# Dementia Awareness



## Lord Tyrion (Oct 17, 2018)

A semi serious post. My MiL has Alzheimer's and so I have started to take an interest in dementia, how it impacts, how we can help her. Anyway, the town I live in has some really decent people who run dementia awareness courses and I went to one last night.

I won't bore people with details but I learnt a great deal and am a wiser person now. The key things I picked up are empathy and patience, patience being the biggest one. People with dementia get anxious very easily and being rushed or pushed will get them going in the wrong direction.

If I can pass one thing on it would be patient with people. The person going slowly in the queue, the person struggling to pack their shopping, the person stopped in the middle of the pavement perhaps blocking you. Maybe, just maybe they have dementia and a tut, a grumble, a roll of your eyes could upset them, upset someone who is out with them trying to help. Keep calm, smile and be patient. Instead of unintentionally upsetting someone you may bring relief to one or more people, you may make their day.

Anyone else attended one of these? Anyone else a Dementia Friend?


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## Hobbit (Oct 17, 2018)

Went through 6 years of it with the mother-in-law. Best thing we were advised was don't directly confront a belief. Create coping strategies, e.g. "I think we might have to look at that." Then in partnership with the dementia sufferer go and look for the answer. You know it anyway but you need them to find the solution in their own time. Guide them to that solution, don't tell them what it is.


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## Robster59 (Oct 17, 2018)

My FiL is going that way and as you say you can see him getting stressed about the slightest thing and fixates on stuff to the nth degree. He lives with us so can be wearing, but as you say patience is the key. Getting annoyed doesn't achieve anything but just would stress him more.


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## Lord Tyrion (Oct 17, 2018)

Robster59 said:



			My FiL is going that way and as you say you can see him getting stressed about the slightest thing and fixates on stuff to the nth degree. He lives with us so can be wearing, but as you say patience is the key. Getting annoyed doesn't achieve anything but just would stress him more.
		
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Have you found much help available? The official people have been pretty poor since the diagnosis but we have started to unearth a good amount of volunteer people and groups who are proving to be really helpful.


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## Robster59 (Oct 17, 2018)

Lord Tyrion said:



			Have you found much help available? The official people have been pretty poor since the diagnosis but we have started to unearth a good amount of volunteer people and groups who are proving to be really helpful.
		
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Not yet but we're at early stages at the moment. As you know, they're all different. We have a friend who's father is severely affected by it and is now in a home. So sad to see as he was a great and famous man in his time.


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## clubchamp98 (Oct 17, 2018)

Both my parents had this.
patience is easier said than done believe me.
No one knows how their minds work and itâ€™s really hard to see them detiriorate in front of you.

My dad went from ex army always wore a suit great man , to a right scruff who wouldnâ€™t even get washed.
You have a tough job ahead.

Off on my hols for a week!


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## Tashyboy (Oct 17, 2018)

I can remember a topic similar to this coming up over the last year or so. It is one I follow with great interest. FIL has short term memory loss, early dementia, early alzheimers. Lord knows what it is. But whatever it is it's getting worse. He is adamant he has no problem. Wife mentioned about him seeing the Dr, and he said he would go. She asked MIL how he went on. MIL said ok, no problems. A few months later when FIL had another episode MIL admitted he had not been. She is as bad as him and is in denial. He gets aggressive, loud, confrontational about it. so the family has shut up about it. Think there's a poo storm on the horizon with him.


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## Beezerk (Oct 17, 2018)

My mother died of Lewy body dementia a couple of years ago, horrible disease. 
She lived with my sister down in South Yorkshire for most of it and christ knows how she coped, I'd visit quite often but later on she wouldn't even know I was there, like the soul had been taken from the person. I think she remembered I have a daughter but I'm really not sure, that was probably well over 10 years ago, my daughter is 17 now and would have been the apple of her eye. Life sucks sometimes so we have to make the best of the good times. Best if luck with it mate.


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## Lord Tyrion (Oct 17, 2018)

Tashy, that sounds very familiar. My FiL would not take notice for a very long time when we pointed out what was very clear to the rest of us. We eventually got him to take the MiL to the doctors, she passed the initial test, he told the doctor she was fine and they both walked out as though nothing was wrong. If the doctor didn't diagnose her then nothing was wrong was it? After another 3 months or so and a whole heap of evidence he was finally persuaded to take the MiL again but this time my wife went as well. No wriggling out, examples of situations given and they walked away with a diagnosis of Alzheimer's following in the post.

My FiL is still largely in denial, still leaves her to do things that she simply can no longer do on her own, note not do completely but not on her own. He shouts at her when she does things wrong or can't remember where she put something or remember a message. Leaves important things to her then wonders why they are not done as they should be. We can manage the person with Alzheimer's, the one driving us nuts is him.

The family now has a whole herd of elephants in the room. It gets talked about separately in hushed tones but no one will talk frankly with the key protagonists. Families..................


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## shortgame (Oct 18, 2018)

Terrible disease.  One set of grandparents had it.  At one stage my grandfather started going every morning to the work place he'd retired from 10 or 15 years before.  Both also got to the stage they  couldn't recognise people and got fixated on the smallest things.  Like having total personality transplants.  Feel for anyone going through similar - incredibly upsetting, tiring and stressful for the family to cope with and unfortunately it only gets worse.  Glad to hear there's some support and help available.


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## Piece (Oct 18, 2018)

My dad has early stages dementia. He's a different person now, much calmer and dare I say, happier. It does put more stress on close family members though.

Wishing you the best.


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## Wolf (Oct 18, 2018)

Remember my Nan (Dad's mum) had Dementia was a terrible time and hardly any help or support for the family but this was back in the 90s.

Flip side my Uncle (Dad's older brother) is now suffering from Alzheimer's  the support and information now available to everyone is superb. Coping mechanisms have been put in place, support for him and the family is brilliant.

We've come so far  in recent years with help for all of these types on conditions and long that continue.


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## Norrin Radd (Oct 18, 2018)

we had the mil live with us for her last four years as she was stricken with dementia.my wife became her carer andwe set up our home so she could get upstairs easily [stairlift fitted] and we had her bedroom  kitted out with sky tv .at first she was fine and would happily potter about the house and enjoyed doing the mail crossword every day ,as time progressed she was doing less and less of the cw and i was giving her extra clues to help her solve it .roll on a few months and the short term memory was going fast ,she could remember years ago like it was yesterday to you and me but to her she struggled to remember what she had for dinner the previous day.
  eventually she became angry that she couldnt remember hardly anything .she loved watching comedy shows and last of the summer wine was her favourite ,in the end she would have watched every show countless times but to her they were all new episodes. 
    towards the end she lost control of her bowels and would mess herself ,it was very embarrassing for her and for me when it happened with my wife out of the house.cleaning her up was not a pleasant task.
   in the end her bowels totally closed down and was the final nail in her coffin as even with three suppositries in place the couldnt force a movement. it was sad to see her decline like she did as she was a very clever and articulate person who enjoyed her life until the dementia set in . 
 good luck with your kith and kin and if you can dont put them in a home ,put yourself in their shoes ,you wouldnt want total strangers seeing to you during your last remaining days.


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## Lord Tyrion (Oct 18, 2018)

The person running the event described the memory loss as follows. Imagine a book case with every shelf being a decade and the books being memories. Someone starts to shake the book case and books start to fall off, mainly at the top. Eventually there are no books on the top shelf, perhaps the top few shelves. The bottom shelves still have plenty of books on still though. 

He had come across many people living with dementia who had lost 20, 30, 40 years but we're razor sharp from their teenage years or 20's. Instead of fighting that memory loss he suggested embracing the era they remember best, play the music from that era, replicate food from that time etc. Obviously you can't transform your house or life to the 1950's but the idea is a really interesting one.


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## Khamelion (Oct 18, 2018)

My mam passed away a few years back with Alzheimer's, an absolutely horrible disease. I'm not religious in any way, but at the very end what was lying in front of my dad and myself was just the shell of the women we both loved, her soul had long since departed. In the early stages when my mam was still at home I remember she was trying to tell me what she'd been doing that day. My dad and her had been for a walk along the river. I sat next to her on the sofa with her thumping the sofa in frustration as she couldn't remember what she had done not but a few hours earlier.

Warning signs something is up with someone could be anything, but if you are close to someone who you think may be in the very early stages, it's the little things that you pick up that could make a difference in getting an early diagnosis. My mam for example, nearly killed us while driving, at the time no one knew anything was wrong, but while going round a roundabout in the left lane and nearly at the junction to pull off the roundabout, she decided for some reason to keep going right, she was oblivious to what she had done.

But the big signal came one Christmas, my mam and dad were writing cards as they had done every year, when she just stopped and said, I don't know how to do it, in an instant she had forgotten how to write. From there on it was a battle of over 10yrs having to watch this strong loving women slowly disintegrate, all at a time when dementia wasn't really at the fore front of peoples awareness.


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## SwingsitlikeHogan (Oct 22, 2018)

Dementia - is awful.  At weekend I met a lad my age - was life and soul of the party and fit and well not more than a couple of years back - then he was diagnosed and things have gone bad since then.  His wife is exhausted caring for him, and a cousin of mine has her stay quite regularly for some respite - she needs it.  He looks fine until you notice he just is not in the same time and place as the rest of us.  It is so very sad.  God bless you Jim. God Bless your wife and daughter C-A and R.


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## Bunkermagnet (Oct 22, 2018)

My dad had it after eventually being diagnosed with it with the family doctor for quite some time insisting it was just"getting old", my mum wouldn't accept the view it was dementia. When he was diagnosed, he was in hospital after a fall.
He was 77, and because he didnt think he should be there kept trying to leave the ward. The  hospital staff decided he needed "controlling" and started  giving him a cocktail of drugs, that basically sedated him. (remember Panarama did a program on it). The staff all denied he was being drugged up, but we knew otherwise. After his stay in hospital he went into a care home in a dementia ward. He died 3 months later, 6 months after first going into hospital.
Its fair to say that he gave up, and TBH I dont blame him.


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## clubchamp98 (Oct 25, 2018)

Lord Tyrion said:



			Tashy, that sounds very familiar. My FiL would not take notice for a very long time when we pointed out what was very clear to the rest of us. We eventually got him to take the MiL to the doctors, she passed the initial test, he told the doctor she was fine and they both walked out as though nothing was wrong. If the doctor didn't diagnose her then nothing was wrong was it? After another 3 months or so and a whole heap of evidence he was finally persuaded to take the MiL again but this time my wife went as well. No wriggling out, examples of situations given and they walked away with a diagnosis of Alzheimer's following in the post.

My FiL is still largely in denial, still leaves her to do things that she simply can no longer do on her own, note not do completely but not on her own. He shouts at her when she does things wrong or can't remember where she put something or remember a message. Leaves important things to her then wonders why they are not done as they should be. We can manage the person with Alzheimer's, the one driving us nuts is him.

The family now has a whole herd of elephants in the room. It gets talked about separately in hushed tones but no one will talk frankly with the key protagonists. Families..................
		
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My dad was like this and he turned into the main problem.
He wouldnâ€™t let anybody in the house to care for mum and tried to do it alone.
The arguments I had with him were awful.

Mum had a stroke and he never called an ambulance he called me,
I called 999 and met them at his house they were just leaving .
I was locking up and following on .
The ambulance was hit head on by a stolen car and mum was killed, dad was badly hurt .
The paramedic broke both legs .

By the time I got to the hospital it was all over.
I often wonder if it was a blessing in disguise? As she was getting worse all the time.
I still donâ€™t know the answer.

I think this is what scared my dad about what was happening to him and made him very difficult to deal with.


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## Bunkermagnet (Oct 25, 2018)

clubchamp98 said:



			My dad was like this and he turned into the main problem.
He wouldnâ€™t let anybody in the house to care for mum and tried to do it alone.
The arguments I had with him were awful.

Mum had a stroke and he never called an ambulance he called me,
I called 999 and met them at his house they were just leaving .
I was locking up and following on .
The ambulance was hit head on by a stolen car and mum was killed, dad was badly hurt .
The paramedic broke both legs .

By the time I got to the hospital it was all over.
I often wonder if it was a blessing in disguise? As she was getting worse all the time.
I still donâ€™t know the answer.

I think this is what scared my dad about what was happening to him and made him very difficult to deal with.
		
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Sheeet m8, I cant even comprehend how you felt or delt with it, so sorry.


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## clubchamp98 (Oct 26, 2018)

Bunkermagnet said:



			Sheeet m8, I cant even comprehend how you felt or delt with it, so sorry.
		
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Thank you.


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## Robster59 (Feb 11, 2019)

A personal update on this.  My FiL was formally diagnosed with Vascular Dimentia last week.  Whilst he's still allowed to drive, he has to notify the DVLA and we've discussed with the doctor and we doubt he'll be allowed to keep his licence.  We couldn't forgive ourselves if he hurt/killed someone in an accident. 
His memory is definitely failing and as has been said above, patience is the key.  You have to get used to answering the same question time after time.  He has to be told when to take his pills and looks for re-assurance on everything he does now from us.  He can still get out and about by taxi and goes for a swim to meet "the boys" (average age 80+) four times a week.  All we can do is carry on the support.  It's easier for me than it is for my other half as it's her father so I try to do as much as I can to take the pressure off her.  
We are now looking for support as we can't leave him on his own overnight and it's not fair putting the load on my step-son to come over and look after him, although he's happy to do so.


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## GB72 (Feb 11, 2019)

Father in Laws partner recently passed having suffered from early onset dementia. Hit her before she was 50 and lasted for about 6 years. Simply put, parts of her brain would give up and she would forget something, sometimes it was memory related or something simple until it eventually hit her motor skills. Never witnessed anything so scary in my life. 

Just started a new job and every member of staff receives some basic dealing with dementia training, mainly because we may have to deal with clients who suffer, but also there is encouragement to further that training, be involved in Dementia Friends etc.


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## Lord Tyrion (Feb 11, 2019)

Robster59 said:



			A personal update on this.  My FiL was formally diagnosed with Vascular Dimentia last week.  Whilst he's still allowed to drive, he has to notify the DVLA and we've discussed with the doctor and we doubt he'll be allowed to keep his licence.  We couldn't forgive ourselves if he hurt/killed someone in an accident.
His memory is definitely failing and as has been said above, patience is the key.  You have to get used to answering the same question time after time.  He has to be told when to take his pills and looks for re-assurance on everything he does now from us.  He can still get out and about by taxi and goes for a swim to meet "the boys" (average age 80+) four times a week.  All we can do is carry on the support.  It's easier for me than it is for my other half as it's her father so I try to do as much as I can to take the pressure off her. 
We are now looking for support as we can't leave him on his own overnight and it's not fair putting the load on my step-son to come over and look after him, although he's happy to do so.
		
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Good post, best of luck as we are in similar boats here.

One key observation that we have made over the last few months as my MiL gets worse.* Never* assume that the person can do something they used to be able to even if that something was a central part of their life. They may be able to do part of it, but not all. Some examples, all from my FiL failing to accept this. If left alone she will take no tablets, thinking she has already taken them, or eat them like smarties, thinking over and over that she hasn't taken them. He nearly got a parking ticket the other week as he left her to set the time on the parking disk . My wife goes to their house for lunch every Thursday. They do shepherds pie every time, baked dry. The MiL makes extra gravy, first time made it cold as she took water from the kettle, forgetting to switch it on. My wife now 'helps' her so that she is still involved but has someone checking she is doing it safely and correctly. I could fill a page with examples as I am sure you could, or soon will be able to.

We involve her when she comes round now as much as possible. If I'm making a cup of tea I will ask her to go pass me the mugs, point towards the correct cupboard, same with the milk, tea bags etc. When I wash the dishes I ask her to dry and put away, showing her where to put them as otherwise she wont remember. It keeps her occupied and involved as she wants to be but doesn't stress her. She doesn't want to be sat in a chair being ignored but we have to work out how to involve her in a way that doesn't add to her stress levels. It becomes a game.

Anyway, best of luck, keep posting. One thing I have discovered going to Dementia Friends / Awareness meetings is that the problems we are facing are the same for everyone in this situation. Sharing the stories can be therapeutic and often funny. You need the humour to release the tension of what is happening. Start a story and you can see others nodding and smiling as they remember it happening in their situation as well.

Driving, take the keys away. We had a fight on that one but got there in the end. The potential there is too horrific for debate.


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## Hobbit (Feb 11, 2019)

Robster59 said:



			A personal update on this.  My FiL was formally diagnosed with Vascular Dimentia last week.  Whilst he's still allowed to drive, he has to notify the DVLA and we've discussed with the doctor and we doubt he'll be allowed to keep his licence.  We couldn't forgive ourselves if he hurt/killed someone in an accident.
His memory is definitely failing and as has been said above, patience is the key.  You have to get used to answering the same question time after time.  He has to be told when to take his pills and looks for re-assurance on everything he does now from us.  He can still get out and about by taxi and goes for a swim to meet "the boys" (average age 80+) four times a week.  All we can do is carry on the support.  It's easier for me than it is for my other half as it's her father so I try to do as much as I can to take the pressure off her.
We are now looking for support as we can't leave him on his own overnight and it's not fair putting the load on my step-son to come over and look after him, although he's happy to do so.
		
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Ref support in the home, you will be surprised how much is available but you will have to fight tooth and nail for it. We were determined to allow MIL to stay at home until it was patently obvious she couldn't - I guess the decision was made for us by a fall and a broken hip. 8 months later, after finally being discharged from hospital, she went into residential care for the final 4 months.

Speak to Social Services about what they can do to support/fund changes to the home, if it fits your case, as there's plenty they can do. We had a new bathroom/wet room done for MIL. Perhaps the most important thing was the sensors that were fitted throughout the house, linked back to a control centre. For example, one night she got up in the early hours and did a pan of chips then went back to bed whilst the pan was still on the cooker. The sensor had picked up that the cooker was on in the early hours and we were already on our way round there long before it become a serious issue. Same with the shower. She had left it running. Again, we were alerted that water had been running in the bathroom for quite a while. Its hard work getting it all sorted but it does allow them to maintain some independence whilst they can and gives you a break. We also had carers going in 4 times a day, again funded by Social Services.

Good luck.


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## mikevet (Feb 11, 2019)

If anyone over 65 years old would like to contribute to a research programme into prevention/treatment of Alzheimer's disease, a company called Re:Cognition Health is running a 5-8 year programme to assess a possible treatment. It runs from several centres in the UK, and starts with a presentation on types of dementia, including Alzheimer's (which is the most common form), and how their trial works. If you decide to be a part of it, they take a cheek swab for DNA analysis - they are looking for a particular gene configuration which makes it more likely that a person may contract the disease. There is no compulsion, and participants may leave the trial at any point. I attended a session in Guildford in December, and learnt a lot about the causes of dementia. Unfortunately I didn't have the specific gene conformation needed for the trial, so my involvement stopped at that stage. However I was very pleased to discover that things like going into a room and forgetting why, forgetting names, etc are officially considered forgetfulness and not a precursor to dementia!


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## Robster59 (Feb 11, 2019)

Thanks everyone.  I know lots of people go through this so it's good to share and discuss.  For the driving, we're going through official channels so it won't be us when it is taken away. 
Seeing some of the things above directly relate to what we're going through.  The fact he lives with us in a granny flat at least means we can keep an eye on him.  

I was due to take him to hospital on a Friday and he always frets about these things.  Anyway he was in bed about 9:30-10:00pm.  At 11:30pm we were awoken by a noise downstairs, so I went down to find he was up, dressed and shaving.  He thought it was morning so I persuaded him to go back to bed and when I took him the following day he was so stressed his heartbeat was at 140bpm!  We've now got him a talking clock as he struggles with reading clocks as we've had the "early rising" incident twice now.  

He also has wrist alarm but didn't wear it in bed, keeping it on the bedside table, until one day he fell getting out, couldn't get up and couldn't alarm.  Luckily we were near enough to sort him out but that made him see the need to wear it at all times.  

There's lots more but it's funny I was only thinking today we need to find him things to do to keep his mind occupied.  I try not to do all things for him but try to get him to do what he can without stressing him out with things he can't handle.  But I'm trying to stop him not thinking and relying on us for everything as I don't think that's good for him and try to keep his brain active as much as I safely can/


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## Lord Tyrion (Feb 11, 2019)

We have big timing issues with our MiL. She is anxious all the time, coat's on, wants to leave way before required. We have tried all sorts but that is a tough one to manage. Would an Alexa help in your case? It doesn't in ours but some may find it useful. We got her a special clock which shows the time, day, date etc which was supposed to help but it is shoved in a corner so she doesn't see it


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## Robster59 (Mar 20, 2020)

An update on this linked with the current Covid-19 issues. As I've stated elsewhere, we took the decision over a week ago to basically isolate him.  Not on his own but restricted to the house as any contact with someone with Covid-19 could prove fatal.  Since the last post, he had his licence taken away shortly afterwards but thankfully he was still able to go to the club as I or the missus could drop him off and there is a very kind man who drops him back. 
As I work from home a lot I've tried to take a lot of the pressure off my missus as it's getting to her far more than it is too me.  However, there have been times when I have to work away from home and, whilst in the past we could leave him on his own with some lunch ready or a bowl of soup in the oven he could just microwave, she worries that she can't leave him alone for the day.  We can't let him near the kitchen as, whilst he thinks he can still cook, we can't trust him with the hob.  
And now that he is isolated and not getting out, he's not getting the stimulus he used to, and he is tending to spend more time sitting down and watching TV repeats. (On a different note, why do people when they get to 70+ seem to enjoy watching anything with a good murder in it? ). 
I've self isolated with what looks like was now a cold but my missus is now working from home and the strain it is putting on the household is so much higher.  
The dementia is getting worse, but slowly. We see a gradual deterioration but people who haven't seem him for a while say they really see a difference.  
I'm not sure this post goes anywhere but sometimes it's good to just get it out there.


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## Tashyboy (Mar 20, 2020)

Had a txt conversation with a woman in the RBL late last night. She is in bits about the closure of the local village hall. It's the straw that broke the camels back. Reason I say that, like your post, just talking helps. keep talking and thoughts.


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## Lord Tyrion (Mar 20, 2020)

Robster59 said:



			An update on this linked with the current Covid-19 issues. As I've stated elsewhere, we took the decision over a week ago to basically isolate him.  Not on his own but restricted to the house as any contact with someone with Covid-19 could prove fatal.  Since the last post, he had his licence taken away shortly afterwards but thankfully he was still able to go to the club as I or the missus could drop him off and there is a very kind man who drops him back. 
As I work from home a lot I've tried to take a lot of the pressure off my missus as it's getting to her far more than it is too me.  However, there have been times when I have to work away from home and, whilst in the past we could leave him on his own with some lunch ready or a bowl of soup in the oven he could just microwave, she worries that she can't leave him alone for the day.  We can't let him near the kitchen as, whilst he thinks he can still cook, we can't trust him with the hob.  
And now that he is isolated and not getting out, he's not getting the stimulus he used to, and he is tending to spend more time sitting down and watching TV repeats. (On a different note, why do people when they get to 70+ seem to enjoy watching anything with a good murder in it? ). 
I've self isolated with what looks like was now a cold but my missus is now working from home and the strain it is putting on the household is so much higher.  
The dementia is getting worse, but slowly. We see a gradual deterioration but people who haven't seem him for a while say they really see a difference.  
I'm not sure this post goes anywhere but sometimes it's good to just get it out there.
		
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Keep posting, it's good therapy. After a LOT of aggravation, persuasion and effort my wife has set up a number of things now. Social services come in 3 times a week to wash and dress my MiL. A carer from a professional company  comes in for 4 hours on a Friday to spend one on one time with my MiL. This gives her stimulus and my FiL a chance to get out. Have you looked at this type of thing yet? If not, you really should. 

We had also found an Age UK session where they picked her up in the morning and returned her in the afternoon. This again gave him a break and her stimulus. Annoyingly we only recently discovered this and it has had to be postponed for the time being, obvious reasons. Age UK seemingly do quite a bit for dementia patients but we had not realised. One to check out when the world returns to normal. 

The current isolation is going to be tough for dementia carers. Make sure you look after yourself and your wife. Don't try to carry the burden between you both.


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## Robster59 (Mar 25, 2020)

Lord Tyrion said:



			Keep posting, it's good therapy. After a LOT of aggravation, persuasion and effort my wife has set up a number of things now. Social services come in 3 times a week to wash and dress my MiL. A carer from a professional company  comes in for 4 hours on a Friday to spend one on one time with my MiL. This gives her stimulus and my FiL a chance to get out. Have you looked at this type of thing yet? If not, you really should.

We had also found an Age UK session where they picked her up in the morning and returned her in the afternoon. This again gave him a break and her stimulus. Annoyingly we only recently discovered this and it has had to be postponed for the time being, obvious reasons. Age UK seemingly do quite a bit for dementia patients but we had not realised. One to check out when the world returns to normal.

The current isolation is going to be tough for dementia carers. Make sure you look after yourself and your wife. Don't try to carry the burden between you both.
		
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Stimulus is a big thing he's missing now.  You can see a real change over the last couple of weeks.  Slowing down physically and mentally.  I've started taking out for a 10 minute walk every night just to get him moving but as he's not really interacting in the way he was, I think it's having a real affect on his thought process. We try to talk to him to keep him going but the four days a week he had going out to the club in the morning were really of help to him.


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## oxymoron (Mar 26, 2020)

I am sat here reading this with tears in my eyes, its just like a replay of whats happening with my dad .
We had to put him in a care home for his safety , he refused to live with us as he did not want to be a burden , ffs he is my dad he will never be a burden,
but the decision was taken from us when he fell while outside at 2 in the morning after just leaving the house ,doors open and everything .
He ended up in hospital where a very , very good doctor insisted he was not fit to be by himself and something was wrong and sorted all the tests that others said he did not need
as it was just "old age".
The decline in him is startling, to be honest its frightening . 
Initially i felt guilt that we could not give him the support he needed however, looking back i see it was the best thing for him , he was not coping and since my mum passed 
it became more evident when you look back. The staff at the home he is resident at are fantastic , we could not have wished for a better one.
The next thing is this current isolation , we have been told not to visit for 3 months and this is going to be hard , very hard, however the staff are facetiming relatives 
but it is not the same and to see him basically withering away is traumatic .

Robster , i think you are doing a brilliant job , i wish you well and pray you get the support we got when you need it, it is a tough time but as long as you remember 
how he was and its his condition affecting him now , its not his choice and as said patience and understanding are key .

Sorry for unloading and hope i have not hijacked the thread .


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## Lord Tyrion (Mar 26, 2020)

oxymoron said:



			Sorry for unloading and hope i have not hijacked the thread .
		
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A large part of the point of this thread is to unload. It doesn't belong to any single one of us, it is for all. It does you good to unload so feel free to keep doing it.

Powerful post


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## Robster59 (Mar 26, 2020)

oxymoron said:



			Sorry for unloading and hope i have not hijacked the thread .
		
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Sorry to hear about your Dad.  You're not hijacking the thread at all.  I think LT set it up for anyone in this situation to be able to "talk" about the situation. I come back to it occassionally as it's just somewhere I feel I can share in an almost impersonal way.  It's good (if you know what I mean) to know that there are others like me and that we can share these things.  It is so sad to see that someone you care about going through this.  I have been more fortunate with my parents that my Dad was fully with it till his death at 92.  My Mum is still going at 97 but whilst a little "away with the fairies" is not in the same situation as my Father in Law.
I have a very good friend who's father was Billy McNeil.  That was very sad to watch, and for somebody who was such an icon for so many people.
Please feel free to keep sharing if it helps.


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## Robster59 (Mar 26, 2020)

Lord Tyrion said:



			We have big timing issues with our MiL. She is anxious all the time, coat's on, wants to leave way before required. We have tried all sorts but that is a tough one to manage. Would an Alexa help in your case? It doesn't in ours but some may find it useful. We got her a special clock which shows the time, day, date etc which was supposed to help but it is shoved in a corner so she doesn't see it 

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Bit of a late reply on this, but we got him a talking alarm clock from Argos.  A lot better than a normal clock as he stopped being able to understand it a while ago.  When he had his dementia test he was asked about clock positions and he just couldn't handle it.  So he now has in his bedroom a talking clock and a clock with a light sensor so it's backlit at night in case he wakes up.  Again from Argos.  
He is also anxious about getting to places on time so we usually tell him his appointment is about half an hour later and that way he's not hovering around all the time.


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## Lord Tyrion (Mar 26, 2020)

Robster59 said:



			Bit of a late reply on this, but we got him a talking alarm clock from Argos.  A lot better than a normal clock as he stopped being able to understand it a while ago.  When he had his dementia test he was asked about clock positions and he just couldn't handle it.  So he now has in his bedroom a talking clock and a clock with a light sensor so it's backlit at night in case he wakes up.  Again from Argos. 
He is also anxious about getting to places on time so we usually tell him his appointment is about half an hour later and that way he's not hovering around all the time.
		
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We gave up on the big clock, it was digital incidentally. We then got her a talking watch. That was better although quite often she simply does not believe it. Not a lot you can do at that point. 

In terms of appointments if she knows she has one then she will be up, dressed, coat on by 4am. The appointment could be 2pm but she will be ready to go early doors. She also gets hugely agitated the day before, worried she will miss it and what it is about. We have told my FiL to stop telling her she has an appointment until they have to go to it. Just say 'we have to pop out now, come on'. That is all he has to do. Clueless piece of work leaves appointment letters out on the kitchen table, tells her days in advance, tells her the day before. Then he moans that she is ready 4am and nags him as to whether it is time to leave. My wife, her sister and brother, have said so often, 'you know, for a supposedly intelligent man he is incredibly stupid about this', that I stop them part way through. He has not learnt a single thing in the last two years about how to make this easier, how to manage someone with dementia, not a thing.

If you just have to adjust by only 30 minutes then you are doing well. Take a little victory where you can .

The positive note for us right now is that she use to do the sundown thing quite a bit and now it has eased. If you have not had that one yet it is where someone with dementia sees that it goes dark and thinks it is time to go to bed. This winter she was going up at 5pm, adamant it was bed time. Now that it is getting lighter in the evenings she is going to bed at a more normal time, getting up at a more normal time. A small victory.


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## Robster59 (Mar 26, 2020)

Thanks for that.  Undoubtedly we're going to hit these as well.  We may have to get to that eventually but at the moment he doesn't get ready till we tell him to so small mercies .  Certainly I think that if they want something to be done, they feel it has to be done now, and you have to explain to them that it can wait.  
He actually has two clocks and if they're not exactly the same, even if they're a minute out, then he wants them to match.  Even if he's going nowhere.  
What I do know is that I realise that routine and continuity is very important for them.  He has favourite programmes and trying to get him to watch something else is tricky.  
He's now watched the entire back catalogue of Heartbeat and Death in Parardise. .  
He used to enjoy his football but that's not on now and he doesn't like watching old games (though we'll give that another go) and trying to find him a film he can watch is also tricky.  
I work from home and though he's reasonably good at not bothering me, he'll still call through for when he can't find a programme, or presses the wrong button.  
Still, what can you do?  It's not their fault and they don't know the impact it has on other people. 
I think the hard part for him is that he knows he's losing it.  I think it bothered him more than it does now, as he's used to it.


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## Lord Tyrion (Mar 26, 2020)

Robster59 said:



			Thanks for that.  Undoubtedly we're going to hit these as well.  We may have to get to that eventually but at the moment he doesn't get ready till we tell him to so small mercies .  Certainly I think that if they want something to be done, they feel it has to be done now, and you have to explain to them that it can wait. 
He actually has two clocks and if they're not exactly the same, even if they're a minute out, then he wants them to match.  Even if he's going nowhere. 
What I do know is that I realise that routine and continuity is very important for them.  He has favourite programmes and trying to get him to watch something else is tricky. 
He's now watched the entire back catalogue of Heartbeat and Death in Parardise. . 
He used to enjoy his football but that's not on now and he doesn't like watching old games (though we'll give that another go) and trying to find him a film he can watch is also tricky. 
I work from home and though he's reasonably good at not bothering me, he'll still call through for when he can't find a programme, or presses the wrong button. 
Still, what can you do?  It's not their fault and they don't know the impact it has on other people.
I think the hard part for him is that he knows he's losing it.  I think it bothered him more than it does now, as he's used to it.
		
