# Golf - The unwritten rules....



## effayjay (Oct 28, 2015)

Ill start off:

1. Your Club web page must describe your course as a "hidden gem".

2. The only food allowed before golf is a "bacon bap on arrival".

3. Every time someone gets out of a bunker you must shout "well out".

4. When practicing putting you must use three balls, no other number is permitted.


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## Norrin Radd (Oct 28, 2015)

you must never laugh when your playing partner knobs one in the water when playing bounce games.


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## Val (Oct 28, 2015)

You announce "play well" to the rest of your medal 3 ball as you stride first to peg it up on the first tee


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## jamielaing (Oct 28, 2015)

From watching pros- you only shout fore when it is absolutely necessary. A finger point will suffice.


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## One Planer (Oct 28, 2015)

Aren't you supposed to stand in a certain place while someone addresses the ball and plays their shot


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## Break90 (Oct 28, 2015)

Shouting at your ball mid-flight will absolutely affect the final result of your shot


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## tsped83 (Oct 28, 2015)

Hitting a minimum of 7 different trees on a round of golf is mandatory.


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## Tongo (Oct 28, 2015)

Break90 said:



			Shouting at your ball mid-flight will absolutely affect the final result of your shot
		
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It works for Jordan!


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## Karl102 (Oct 28, 2015)

Your third off the tee is the best shot you will hit all day!


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## StrangelyBrown (Oct 28, 2015)

One of your Saturday fourball will arrive still wrecked from Friday night.

It's normally me.


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## ShankyBoy (Oct 28, 2015)

Someone with half a swing a selection of 2 clubs for all holes will probably beat you.


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## North Mimms (Oct 28, 2015)

When playing Stableford, any score of three points should be followed by a score of 1 point.

Any player who disregards this rule, and scores 3 points on two consectutive holes MUST blob the next three holes


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## North Mimms (Oct 28, 2015)

If a player fails to get ball out of bunker on first attempt, under NO circumtances may they escape with the second shot.
A minimum of three attempts is compulsory


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## garyinderry (Oct 28, 2015)

Can't miss on the putting green guarantees you won't hole a thing on the  course.


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## Tongo (Oct 28, 2015)

Being called through is a guarantee that you'll louse up the tee shot.


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## Deleted Member 1156 (Oct 28, 2015)

You should always change your shoes in the car park.


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## jamielaing (Oct 28, 2015)

When you order a new driver/ putter because yours is horrendous and you have to wait two weeks for it to arrive your old club suddenly becomes red hot.


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## North Mimms (Oct 28, 2015)

jamielaing said:



			When you order a new driver/ putter because yours is horrendous and you have to wait two weeks for it to arrive your old club suddenly becomes red hot.
		
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Sub rule- any club that you borrow is awesome. If you buy the exact same club, it will be rubbish


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## JamesR (Oct 28, 2015)

Break90 said:



			Shouting at your ball mid-flight will absolutely affect the final result of your shot
		
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Clicking your fingers will add spin to any chip shot/bunker shot


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## Crawfy (Oct 28, 2015)

When you miss a putt in a bounce game. Your retaken "practice" putt will always go in. Always.


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## Marshy77 (Oct 28, 2015)

When playing poorly try changing your ball - that is probably the problem.


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## Lord Tyrion (Oct 28, 2015)

If you use Lake Balls but decide to use a genuinely new and expensive ball for a change and a treat then you will lose that ball on the first hole of use so realising why you used Lake Balls in the first place.


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## SwingsitlikeHogan (Oct 28, 2015)

effayjay said:



			Ill start off:

1. Your Club web page must describe your course as a "hidden gem".

2. The only food allowed before golf is a "bacon bap on arrival".

3. Every time someone gets out of a bunker you must shout "well out".

4. When practicing putting you must use three balls, no other number is permitted.
		
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1.  Yup
2. 'Bap' is a horrid word 
3.  They don't for my pathetic efforts - more likely to say 'never mind'
4.  I use one - occasionally two if I am feeling enthusiastic


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## SwingsitlikeHogan (Oct 28, 2015)

One Planer said:



			Aren't you supposed to stand in a certain place while someone addresses the ball and plays their shot 

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Yes - at the HNSP whenever and whenever possible


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## Fyldewhite (Oct 28, 2015)

Even on the hottest day of the year, a red hot bowl of Tomato and Basil soup will be on the lunch menu of every 27 hole society day.


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## Doh (Oct 28, 2015)

You must be playing rubbish to book a lesson.


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## Crawfy (Oct 28, 2015)

A post game bag of crisps must be opened laid out on the table and shared 'buffet' style with your playing partners...with the words "Help yourself"


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## StrangelyBrown (Oct 28, 2015)

Crawfy said:



			A post game bag of crisps must be opened laid out on the table and shared 'buffet' style with your playing partners...with the words "Help yourself"
		
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A bowl of chips is also permissible.


