety with work this week.   I was taken off my project (not because I did anything wrong, it's just staff allocation and they often move people around), and effectively put on three new projects at once. Two of them will be handed over when other people become available but I'm doing start-up stuff for them. I'm just struggling to get it straight in my head what I'm doing for all of them, remembering which project is which or what I'm meant to be doing for each. I know that I know how to do this stuff but I just end up blanking, just sitting here with my head in my hands ignoring emails and phone messages. It's too easy to hide when working from home. Coupled with the strong lack of motivation I've seemingly always had, I just can't make myself do what I need to do. It's a weird feeling, like a wall in my head blocking off parts of my brain.


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## Kellfire (Aug 20, 2021)

Orikoru said:



			I've been getting this weird kind of paralysing anxiety with work this week.   I was taken off my project (not because I did anything wrong, it's just staff allocation and they often move people around), and effectively put on three new projects at once. Two of them will be handed over when other people become available but I'm doing start-up stuff for them. I'm just struggling to get it straight in my head what I'm doing for all of them, remembering which project is which or what I'm meant to be doing for each. I know that I know how to do this stuff but I just end up blanking, just sitting here with my head in my hands ignoring emails and phone messages. It's too easy to hide when working from home. Coupled with the strong lack of motivation I've seemingly always had, I just can't make myself do what I need to do. It's a weird feeling, like a wall in my head blocking off parts of my brain.
		
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This is exactly the sort of mental block  I get at work at times and without fail, once the initial panic settles, the projects slot into place nicely when I’ve had a chance to sit down and work through them.


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## Orikoru (Aug 20, 2021)

Kellfire said:



			This is exactly the sort of mental block  I get at work at times and without fail, once the initial panic settles, the projects slot into place nicely when I’ve had a chance to sit down and work through them.
		
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Yeah, I'm currently just in a process of writing everything down, and I mean everything. Even if it's the same stuff I wrote down yesterday, I'll write it again until my brain starts working.


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## SocketRocket (Aug 20, 2021)

Orikoru said:



			I've been getting this weird kind of paralysing anxiety with work this week.   I was taken off my project (not because I did anything wrong, it's just staff allocation and they often move people around), and effectively put on three new projects at once. Two of them will be handed over when other people become available but I'm doing start-up stuff for them. I'm just struggling to get it straight in my head what I'm doing for all of them, remembering which project is which or what I'm meant to be doing for each. I know that I know how to do this stuff but I just end up blanking, just sitting here with my head in my hands ignoring emails and phone messages. It's too easy to hide when working from home. Coupled with the strong lack of motivation I've seemingly always had, I just can't make myself do what I need to do. It's a weird feeling, like a wall in my head blocking off parts of my brain.
		
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You can't work on three projects simultaneously, it's only possible to be doing one thing at any time (unless you are a woman 🙂). I can understand that you may get interruptions while you are concentrating on something but try not to let your mind jump around from one matter to another.


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## GreiginFife (Aug 20, 2021)

Orikoru said:



			I've been getting this weird kind of paralysing anxiety with work this week.   I was taken off my project (not because I did anything wrong, it's just staff allocation and they often move people around), and effectively put on three new projects at once. Two of them will be handed over when other people become available but I'm doing start-up stuff for them. I'm just struggling to get it straight in my head what I'm doing for all of them, remembering which project is which or what I'm meant to be doing for each. I know that I know how to do this stuff but I just end up blanking, just sitting here with my head in my hands ignoring emails and phone messages. It's too easy to hide when working from home. Coupled with the strong lack of motivation I've seemingly always had, I just can't make myself do what I need to do. It's a weird feeling, like a wall in my head blocking off parts of my brain.
		
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I regularly have to work multiple projects (4 at the moment, albeit one is pretty much in delivery).
I keep on top of them by setting up basic Trello kanban boards and keeping task tickets up to date (can add commentary and attachments  to a ticket etc) and just manage the 4 projects like one big piece of work.

Its worked for me for years (although only started using Trello on 2018 after being introduced by a previous client).


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## Piece (Aug 20, 2021)

Orikoru said:



			I've been getting this weird kind of paralysing anxiety with work this week.   I was taken off my project (not because I did anything wrong, it's just staff allocation and they often move people around), and effectively put on three new projects at once. Two of them will be handed over when other people become available but I'm doing start-up stuff for them. I'm just struggling to get it straight in my head what I'm doing for all of them, remembering which project is which or what I'm meant to be doing for each. I know that I know how to do this stuff but I just end up blanking, just sitting here with my head in my hands ignoring emails and phone messages. It's too easy to hide when working from home. Coupled with the strong lack of motivation I've seemingly always had, I just can't make myself do what I need to do. It's a weird feeling, like a wall in my head blocking off parts of my brain.
		
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This is your brain telling you to find structure and order to bring clarity of thought. If you don’t have a clear picture of what you need to do, your brain blanks out and the anxiety sweats start as you don’t know what to tackle and when. It becomes overwhelming and out of control. The key is to get back control and plan ahead - don’t fire fight. As a manager of many bids at once sometimes (7 at one stage!), I find that writing short sharp lists one project at time works for me. I then put a * next to the important items so they don’t get lost. This way you see the size of the problem on a per project basis, rather than a tangled spaghetti mess of three projects.

Good luck!


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## NedPizza (Aug 25, 2021)

Mentally feeling crap today and that was reflected in my golf lesson. Didn't manage to hit one ball out of a bucket of 50.

I apologized to the PRO and said hopefully tomorrow will be better.


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## Kellfire (Sep 28, 2021)

Follow up to my last long post and hopefully someone gets something from this if they’ve found themselves feeling in a bad place recently.

I recently joined Noom to help me break some of the habits around eating rubbish and to give me added incentive to increase my activity. Would highly recommend it to anyone who wants to lose some weight - there is a trial period which you don’t have to pay for but I did pay £14 for it as an added incentive to me.

The premise is simple - you get a base amount of calories to eat per day based on your weight loss goal. If you do more steps or exercise you can “earn” more calories. It really makes you think about what you’re eating when you have to log everything. It makes you read the packets and make better choices.

I have set quite an ambitious goal of 2.5 stone off by Christmas, but I also give myself Saturday and Sunday off logging my meals as a “treat”. Even doing that I am 12 pounds lighter after three weeks and that has included a four day weekend with some friends at a beer festival and eating takeaway all weekend.

I’m back playing football every Wednesday, playing badminton every Monday and I do a 40 minute weights session on a Tuesday and a Thursday.

The good habits spill into the weekends too. I’ll walk around town rather than getting a taxi where I can. I’ll have a fruit filled breakfast with some oats and fat free yogurt at home instead of a fry up in town before beers with the lads.

Looking after yourself when you’re feeling down is an incredibly hard thing to do but one will lead from the other so take that step and ask a mate if they fancy going on a long walk, to the gym or even just an hour kicking a football with some mates in the local park. Get your heart pumping and let those endorphins soar. 

Look after yourselves, everyone.