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I think that last part must be quite terrifying. My MiL completely denied any problem, my FiL the same. By the time we finally got her assesed, we tried for some time and neither of them would listen, she was passed the point of understanding. She is now oblivious to everything which in some ways is a blessing. Knowing what is happening to you, that has to be tough.

Have you tried your dad with old half hour sitcoms? Not too taxing, generally not subtle, you don't have to follow them too hard. UK Gold stuff. Been through the Heartbeat series a few times. What about Father Brown? Daytime rubbish but easy as pie. My MiL used to love murder mystery etc but she can not follow a plot now. That is why Heartbeat, Father Brown etc still work for her


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## Robster59 (Mar 26, 2020)

Lord Tyrion said:



			I think that last part must be quite terrifying. My MiL completely denied any problem, my FiL the same. By the time we finally got her assesed, we tried for some time and neither of them would listen, she was passed the point of understanding. She is now oblivious to everything which in some ways is a blessing. Knowing what is happening to you, that has to be tough.

Have you tried your dad with old half hour sitcoms? Not too taxing, generally not subtle, you don't have to follow them too hard. UK Gold stuff. Been through the Heartbeat series a few times. What about Father Brown? Daytime rubbish but easy as pie. My MiL used to love murder mystery etc but she can not follow a plot now. That is why Heartbeat, Father Brown etc still work for her 

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I might try that.  Forces TV seems to be the place for the really old British Sitcom that nobody else wants. 
He does watch other things but basically anything that involves a good murder!


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## arnieboy (Mar 26, 2020)

How I sympathise with you.
My father in law moved in with us two weeks ago following the passing of my mother in law. It has been difficult adjusting especially for my wife as we repeat things to him loads of times but he doesn't take it in. That ours is his home now, that he cannot leave the house on his own, that he has money in the bank but doesn't need to worry about it. He often asks to go to bed at 6pm before he has had dinner and when he does go to bed he can be up two or three times a night putting on his clothes. His personal and eating habits have deteriorated which is embarrassing for him and us. He is not particularly interested in television and watches the odd programme via the reflection in our French windows. Fortunately we have an excellent dementia day centre that he attends twice a week giving my wife a break. Strangely it was only last night that he mentioned the funeral  for the first time which is taking place next Monday. 
From being a top civil servant in London to where he is at now is truly sad but we will persevere until such time as it becomes too much to cope with.


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## Robster59 (Mar 26, 2020)

arnieboy said:



			How I sympathise with you.
My father in law moved in with us two weeks ago following the passing of my mother in law. It has been difficult adjusting especially for my wife as we repeat things to him loads of times but he doesn't take it in. That ours is his home now, that he cannot leave the house on his own, that he has money in the bank but doesn't need to worry about it. He often asks to go to bed at 6pm before he has had dinner and when he does go to bed he can be up two or three times a night putting on his clothes. His personal and eating habits have deteriorated which is embarrassing for him and us. He is not particularly interested in television and watches the odd programme via the reflection in our French windows. Fortunately we have an excellent dementia day centre that he attends twice a week giving my wife a break. Strangely it was only last night that he mentioned the funeral  for the first time which is taking place next Monday.
From being a top civil servant in London to where he is at now is truly sad but we will persevere until such time as it becomes too much to cope with.
		
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You have my sympathies as well. This is probably one of the hardest parts for you as you all have to adjust and it has a tremendous and impact on your life and relationship.  If you work from home, it also impacts on that as well.  It can be very disruptive at times.  
It's going to be hard for yourself and your wife but hopefully you can make your way through it together.  I'd try to encourage him to stay up as long as possible.  That way then he is less likely to get up in the middle of the night.  We've had that with us as well.  I could suggest making sure you have blackout blinds or curtains in his room so that he doesn't wake you up at first light.  
My Father in Law has been living with us for the last 16 years in his grandad flat at the back but it's only in the last 12-18 months when he has gradually got worse that he has become much more reliant on us.
I have to admit, I have found it helpful just to come on here and type stuff.  It's a relief of some sort.  Feel free to do the same anytime.


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## Ye Olde Boomer (Mar 26, 2020)

It's truly terrible. My dad had it at my age and died just a year older than I am now.
I would rather be humanely euthanized than finish my life as he did his.  
In every practical way, he died years before he died.
I guess that I should be thankful for having had him when I really needed him.

I was never exposed to dementia awareness courses, but this is of course America and we don't have the social support net that more civilized nations have.
I'm sure that I would have benefitted from something like that.
I just remember going to the nursing home every day after work and wheeling him around the grounds so that he'd get some fresh air.
He didn't know who I was.


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## arnieboy (Mar 27, 2020)

A bit of a shame today,  just had a phone call to say that the respite home has had to temporarily close down with immediate effect. Still offering the occasional home visit so may settle for that.


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## oxymoron (Mar 30, 2020)

Dads care home rung on Saturday night , he has to go to hospital , vomiting and shortness of breath and as he will get confused and agitated can we go with him , 
asked what the medical staff say being as our local NHS has stopped all visitors and accompanying people in to hospital and was put on to the paramedic who said to go.
Not being sure rang 111 who said do not go but check with the clinician when he gets to A&E .
The consultant says no , only if he tests negative for corvid-19 and he takes a turn for the worse we may be able for 1 of us to go to his bedside, but dont count on it.
This is heart wrenching not being able to be there for him in his state , when he probably needs us the most and at his lowest and most confused .
Luckilly a friends daughter is a nurse at the hospital he is going to and has been video calling us so we have got to see\talk to him and calm him a bit. 
She has told us the staff on his ward are using their phones to video call patients families so some contact is kept up.
The staff are brilliant every time he has been on this ward and times like this they really come to the fore , i just hope the families remember this after this virus settles down 
and treat them with the respect they deserve (all the NHS staff as well not just the ones they come in to contact with on the frailty wards ).


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## Robster59 (Mar 30, 2020)

That is obviously very distressing for you and undoubtedly I'd feel the same if I couldn't do anything.  It's great to hear that he is being cared for so well.  My best wishes to you.


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## arnieboy (Mar 31, 2020)

First blow up today. Unfortunately the FinL is very deaf and even with hearing aids my wife and I have to shout to be understood. All he was asked to do was hold the plate up while eating his sandwich to prevent dropping bits of chicken onto the settee. Whoosh, he went into orbit saying that we hated him, that we didn't want him living with us, that he was going to walk to his son's house (he lives 30 miles away) and finally saying that he was going to kill himself. Apparently he used to say similar things to my MinL,  I have a much greater understanding of what she went through during the past couple of years. Thanks, feel better for that.


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## Lord Tyrion (Mar 31, 2020)

arnieboy said:



			First blow up today. Unfortunately the FinL is very deaf and even with hearing aids my wife and I have to shout to be understood. All he was asked to do was hold the plate up while eating his sandwich to prevent dropping bits of chicken onto the settee. Whoosh, he went into orbit saying that we hated him, that we didn't want him living with us, that he was going to walk to his son's house (he lives 30 miles away) and finally saying that he was going to kill himself. Apparently he used to say similar things to my MinL,  I have a much greater understanding of what she went through during the past couple of years. Thanks, feel better for that.
		
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Two things I would say there. Firstly, don't take anything that he says to heart. The person saying these things is not the person he was. They will hurt and they may be scary but they are just irrational rants.

Second up, don't take this the wrong way, are you sure you are able to cope? People feel huge guilt about this but the best place for him may be a proper care home. That would take the weight away from your wife and yourself, he would get care from dedicated professionals who deal with people living with dementia all of the time. Having spoken to a number of people about this over the last 18 months - 2 years we have found nearly all wished they had done it earlier, everyone has benefited. Don't forget, you are not putting your FiL in a home as he is a bit of an inconvenience, you are handing a person with dementia over to professionals. If you took the sentiment out of the equation, if it were a friend and you were looking in, what would you suggest?


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## Robster59 (May 12, 2020)

Just an update (I find posting on here occassionally helps).  I think the lockdown has got us into a routine which helps with the FiL.
I wake him up at 8am for his pills then he lies in till about 8:00 and then goes back to sleep till about 10:30 when I wake him and give him his breakfast.  He then settles himself down to watch TV (we had about a month of old Heartbeats continuously on a loop as he didn't want to watch anything else! ).  Now he's into watching Western and War films so I'm continously looking for them to download to his Sky box.  At teatime I take him for a walk around our crescent to keep his legs going and he seems settled.  I'm tending to have to do more to help and advise him as he forgets things more and has no confidence to do stuff for himself now.  Even down to working anything bar the basics of the TV remote.  I have to watch out for him when he has his shower and supervise his teeth going in and out every day.  All fairly mundane tasks which you never think about having to do but somehow you just kind of fall into them.  My next task is to cut his hair.  I'll just have to keep him away from mirrors for a few weeks afterwards. 
The fact that we are staying at home helps but goodness knows what will happen once we both return to work.  It helps that a lot of my job can be done from home but there are some days when I have to spend 1-3 days away.  That's something we're going to have to think about.  Also the fact that we can't go anywhere alone together until we know it is safe to send him to a home for respite leaves the issue of how we're going to get some rest as a bit of an uncertainty.
My missus is more relaxed at the moment but I think once we get back to "normality" (whatever that will be) then I can see her stress levels rising exponentially again.
Lots of other people on here will be in the same boat I know.  Strange times.


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## Lord Tyrion (May 12, 2020)

My MiL would stand under the shower for 2 seconds and walk out. Sometimes she would go in, not turn the water on and come out! 'I'm done' she would claim  Toothbrushing took on a similar theme meaning the dentist was picking up problems. My FiL is meant to supervise but fails. We have now arranged for a carer to come in 3 mornings a week to supervise getting washed, deoderant, and dressing. We can't control the other 4 days but at least those 3 are covered. Choice of clothes has become very interesting to say the least, combinations in particular. If you have not done it already I would recommend reducing the number of clothes in his wardrobe. Less choice = less confusion. It also means fewer bad combinations and odd choices. I'm guessing TCM is your friend for westerns. My MiL watches a lot of ITV3, Midsommer Murders gets hammered, but she also likes visual sitcoms such as Only Fools.

What you are doing is brilliant, I take my hat off to you. Don't be shy about getting someone in from social services to help you. Up here the service is actually run by Age UK but the cost is not much and is well worth it. I assume you are getting a carers allowance so use it for that. The sooner you get help the better, it really is. 

One thing that really helps my wife, obviously she is not seeing them at the moment but when she was, is humour. Don't laugh at that daft things he does but laugh with him. Make a joke of it with him. After the event then you can laugh at it with your wife. You need huomur as a release, it really helps. (this may be obvious but some feel guilty about it. When you watch carers at work you will see the best ones jolly their patients along, use humour all of the time)

Keep the posts coming


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## oxymoron (May 12, 2020)

We have been told my dad is deteriorating to the point that he will have to move to a more specialized home with more nursing care .
This will cause him upset and confusion but as it is at the moment he cannot go due to the Covid-19 which really does give us a bit more
 time to find  home we are sure will meet his needs .We want to be there when he moves it is not fair on him to let "strangers" move him
to a different environment especially as he seems to like it where he is , the staff are gutted he can no longer stay with them the common
comment we get is that he is part of their family and he will be missed (indeed some of the carers were in tears when it was decided he had to move).


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## arnieboy (May 12, 2020)

My father in law had been with us for six weeks deteriorating by the day, giving me great concern that my wife was heading for a nervous breakdown. Being in lockdown and unable to leave the house was no doubt a contributory factor. Two weeks ago we could not get him up the stairs to bed and he collapsed on the floor. We called for an ambulance and he was admitted to hospital suffering from a urinary infection and pneumonia. We took the decision that we could no longer cope as there were certain behaviours that we could no longer face dealing with. As has been mentioned local care homes are currently not taking on new clients but luckily we found one that had one room left and he has now been there for a week. It is costing a small fortune but the staff have been fantastic so far. Unfortunately we were unable to visit him in hospital or in the care home but hopefully his memory loss will mean that for some of the time he won't realise that we haven't been there for him. My wife is racked with guilt but deep down she knows we had no choice and that this outcome was best for him and us. What a dreadful disease.


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## Robster59 (May 12, 2020)

Thanks everyone.  These are the difficult decisions everyone has to make.  We have reduced the amount of clothes in his wardrobe as he only wears the same ones over again because he is in the house.  TCM and Premier are both very useful for finding films and Sky keep chucking some old ones on as well.  We know that eventually he will have to go into a home but that's not going to happen soon.  You're right about the costs though.  
As I say I think the routines help us as well.  He knows how it works and you know you can (sort of) plan your day around it.  
I try to keep light-hearted with him.  When I cut his hair tonight I told him by the time I'd finished he'd qualify for the lead in The King & I!  I tend to make light of anything and tell him not to worry if something does happen so he doesn't get stressed by it.


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## oxymoron (May 13, 2020)

arnieboy said:



			My father in law had been with us for six weeks deteriorating by the day, giving me great concern that my wife was heading for a nervous breakdown. Being in lockdown and unable to leave the house was no doubt a contributory factor. Two weeks ago we could not get him up the stairs to bed and he collapsed on the floor. We called for an ambulance and he was admitted to hospital suffering from a urinary infection and pneumonia. We took the decision that we could no longer cope as there were certain behaviours that we could no longer face dealing with. As has been mentioned local care homes are currently not taking on new clients but luckily we found one that had one room left and he has now been there for a week. *It is costing a small fortune but the staff have been fantastic so far*. Unfortunately we were unable to visit him in hospital or in the care home but hopefully his memory loss will mean that for some of the time he won't realise that we haven't been there for him. *My wife is racked with guilt but deep down she knows we had no choice and that this outcome was best for him and us. *What a dreadful disease.
		
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Arnieboy , yes the fees are astronomical but if you get one with good staff its worth it .Have you talked to social services ? Our social worker was a godsend, she was fully informed and helped on the financial side no end. Did someone explain about top up fees to you ? you do have to be a bit careful in this area as it could end up costing you and your wife to supplement his keep.
On the guilt side its normal , i still have episodes where i ask myself is this the best for him and yes i feel it is , i could not cope if he was not in care . We have just had to do a Deprivation of liberty (DoL) with the council as he is in a secure home to ensure we are not forcing him to be what is basically locked up , even though it is for his own safety ,very traumatic when you realize you are effectively locking them away and this brought on the guilt feelings once more.
However , and it seems flippant to say this , you need to do whats best for all ,for you , your wife and your FiL .
All the best going forward .


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## wrighty1874 (May 13, 2020)

Dementia is quite rife on my father's side of the family, but they all had very long lives, and didn't develop until their 80s, some lived well into their 90s and it was especially horrible seeing my grandad come down with it, as I lived in England while he was in Edinburgh, so couldn't really remember me, and that was heartbreaking. My aunt has just passed away a month ago, suffering from Picks disease, probably the worst kind of dementia going, strips one of all their dignity and are virtually like  a baby, unable to speak feed themselves, go to the bathroom by themselves. Such a tragic time for families. Growing old is not all it's cracked up to be.


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## oxymoron (May 14, 2020)

Just had a call from dads care home , he is now too "challenging" for them and we need to start looking at alternatives .
This is a bad enough task at the best of times but with Covid its going to be nigh on impossible .Have had to speak to
social services but get the feeling its going to be a painful long , hard slog to sort anything out .There needs to be a meeting
 of several agencies to come to a decision as to where we go from here even though we all seem to know what he needs ,
and where he needs to go to get the care and environment he needs but these homes are few and far between .
From my side its so stressful , and only someone who has had to do this can understand just how much strain it puts on your
family ,or rather the family members who are left to sort things when others in the family only want to be there for the good things.

Today's rant over , sorry gent's i know this is a depressing subject but i am so grateful to be able to post on here the relative anonymity
really does help , so thank you all who read and understand what we are going through .


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## Hobbit (May 14, 2020)

oxymoron said:



			Just had a call from dads care home , he is now too "challenging" for them and we need to start looking at alternatives .
This is a bad enough task at the best of times but with Covid its going to be nigh on impossible .Have had to speak to
social services but get the feeling its going to be a painful long , hard slog to sort anything out .There needs to be a meeting
of several agencies to come to a decision as to where we go from here even though we all seem to know what he needs ,
and where he needs to go to get the care and environment he needs but these homes are few and far between .
From my side its so stressful , and only someone who has had to do this can understand just how much strain it puts on your
family ,or rather the family members who are left to sort things when others in the family only want to be there for the good things.

Today's rant over , sorry gent's i know this is a depressing subject but i am so grateful to be able to post on here the relative anonymity
really does help , so thank you all who read and understand what we are going through .
		
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Rant away as much as you like buddy. It is a very stressful, difficult time. The emotional attachment makes it very difficult. Its never far from your thoughts, and at times there's a feeling that everyone else is only giving it 5 mins of their time. A good Social Worker is an absolute boon, and we had one, but a lot of the graft will still fall on you. How on earth you go and vet care centres and homes when they are locked down... its hell anyway, and you definitely have my sympathy at a time like this.

And feel free to rant away any time you like.


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## Robster59 (May 14, 2020)

oxymoron said:



			Just had a call from dads care home , he is now too "challenging" for them and we need to start looking at alternatives .
This is a bad enough task at the best of times but with Covid its going to be nigh on impossible .Have had to speak to social services but get the feeling its going to be a painful long , hard slog to sort anything out .There needs to be a meeting of several agencies to come to a decision as to where we go from here even though we all seem to know what he needs, and where he needs to go to get the care and environment he needs but these homes are few and far between.  From my side its so stressful , and only someone who has had to do this can understand just how much strain it puts on your family ,or rather the family members who are left to sort things when others in the family only want to be there for the good things.

Today's rant over , sorry gent's i know this is a depressing subject but i am so grateful to be able to post on here the relative anonymity really does help , so thank you all who read and understand what we are going through .
		
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Rant all you want.  I find that writing on here is a release for me.  Not all the time, just as and when I feel the need to share it with someone who is going through something similar.  We are not at the stage you are at the moment but we know that it will come.  It certainly does cause a strain, and different people handle it in different ways.  I tend to try and take as much stress off my partner as I can as she gets herself far more worked up than I do.  She has never had the best relationship with her Dad and she lost her Mum over 20 years ago.  She is an only child so they only have each other.  

The important thing is for everyone involved to stick together and don't let it drive you apart.  If people who you feel should be helping aren't then that is obviously something you feel you need to address with them, but given your stress levels such discussions can get very emotive (and believe me, living in Glasgow, I've seen lots of heated/emotive discussions ).  A calm discussion explaining how you feel and how you need support may be better.  Some people don't realise, or don't want to realise, just how bad it is.  

My Mum is 97 this year and my Dad passed away 4 years ago.  I live in Glasgow, my eldest brother had passed and my other brother struggles to cope with things like this so I had to drive down to sort.  However, he looks after my Mum although she still lives on her own and has carers every day. My Dad never had dementia and my Mum has wandered but not too bad. But everything is all on my brother and I feel bad about that.  But then again we have my Father in Law. 

For you, not only is finding the correct care home an issue, but also finding one which isn't infected.  This is where you need support of other groups like Age Concern, Dementia UK, etc. as well as Social Services.  They are there to help and could provide you with solutions you never even considered.  Never feel you're on your own.


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## oxymoron (May 14, 2020)

Thanks gent's its good to get some stuff off the chest once in a while , i try really hard not to let it take over our lives and fortunately my daughter has really stepped up 
and is an absolute godsend .I think i am a bit "old school" and try to be the head of the family (oldest child ) but my brother does not cope very well with situations like this 
he almost had a breakdown when our mum passed but i think he could do more he just seems to choose not too. 
I realized some time ago i would need help and reached out and once i did , believe me , things seemed to reach a new , more manageable perspective .
As said , when you reach the point of accepting you are not superman, then things get easier, not too easy, but a damn sight easier and when you find out how 
widespread this is you do ease up on the guilt of putting them in care ,IT IS THE BEST THING FOR THEIR SAFETY  and i put that in capitals to emphasize that .
Not only their safety but your mental health as well if you collapse your family gets a whole set of extra problems they do not need so look after yourself and those around you .
The feeling of guilt never goes but you have to put it in perspective .


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## arnieboy (May 14, 2020)

Totally agree, we are now at peace with the fact that the FinL is in a safe place and in receipt of quality,  professional care.


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## oxymoron (May 14, 2020)

arnieboy said:



			Totally agree, we are now at peace with the fact that the FinL is in a safe place and in receipt of quality,  professional care.
		
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Brilliant i hope it all keeps going that way , all the best to you and your family, indeed to all forummers in this situation, in this tough time .


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## Hobbit (May 14, 2020)

oxymoron said:



			Thanks gent's its good to get some stuff off the chest once in a while , i try really hard not to let it take over our lives and fortunately my daughter has really stepped up
and is an absolute godsend .I think i am a bit "old school" and try to be the head of the family (oldest child ) but my brother does not cope very well with situations like this
he almost had a breakdown when our mum passed but i think he could do more he just seems to choose not too.
I realized some time ago i would need help and reached out and once i did , believe me , things seemed to reach a new , more manageable perspective .
As said , when you reach the point of accepting you are not superman, then things get easier, not too easy, but a damn sight easier and when you find out how
widespread this is you do ease up on the guilt of putting them in care ,IT IS THE BEST THING FOR THEIR SAFETY  and i put that in capitals to emphasize that .
Not only their safety but your mental health as well if you collapse your family gets a whole set of extra problems they do not need so look after yourself and those around you .
The feeling of guilt never goes but you have to put it in perspective .
		
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For several years a very good friend of ours kept saying the best thing was to put them where they got the best care. You can only provide xx hours of amateur care, and with the best will in the world  emotions getting in the way. A home can provide 24 hrs of professional care with passion for the job, not emotion. Someone who is passionate for the job is far better than someone who is emotional for it.

Good luck.


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## Lord Tyrion (May 16, 2020)

This is classic stuff for anyone not familiar with dementia but still tough to take. My SiL rang her dad to see how they were getting on, it's her mum with Alzheimer's. Her mum picks up:

How are you?
I'm a bit sad
Why is that?
I found out yesterday that my mother died

Her mother died 45 years ago. What do you say to your mother with alzheimer's when she is upset due to the death of her mother? To her it was yesterday, not 45 years ago.

There are loads of examples of lapsed memory, comments etc but some hit the heart strings a little harder.


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## Hobbit (May 16, 2020)

Lord Tyrion said:



			This is classic stuff for anyone not familiar with dementia but still tough to take. My SiL rang her dad to see how they were getting on, it's her mum with Alzheimer's. Her mum picks up:

How are you?
I'm a bit sad
Why is that?
I found out yesterday that my mother died

Her mother died 45 years ago. What do you say to your mother with alzheimer's when she is upset due to the death of her mother? To her it was yesterday, not 45 years ago.

There are loads of examples of lapsed memory, comments etc but some hit the heart strings a little harder.
		
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That brings back a painful memory. During one of the MiL's latter hospital stays she asked, "where's Ray," her husband. He'd died 5 years before. HID just filled up. I told the MiL he'd died. I still remember the keening howl that cut right through me.


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## Piece (May 16, 2020)

My Dad is 86, soon to be 87. He has dementia for a few years now and has been at home with my Mum, who is now effectively his carer. She is keeping strong on the outside, as that generation do, thinking they can cope, but I know on the inside it is really hard for her. She told me today that Dad now occasionally asks who she is, despite being married for over 60 years. 😳. Not sure what you say to that. Reading stuff on this thread is invaluable. Thanks.


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## arnieboy (May 19, 2020)

Should probably be in the Gladden the Heart page but after two weeks in hospital with no visitors and two weeks in isolation in the care home with no visitors we finally managed to Skype the father in law. He couldn't hear much as his hearing aids are rubbish but at least he could see us. He will be able to leave his room on Thursday and mingle with other residents which will good for him. Tears all around but it was very therapeutic for my wife.


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## Robster59 (May 19, 2020)

That's where modern technology is great.  I Skyped my Mum at the weekend.  She can't hear anything but it really helps that she can see us.  Especially as she lives in Widnes, I live in Glasgow and my two kids live in Surrey.


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## oxymoron (Jun 2, 2020)

Well today we have to take dad to a new home a he was too challenging for the present one .This is going to confuse the hell out of him.
we also have to transport him ourselves as they were going to put him in a taxi with a staff member but sod that at least i know my car is clean and i will be wearing the correct PPE
to ensure the risk is as low as possible .Not happy but needs must and all that , on the bright side  at least i will get to see him even though i cannot go in the new home .


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## Lord Tyrion (Jun 2, 2020)

oxymoron said:



			Well today we have to take dad to a new home a he was too challenging for the present one .This is going to confuse the hell out of him.
we also have to transport him ourselves as they were going to put him in a taxi with a staff member but sod that at least i know my car is clean and i will be wearing the correct PPE
to ensure the risk is as low as possible .Not happy but needs must and all that , on the bright side  at least i will get to see him even though i cannot go in the new home .
		
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Best of luck


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## Robster59 (Jun 2, 2020)

oxymoron said:



			Well today we have to take dad to a new home a he was too challenging for the present one .This is going to confuse the hell out of him.
we also have to transport him ourselves as they were going to put him in a taxi with a staff member but sod that at least i know my car is clean and i will be wearing the correct PPE
to ensure the risk is as low as possible .Not happy but needs must and all that , on the bright side  at least i will get to see him even though i cannot go in the new home .
		
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Good luck.  You've been having a bit of a time of it.  I hope he gets the chance to settle in the new place.


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## oxymoron (Jun 2, 2020)

Thanks for the posts gent's, transfer went well staff from old home came out to wish him well , some younger ones were visibly upset as we said earlier it is the staff that make the care home ,home . He slept all the way to his new one and was met with a welcome committee made up of all the staff who will be caring for him , made us feel very welcome so all looking good at the moment .
Have to admit both myself and my daughter had a tear in our eyes on the way home .
One very positive note , we got to see him , not easy in today's environment .


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## arnieboy (Jun 8, 2020)

This is also a Gladden the Heart comment. After two weeks in hospital with no visitors and four weeks in the care home, two in isolation, my wife and her brother were able to visit my father in law yesterday. Limited to thirty minutes and held in the garden their spirits were lifted greatly. Social distancing went out of the window as all he wanted to do was hug them and nothing was going to stop him!


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## oxymoron (Jul 9, 2020)

It is with a very heavy heart that I type this , my dad passed away Friday .Due to the COVID restrictions we were just too late .
A release for him really just painful for us that are left .
We are out of this nightmare now and my thoughts are with you all left still in the battle with this vile disease .
A big thank you from myself for this post it really helped me along this absolute swine of a journey .

Thank you and good luck gents


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## Lord Tyrion (Jul 9, 2020)

Sad to hear this but as you allude to, what life is it for the person living with this, for the family who have to watch the decline? My wife is now finding it hard to remember how her mum was before dementia, that is cruel. Best wishes to you and your family.

Thank you for posting, keep doing so with advice when others come on. I find this thread a very good and helpful one and contributors who have been through this add a huge amount.


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## Robster59 (Jul 9, 2020)

Please accept my condolences.  It's always a very sad time to lose someone but I know when my Dad passed I saw it as a release for him as well as the family.  He was riddled with cancer and in absolute agony.  I was the only member of the family who was with him and I haven't told anyone else what it was like as no need to burden them.
The best you can do is remember all the good and happy times with him and keep the happy thoughts to the front.
As LT has said, this forum is a release for myself and, I am sure, for many others in the same situation.


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## Tashyboy (Jul 9, 2020)

Gutted to hear this Oxy me man. Missis T had a deep conversation over the weekend when her mum called her. Ma in law was upset as Missis Ts dad asked "who are those presents for on the table". They were for him, Missis T and her sister had been round earlier in the day as it was fathers day. He couldn't remember. He got upset about it and said he is going to get help..I will be surprised.
Thoughts and best wishes. Mr and missis T


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## arnieboy (Jul 9, 2020)

My condolences as well.
I managed to have a half hour visit with my FiL last Sunday  the first time I had seen him for three months due to restrictions . He has deteriorated during that time but my wife and I both know that he is in the safest place receiving professional care.


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## clubchamp98 (Jul 9, 2020)

My Condolences.
It’s never easy losing a member of your family.
When my mum died I felt really guilty about being relived.
She had dementia quite advanced.
She died as a result of an RTA and it was a shock at the time.
I look back on it as a blessing in disguise ,but I still feel a bit guilty even though I know it was for the best for her more than the rest of us.
Take care.


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## oxymoron (Jul 9, 2020)

Thanks for all the posts . It was the not seeing him that’s the hardest to bear , we are comforted that he is now at rest .


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## Tashyboy (Jul 9, 2020)

oxymoron said:



			Thanks for all the posts . It was the not seeing him that’s the hardest to bear , we are comforted that he is now at rest .
		
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Had a tough day yesterday.Tricky Trev me main PP. his wife retired last October, she had a stroke Dec 1st. She had been in a coma since 4 weeks ago and suddenly died. Funeral yesterday. It was painful to see him and his lad. Was stood outside listening to the service. Don’t know how many times I thought she is at peace. As for Trev, he is deep. He will get there, but there’s a smallest light at the end of the tunnel that was not there a few months ago.


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## oxymoron (Jul 24, 2020)

Another gentleman we know passed earlier today , dementia took hold of him quickly so i suppose his family did not have to see the indignity of a lot of the heartbreaking effects of the condition.
he was quite a young 75 year old until 6 months ago so in some small mercy they were spared a lot of the trauma .
I sent a link to this thread to his daughter , she read it and was taken aback at the conversation and she said it had helped her no end .
She has asked me to pass on her best wishes to all on her who have this disease in the family .
So gents keep up the conversation , some one may be reading and find comfort from something here , however insignificant to us it will help someone out there.


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## Robster59 (Aug 6, 2020)

This is a useful thread to chat for me.  It's quite cathartic.  I don't feel I need to add something all the time, but it is good to come back to occasionally.  
We are definitely seeing the changes in the Father in Law.  With him it's the slower decline but sometimes you suddenly realise how much he's gone down again.  He's totally reliant on us and now looks to us for advice and you have to tell him how to do more and more things.  We try to let him do as much as he can so he doesn't vegetate and I take him out for a daily walk around the crescent to keep him mobile. 
But it's hard.  You ride a roller coaster of emotions from frustration to sympathy.  At all times, you try not to show any frustration or anger as it isn't his fault. 
The fact we are working from home helps but is also very intrusive to the work flow as it disrupts what you are trying to do.
Thankfully he likes watching endless repeats of Heartbeat (if I never hear that song again, I'll be a happy man!) and westerns, so I am always looking for new (old) ones to download to his Sky box.  Thank goodness they made so many westerns.  
And of course, we can't go anywhere on holiday as we are worried about Covid from sending him into respite so there isn't really a release there.  And even if I have to travel on business (previously restricted but starting to be required now), we have to co-ordinate our timing so he can be looked after. 
All this adds to the stress for us as we aren't getting the respite we need either.  Holidays are now long weekends taken just so we're not looking at the laptop from 9 to 5.
There's nothing really revolutionary in anything here, lots of other people will be going through the same but I'm very thankful this thread was started.