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## Jimaroid (Oct 28, 2015)

It is impossible to fat or thin a tight lie in a practice swing. Your subsequent shot will be fat or thin irrespective of how many practice swings you take.

When at the teeing ground and observing a player's ball fall from a tee, you must declare "One!" as if you are the first person on Earth to have conceived such merriment.


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## jdpjamesp (Oct 28, 2015)

No idea if this has been posted yet sorry. 

A provisional ball will always fly straight and true.


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## bobmac (Oct 28, 2015)

Any changes I make to a pupils swing only lasts 3 holes


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## Duckster (Oct 28, 2015)

jdpjamesp said:



			No idea if this has been posted yet sorry. 

A provisional ball will always fly straight and true.
		
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Once it has flown straight and true you will guarantee that you'll find your original ball.  And boy it won't be sitting pretty, normally behind a tree.


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## Spear-Chucker (Oct 28, 2015)

Explaining you are a golfer to the uninitiated always results in the question "have you ever had a hole in one?"


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## bobmac (Oct 28, 2015)

Tree trunks are not 90% air


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## Lord Tyrion (Oct 28, 2015)

SwingsitlikeHogan said:



			1.  Yup
2. 'Bap' is a horrid word 
3.  They don't for my pathetic efforts - more likely to say 'never mind'
4.  I use one - occasionally two if I am feeling enthusiastic
		
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You, sir are breaking some of the unwritten rules. Shame on you.


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## daymond (Oct 28, 2015)

All courses are a CAMPIONSHIP COURSE.


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## Break90 (Oct 28, 2015)

The quickest way to stop a rain shower mid-round is to put your waterproofs on.

The quickest way to ensure said shower sticks around is to not put your waterproofs on.


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## MadAdey (Oct 28, 2015)

the person on the tee with a matching set of shiny clubs, with the matching bag is not a low handicapper.


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## SwingsitlikeHogan (Oct 28, 2015)

You must miss the 18"-24" putt every time you do not go through your putting routine even although you will still concentrate on holing it - mandatory.


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## hovis (Oct 28, 2015)

When a player knocks his ball off the tee a member of the group must say "ONE"


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## Swingalot (Oct 28, 2015)

Your best round of the season will then be followed with your worse round and you will then be stuck in a rut of poor golf for the foreseeable future.


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## SwingsitlikeHogan (Oct 28, 2015)

after hitting a hook/slice tee shot you must exclaim to all and sundry that 'I just don't *play* that shot' - having hit the same tee shot on the previous 5 holes.


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## SwingsitlikeHogan (Oct 28, 2015)

The player whose honour it is on the tee is that player most unprepared to play


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## bladeplayer (Oct 28, 2015)

The extreme furthest you have ever hit any club,  even down wind on concrete hard fairways is now your average ..

You must tell your PP regularly  about the day you played a certain hole in a good way , even if it was once 8 yr ago & youve scratched it ever since .. 


You must admit to never having played this well ever before when you hand some guy his rear end on a plate when your 2 over through 12 off 22 handicap 

If you shoot -1 you will be pipped by a cat4 player with Double bogey  for 2 Double bogey for 2 ..Double bogey  for 2 , par for 5 


EDIT . apologies to high handicappers for last 2 , but its often true , esp in our place


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## SwingsitlikeHogan (Oct 28, 2015)

SwingsitlikeHogan said:



			You must miss the 18"-24" putt every time you do not go through your putting routine even although you will still concentrate on holing it - mandatory.
		
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With the complementary rule being that you will always knock in the 6 footer when it doesn't matter; you can be bothered, and just waft your putter at the ball.


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## bladeplayer (Oct 28, 2015)

MadAdey said:



			the person on the tee with a matching set of shiny clubs, with the matching bag is not a low handicapper.
		
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:rofl::clap:


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## drewster (Oct 28, 2015)

At least once a round someone will say " i'd be a rich man if i could sell provisionall bals"  and "does your husband play" when you leave a putt short.


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## bobmac (Oct 28, 2015)

To win on tour, you have to have a beard


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## Crawfy (Oct 28, 2015)

StrangelyBrown said:



			A bowl of chips is also permissible.
		
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Agreed. However Tomato sauce/brown sauce / Mayo application must be negotiated.


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## ADB (Oct 28, 2015)

bobmac said:



			To win on tour, you have to have a beard
		
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The greens will always be verti-drained and sanded if you have just started to putt well.


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## Crawfy (Oct 28, 2015)

One must use a discarded broken tee on each Par 3. But only after throwing grass in the air to check wind speed/direction.


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## MadAdey (Oct 28, 2015)

When you've hit a shot that is clearly 20 yards into a lake, you still go and look on the off chance of finding it.


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## MadAdey (Oct 28, 2015)

If you play a PROV1, then you can guarantee to find a TOP FLITE when searching for your ball.

The same applies, but vice versa for the TOP FLITE player.