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## Fade and Die (Sep 28, 2021)

Kellfire said:



			Follow up to my last long post and hopefully someone gets something from this if they’ve found themselves feeling in a bad place recently.

I recently joined Noom to help me break some of the habits around eating rubbish and to give me added incentive to increase my activity. Would high recommend it to anyone who wants to lose some weight - there is a trial period which you don’t have to pay for but I did pay £14 for it as an added incentive to me.

The premise is simple - you get a base amount of calories to eat per day based on your weight loss goal. If you do more steps or exercise you can “earn” more calories. It really makes you think about what you’re eating when you have to log everything. It makes you read the packets and make better choices.

I have set quite an ambitious goal of 2.5 stone off my Christmas, but I also give myself Saturday and Sunday off logging my meals as a “treat”. Even doing that I am 12 pounds lighter after three weeks and that has included a four day weekend with some friends at a beer festival and eating takeaway all weekend.

I’m back playing football every Wednesday, playing badminton every Monday and I do a 40 minute weights session on a Tuesday and a Thursday.

The good habits spill into the weekends too. I’ll walk around town rather than getting a taxi where I can. I’ll have a fruit filled breakfast with some oats and fat free yogurt at home instead of a fry up in town before beers with the lads.

Looking after yourself when you’re feeling down is an incredibly hard thing to do but one will lead from the other so take that step and ask a mate if they fancy going on a long walk, to the gym or even just an hour kicking a football with some mates in the local park. Get your heart pumping and let those endorphins soar. 

Look after yourselves, everyone.
		
Click to expand...

Well done mate, great effort.👍


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## Robster59 (Sep 29, 2021)

Kellfire said:



			Follow up to my last long post and hopefully someone gets something from this if they’ve found themselves feeling in a bad place recently.

I recently joined Noom to help me break some of the habits around eating rubbish and to give me added incentive to increase my activity. Would highly recommend it to anyone who wants to lose some weight - there is a trial period which you don’t have to pay for but I did pay £14 for it as an added incentive to me.

The premise is simple - you get a base amount of calories to eat per day based on your weight loss goal. If you do more steps or exercise you can “earn” more calories. It really makes you think about what you’re eating when you have to log everything. It makes you read the packets and make better choices.

I have set quite an ambitious goal of 2.5 stone off by Christmas, but I also give myself Saturday and Sunday off logging my meals as a “treat”. Even doing that I am 12 pounds lighter after three weeks and that has included a four day weekend with some friends at a beer festival and eating takeaway all weekend.

I’m back playing football every Wednesday, playing badminton every Monday and I do a 40 minute weights session on a Tuesday and a Thursday.

The good habits spill into the weekends too. I’ll walk around town rather than getting a taxi where I can. I’ll have a fruit filled breakfast with some oats and fat free yogurt at home instead of a fry up in town before beers with the lads.

Looking after yourself when you’re feeling down is an incredibly hard thing to do but one will lead from the other so take that step and ask a mate if they fancy going on a long walk, to the gym or even just an hour kicking a football with some mates in the local park. Get your heart pumping and let those endorphins soar. 

Look after yourselves, everyone.
		
Click to expand...

Well done.  Good to see that you're making some progress for yourself.  Keep up the excellent work.


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## Beezerk (Sep 29, 2021)

Kellfire said:



			Follow up to my last long post and hopefully someone gets something from this if they’ve found themselves feeling in a bad place recently.

I recently joined Noom to help me break some of the habits around eating rubbish and to give me added incentive to increase my activity. Would highly recommend it to anyone who wants to lose some weight - there is a trial period which you don’t have to pay for but I did pay £14 for it as an added incentive to me.

The premise is simple - you get a base amount of calories to eat per day based on your weight loss goal. If you do more steps or exercise you can “earn” more calories. It really makes you think about what you’re eating when you have to log everything. It makes you read the packets and make better choices.

I have set quite an ambitious goal of 2.5 stone off by Christmas, but I also give myself Saturday and Sunday off logging my meals as a “treat”. Even doing that I am 12 pounds lighter after three weeks and that has included a four day weekend with some friends at a beer festival and eating takeaway all weekend.

I’m back playing football every Wednesday, playing badminton every Monday and I do a 40 minute weights session on a Tuesday and a Thursday.

The good habits spill into the weekends too. I’ll walk around town rather than getting a taxi where I can. I’ll have a fruit filled breakfast with some oats and fat free yogurt at home instead of a fry up in town before beers with the lads.

Looking after yourself when you’re feeling down is an incredibly hard thing to do but one will lead from the other so take that step and ask a mate if they fancy going on a long walk, to the gym or even just an hour kicking a football with some mates in the local park. Get your heart pumping and let those endorphins soar. 

Look after yourselves, everyone.
		
Click to expand...

Respect 👏


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## spongebob59 (Nov 28, 2021)

👏


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1464905857020399621


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## damacau (Jan 10, 2022)

There are three members of my family with a mental illness diagnosis. It's crap, and these mental health centers are a kind of escape from reality for the relatives


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## Hobbit (May 2, 2022)

A nod to the recent discussion in Random Irritations about suicide. At 3:30am on a beautiful August morning in 2007 I stood half a yard away and split second from a cliff edge. I didn’t consider pills and vodka would be a less painful way out, or of the pain and inconvenience me taking the step would cause so many people. All I wanted was a release from the constant pain, physical and mental, I’d suffered for almost 2 years.

Managing the physical pain should be easy but you can only take strong pain killers for so long, and in itself is a battle to manage the side effects, and damage they themselves bring on. The mental aspect of the later diagnosed PTSD… where to start… stopping going out… getting as far as the car and going back in the house… arriving at friend’s or family’s home but only staying for xx minutes… going into a restaurant and not even finishing the starter, not to mention sitting with my back to a wall close to the exit. Imagine what this behaviour does to your family, your friends and your career.

I travelled a very dark road to that August morning. Standing there thinking one small step would end all the pain, and free Mrs Hobbit… I couldn’t put my family and friends through the sorrow and pain that final step would cause. I made a decision that as soon as we returned from Italy I would go and see the doctor.

I travelled that dark road for another 3 years, slowly winning the battle. Many downs but at least I learned coping strategies, thank god for CBT, and I learned to enjoy so many simple things again. Suicide hasn’t crossed my mind for many years, not even fleetingly, and I’ve filled my life with so many great things in the last 10+ years.

Is suicide selfish? No, it’s the last desperate grab at release from horrendous pain.


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## IanM (May 2, 2022)

Many people can identify with the above... tablets, CBT and the love of a good woman saved me!


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## fundy (May 2, 2022)

Hobbit said:



			A nod to the recent discussion in Random Irritations about suicide. At 3:30am on a beautiful August morning in 2007 I stood half a yard away and split second from a cliff edge. I didn’t consider pills and vodka would be a less painful way out, or of the pain and inconvenience me taking the step would cause so many people. All I wanted was a release from the constant pain, physical and mental, I’d suffered for almost 2 years.