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## Tashyboy (Aug 6, 2020)

Missis T her sister and brother had a " union meeting" a week last Sunday. FiL term for  family meeting. It was deep. It all came to a head and bottom line FIL agreed to see a Dr about it. Even though " theres nowt wrong". He went yesterday and " it didnt go well", his words. When asked what month it is, he replied " why do I need to know, my wife knows what month it is". Apparently he just been told to stop driving but there's confusion as to whether the dr infoms the DVLA or the FIL. At the same time they picked up something on his heart rhythm so he is in today for a  check on his valve replaced heart. 
Its odd that there was a report earlier this week saying dementia cases are falling. Dont seem it.


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## Robster59 (Aug 6, 2020)

Tashyboy said:



			Missis T her sister and brother had a " union meeting" a week last Sunday. FiL term for  family meeting. It was deep. It all came to a head and bottom line FIL agreed to see a Dr about it. Even though " theres nowt wrong". He went yesterday and " it didnt go well", his words. When asked what month it is, he replied " why do I need to know, my wife knows what month it is". Apparently he just been told to stop driving but there's confusion as to whether the dr infoms the DVLA or the FIL. At the same time they picked up something on his heart rhythm so he is in today for a  check on his valve replaced heart.
Its odd that there was a report earlier this week saying dementia cases are falling. Dont seem it.
		
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My understanding is the Doctor should inform the DVLA. We went down this route with the FiL as we knew he'd put up a fight about not driving so the doctor route was the easier option. You can always check with the doctor. 
I remember the nurse doing a test on the FiL and was shocked about how many basic things he couldn't do, days of the week, time, etc. The tests are well designed for analysing the problem.


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## Tashyboy (Sep 11, 2020)

So FIL has had his second zoom appointment with a specialist with Missis T sat with him. MIL wanted to disappear again upstairs til the appointment was finished.  Missis  T said “ your going nowhere, it affects you as much as anyone else”. Bottom line, he has been diagnosed with vascular dementia with a bit of Alzhiemers . He has been told he should not be driving and that the DVLA have been informed and he should let them know as well. Didn’t stop him driving to ASDA last week. I blame MIL for allowing him and actually getting in the car. me and the rest of the family were livid.
On his second appointment he was told he could have a driving test to see if he is fit to drive. He is livid with his GP who stopped him driving. 
My thoughts on him prior to getting this is that he has been a self centred selfish sod for as long as I can remember. This dementia/ Alzhiemers just seems to of made his personality worse. I have told Missis T and her sister it is massive credit to them that they have turned out the way they have With him the way he has been. They give the credit to there grand parents On there mothers side.
He has High BP, cholestero,dicky ticker, alzhiemers and dementia yet gets through a litre of Bells whiskey a week, lager and Guinnes. MIL says he don’t get drunk though so his drinking is ok. I could scream at her.
Missis T has had a google and read they may have mini strokes and vascular dementia can be the quickest form in which they deteriorate. 
FIL called Missis T on Tuesday and had a right rant at her. Apparently Missis T has ”stitched him up”. She knew he would be stopped from driving and everyone is conspiring against him. She had the phone on hands free and me and son was listening. I know it’s important to keep calm but I was raging. She is busting a gut to Help but is being slagged off by her dad. I was Amazed with Missis T. She was as calm as I have ever seen her. It was a side I have never seen, ever. Don’t know if it was her nursing training or not. 
Unfortunately  am now walking in the shoes of other forumers who have been there and it’s not good at all.
 Might speak to Missis T about going on a dementia course as he has deffo got worse over the couple of months.


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## Lord Tyrion (Sep 12, 2020)

Deep breaths Tashy, deep breaths. The normal answer to your post is that this is no longer your FiL, his personality has changed but it is the illness talking. In this case it may be that the illness has partly amplified his personality and his unpleasant side his coming more to the fore. Either way it is exceptionally hard for Mrs T to take, exceptionally hard for you to hear her taking it. Don't take it personally, that it is the thing to hang on to.

There is no easy answer for you here, you are going through a tough stage right now. Hopefully he will become more compliant over time, sadly as the illness takes over. My MiL has gone from total denial, tetchy, fidgety, odd cutting remark to now being quiet, very compliant, still and a little giggly. It stopped being her 3 - 4 years ago though, very sad to see.

Take the course, remember what you are doing is the right thing, whatever is thrown at you all (been there with the driving license 😡). Those kids and grandkids of yours are going to be massive for you and Mrs T in helping you get through this. They will keep you smiling 👍


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## Tashyboy (Sep 12, 2020)

Just mentioned to Missis T re the course. Will ask her to contact the woman re the course. Am sure the road ahead is bumpy. What’s shocking is to see someone going from normality to aggressiveness in a split second. It’s like a switch has been flicked.


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## clubchamp98 (Sep 12, 2020)

Tashyboy said:



			Just mentioned to Missis T re the course. Will ask her to contact the woman re the course. Am sure the road ahead is bumpy. What’s shocking is to see someone going from normality to aggressiveness in a split second. It’s like a switch has been flicked.
		
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My dad was the same.
He called me every name under the sun one day, then the next he was back to normal.
Very confusing for him as well.
It’s heart breaking at times, especially for the grandchildren as they only remember the fun guy he was.
Mrs T is going to need lots of support ( so you must keep your rage to yourself for now).
You mustn’t argue over it, it will be difficult though.
Dad blamed me for everything that went wrong, even having to go to hospital apps.
We got to the stage with the drinking / smoking that it can’t do him anymore harm, and he might as well get out of life what he enjoys while he has time.
Tough times ahead , best wishes.


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## Tashyboy (Sep 12, 2020)

I think we will be fine ish. Missis Ts nursing knowledge and my calming Influence 🤔
Joking aside, thankful were both retired, having the time helps. Missis T has had another phone call this morning. Along the lines of can you come round again off MIL. Unfortunately no.
Missis T is having some retail therapy for her new  summer house aka " Dog kennel".


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## Piece (Sep 12, 2020)

My Dad is the opposite, in that with his condition he has turned into a placid, chilled and dare I say better person. But it’s not him. The driving thing was an issue as his car was his life, 24-7. But deep down he knew as well. Today he knows he owned cars, just can‘t remember what and when.


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## Tashyboy (Oct 19, 2020)

FIL had a driving test last Thursday, he passed. When Missis T and her brother picked him up, he asked where were they going. When he was told he had passed, he had a bit of a rant saying it was a money making con. Even though it was free on the NHS.
when he got home MiL asked how he went on. He said “ with what”. He was prompted re his driving test and he Could not remember having taken it.
He booked in for the MOT and Missis T said “do a check on the car as it has not moved for 2 months“. he didn’t. Got in the car to take it for MOT and it would not start. 🥴
He is drinking far more than he should be but Missis T reckons that ain’t gonna change now.
MIL is ringing more than she ever has. Interesting times ahead.


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## clubchamp98 (Oct 19, 2020)

Tashyboy said:



			FIL had a driving test last Thursday, he passed. When Missis T and her brother picked him up, he asked where were they going. When he was told he had passed, he had a bit of a rant saying it was a money making con. Even though it was free on the NHS.
when he got home MiL asked how he went on. He said “ with what”. He was prompted re his driving test and he Could not remember having taken it.
He booked in for the MOT and Missis T said “do a check on the car as it has not moved for 2 months“. he didn’t. Got in the car to take it for MOT and it would not start. 🥴
He is drinking far more than he should be but Missis T reckons that ain’t gonna change now.
MIL is ringing more than she ever has. Interesting times ahead.
		
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That dosnt sound good.
Mates father did this and drove from Warrington to Scotland ,he ran out of petrol on the M8.
Didn’t know where he was and was arrested for having a go at a traffic cop.
He had to go and get him and drive the car home.
Cost him best part of £800 ,recovery , pound ,and fine off the magistrate.
Physically he probably can drive .
But by what you say he really should not be.


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## Tashyboy (Oct 19, 2020)

clubchamp98 said:



			That dosnt sound good.
Mates father did this and drove from Warrington to Scotland ,he ran out of petrol on the M8.
Didn’t know where he was and was arrested for having a go at a traffic cop.
He had to go and get him and drive the car home.
Cost him best part of £800 ,recovery , pound ,and fine off the magistrate.
Physically he probably can drive .
But by what you say he really should not be.
		
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Only really scratching the surface with it, when he mentioned he could now tow the caravan. They told him he would have to have a retest in 6 months which set him off on his rant. In the past he has used his hands on people inc family. An eye is being kept on him re his temper Which has flared a few times.


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## williamalex1 (Oct 19, 2020)

Sad times,  my ex wife has a dementia/memory problem she's just been taken into a care home for assessment, BTW we divorce 46 years ago.


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## Robster59 (Oct 19, 2020)

Tashyboy said:



			FIL had a driving test last Thursday, he passed. When Missis T and her brother picked him up, he asked where were they going. When he was told he had passed, he had a bit of a rant saying it was a money making con. Even though it was free on the NHS.
when he got home MiL asked how he went on. He said “ with what”. He was prompted re his driving test and he Could not remember having taken it.
He booked in for the MOT and Missis T said “do a check on the car as it has not moved for 2 months“. he didn’t. Got in the car to take it for MOT and it would not start. 🥴
He is drinking far more than he should be but Missis T reckons that ain’t gonna change now.
MIL is ringing more than she ever has. Interesting times ahead.
		
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That's worrying as you say.  I'm surprised that he's got through the test but if he's as bad as you say, now may be the time for him to be mentally assessed.  He can still be stopped from driving if the doctor considers him incapable.  It's not easy but better than finding one day he's been in accident and somebody is badly injured.


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## Robster59 (Oct 19, 2020)

Funnily enough, I've been thinking of posting on here myself as I hadn't for a while and I do find it helpful at times.  
Life goes on with the Father in Law here but his condition is deteriorating.  With Covid, we haven't been able to get away anywhere for a break, not even an overnight as we can't put him in a Care home for respite because of concerns over his safety.  We took our first full week off of 2020 last week.  We didn't go anywhere as there isn't really anywhere we can go.  In addition, your day is basically built around his requirements.  Typically wake him up for his pills at 8, then he goes back to sleep.  Wake him up for his breakfast at 10 and then lunch about 12:30.  I try to take him out for a daily walk about 16:30 every day, then his tea, then I get him settled at about 21:00.  
Add into that we are both working from home and so all-in-all that is our life at present.  I get to the golf every Saturday but the missus can't even go and visit her friends as that is banned at the moment.  It is undoubtedly a strain, I'd be lying to say otherwise, but what can you do?  It's not his fault and we can't just dump him somewhere as it's not convenient.  In years to come, that could be us.  You realise how reliant he is on us and looks for us for help with most things.  For a man who ran a major engineering business, and travelled over the world, it's a sad thing to see.  
My Mum turned 97 last month.  She's still doing pretty well.  Almost deaf but not as bad as mentally as the Father in Law but I know that's a strain for my brother who looks after her (we're over 200 miles apart).


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## clubchamp98 (Oct 19, 2020)

My very mild mannered mother threatened dad with a kitchen knife once.
He ended up hiding all the cutlery.
We were told mild people can turn like this and really aggressive people can become very calm, it’s very strange .
His bottle went But his denial over the years made it worse imo.
I think you need to stop him now before he hurts or kills someone.
It’s very difficult to do but the consequences of not doing it might haunt you and Mrs T if he does something in the car.


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## Robster59 (Oct 19, 2020)

clubchamp98 said:



			My very mild mannered mother threatened dad with a kitchen knife once.
He ended up hiding all the cutlery.
We were told mild people can turn like this and really aggressive people can become very calm, it’s very strange .
His bottle went But his denial over the years made it worse imo.
I think you need to stop him now before he hurts or kills someone.
It’s very difficult to do but the consequences of not doing it might haunt you and Mrs T if he does something in the car.
		
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My Father in Law had a temper on him but he's calmed down a lot.  He loses it occassionally but nothing like what he was previously.


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## clubchamp98 (Oct 19, 2020)

Robster59 said:



			Funnily enough, I've been thinking of posting on here myself as I hadn't for a while and I do find it helpful at times. 
Life goes on with the Father in Law here but his condition is deteriorating.  With Covid, we haven't been able to get away anywhere for a break, not even an overnight as we can't put him in a Care home for respite because of concerns over his safety.  We took our first full week off of 2020 last week.  We didn't go anywhere as there isn't really anywhere we can go.  In addition, your day is basically built around his requirements.  Typically wake him up for his pills at 8, then he goes back to sleep.  Wake him up for his breakfast at 10 and then lunch about 12:30.  I try to take him out for a daily walk about 16:30 every day, then his tea, then I get him settled at about 21:00. 
Add into that we are both working from home and so all-in-all that is our life at present.  I get to the golf every Saturday but the missus can't even go and visit her friends as that is banned at the moment.  It is undoubtedly a strain, I'd be lying to say otherwise, but what can you do?  It's not his fault and we can't just dump him somewhere as it's not convenient.  In years to come, that could be us.  You realise how reliant he is on us and looks for us for help with most things.  For a man who ran a major engineering business, and travelled over the world, it's a sad thing to see. 
My Mum turned 97 last month.  She's still doing pretty well.  Almost deaf but not as bad as mentally as the Father in Law but I know that's a strain for my brother who looks after her (we're over 200 miles apart).
		
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That must be really tough.
I looked after my dad and it was very hard work .
All the best and make sure you look after yourselves as a lot of careers don’t do this enough.


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## Lord Tyrion (Oct 19, 2020)

We used to employ a woman who worked in a care home for a few years. She could tell some funny stories, some sad. She saw quiet people go nasty, nasty people become pussy cats, polite people start to swear profusely. The funniest, she practically did a routine for this, was an incredibly well mannered man who became very 'handsy' when being dressed. His wife was utterly mortified when told.

This illness changes people, they are not the same person and that is incredibly difficult for those close to handle, unless of course it makes someone nicer.


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## Lord Tyrion (Oct 19, 2020)

The awkward one for us right now is that my MiL really needs to be in a care home. She is having toilet accidents on a pretty regular basis, is less and less capable of carrying out basic tasks. Carers come in but the whole job is too much for my FiL. He has been poor throughout this but even a capable person would struggle at this stage.

The issue is, if she goes in now can we see her? Can we go in? Not sure my wife could take her going in and then her effectively being isolated within the home. My MiL may or may not notice but it would be cruel on her husband, my wife. What if she does notice and goes downhill because she can't see any familiar faces? The decision is entirely logical but not necessarily in the current circumstances.


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## Tashyboy (Oct 19, 2020)

clubchamp98 said:



			My very mild mannered mother threatened dad with a kitchen knife once.
He ended up hiding all the cutlery.
We were told mild people can turn like this and really aggressive people can become very calm, it’s very strange .
His bottle went But his denial over the years made it worse imo.
I think you need to stop him now before he hurts or kills someone.
It’s very difficult to do but the consequences of not doing it might haunt you and Mrs T if he does something in the car.
		
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The problem is with his driving is when he had a Zoom interview Re his dementia, he was told he could have a driving test as the dr had stopped him From driving. He passed it. Initially we were informed he would be retested in 1 year. We think because he mentioned towing, they said retest in six months.
unfortunately because the driving examiner passed him. There’s nigh on nowt we can do bar hope he fails in six months.


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## oxymoron (Oct 20, 2020)

Tashyboy said:



			The problem is with his driving is when he had a Zoom interview Re his dementia, he was told he could have a driving test as the dr had stopped him From driving. He passed it. Initially we were informed he would be retested in 1 year. We think because he mentioned towing, they said retest in six months.
unfortunately because the driving examiner passed him. There’s nigh on nowt we can do bar hope he fails in six months.
		
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Tashy i don't know if this is possible but how about going down the insurance route ? Surely you have to inform his car insurance about his condition and they may impose conditions or at the least the cost may become too much.
Its a farce that the Dr stops him then he can take a test , which may coincide with one of his good days and then he is allowed back on the road.

I have kept an eye on this thread since dad passed and it is heartbreaking the prevalence of this condition  .

Good luck Tashy it sounds like you have a hard journey ahead so all the best .


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## Tashyboy (Oct 20, 2020)

oxymoron said:



			Tashy i don't know if this is possible but how about going down the insurance route ? Surely you have to inform his car insurance about his condition and they may impose conditions or at the least the cost may become too much.
Its a farce that the Dr stops him then he can take a test , which may coincide with one of his good days and then he is allowed back on the road.

I have kept an eye on this thread since dad passed and it is heartbreaking the prevalence of this condition  .

Good luck Tashy it sounds like you have a hard journey ahead so all the best .
		
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you know I had not even Considered him letting the insurance know. Gonna google to see if it is compulsor.


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## arnieboy (Oct 20, 2020)

As I have previously mentioned my FiL is in a dementia care home. Up until now visiting has been once a week for two people outside for half an hour. Due to the weather this has now been moved to inside with only one visitor allowed. Very challenging when several members of the family want to see him.


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## Lord Tyrion (Oct 20, 2020)

arnieboy said:



			As I have previously mentioned my FiL is in a dementia care home. Up until now visiting has been once a week for two people outside for half an hour. Due to the weather this has now been moved to inside with only one visitor allowed. Very challenging when several members of the family want to see him.
		
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Is that one vistor only per week, for half an hour only? That is tough, really tough. I know some care homes have locked down completely, no visitors at all but half an hour a week is still brutal. I'm not condeming the care homes incidentally, they were badly shook up in the first wave so I understand them taking these steps.


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## Robster59 (Oct 20, 2020)

I have a friend who is a nurse in a care home in Ireland and she says that the biggest challenge is getting the visitors to obey the Covid rules.  She's had many an argument with them about it, as in many cases they just ignore them.  She herself is not well but is continuing to work, and put herself at risk, to look after the patients so you can understand her frustation.


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## oxymoron (Oct 20, 2020)

Tashyboy said:



			you know I had not even Considered him letting the insurance know. Gonna google to see if it is compulsor.
		
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A lot of insurer's ask to be informed about changes in medical conditions so its possibly an avenue to explore .
I know it seems a bit underhand but you have his welfare at heart and the safety of others .
What on earth's going on when you can be deemed medically unfit to drive but legally skirt around it , beggars belief really .


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## Robster59 (Oct 20, 2020)

oxymoron said:



			A lot of insurer's ask to be informed about changes in medical conditions so its possibly an avenue to explore .
I know it seems a bit underhand but you have his welfare at heart and the safety of others .
What on earth's going on when you can be deemed medically unfit to drive but legally skirt around it , beggars belief really .
		
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I think this is a good shout as it could be that if the insurance company aren't informed, and there is an accident, then you might find that they would declare the insurance null and void anyway.


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## clubchamp98 (Oct 20, 2020)

Robster59 said:



			I think this is a good shout as it could be that if the insurance company aren't informed, and there is an accident, then you might find that they would declare the insurance null and void anyway.
		
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They will.
They do anything to get out of paying.
Find it strange that a driving test pass is in a position to overrule his doctors opinion.
The doctors diagnosis is his mental state not his physical condition to drive a car.


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## arnieboy (Oct 20, 2020)

Lord Tyrion said:



			Is that one vistor only per week, for half an hour only? That is tough, really tough. I know some care homes have locked down completely, no visitors at all but half an hour a week is still brutal. I'm not condeming the care homes incidentally, they were badly shook up in the first wave so I understand them taking these steps.
		
Click to expand...

Unfortunately yes, the slots are very hard to come by.


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## clubchamp98 (Oct 20, 2020)

arnieboy said:



			Unfortunately yes, the slots are very hard to come by.
		
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That’s really sad to hear.
Can’t imagine what the family is going through.


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## 4LEX (Oct 20, 2020)

Lord Tyrion said:



			Is that one vistor only per week, for half an hour only? That is tough, really tough. I know some care homes have locked down completely, no visitors at all but half an hour a week is still brutal. I'm not condeming the care homes incidentally, they were badly shook up in the first wave so I understand them taking these steps.
		
Click to expand...

I'm in the same boat, one visit a week and she can't understand and thinks everyone has abandoned her. With the nice summer stuff like wheeling her out wasn't an option. Very sad.


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## Tashyboy (Oct 20, 2020)

Lord Tyrion said:



			Is that one vistor only per week, for half an hour only? That is tough, really tough. I know some care homes have locked down completely, no visitors at all but half an hour a week is still brutal. I'm not condeming the care homes incidentally, they were badly shook up in the first wave so I understand them taking these steps.
		
Click to expand...

Not wanting to combine threads or go off on topic, but Missis T said when we were in Mexico in March. “God help the care homes”.I asked what she was on about. She mentioned through her role that she said most care homes are not prepared for this. A month or so later she was not just shocked re what was happening in care homes but the lack of what support they were getting. Re dementia patients in care homes. Bless, where do you start.
Re FIL he has had a letter from DVLA today, during his initial assessment with the GP re his dementia and  Alzhiemer, she picked up he had heart fibrillation, And informed the DVLA. She had to. In his eyes she is now an even bigger illegitimate child.


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## Lord Tyrion (Oct 20, 2020)

Tashyboy said:



			Not wanting to combine threads or go off on topic, but Missis T said when we were in Mexico in March. “God help the care homes”.I asked what she was on about. She mentioned through her role that she said most care homes are not prepared for this. A month or so later she was not just shocked re what was happening in care homes but the lack of what support they were getting. Re dementia patients in care homes. Bless, where do you start.
Re FIL he has had a letter from DVLA today, during his initial assessment with the GP re his dementia and  Alzhiemer, she picked up he had heart fibrillation, And informed the DVLA. She had to. In his eyes she is now an even bigger illegitimate child.
		
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In every body else's eyes she could be saving lives. One of the many awful things about this illness is how the people who are doing their best to help end up copping flak. The nature of the beast. 

Missis T, smart lady. I suspect it was like a slow motion car crash for those like her who could see it happening.


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## clubchamp98 (Oct 20, 2020)

Tashyboy said:



			Not wanting to combine threads or go off on topic, but Missis T said when we were in Mexico in March. “God help the care homes”.I asked what she was on about. She mentioned through her role that she said most care homes are not prepared for this. A month or so later she was not just shocked re what was happening in care homes but the lack of what support they were getting. Re dementia patients in care homes. Bless, where do you start.
Re FIL he has had a letter from DVLA today, during his initial assessment with the GP re his dementia and  Alzhiemer, she picked up he had heart fibrillation, And informed the DVLA. She had to. In his eyes she is now an even bigger illegitimate child.
		
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But good at her job!!


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## Tashyboy (Oct 20, 2020)

Lord Tyrion said:



			In every body else's eyes she could be saving lives. One of the many awful things about this illness is how the people who are doing their best to help end up copping flak. The nature of the beast.

Missis T, smart lady. I suspect it was like a slow motion car crash for those like her who could see it happening.
		
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One of the advantages Of punching above in marrying Missis T. Lost count the amount of times she has given me help and advice when I worked in the medical at the pit, discussing lads problems. 
Re the care homes, in April I had an ex workmate ring me asking if I had any dust masks, safety specs, any PPE I borrowed from the pit when it shut. I borrowed loads, It was either that or put it in the skips. He was scared stiff for his lad in the care home. Emptied the garage sorting him out.
Hope to god we don’t have to make a decision re FIL going into a home.


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## Tashyboy (Oct 20, 2020)

clubchamp98 said:



			But good at her job!!
		
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Bottom line, she has been fantastic, as has all the specialists he has seen. We could not praise them enough. One would suggest there experience of dealing with Dementia patients Means they have seen most of what can and does happen. They have all the answers and answers to questions family have not thought of. Unfortunately FIL just don’t see it.


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## clubchamp98 (Oct 20, 2020)

Tashyboy said:



			Bottom line, she has been fantastic, as has all the specialists he has seen. We could not praise them enough. One would suggest there experience of dealing with Dementia patients Means they have seen most of what can and does happen. They have all the answers and answers to questions family have not thought of. Unfortunately FIL just don’t see it.
		
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Still miffed that a driving test pass can override her diagnosis.


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## Deleted member 16999 (Nov 5, 2020)

Long post, cut short.
Just under 4 years ago the m-in-law was given the devastating news that her breast cancer from 13yrs previous had returned as Metastatic breast cancer and spread to her bones.

We took the decision to move her in to our home and look after her, it was the right thing to do for us, but understandibly isn’t for everyone for various reasons.

It’s been dificult at times, we basically put our life on hold to concentrate on her, unfortunately due to spreading to her bones it is her mobility that suffered the most, but still we’ve had a lot of smiles and laughs along the way.

Jan this year she needed radiatiin on her spine when the cancer literally took her legs, but she fought that and got back to walking with crutches, sadly then the virus hit and apart from a hospital appt in june she hadn’t been out the house, added to this my wife is disabled and son autistic it’s been a bumpy road.

The three of us keeping her company basically doing 8hr shifts, you can guess who got nights

Bonus for me in the summer was that with the light nights I got to the golf course 4-6 times a week always after 4 o’clock, but realising how lucky I was to get that break.

Sadly they stopped treatment in the summer and gave her 3-6 months, still the laughs continued and mobility descreased severly, but we started to noticed a few mental issues, very forgetful at the start then other issues.

It all came to ahead last thursday when she needed a doctor, they thought she had an infection, but nothing changed, between friday and wednesday morning I had no more than a total of 10hrs kip, she would sleep for no more than an hour and wake up needing the toilet, sometimes it was no more than 5 minutes between trips to the toilet, sadly she wasn’t actually going, but believed she had, she’d eat a meal then ask when she was having dinner, she insisted she could walk and fell twice on monday, thankfully both times I was there to catch her.
Yesterday she told she had heart pains and needed an ambulance, they turned up to her saying it was ok and the pain was now in her knee.

Throughout the whole period we’ve been superbly supported by both MacMillan Nurses and local District Nurses and they in the bsckground were trying to secure a bed in the local hospice for both care for her and respite care for us.

As the paramedics were there examining her we got the call to say they had a bed for her at the hospice, such a relief, the last thing we wanted was her being taken to hospital at the moment.

10hrs at the hospice yesterday, while they got her settled, she was very confused and agitated, back with her today to accompany her to the hospital for a MRI on her spine and brain.

She was a bit brighter today and also had us laughing, she is also getting very paranoid, she told us on our return to the hospice today to be careful what you say to the Staff as they are trying to find out our names and where we live, when asked why, she said it was because they wanted to discharge a patient to our house!!

Watching the loss of mobility was hard enough, but that was gradual, to see the brain decline almost in just weeks/days is horrifying!

Throughout all this the MacMillan Nurses, District Nurses and now Hospice Staff have been incredible, the care and attention she has and is receiving is beyond words, even the staff today at the X-Ray unit were she had her MRI, unreal.

We have no idea how long she has left, the Wife is racked with guilt that we can no longer care for her man, even though she knows it’s the right decision, but I just hope us and everyone else out there remember our incredible Nurses, Doctors and support staff at all levels in the NHS and Health Care System once we best this virus, they were there before it came along and they’ll be there when we’ve beaten it.

It’ll be our turn to look after them and make them feel safe. x


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## clubchamp98 (Nov 5, 2020)

pauldj42 said:



			Long post, cut short.
Just under 4 years ago the m-in-law was given the devastating news that her breast cancer from 13yrs previous had returned as Metastatic breast cancer and spread to her bones.

We took the decision to move her in to our home and look after her, it was the right thing to do for us, but understandibly isn’t for everyone for various reasons.

It’s been dificult at times, we basically put our life on hold to concentrate on her, unfortunately due to spreading to her bones it is her mobility that suffered the most, but still we’ve had a lot of smiles and laughs along the way.

Jan this year she needed radiatiin on her spine when the cancer literally took her legs, but she fought that and got back to walking with crutches, sadly then the virus hit and apart from a hospital appt in june she hadn’t been out the house, added to this my wife is disabled and son autistic it’s been a bumpy road.

The three of us keeping her company basically doing 8hr shifts, you can guess who got nights

Bonus for me in the summer was that with the light nights I got to the golf course 4-6 times a week always after 4 o’clock, but realising how lucky I was to get that break.

Sadly they stopped treatment in the summer and gave her 3-6 months, still the laughs continued and mobility descreased severly, but we started to noticed a few mental issues, very forgetful at the start then other issues.

It all came to ahead last thursday when she needed a doctor, they thought she had an infection, but nothing changed, between friday and wednesday morning I had no more than a total of 10hrs kip, she would sleep for no more than an hour and wake up needing the toilet, sometimes it was no more than 5 minutes between trips to the toilet, sadly she wasn’t actually going, but believed she had, she’d eat a meal then ask when she was having dinner, she insisted she could walk and fell twice on monday, thankfully both times I was there to catch her.
Yesterday she told she had heart pains and needed an ambulance, they turned up to her saying it was ok and the pain was now in her knee.

Throughout the whole period we’ve been superbly supported by both MacMillan Nurses and local District Nurses and they in the bsckground were trying to secure a bed in the local hospice for both care for her and respite care for us.

As the paramedics were there examining her we got the call to say they had a bed for her at the hospice, such a relief, the last thing we wanted was her being taken to hospital at the moment.

10hrs at the hospice yesterday, while they got her settled, she was very confused and agitated, back with her today to accompany her to the hospital for a MRI on her spine and brain.

She was a bit brighter today and also had us laughing, she is also getting very paranoid, she told us on our return to the hospice today to be careful what you say to the Staff as they are trying to find out our names and where we live, when asked why, she said it was because they wanted to discharge a patient to our house!!

Watching the loss of mobility was hard enough, but that was gradual, to see the brain decline almost in just weeks/days is horrifying!

Throughout all this the MacMillan Nurses, District Nurses and now Hospice Staff have been incredible, the care and attention she has and is receiving is beyond words, even the staff today at the X-Ray unit were she had her MRI, unreal.

We have no idea how long she has left, the Wife is racked with guilt that we can no longer care for her man, even though she knows it’s the right decision, but I just hope us and everyone else out there remember our incredible Nurses, Doctors and support staff at all levels in the NHS and Health Care System once we best this virus, they were there before it came along and they’ll be there when we’ve beaten it.

It’ll be our turn to look after them and make them feel safe. x
		
Click to expand...

Sounds like you and your family have done a good job .
But there does come a point when for your and the mil professional help is needed.
It’s a very hard thing to do to hand over care of your mum to someone else.
I felt like I had failed ,but now I look back ,I did the best I could do but there comes a time when that’s not enough.
All the best.


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## Deleted member 16999 (Nov 5, 2020)

clubchamp98 said:



			Sounds like you and your family have done a good job .
But there does come a point when for your and the mil professional help is needed.
It’s a very hard thing to do to hand over care of your mum to someone else.
I felt like I had failed ,but now I look back ,I did the best I could do but there comes a time when that’s not enough.
All the best.
		
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Cheers, I  do understand what you’re saying, it has been a bit easier for me to accept than the wife as it’s her mam.


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## Tashyboy (Nov 5, 2020)

pauldj42 said:



			Long post, cut short.
Just under 4 years ago the m-in-law was given the devastating news that her breast cancer from 13yrs previous had returned as Metastatic breast cancer and spread to her bones.

We took the decision to move her in to our home and look after her, it was the right thing to do for us, but understandibly isn’t for everyone for various reasons.

It’s been dificult at times, we basically put our life on hold to concentrate on her, unfortunately due to spreading to her bones it is her mobility that suffered the most, but still we’ve had a lot of smiles and laughs along the way.

Jan this year she needed radiatiin on her spine when the cancer literally took her legs, but she fought that and got back to walking with crutches, sadly then the virus hit and apart from a hospital appt in june she hadn’t been out the house, added to this my wife is disabled and son autistic it’s been a bumpy road.

The three of us keeping her company basically doing 8hr shifts, you can guess who got nights

Bonus for me in the summer was that with the light nights I got to the golf course 4-6 times a week always after 4 o’clock, but realising how lucky I was to get that break.

Sadly they stopped treatment in the summer and gave her 3-6 months, still the laughs continued and mobility descreased severly, but we started to noticed a few mental issues, very forgetful at the start then other issues.