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## jamielaing (Oct 28, 2015)

On a reachable par 4 you should let all your playing partners play before you announcing you are going for the green. Wait 5 minutes for the green to clear then snap hook it into the trees.


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## ADB (Oct 28, 2015)

If someone asks you how you played, they weren't asking for a hole-by-hole recap of your round


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## Crawfy (Oct 28, 2015)

Even from the rough, every approach shot distance must equate to the best ever shot you have hit with that club from a perfect lie on the driving range.


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## williamalex1 (Oct 28, 2015)

You must always say hard luck to your FC when his ball horseshoes out for a half , while laughing like Muttley under your breath.:smirk:


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## bobmac (Oct 28, 2015)

If you miss a putt, you must immediately tap down the invisible spike mark that your ball didn't hit.


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## jamielaing (Oct 28, 2015)

Every par 72 course you will ever come across is a 'true test of golf'

When playing a famous or prestigious course the starter will ask you to help yourself to what you will need for your round from the box provided. You should take no less than 50 pencils, 100 tees and try and get 20 pitch repairers.

When the missus drags you to Ikea you are secretly excited about all the free pencils for your golf.


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## virtuocity (Oct 28, 2015)

The highest handicapper MUST tee off first.


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## sev112 (Oct 28, 2015)

You are always the only person in the massive field that had 3 blobs, and if you hadn't you would have won


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## bluewolf (Oct 28, 2015)

jamielaing said:



			When the missus drags you to Ikea you are secretly excited about all the free pencils for your golf.
		
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Lol, this is the only reason I let her take me to IKEA.. Nonchalantly wandering round, whilst secretly picking up 3-4 pencils from every dispenser.. All this whilst the Missus looks on like you're stealing the Crown Jewels...


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## williamalex1 (Oct 28, 2015)

bluewolf said:



			Lol, this is the only reason I let her take me to IKEA.. Nonchalantly wandering round, whilst secretly picking up 3-4 pencils from every dispenser.. All this whilst the Missus looks on like you're stealing the Crown Jewels...
		
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Screwfix :thup:.


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## UlyssesSky (Oct 28, 2015)

jdpjamesp said:



			No idea if this has been posted yet sorry. 

A provisional ball will always fly straight and true.
		
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This is actually more complicated:

a) If a provisional ball goes straight and long right onto the fairway, the original ball will be found in the most horrendous lie so the provisional has to be abandoned.

b) If the provisional does not fly as described above but ends up in the rough/OOB/behind a tree, you don't even have to start looking for the original as it will surely be lost and the provisional becomes the ball in play.


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## Astraeus (Oct 28, 2015)

You shall always knock in a nonchalant putt with your putter's back after missing a similar distance, lined up putt.


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## MashieNiblick (Oct 28, 2015)

Nice thread.

Here's a couple which I don't think have been mentioned

If you retire a scruffy ball mid round you will lose the brand new replacement on the next hole.

You will hit your worst shot of the day after being called through.


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## KenL (Oct 28, 2015)

When deciding to hole out rather than marking someone must tell you to "take your time".

After being told to "take your time", you must miss your tap in!

A missed short putt if not caused by the above situation is due to a crowned hole.

In a bunker your ball must go into a footprint left by some other inconsiderate git.


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## Crow (Oct 28, 2015)

Any player who doesn't use a tee on a par three must make a big thing of throwing his ball down in order to ensure that all PPs are aware of the fact.


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## GG26 (Oct 28, 2015)

When entering the 2s pot in a competition, you are three of the tee on most par 3s.

When it starts to rain you realise that you left your macwets at home

When playing a new course without a GPS every hole seems nearer than it actually is


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## Ian_S (Oct 28, 2015)

Wind will only affect ball flight when you forget to take it into account.

No amount of wind will bring your ball back if you deliberately start it out left.


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## williamalex1 (Oct 28, 2015)

MashieNiblick said:



			Nice thread.

Here's a couple which I don't think have been mentioned

If you retire a scruffy ball mid round you will lose the brand new replacement on the next hole.

You will hit your worst shot of the day after being called through.
		
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Sods law i fear.


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## PhilTheFragger (Oct 28, 2015)

The Highest Handicapper always keeps the group scorecard

You are obliged to say " Nobody Likes To See That" at least once each round


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## Blue in Munich (Oct 28, 2015)

No matter the size of the locker room, if there are only 2 golfers in it, their clothing/bags will be in adjacent lockers/spaces.


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## williamalex1 (Oct 28, 2015)

Whistle the dam busters tune when some poor souls ball goes in the water.


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## jdpjamesp (Oct 28, 2015)

"The friendliest club in xxx" is a lie.