Managing the physical pain should be easy but you can only take strong pain killers for so long, and in itself is a battle to manage the side effects, and damage they themselves bring on. The mental aspect of the later diagnosed PTSD… where to start… stopping going out… getting as far as the car and going back in the house… arriving at friend’s or family’s home but only staying for xx minutes… going into a restaurant and not even finishing the starter, not to mention sitting with my back to a wall close to the exit. Imagine what this behaviour does to your family, your friends and your career.

I travelled a very dark road to that August morning. Standing there thinking one small step would end all the pain, and free Mrs Hobbit… I couldn’t put my family and friends through the sorrow and pain that final step would cause. I made a decision that as soon as we returned from Italy I would go and see the doctor.

I travelled that dark road for another 3 years, slowly winning the battle. Many downs but at least I learned coping strategies, thank god for CBT, and I learned to enjoy so many simple things again. Suicide hasn’t crossed my mind for many years, not even fleetingly, and I’ve filled my life with so many great things in the last 10+ years.

Is suicide selfish? No, it’s the last desperate grab at release from horrendous pain.
		
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Wow, amazingly honest and open post Hobbit! glad it has worked out well for you! Can resonate with some of it for sure as I expect many more on here can


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## HomerJSimpson (May 3, 2022)

Working in ICU we see a lot of suicide cases (with a spike after the first lockdown ended) and the damage it can do if the attempt was unsuccessful not only mentally and physically to the patient but to the families. Sometimes the patient will succumb to the effects of the attempt but it is often a protracted and painful process. It is sad that there are still so many holes in mental health care and people aren't getting access to the care they need. Some of the stuff on here has been gut wrenching and so I hope as a collective we can make time for one another and be there when needed


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## SocketRocket (May 3, 2022)

To suddenly receive a message from one of your loved ones saying goodby and they are ending their life now is gut wrenching. I've been through it on around six occasions and every time it leaves a scar on your well-being.  Fortunately it's never resulted in a death but it's been close.


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## Robster59 (May 3, 2022)

The impact on suicide on those left behind is substantial. My brother took his life 10 years ago, and the face of him waving goodbye from his window when I visited him shortly beforehand will forever remain fixed in my mind.  I had no idea he was going to do it, and to this day I still wish I'd known the full background as then, maybe, I could have helped him. 
I fully appreciate that anyone who takes their own life has a different logic, and believe the world would be better without them, or they just can't face it anymore, and it takes a lot for Hobbit to share it  as he has. 
Sometimes sharing these things with people you don't know, and can listen non judgementally, can help.


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## ColchesterFC (May 3, 2022)

Hobbit said:



			A nod to the recent discussion in Random Irritations about suicide. At 3:30am on a beautiful August morning in 2007 I stood half a yard away and split second from a cliff edge. I didn’t consider pills and vodka would be a less painful way out, or of the pain and inconvenience me taking the step would cause so many people. All I wanted was a release from the constant pain, physical and mental, I’d suffered for almost 2 years.

Managing the physical pain should be easy but you can only take strong pain killers for so long, and in itself is a battle to manage the side effects, and damage they themselves bring on. The mental aspect of the later diagnosed PTSD… where to start… stopping going out… getting as far as the car and going back in the house… arriving at friend’s or family’s home but only staying for xx minutes… going into a restaurant and not even finishing the starter, not to mention sitting with my back to a wall close to the exit. Imagine what this behaviour does to your family, your friends and your career.

I travelled a very dark road to that August morning. Standing there thinking one small step would end all the pain, and free Mrs Hobbit… I couldn’t put my family and friends through the sorrow and pain that final step would cause. I made a decision that as soon as we returned from Italy I would go and see the doctor.

I travelled that dark road for another 3 years, slowly winning the battle. Many downs but at least I learned coping strategies, thank god for CBT, and I learned to enjoy so many simple things again. Suicide hasn’t crossed my mind for many years, not even fleetingly, and I’ve filled my life with so many great things in the last 10+ years.

Is suicide selfish? No, it’s the last desperate grab at release from horrendous pain.
		
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Thank you so much for sharing your story and allowing others to read about it, and to try to help them understand what leads people to that position. 

In 2008 I was pulled, unconscious, from a car that had a pipe attached to the exhaust that led into the passenger compartment. I'd reached a point in my life where I could see no other way out. Debt, drugs and alcohol led me to drive my car to an underground car park and put the pipe on the exhaust. It was only because of the actions of a complete stranger, who called an ambulance and then smashed a window with his bare fists to drag me out of that car that I'm still here today. I can't imagine the pain I would've caused my mum if I'd been successful on that day, but thanks to that random stranger I'm still here and I can never thank that man enough for the fact that I'm still alive. 

I'm so glad now that my attempt was unsuccessful, but at the time it was all about ending the pain I was feeling. Yes, suicide might be a selfish thing to do, but for some people it might be the only way that they can see to end their pain.


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## Orikoru (Sep 1, 2022)

My birthday is next week. Every year now, around this time I start feeling down - my fear of death (diagnosed a long time ago as an 'anxiety disorder') means that getting a year older just brings it all up again in my mind. What hasn't helped recently was a football injury sustained a few months ago that's taken a long time to shake off, now making me feel old and past it in that sense as well - have certainly put on a bit of weight having not been able to play anywhere near as much sport as usual. I went to our training last night and just felt a hundred miles off the pace. Just feeling completely useless physically and mentally at the moment. We have a baby on the way next year, which I'm genuinely excited about, but also trying really hard not to see it as the 'your life's over' moment that some people take glee in trying to portray it. 

Last year on my birthday I actually cried. Admittedly had had a few beers, but still, it shouldn't be that bad should it? Maybe won't get much sympathy here as many of you are 20 or 30 years older than me, but I just can't bear the feelings I get around getting older.


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## Lord Tyrion (Sep 1, 2022)

Orikoru said:



			My birthday is next week. Every year now, around this time I start feeling down - my fear of death (diagnosed a long time ago as an 'anxiety disorder') means that getting a year older just brings it all up again in my mind. What hasn't helped recently was a football injury sustained a few months ago that's taken a long time to shake off, now making me feel old and past it in that sense as well - have certainly put on a bit of weight having not been able to play anywhere near as much sport as usual. I went to our training last night and just felt a hundred miles off the pace. Just feeling completely useless physically and mentally at the moment. We have a baby on the way next year, which I'm genuinely excited about, but also trying really hard not to see it as the 'your life's over' moment that some people take glee in trying to portray it.

Last year on my birthday I actually cried. Admittedly had had a few beers, but still, it shouldn't be that bad should it? Maybe won't get much sympathy here as many of you are 20 or 30 years older than me, but I just can't bear the feelings I get around getting older.
		
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Every sympathy mate, you can't help what you feel. 

Your life will improve with kids, honestly. Everything changes but so much for the better.

Anyway, keep posting, keep doing stuff.


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## Orikoru (Sep 1, 2022)

Lord Tyrion said:



			Every sympathy mate, you can't help what you feel.

Your life will improve with kids, honestly. Everything changes but so much for the better.