It all came to ahead last thursday when she needed a doctor, they thought she had an infection, but nothing changed, between friday and wednesday morning I had no more than a total of 10hrs kip, she would sleep for no more than an hour and wake up needing the toilet, sometimes it was no more than 5 minutes between trips to the toilet, sadly she wasn’t actually going, but believed she had, she’d eat a meal then ask when she was having dinner, she insisted she could walk and fell twice on monday, thankfully both times I was there to catch her.
Yesterday she told she had heart pains and needed an ambulance, they turned up to her saying it was ok and the pain was now in her knee.

Throughout the whole period we’ve been superbly supported by both MacMillan Nurses and local District Nurses and they in the bsckground were trying to secure a bed in the local hospice for both care for her and respite care for us.

As the paramedics were there examining her we got the call to say they had a bed for her at the hospice, such a relief, the last thing we wanted was her being taken to hospital at the moment.

10hrs at the hospice yesterday, while they got her settled, she was very confused and agitated, back with her today to accompany her to the hospital for a MRI on her spine and brain.

She was a bit brighter today and also had us laughing, she is also getting very paranoid, she told us on our return to the hospice today to be careful what you say to the Staff as they are trying to find out our names and where we live, when asked why, she said it was because they wanted to discharge a patient to our house!!

Watching the loss of mobility was hard enough, but that was gradual, to see the brain decline almost in just weeks/days is horrifying!

Throughout all this the MacMillan Nurses, District Nurses and now Hospice Staff have been incredible, the care and attention she has and is receiving is beyond words, even the staff today at the X-Ray unit were she had her MRI, unreal.

We have no idea how long she has left, the Wife is racked with guilt that we can no longer care for her man, even though she knows it’s the right decision, but I just hope us and everyone else out there remember our incredible Nurses, Doctors and support staff at all levels in the NHS and Health Care System once we best this virus, they were there before it came along and they’ll be there when we’ve beaten it.

It’ll be our turn to look after them and make them feel safe. x
		
Click to expand...

An uplifting and yet emotional story Paul. Always said folk have to talk, Am sure Missis P will look back on these days and say we did more than what we could and will also look back on the fun times. Thanks for sharing and look after yourselves. Tash.


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## Deleted member 16999 (Nov 5, 2020)

Tashyboy said:



			An uplifting and yet emotional story Paul. Always said folk have to talk, Am sure Missis P will look back on these days and say we did more than what we could and will also look back on the fun times. Thanks for sharing and look after yourselves. Tash.
		
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Cheers my man, look after yourselves.


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## Hobbit (Nov 5, 2020)

pauldj42 said:



			Long post, cut short.
Just under 4 years ago the m-in-law was given the devastating news that her breast cancer from 13yrs previous had returned as Metastatic breast cancer and spread to her bones.

We took the decision to move her in to our home and look after her, it was the right thing to do for us, but understandibly isn’t for everyone for various reasons.

It’s been dificult at times, we basically put our life on hold to concentrate on her, unfortunately due to spreading to her bones it is her mobility that suffered the most, but still we’ve had a lot of smiles and laughs along the way.

Jan this year she needed radiatiin on her spine when the cancer literally took her legs, but she fought that and got back to walking with crutches, sadly then the virus hit and apart from a hospital appt in june she hadn’t been out the house, added to this my wife is disabled and son autistic it’s been a bumpy road.

The three of us keeping her company basically doing 8hr shifts, you can guess who got nights

Bonus for me in the summer was that with the light nights I got to the golf course 4-6 times a week always after 4 o’clock, but realising how lucky I was to get that break.

Sadly they stopped treatment in the summer and gave her 3-6 months, still the laughs continued and mobility descreased severly, but we started to noticed a few mental issues, very forgetful at the start then other issues.

It all came to ahead last thursday when she needed a doctor, they thought she had an infection, but nothing changed, between friday and wednesday morning I had no more than a total of 10hrs kip, she would sleep for no more than an hour and wake up needing the toilet, sometimes it was no more than 5 minutes between trips to the toilet, sadly she wasn’t actually going, but believed she had, she’d eat a meal then ask when she was having dinner, she insisted she could walk and fell twice on monday, thankfully both times I was there to catch her.
Yesterday she told she had heart pains and needed an ambulance, they turned up to her saying it was ok and the pain was now in her knee.

Throughout the whole period we’ve been superbly supported by both MacMillan Nurses and local District Nurses and they in the bsckground were trying to secure a bed in the local hospice for both care for her and respite care for us.

As the paramedics were there examining her we got the call to say they had a bed for her at the hospice, such a relief, the last thing we wanted was her being taken to hospital at the moment.

10hrs at the hospice yesterday, while they got her settled, she was very confused and agitated, back with her today to accompany her to the hospital for a MRI on her spine and brain.

She was a bit brighter today and also had us laughing, she is also getting very paranoid, she told us on our return to the hospice today to be careful what you say to the Staff as they are trying to find out our names and where we live, when asked why, she said it was because they wanted to discharge a patient to our house!!

Watching the loss of mobility was hard enough, but that was gradual, to see the brain decline almost in just weeks/days is horrifying!

Throughout all this the MacMillan Nurses, District Nurses and now Hospice Staff have been incredible, the care and attention she has and is receiving is beyond words, even the staff today at the X-Ray unit were she had her MRI, unreal.

We have no idea how long she has left, the Wife is racked with guilt that we can no longer care for her man, even though she knows it’s the right decision, but I just hope us and everyone else out there remember our incredible Nurses, Doctors and support staff at all levels in the NHS and Health Care System once we best this virus, they were there before it came along and they’ll be there when we’ve beaten it.

It’ll be our turn to look after them and make them feel safe. x
		
Click to expand...

And an excellent shout out to the staff. Those that work at the sharp end will have seen staff crying in the brew room, of doing extra hours at a bedside and grabbing a mouthful of sandwich long after lunchtime, and going straight back out onto the unit.

As I said last night Paul, you've put in a cracking shift but its now time for fulltime, professional care. I don't doubt for one minute you and Donna will be up to see her as often as you can, and that in itself is still doing your bit.

Well played buddy.


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## Deleted member 16999 (Nov 5, 2020)

Hobbit said:



			And an excellent shout out to the staff. Those that work at the sharp end will have seen staff crying in the brew room, of doing extra hours at a bedside and grabbing a mouthful of sandwich long after lunchtime, and going straight back out onto the unit.

As I said last night Paul, you've put in a cracking shift but its now time for fulltime, professional care. I don't doubt for one minute you and Donna will be up to see her as often as you can, and that in itself is still doing your bit.

Well played buddy.
		
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Cheers Bri and a big thanks for all the help and support you’ve given me despite the horrid time you’re having yourselves.


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## Robster59 (Nov 5, 2020)

By the sound of it you've done everything you can, and possibly even more.  You obviously have a close relationship with your Mother in Law and that, of course, will make it harder for you to see such a change.  She's been very fortunate that she's had such excellent support from your family and not been left on her own to cope.  And of course from the support of all those who provide the support behind the scenes.  The nurses, the NHS, the charities.
You can take solace from the fact that at all steps you've done what is best for her.  She may not realise that at times in her current mental state. 
To be honest, I'm not sure what's worse.  Watching someone lose their faculties quickly or slowly.  Either way it's hard.


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## Deleted member 16999 (Nov 5, 2020)

Robster59 said:



			By the sound of it you've done everything you can, and possibly even more.  You obviously have a close relationship with your Mother in Law and that, of course, will make it harder for you to see such a change.  She's been very fortunate that she's had such excellent support from your family and not been left on her own to cope.  And of course from the support of all those who provide the support behind the scenes.  The nurses, the NHS, the charities.
You can take solace from the fact that at all steps you've done what is best for her.  She may not realise that at times in her current mental state.
To be honest, I'm not sure what's worse.  Watching someone lose their faculties quickly or slowly.  Either way it's hard.
		
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Cheers mate, I understand what your saying about someone losing their facilities, it was almost expected as we worried that with it being wide spread bone cancer it would effect her skull/brain, but even with trying to pre-empt it the speed was still shocking, maybe with her being late 70’s it was over a longer period, but early signs we put down to age.
Thanks again for the kind words.


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## oxymoron (Nov 6, 2020)

pauldj42 said:



			Long post, cut short.
Just under 4 years ago the m-in-law was given the devastating news that her breast cancer from 13yrs previous had returned as Metastatic breast cancer and spread to her bones.

We took the decision to move her in to our home and look after her, it was the right thing to do for us, but understandibly isn’t for everyone for various reasons.

It’s been dificult at times, we basically put our life on hold to concentrate on her, unfortunately due to spreading to her bones it is her mobility that suffered the most, but still we’ve had a lot of smiles and laughs along the way.

Jan this year she needed radiatiin on her spine when the cancer literally took her legs, but she fought that and got back to walking with crutches, sadly then the virus hit and apart from a hospital appt in june she hadn’t been out the house, added to this my wife is disabled and son autistic it’s been a bumpy road.

The three of us keeping her company basically doing 8hr shifts, you can guess who got nights

Bonus for me in the summer was that with the light nights I got to the golf course 4-6 times a week always after 4 o’clock, but realising how lucky I was to get that break.

Sadly they stopped treatment in the summer and gave her 3-6 months, still the laughs continued and mobility descreased severly, but we started to noticed a few mental issues, very forgetful at the start then other issues.

It all came to ahead last thursday when she needed a doctor, they thought she had an infection, but nothing changed, between friday and wednesday morning I had no more than a total of 10hrs kip, she would sleep for no more than an hour and wake up needing the toilet, sometimes it was no more than 5 minutes between trips to the toilet, sadly she wasn’t actually going, but believed she had, she’d eat a meal then ask when she was having dinner, she insisted she could walk and fell twice on monday, thankfully both times I was there to catch her.
Yesterday she told she had heart pains and needed an ambulance, they turned up to her saying it was ok and the pain was now in her knee.

Throughout the whole period we’ve been superbly supported by both MacMillan Nurses and local District Nurses and they in the bsckground were trying to secure a bed in the local hospice for both care for her and respite care for us.

As the paramedics were there examining her we got the call to say they had a bed for her at the hospice, such a relief, the last thing we wanted was her being taken to hospital at the moment.

10hrs at the hospice yesterday, while they got her settled, she was very confused and agitated, back with her today to accompany her to the hospital for a MRI on her spine and brain.

She was a bit brighter today and also had us laughing, she is also getting very paranoid, she told us on our return to the hospice today to be careful what you say to the Staff as they are trying to find out our names and where we live, when asked why, she said it was because they wanted to discharge a patient to our house!!

Watching the loss of mobility was hard enough, but that was gradual, to see the brain decline almost in just weeks/days is horrifying!

Throughout all this the MacMillan Nurses, District Nurses and now Hospice Staff have been incredible, the care and attention she has and is receiving is beyond words, even the staff today at the X-Ray unit were she had her MRI, unreal.

We have no idea how long she has left, the Wife is racked with guilt that we can no longer care for her man, even though she knows it’s the right decision, but I just hope us and everyone else out there remember our incredible Nurses, Doctors and support staff at all levels in the NHS and Health Care System once we best this virus, they were there before it came along and they’ll be there when we’ve beaten it.

It’ll be our turn to look after them and make them feel safe. x
		
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Only my opinion but it looks to me you did above and beyond what could be described as reasonable care , i would go so far as to say you a a family were outstanding so please , please do not feel any guilt .
You did the best thing all the way along as far as i see it and you should be proud of all you have and continue to do for the lady .
It does not seem like it at the moment but the laughs and smiles will stay with you longer than the bad bits.
All the best going forward .


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## Deleted member 16999 (Nov 6, 2020)

oxymoron said:



			Only my opinion but it looks to me you did above and beyond what could be described as reasonable care , i would go so far as to say you a a family were outstanding so please , please do not feel any guilt .
You did the best thing all the way along as far as i see it and you should be proud of all you have and continue to do for the lady .
It does not seem like it at the moment but the laughs and smiles will stay with you longer than the bad bits.
All the best going forward .
		
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Thank you.


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## oxymoron (Nov 6, 2020)

pauldj42 said:



			Thank you.

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 No i think we should all be thanking you , people like you and your family are the invisible heroes in dementia care you save the county bucket loads of both money and care resources and that goes largely unnoticed and ,
in my eyes , unrewarded.
We do not care for our loved ones for any financial gain but because we love them and want the best for them and are sometimes left to our own devices and this is a scandal of epic proportions (my view entirely) .
Support is out there but it can and often is difficult to access and this needs to change .


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## Tashyboy (Nov 6, 2020)

oxymoron said:



			No i think we should all be thanking you , people like you and your family are the invisible heroes in dementia care you save the county bucket loads of both money and care resources and that goes largely unnoticed and ,
in my eyes , unrewarded.
We do not care for our loved ones for any financial gain but because we love them and want the best for them and are sometimes left to our own devices and this is a scandal of epic proportions (my view entirely) .
Support is out there but it can and often is difficult to access and this needs to change .
		
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Amen to that Oxy.


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## clubchamp98 (Nov 6, 2020)

oxymoron said:



			No i think we should all be thanking you , people like you and your family are the invisible heroes in dementia care you save the county bucket loads of both money and care resources and that goes largely unnoticed and ,
in my eyes , unrewarded.
We do not care for our loved ones for any financial gain but because we love them and want the best for them and are sometimes left to our own devices and this is a scandal of epic proportions (my view entirely) .
Support is out there but it can and often is difficult to access and this needs to change .
		
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There is help there but you have to ask for it.
When my mum was bad the biggest problem was my DAD.
He wouldn’t let anyone in the house to help and wanted to do it all himself.
It was a nightmare.
But we couldn’t overrule him


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## Lord Tyrion (Nov 6, 2020)

clubchamp98 said:



			There is help there but you have to ask for it.
When my mum was bad the biggest problem was my DAD.
He wouldn’t let anyone in the house to help and wanted to do it all himself.
It was a nightmare.
But we couldn’t overrule him
		
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That's life for my wife right now. Her dad is the biggest obstacle to helping her mum with alzheimer's. It's incredibly frustrating.

The help that is there has to be dug out, it is not offered freely, in our experience. The system up here at least, is not joined up or good in any way.


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## clubchamp98 (Nov 6, 2020)

Lord Tyrion said:



			That's life for my wife right now. Her dad is the biggest obstacle to helping her mum with alzheimer's. It's incredibly frustrating.

The help that is there has to be dug out, it is not offered freely, in our experience. The system up here at least, is not joined up or good in any way.
		
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I got a social worker to come to their house. 
To be honest she was brilliant ,she bent over backwards to help .
Before she arrived I said to him.” Just say yes to everything she offers to help mum”
You can say you don’t want it later but if you say no you won’t get it at a later date
As soon as she opened her mouth it was “no no no, what does she need that for”
He was a night mare, and social worker said “ he is next of kin so we must take his word”
This needs looking at as older people are making poor decisions ,but they must take his word.


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## Deleted member 16999 (Nov 6, 2020)

Lord Tyrion said:



			That's life for my wife right now. Her dad is the biggest obstacle to helping her mum with alzheimer's. It's incredibly frustrating.

The help that is there has to be dug out, it is not offered freely, in our experience. The system up here at least, is not joined up or good in any way.
		
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Sadly, imo, this is down to how the different illness’s are recognised, with the m-in-law having a cancer  diagnosis and the MacMillan nurses being involved from minute one we have been inundated with support and offers of help, so much so, we have turned down some support that has been offered.

”Our” experience with the mental health illness’s has come at a late stage and in a strange, awkward way, we could possibly count ourselves lucky.


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## Tashyboy (Nov 13, 2020)

Just an update.
FIL got a letter a couple of day ago from the DVLA, He is to return his licence. It’s gone down like a fart in a space suit. MIL is gutted coz they now cannot get to ASDA. Even though family can take them. She wishes they had never gone to the drs. Even though he is getting worse. Apparently his interpretation of he smashed the driving test was not what the examiner thought. The DVLA have looked at his condition and test results, the medication he is on and said it’s a no no. It’s for the best.


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## Robster59 (Nov 13, 2020)

You did the right thing. Nobody likes to lose their licence. And the fact they know they never get it back makes it worse as that's a personal freedom of mobility they lost. They're safer now as are other road users. When we got the licence took off the father in law, see did it the medical referral way. He didn't like it at the time but he was a danger on the road.


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## oxymoron (Nov 13, 2020)

Tashyboy said:



			Just an update.
FIL got a letter a couple of day ago from the DVLA, He is to return his licence. It’s gone down like a fart in a space suit. MIL is gutted coz they now cannot get to ASDA. Even though family can take them. She wishes they had never gone to the drs. Even though he is getting worse. Apparently his interpretation of he smashed the driving test was not what the examiner thought. The DVLA have looked at his condition and test results, the medication he is on and said it’s a no no. It’s for the best.
		
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As Robster says you did the right thing however unpalatable it is , you have kept him and other road users safer. 
Do you think they think they are imposing on you when you do things like take them shopping and such ? That was what i got 
parents thought they were a burden but as i said , they looked after me when i was unable to do things for myself i was just 
repaying them for all they did for me in the past , looking back those shopping trips gave us some good laughs and memories 
so there is an upside really .


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## Tashyboy (Nov 13, 2020)

oxymoron said:



			As Robster says you did the right thing however unpalatable it is , you have kept him and other road users safer.
Do you think they think they are imposing on you when you do things like take them shopping and such ? That was what i got
parents thought they were a burden but as i said , they looked after me when i was unable to do things for myself i was just
repaying them for all they did for me in the past , looking back those shopping trips gave us some good laughs and memories
so there is an upside really .
		
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Me and Missis T have been on a bit of a walk this morning, primarily it’s six weeks since she broke her ankle so a bit of exercise and mental stimulation without grandkids.
Anyway we called into see in laws on our amble. Had a social distance half hour in the sunshine. The car or driving was not mentioned once. However other things were. Whilst there Missis T received a txt from her cousin. FILs sister or Missis Ts auntie is in hospital on end of life care. She has Covid. He couldn’t remember who she was, after being prompted a couple of times, he said “ well Ave not spoke to her for 3 years”. It’s more like 20 years. We had a good laugh about certain things which helped MIL. She looks like she has the worlds problems on her shoulders. 
Missis T stated what I had said a few months ago, FIL is just not able to keep up with conversation. 
I think what is frustrating for Missis T is since his diagnosis it’s like nothing has changed, not bothered about contacting support groups. Not bothered about going for walks, etc etc .
spoke to bro in law yesterday, he mentioned Missis Ts sister was getting a bit tearful yesterday realising what is happening to her father. Initially she and her brother were all for appealing against the driving ban. BIL said “ would you let one of our kids get in the car with him”. Bottom line no. Thankfully it looks like his car driving is now finished


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## Robster59 (Nov 13, 2020)

Tashyboy said:



			Me and Missis T have been on a bit of a walk this morning, primarily it’s six weeks since she broke her ankle so a bit of exercise and mental stimulation without grandkids.
Anyway we called into see in laws on our amble. Had a social distance half hour in the sunshine. The car or driving was not mentioned once. However other things were. Whilst there Missis T received a txt from her cousin. FILs sister or Missis Ts auntie is in hospital on end of life care. She has Covid. He couldn’t remember who she was, after being prompted a couple of times, he said “ well Ave not spoke to her for 3 years”. It’s more like 20 years. We had a good laugh about certain things which helped MIL. She looks like she has the worlds problems on her shoulders.
Missis T stated what I had said a few months ago, FIL is just not able to keep up with conversation.
I think what is frustrating for Missis T is since his diagnosis it’s like nothing has changed, not bothered about contacting support groups. Not bothered about going for walks, etc etc .
spoke to bro in law yesterday, he mentioned Missis Ts sister was getting a bit tearful yesterday realising what is happening to her father. Initially she and her brother were all for appealing against the driving ban. BIL said “ would you let one of our kids get in the car with him”. Bottom line no. Thankfully it looks like his car driving is now finished
		
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It is hard when they can't keep up with things.  Before he got really bad I used to go for coffee every Saturday morning with FIL and one of his old friends who already had dementia and you got used to him asking the same question every 2 minutes which shocked my FIL a bit.  His friend would think he drove to a place only for his missus to tell him he hadn't as she did all the driving.  Now the FIL is like that.  You get used to having the same conversation several times a day.  It's not their fault, they just don't remember.  
Your BIL asked exactly the right question.  We wouldn't get into the car with the FIL because it was just, frankly, too frightening.  A real accident waiting to happen.


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## arnieboy (Nov 26, 2020)

A sad day today, with my mother in law passing away in March and my father in law with dementia in a care home due to my wife and I admitting defeat in caring for him at home, we completed the sale of their house, somewhere that we have shared so many happy memories for over thirty years. A sad day.


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## Hobbit (Nov 26, 2020)

arnieboy said:



			A sad day today, with my mother in law passing away in March and my father in law with dementia in a care home due to my wife and I admitting defeat in caring for him at home, we completed the sale of their house, somewhere that we have shared so many happy memories for over thirty years. A sad day.
		
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I know your pain. Clearing the house was especially painful. Most stuff went to the charity shops/organisations, after the family had picked over it. Sadly, we still managed to fill a small skip of stuff that people didn't want - but each night even that was picked over by 'dippers.'

I recommend a decent brandy tonight.


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## clubchamp98 (Nov 26, 2020)

arnieboy said:



			A sad day today, with my mother in law passing away in March and my father in law with dementia in a care home due to my wife and I admitting defeat in caring for him at home, we completed the sale of their house, somewhere that we have shared so many happy memories for over thirty years. A sad day.
		
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Yes ! I shed a tear when I sold my dads house ( my childhood home)


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## Deleted member 16999 (Nov 26, 2020)

arnieboy said:



			A sad day today, with my mother in law passing away in March and my father in law with dementia in a care home due to my wife and I admitting defeat in caring for him at home, we completed the sale of their house, somewhere that we have shared so many happy memories for over thirty years. A sad day.
		
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Cling to the happy memories you’ve made and the new ones yet to come. Good luck.


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## Tashyboy (Nov 26, 2020)

arnieboy said:



			A sad day today, with my mother in law passing away in March and my father in law with dementia in a care home due to my wife and I admitting defeat in caring for him at home, we completed the sale of their house, somewhere that we have shared so many happy memories for over thirty years. A sad day.
		
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I think you are more than beating yourself up by saying you have “admitted defeat”. At the moment I am at base camp on the mountain that is dementia. And it is already tough. Sometimes we ask ourselves could we have done more when we already know the answer. I think you know the answer.
There’s an old saying “ leave this life full of memories not dreams”. Spend a few days remembering the memories with a glass of Hobbits tipple.


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## HomerJSimpson (Nov 26, 2020)

clubchamp98 said:



			Yes ! I shed a tear when I sold my dads house ( my childhood home)
		
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Me too once my mum passed. So much harder than I thought it would be


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## oxymoron (Nov 27, 2020)

arnieboy said:



			A sad day today, with my mother in law passing away in March and my father in law with dementia in a care home due to my wife and I admitting defeat in caring for him at home, we completed the sale of their house, somewhere that we have shared so many happy memories for over thirty years. A sad day.
		
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You have not been defeated at all , you are doing what is best for the gentleman and indeed for you and your wife , the stress of caring must have been huge and its only when
you move them to a home do you realize just how much you are under.
We are still sorting my dads house out due to some issues with his will so i know how you feel there , its upsetting every time we have to go in so much so my brother cannot go in 
without shedding a tear .
My best wishes for you and your wife in this hard time , i hope for better times ahead for you both.


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## Robster59 (Nov 27, 2020)

To feel guilt is natural but it's an indication of how much you did and how much you care. As everyone has said, remember the good things, what you did together and how happy they made you. The person they are now isn't the person you knew and who brought you up. Even clearing the house can be cathartic if you remember all the happy memories they bring. 
I know when my mum passes, over 90% of her house contents will just go to charity or the skip but they're important to her at the moment for the memories.


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## arnieboy (Nov 27, 2020)

Thank you for your comments, much appreciated.


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## Robster59 (Jan 11, 2021)

Well, today my Father in Law celebrated his 88th Birthday, although it's becoming less of a thing to him.  Not getting out and not getting interaction is hard on everyone but for someone who's faculties are going it has a bigger impact.  His grandson came around to see him which cheered him up but he couldn't come int the house because of the type of job he has. Everything now has to be explained to him, even down to the process of washing his hands so I've notices around the bathroom to remind him how to do it.
For my partner and I, every day seems like Groundhog Day.  Same routine, we can't go anywhere except to the shops or for a walk and you get caught in doing a routine of the same things at the same time as people with dementia need routine.  Change it and it confuses them totally.  You learn to talk to him to explain it, and to do it again, and again, (always gently), till he understands.  
It would be better if we could get out, even individually, to get to see friends.  I at least have my golf (when the course is open) but she doesn't play and can't get to see her friends which I know she needs. 
No holiday (I know we're not alone there) and can't even get away for an evening as we can't put him into respite.  Stepson can't do it because (as above) the role he has which puts him at higher risk.
We can't put him into care at the moment until you are absolutely certain that the location they are going to is safe and that's not a chance we're willing to take. 
Sorry if this seems a bit of a miserable post.  I am sure things will get better but the good thing is, we still haven't killed each other (although my Stepson asked me tonight how I'd managed not to! ) but it definitely puts a strain on the relationship. 
OK, moan over.


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## Tashyboy (Jan 11, 2021)

Robster59 said:



			Well, today my Father in Law celebrated his 88th Birthday, although it's becoming less of a thing to him.  Not getting out and not getting interaction is hard on everyone but for someone who's faculties are going it has a bigger impact.  His grandson came around to see him which cheered him up but he couldn't come int the house because of the type of job he has. Everything now has to be explained to him, even down to the process of washing his hands so I've notices around the bathroom to remind him how to do it.
For my partner and I, every day seems like Groundhog Day.  Same routine, we can't go anywhere except to the shops or for a walk and you get caught in doing a routine of the same things at the same time as people with dementia need routine.  Change it and it confuses them totally.  You learn to talk to him to explain it, and to do it again, and again, (always gently), till he understands. 
It would be better if we could get out, even individually, to get to see friends.  I at least have my golf (when the course is open) but she doesn't play and can't get to see her friends which I know she needs.
No holiday (I know we're not alone there) and can't even get away for an evening as we can't put him into respite.  Stepson can't do it because (as above) the role he has which puts him at higher risk.
We can't put him into care at the moment until you are absolutely certain that the location they are going to is safe and that's not a chance we're willing to take.
Sorry if this seems a bit of a miserable post.  I am sure things will get better but the good thing is, we still haven't killed each other (although my Stepson asked me tonight how I'd managed not to! ) but it definitely puts a strain on the relationship.
OK, moan over. 

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Your not on your own and even if it is just on a forum, talking helps.

Missis T had a phone call from her mum yesterday. “ your dad wants to talk to you” she handed the phone over to FIL and I heard him say “ mum went quick didn’t she”. Missis T asked what he meant. “ me mum, you know, your nanna, she died quickly” Missis T went into another room and explained his mother died 30 years ago. I whispered to Missis T is he confused with his sister who died last November. She mentioned that and he didn’t know/ couldn’t remember she had died. As you say Missis T spoke to him softly again. She went through what had happened to both sister and Mother, both of whom he had nothing to do with. By the end of it they were both laughing. But it’s another painful step. MIL has found a lump which is not a cyst so tentative discussions have been had re who would have to move in with FIL for a bit if MIL has to go into hospital.
The road is far from smooth. Bottom line, it’s good to talk.


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## williamalex1 (Jan 11, 2021)

Robster59 said:



			Well, today my Father in Law celebrated his 88th Birthday, although it's becoming less of a thing to him.  Not getting out and not getting interaction is hard on everyone but for someone who's faculties are going it has a bigger impact.  His grandson came around to see him which cheered him up but he couldn't come int the house because of the type of job he has. Everything now has to be explained to him, even down to the process of washing his hands so I've notices around the bathroom to remind him how to do it.
For my partner and I, every day seems like Groundhog Day.  Same routine, we can't go anywhere except to the shops or for a walk and you get caught in doing a routine of the same things at the same time as people with dementia need routine.  Change it and it confuses them totally.  You learn to talk to him to explain it, and to do it again, and again, (always gently), till he understands. 
It would be better if we could get out, even individually, to get to see friends.  I at least have my golf (when the course is open) but she doesn't play and can't get to see her friends which I know she needs.
No holiday (I know we're not alone there) and can't even get away for an evening as we can't put him into respite.  Stepson can't do it because (as above) the role he has which puts him at higher risk.
We can't put him into care at the moment until you are absolutely certain that the location they are going to is safe and that's not a chance we're willing to take.
Sorry if this seems a bit of a miserable post.  I am sure things will get better but the good thing is, we still haven't killed each other (although my Stepson asked me tonight how I'd managed not to! ) but it definitely puts a strain on the relationship.
OK, moan over. 

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It's defo not a moan mate , it's a heart felt release of feelings.  Hats off to yous for handling this situation as best you can. 
I'm in an almost similar situation, I feel your pain, you can only do so much, take care guys xx


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## Deleted member 16999 (Jan 12, 2021)

Robster59 said:



			Well, today my Father in Law celebrated his 88th Birthday, although it's becoming less of a thing to him.  Not getting out and not getting interaction is hard on everyone but for someone who's faculties are going it has a bigger impact.  His grandson came around to see him which cheered him up but he couldn't come int the house because of the type of job he has. Everything now has to be explained to him, even down to the process of washing his hands so I've notices around the bathroom to remind him how to do it.
For my partner and I, every day seems like Groundhog Day.  Same routine, we can't go anywhere except to the shops or for a walk and you get caught in doing a routine of the same things at the same time as people with dementia need routine.  Change it and it confuses them totally.  You learn to talk to him to explain it, and to do it again, and again, (always gently), till he understands. 
It would be better if we could get out, even individually, to get to see friends.  I at least have my golf (when the course is open) but she doesn't play and can't get to see her friends which I know she needs.
No holiday (I know we're not alone there) and can't even get away for an evening as we can't put him into respite.  Stepson can't do it because (as above) the role he has which puts him at higher risk.
We can't put him into care at the moment until you are absolutely certain that the location they are going to is safe and that's not a chance we're willing to take.
Sorry if this seems a bit of a miserable post.  I am sure things will get better but the good thing is, we still haven't killed each other (although my Stepson asked me tonight how I'd managed not to! ) but it definitely puts a strain on the relationship.
OK, moan over. 

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You’re doing brilliant, you may not believe it or need it saying, but with just coming out the other side of caring for someone for years I’m looking back and wondering how I/we did it.

My wife is having a bit of a nightmare, second guessing everything she did, ie, was I as patient, could I of done this differently etc etc.

Result of it all, Absolutely we did our best, we did all we could, we were not trained, we did it as it was the right thing to do for us at the time and I can guarantee not everybody could or even would do what we and now you are doing.

Look at your Father-in-law, is he safe? Warm? Fed? if the answers are yes, have a little inward smile and be proud of what you are all doing for someone you love, you can only do your best.


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## oxymoron (Jan 12, 2021)

Robster59 said:



			Well, today my Father in Law celebrated his 88th Birthday, although it's becoming less of a thing to him.  Not getting out and not getting interaction is hard on everyone but for someone who's faculties are going it has a bigger impact.  His grandson came around to see him which cheered him up but he couldn't come int the house because of the type of job he has. Everything now has to be explained to him, even down to the process of washing his hands so I've notices around the bathroom to remind him how to do it.
For my partner and I, every day seems like Groundhog Day.  Same routine, we can't go anywhere except to the shops or for a walk and you get caught in doing a routine of the same things at the same time as people with dementia need routine.  Change it and it confuses them totally.  You learn to talk to him to explain it, and to do it again, and again, (always gently), till he understands. 
It would be better if we could get out, even individually, to get to see friends.  I at least have my golf (when the course is open) but she doesn't play and can't get to see her friends which I know she needs.
No holiday (I know we're not alone there) and can't even get away for an evening as we can't put him into respite.  Stepson can't do it because (as above) the role he has which puts him at higher risk.
We can't put him into care at the moment until you are absolutely certain that the location they are going to is safe and that's not a chance we're willing to take.
Sorry if this seems a bit of a miserable post.  I am sure things will get better but the good thing is, we still haven't killed each other (although my Stepson asked me tonight how I'd managed not to! ) but it definitely puts a strain on the relationship.
OK, moan over. 