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## MadAdey (Oct 28, 2015)

If you join the senior roll up for a knock there will always be the same players............

the one that calls in the bakery for sausage rolls and has a small feast inside his bag

the one that has the hard boiled sweets

and the one that has a hip flask with something 'a little special' in it


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## williamalex1 (Oct 28, 2015)

MadAdey said:



			If you join the senior roll up for a knock there will always be the same players............

the one that calls in the bakery for sausage rolls and has a small feast inside his bag

the one that has the hard boiled sweets

and the one that has a hip flask with something 'a little special' in it
		
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Brilliant , but you missed the dodgy handicaps, and the wee smell.


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## ColchesterFC (Oct 28, 2015)

If a fellow golfer hits one fat from the middle of the fairway one member of the group is obliged to say "well out"


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## HomerJSimpson (Oct 28, 2015)

Someone will say "unlucky" as you launch it into a different post code and time zone. 
It's always a "tough lie" when you nobble it three foot in the rough. 
Someone must always forget to sign into PSI/pick up their scorecard/have a pencil


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## AMcC (Oct 28, 2015)

Crawfy said:



			One must use a discarded broken tee on each Par 3. But only after throwing grass in the air to check wind speed/direction.
		
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You also must rake the tee bin for said broken tee


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## ADB (Oct 28, 2015)

The older the player, the baggier the shorts


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## Jimaroid (Oct 28, 2015)

Waiting for a person in front to move out of your shot will lead to a 30 yard duff.


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## backwoodsman (Oct 28, 2015)

StrangelyBrown said:



			A bowl of chips is also permissible.
		
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Is only a sub clause ...

The full rule is that after the Swindle,  any chip in any bowl on any table is fair game provided the taking of it is preceded by a "don't  mind if I do,  thanks ..."


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## Jimaroid (Oct 28, 2015)

A dropped ball will always come to rest in the only place you didn't want.


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## Jimaroid (Oct 28, 2015)

The person with the longest pre-shot routine will also be the person who has inhumanly selective hearing and will be disturbed by a sparrow farting half a mile away yet they can't hear you shout "that's good, pick it up" from 3 feet away and go on to putt out on every hole.


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## nickjdavis (Oct 28, 2015)

A putt that is headed for the dead centre of the hole will always miss if one of your fellow competitors or playing partners congratulates you on a great putt, when the ball is still a foot from the hole.


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## robert.redmile (Oct 28, 2015)

When asked what your score was in a stableford comp, you MUST answer, "x points, with y blobs".
(because of course, quantifying the blobs always makes it seems that you played better than the score would indicate, and that without them you'd have scored very well)
its abit like saying in a stroke play event, "I scored 66 on 15 holes, but also,scored 3 x 8s)
nobody cares!


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## Deleted Member 1156 (Oct 28, 2015)

Not entering the medal results in your best round of the year


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## Golfmmad (Oct 28, 2015)

When your pp misses a putt, you must announce that he did not talk to his ball.

You miss that 6 foot putt for 1 point, then nonchantly knock in the 10ft return!

Your playing partner hooks his drive deep in the trees left, then announces, " I've never been in there before".

He then says after a wild slice, "Well it started off alright, then the wind got hold of it".


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## GB72 (Oct 28, 2015)

A ball is never hooked, it had too much draw on it


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## Deleted member 16999 (Oct 28, 2015)

When someone completely misreads the line missing a putt, someone has to say, You got the pace spot on!


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## SwingsitlikeHogan (Oct 28, 2015)

Even on what appears to all to be a dead calm day, one of your group will miss a green and observe that "there's more of a breeze up there than you'd think".


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## backwoodsman (Oct 29, 2015)

Try as you may, it is not possible to hold in a fart during someone else's  backswing.

Or is that just me?


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## Smiffy (Oct 29, 2015)

Your opponents ball will hit a tree square on and always bounce back out into the fairway.
Yours, on the other hand, will hit the same tree and bounce OOB.


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## Smiffy (Oct 29, 2015)

If both you and your opponent miss the fairway, yours will be the ball that is buried down in the rough, whereas your opponents ball will be the one sitting up like a dogs bollock.
This can normally be ascertained from at least 25 yards away.


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## Smiffy (Oct 29, 2015)

When you and your opponent both hit your balls into the same bunker, yours is the one that is either on the downslope, or plugged in the face, whereas the one sitting on a nice fluffy piece of sand in the perfect position will be your opponents.
Again, this can be ascertained from 25 yards away.
(Notice a trend here????)


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## chico (Oct 29, 2015)

Always ignoring your inner voice telling you your not "seve" just before trying a shot your not capable of.


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## Tongo (Oct 29, 2015)

chico said:



			Always ignoring your inner voice telling you your not "seve" just before trying a shot your not capable of.
		
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Or, alternatively, pulling off a miraculous escape and proclaiming: "Seve like!"


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## Slab (Oct 29, 2015)

For any under hit putt, one of your group will trot out the lipstick/handbag line and believe they're being witty and original


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## North Mimms (Oct 29, 2015)

The longest putt that you sink all season will be for an eight. 