Anyway, keep posting, keep doing stuff.
		
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Thanks. When I do feel down I try and focus on the future little one and all the new challenges we'll have. Hopefully it means I'll stop worrying about myself full stop! It might be just what I need.


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## RichA (Sep 1, 2022)

Orikoru said:



			My birthday is next week. Every year now, around this time I start feeling down - my fear of death (diagnosed a long time ago as an 'anxiety disorder') means that getting a year older just brings it all up again in my mind. What hasn't helped recently was a football injury sustained a few months ago that's taken a long time to shake off, now making me feel old and past it in that sense as well - have certainly put on a bit of weight having not been able to play anywhere near as much sport as usual. I went to our training last night and just felt a hundred miles off the pace. Just feeling completely useless physically and mentally at the moment. We have a baby on the way next year, which I'm genuinely excited about, but also trying really hard not to see it as the 'your life's over' moment that some people take glee in trying to portray it. 

Last year on my birthday I actually cried. Admittedly had had a few beers, but still, it shouldn't be that bad should it? Maybe won't get much sympathy here as many of you are 20 or 30 years older than me, but I just can't bear the feelings I get around getting older.
		
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I get where you're coming from.
I'm 51, so a decade or 2 ahead of you. My best years, physically, might be behind me but each new phase that I enter in life, I find myself enjoying it more than the last.
When your body struggles to recover from 11-a-side football, move on to 5-a-side. When that's too much, focus on golf or helping your child get the most out of the pleasures that sport brings. 
I was chatting with a 60-something mate recently. He's loving walking football. That's a long way off for you but it shows that there's always something to scratch the itch.


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## Dando (Sep 1, 2022)

Orikoru said:



			Thanks. When I do feel down I try and focus on the future little one and all the new challenges we'll have. Hopefully it means I'll stop worrying about myself full stop! It might be just what I need. 

Click to expand...

If you want to chat drop me a message mate.

Easier said than done but don’t
Bottle it up


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## GB72 (Sep 1, 2022)

Orikoru said:



			My birthday is next week. Every year now, around this time I start feeling down - my fear of death (diagnosed a long time ago as an 'anxiety disorder') means that getting a year older just brings it all up again in my mind. What hasn't helped recently was a football injury sustained a few months ago that's taken a long time to shake off, now making me feel old and past it in that sense as well - have certainly put on a bit of weight having not been able to play anywhere near as much sport as usual. I went to our training last night and just felt a hundred miles off the pace. Just feeling completely useless physically and mentally at the moment. We have a baby on the way next year, which I'm genuinely excited about, but also trying really hard not to see it as the 'your life's over' moment that some people take glee in trying to portray it.

Last year on my birthday I actually cried. Admittedly had had a few beers, but still, it shouldn't be that bad should it? Maybe won't get much sympathy here as many of you are 20 or 30 years older than me, but I just can't bear the feelings I get around getting older.
		
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Not alone on the birthday thing. Mine comes from being just before Xmas. Throughout my life, everyone has been so wrapped up in Xmas shopping, Xmas parties and family matters and so my birthday always played second fiddle to the extent that I just gave up and pretty much ignore trying to celebrate as I always take people being busy doing other things at that time of year personally. Don't even go out as pubs and restaurants being full of Xmas decorations, Xmas music and Xmas menus just seems to depress me even more. Not sure that I have properly celebrated a birthday. Sometimes I get lucky and there is a gig I can go to but that is only if it is on a weekend. I am 50 this year and have absolutely no plans to celebrate in a large part due to an iherent fear of people not being able to do anything because of Xmas. Part of me would love a big bash to celebrate the half century but I know I will never arrange anything like that for the reasons mentioned and I will end up convincing my wife that I am happy at home with a few beers and a takeaway.


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## Dando (Sep 1, 2022)

GB72 said:



			Not alone on the birthday thing. Mine comes from being just before Xmas. Throughout my life, everyone has been so wrapped up in Xmas shopping, Xmas parties and family matters and so my birthday always played second fiddle to the extent that I just gave up and pretty much ignore trying to celebrate as I always take people being busy doing other things at that time of year personally. Don't even go out as pubs and restaurants being full of Xmas decorations, Xmas music and Xmas menus just seems to depress me even more. Not sure that I have properly celebrated a birthday. Sometimes I get lucky and there is a gig I can go to but that is only if it is on a weekend. I am 50 this year and have absolutely no plans to celebrate in a large part due to an iherent fear of people not being able to do anything because of Xmas. Part of me would love a big bash to celebrate the half century but I know I will never arrange anything like that for the reasons mentioned and I will end up convincing my wife that I am happy at home with a few beers and a takeaway.
		
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How about a game of golf with some equally sad people - best not play a cliff top course or one with deep water and take away away belts, shoes laces and sharp implements


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## backwoodsman (Sep 1, 2022)

How one perceives the passage of time is very much an individual thing. We all handle it differently and I can understand where your concerns come from. But remember, with the little one on the way you're about to embark on the most exciting bit of your life so far. Your " ...your life's passed by ..." moment  is hopefully one you can banish, to be replaced with 'it's only just starting..."
'


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## Orikoru (Sep 1, 2022)

Dando said:



			How about a game of golf with some equally sad people - best not play a cliff top course or one with deep water and take away away belts, shoes laces and sharp implements
		
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I always play golf on my birthday nowadays. I take the day off work, give my golf buddies notice so they can book it off too, and we'll go and play somewhere we've not played before, ideally. Golf is great to get wrapped up in and forget everything else. 

I do have drinks planned on the Saturday but also activities (shuffleboard and beer pong) - we rarely go out for a drink anymore, particularly since the pre-Covid years, so it's nice to have the excuse.


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## Piece (Sep 1, 2022)

Orikoru said:



			I always play golf on my birthday nowadays. I take the day off work, give my golf buddies notice so they can book it off too, and we'll go and play somewhere we've not played before, ideally. Golf is great to get wrapped up in and forget everything else.

I do have drinks planned on the Saturday but also activities (shuffleboard and beer pong) - we rarely go out for a drink anymore, particularly since the pre-Covid years, so it's nice to have the excuse.
		
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Can I ask what you do to fill your day and your week, typically? There is a reason for asking!


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## Orikoru (Sep 1, 2022)

Piece said:



			Can I ask what you do to fill your day and your week, typically? There is a reason for asking!
		
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Well I work a desk job, in the office two days a week and WFH three days a week. Usually play football Weds & Thurs evenings, used to play badminton and tennis in the week too but haven't done them for ages while I've had the injury. Might play nine holes on a Tuesday or Friday evening. Make dinner with my wife, on my WFH days we have lunch together and go for a walk.


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## Piece (Sep 1, 2022)

Orikoru said:



			Well I work a desk job, in the office two days a week and WFH three days a week. Usually play football Weds & Thurs evenings, used to play badminton and tennis in the week too but haven't done them for ages while I've had the injury. Might play nine holes on a Tuesday or Friday evening. Make dinner with my wife, on my WFH days we have lunch together and go for a walk.
		