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You are doing an absolute cracker of a job make no mistake about that .It is admirable that his grandson and your stepson (apologies if they are one and the same )support you , you are entitled to moan ,shout ,scream ,in fact anything that will release tension .
Unfortunately this post is typical of what home carer's are going through everyday, it breaks my heart .
I really do wish you well ,you are , as stated in an earlier post an unsung hero of the care system and you deserve more .

Keep your chin up i am sure better days will come .


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## Robster59 (Jan 12, 2021)

Thanks everyone.  I've been thinking about posting for a while but try not to do too much as you don't want to be seen as a perpetual whinger .
It is difficult to talk and I do find that the occassional writing it down on this forum is quite cathartic.  Sometimes just to be able to write it down helps in making you feel a little better.


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## oxymoron (Jan 12, 2021)

Robster59 said:



			Thanks everyone.  I've been thinking about posting for a while but try not to do too much as you don't want to be seen as a perpetual whinger .
It is difficult to talk and I do find that the occassional writing it down on this forum is quite cathartic.  Sometimes just to be able to write it down helps in making you feel a little better.
		
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For your mental health , carry on,just get the crap out of your system it will benefit you and your family, bottling it up is the start of a very dark ,slippery slope and god forbid anyone goes down there . Please keep it up you are probably helping others on here who are keeping stuff in, you just keep going , as someone said somewhere else ,i would rather  listen to you talk than listen to some one give an eulogy about you (something like that , not good recalling quotes )


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## Tashyboy (Jan 12, 2021)

oxymoron said:



			For your mental health , carry on,just get the crap out of your system it will benefit you and your family, bottling it up is the start of a very dark ,slippery slope and god forbid anyone goes down there . Please keep it up you are probably helping others on here who are keeping stuff in, you just keep going , as someone said somewhere else ,i would rather  listen to you talk than listen to some one give an eulogy about you (something like that , not good recalling quotes )
		
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This all day long. 👍 Just to add MIL rang today, she it at the end of her tether with the FIL. Everyone is illegitimate and has it in for him inc her. He is going downhill fast and there kids inc Missis T is having a zoom call tonight.
Dont know that it is any conciliation but you are deffo not on your own.


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## Robster59 (Jan 15, 2021)

Tashyboy said:



			This all day long. 👍 Just to add MIL rang today, she it at the end of her tether with the FIL. Everyone is illegitimate and has it in for him inc her. He is going downhill fast and there kids inc Missis T is having a zoom call tonight.
Dont know that it is any conciliation but you are deffo not on your own.
		
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I hope you are able to sort things out.  It must be so hard for your MiL.  It's difficult with two of us but with one person having to handle this, it must be so difficult.


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## Tashyboy (Jan 15, 2021)

Robster59 said:



			I hope you are able to sort things out.  It must be so hard for your MiL.  It's difficult with two of us but with one person having to handle this, it must be so difficult.
		
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Missis T rang her mother the day after, all is sweetness and light now, well for the time being. It really is a roller coaster of emotion. They both have to go to hospital on the same day 30mins difference in appointment times. It’s like trying to plan a military operation.


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## Lord Tyrion (Jan 24, 2021)

Ah, the frustration of family mixed with dementia. My wife has just come off the phone with her dad in tears. MiL has the dementia, he is the bigger problem. It took an age to persuade him to get carers in to help her wash, be dressed properly in clean clothes. Now he wants to cancel them. 'They do nothing, I can do it'. Except he can't and doesn't. 

My wife is fighting a constant battle against him and whilst it is draining in normal times add in lockdown and the psychological impact of that and it's even tougher on her. It's a combination of stupidity and meanness on his part and it is hugely frustrating. 

The MiL is actually very docile and amenable now. She has gone past agitated and tetchy and is like a sweet toddler. A pale shadow of herself though. It's a beggar of an illness, as everyone on this thread knows.


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## Tashyboy (Jan 24, 2021)

Just read your post LT and unfortunately there’s so much I am relating to. Missis T has a phone call tomorrow to see what help and assistance her FIL may get. At the same time FIL is having an assessment by a psychiatrist to see how he is. Then both of them have an appointment at hospital, him for his ticker and MiL re unsavoury lumps. A litre of Bells a week and 18 cans is not helping but he is not gonna stop that now.
Its like walking down a rd and seeing X  number of bridges to cross and doors to walk through.


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## Robster59 (Jan 25, 2021)

Sorry to hear the issues you guys are going through.  I'm not sure if it's harder living with someone with dementia or being away from them and being frustrated at that.

The Father in Law had a fall last night.  He lives in a grandad flat at the back and got up to do something (we're not sure what).  Didn't use his Zimmer, not even sure he used his walking stick.  All I know is I was woken up by him banging at his door.  He's banged his head, cut his knee, has a 2" square flap of skin hanging from his shin where he's grazed it, blood oozing down his leg, and although he has a home alert button he never pressed it.  Instead he tried to do it himself.  I pressed the buzzer and we got two carers around within 20 minutes.  They were able to do an emergency dressing, but now we are waiting for the district nurse to come around.  They did consider an ambulance but with everything happening with Covid at the moment, they have higher priorities and also we want to keep him away from the hospital with the chances of infection.
The missus is at the end of her tether.  I have a 9am meeting today.  She is off but I'm working and on a meeting at 9am.  My heads all over the place and the stress levels are high.  I'm really worried about effect it's having on the mental health of my other half.


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## Tashyboy (Jan 25, 2021)

If there has been a positive, the support staff that Missis T has spoken to have been brilliant. Today and next Monday are big days in a sense of MIL getting future help.


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## arnieboy (Feb 3, 2021)

Unfortunately my father in law passed away earlier today. He had been in a care home since April and we managed to visit him a few times although we never actually saw his room. He was admitted to hospital last week suffering from infections that became sepsis and he developed Covid from there. Especially tough for my wife as she has now lost both parents within ten months of each other. They were so devoted to each other that one positive aspect is that they are together again. 
We are so grateful to the staff at both the care home and the hospital who have been absolutely brilliant and caring.


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## Deleted member 16999 (Feb 3, 2021)

arnieboy said:



			Unfortunately my father in law passed away earlier today. He had been in a care home since April and we managed to visit him a few times although we never actually saw his room. He was admitted to hospital last week suffering from infections that became sepsis and he developed Covid from there. Especially tough for my wife as she has now lost both parents within ten months of each other. They were so devoted to each other that one positive aspect is that they are together again.
We are so grateful to the staff at both the care home and the hospital who have been absolutely brilliant and caring.
		
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Sorry to read this, condolences to you both.


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## Lord Tyrion (Feb 3, 2021)

arnieboy said:



			Unfortunately my father in law passed away earlier today. He had been in a care home since April and we managed to visit him a few times although we never actually saw his room. He was admitted to hospital last week suffering from infections that became sepsis and he developed Covid from there. Especially tough for my wife as she has now lost both parents within ten months of each other. They were so devoted to each other that one positive aspect is that they are together again.
We are so grateful to the staff at both the care home and the hospital who have been absolutely brilliant and caring.
		
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Tough times. Very hard for your wife, and for you as well. I hope she is able to hold onto pre-dementia memories of her dad.


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## Tashyboy (Feb 3, 2021)

arnieboy said:



			Unfortunately my father in law passed away earlier today. He had been in a care home since April and we managed to visit him a few times although we never actually saw his room. He was admitted to hospital last week suffering from infections that became sepsis and he developed Covid from there. Especially tough for my wife as she has now lost both parents within ten months of each other. They were so devoted to each other that one positive aspect is that they are together again.
We are so grateful to the staff at both the care home and the hospital who have been absolutely brilliant and caring.
		
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Gutted for you me man and Missis AB, the last year must of been horrendous. What more could you of done, Nothing. Struggling to find words of comfort. Next few months I would imagine will be difficult as well. Thoughts and Love Mr and Missis Tash.


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## oxymoron (Feb 3, 2021)

arnieboy said:



			Unfortunately my father in law passed away earlier today. He had been in a care home since April and we managed to visit him a few times although we never actually saw his room. He was admitted to hospital last week suffering from infections that became sepsis and he developed Covid from there. Especially tough for my wife as she has now lost both parents within ten months of each other. They were so devoted to each other that one positive aspect is that they are together again.
We are so grateful to the staff at both the care home and the hospital who have been absolutely brilliant and caring.
		
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My condolences at this horrible , horrible time .I hope you and your family can get some comfort remembering the gentleman as he was before this vile disease caught hold of him .


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## Robster59 (Feb 3, 2021)

arnieboy said:



			Unfortunately my father in law passed away earlier today. He had been in a care home since April and we managed to visit him a few times although we never actually saw his room. He was admitted to hospital last week suffering from infections that became sepsis and he developed Covid from there. Especially tough for my wife as she has now lost both parents within ten months of each other. They were so devoted to each other that one positive aspect is that they are together again.
We are so grateful to the staff at both the care home and the hospital who have been absolutely brilliant and caring.
		
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My condolences.  Losing someone is always sad and to lose two so close together is very difficult, especially in these trying times.


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## Tashyboy (Feb 8, 2021)

Missis T has set many wheels in motion re FIL through different organisations who can help with support. This has been ongoing since August. It stepped up a level when FIL had hold of MIL a couple of weeks ago. missis T had a letter arrive today re an appointment with both parents by a shrink last week. It was  mentioned during the meeting about FIL having hold of MIL. MIL said “ it’s ok don’t worry about it, it’s his illness and am OK”. I could scream, at the time she was scared and Ave lost count the amount of times she has rung saying ” I cannot go on like this”. The letter explains that no support will be offered at the moment as all is ok. Part of the problem is MIL wanting a quite life thinking alls going to get better.  Quote, “She just wants the old FIL back”.
Last week he went to the COOP for 4 beers and came back with lemonade for his whisky.
He called Missis T on Saturday to let her know “ They have got back ok from a weekend away”. They have been no where. He also said he has not seen his mother for a bit. She died in 2001. missis T dropped off his Birthday pressies for weds. On our way back from the shop. He asked where his mum is again. MIL is a major problem in trying to get him help.


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## Robster59 (Feb 8, 2021)

From what I can pick up, this seems to be a major obstacle in lots of these cases.  The partner of the one with dementia doesn't want to accept help, or even accept the situation won't change.  I can see you're absolutely trying your best and hopefully you can get your MIL to accept that she needs help as much as he does.  It's not a failing on her part but her trying to handle this on her own will not be good for her, your Father in Law or all those affected by it.  I wish you all the best in trying to get things in place.


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## Lord Tyrion (Feb 8, 2021)

The above with knobs on. In fact, in bold, underlined, starred and other things.

Tashy, I'd like to tell you things get better but we are 5 years in and my FiL, the healthy one, is getting more obstructive each day 🤬🤬. At least when golf starts up again we can get our frustrations out on the golf course. At the moment.................... 

Good luck, do your best to keep calm and soak up the frustrations of Mrs Tash. My job at the moment is to be a psychological punch bag for my wife. It's a joy 🙄


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## clubchamp98 (Feb 9, 2021)

When my mum had dementia my dad was the biggest problem .
He thought he could look after her himself.
Long story short he couldn’t.
But he was the only one who couldn’t see it.
It’s obviously a common theme and there is no easy answer?
His word was always accepted by any help I tried to get for mum.
This caused no end of serious arguments between me and him.
This was incredibly stressful and I still think the social workers should have more power to override his decisions.
If it’s in mums best interest not his!
But the law was on his side.
It didn’t end well, and I blamed him for a lot of it.
Couple of years later he got it himself .
Not a great few years of my life but I tried my best and that’s all you can do.
Still saddens me how it all panned out, it didn’t have to be like that but the spouse is the biggest problem with older people accepting help.


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## oxymoron (Feb 9, 2021)

clubchamp98 said:



			When my mum had dementia my dad was the biggest problem .
He thought he could look after her himself.
Long story short he couldn’t.
But he was the only one who couldn’t see it.
It’s obviously a common theme and there is no easy answer?
His word was always accepted by any help I tried to get for mum.
This caused no end of serious arguments between me and him.
This was incredibly stressful and I still think the social workers should have more power to override his decisions.
If it’s in mums best interest not his!
But the law was on his side.
It didn’t end well, and I blamed him for a lot of it.
Couple of years later he got it himself .
Not a great few years of my life but I tried my best and that’s all you can do.
Still saddens me how it all panned out, it didn’t have to be like that but the spouse is the biggest problem with older people accepting help.
		
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It seems like you are fighting 2 battles in these situations there is no winner .
Social workers see this everyday and ,the ones i had contact with , were very careful if they do try to override someone they are an easy target
for families if anything goes wrong, and as you say the law is not on their side so they are in an impossible situation ,dammed if they do and dammed if they dont.
And as you say it is normally the spouse who is the problem , the old "for better , for worse , in sickness and in health" is ok but dementia
is not taken in to consideration when these vows are made and the older generation are far more stubborn when it comes to getting and accepting help .


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## clubchamp98 (Feb 9, 2021)

oxymoron said:



			It seems like you are fighting 2 battles in these situations there is no winner .
Social workers see this everyday and ,the ones i had contact with , were very careful if they do try to override someone they are an easy target
for families if anything goes wrong, and as you say the law is not on their side so they are in an impossible situation ,dammed if they do and dammed if they dont.
And as you say it is normally the spouse who is the problem , the old "for better , for worse , in sickness and in health" is ok but dementia
is not taken in to consideration when these vows are made and the older generation are far more stubborn when it comes to getting and accepting help .
		
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Social workers were fantastic. I would like to get that on the record!!
Got one to the house to help, as soon as she opened her mouth!
My dad was “No no no” “ why do I need that”
It was all about him not my mum .
I could have killed him myself that day.
My stress levels were sky high.
What I don’t understand is ,if that was a child the law is totally different in the child’s best interest.
Why does a spouse have control over the best interests of another human being.?
This is a big problem going forward and the laws of the land need to reflect what’s happening.


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## Tashyboy (Feb 9, 2021)

clubchamp98 said:



			Social workers were fantastic. I would like to get that on the record!!
Got one to the house to help, as soon as she opened her mouth!
My dad was “No no no” “ why do I need that”
It was all about him not my mum .
I could have killed him myself that day.
My stress levels were sky high.
What I don’t understand is* ,if that was a child the law is totally different in the child’s best interest.*
Why does a spouse have control over the best interests of another human being.?
This is a big problem going forward and the laws of the land need to reflect what’s happening.
		
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You know there’s things on this forum that i read and think, that one is being kept in the back pocket. Surely it is all about whats best for the dementia sufferer not the spouse 🤔. MIL cannot see that the help he can get will also help her.


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## Lord Tyrion (Feb 9, 2021)

We have power of attorney on financial matters but not health matters. Big mistake of ours not to have both.


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## Robster59 (Feb 9, 2021)

Lord Tyrion said:



			We have power of attorney on financial matters but not health matters. Big mistake of ours not to have both.
		
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My partner has power of attorney over her Father in Law.  The important thing is to organise this while they still have some faculties.


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## Deleted member 16999 (Feb 9, 2021)

We struggled with the father-in-laws frontal lobe dementia, partly because the mother-in-law refused to acknowledge it as an illness and believed the f-in-law was play acting, despite the medical diagnosis.

But it was a totally different struggle when the m-in-law suffered mental health problems due to the cancer spreading.

I’ve no words of comfort for those facing the issues apart from wishing you all the best and that’s all you can do, try your best and do what you can for them, it’s a hideous road you are treading along.


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## Lord Tyrion (Feb 9, 2021)

Robster59 said:



			My partner has power of attorney over her Father in Law.  The important thing is to organise this while they still have some faculties.
		
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Does she have health as well as financial? We have discovered how important it is to have both.

Totally agree on your point.


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## Tashyboy (Feb 9, 2021)

Last four posts, where do I start. Probably agreeing with everything that has been said ain’t a bad place. missis T and her sister both have joint POA on health and wealth. Either of which can make a decision if either is out of the country.
The problem with MIL she has breast cancer, not sure how bad it is but her heads a shed. She is not the very good at dealing with situations and problems at the best of times. 
Thanks for the heads up boys, good to talk 😘


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## Robster59 (Feb 9, 2021)

Lord Tyrion said:



			Does she have health as well as financial? We have discovered how important it is to have both.

Totally agree on your point.
		
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Yes, she does as this was arranged with the doctor, but thanks for checking.  Basically her Mum died about 20 years ago, so there's only her and her son on that side of the family.


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## Tashyboy (Mar 2, 2021)

It’s going to be an interesting week. Yesterday Missis T moved in to be with her parents for a week. MIL goes into hospital tomorrow for a mastectomy. FIL cannot be left on his own. So Missis T is looking after him for a few days then looking after MIL for a few days more. She has isolated for a week and had a Covid test before she moved in. It’s odd but she is caring for them for a week then lord knows how many times she will be going over the coming months. FIL gets attendance allowance for people to go in and help care for him. But he don’t get careers allowance. The upshot is Missis T who is caring for him don’t get the Covid jab.
That aside FIL is getting worse which is no great surprise. It’s not just having to repeat yourself constantly but he has got to the stage where he does not recognise his wife at times. He is getting up regularly during the night to go to the allotment. MIL said FIL scares her sometimes when he loses his rag. But when she was questioned by social services re does she feel threatened she said “alls ok“. It is scary to think that he only begrudgingly went to the drs 6 months ago and was still driving.
MIL has said that she will not have radiotherapy if it is required Coz her sister was sick when she had it Years ago. You could give her a bloody good shake but this post is not about me having a rant.
Missis T has a lot on her plate at the moment so it’s just a case of trying to be there for her.
Me, last night my first night in bed on me own for as long as I can remember, slept like a log. 👍


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## Robster59 (Mar 2, 2021)

Tashyboy said:



			It’s going to be an interesting week. Yesterday Missis T moved in to be with her parents for a week. MIL goes into hospital tomorrow for a mastectomy. FIL cannot be left on his own. So Missis T is looking after him for a few days then looking after MIL for a few days more. She has isolated for a week and had a Covid test before she moved in. It’s odd but she is caring for them for a week then lord knows how many times she will be going over the coming months. FIL gets attendance allowance for people to go in and help care for him. But he don’t get careers allowance. The upshot is Missis T who is caring for him don’t get the Covid jab.
That aside FIL is getting worse which is no great surprise. It’s not just having to repeat yourself constantly but he has got to the stage where he does not recognise his wife at times. He is getting up regularly during the night to go to the allotment. MIL said FIL scares her sometimes when he loses his rag. But when she was questioned by social services re does she feel threatened she said “alls ok“. It is scary to think that he only begrudgingly went to the drs 6 months ago and was still driving.
MIL has said that she will not have radiotherapy if it is required Coz her sister was sick when she had it Years ago. You could give her a bloody good shake but this post is not about me having a rant.
Missis T has a lot on her plate at the moment so it’s just a case of trying to be there for her.
Me, last night my first night in bed on me own for as long as I can remember, slept like a log. 👍
		
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You and your missus are in a very difficult situation.  Is she registered as a carer herself?  If not then that might be something worth exploring.  My other half is registered as a carer for the FIL but I'm not which means I've not got the jab yet either. 
For your MIL, I think it's a mixture of denial and not willing to admit she can't cope, and the feeling she is letting her FIL down if she makes a big thing about his temper outbursts.  
You'll have found that his condition varies every day and that it's amazing how they can put a different character on when someone else comes into the room.  They'll try to make people believe they're OK and not let them see how bad they are.  Trained nurses can spot it a mile off anyway.  
Keep the posts coming.  I find it quite cathartic when I do it and it's good to have somewhere were you can put your thoughts and share them with other people in the same situation.


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## Deleted member 16999 (Mar 2, 2021)

Tashyboy said:



			It’s going to be an interesting week. Yesterday Missis T moved in to be with her parents for a week. MIL goes into hospital tomorrow for a mastectomy. FIL cannot be left on his own. So Missis T is looking after him for a few days then looking after MIL for a few days more. She has isolated for a week and had a Covid test before she moved in. It’s odd but she is caring for them for a week then lord knows how many times she will be going over the coming months. FIL gets attendance allowance for people to go in and help care for him. But he don’t get careers allowance. The upshot is Missis T who is caring for him don’t get the Covid jab.
That aside FIL is getting worse which is no great surprise. It’s not just having to repeat yourself constantly but he has got to the stage where he does not recognise his wife at times. He is getting up regularly during the night to go to the allotment. MIL said FIL scares her sometimes when he loses his rag. But when she was questioned by social services re does she feel threatened she said “alls ok“. It is scary to think that he only begrudgingly went to the drs 6 months ago and was still driving.
MIL has said that she will not have radiotherapy if it is required Coz her sister was sick when she had it Years ago. You could give her a bloody good shake but this post is not about me having a rant.
Missis T has a lot on her plate at the moment so it’s just a case of trying to be there for her.
Me, last night my first night in bed on me own for as long as I can remember, slept like a log. 👍
		
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Get your missus to apply for carers allowance for her mam.👍🏻


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## Tashyboy (Mar 2, 2021)

Robster59 said:



			You and your missus are in a very difficult situation.  Is she registered as a carer herself?  If not then that might be something worth exploring.  My other half is registered as a carer for the FIL but I'm not which means I've not got the jab yet either.
For your MIL, I think it's a mixture of denial and not willing to admit she can't cope, and the feeling she is letting her FIL down if she makes a big thing about his temper outbursts. 
You'll have found that his condition varies every day and that it's amazing how they can put a different character on when someone else comes into the room.  They'll try to make people believe they're OK and not let them see how bad they are.  Trained nurses can spot it a mile off anyway. 
Keep the posts coming.  I find it quite cathartic when I do it and it's good to have somewhere were you can put your thoughts and share them with other people in the same situation.
		
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Am not sure how to word it, but it’s “ educating“ reading others thoughts and experiences no matter how sad they are. That hits the nail on the head where you mention “ different characters” when I think about it, he does change character. It’s that obvious but I never noticed it. He lost his rag with a neighbour the other day when he accused her of putting rubbish in his wheels bin. Her bin was half empty and she asked why would she do that. He said “ well he hasn’t put it in his bin”. MIL a few days later explained to neighbour his condition. 
Re Missis T applying to be registered as a carer, I don’t think it would happen. Edit, am not sure if she has already tried and it got kicked in the head . On the day that MIL was interviewed re careers allowance she said “ she don’t want to discuss it “ as earlier that morning she found out she had cancer. I will have to have a natter with her to find out. Me and Missis T were keeping an eye on my mum and Dad. And only stood at the end of the backyard when saying Heyup to her parents. Missis Ts Sister was in the in-laws bubble. That changed when MILs situation changed. 
Thanks for the posts guys.
Stay safe.


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## Deleted member 16999 (Mar 2, 2021)

Tashyboy said:



			Am not sure how to word it, but it’s “ educating“ reading others thoughts and experiences no matter how sad they are. That hits the nail on the head where you mention “ different characters” when I think about it, he does change character. It’s that obvious but I never noticed it. He lost his rag with a neighbour the other day when he accused her of putting rubbish in his wheels bin. Her bin was half empty and she asked why would she do that. He said “ well he hasn’t put it in his bin”. MIL a few days later explained to neighbour his condition.
Re Missis T applying to be registered as a carer, I don’t think it would happen. Edit, am not sure if she has already tried and it got kicked in the head . On the day that MIL was interviewed re careers allowance she said “ she don’t want to discuss it “ as earlier that morning she found out she had cancer. I will have to have a natter with her to find out. Me and Missis T were keeping an eye on my mum and Dad. And only stood at the end of the backyard when saying Heyup to her parents. Missis Ts Sister was in the in-laws bubble. That changed when MILs situation changed.
Thanks for the posts guys.
Stay safe.
		
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Mate, Anyone can be registered as a “carer” via their local Council, applying for Carers Allowance is one form, which can be downloaded from the internet.

To give you an example, I am registered as I receive carers allowance for my wife. My wife is a registered carer for our son, who is also disabled, and she does not receive carers allowance.

For Durham Council it is Durham County Carers Support, once we were registered with them, they sent us a form to be completed and sent to our GP to be registered on our notes and their system as a carer.

Worth trying mate, nothing to lose.


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## Tashyboy (Mar 2, 2021)

pauldj42 said:



			Mate, Anyone can be registered as a “carer” via their local Council, applying for Carers Allowance is one form, which can be downloaded from the internet.

To give you an example, I am registered as I receive carers allowance for my wife. My wife is a registered carer for our son, who is also disabled, and she does not receive carers allowance.

For Durham Council it is Durham County Carers Support, once we were registered with them, they sent us a form to be completed and sent to our GP to be registered on our notes and their system as a carer.

Worth trying mate, nothing to lose.
		
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I will speak to Missis T when she gets home. I think one of the reasons why she would not go for it is, her sister is in the in-laws bubble. However she works full time from home. Just been promoted re tax inspector. So although she fetches and carries. She won’t care for them like Missis T is doing. But Missis T won’t want to stand on her sisters toes. I also think that Missis T is happy with the situation that she goes when she can/ likes. If she gets an allowance she would feel more inclined to have to go. For me it’s “ you say scones I say scons”. It’s the same thing but not to a lady of Missis Ts way of thinking. Oddly enough she/ me were the ones that pushed FIL to go for the attendance allowance on the basis of if you don’t ask, you don’t get.
Like I mention it’s difficult for Missis T and Ave not even mentioned the merry go round of the grandkids. She will miss them this week, Ave got them tonight so they will get some Tash love. Grandson,He will be happy as soon as he gets his Army turtle helmet on. Granddaughter, she will be happy with chocolate and apple juice.


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## williamalex1 (Mar 2, 2021)

pauldj42 said:



			Mate, Anyone can be registered as a “carer” via their local Council, applying for Carers Allowance is one form, which can be downloaded from the internet.

To give you an example, I am registered as I receive carers allowance for my wife. My wife is a registered carer for our son, who is also disabled, and she does not receive carers allowance.

For Durham Council it is Durham County Carers Support, once we were registered with them, they sent us a form to be completed and sent to our GP to be registered on our notes and their system as a carer.

Worth trying mate, nothing to lose.
		
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My daughter is halfway through a 6 weeks a carers course  online with a local college. When finished there's a good chance of a part time job in the local care home her mother is in.


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## banjofred (Mar 2, 2021)

My wife has been dealing with her folks. Mother was put in a nursing home last March. Father *should* be in one now. My wife has been dealing with all of this and trying to keep me out of it, although I keep offering. She doesn't like her parents so it's making things difficult. The father is turning cantankerous and really needs to be looked after....drops his pills all over, house is filthy, won't clean anything, sleeps in his clothes, hasn't changed the bed since last summer, won't flush the toilet (it costs money!!! I'm not a millionaire you know!). We have Money and Health legal on her mother, but only Money on her father...don't think he would let her have the health part. Simply, my wife is kind of hoping that her father would fall (yet again) and get hurt enough to have no choice but to be put in a Home. She tried to get help for cleaning etc, did it for a while but it was worthless since her father kept telling them to go away. My wife isn't going to go over more than once or twice a week (father is about 1/2 mile away) because she can't stand him. Anyone dealing with these situations has my admiration....it's a tough one.


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## oxymoron (Mar 2, 2021)

williamalex1 said:



			My daughter is halfway through a 6 weeks a carers course  online with a local college. When finished there's a good chance of a part time job in the local care home her mother is in.
		
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All the best to your daughter she is a far stronger person than i , it takes a special person to have a career in social care .


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## Robster59 (Mar 2, 2021)

banjofred said:



			My wife has been dealing with her folks. Mother was put in a nursing home last March. Father *should* be in one now. My wife has been dealing with all of this and trying to keep me out of it, although I keep offering. She doesn't like her parents so it's making things difficult. The father is turning cantankerous and really needs to be looked after....drops his pills all over, house is filthy, won't clean anything, sleeps in his clothes, hasn't changed the bed since last summer, won't flush the toilet (it costs money!!! I'm not a millionaire you know!). We have Money and Health legal on her mother, but only Money on her father...don't think he would let her have the health part. Simply, my wife is kind of hoping that her father would fall (yet again) and get hurt enough to have no choice but to be put in a Home. She tried to get help for cleaning etc, did it for a while but it was worthless since her father kept telling them to go away. My wife isn't going to go over more than once or twice a week (father is about 1/2 mile away) because she can't stand him. Anyone dealing with these situations has my admiration....it's a tough one.
		
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I get where you're coming from.  My missus and her Father have never had a good relationship but nevertheless she put a granny flat on the back of her house when her Mum (who she did get on with) passed away.  So we've been living with him for 20 years.  I try to act as a buffer between the two so she doesn't go totally doolally.


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## williamalex1 (Mar 2, 2021)

oxymoron said:



			All the best to your daughter she is a far stronger person than i , it takes a special person to have a career in social care .
		
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She'd been looking after her mother for about 2 years, it's only recently she was taken into a care home, suffering advanced dementia and unable to walk unaided.
The social works department eventually arranged everything. Also helped and advised my daughter to take the  carers course. 
The care home said they would probably have a part time job available, when the course is complete.
So fingers crossed.


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## Tashyboy (Mar 2, 2021)

williamalex1 said:



			She'd been looking after her mother for about 2 years, it's only recently she was taken into a care home, suffering advanced dementia and unable to walk unaided.
The social works department eventually arranged everything. Also helped and advised my daughter to take the  carers course.
The care home said they would probably have a part time job available, when the course is complete.
So fingers crossed.
		
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missis T before she went onto Urology outreach had a job working in the bank nurse dept at the local hospital trust. She helped train and hire and fire nurses and care assistants. 
Some of the best carers came from the nursing homes. Had a good work ethic and she employed them as carers and up she put a fair few forward on to become nurses. Lost count the amount of times we have been stopped by folk who have had a natter with her. People she had put forward for nursing. good Luck to her 👍


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## williamalex1 (Mar 2, 2021)

Tashyboy said:



			missis T before she went onto Urology outreach had a job working in the bank nurse dept at the local hospital trust. She helped train and hire and fire nurses and care assistants.
Some of the best carers came from the nursing homes. Had a good work ethic and she employed them as carers and up she put a fair few forward on to become nurses. Lost count the amount of times we have been stopped by folk who have had a natter with her. People she had put forward for nursing. good Luck to her 👍
		
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I'm just delighted she's trying a different type of job. She's only ever worked in the licence trade, first as a waitress then ran her own pub in Tenerife for the last 10 years. But had to give it up just before the first lockdown to look after her mum.


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## Robster59 (Mar 2, 2021)

williamalex1 said:



			I'm just delighted she's trying a different type of job. She's only ever worked in the licence trade, first as a waitress then ran her own pub in Tenerife for the last 10 years. But had to give it up just before the first lockdown to look after her mum.
		
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My stepson started working as a carer in a home for teenage boys from broken homes.  That's challenging as you can imagine.  But I think it's something he is well suited to.  It's damned hard work though.


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## williamalex1 (Mar 2, 2021)

Robster59 said:



			My stepson started working as a carer in a home for teenage boys from broken homes.  That's challenging as you can imagine.  But I think it's something he is well suited to.  It's damned hard work though.
		
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Ask Virtuocity { Dave } he was involved with social works for a while.