On a Par 3


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## virtuocity (Oct 29, 2015)

N/R was created to negate the need for reporting a 10 on the scorecard.


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## jdpjamesp (Oct 29, 2015)

One for the higher handicappers like myself I suspect:
If you actually use your noggin and lay up short of a hazard, the next shot will be a duff straight into said hazard.


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## hors limite (Oct 29, 2015)

The player living nearest to the course must always arrive last and within seconds to spare of the tee time - breathless, trailing shoe laces and distributing balls tees and the rest.


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## Marshy77 (Oct 29, 2015)

jdpjamesp said:



			One for the higher handicappers like myself I suspect:
If you actually use your noggin and lay up short of a hazard, the next shot will be a duff straight into said hazard.
		
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THIS


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## Jimaroid (Oct 29, 2015)

Any shot played for safety will leave you in a worse position.


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## USER1999 (Oct 29, 2015)

A shank is nearly a perfect shot.

Yeah, right.


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## Smiffy (Oct 29, 2015)

When playing in a Society day, despite being told to pick up if you can't score (to help speed of play) you must still putt for that 12 because you have paid your money and are going to have your monies worth.


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## HowlingGale (Oct 29, 2015)

When playing in a society day with 30 + people watching your shaking hand will never allow you to place the ball on the first tee.


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## HowlingGale (Oct 29, 2015)

The 2s comp which is Â£2 to enter wins a cat 4 golfer Â£75. The cat 1 golfer wins Â£1.30.


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## Swingalot (Oct 29, 2015)

When you have played really well in a friendly game the day before, you turn up at the club medal and you must be buzzing with confidence. This is THE day it all clicks.
You will then go through 15 holes of absolute pain, which will include slices, hooks, shanks, tops, thins etc. After each one you will talk to yourself and ask 'why is this happening, I was playing so well'.
Only when you have finally given up the ghost will you find a swing and finish the round par, par, par.


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## jamielaing (Oct 29, 2015)

bluewolf said:



			Lol, this is the only reason I let her take me to IKEA.. Nonchalantly wandering round, whilst secretly picking up 3-4 pencils from every dispenser.. All this whilst the Missus looks on like you're stealing the Crown Jewels...
		
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A ridiculous amount of head shaking goes on. Made worse when her dad comes along and we are both at it!


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## bobmac (Oct 29, 2015)

Telling your fellow competitor he has 22 pts on the 10th tee will guarantee 10 pts on the back 9


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## Jimaroid (Oct 29, 2015)

An N/R shall always be followed by a birdie.


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## Smiffy (Oct 29, 2015)

bobmac said:



			Telling your fellow competitor he has 22 pts on the 10th tee will guarantee 10 pts on the back 9
		
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Now who on earth would be as vindictive as that?????


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## Deleted member 16999 (Oct 29, 2015)

Cat 1 Golfers can only lose to fellow Cat 1 Golfers, everyone else is a bandit.


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## IanG (Oct 29, 2015)

Laying up short of the burn means you'll be in it for 2 rather than 1


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## Three (Oct 29, 2015)

When you get to Cat 1 or turn pro , you must replace "Good shot"  with "good swing". 

Even though it looked exactly like every other swing and you have no idea what was so good about it.


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## williamalex1 (Oct 29, 2015)

Your best round will usually be followed by your worst.


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## Lincoln Quaker (Oct 29, 2015)

One of your group will duff a shot 100 yards off the tee then wait for the green to clear 250 yards away then duff it again.


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## ruff-driver (Oct 29, 2015)

Only needing a par on the last to smash your p.b, usually results in 5 off the tee


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## SwingsitlikeHogan (Oct 29, 2015)

jamielaing said:



			A ridiculous amount of head shaking goes on. Made worse when her dad comes along and we are both at it!
		
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Isn't that what IKEA is for - pencils for golf and big blue bags for the washing and garden refuse.

...actually there is a third - walking around IKEA with OH is how you can practice patience and acceptance - virtues essential for a half decent or at least half enjoyable round of golf.  Takes about as long as well.


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## SwingsitlikeHogan (Oct 29, 2015)

Your final thought about the shot you don't want to play is the shot that you'll play


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## srixon 1 (Oct 29, 2015)

Slicing your tee shot into the next county, and then hooking your provisional way left so that the balls are at least 150 yards apart


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## Mitchell89 (Oct 29, 2015)

When two balls are hit in the same vicinity in the rough someone has to say 'That's very social'.


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## Ian_S (Oct 29, 2015)

IanG said:



			Laying up short of the burn means you'll be in it for 2 rather than 1
		
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I can actually hear Leslie Nielsen's voice in my head saying that in the style of his golf video.


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## cookelad (Oct 29, 2015)

SwingsitlikeHogan said:



			Isn't that what IKEA is for - pencils for golf and big blue bags for the washing and garden refuse.