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It is very common that people suffering from anxiety disorder spend too much thinking time about trivial and bad things, when what their brain requires is ample diversion (not distraction) to stop them thinking these anxious thoughts. It is training the brain subconsciously to stop the anxious thoughts; you can do this by good diversion when these thoughts pop-up; e.g. listen to a podcast, play a PS game, engage in a new activity where your brain is occupied. Planning a day structure or week structure can be a good way to help to minimise these downtimes where the mind wanders. 

Regarding your football; perhaps you can adapt your football activity by reffing instead until you are fitter, or just ref? I don't play anymore because I will get injured so I now ref and do football coaching. Perhaps take up a few new activities to stimulate and occupy the brain.


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## Tashyboy (Sep 1, 2022)

Orikoru said:



			My birthday is next week. Every year now, around this time I start feeling down - my fear of death (diagnosed a long time ago as an 'anxiety disorder') means that getting a year older just brings it all up again in my mind. What hasn't helped recently was a football injury sustained a few months ago that's taken a long time to shake off, now making me feel old and past it in that sense as well - have certainly put on a bit of weight having not been able to play anywhere near as much sport as usual. I went to our training last night and just felt a hundred miles off the pace. Just feeling completely useless physically and mentally at the moment. We have a baby on the way next year, which I'm genuinely excited about, but also trying really hard not to see it as the 'your life's over' moment that some people take glee in trying to portray it. 

Last year on my birthday I actually cried. Admittedly had had a few beers, but still, it shouldn't be that bad should it? Maybe won't get much sympathy here as many of you are 20 or 30 years older than me, but I just can't bear the feelings I get around getting older.
		
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In all honesty Ori me man. I don’t think you will get an answer to your dilemma ( I say dilemma coz I don’t think there’s a problem) re getting older. No one will say anything that makes you think “ yes that is the answer I am looking for”.  It won’t happen. You and you alone will one day figure that out. What I will say is that since last years birthday you have had another year in which has been tough again re Covid and many other things. You have become stronger and wiser because of that. In that last year since your birthday you have found out you will be a dad. Bloody hell your problems have just started in the sense you now become 3 rd in your priorities after your wife and child. It is a very happy problem to have. Especially now there’s a junior Spurs fan in the making. 
If I have to be brutally honest Ori. Social Media is full Of cocks  who talk like they would never do face to face. You have never once come across as a cock. The fact you are talking tells me you know there’s a dilemma. But one day you will work it out. 
Stay safe me man. Tash.


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## Orikoru (Sep 1, 2022)

Piece said:





It is very common that people suffering from anxiety disorder spend too much thinking time about trivial and bad things, when what their brain requires is ample diversion (not distraction) to stop them thinking these anxious thoughts. It is training the brain subconsciously to stop the anxious thoughts; you can do this by good diversion when these thoughts pop-up; e.g. listen to a podcast, play a PS game, engage in a new activity where your brain is occupied. Planning a day structure or week structure can be a good way to help to minimise these downtimes where the mind wanders.

Regarding your football; perhaps you can adapt your football activity by reffing instead until you are fitter, or just ref? I don't play anymore because I will get injured so I now ref and do football coaching. Perhaps take up a few new activities to stimulate and occupy the brain.
		
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Oh believe me, I'm always trying to find things that occupy my brain. Probably what led me to this forum originally and why I make so many posts! 😂

I will be giving up the Sunday League soon enough but I have a Thursday night game for an hour that I plan to keep going if I can. 👍🏻


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## Marshy77 (Sep 1, 2022)

Tashyboy said:



			In all honesty Ori me man. I don’t think you will get an answer to your dilemma ( I say dilemma coz I don’t think there’s a problem) re getting older. No one will say anything that makes you think “ yes that is the answer I am looking for”.  It won’t happen. You and you alone will one day figure that out. What I will say is that since last years birthday you have had another year in which has been tough again re Covid and many other things. You have become stronger and wiser because of that. In that last year since your birthday you have found out you will be a dad. Bloody hell your problems have just started in the sense you now become 3 rd in your priorities after your wife and child. It is a very happy problem to have. Especially now there’s a junior Spurs fan in the making.
If I have to be brutally honest Ori. Social Media is full Of cocks  who talk like they would never do face to face. You have never once come across as a cock. The fact you are talking tells me you know there’s a dilemma. But one day you will work it out.
Stay safe me man. Tash.
		
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That Tash, is bloody brilliant 👏

I think, still, us men are scared to talk about our feelings and threads like this most definitely help. A lot of us don't know each other so to make that move to type something, to me, is such a fantastic and positive thing. 

As Tash says the last 2 years have been tough on all of us, you've had some unbelievable life changing news with your baby on the way and a new chapter in your life. The fitness will come back, the weight can come off but slower unfortunately than before (I know this first hand!!) and you could incorporate this as a distraction to any negative thoughts or feelings.


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## BiMGuy (Sep 2, 2022)

Orikoru said:



			Thanks. When I do feel down I try and focus on the future little one and all the new challenges we'll have. Hopefully it means I'll stop worrying about myself full stop! It might be just what I need. 

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To be brutally honest. Your life as you know it now is over. But….. what you get in return is a whole new life that can be infinitely more rewarding if you embrace it and accept your old life is just that. 

It isn’t easy to adjust. And everyone experiences the adjustment differently. I’m 43 tomorrow, today I’ve played 9 holes with my lad, went shopping my 14 year old daughter and cooked for 10 of her friends. I’ve played 5aside this evening and been for a few beers with my mates.  8 of my daughters friends are currently making a racket downstairs thinking they are being edgy listening to Nirvana, Eminem and Metallica. 

It’s difficult to replace that feeling you get of playing team sports, 
being awake all weekend partying, or the holidays raving in Vegas and Ibiza just because you feel like it that weekend. 

As challenging as having kid is. I wouldn’t give up a single minute of it for anything I did prior to having them. Not even the Cat 1 handicap 😂. 

I gave up my Sunday football when my second was born. I now play 6 aside twice a week. I’m considering giving up one of them to play vets Ice Hockey as my eldest has got me back into skating.

You have a whole new world of possibilities in front of you. Embrace it.


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## Jimaroid (Sep 2, 2022)

Orikoru said:



			We have a baby on the way next year, which I'm genuinely excited about, but also trying really hard not to see it as the 'your life's over' moment that some people take glee in trying to portray it.
		
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Your life is just beginning. I mean this. What I’d say is to ignore the male bravado and banter, just focus on preparing to look after the baby and getting to enjoy life’s most wonderful experience. What I write next is completely genuine to me and I say it as someone who was going through some of the feelings you seem to be having. If I could go back and say all this to myself I would. In fact I’d want to give myself a good slap at the same time. Truthfully I think all men face these feelings, and especially at some point towards a first child (mine came in my late 30’s.) Anyone that says they don’t is either lying or too daft to know it. And some of this may not seem believable or genuine right now, I dismissed similar thoughts told to me prior to birth, but I promise it will make sense when you’ve gone through it so I hope you can look back and appreciate this…

The moment I held my daughter in my hands for the first time was the moment my own life finally made any sense. All the worries, doubts, anxiety, depression and self harm vanished. It was replaced by overwhelming feelings of being content with my simple task in life: to be a father, to be family. It was a lightning bolt, a switch that flipped, my life’s entire meaning was held in my hands.