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## Tashyboy (Mar 3, 2021)

Had a quick natter with Missis T this morning as she drive back from taking MIL to hospital. Unfortunately it has not been the best 2 days she has had. Yesterday FIL had a 2 hour rant, called Missis T everything from a Bitch to being illegitimate. As I thought she is seeing a side that MIL has not told us about. MIL has said she don’t know how much longer she can put up with this, and Missis T should not be subjected to that. As Missis T says “ this time should be focused on caring for MIL with what she has to go through “. Ave told Missis T we made the right decision to stop him from driving, I think a decision needs to be made re whether he goes into a specialist dementia home.


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## Lord Tyrion (Mar 3, 2021)

Tashyboy said:



			Had a quick natter with Missis T this morning as she drive back from taking MIL to hospital. Unfortunately it has not been the best 2 days she has had. Yesterday FIL had a 2 hour rant, called Missis T everything from a Bitch to being illegitimate. As I thought she is seeing a side that MIL has not told us about. MIL has said she don’t know how much longer she can put up with this, and Missis T should not be subjected to that. As Missis T says “ this time should be focused on caring for MIL with what she has to go through “. Ave told Missis T we made the right decision to stop him from driving, I think a decision needs to be made re whether he goes into a specialist dementia home.
		
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Tashy, one of the things that you need to remind your wife, and this is tough, is that this is no longer her father as she knew him. What he is saying now is not his deepest, darkest thoughts, they are the ramblings of another person. Some people with dementia go angry, some swear constantly, some just go quiet, my MIL is currently giggling like a 3 yr old most of the time. It isn't them but blimey it is hard to detach yourself and remind yourself that this is not them speaking. The body is there but the mind is not.

We have been around 2 specialist dementia homes, there really is a difference in both the build of them, design, and carers involved, and were hugely impressed by them. They get it and they are geared up to deal with the illness as best as anyone can. My in laws have not made that step yet but they should.

My wife is on a dementia forum and she says there is a common theme regarding putting parents, in laws etc into homes. Massive guilt, delays, delays, more guilt, they do it, massive relief, more relief. The carers regain their life, family regain their lives, the person living with dementia often picks up a little but even if not they deal with it because the homes know how to cope with them. Start looking around some specialist homes in your area, it will be the right move.


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## Tashyboy (Mar 3, 2021)

Lord Tyrion said:



			Tashy, one of the things that you need to remind your wife, and this is tough, is that this is no longer her father as she knew him. What he is saying now is not his deepest, darkest thoughts, they are the ramblings of another person. Some people with dementia go angry, some swear constantly, some just go quiet, my MIL is currently giggling like a 3 yr old most of the time. It isn't them but blimey it is hard to detach yourself and remind yourself that this is not them speaking. The body is there but the mind is not.

We have been around 2 specialist dementia homes, there really is a difference in both the build of them, design, and carers involved, and were hugely impressed by them. They get it and they are geared up to deal with the illness as best as anyone can. My in laws have not made that step yet but they should.

My wife is on a dementia forum and she says there is a common theme regarding putting parents, in laws etc into homes. Massive guilt, delays, delays, more guilt, they do it, massive relief, more relief. The carers regain their life, family regain their lives, the person living with dementia often picks up a little but even if not they deal with it because the homes know how to cope with them. Start looking around some specialist homes in your area, it will be the right move.
		
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Cheers LT,
I liken looking after someone with Dementia, as walking down a street passing many doors and wondering or trying to guess which one you will walk through. I say that as I was looking at care homes a Couple of weeks ago. Trying to anticipate walking  through that door. I mentioned it to Missis T and she thought it was to early. I have always had a sneaking feeling that things with her father were at a worse stage than he and certainly MIL made out. missis T has Confirmed that.
Ave said it before and I will always say it, Missis Ts training as a nurse has massively helped to defuse situations. The person she saw last night reminded her of when she was a child, when he used to ” trip out” and scream and shout and bully them. Missis T seems to think the dementia has highlighted his personality. She totally understands his dementia Is nothing personal. But my fear is that although she is a tough cookie she may carry a few scars once this is done and dusted.
Ave said it before and I will say it again, this forum has been fantastic for advice and Tash is now googling Dementia forums.
All the best Tash.


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## Lord Tyrion (Mar 3, 2021)

Tashyboy said:



			Cheers LT,
I liken looking after someone with Dementia, as walking down a street passing many doors and wondering or trying to guess which one you will walk through. I say that as I was looking at care homes a Couple of weeks ago. Trying to anticipate walking  through that door. I mentioned it to Missis T and she thought it was to early. I have always had a sneaking feeling that things with her father were at a worse stage than he and certainly MIL made out. missis T has Confirmed that.
Ave said it before and I will always say it, Missis Ts training as a nurse has massively helped to defuse situations. The person she saw last night reminded her of when she was a child, when he used to ” trip out” and scream and shout and bully them. Missis T seems to think the dementia has highlighted his personality. She totally understands his dementia Is nothing personal. But my fear is that although she is a tough cookie she may carry a few scars once this is done and dusted.
Ave said it before and I will say it again, this forum has been fantastic for advice and Tash is now googling Dementia forums.
All the best Tash.
		
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One of the saddest things in all of this is that my wife struggles to remember what her mum was like pre dementia and her dad has been such a pig through this that her thoughts of him are permanently scarred. I think her mum going into a home early on would have protected her from at least some of this. It is a shame when good memories get tainted.


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## Bdill93 (Mar 3, 2021)

Tashyboy said:



			Cheers LT,
I liken looking after someone with Dementia, as walking down a street passing many doors and wondering or trying to guess which one you will walk through. I say that as I was looking at care homes a Couple of weeks ago. Trying to anticipate walking  through that door. I mentioned it to Missis T and she thought it was to early. I have always had a sneaking feeling that things with her father were at a worse stage than he and certainly MIL made out. missis T has Confirmed that.
Ave said it before and I will always say it, Missis Ts training as a nurse has massively helped to defuse situations. The person she saw last night reminded her of when she was a child, when he used to ” trip out” and scream and shout and bully them. Missis T seems to think the dementia has highlighted his personality. She totally understands his dementia Is nothing personal. But my fear is that although she is a tough cookie she may carry a few scars once this is done and dusted.
Ave said it before and I will say it again, this forum has been fantastic for advice and Tash is now googling Dementia forums.
All the best Tash.
		
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Sorry to hear all of this Tash, its a sad way to slowly lose a loved one thrugh Dementia. Thoughts are with you and your wife, sounds like a tough time at the moment!

For *years* my family struggled through supporting my gran before my mum took the bold decision to move her into a specialist home. As LT says above, it gave my mum and her sister their lives back, peace of mind and my gran lived out her final days happily in her home - they still say now they wish they didnt waste years fighting moving her to a home. 

All the best to you and Mrs T!


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## Tashyboy (Mar 3, 2021)

Lord Tyrion said:



			One of the saddest things in all of this is that my wife struggles to remember what her mum was like pre dementia and her dad has been such a pig through this that her thoughts of him are permanently scarred. I think her mum going into a home early on would have protected her from at least some of this. It is a shame when good memories get tainted.
		
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One thing I did mention to Missis T was. Her and her brother and sister went round one Sunday morning last August and brought this to a head and told there dad he had to see a dr. This had been going on for a couple of years that I know of. He was diagnosed with dementia and alzhiemers within a month. But the tough decision was made to stop him from driving, eventually. It was totally the right decision. I have told Missis T this morning that I think the right decision is to look for a specialist dementia nursing home. There are some excellent dementia homes in and around Mansfield. I have told her that the decision re stopping driving meant that there were no accidents. No one was hurt. The way things are going on at his house, if nothing is done re finding a nursing home, then the MIL could get hurt. If that happens that will seriously upset Missis T.


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## Tashyboy (Mar 3, 2021)

Bdill93 said:



			Sorry to hear all of this Tash, its a sad way to slowly lose a loved one thrugh Dementia. Thoughts are with you and your wife, sounds like a tough time at the moment!

For *years* my family struggled through supporting my gran before my mum took the bold decision to move her into a specialist home. As LT says above, it gave my mum and her sister their lives back, peace of mind and my gran lived out her final days happily in her home - they still say now they wish they didnt waste years fighting moving her to a home.

All the best to you and Mrs T!
		
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Cheers mah man 🥰


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## Deleted member 16999 (Mar 3, 2021)

Tashyboy said:



			One thing I did mention to Missis T was. Her and her brother and sister went round one Sunday morning last August and brought this to a head and told there dad he had to see a dr. This had been going on for a couple of years that I know of. He was diagnosed with dementia and alzhiemers within a month. But the tough decision was made to stop him from driving, eventually. It was totally the right decision. I have told Missis T this morning that I think the right decision is to look for a specialist dementia nursing home. There are some excellent dementia homes in and around Mansfield. I have told her that the decision re stopping driving meant that there were no accidents. No one was hurt. The way things are going on at his house, if nothing is done re finding a nursing home, *then the MIL could get hurt.* If that happens that will seriously upset Missis T.
		
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This actually helped us make the first step getting the FIL in to a home a few years back, we had the same worry for the MIL and social services were excellent in speeding up the process, initially he was admitted on a 2 week trial basis for respite, but that proved to be enough for it to be made permanent.

I have to be honest though, you need the MIL to “buy” in to it or she could be left with massive guilt.

Good luck mate.


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## Tashyboy (Mar 3, 2021)

pauldj42 said:



			This actually helped us make the first step getting the FIL in to a home a few years back, we had the same worry for the MIL and social services were excellent in speeding up the process, initially he was admitted on a 2 week trial basis for respite, but that proved to be enough for it to be made permanent.

*I have to be honest though, you need the MIL to “buy” in to it or she could be left with massive guilt.*

Good luck mate.
		
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This to a tee, MIL has said “ she don’t know how much longer she can cope”. Not just with her husband but as I type she is having a mastectomy. She has that to deal with. As much as she cannot cope, she has always been an ostrich with her head in the sand when it comes to making decisions.


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## Tashyboy (Mar 9, 2021)

So Missis T came back yesterday. I was chuffed to bits seeing her home. But she looked knackered. Suffice to say once we had chucked the grandsproggs in bed we did nowt but talk about how her week went. We never slept a great deal with our heads spinning. Some of the stories we were crying with laughter. Others not so. MIL is coping really well with her mastectomy. FIL,well.
Me and Missis T dropped the sproggs off at school and went round to see in laws, Missis T is measuring MIL drain and today she had to ring in results as to whether the drain comes out today. ( looks like being tomorrow).
I was shocked at the FIL. When I had seen him before, when he was suffering from his moments he was very quiet. Today he had dropped down a few levels. He never recognised his wife, never recognised Missis T, he recognised Tashyboy straight away. This is not his house, why is there two phones in the house. Raised voice, quiet voice. Quite frankly it was heartbreaking. Yet again Missis T took it in her stride. I owe her a massive holiday somewhere one day. Lord knows what the trigger point was to set him off but his mobile phone which had no credit was a problem. Ave sorted that and EE  were fantastic. But it could be anything that started his moment. Suffice to say Me and Missis T have talked on the subject of Care homes but the general consensus is leave it at the moment. 
quite frankly Missis T has used her skills as a nurse quite brilliantly, but how the heck other families have coped with this I will never know and they have my utmost admiration.


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## arnieboy (Mar 9, 2021)

I have mentioned my father in law previously and how his dementia affected both him and the rest of the  family especially my wife. Tomorrow we lay him to rest, twelve months to the day  that my mother in law passed away. This will bring us closure and I just wanted to wish you all the strength to deal with the issues that you face.


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## Tashyboy (Mar 9, 2021)

arnieboy said:



			I have mentioned my father in law previously and how his dementia affected both him and the rest of the  family especially my wife. Tomorrow we lay him to rest, twelve months to the day  that my mother in law passed away. This will bring us closure and I just wanted to wish you all the strength to deal with the issues that you face.
		
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Cheers Arnie me man, thoughts for you and your beloved tomorrow.


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## toyboy54 (Mar 9, 2021)

Christ Tashy...what a hard road to tread for all of you-your missus sounds like mine-just does it,no fuss,no histronics-just does it!Where would we be eh?probably punching walls,killing someone or something.
Keep chin up/love thought of your lass with automatic PeaShooter-genius!


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## Tashyboy (Mar 9, 2021)

toyboy54 said:



			Christ Tashy...what a hard road to tread for all of you-your missus sounds like mine-just does it,no fuss,no histronics-just does it!Where would we be eh?probably punching walls,killing someone or something.
Keep chin up/love thought of your lass with automatic PeaShooter-genius!
		
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Cheers TB, I know its been tough for a lot of folk. Yet throughout all this  Covid we have been very fortunate. We have had the Grand sproggs due to her being a Bobby and they have kept us same and entertained. Last night we chucked the kids in bed.When we went to bed at 11.20 I checked and they were fast on. missis T crept into room at 11.22 and grandson who is 8 has turned the telly back on and is watching games the little sod. Been doing it a few weeks. 
Missis T mentioned how her dad woke her last week about 1.30 am.. she told him it’s the middle of the night and to get back in bed so he climbed  into bed at the side of her and snored his head off for half an hour. Woke up again and asked “ what am I doing here”. Missis T has not stopped laughing about it. Maybe it’s the little things that keep us going, that keeps us all going.
Re daughter with the pea shooter, she did her online sergeants exam today ( said it was very tough ) so fingers crossed on that one. She went up to West Yorkshire a couple of weeks ago to try some new semis to replace the H and K. She showed me some of the photos. The latest guns look like kids toys 😳. It’s strange hearing your daughter talking about guns. But that’s the norm in her world. Re our better half’s, we are lucky to have The ones we have.👍


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## toyboy54 (Mar 9, 2021)

Tashyboy said:



			Cheers TB, I know its been tough for a lot of folk. Yet throughout all this  Covid we have been very fortunate. We have had the Grand sproggs due to her being a Bobby and they have kept us same and entertained. Last night we chucked the kids in bed.When we went to bed at 11.20 I checked and they were fast on. missis T crept into room at 11.22 and grandson who is 8 has turned the telly back on and is watching games the little sod. Been doing it a few weeks.
Missis T mentioned how her dad woke her last week about 1.30 am.. she told him it’s the middle of the night and to get back in bed so he climbed  into bed at the side of her and snored his head off for half an hour. Woke up again and asked “ what am I doing here”. Missis T has not stopped laughing about it. Maybe it’s the little things that keep us going, that keeps us all going.
Re daughter with the pea shooter, she did her online sergeants exam today ( said it was very tough ) so fingers crossed on that one. She went up to West Yorkshire a couple of weeks ago to try some new semis to replace the H and K. She showed me some of the photos. The latest guns look like kids toys 😳. It’s strange hearing your daughter talking about guns. But that’s the norm in her world. Re our better half’s, we are lucky to have The ones we have.👍
		
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Any chance your lass san get me a couple of 'samples to try out'-purely for slow play pest control purposes of course(well maybe even non repairers of pitch marks +myopic parkers)??


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## Tashyboy (Mar 9, 2021)

toyboy54 said:



			Any chance your lass san get me a couple of 'samples to try out'-purely for slow play pest control purposes of course(well maybe even non repairers of pitch marks +myopic parkers)??
		
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😂😂
ave already asked, she said there would be one to many in the bag.


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## toyboy54 (Mar 9, 2021)

Tashyboy said:



			😂😂
ave already asked, she said there would be one to many in the bag.
		
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What???Couldn't even trial a Taser for a couple of weeks??Could come under 'Civillian irresponsibility in a public setting control(or some such PC dross)
Come on Tashy-I need to address these issues to help the course management strategy(lying git-just want some fun)
Am willing to take on this arduous task purely by myself-who knows? if it works, then it could be rolled out across the U.K.-Think of the future-1st golf,then queues,traffic wardens,politicians next stop the world!.....Can't you try a bit of Parental Authority or has that time gone?


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## Tashyboy (Mar 9, 2021)

toyboy54 said:



			What???Couldn't even trial a Taser for a couple of weeks??Could come under 'Civillian irresponsibility in a public setting control(or some such PC dross)
Come on Tashy-I need to address these issues to help the course management strategy(lying git-just want some fun)
Am willing to take on this arduous task purely by myself-who knows? if it works, then it could be rolled out across the U.K.-Think of the future-1st golf,then queues,traffic wardens,politicians next stop the world!.....Can't you try a bit of Parental Authority or has that time gone?

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😂😂 she knows to many “ bad man “ for me to overstep the mark.


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## toyboy54 (Mar 9, 2021)

Tashyboy said:



			😂😂 she knows to many “ bad man “ for me to overstep the mark.
		
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That's it you're off the Xmas card list111 but I'll put your missus on instead

Oh well back to verbals


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## Lord Tyrion (Apr 3, 2021)

MiL getting worse. FiL getting worse in dealing with it. She needs to go into an appropriate home where she will be looked after properly. Some mutterings about this happening but the speed of movement is glacial. 

To appease guilt my wife has invited them around tomorrow for a bbq. I asked her to do a weather check, I knew the answer 🙄. 10c, 18-20mph winds meaning a real world temp of 6-7 up here. Who doesn't want to sit outside with temperatures and a wind like that. Pointing this out did not go well 😳.

It's going to be a rocky spell but the decisions which are obvious in their need are not going to be made easily. Oh joy. Thank heavens we are allowed to play golf again.


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## RichA (Apr 3, 2021)

For council tax purposes, the partner of someone with dementia is a single person. I don't see why the same wouldn't apply to the COVID rules. 
Assuming you aren't already support bubbling with anyone else and all are comfortable with the risks, why not bubble with them and have them inside.


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## RichA (Apr 3, 2021)

Like you said, the obvious decisions are terribly difficult to make and progress. With my mum it took a uti and a hospital stay to precipitate the conversation.
In hindsight, it was obvious that dad couldn't properly care for her and my weekly visits didn't give him enough respite. She was better off in the home, as much as we had sworn we wouldn't let it happen.
Good luck. There is no easy solution or perfect timeline.


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## Tashyboy (Apr 3, 2021)

Lord Tyrion said:



			MiL getting worse. FiL getting worse in dealing with it. She needs to go into an appropriate home where she will be looked after properly. Some mutterings about this happening but the speed of movement is glacial.

To appease guilt my wife has invited them around tomorrow for a bbq. I asked her to do a weather check, I knew the answer 🙄. 10c, 18-20mph winds meaning a real world temp of 6-7 up here. Who doesn't want to sit outside with temperatures and a wind like that. Pointing this out did not go well 😳.

It's going to be a rocky spell but the decisions which are obvious in their need are not going to be made easily. Oh joy. Thank heavens we are allowed to play golf again.
		
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I watched the Jackie Charlton programme the other night. It was heart breaking. It was not the same as what Missis T is going through with her FIL but  nigh on identical if you know what I mean. 
ironically I was looking for something the other day and came across some photos and tickets from 1973 when I went to watch England school boy U 16’s play Scotland U 16’s at the empire stadium at Wembley. I found a photo of me with Jackie Charlton. He looked massive.


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## Lord Tyrion (Apr 3, 2021)

RichA said:



			For council tax purposes, the partner of someone with dementia is a single person. I don't see why the same wouldn't apply to the COVID rules.
Assuming you aren't already support bubbling with anyone else and all are comfortable with the risks, why not bubble with them and have them inside.
		
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They are already in a bubble with my SiL, she is single. I don't believe your working out fits, although I like how you got there.


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## Lord Tyrion (Apr 3, 2021)

Tashyboy said:



			I watched the Jackie Charlton programme the other night. It was heart breaking. It was not the same as what Missis T is going through with her FIL but  nigh on identical if you know what I mean.
ironically I was looking for something the other day and came across some photos and tickets from 1973 when I went to watch England school boy U 16’s play Scotland U 16’s at the empire stadium at Wembley. I found a photo of me with Jackie Charlton. He looked massive.
		
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I was in a massed huddle/queue with him at Newcastle airport a few years ago. It was an easyjet scrum, 5 flights booking in at once, total carnage. Anyway Big Jack was stood bolt upright, head and shoulders above everyone else. Absolutely serene. 

He is/was hugely loved up here. Some people are liked but with the odd bad story or some are famous but with plenty of anti comments by those who have come across them in person. The comments and stories about him are universally positive, I've genuinly not heard a bad one. I'm not sure strikers of his era would quite feel the same though 😆.


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## Tashyboy (Apr 4, 2021)

Lord Tyrion said:



			I was in a massed huddle/queue with him at Newcastle airport a few years ago. It was an easyjet scrum, 5 flights booking in at once, total carnage. Anyway Big Jack was stood bolt upright, head and shoulders above everyone else. Absolutely serene.

He is/was hugely loved up here. Some people are liked but with the odd bad story or some are famous but with plenty of anti comments by those who have come across them in person. The comments and stories about him are universally positive, I've genuinly not heard a bad one. I'm not sure strikers of his era would quite feel the same though 😆.
		
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Am the small one with dark hair 😁


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## Robster59 (Apr 25, 2021)

An update on my FIL.  He has been deteriorating over the last few months. I won't go into details for his personal privacy but you have to keep an eye on him more and more.  We both work full time and so have to balance work with looking after him. To try to take the stress off my other half, I give him his morning pills, get him up, bring him his breakfast, take him for a daily walk and put him to bed at night as well as keeping an eye on him during the day. As you can imagine it's tiring physically and mentally.   My partner went for an update with the doctor on Friday and took him through his current condition.  I think she also broke down in the discussion. The doctor has said he believes he now needs 24/7 care.  That basically means him going into a home so that appears to be our next step. I'm still unsure how to feel about this as, although he will get the care he needs and it will give us respite, I still feel guilty about doing it.  He's going to be put in a place away from the only family he has with people he. doesn't know.  However he will be able to interact with people and get the care her needs. It just feels really strange.


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## toyboy54 (Apr 25, 2021)

Rob....Please don't think me callous or cold, but is it not time for you and Mrs.Robster to try thinking about your own sanity and health?
Not quite the same scenario but my old man loved going into respite care and being looked after,meeting others,interacting(still had his cans of Guinness in his locker right enough!
Hope you're both o.k. in what must be a really shitty time for you.
You've got my details if you want to blow up/have a rant/get a game...Tak Tent!


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## williamalex1 (Apr 25, 2021)

toyboy54 said:



			Rob....Please don't think me callous or cold, but is it not time for you and Mrs.Robster to try thinking about your own sanity and health?
Not quite the same scenario but my old man loved going into respite care and being looked after,meeting others,interacting(still had his cans of Guinness in his locker right enough!
Hope you're both o.k. in what must be a really shitty time for you.
You've got my details if you want to blow up/have a rant/get a game...Tak Tent!
		
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Great minds eh!, I just sent Robo a PM saying much the same


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## Tashyboy (Apr 25, 2021)

Me and Missis T had a run out to Bury market yesterday. Took me ma and pa and we recharged our batteries. About 7.15 last night we got a phone call from Ma in laws phone. A neighbour of the in laws was ringing saying Ma in law was in a mess. FIL had spent a day saying MIL was not his wife. It had tipped her over the edge. Me and Missis T have said it for a bit. miL does not handle his condition well.She is confrontational. She does not diffuse the situation. And she can twist FIL condition to make it about her.


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## Lord Tyrion (Apr 26, 2021)

@Robster59 , guilt? No, no, no. Don't feel guilty. Not only do you and your wife need your own life but if your FiL needs 24hr care then that is what he needs. In reality you can't offer that level of care, how could you? What is happening now is best for all parties. What you are feeling is natural but what you are doing is 100% correct.


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## RichA (Apr 26, 2021)

As above. We went through all the same feelings. In retrospect, a month "too early" would have been better than 2 months too late, when it came to actioning that incredibly difficult decision.
None of you may thrive as a result, but you should have a more survivable outcome.
The staff in my mum's small, rough and ready nursing home were about the most professional and caring humans I've had the privilege of meeting, in awful circumstances.


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## Ethan (Apr 26, 2021)

A diagnosis of dementia is often easier in retrospect even when it was quite uncertain prospectively. Nobody should beat themselves up for that, it happens all the time. The same is true fo a bunch of neurological illnesses, because many share symptoms with one another and overlap with normal age-related changes too.


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## Robster59 (Apr 26, 2021)

Thanks everyone.  This forum as a sounding board has been very helpful to me and the support and comments are all greatly appreciated.  
We know it's the right thing to do and the wheels are in motion to make the transition.  
It's a funny thing, but I've known my partner for 21 years and moved to Glasgow to live with her for the last 17.  In all that time her Father has been living in the granny flat at the back.  In all honesty I don't think she thought he would still be here as he has had numerous health problems, heart conditions, etc.  During that time he's been a cantankerous old sod, he and his daughter have never really got on (it was her Mum who was her best friend), he's always viewed me with suspicion and has accused me in the past of planning to take his grandsons inheritance from him (when he said this to his grandson he laughed out loud and said if that's the case I must really be playing the long game as I've waited 20 years so far ).  
We have never actually had lived together with just the two of us. He's always been there.  Either in the background or more prominently now as his needs increase.  So I know that we can genuinely feel we've done everything we can for him and looked after him as well as we can.  Yes, at times it's exasperating.  At times you just walk downstairs in the morning know that today is going to be like every other day as your entire routine revolves around him.  Even going anywhere on business has to be carried out in advance.  We can't plan to go anywhere together for more than a couple of hours.  But at times when you see him and you know in his condition he's totally helpless, and relies on what you do and say that you see the impact of this terrible illness.  He's still knows enough to know he's losing it.  That must be so difficult for him to be in that intermediate stage.  
Thanks again to everyone for your support.  As much as anything else, this is a sounding board for me to just let some of it out.


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## oxymoron (Apr 26, 2021)

Robster59 said:



			An update on my FIL.  He has been deteriorating over the last few months. I won't go into details for his personal privacy but you have to keep an eye on him more and more.  We both work full time and so have to balance work with looking after him. To try to take the stress off my other half, I give him his morning pills, get him up, bring him his breakfast, take him for a daily walk and put him to bed at night as well as keeping an eye on him during the day. As you can imagine it's tiring physically and mentally.   My partner went for an update with the doctor on Friday and took him through his current condition.  I think she also broke down in the discussion. The doctor has said he believes he now needs 24/7 care.  That basically means him going into a home so that appears to be our next step. I'm still unsure how to feel about this as, although he will get the care he needs and it will give us respite, I still feel guilty about doing it.  He's going to be put in a place away from the only family he has with people he. doesn't know.  However he will be able to interact with people and get the care her needs. It just feels really strange.
		
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Please do not feel guilty , it is the best for HIM and it is the best for YOU in the long run. Do not feel any guilt you have obviously done your utmost and cared for him but now he needs that bit more .
Your partner will need all your support and i am sure you will see it is best in the short and indeed long term.
All the best , i hope he gets a good home and they provide the care he needs .


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## toyboy54 (Apr 26, 2021)

williamalex1 said:



			Great minds eh!, I just sent Robo a PM saying much the same 

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As you say Bill...great minds!
Maybe the 3 of us can get together and have a game(and rant about various)
Should bring Rob's lady along as well--just to get out (and laugh at the golf/the girl sounds as if she needs some amusement- I'll spring for the day/food!


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## clubchamp98 (Apr 26, 2021)

Best advice I had is treat it like a broken leg.
You are not equipped to deal with a broken leg so you need someone to help you sort it out.
In the long run you have done your best, that’s all anyone can do.
He might enjoy meeting new people and when you visit this will show.
So don’t beat yourself up over this it’s a natural progression of his needs.


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## williamalex1 (Apr 26, 2021)

toyboy54 said:



			As you say Bill...great minds!
Maybe the 3 of us can get together and have a game(and rant about various)
Should bring Rob's lady along as well--just to get out (and laugh at the golf/the girl sounds as if she needs some amusement- I'll spring for the day/food!
		
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Mibbie a West of Scotland mini meet


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## Tashyboy (Apr 26, 2021)

We want what’s best for our parents, that’s a given. But there comes a stage where what we can do for them is not he best. That’s where the guilt comes in and it shouldn’t. 
Missis T through her role was adamant that some elderly people were shipped off to nursing homes so there adult kids could have a quieter life, plus they hardly had any visits from them once in a nursing home. Missis T said it was heartbreaking at times talking to her elderly patients who were making excuses for there kids not visiting when they lived so close. There’s a massive difference in that and not being able to look after parents with dementia. 
As I speak Missis T is on a conference call with her sister and brother re FIL. Its gonna be another interesting evening. 
On a personal note, thanks for keeping this thread going as a lot of what is happening re FIL has been mentioned previously and has given us the heads up on numerous occasions.


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## toyboy54 (Apr 26, 2021)

Tashy/Robster and anyone affected by this cruel,cruel bastard of an illness-keep your heads high and the spirits of those around you up!
TakTent all of you!!!


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## Piece (Apr 27, 2021)

I've been keeping a watching brief as my Dad has dementia, diagnosed 5 year ago. Things over the last few months have gone rapidly downhill, to point where he was admitted to hospital nearly two weeks ago. He collapsed on the toilet in the middle of the night and my Mum could do nothing but dial 999. Leading up to the event, he had been coughing regularly for no real reason - turns out he has several blood clots (major one on the lungs) and now diagnosed today, a lengthy aneurysm behind the heart. He's on meds for the clots, but the aneurysm is a 50-50 call whether he is left as is or surgery required. Long and short he's too frail currently to undergo surgery (this would only be after several referral visits to St. Georges) and thus hope he carries on and the artery holds. No-one knows how long the clots or aneurysm have been there; fix the clots, less pressure on the aneurysm?

Regarding the dementia, he's mid to late stage and things are starting to shut down. He's relatively fine though (lacking of eating - it's mostly liquid), but as you guys all know, it is really affecting those that do the caring; e.g. my Mum. She has reached her tipping point and understandably keeps breaking down as she has been unable to cope. She can't, and importantly doesn't want to, carry on. She is dreading him coming because she's not in a fit state mentally or physically to cope and although he is a quieter and happier person, he is a different person that my Mum has no affection for. A bit brutal but very understandable. I think at the end of this week he will be discharged and we need to work with discharge team to create a care plan. As a family we will be doing all we can to ensure my Mum is the priority and Dad is the second. We are pushing for 24/7 care in a home to give her that freedom and space, and bluntly, give her her life back in her later years. But it's down to needs, not want, and money. For info, Dad is 88 soon and Mum is 83.

To end this post he's been cared for wonderfully in the NHS hospital.


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## clubchamp98 (Apr 27, 2021)

Piece said:



			I've been keeping a watching brief as my Dad has dementia, diagnosed 5 year ago. Things over the last few months have gone rapidly downhill, to point where he was admitted to hospital nearly two weeks ago. He collapsed on the toilet in the middle of the night and my Mum could do nothing but dial 999. Leading up to the event, he had been coughing regularly for no real reason - turns out he has several blood clots (major one on the lungs) and now diagnosed today, a lengthy aneurysm behind the heart. He's on meds for the clots, but the aneurysm is a 50-50 call whether he is left as is or surgery required. Long and short he's too frail currently to undergo surgery (this would only be after several referral visits to St. Georges) and thus hope he carries on and the artery holds. No-one knows how long the clots or aneurysm have been there; fix the clots, less pressure on the aneurysm?

Regarding the dementia, he's mid to late stage and things are starting to shut down. He's relatively fine though (lacking of eating - it's mostly liquid), but as you guys all know, it is really affecting those that do the caring; e.g. my Mum. She has reached her tipping point and understandably keeps breaking down as she has been unable to cope. She can't, and importantly doesn't want to, carry on. She is dreading him coming because she's not in a fit state mentally or physically to cope and although he is a quieter and happier person, he is a different person that my Mum has no affection for. A bit brutal but very understandable. I think at the end of this week he will be discharged and we need to work with discharge team to create a care plan. As a family we will be doing all we can to ensure my Mum is the priority and Dad is the second. We are pushing for 24/7 care in a home to give her that freedom and space, and bluntly, give her her life back in her later years. But it's down to needs, not want, and money. For info, Dad is 88 soon and Mum is 83.