...actually there is a third - walking around IKEA with OH is how you can practice patience and acceptance - virtues essential for a half decent or at least half enjoyable round of golf.  Takes about as long as well.
		
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You're obviously forgetting the meatballs! I always get asked the same question when we come back from IKEA "Did you have the meatballs?"


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## londonlewis (Oct 29, 2015)

Always say 'you lifted your head up too early' whenever anyone top the ball or thins it.


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## Smiffy (Oct 29, 2015)

The deeper the divot, the longer the next shot.


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## njrose51 (Oct 29, 2015)

leaning on your putter and crossing your leg whilst waiting for others to putt
the 'I can hit it that far' ego taking over from reality


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## SwingsitlikeHogan (Oct 29, 2015)

cookelad said:



			You're obviously forgetting the meatballs! I always get asked the same question when we come back from IKEA "Did you have the meatballs?"
		
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I avoid eating when there - might give me some minor feelings of pleasure totally at odds with my general demeanor.


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## SwingsitlikeHogan (Oct 29, 2015)

Smiffy said:



			The deeper the divot, the longer the next shot.


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...and usually shorter the shot just played.


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## Mitchell89 (Oct 29, 2015)

If the players in front of you are holding you up you spend the whole round cursing them, blaming them for your bad round and the fact they have ruined your day. You spend most holes rushing to finish hoping to see them on the tee so they can let you through. You moan about the slow play after every bad shot. 

When they finally let you through on the 17th hole you say how kind it is for them to let you through and thank them profusely.


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## SwingsitlikeHogan (Oct 29, 2015)

You take your headgear off at the end of the round when shaking hands, and then when entering the clubhouse

(As he most provocatively strays into etiquette dangerous ground - but as we are not debating the rights or wrongs of these 'unwritten rules' I can say it without fear of rebuke or rebuttal  )


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## Lord Tyrion (Oct 29, 2015)

Ikea = Golf pencils & cooked breakfast before 11am  . Enjoy it, don't fight it.


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## MadAdey (Oct 29, 2015)

If you have more than one shot in a hole in a stabledford, you must announce it like some kind of medal of honor.......


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## SwingsitlikeHogan (Oct 29, 2015)

MadAdey said:



			If you have more than one shot in a hole in a stabledford, you must announce it like some kind of medal of honor.......
		
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Does not compute - more than one shot?


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## MendieGK (Oct 29, 2015)

JamesR said:



			Clicking your fingers will add spin to any chip shot/bunker shot
		
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One of the most annoying things i see in scratch opens.


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## MendieGK (Oct 29, 2015)

MashieNiblick said:



			Nice thread.

If you retire a scruffy ball mid round you will lose the brand new replacement on the next hole.
.
		
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I'm like that with remarking my ball if the red circle round the number i use has started to wear away. I will only do it on a hole where the tee shot it easy as i'm so concious of it!


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## Smiffy (Oct 29, 2015)

MendieGK said:



			One of the most annoying things i see in scratch opens.
		
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Mine is Liverpoolphil


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## SwingsitlikeHogan (Oct 29, 2015)

MendieGK said:



			One of the most annoying things i see in scratch opens.
		
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Never witnessed that one


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## davidy233 (Oct 29, 2015)

What is this IKEA some of you comment on?


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## SwingsitlikeHogan (Oct 29, 2015)

The player whose ball is in a fairway bunker and proclaims that he is rubbish out of fairway bunkers will then proceed to demonstrate just quite how unbelievably rubbish he is (that's me btw )


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## chrisd (Oct 29, 2015)

The water in the stream that is 170 yards away is only 12" wide, you couldn't go in it deliberatey if you hit 100 balls, but your shot to the green is going nowhere else!


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## SwingsitlikeHogan (Oct 29, 2015)

davidy233 said:



			What is this IKEA some of you comment on? 

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It is a gigantic shoe box that once entered traps you, and you find that it is filled with blokes wandering about 'zombie-like' wistfully muttering things like 'I should be on the golf course' - no-one is listening as they are too busy filling great big bags with 'stuff'.  But you do get useful wee brown pencils - perfect for marking your card - but once broke (they never last long enough to go blunt) might as well be chucked as you can never sharpen one.


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## KhalJimbo (Oct 29, 2015)

MadAdey said:



			the person on the tee with a matching set of shiny clubs, with the matching bag is not a low handicapper.
		
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LOL thats me


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## londonlewis (Oct 29, 2015)

If you happen to notice on the 16th green that you have sunk a putt to go 4 under your handicap, you will promptly shoot a double-triple finish to end up with 35 points.


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## Slime (Oct 29, 2015)

After hitting a really good tee shot you MUST spend at least two minutes looking for that 'lucky' tee peg!

*Slime*.


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## Jimaroid (Oct 29, 2015)

Finding your pink castle tee is more important than finding your ball.


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## williamalex1 (Oct 29, 2015)

Jimaroid said:



			Finding your pink castle tee is more important than finding your ball.
		