Yes. There will be many sacrifices. But every single time you make that trade-off to do less for yourself and more for your daughter is a really really Good Thing and it brings joy.

You’ll find other hobbies and other ways to find your “me time” - I found for at least the first two years that most “me time” involved a cheeky wee sleep in the car and I didn’t regret a single minute.

You will find ways to overcome and be content that we are all mortal, we all continue to exist in the people we leave behind and “All we are is dust in the wind, dude.”


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## Tashyboy (Sep 2, 2022)

Jimaroid said:



			Your life is just beginning. I mean this. What I’d say is to ignore the male bravado and banter, just focus on preparing to look after the baby and getting to enjoy life’s most wonderful experience. What I write next is completely genuine to me and I say it as someone who was going through some of the feelings you seem to be having. If I could go back and say all this to myself I would. In fact I’d want to give myself a good slap at the same time. Truthfully I think all men face these feelings, and especially at some point towards a first child (mine came in my late 30’s.) Anyone that says they don’t is either lying or too daft to know it. And some of this may not seem believable or genuine right now, I dismissed similar thoughts told to me prior to birth, but I promise it will make sense when you’ve gone through it so I hope you can look back and appreciate this…

The moment I held my daughter in my hands for the first time was the moment my own life finally made any sense. All the worries, doubts, anxiety, depression and self harm vanished. It was replaced by overwhelming feelings of being content with my simple task in life: to be a father, to be family. It was a lightning bolt, a switch that flipped, my life’s entire meaning was held in my hands.

Yes. There will be many sacrifices. But every single time you make that trade-off to do less for yourself and more for your daughter is a really really Good Thing and it brings joy.

You’ll find other hobbies and other ways to find your “me time” - I found for at least the first two years that most “me time” involved a cheeky wee sleep in the car and I didn’t not regret a single minute.

You will find ways to overcome and be content that we are all mortal, we all continue to exist in the people we leave behind and “All we are is dust in the wind, dude.”
		
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Ori , Jim had said what I mentioned in my post. He worked it out himself. You will as well.


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## BrianM (Sep 6, 2022)

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1567173320256196611
Think this is worthy of this thread.


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## Liverpoolphil (Sep 7, 2022)

BrianM said:




__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1567173320256196611
Think this is worthy of this thread.
		
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__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1567186428014039040


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## Dando (Sep 7, 2022)

I must admit joining a club and being able to play whenever I want has helped with my depression as time time in the open air getting some exercise is great. 

The forum meets or odd 4 ball (some 4 balls are VERY odd) are good as well although I struggle with those where an overnight stay is needed


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## Imurg (Sep 8, 2022)

Not having a good day today...😔


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## GB72 (Sep 8, 2022)

Imurg said:



			Not having a good day today...😔
		
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Always free to chat in private messages if you need it.


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## SteveW86 (Sep 8, 2022)

Having kids definitely changes things, our daughter is 3 next week and has just had her first couple of days at nursery. i think that was harder for us as parents than it was for her, she absolutely loved it. She is now at an age where she is so much fun and you can see her charachter fully developing.

Its not without struggle though, we have had 2 miscarriages this year trying for our 2nd child. This isnt something I have really spoken about with anyone very much and something that has hit my wife harder than it as me, but a lot of our friends are now pregnant with their 2nd child so social events with them will become harder as they "show" more.


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## stefanovic (Sep 8, 2022)

At age 72 this year for the first time ever I have asked for mental health help.
I've had one phone call and am due to have a face to face appointment in a few months, so I don't think I'm an urgent case.
But this is very strange.
Is this a consequence of us being in transition from human to cyborg?
Poor mental health could be the price we pay for our new technology.
I don't have a mobile phone but I am affected by this new level of noise.

I don't think anything is better for mental health than quietude and a good night's sleep.
Seeing a night sky full of stars is what our ancestors saw, but most of us today have probably never seen it.

I have tried yoga, meditation, tai chi, mindfulness. They can help but they are not a solution.
I'm informed I now need to try crystals and a Gong bath.

No, no. Just give me peace and quiet, clean air, an open road and I'm happy.
Did it yesterday with a 12 mile walk along the River Severn.


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## Dando (Sep 8, 2022)

GB72 said:



			Always free to chat in private messages if you need it.
		
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i've just given him some sound career advice


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## Dando (Sep 8, 2022)

stefanovic said:



			At age 72 this year for the first time ever I have asked for mental health help.
I've had one phone call and am due to have a face to face appointment in a few months, so I don't think I'm an urgent case.
But this is very strange.
Is this a consequence of us being in transition from human to cyborg?
Poor mental health could be the price we pay for our new technology.
I don't have a mobile phone but I am affected by this new level of noise.

I don't think anything is better for mental health than quietude and a good night's sleep.
Seeing a night sky full of stars is what our ancestors saw, but most of us today have probably never seen it.

I have tried yoga, meditation, tai chi, mindfulness. They can help but they are not a solution.
I'm informed I now need to try crystals and a Gong bath.

No, no. Just give me peace and quiet, clean air, an open road and I'm happy.
Did it yesterday with a 12 mile walk along the River Severn.
		
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if you need help then Mind are excellent - my local one runs a 24hr crisis cafe where you can pop along and chat to someone. i have used it a few times and its been really helpfull


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## Dando (Sep 8, 2022)

SteveW86 said:



			Having kids definitely changes things, our daughter is 3 next week and has just had her first couple of days at nursery. i think that was harder for us as parents than it was for her, she absolutely loved it. She is now at an age where she is so much fun and you can see her charachter fully developing.

Its not without struggle though, we have had 2 miscarriages this year trying for our 2nd child. This isnt something I have really spoken about with anyone very much and something that has hit my wife harder than it as me, but a lot of our friends are now pregnant with their 2nd child so social events with them will become harder as they "show" more.
		
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sorry to hear the bad news mate.


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## Aztecs27 (Sep 8, 2022)

SteveW86 said:



			Having kids definitely changes things, our daughter is 3 next week and has just had her first couple of days at nursery. i think that was harder for us as parents than it was for her, she absolutely loved it. She is now at an age where she is so much fun and you can see her charachter fully developing.

Its not without struggle though, we have had 2 miscarriages this year trying for our 2nd child. This isnt something I have really spoken about with anyone very much and something that has hit my wife harder than it as me, but a lot of our friends are now pregnant with their 2nd child so social events with them will become harder as they "show" more.
		
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Sorry to hear this mate. If you need help/support, let me know - my friend runs a miscarriage support charity (Miscarriage Mumma - but it focuses on support for both mums and dads), happy to put you in touch. 