To end this post he's been cared for wonderfully in the NHS hospital.
		
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Very similar to my parents.
In the end the carer needed caring for.
The discharge team won’t let him out unless there is adequate provision.
You need to stress to them your mums feelings, as she might not admit it to strangers.
Tough time ahead.
All the best.


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## RichA (Apr 27, 2021)

Good luck.
If your father is going to have complex ongoing medical needs, it might be worth asking social services at the hospital about a continuing healthcare assessment. We did it with mum and her nursing home was fully funded by the NHS - a huge relief for Dad. Link below...
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/socia...-work-and-benefits/nhs-continuing-healthcare/
Dad was like you're describing your mother. Kind of grieving for a lost loved one who was cruelly still living. Dementia does have its own personality that replaces that of its victim.
Stay strong brother.


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## Tashyboy (Apr 27, 2021)

Had a natter wi bro in law last night. We are on the same page. He told me he took Ma in law to hospital last week for some bloods..
She mentioned that she had rung a support team to say he / FIL is getting worse. They said they will send someone out asap to have him reassessed. She said not to bother as he can see the woman he saw last time. She is off work with a hip replacement and could be for another month or 2. Bro in law gave her a piece of his mind telling her she is putting things off again. She said FIL liked her. He cannot remember her. Sat watching 6 - 8 yrs olds footballing without a care in the world. An hour's therapy for tash.


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## clubchamp98 (Apr 27, 2021)

Tashyboy said:



			Had a natter wi bro in law last night. We are on the same page. He told me he took Ma in law to hospital last week for some bloods..
She mentioned that she had rung a support team to say he / FIL is getting worse. They said they will send someone out asap to have him reassessed. She said not to bother as he can see the woman he saw last time. She is off work with a hip replacement and could be for another month or 2. Bro in law gave her a piece of his mind telling her she is putting things off again. She said FIL liked her. He cannot remember her. Sat watching 6 - 8 yrs olds footballing without a care in the world. An hour's therapy for tash.
		
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Any diving and screaming ( in the footy) ?


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## Tashyboy (Apr 27, 2021)

clubchamp98 said:



			Any diving and screaming ( in the footy) ?
		
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There wasn't, but VAR would of been busy. Grandson got trainer of the day so apparently that means he don't have another Sunday dinner ever. He don't like them. 😳


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## clubchamp98 (Apr 27, 2021)

Tashyboy said:



			There wasn't, but VAR would of been busy. Grandson got trainer of the day so apparently that means he don't have another Sunday dinner ever. He don't like them. 😳
		
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No Sunday dinner ?
He will soon learn.


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## Robster59 (Apr 27, 2021)

Piece said:



			I've been keeping a watching brief as my Dad has dementia, diagnosed 5 year ago. Things over the last few months have gone rapidly downhill, to point where he was admitted to hospital nearly two weeks ago. He collapsed on the toilet in the middle of the night and my Mum could do nothing but dial 999. Leading up to the event, he had been coughing regularly for no real reason - turns out he has several blood clots (major one on the lungs) and now diagnosed today, a lengthy aneurysm behind the heart. He's on meds for the clots, but the aneurysm is a 50-50 call whether he is left as is or surgery required. Long and short he's too frail currently to undergo surgery (this would only be after several referral visits to St. Georges) and thus hope he carries on and the artery holds. No-one knows how long the clots or aneurysm have been there; fix the clots, less pressure on the aneurysm?

Regarding the dementia, he's mid to late stage and things are starting to shut down. He's relatively fine though (lacking of eating - it's mostly liquid), but as you guys all know, it is really affecting those that do the caring; e.g. my Mum. She has reached her tipping point and understandably keeps breaking down as she has been unable to cope. She can't, and importantly doesn't want to, carry on. She is dreading him coming because she's not in a fit state mentally or physically to cope and although he is a quieter and happier person, he is a different person that my Mum has no affection for. A bit brutal but very understandable. I think at the end of this week he will be discharged and we need to work with discharge team to create a care plan. As a family we will be doing all we can to ensure my Mum is the priority and Dad is the second. We are pushing for 24/7 care in a home to give her that freedom and space, and bluntly, give her her life back in her later years. But it's down to needs, not want, and money. For info, Dad is 88 soon and Mum is 83.

To end this post he's been cared for wonderfully in the NHS hospital.
		
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I hope you get it all sorted. It's difficult times for your but it's something I'm now appreciating how many people face this dilemma. Were looking at Care Homes now and finding the right one is tough. And calls as it sounds, the costs are very high.  The missus has find this site which helps. 
Care Sourcer


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## oxymoron (Apr 28, 2021)

Just driving in to work and i saw , for the first time , an advertising sign from the Altzheimers society , it read something along the lines of "My fathers dementia is killing me " 
As many on here will attest to , never a truer word spoken and it highlights the need for the carerers\familys need for support.


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## oxymoron (Apr 28, 2021)

Robster59 said:



			I hope you get it all sorted. It's difficult times for your but it's something I'm now appreciating how many people face this dilemma. Were looking at Care Homes now and finding the right one is tough. And calls as it sounds, the costs are very high.  The missus has find this site which helps.
Care Sourcer

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The one thing we found was if you could just turn up at any time to look around were generally the best ones but i dont know how possible in todays climate.
Just a small point but we found it was a pointer to the general running and attitude of the home ie nothing to hide.

Good luck with your search.


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## Hobbit (Apr 28, 2021)

Robster59 said:



			I hope you get it all sorted. It's difficult times for your but it's something I'm now appreciating how many people face this dilemma. Were looking at Care Homes now and finding the right one is tough. And calls as it sounds, the costs are very high.  The missus has find this site which helps.
Care Sourcer

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Yes the costs are very high but if someone needs to go into care for medical reasons, almost all of those costs are paid by the local authority/social services.

We we’re lucky in that the Social worker assigned to MiL knew all the wrinkles, and even warned us that we would have to chase up what was her ‘right.’

Yes it cost a couple of hundred a month but that was less than 20% of the bill.


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## RichA (Apr 28, 2021)

oxymoron said:



			The one thing we found was if you could just turn up at any time to look around were generally the best ones but i dont know how possible in todays climate.
Just a small point but we found it was a pointer to the general running and attitude of the home ie nothing to hide.

Good luck with your search.
		
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Spot on. Some of them look like lovely boutique hotels, which might be great for a private, older person without dementia. Maybe not someone with. 
Mum's home in Sutton-in-Ashfield (not the nicest place on the planet) didn't look great on paper or from the outside. Once we got inside, we just knew it was right. Slightly shocking at first - almost like a nursery, such were the needs of some residents, but a friendly, family atmosphere with visitors welcome at any time of day or night - although obviously not the case right now. 
Leaving after a visit is incredibly hard to begin with. Be prepared to figure out a method like you'd do if you were dropping a kid off with a minder - pop off "to the loo" and discreetly head for the exit. Sounds horrible, but it's the most painless way.


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## Tashyboy (Apr 28, 2021)

Years ago I visited Missis Ts grandmother in a nursing home, ironically it was in Sutton in Ashfield. It stunk of urine. Bottom line it upset me.  Anyway a few years later when brass was tight. I was working in a medical centre, the odd shift as a care assistant at kings mill hospital and every Friday I was an examiner for first aid courses. Missis T was a Nurse, tested miners for Vibration white finger and on Sundays worked in a good pals nursing home. I took the kids to see her one day. I walked in and was shocked by the smell. Missis T asked “ what’s wrong”, I told her. She had tears rolling down her cheeks with laughter.She took me to a room 2 doors away and there was “ Mavis” having her hair Done and it was the perming lotion I could smell. 😳
Ave had a look at care home and there are some good ones in the Mansfield/ Sutton area.


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## Lord Tyrion (Apr 28, 2021)

Tashyboy said:



			Years ago I visited Missis Ts grandmother in a nursing home, ironically it was in Sutton in Ashfield. It stunk of urine. Bottom line it upset me.  Anyway a few years later when brass was tight. I was working in a medical centre, the odd shift as a care assistant at kings mill hospital and every Friday I was an examiner for first aid courses. Missis T was a Nurse, tested miners for Vibration white finger and on Sundays worked in a good pals nursing home. I took the kids to see her one day. I walked in and was shocked by the smell. Missis T asked “ what’s wrong”, I told her. She had tears rolling down her cheeks with laughter.She took me to a room 2 doors away and there was “ Mavis” having her hair Done and it was the perming lotion I could smell. 😳
Ave had a look at care home and there are some good ones in the Mansfield/ Sutton area.
		
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We used to employ a woman who worked in a nursing home. When we started looking at ones for the MiL we mentioned about the urine smell. She did give a word of warning there. When they strip the beds they put the sheets in a basket and move from room to room. If you are there during that time it can smell awful but actually the place is clean. Now, how do you know if you have hit that unlucky half hour or if that is the smell all of the time? Try to visit twice and go at different times of the day was her advice.


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## Robster59 (Apr 28, 2021)

Hobbit said:



			Yes the costs are very high but if someone needs to go into care for medical reasons, almost all of those costs are paid by the local authority/social services.

We we’re lucky in that the Social worker assigned to MiL knew all the wrinkles, and even warned us that we would have to chase up what was her ‘right.’

Yes it cost a couple of hundred a month but that was less than 20% of the bill.
		
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Interesting that, as we've been indicated that Care is anything up to £1300 per week but the maximum support he can get is £180 per week.  And they need proof that he has enough revenue to cover the first three years.  We reckon with the support, state pension and private pension that would contribute about £730, so we're still about £500 per week of contribution we will need to make.


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## Tashyboy (Apr 28, 2021)

Robster59 said:



			Interesting that, as we've been indicated that Care is anything up to £1300 per week but the maximum support he can get is £180 per week.  And they need proof that he has enough revenue to cover the first three years.  We reckon with the support, state pension and private pension that would contribute about £730, so we're still about £500 per week of contribution we will need to make.
		
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Although this is not a concern of the family at the moment, it’s purely down to the fact they have not thought about it yet. For me it’s gonna be a massive problem. I mentioned about how grateful I was for reading about this thread and how it has given me the heads up on things we may encounter along the way. This is one Of those “ things”.


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## oxymoron (Apr 28, 2021)

Hobbit said:



			Yes the costs are very high but if someone needs to go into care for medical reasons, *almost all of those costs are paid by the local authority/social services.*

We we’re lucky in that the Social worker assigned to MiL knew all the wrinkles, and even warned us that we would have to chase up what was her ‘right.’

Yes it cost a couple of hundred a month but that was less than 20% of the bill.
		
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I think this has changed , here in Sheffield the local authority only paid up to £550 per week to the bill (i think thats what it was ) , some homes were happy to take this along with the patients pension but only after it left them with an allowance for personal stuff like clothes, toiletries and stuff  , the funding is a nightmare to navigate through as there are supplementary benefits that are to be claimed as well to help with the bill but its hard to find exactly what you can claim, some
dementia charities can assist with that side of things..


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## RichA (May 1, 2021)

RichA said:



			Just played randomly in the car...




Probably haven't heard it since I was a kid and had it on vinyl, but could still remember all the words, down to an infinite loop near the end where my record was scratched.
		
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... which reminded me how amazing the human brain is and how important music was for keeping my mum happy over her last couple of years. Even when she didn't know who we were, she could remember all the words to songs she had probably only heard reluctantly a couple of times on TOTP 30 years earlier.


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## Robster59 (May 3, 2021)

One of the other pitfalls. Going to the local shop to buy Tena for men for the FiL and hoping people don't think I'm buying them for myself!


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## Lord Tyrion (May 3, 2021)

Robster59 said:



			One of the other pitfalls. Going to the local shop to buy Tena for men for the FiL and hoping people don't think I'm buying them for myself! 

Click to expand...

That is what internet shopping was designed for 😆

On a more serious note you should be able to get these supplied foc if it is a regular issue. For my MiL we spoke to an incontinence nurse who arranged for them. Hopefully the same is an option in Scotland, different health service etc.


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## williamalex1 (May 3, 2021)

It's the same piss here, see the Billy Connelly


Robster59 said:



			One of the other pitfalls. Going to the local shop to buy Tena for men for the FiL and hoping people don't think I'm buying them for myself! 

Click to expand...

A likely story  but the good news is you'll get in the seniors team easy peesy now


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## Tashyboy (May 3, 2021)

Robster59 said:



			One of the other pitfalls. Going to the local shop to buy Tena for men for the FiL and hoping people don't think I'm buying them for myself! 

Click to expand...

This is the sense of humour that gets me through. Would look forward to a round with you 👍


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## Piece (May 4, 2021)

Piece said:



			I've been keeping a watching brief as my Dad has dementia, diagnosed 5 year ago. Things over the last few months have gone rapidly downhill, to point where he was admitted to hospital nearly two weeks ago. He collapsed on the toilet in the middle of the night and my Mum could do nothing but dial 999. Leading up to the event, he had been coughing regularly for no real reason - turns out he has several blood clots (major one on the lungs) and now diagnosed today, a lengthy aneurysm behind the heart. He's on meds for the clots, but the aneurysm is a 50-50 call whether he is left as is or surgery required. Long and short he's too frail currently to undergo surgery (this would only be after several referral visits to St. Georges) and thus hope he carries on and the artery holds. No-one knows how long the clots or aneurysm have been there; fix the clots, less pressure on the aneurysm?

Regarding the dementia, he's mid to late stage and things are starting to shut down. He's relatively fine though (lacking of eating - it's mostly liquid), but as you guys all know, it is really affecting those that do the caring; e.g. my Mum. She has reached her tipping point and understandably keeps breaking down as she has been unable to cope. She can't, and importantly doesn't want to, carry on. She is dreading him coming because she's not in a fit state mentally or physically to cope and although he is a quieter and happier person, he is a different person that my Mum has no affection for. A bit brutal but very understandable. I think at the end of this week he will be discharged and we need to work with discharge team to create a care plan. As a family we will be doing all we can to ensure my Mum is the priority and Dad is the second. We are pushing for 24/7 care in a home to give her that freedom and space, and bluntly, give her her life back in her later years. But it's down to needs, not want, and money. For info, Dad is 88 soon and Mum is 83.

To end this post he's been cared for wonderfully in the NHS hospital.
		
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My Dad is being discharged from hospital tomorrow. He is going direct to a local home as the medical and care needs have agreed, thankfully, that going home isn't viable for him or my Mum. She is relieved on one hand but crippled with emotional guilt on the other. I am relieved for all.

Now the next step in the journey is around duration of stay and funding. I think he's there for a fully paid six weeks if I understand correct, with a figure of £1,400 a week quoted, to finally assess his needs and care package. As this is new for us with no experience, I'm after any guidance from you guys about what are the options *after* the six weeks. I guess they means test my Dad's income to see if he can pay all, most, little or none of his care going forward. He is not well off at all, thus it should be little or none. But I don't know what the NHS or whoever has the purse-strings will be able to pay or what's their set limit. I have it in my head they will pay a set percentage/amount (e.g. £1000), then the rest of the care comes out of his pension, savings, benefits, etc.? 

Anyone who has an info, I would appreciate it. I just want to ensure that we cover all the bases and that we are not missing out on any entitlement or support to make the process easier. There's lots of resources and info about; it's just piecing it all together to get the right informed outcome. The Beacon website has been very valuable.

Cheers


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## Lord Tyrion (May 4, 2021)

Piece said:



			My Dad is being discharged from hospital tomorrow. He is going direct to a local home as the medical and care needs have agreed, thankfully, that going home isn't viable for him or my Mum. She is relieved on one hand but crippled with emotional guilt on the other. I am relieved for all.

Now the next step in the journey is around duration of stay and funding. I think he's there for a fully paid six weeks if I understand correct, with a figure of £1,400 a week quoted, to finally assess his needs and care package. As this is new for us with no experience, I'm after any guidance from you guys about what are the options *after* the six weeks. I guess they means test my Dad's income to see if he can pay all, most, little or none of his care going forward. He is not well off at all, thus it should be little or none. But I don't know what the NHS or whoever has the purse-strings will be able to pay or what's their set limit. I have it in my head they will pay a set percentage/amount (e.g. £1000), then the rest of the care comes out of his pension, savings, benefits, etc.?

Anyone who has an info, I would appreciate it. I just want to ensure that we cover all the bases and that we are not missing out on any entitlement or support to make the process easier. There's lots of resources and info about; it's just piecing it all together to get the right informed outcome. The Beacon website has been very valuable.

Cheers
		
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My MiL goes in for respite care for 1 week on Friday. First time and likely to become permanent very shortly.

My understanding after listening to my wife explain it to my FiL multiple times is a follows:

They can not touch your mums money, nor her house whilst she is alive and living in it.

The state will pay an amount towards the cost, you will need to top up the rest from pensions, his savings, etc. Once the savings money is used up, pensions keep going of course, your local council will then decide whether they top up the money or whether they move your dad to a home that they suggest and is within their budget. The choice then is simple, either you pay or he is moved.

The figures are not as great up here, North / South divide working in our favour this time, so for us the gap is likely to be easier to bridge or more likely, the council will simply agree to pay the difference if my MiL is happy there rather than put her through the upheaval. Don't forget incidentally, the council at that point will negotiate the fee with the home and their power may get a cheaper rate than you or I could achieve.

My wife has found that Age UK have been very helpful on this front. Are you in touch with them for advice? If not it may be worth speaking to them.

Best of luck and please post what you learn. It is helpful for all of us going through this as getting accurate information at times is ridiculously difficult.


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## RichA (May 4, 2021)

It all seems to depend on the panel from NHS and social services who make the assessment. My mum's non-dementia medical care needs were considered sufficient that fully funded nursing care was essential. Honestly, we were surprised, as all her medical issues seemed dementia related to us. 
Please get advice. It's a few years ago and I can't remember the names, but advocacy can be obtained via Age UK and dementia charities.


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## RichA (May 4, 2021)

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/socia...-work-and-benefits/nhs-continuing-healthcare/


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## Piece (May 4, 2021)

RichA said:



https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/socia...-work-and-benefits/nhs-continuing-healthcare/

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This is an excellent site, thanks. And has got me wondering if we can apply/demand a continuing healthcare assessment to get all his care funded as this mechanism is not means-tested. I'm looking at the very useful Beacon website and toolkit.



Lord Tyrion said:



			My MiL goes in for respite care for 1 week on Friday. First time and likely to become permanent very shortly.

My understanding after listening to my wife explain it to my FiL multiple times is a follows:

They can not touch your mums money, nor her house whilst she is alive and living in it.

The state will pay an amount towards the cost, you will need to top up the rest from pensions, his savings, etc. Once the savings money is used up, pensions keep going of course, your local council will then decide whether they top up the money or whether they move your dad to a home that they suggest and is within their budget. The choice then is simple, either you pay or he is moved.

The figures are not as great up here, North / South divide working in our favour this time, so for us the gap is likely to be easier to bridge or more likely, the council will simply agree to pay the difference if my MiL is happy there rather than put her through the upheaval. Don't forget incidentally, the council at that point will negotiate the fee with the home and their power may get a cheaper rate than you or I could achieve.

My wife has found that Age UK have been very helpful on this front. Are you in touch with them for advice? If not it may be worth speaking to them.

Best of luck and please post what you learn. It is helpful for all of us going through this as getting accurate information at times is ridiculously difficult.
		
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Very useful and thank you.


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## RichA (May 4, 2021)

Piece said:



			This is an excellent site, thanks. And has got me wondering if we can apply/demand a continuing healthcare assessment to get all his care funded as this mechanism is not means-tested. I'm looking at the very useful Beacon website and toolkit.



Very useful and thank you.
		
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We downloaded the Decision Making Tool (it's a points based system) and the checklist and worked backwards, having a few long and difficult conversations with Dad to get evidence of the healthcare he'd been struggling to provide Mum with, how long it had been going on, examples of medical emergencies and violence from Mum that we had been unaware of. Out of shame, embarrassment and not knowing what else to do, he had covered up some pretty upsetting and awful stuff for longer than we had imagined. I documented it all and provided it to the social worker, who almost became our advocate. Along with the assessments by the hospital caring for Mum, it got her over the score required.
Sorry to talk about myself when this is about you, but I don't like giving advice or telling you what you should do, so it's easier to just say what we did.
Maybe your Mum has other similar information that she hasn't told you that will help.

Good luck. I really feel for you and your family.


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## Deleted member 16999 (May 14, 2021)

Good friend is going through a difficult time at the moment, he has however, managed to put some of feelings down on paper

I sat and watched the man in the chair
An empty shell with a forlorn distant stare
Once he had lived, loved, laughed and now cries
Because it’s all gone, he can’t remember no matter how hard he tries
Then a glimmer, a smile a small spark of life
He can see his one constant his long suffering wife
It’s a rare golden moment that shines through the abyss
A moment so fleeting it would be easy to miss
She takes his hand for a second content
and then it’s all over his memory is spent
Once again he is the man in the chair
An empty shell with a forlorn distant stare.


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## 2blue (May 14, 2021)

pauldj42 said:



			Good friend is going through a difficult time at the moment, he has however, managed to put some of feelings down on paper

I sat and watched the man in the chair
An empty shell with a forlorn distant stare
Once he had lived, loved, laughed and now cries
Because it’s all gone, he can’t remember no matter how hard he tries
Then a glimmer, a smile a small spark of life
He can see his one constant his long suffering wife
It’s a rare golden moment that shines through the abyss
A moment so fleeting it would be easy to miss
She takes his hand for a second content
and then it’s all over his memory is spent
Once again he is the man in the chair
An empty shell with a forlorn distant stare.
		
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Wow......  just wow...... from a Dad with a son in the Sevices.


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## Tashyboy (May 15, 2021)

pauldj42 said:



			Good friend is going through a difficult time at the moment, he has however, managed to put some of feelings down on paper

I sat and watched the man in the chair
An empty shell with a forlorn distant stare
Once he had lived, loved, laughed and now cries
Because it’s all gone, he can’t remember no matter how hard he tries
Then a glimmer, a smile a small spark of life
He can see his one constant his long suffering wife
It’s a rare golden moment that shines through the abyss
A moment so fleeting it would be easy to miss
She takes his hand for a second content
and then it’s all over his memory is spent
Once again he is the man in the chair
An empty shell with a forlorn distant stare.
		
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Tell yer pal Mr and Missis Tash said thankyou. He speaks for millions.😟


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## toyboy54 (May 15, 2021)

pauldj42 said:



			Good friend is going through a difficult time at the moment, he has however, managed to put some of feelings down on paper

I sat and watched the man in the chair
An empty shell with a forlorn distant stare
Once he had lived, loved, laughed and now cries
Because it’s all gone, he can’t remember no matter how hard he tries
Then a glimmer, a smile a small spark of life
He can see his one constant his long suffering wife
It’s a rare golden moment that shines through the abyss
A moment so fleeting it would be easy to miss
She takes his hand for a second content
and then it’s all over his memory is spent
Once again he is the man in the chair
An empty shell with a forlorn distant stare.
		
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That is just beautiful, so beautiful-God bless them!


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## Crazyface (May 17, 2021)

This is a very sad upsetting and very scary thread. Annoyingly the fact that those with a bit of something behind them, a house, have it whipped from them. This is a travesty. You used to be able to gift a house to children to avoid loosing it in these circumstances. Is this still possible? We, the wife and I, have talked about this. In an attempt to stop this from happening to us just in case.


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## RichA (May 17, 2021)

Some of my MiL's family had a similar conversation with her, including her son's FiL.
When I pointed out that if her children's marriages broke up, she could find herself having to sell her house to settle their divorces, she changed her mind.
Please get proper independent advice before you do anything like this.


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## Tashyboy (May 17, 2021)

Crazyface said:



			This is a very sad upsetting and very scary thread. Annoyingly the fact that those with a bit of something behind them, a house, have it whipped from them. This is a travesty. You used to be able to gift a house to children to avoid loosing it in these circumstances. Is this still possible? We, the wife and I, have talked about this. In an attempt to stop this from happening to us just in case.
		
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CF, I do stand corrected. But I think me and Missis T have something in our will where the kids are joint owners. But it has to be done for 7 years  and not the last few months to avoid a “ fiddle”. Hopefully someone will come along and dot the I’s and cross the T’s.


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## Deleted member 16999 (May 17, 2021)

Tashyboy said:



			CF, I do stand corrected. But I think me and Missis T have something in our will where the kids are joint owners. But it has to be done for 7 years  and not the last few months to avoid a “ fiddle”. Hopefully someone will come along and dot the I’s and cross the T’s.
		
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I’m probably wrong Tash, but I believe the property has to be in their name, ie, they are the legal owners, for 7 years, therefore you and Missus T are living in their property for that period or more prior to your deaths for it not to be included in your or Missis T’s estate.


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## Tashyboy (May 17, 2021)

pauldj42 said:



			I’m probably wrong Tash, but I believe the property has to be in their name, ie, they are the legal owners, for 7 years, therefore you and Missus T are living in their property for that period or more prior to your deaths for it not to be included in your or Missis T’s estate.
		
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Gonna speak to Missis T when she is back from the gym 👍


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## Tashyboy (May 17, 2021)

Crazyface , this may help muddy the waters 👍

https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&ved=2ahUKEwjImePgttHwAhUVB2MBHStdC-EQFjACegQIBRAD&url=https://www.saga.co.uk/magazine/money/personal-finance/giving/what-you-need-to-know-about-signing-property-over-to-your-children&usg=AOvVaw2EVocIyzgpl7o7O7tKnq-h


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## clubchamp98 (May 17, 2021)

Tashyboy said:



			Gonna speak to Missis T when she is back from the gym 👍
		
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My parents made separate wills leaving the house to the children.
So when my mum died we owned half the house ,as it didn’t go to my dad.
In this way all the house can’t be taken to fund care for the surviving one.
There’s a clause making the spouse secure in the property and you can’t sell it without their permission.
The 7 year clause is for tax purposes this applies to large amounts of cash I think as well.
So you can’t even give your money away without the taxman grabbing it.


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## Tashyboy (May 17, 2021)

clubchamp98 said:



			My parents made separate wills leaving the house to the children.
So when my mum died we owned half the house ,as it didn’t go to my dad.
In this way all the house can’t be taken to fund care for the surviving one.
There’s a clause making the spouse secure in the property and you can’t sell it without their permission.
The 7 year clause is for tax purposes this applies to large amounts of cash I think as well.
So you can’t even give your money away without the taxman grabbing it.
		
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Just spoke to Missis T and read your post To her. ^ This is it. Cheers CC98.

Back onto dementia. FIL is getting worse by the week. I think the strain is showing at times with Missis T. We had a “ break” at mablethorpe wi the grandkids over the weekend. But you know what your coming back to. Had an amble around Rufford lake today just getting away from it. I asked if she wanted to go and see her parents. Nope. 2 mins later her father is on the phone. She never answered through having a rubbish signal. He called again as soon as we got home. He daily does not recognise his wife, she is a stranger. Today his wife was his mum. She died 20 odd years ago. No one will talk to him on the phone and there all laughing at him behind his back. He was glad Missis T picked up the phone straight away as it was the first time he had called her today 😖. Missis T talked him back into the room in recognising his wife and she is saying in the background “ Ave had enough of this”. Missis T is more than accepting of her dads condition, it’s her mum who is winding up Missis T. She is quite happy to sit back and do nothing, she does not even help to sort out his tablets and just leaves him to it.


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## RichA (May 17, 2021)

Tashyboy said:



			Just spoke to Missis T and read your post To her. ^ This is it. Cheers CC98.

Back onto dementia. FIL is getting worse by the week. I think the strain is showing at times with Missis T. We had a “ break” at mablethorpe wi the grandkids over the weekend. But you know what your coming back to. Had an amble around Rufford lake today just getting away from it. I asked if she wanted to go and see her parents. Nope. 2 mins later her father is on the phone. She never answered through having a rubbish signal. He called again as soon as we got home. He daily does not recognise his wife, she is a stranger. Today his wife was his mum. She died 20 odd years ago. No one will talk to him on the phone and there all laughing at him behind his back. He was glad Missis T picked up the phone straight away as it was the first time he had called her today 😖. Missis T talked him back into the room in recognising his wife and she is saying in the background “ Ave had enough of this”. Missis T is more than accepting of her dads condition, it’s her mum who is winding up Missis T. She is quite happy to sit back and do nothing, she does not even help to sort out his tablets and just leaves him to it.
		
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Dad was similar when mum got bad. In hindsight, we had no idea just how intolerable his life had become. Assaults, abuse, living with a virtual stranger, providing 24 hour care for someone who varies between apathy and hostility.
Early on, someone we knew said, "Never mind your mum, keep an eye on your dad." They we're right. We only realised after.


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## Tashyboy (May 17, 2021)

RichA said:



			Dad was similar when mum got bad. In hindsight, we had no idea just how intolerable his life had become. Assaults, abuse, living with a virtual stranger, providing 24 hour care for someone who varies between apathy and hostility.
Early on, someone we knew said, "Never mind your mum, keep an eye on your dad." They we're right. We only realised after.
		
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Rich it’s tough, she talks to him in an horrible manner. That don’t half set him off. FIL had a right go a month or so ago at his son in law, Effing and blinding in the street. Raising his fists. Me Bro in law was upset and Livid. 2 weeks ago in-laws had a meeting with a Shrink.  Missis T who was there mentioned FILs temper. MIL played it down, Missis T mentioned the spat in the street. MIL said “ I don’t know why son in law was upset it was nothing”.  missis T was seething. If bro in law finds out what she has said he will go ballistic.
I think she would be happy to see him in a home but she does not want to make that decision.


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## toyboy54 (May 17, 2021)

Tashyboy said:



			Rich it’s tough, she talks to him in an horrible manner. That don’t half set him off. FIL had a right go a month or so ago at his son in law, Effing and blinding in the street. Raising his fists. Me Bro in law was upset and Livid. 2 weeks ago in-laws had a meeting with a Shrink.  Missis T who was there mentioned FILs temper. MIL played it down, Missis T mentioned the spat in the street. MIL said “ I don’t know why son in law was upset it was nothing”.  missis T was seething. If bro in law finds out what she has said he will go ballistic.
I think she would be happy to see him in a home but she does not want to make that decision.
		
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God...What a truly horrible situation for you ALL to be placed in- and if I may say so Mrs. T. especially ( that's not in any way reducing the angst you must be feeling!
Don't know what to say to you except that you have to be the strong one for all. God bless!


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## RichA (May 18, 2021)

Tashyboy said:



			Rich it’s tough, she talks to him in an horrible manner. That don’t half set him off. FIL had a right go a month or so ago at his son in law, Effing and blinding in the street. Raising his fists. Me Bro in law was upset and Livid. 2 weeks ago in-laws had a meeting with a Shrink.  Missis T who was there mentioned FILs temper. MIL played it down, Missis T mentioned the spat in the street. MIL said “ I don’t know why son in law was upset it was nothing”.  missis T was seething. If bro in law finds out what she has said he will go ballistic.
I think she would be happy to see him in a home but she does not want to make that decision.
		