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I usually say " don't worry someone will hand it in ". :smirk:


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## jamielaing (Oct 29, 2015)

davidy233 said:



			What is this IKEA some of you comment on? 

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It's this place that no man has any desire to go to yet every Saturday you see them being dragged around in the search of 'stuff we need' otherwise known as c**p. It takes at least 3 hours and the rules are that you must leave with at least 10 apple candles. There is a fee to leave and it is normally over Â£100. This is done with the promise of meatballs but 'we never have time'. Don't make plans for the evening, if you do make it out of there you are obliged to become a carpenter for the evening.


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## Golfmmad (Oct 29, 2015)

The easiest way to embarrass oneself on a golf course:

Is to announce, "I get 2 shots on this par 3"! 

This will usually really p--- your lower hp. playing partners off at the same time.


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## Rooter (Oct 29, 2015)

Wild hooks or slices always sounded nice off the face..


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## Doh (Oct 29, 2015)

If you are drawn to play with someone who you have never met you are good mates by the end of the round.


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## SwingsitlikeHogan (Oct 29, 2015)

jamielaing said:



			It's this place that no man has any desire to go to yet every Saturday you see them being dragged around in the search of 'stuff we need' otherwise known as c**p. It takes at least 3 hours and the rules are that you must leave with at least 10 apple candles. There is a fee to leave and it is normally over Â£100. This is done with the promise of meatballs but 'we never have time'. Don't make plans for the evening, if you do make it out of there you are obliged to become a carpenter for the evening.
		
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 ...and if you go to the Southampton one and leave at the wrong time you will get tangled up with John Lewis traffic and stuck in Southampton's horrid roads - do not expect to get home before daybreak.


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## SwingsitlikeHogan (Oct 29, 2015)

Mr Smug hits it off the tee - 'No idea where that went' is likely to mean he has totally creamed it miles down the middle; that he knows full well that that's what he's done; but just wants the others to acknowledge his brilliance by having to tell him.  Immediately followed by a knowing piece of self-deprecation.


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## Fish (Oct 29, 2015)

When playing a low index par 4 and a high handicapper say's "I'm on the green for nowt" or a par 5 and there on for 1


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## Deleted member 16999 (Oct 29, 2015)

Fish said:



			When playing a low index par 4 with me and I say' "I'm on the green for nowt" or a par 5 and I'm on for 1 

View attachment 17382

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Fixed it for you&#128540;


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## LincolnShep (Oct 30, 2015)

All topped drives shall be measured by referencing their position relative to the ladies' tees


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## LincolnShep (Oct 30, 2015)

It's not a slice - it's a "power fade".


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## davidy233 (Oct 30, 2015)

jamielaing said:



			It's this place that no man has any desire to go to yet every Saturday you see them being dragged around in the search of 'stuff we need' otherwise known as c**p. It takes at least 3 hours and the rules are that you must leave with at least 10 apple candles. There is a fee to leave and it is normally over Â£100. This is done with the promise of meatballs but 'we never have time'. Don't make plans for the evening, if you do make it out of there you are obliged to become a carpenter for the evening.
		
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Surely you'd just send one of the servants? Weekends are for football, golf and beer


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## SwingsitlikeHogan (Oct 30, 2015)

The most miserably awful duffed, topped, fluffed etc tee shot is usually following by an absolute stonker of a second.  See also 'playing a provisional'


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## SwingsitlikeHogan (Oct 30, 2015)

Ladies must . . .


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## Ross61 (Oct 30, 2015)

When a cat 4 player scores 4 for 4 on a hole after scoring just 3 points on the previous 4 holes the cat 1 player must still go on a rant about nobody should get more than 1 shot per hole.


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## dewsweeper (Oct 30, 2015)

Any problems on the course or in a Club are the fault of "seniors " ,"women" or "societies".
Choose any order you like.
Dewsweeper


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## HomerJSimpson (Oct 30, 2015)

When hitting it OB your PP will say "no one likes to see that"


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## simoncrouch (Nov 17, 2015)

On a perfect practice swing muttering "oooh that would have been good"


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## Deleted Member 1156 (Nov 17, 2015)

Rule #2

Never leave a birdie putt short


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## londonlewis (Nov 17, 2015)

After smashing one OOB off the tee, you will automatically stripe the second one down the middle.


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## Capella (Nov 17, 2015)

You always come up one club short, unless when there is a bunker behind the green. Then you are one club long.

You always slice your ball off the tee. Unless it is a sharp dog leg to the right. Then you hit the only hook of the day.

Gravity is always higher in a water hazard.

When you duff your putt, make sure to say "The greens are really slow today"


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## UlyssesSky (Nov 17, 2015)

londonlewis said:



			After smashing one OOB off the tee, you will automatically stripe the second one down the middle.
		
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I so wish that was true...