On your other point my lad started school on Tuesday - bonkers where the time has gone but I'm so proud of the little lad he's becoming. Our 6 week old daughter is the world's most terrible sleeper which means I'm really bloody tired ALL OF THE TIME - but she's so damn cute and I can't wait for her to (hopefully!) become daddy's little girl that I can hang out with and spoil. 

Having kids is the beginning of the end, but it's so rewarding (and exhausting) and the best thing I've ever achieved in my life. 

I still have worries and anxiety about death (it comes over me without warning, usually when I'm in the bathroom or driving, oddly enough), but it's certainly less since my kids arrived.


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## Tashyboy (Sep 8, 2022)

SteveW86 said:



			Having kids definitely changes things, our daughter is 3 next week and has just had her first couple of days at nursery. i think that was harder for us as parents than it was for her, she absolutely loved it. She is now at an age where she is so much fun and you can see her charachter fully developing.

Its not without struggle though, we have had 2 miscarriages this year trying for our 2nd child. This isnt something I have really spoken about with anyone very much and something that has hit my wife harder than it as me, but a lot of our friends are now pregnant with their 2nd child so social events with them will become harder as they "show" more.
		
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It’s hard to like a post without “ liking it”. If you know what I mean. This thread and dementia is the very best of this forum. Golfs brilliant but it’s the tip of our iceberg. Lots of that iceberg is buried and unseen. Talking and reading of our problems in life helps. A problem shared and all that. It shows we are not alone and it’s not a competition to see who has the biggest problems but this thread does show that talking and sharing does help. It also shows that people Do get there lives back on track. Some sooner than others.
Gutted for the tough times Your both going through and hopefully one day soon you will be having sleepless nights due to another little one waking you up.
All the best Tash.


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## Tashyboy (Sep 8, 2022)

It’s strange typing this. Am currently sat waiting for an appointment for me dad at the dementia clinic. The demands on me and Missis T re parents kids etc at the moment are just back breaking. 
But somehow we/ Team Tash just crack on. Another day without golf which is my stress relief button.


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## Orikoru (Sep 8, 2022)

SteveW86 said:



			Its not without struggle though, we have had 2 miscarriages this year trying for our 2nd child. This isnt something I have really spoken about with anyone very much and something that has hit my wife harder than it as me, but a lot of our friends are now pregnant with their 2nd child so social events with them will become harder as they "show" more.
		
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We had one as well, earlier this year. I would not wish it upon anybody. So horrible seeing my wife go through that. They did say after a miscarriage woman are generally more fertile and have a high chance of getting pregnant again quite quickly, and we were lucky enough that that was true for us. Hopefully it will be true for you, albeit after terrible luck to go through 2 of them in a row.


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## GB72 (Sep 8, 2022)

Tashyboy said:



			It’s strange typing this. Am currently sat waiting for an appointment for me dad at the dementia clinic. The demands on me and Missis T re parents kids etc at the moment are just back breaking.
But somehow we/ Team Tash just crack on. Another day without golf which is my stress relief button.
		
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Father in laws partner went through early onset dimentia at 52 until she finally passed away. Not something I would wish on anyone. Thoughts with you mate.


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## BiMGuy (Sep 8, 2022)

We were lucky that our two were conceived quite easily. But we’ve good friends who struggled and suffered miscarriages. It was heartbreaking enough for us so I can’t imagine what it must be like to go through it.

Both ours were difficult labours though. The second was particularly and was touch and go for a while immediately after birth and had to be brought to by the doctors. All while the wife was losing a lot of blood. It was pretty traumatic watching the doctors work on the boy whilst another was looking after the wife. Thankfully everyone was ok.
The only good thing was the wife had no idea just what was going on with him at the time.

I thought about it a lot at the time. But as time goes on it slowly drifts away. Occasionally I’ll wake up and think about it or randomly when doing something. It still brings me out in cold sweats. 
The first episode of House of Dragons brought it all back with a bump. 

To look the bright side. Look at all of us men folk talking about our feelings. Despite our differences of opinion on many subjects. It’s good to see people opening up and supporting each other 🤜🏻🤛🏻


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## Robster59 (Sep 8, 2022)

Imurg said:



			Not having a good day today...😔
		
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Sorry to hear. I hope you're ok


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## Imurg (Dec 2, 2022)

Nothing serious but another day that reminds me how fragile the mind can be and a reminder that it doesn't take a lot to trip me over.
A combination of things, golf off due to fog and cold, parcels going missing, The Boy breaking down on his first long trip to Wales, the weather ......etc etc etc
Alone they're nothing to get het up about...mashed together and it's another day that can do one.......
A poor night's sleep hasn't helped..biggest concern is getting The Boy and his car back from Newbury. 
Apologies for the swear word

BELGIUM!!!!


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## GB72 (Dec 2, 2022)

For me it is all about hitting 50 next week. Just not dealing with it particularly well. Nothing serious just a lot of facing up to my own mortality plus trying to find a way to have a bit of a celebration that does not set me off but also does not put anyone's nose out of joint (a constant issue for birthdays around Xmas).


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## Imurg (Dec 2, 2022)

GB72 said:



			For me it is all about hitting 50 next week. Just not dealing with it particularly well. Nothing serious just a lot of facing up to my own mortality plus trying to find a way to have a bit of a celebration that does not set me off but also does not put anyone's nose out of joint (a constant issue for birthdays around Xmas).
		
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It's definitely a fence that needs climbing over...not a biggie but big enough..
Just wait till 60's staring you in the face


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## Tashyboy (Dec 2, 2022)

Imurg said:



			Nothing serious but another day that reminds me how fragile the mind can be and a reminder that it doesn't take a lot to trip me over.
A combination of things, golf off due to fog and cold, parcels going missing, The Boy breaking down on his first long trip to Wales, the weather ......etc etc etc
Alone they're nothing to get het up about...mashed together and it's another day that can do one.......
A poor night's sleep hasn't helped..biggest concern is getting The Boy and his car back from Newbury.
Apologies for the swear word

BELGIUM!!!!
		
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This sums it up.
Tashyboys theory on stress, mental health probs etc. 
Life is a plate it only holds so much, when it starts falling off we struggle to cope. everyones plate is a different size. What for me is important is to differentiate what is and what is not important. The golf will be back so as irritating as it is and it helps with the stress relief. That I wouldnt bother about, parcels going missing 🤬DPD, yup been there but it will sort itself out. Sorting out the lad is the main priority. Once that’s done it’s a big sigh of relief.
On a positive, your game has been rammel lately so there’s been no stress from missing a day 😉
Finally talking does help.


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## Tashyboy (Dec 2, 2022)

Imurg said:



			It's definitely a fence that needs climbing over...not a biggie but big enough..
Just wait till 60's staring you in the face

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It is in March 🤔😳😖 Thankyou for the heads up 😂😂


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## Swinglowandslow (Dec 2, 2022)

Might have got it wrong, but instead of worrying about getting to 50 or 60, I’d have thought if there was anything to worry about it was about NOT getting there .!