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## Slicer30 (Nov 17, 2015)

When referring to the group in front and Declaring "I will never reach them" you hit the drive of your life and it soars towards them as if Laser Guided.

All Drives from the group behind which land anyway remotely close, should prompt a death stare from all members of your group.

Laying up on a par 5 while a group is on the green should result in a thinned Iron which somehow makes it close and prompts a few more stares.  A talking too on the next tee may be required depending on the age of the culprit.


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## williamalex1 (Nov 17, 2015)

When you aim OOB thinking that your natural dependable slice or draw will bring it back to the perfect position . It won't.


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## Jates12 (Nov 17, 2015)

All puts that miss by a couple of inches will be greeted with "Nice roll"


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## HomerJSimpson (Nov 17, 2015)

If you are struggling with one part of your game (chipping, pitching etc) you'll end up having to do loads of these shots all round.


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## Jates12 (Nov 17, 2015)

Jimaroid said:



			The person with the longest pre-shot routine will also be the person who has inhumanly selective hearing and will be disturbed by a sparrow farting half a mile away yet they can't hear you shout "that's good, pick it up" from 3 feet away and go on to putt out on every hole.
		
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:rofl:


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## chrisd (Nov 17, 2015)

williamalex1 said:



			When you aim OOB thinking that your natural dependable slice or draw will bring it back to the perfect position . It won't.
		
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You've played with Justone then?


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## louise_a (Nov 17, 2015)

somehow missed this thread, had a great laugh reading it. and to paraphrase one listed, if someone asked me how I play I assume they want a shot by shot report.


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## Slime (Nov 17, 2015)

simoncrouch said:



			On a perfect practice swing muttering "oooh that would have been good"
		
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Welcome to the forum ............................................ did you ride motorbikes about 30 years ago?


*Slime*.


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## williamalex1 (Nov 17, 2015)

chrisd said:



			You've played with Justone then?
		
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No, but i know one of his students and heard rumours :smirk:.


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## robert.redmile (Nov 17, 2015)

Might have been said before, but it always makes me laugh...

"regardless of where the ball finishes, if a senior successfully managed to exit his ball from a bunker, all other players must in unison, say "well out""


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## williamalex1 (Nov 17, 2015)

robert.redmile said:



			Might have been said before, but it always makes me laugh...

"regardless of where the ball finishes, if a senior successfully managed to exit his ball from a bunker, all other players must in unison, say "well out""
		
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Not in my case , usually it's  " just lift it ffs"


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## richart (Nov 17, 2015)

Someone in our group will always say 'you don't like to see that' when a ball trickles in a bunker, flicks a tree and drops down behind it, lips out etc. Come to think about it, it is usually me.


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## srixon 1 (Nov 17, 2015)

You lose Pro V1s but only ever find Top Flites.


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## Smiffy (Nov 18, 2015)

The amount of backspin you can generate is in direct proportion to how many inches you cleared the pond by.


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## Smiffy (Nov 18, 2015)

The iron that you have mislaid somewhere will be the first one you need when you next play.


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## virtuocity (Nov 18, 2015)

Hangover announcements must be declared on meeting your PPs.


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## BrizoH71 (Nov 18, 2015)

You must shout 'DOWN!' followed by 'BITE!' whenever you thin an approach through the green..


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## patricks148 (Nov 18, 2015)

You look at the weather forecast see its going to be bad and decide not to play and make other arrangements, only for it to be completely different, like today for instance. Not a cloud in the sky and none of the torrential rain forecast an hour ago


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## Crawfy (Nov 18, 2015)

When exiting a bunker, one must tap the soles of their shoes with their wedge.

A lengthy holed putt on the last must be followed up with a casual glance at the clubhouse window.


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## Piece (Nov 18, 2015)

Probably already said...using a new ball on the tee will greatly enhance the chances of that said ball being slapped OoB or dumped in the splosh.


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## Backache (Nov 18, 2015)

Whenever you top a ball you are in luck as one of your playing partners will explain to you exactly why you topped it.

Their considered and highly useful explanation will always be 'You lifted your head'.


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## Capella (Nov 18, 2015)

The pp who offers the most advice is always the one who plays the most crap himself. (I would have said "him- or herself", but I'm afraid there is a gender specific bias here)


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## Jates12 (Nov 18, 2015)

Capella said:



			The pp who offers the most advice is always the one who plays the most crap himself. (I would have said "him- or herself", but I'm afraid there is a gender specific bias here)
		
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 My grandad, 21 Hcap is the prime example of this. If he never played with anyone else or didnt have an active hcap people would think he was scratch. Infuriating when he caddied for me in one of our club majors :sbox:


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## HomerJSimpson (Nov 18, 2015)

Backache said:



			Whenever you top a ball you are in luck as one of your playing partners will explain to you exactly why you topped it.

Their considered and highly useful explanation will always be 'You lifted your head'.
		
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Yep. Any time you top it, always the fault of "head up"


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