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## Rooter (Dec 2, 2022)

Imurg said:



			A poor night's sleep hasn't helped..biggest concern is getting The Boy and his car back from Newbury.
		
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I would worry about that too, some right dodgy characters round there!!!


(let me know if you need owt!! ;-) )


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## GB72 (Dec 2, 2022)

Swinglowandslow said:



			Might have got it wrong, but instead of worrying about getting to 50 or 60, I’d have thought if there was anything to worry about it was about NOT getting there .!
		
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I guess it has triggered a certain level of self reflection and I have been struggling to focus on what I have achieved as my brain wants to look at what I have not achieved over the last 50 years. Plus, the male side of my family do not tend to get much past 70 and so you start looking at your own mortality and start seeing a ticking clock. Not rational, just what it is.


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## Imurg (Dec 2, 2022)

Rooter said:



			I would worry about that too, some right dodgy characters round there!!!


(let me know if you need owt!! ;-) )
		
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Why did I instantly think of you ..?
Sounds like Mr RAC has got it going and they're in the Services having a bite and warming up.
Theyre discussing whether to go on or come home - I think that's stressing me more...😫


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## RichA (Dec 2, 2022)

GB72 said:



			I guess it has triggered a certain level of self reflection and I have been struggling to focus on what I have achieved as my brain wants to look at what I have not achieved over the last 50 years. Plus, the male side of my family do not tend to get much past 70 and so you start looking at your own mortality and start seeing a ticking clock. Not rational, just what it is.
		
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I'm approaching 52. 
For what it's worth, once you turn 50 everybody's expectations of you seem to suddenly lessen.
Learning not to give a **** isn't easy, but it's worth persevering for the overall MH benefits.


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## Imurg (Dec 2, 2022)

RichA said:



			I'm approaching 52.
For what it's worth, once you turn 50 everybody's expectations of you seem to suddenly lessen.
Learning not to give a **** isn't easy, but it's worth persevering for the overall MH benefits.
		
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This, this, this....
Learn to play the Grumpy Old Man role and wallow in it....


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## PhilTheFragger (Dec 2, 2022)

50 is the new 40
And 60…. That’s the new 40 too 👍


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## Imurg (Dec 2, 2022)

PhilTheFragger said:



			50 is the new 40
And 60…. That’s the new 40 too 👍
		
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What's 61 then..?
Asking for a friend.....


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## PhilTheFragger (Dec 2, 2022)

Imurg said:



			What's 61 then..?
Asking for a friend.....

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Way I’m feeling at the mo (rampant squits for 4 days) (sorry if too much info)
Then prob 61 is the new 89 🙄


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## ger147 (Dec 20, 2022)

Tough day today.

Spent last night out on the town celebrating my daughter's 21st birthday. Had a great night and all was well with the world.

Got a phone call today, a young guy aged just 37 who I've known for a number of years and played many a game of golf with as we were members at the same golf club has taken his own life, leaving 2 kids without a dad.

Tragic...


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## Dando (Dec 21, 2022)

ger147 said:



			Tough day today.

Spent last night out on the town celebrating my daughter's 21st birthday. Had a great night and all was well with the world.

Got a phone call today, a young guy aged just 37 who I've known for a number of years and played many a game of golf with as we were members at the same golf club has taken his own life, leaving 2 kids without a dad.

Tragic...
		
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That’s awful


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## SwingsitlikeHogan (Dec 21, 2022)

ger147 said:



			Tough day today.

Spent last night out on the town celebrating my daughter's 21st birthday. Had a great night and all was well with the world.

Got a phone call today, a young guy aged just 37 who I've known for a number of years and played many a game of golf with as we were members at the same golf club has taken his own life, leaving 2 kids without a dad.

Tragic...
		
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That’s just so grim…too many young men…😟


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## Stuart_C (Dec 21, 2022)

ger147 said:



			Tough day today.

Spent last night out on the town celebrating my daughter's 21st birthday. Had a great night and all was well with the world.

Got a phone call today, a young guy aged just 37 who I've known for a number of years and played many a game of golf with as we were members at the same golf club has taken his own life, leaving 2 kids without a dad.

Tragic...
		
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So sorry to hear that Ger, I feel sick reading that.


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## Mudball (Jan 2, 2023)

Met up with my old Univ mate of mine and his family. He is not very social and tends to wfh even before lockdown. Lovely family with 2 kids. He is on various whatsapp groups with me. He works in IT but will take ages to return any calls or WA messages. He was like that before the Internet was around, so i am used to it.

Over Christmas, his Mrs confided in mine that they have hit a rough patch and are separating in the new year. Apparently lockdown affected my friend a lot. All of them on top of each other in a small London flat. He converted their small bedroom into his office and bedroom. Progressively took up drinking during the day. Would close his bedroom door all day and stay in. Small disagreements have turned to shouting and then threw his wife out of the house one day. She had to stay over at a colleagues house.  Kids are scared of him. The boy can’t wait to escape to Uni next year but the girl is about 5. Wife can’t take it anymore. She was not going to visit us but my Mrs insisted.. last social visit.

Never in the last 24 months did i suspect anything was amiss with my friend. I feel a bit angry with myself for not being there for him. Also I would not have offered him a drink when we met.  Never would i have guessed that my introvert friend who is about 5 feet tall could become so mentally disturbed to take up alcohol abuse and take it out on his family … Having know him for over 3 decades, this was indeed a Sad day for me


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## RichA (Jan 2, 2023)

Sad. Not your fault.


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## Tashyboy (Jan 2, 2023)

Mudball said:



			Met up with my old Univ mate of mine and his family. He is not very social and tends to wfh even before lockdown. Lovely family with 2 kids. He is on various whatsapp groups with me. He works in IT but will take ages to return any calls or WA messages. He was like that before the Internet was around, so i am used to it.

Over Christmas, his Mrs confided in mine that they have hit a rough patch and are separating in the new year. Apparently lockdown affected my friend a lot. All of them on top of each other in a small London flat. He converted their small bedroom into his office and bedroom. Progressively took up drinking during the day. Would close his bedroom door all day and stay in. Small disagreements have turned to shouting and then threw his wife out of the house one day. She had to stay over at a colleagues house.  Kids are scared of him. The boy can’t wait to escape to Uni next year but the girl is about 5. Wife can’t take it anymore. She was not going to visit us but my Mrs insisted.. last social visit.

*Never in the last 24 months did i suspect anything was amiss with my friend. I feel a bit angry with myself for not being there for him. Also I would not have offered him a drink when we met.  Never would i have guessed that my introvert friend who is about 5 feet tall could become so mentally disturbed to take up alcohol abuse and take it out on his family* … Having know him for over 3 decades, this was indeed a Sad day for me
		
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I was thinking over Xmas about starting a thread on alcohol abuse. Daughter went a funeral of her pal who died through alcohol. It really hit her. Had a few discussions re folk me and Missis T know who are seriously struggling. Having man flu stopped me broaching the subject. Sad times for folk who have a alcohol problem. ☹️


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