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It's tough brother. All I can do is sympathise and keep telling our story. Every case is different, but hopefully there are bits that resonate with your situation. I have the benefit of hindsight - mum died nearly 3 years ago now. 
Nobody really understands how it is for the "surviving" partner until afterwards. On my weekly visits, dad used to escape for the day - still cycling in his mid-80s. I'd look after mum. She'd ask me whose son I was - she assumed I was some random family friend's son. She'd ask when her father was getting back. On advice from a friend, I learned to just "jolly her along", not bursting her bubble or upsetting her. 
When dad got back it would continue, but when she suggested he was her father, his response would be, "Of course I'm not your father - he's been dead for 40 years." He would be impatient with her or just ignore her at times. 
I'd ask him why he couldn't show a little more compassion and he said that in 60+ years of marriage he'd never lied to her - he wasn't going to start now. 
When I stayed overnight, I'd witness the effects of her nightmares. Monsters attacking her. When she woke, she saw dad as one of the monsters. She hated him and was terrified of him. I can't imagine the toll that took. He later told me that it had been happening a couple of times a week for a couple of years. 
After mum died, dad had a brain haemorrhage that resembled a stroke. MRI showed that it was actually an old, untreated injury that high blood pressure had caused to pop open. The doctor asked if dad had had a previous injury - "you must have known about it. It would have been a hell of a knock."
He admitted that a year or so earlier, mum had gone through a phase of attacking him. On one occasion she hit him over the head so hard with a saucepan that he was knocked out. He never told anyone. He was embarrassed and ashamed. 
Then mum got more sick with other stuff. He was embarrassed and ashamed for not providing effective medical care. 
Then mum went into hospital and, later, nursing care. He was embarrassed and ashamed for breaking their pact that neither would ever put the other into a home. 

I guess I'm suggesting that while we're all focusing on the person with dementia, we lose sight of the fact that the partner is just as much of a victim of it - possibly even more so. But being of "that generation", they probably won't ask for or accept the help, out of shame and embarrassment.


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## Tashyboy (May 18, 2021)

RichA said:



			It's tough brother. All I can do is sympathise and keep telling our story. Every case is different, but hopefully there are bits that resonate with your situation. I have the benefit of hindsight - mum died nearly 3 years ago now.
Nobody really understands how it is for the "surviving" partner until afterwards. On my weekly visits, dad used to escape for the day - still cycling in his mid-80s. I'd look after mum. She'd ask me whose son I was - she assumed I was some random family friend's son. She'd ask when her father was getting back. On advice from a friend, I learned to just "jolly her along", not bursting her bubble or upsetting her.
When dad got back it would continue, but when she suggested he was her father, his response would be, "Of course I'm not your father - he's been dead for 40 years." He would be impatient with her or just ignore her at times.
I'd ask him why he couldn't show a little more compassion and he said that in 60+ years of marriage he'd never lied to her - he wasn't going to start now.
When I stayed overnight, I'd witness the effects of her nightmares. Monsters attacking her. When she woke, she saw dad as one of the monsters. She hated him and was terrified of him. I can't imagine the toll that took. He later told me that it had been happening a couple of times a week for a couple of years.
After mum died, dad had a brain haemorrhage that resembled a stroke. MRI showed that it was actually an old, untreated injury that high blood pressure had caused to pop open. The doctor asked if dad had had a previous injury - "you must have known about it. It would have been a hell of a knock."
He admitted that a year or so earlier, mum had gone through a phase of attacking him. On one occasion she hit him over the head so hard with a saucepan that he was knocked out. He never told anyone. He was embarrassed and ashamed.
Then mum got more sick with other stuff. He was embarrassed and ashamed for not providing effective medical care.
Then mum went into hospital and, later, nursing care. He was embarrassed and ashamed for breaking their pact that neither would ever put the other into a home.

I guess I'm suggesting that while we're all focusing on the person with dementia, we lose sight of the fact that the partner is just as much of a victim of it - possibly even more so. But being of "that generation", they probably won't ask for or accept the help, out of shame and embarrassment.
		
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All the mother in law keeps asking for is her “ old husband back”. I think she knows it will not happen. Me and Missis T have been round a few times and just sat and nattered in the garden. Last time we had a few beers, reluctantly. I say that coz am not an afternoon drinker. But for an hour and a half FIL was ” out of the fog” and back to his old self. MIL was laughing and all was well. On the way home I mentioned to Missis Tash that is all that MIL wants.
Ave got to say that EE have been fantastic in putting him onto my phone contract, he was on PAYG, and it was starting to cost him a fortune. It is his lifeline. He is never off it.


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## RichA (May 18, 2021)

Just keep remembering that the 24/7 care and company your MiL is providing would involve a team of 5 trained care assistants working 8 hour shifts and costing over £100,000 a year. For all the help you're giving her, she probably still really needs a proper break. I wish I'd looked harder into respite care a few years ago.


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## Lord Tyrion (May 18, 2021)

Every case is individual but it is interesting how many have distinct similarities. We are at a similar point to @Tashyboy right now, maybe marginally slightly further advanced but not by much. I smiled at the tablets comment. This was a major issue for us, still is. He just leaves her to take them. She might, she might not, she might take a weeks worth in one go, she might flush them. My wife found them on the carpet numerous times. Drove us nuts.

We finally managed to convince my FiL to put MiL into respite last week. He found 100 reasons not to but ultimately accepted it. He went to visit and came back saying it was useless and not for her. 'Why?' was the question asked. 'Well I asked her all of these questinos and she couldn't answer any of them. She just looked at me blankly' She has advanced dementia . 5 or so years into this and he has still not learned a single thing. Anyway, my wife went in to visit her. She came back beaming. He mum was full of smiles, she was clean, her clothes were clean, she was alert, the careers showed her the artwork they had done together, pointed out the jobs around the home she had helped with (MiL was a profilic house cleaner in the day, washer up etc). MiL said nothing about wanting to leave, showed none of her usual anxiety triggers. She was happy, therefore my wife was happy. She was picked up on Friday, all smiles when my wife arrived. The week could not have gone better.

Second night back and MiL gets up in the night, climbs into the bath, no water thankfully, but can't get out. FiL gets a neighbour to come around to help get her out. He has finally accepted that she needs to go in to a home full time now. He is baulking at the cost, despite all of the explanations about what they can take, when it stops  etc. He has the money but he wants to be the richest man in the graveyard. My wife is now negotiating with him as to which home she goes into and when. Ideally it will be the one that worked so well for respite and within the next week or so. This is not knee jerk, it was necessary 12 months ago but it has taken this long to get the FiL to see sense. All of the recent posts about problems of partners ticked every box for what we have been through.

When she goes in it will be a huge weight lifted. She will be looked after properly and be safe for the first time in a long time. FiL will be able to resume his life without this pulling him down. Their kids, my wife etc, will be less tense and worried. 

We checked out various homes, all were happy to open their doors, and have gone for the one that ticked the boxes for us / her. Anyone looking, don't be afraid to check out as many as you want. You can always move your relative but ideally they will settle in home number 1 and life becomes easier. And breathe..........


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## oxymoron (May 18, 2021)

Lord Tyrion said:



			Every case is individual but it is interesting how many have distinct similarities. We are at a similar point to @Tashyboy right now, maybe marginally slightly further advanced but not by much. I smiled at the tablets comment. This was a major issue for us, still is. He just leaves her to take them. She might, she might not, she might take a weeks worth in one go, she might flush them. My wife found them on the carpet numerous times. Drove us nuts.

We finally managed to convince my FiL to put MiL into respite last week. He found 100 reasons not to but ultimately accepted it. He went to visit and came back saying it was useless and not for her. 'Why?' was the question asked. 'Well I asked her all of these questinos and she couldn't answer any of them. She just looked at me blankly' She has advanced dementia . 5 or so years into this and he has still not learned a single thing. Anyway, my wife went in to visit her. She came back beaming.* He mum was full of smiles, she was clean, her clothes were clean, she was alert, the careers showed her the artwork they had done together, pointed out the jobs around the home she had helped with (MiL was a profilic house cleaner in the day, washer up etc). MiL said nothing about wanting to leave, showed none of her usual anxiety triggers. She was happy, therefore my wife was happy. She was picked up on Friday, all smiles when my wife arrived.* The week could not have gone better.

Second night back and MiL gets up in the night, climbs into the bath, no water thankfully, but can't get out. FiL gets a neighbour to come around to help get her out. He has finally accepted that she needs to go in to a home full time now. He is baulking at the cost, despite all of the explanations about what they can take, when it stops  etc. He has the money but he wants to be the richest man in the graveyard. My wife is now negotiating with him as to which home she goes into and when. Ideally it will be the one that worked so well for respite and within the next week or so. This is not knee jerk, it was necessary 12 months ago but it has taken this long to get the FiL to see sense. All of the recent posts about problems of partners ticked every box for what we have been through.

When she goes in it will be a huge weight lifted. She will be looked after properly and be safe for the first time in a long time. FiL will be able to resume his life without this pulling him down. Their kids, my wife etc, will be less tense and worried.

We checked out various homes, all were happy to open their doors, and have gone for the one that ticked the boxes for us / her. Anyone looking, don't be afraid to check out as many as you want. You can always move your relative but ideally they will settle in home number 1 and life becomes easier. And breathe..........
		
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LT this is brilliant , she probably had a greater effect on your wife than you realize , it is such a weight off when you get to see the improvements on their life a good care home can provide .
Good luck in the future , it seems you now have the FIL onboard so hopefully you will have a bit brighter future .


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## Robster59 (May 18, 2021)

Like many others I am so grateful for this thread and the support of the people on it.  It’s easy to think you’re alone but I have found this to be very cathartic and share the experience and advice with other members of the forum.  For that I have to give my thanks to everyone involved.  It is greatly appreciated.  

The Father in Law continues to slowly deteriorate.  Well, I say slowly, I have seen a real change over the last few weeks.  I now have to assist him getting dressed in the morning and evening, check he has done everything after going to the toilet and constantly reminding him of the need to wash his hands.  If he doesn’t get his pad right then he has an accident and I have to sort that out.  I take on as much as I can as it is stressing my missus out to the nth degree, but it is very disruptive to my work as well.  Of course, there are certain things I can do that he couldn’t / wouldn’t ask his daughter to do.  I reckon it takes at least an hour out of my work day each day, not including lunch, and on top of that, popping in to check he’s OK and also the times when something happens and he shouts on me to help.  It’s also very disruptive mentally as it really has an impact on concentration and mental flow.

At the end of the day, your life isn't your own.  You can't plan to go anywhere or be out of the house too long as you worry about what might happen to him on his home.  So whatever you do revolves around the person you are caring for.  Sorry if that sounds selfish.

Unlike others, we’re lucky that he’s not aggressive.  In fact, quite the opposite, he has mellowed with his dementia.  He is so reliant on us that he just takes what we say as the thing to do.  His main grumble is when I take him out for his daily walk around our crescent but we have to keep him moving.  Maybe a cattle prod is in order? 

So we know he needs 24/7 care and we have found what appears to be a suitable nursing home.  The missus is going into the home on Friday to complete the forms so we could be looking at a matter of weeks.  I initially felt really guilty about this but the more I see how he is deteriorating, the more I realise it will be best for him.  The right people to care for him, stimulation, people to talk to.

We are having issues with the Social Worker who wants to carry out an assessment on his own with him.  And he wants to tell him that he’s being assessed to see if he needs to go into a home.  We’re really against that as we haven’t told the FiL that he is going into a home yet due to all the stress it would cause everyone.  We think that basically he is looking at home care because it’s a cheaper option for them.  The reality is that the FiL needed home care a year ago but we have avoided it because of Covid.  We’re well past that point now.  He doesn’t own his own home, he moved in with us 20 years ago.

On the positive side, we are now ordering his pads and night underwear online so that’s one less embarrassing shopping moment.  I just hope it comes in a plain cardboard box! 

Once he’s in then the plan is to sell the house and move into something smaller.  We can then hopefully, for the first time since we’ve been together, have the house with just the two of us.  Not sure if that will make or break us mind you!


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## clubchamp98 (May 18, 2021)

RichA said:



			It's tough brother. All I can do is sympathise and keep telling our story. Every case is different, but hopefully there are bits that resonate with your situation. I have the benefit of hindsight - mum died nearly 3 years ago now.
Nobody really understands how it is for the "surviving" partner until afterwards. On my weekly visits, dad used to escape for the day - still cycling in his mid-80s. I'd look after mum. She'd ask me whose son I was - she assumed I was some random family friend's son. She'd ask when her father was getting back. On advice from a friend, I learned to just "jolly her along", not bursting her bubble or upsetting her.
When dad got back it would continue, but when she suggested he was her father, his response would be, "Of course I'm not your father - he's been dead for 40 years." He would be impatient with her or just ignore her at times.
I'd ask him why he couldn't show a little more compassion and he said that in 60+ years of marriage he'd never lied to her - he wasn't going to start now.
When I stayed overnight, I'd witness the effects of her nightmares. Monsters attacking her. When she woke, she saw dad as one of the monsters. She hated him and was terrified of him. I can't imagine the toll that took. He later told me that it had been happening a couple of times a week for a couple of years.
After mum died, dad had a brain haemorrhage that resembled a stroke. MRI showed that it was actually an old, untreated injury that high blood pressure had caused to pop open. The doctor asked if dad had had a previous injury - "you must have known about it. It would have been a hell of a knock."
He admitted that a year or so earlier, mum had gone through a phase of attacking him. On one occasion she hit him over the head so hard with a saucepan that he was knocked out. He never told anyone. He was embarrassed and ashamed.
Then mum got more sick with other stuff. He was embarrassed and ashamed for not providing effective medical care.
Then mum went into hospital and, later, nursing care. He was embarrassed and ashamed for breaking their pact that neither would ever put the other into a home.

I guess I'm suggesting that while we're all focusing on the person with dementia, we lose sight of the fact that the partner is just as much of a victim of it - possibly even more so. But being of "that generation", they probably won't ask for or accept the help, out of shame and embarrassment.
		
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Very good post .
Sums up a lot my dad went through.
He had to hide all the knives, as my mild mannered mum threatened him every day.
What a horrible time for him. And others in this place.


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## clubchamp98 (May 18, 2021)

Lord Tyrion said:



			Every case is individual but it is interesting how many have distinct similarities. We are at a similar point to @Tashyboy right now, maybe marginally slightly further advanced but not by much. I smiled at the tablets comment. This was a major issue for us, still is. He just leaves her to take them. She might, she might not, she might take a weeks worth in one go, she might flush them. My wife found them on the carpet numerous times. Drove us nuts.

We finally managed to convince my FiL to put MiL into respite last week. He found 100 reasons not to but ultimately accepted it. He went to visit and came back saying it was useless and not for her. 'Why?' was the question asked. 'Well I asked her all of these questinos and she couldn't answer any of them. She just looked at me blankly' She has advanced dementia . 5 or so years into this and he has still not learned a single thing. Anyway, my wife went in to visit her. She came back beaming. He mum was full of smiles, she was clean, her clothes were clean, she was alert, the careers showed her the artwork they had done together, pointed out the jobs around the home she had helped with (MiL was a profilic house cleaner in the day, washer up etc). MiL said nothing about wanting to leave, showed none of her usual anxiety triggers. She was happy, therefore my wife was happy. She was picked up on Friday, all smiles when my wife arrived. The week could not have gone better.

Second night back and MiL gets up in the night, climbs into the bath, no water thankfully, but can't get out. FiL gets a neighbour to come around to help get her out. He has finally accepted that she needs to go in to a home full time now. He is baulking at the cost, despite all of the explanations about what they can take, when it stops  etc. He has the money but he wants to be the richest man in the graveyard. My wife is now negotiating with him as to which home she goes into and when. Ideally it will be the one that worked so well for respite and within the next week or so. This is not knee jerk, it was necessary 12 months ago but it has taken this long to get the FiL to see sense. All of the recent posts about problems of partners ticked every box for what we have been through.

When she goes in it will be a huge weight lifted. She will be looked after properly and be safe for the first time in a long time. FiL will be able to resume his life without this pulling him down. Their kids, my wife etc, will be less tense and worried.

We checked out various homes, all were happy to open their doors, and have gone for the one that ticked the boxes for us / her. Anyone looking, don't be afraid to check out as many as you want. You can always move your relative but ideally they will settle in home number 1 and life becomes easier. And breathe..........
		
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Nice post and things seem to be going better.
Just one word of caution from me to you.
When my mum died she had dementia and my dad was her full time carer.
He was the main problem with her care etc.
Long story short.
It’s a massive shock when one goes into a home and your FIL might seem ok at first but the lonely ness of a empty house and filling his day will be lost.
You need to make sure he has regular contact as much as possible to make sure his transgression to being alone is monitored.
It’s the one thing my dad admitted to me how lonely he was when his front door was shut.


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## Lord Tyrion (May 18, 2021)

clubchamp98 said:



			Nice post and things seem to be going better.
Just one word of caution from me to you.
When my mum died she had dementia and my dad was her full time carer.
He was the main problem with her care etc.
Long story short.
It’s a massive shock when one goes into a home and your FIL might seem ok at first but the lonely ness of a empty house and filling his day will be lost.
You need to make sure he has regular contact as much as possible to make sure his transgression to being alone is monitored.
It’s the one thing my dad admitted to me how lonely he was when his front door was shut.
		
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It's a very good point and one that we are conscious of. He is a tough person to like at times but my wife and I have had this discussion already and we will be putting smiles on our faces and involve him in things in addition to what he would normally have done.


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## Lord Tyrion (May 20, 2021)

A big step forward but a slightly odd point. MiL is booked to go in full time from 1st June. It's been a battle but we are nearly there. It will be real weight off when she finally goes in. She has been falling recently, not good.

When she went in for respite she had to take a pcr test and then had free reign aroundthe home. Going in full time she will have to isolate for 14 days when she goes in. I don't understand the difference and why?


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## clubchamp98 (May 20, 2021)

Lord Tyrion said:



			A big step forward but a slightly odd point. MiL is booked to go in full time from 1st June. It's been a battle but we are nearly there. It will be real weight off when she finally goes in. She has been falling recently, not good.

When she went in for respite she had to take a pcr test and then had free reign aroundthe home. Going in full time she will have to isolate for 14 days when she goes in. I don't understand the difference and why?
		
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That sounds strange.
And illogical.


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## Lord Tyrion (May 20, 2021)

clubchamp98 said:



			That sounds strange.
And illogical.
		
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Our thoughts as well. The email stipulating this came through too late to speak to them today. My wife will ring them first thing in the morning to clarify. It will be disappointing if it is the case.


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## Tashyboy (May 20, 2021)

Lord Tyrion said:



			A big step forward but a slightly odd point. MiL is booked to go in full time from 1st June. It's been a battle but we are nearly there. It will be real weight off when she finally goes in. She has been falling recently, not good.

When she went in for respite she had to take a pcr test and then had free reign aroundthe home. Going in full time she will have to isolate for 14 days when she goes in. I don't understand the difference and why?
		
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Talking to the expert ( Missis Tash ) who called the Covid problems in nursing homes before it happened and she cannot for the life of her understand why.


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## Piece (May 21, 2021)

Piece said:



			My Dad is being discharged from hospital tomorrow. He is going direct to a local home as the medical and care needs have agreed, thankfully, that going home isn't viable for him or my Mum. She is relieved on one hand but crippled with emotional guilt on the other. I am relieved for all.

Now the next step in the journey is around duration of stay and funding. I think he's there for a fully paid six weeks if I understand correct, with a figure of £1,400 a week quoted, to finally assess his needs and care package. As this is new for us with no experience, I'm after any guidance from you guys about what are the options *after* the six weeks. I guess they means test my Dad's income to see if he can pay all, most, little or none of his care going forward. He is not well off at all, thus it should be little or none. But I don't know what the NHS or whoever has the purse-strings will be able to pay or what's their set limit. I have it in my head they will pay a set percentage/amount (e.g. £1000), then the rest of the care comes out of his pension, savings, benefits, etc.?

Anyone who has an info, I would appreciate it. I just want to ensure that we cover all the bases and that we are not missing out on any entitlement or support to make the process easier. There's lots of resources and info about; it's just piecing it all together to get the right informed outcome. The Beacon website has been very valuable.

Cheers
		
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An update on our side.

Dad is now just over 2.5 weeks into his new care home. He is there for six weeks in total, then is extremely likely to stay there, with the question of who is funding what. That will be decided in the next few weeks. Mum and my sister have visited and are pleased with the place and he seems happy there. He's enjoying the female attention . I haven't visited yet due to work and home commitments. Overall, things are good and importantly I feel my Mum is living a better life. She still has to go through the mental "transformation" of Dad not ever coming home, but outwardly, I've seen snippets of her old self - as someone else has put above, just don't know what is happening behind the closed door at home though. For other family members, it has taken the pressure off immensely knowing that he is ok and well looked after, and that my Mum is better because of it. Let's see what the next few weeks bring.


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## Tashyboy (May 21, 2021)

Missis T has had 5 phone calls today from her dad. He don’t recognise his wife. The day has not been helped by the fact that someone has broken into his caravan ( and 9 others last night) Looking to rob them. Fortunately we emptied it a couple of weeks ago ready for selling. He has said he desperately needs help, he needs to see someone.It was pointed out he has been seeing someone. In fact he has seen several people.  He cannot remember.


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## Robster59 (Jun 2, 2021)

An update.  Sorry if it seems a bit long but thought to get it all out in the one post.

We took the Father in Law into the Care Home on Saturday.  That wasn't easy.  We didn't tell him about it till Thursday and then the head of the Care Home came to talk to him on the Friday to explain more about the home.  He wasn't happy at first, understandably, but I think there was almost an acceptance.  So my missus helped him with his packing, and we took him over on Saturday afternoon (I cancelled my golf as a result, the ultimate sacrifice!).  We couldn't take him inside due to Covid restrictions so had to drop him at the door.  We checked up later in the afternoon to see how he was getting on, and they said he was settling in OK.  We did get a call from the home on Saturday evening as he wanted to know when we were coming around, and he needed the call to settle down.
We kept in contact with the home over the weekend and they said he was fine, had got into a routine, made a couple of friends so they would spend their time chatting (the good thing about dementia is you can talk all you like one day, come back the next day having forgotten it all and start all over again ).  The home recommended we keep away so he could settle in.
We went round to see him today not know exactly what would be the situation with him but on the whole he seemed to be doing well.  He moaned about the fact that he used to be active, and now he's there.  We pointed out to him that for the last 18 months he had just been in a room watching TV and he was meeting a lot more people and getting more interaction which he grudgingly admitted to.  He did say the staff were great and he now hardly spends any time in his room.  He gets himself up ready for breakfast by 8:30 and overall seems to have accepted that this is where he will be living from now on.
One thing that did upset my other half was he kept asking how Alan was.  When we asked who he meant by Alan, it turns out he meant his Grandson Geoff.  Now his grandson is the apple of his eye so that did upset her but she had to hold it in till he went back indoors.  I did say that taking a separate look at him now, you realise his condition.  When you're tied up in the moment, you know the issues as you have to deal with them.  But then seeing the nurse come out to look after him and take him back in, it hit home a little more.
We were there about half an hour, and then we had to go as they were having a barbecue.  Tomorrow they're having a piper, and they seem to have all sorts of activities to keep them stimulated.
On a slightly sad side note, I was sat outside chatting to him and they brought out another patient who I recognised as a former member and past captain of my club.  It shocked me a little.  I knew he had dementia issues, but I didn't know he was also staying there.  And also to see the wives and husbands of the patients who visit to meet the person they knew but isn't there anymore.
All-in-all, seeing him there now it just confirms we have made the right decision.  He's in a place where he gets 24/7 care and more stimulation than we could ever have provided.  Guilt is still there from Mrs Robster but that's understandable.  But in reality, I think this will be so much better for him than being stuck in on his own.


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## Lord Tyrion (Jun 2, 2021)

Strong post @Robster59 , there is real feeling in it. You have nailed it with your last paragraph. Hopefully you are able to let out a big sigh and start to reclaim your lives, with a very clear conscience to boot.


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## RichA (Jun 2, 2021)

You and your family will be your only critics. Don't judge yourselves harshly - your actions should prove to be vastly life improving for your father-in-law and all of you.
It's hard, but as long as you're allowed to visit, work hard to keep it jolly. Plan what you'll do, talk about, take with you. Don't be afraid to put some music on and just be with him, being uplifting.
And when you leave, just go to the loo or the shop and don't come back. A hug and a goodbye will make it harder.
In my limited experience, dementia sufferers moods last way beyond their memory of why they are in that mood, be it good or bad.


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## arnieboy (Jun 2, 2021)

Robster- your experience mirrors exactly what my wife and I went through. The guilt will fade once you come to appreciate that you both did your best and that he is now in a place more suited to his needs.


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## Robster59 (Jun 2, 2021)

Thanks everyone. 
With that big long tome I wrote, I forgot to add that after we dropped him off we went to sit outside a café for something to eat and drink.  It was the first time since I can't remember when that we have not had to be looking at our watches and worry about getting back.  Our time is once again our own.  We will be moving out of this house now as it's just too big for us so after a couple of days of chilling we have started the big clear-out.
You do get conditioned to the caring though.  You wake up at the same time that I used to wake up to give him his pills.  You still look if you hear a noise from his granny flat.  You still think "oh it's time to get Bill's breakfast/lunch/tea".
And now all the legal stuff starts.  I've just cancelled his own phone line as he wanted the broadband for BT Sport, but most of the rest is sitting with my other half as she has the power of attorney.  She has to sort out the legal and money side, arrange payments to the care home (that's about £1200 a week), fight with the tosser on social services who thinks we should have put in a home care package for him (he's well beyond that as he needs someone looking after him 24/7, not just popping in a few times a day).  We, and the care home manager, think he's just doing all this to reduce the amount he has to give out in support.  He's not made any friends with use, the care home or his doctor.  But we'll sort it.
So it's not all over yet, but we're now entering a different chapter.


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## Lord Tyrion (Jun 2, 2021)

On a theme to what @RichA posted, when my wife went in to see her mum recently she bought 2 rubbish womens magazines. She brought them out and her mum went through each one with an oo and an ah. I very much doubt that she knew who the people were but it didn't matter. They were a talking point, something to occupy her. After a while she then stood up and said that she was finished, 'did you have somewhere to go?', and then walked off to her room . In her case she is happy to have things going on around her, she doesn't always need to be involved. If you do want to involve her then you need to think what will grab her, not will interest us. She used to be an estate agent and loved trawling through the regional house selling section in the paper at a weekend. She would read it out to us back then so now it is an absolute slam dunk.

In essence, don't get hung up on entertaining the person you are going to visit with a fascinating monologue. Simply being there is the thing and they are not going to judge you based on the quality of your chat. The music idea is a cracker, I will suggest that to my wife .

@Robster59 couldn't agree more regarding social services. Utterly useless in our experience as well, along with the allotted person who is responsbile for dementia in our area. The health service and systems do not deal well with this illness.


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## RichA (Jun 2, 2021)

The social worker became our best friend and advocate when they realised that mum's care might be fully funded by the NHS. Before that, when dad was caring for mum at home, nothing. 
A word of warning about magazines, newspapers, books and photographs - there might come a time when your relative lacks the memory to finish reading a sentence or the ability to recognise loved ones in photos. At that point, with mum, they became a source of upset and stress. Up until the day she became unresponsive, music still provided some pleasure.


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## clubchamp98 (Jun 2, 2021)

RichA said:



			The social worker became our best friend and advocate when they realised that mum's care might be fully funded by the NHS. Before that, when dad was caring for mum at home, nothing.
A word of warning about magazines, newspapers, books and photographs - there might come a time when your relative lacks the memory to finish reading a sentence or the ability to recognise loved ones in photos. At that point, with mum, they became a source of upset and stress. Up until the day she became unresponsive, music still provided some pleasure.
		
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Yes my mum could not remember what she had for dinner.
But put a Nat King Cole song on and she was singing along knew all the words.
Strange thing.


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## Deleted member 16999 (Jun 14, 2021)

Another poem, not Dementia, but the words just resonated with me.


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## Piece (Jun 15, 2021)

Today is the day I see my Dad in his care home for the first time. I haven't seen him for a few months, not since he was taken from his home to hospital and then to straight to the care home. I am looking forward to it, but on the other hand, I'm not. Will he know me? What will he look like? Who knows. The key thing is that I'm going and he's in the right place.


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## RichA (Jun 15, 2021)

Piece said:



			Today is the day I see my Dad in his care home for the first time. I haven't seen him for a few months, not since he was taken from his home to hospital and then to straight to the care home. I am looking forward to it, but on the other hand, I'm not. Will he know me? What will he look like? Who knows. The key thing is that I'm going and he's in the right place.
		
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Good luck man. Manage your expectations. Arrive jolly. Enjoy the time together. Leave him jolly.


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## clubchamp98 (Jun 15, 2021)

Piece said:



			Today is the day I see my Dad in his care home for the first time. I haven't seen him for a few months, not since he was taken from his home to hospital and then to straight to the care home. I am looking forward to it, but on the other hand, I'm not. Will he know me? What will he look like? Who knows. The key thing is that I'm going and he's in the right place.
		
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Take a few things with you.
Things he liked to do from years ago.
It stirs the memories.
My mum liked dark chocolate I took her some every time I saw her.


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## Piece (Jun 15, 2021)

Piece said:



			Today is the day I see my Dad in his care home for the first time. I haven't seen him for a few months, not since he was taken from his home to hospital and then to straight to the care home. I am looking forward to it, but on the other hand, I'm not. Will he know me? What will he look like? Who knows. The key thing is that I'm going and he's in the right place.
		
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It was a good visit. He recognised my Mum and me without prompting. We brought in a Watford plate he liked, plus his old Sylvester the cat toy. He knew where he was and was happy to listen. He thanked us for coming in.

Thanks for the good words chaps.


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## Robster59 (Jun 23, 2021)

Just a small update about the Father in Law.  He's now been in for just short of a month and seems to be accepting this is where he is.  He says the nursing staff are great, and they look after him really well.  He looks well, and he's getting the complete care that he really needs.  Mentally you can see he's not really all there, but you can still have limited conversations with him, although he's at that stage where the conversation does come back round again as he forgets we've talked about it before.
We took him out for a drive on Sunday which he really enjoyed, but as we were taking him back to the home I could see him getting emotional, and he gave me as close to a hug as he's ever given me.  The other half said he had tears in his eyes when he was going in.  Not, I think, because he's badly treated but for the last 20 years he's been living with us and now only sees us twice a week.  
It's hard, but I would say we have done what is best both for him and us.


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## Lord Tyrion (Jun 23, 2021)

Robster59 said:



			Just a small update about the Father in Law.  He's now been in for just short of a month and seems to be accepting this is where he is.  He says the nursing staff are great, and they look after him really well.  He looks well, and he's getting the complete care that he really needs.  Mentally you can see he's not really all there, but you can still have limited conversations with him, although he's at that stage where the conversation does come back round again as he forgets we've talked about it before.
We took him out for a drive on Sunday which he really enjoyed, but as we were taking him back to the home I could see him getting emotional, and he gave me as close to a hug as he's ever given me.  The other half said he had tears in his eyes when he was going in.  Not, I think, because he's badly treated but for the last 20 years he's been living with us and now only sees us twice a week. 
It's hard, but I would say we have done what is best both for him and us.
		
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How are you and your wife finding your new found freedom? Does it feel weird or are you managing to enjoy it?


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## Robster59 (Jun 23, 2021)

Lord Tyrion said:



			How are you and your wife finding your new found freedom? Does it feel weird or are you managing to enjoy it?
		
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Still getting used to it. The next step now is to get the house ready for sale. It's too big for the two of us so there's still lots going on. She's still very stressed and is off work at the moment.


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## Tashyboy (Jun 24, 2021)

.me and Missis T have had a good few days away. Her phone had not stopped ringing from her father. He is a lot better but he cannot find his wife ( who is sat in the house) to tell her. His words.
Daughter called us to say she spoke to Missis Ts mum.  FIL feels he is ready to drive again. Car is sat on drive and his psychiatrist feels it is OK to sit there.


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## Robster59 (Jun 24, 2021)

Tashyboy said:



			.me and Missis T have had a good few days away. Her phone had not stopped ringing from her father. He is a lot better but he cannot find his wife ( who is sat in the house) to tell her. His words.
Daughter called us to say she spoke to Missis Ts mum.  FIL feels he is ready to drive again. Car is sat on drive and his psychiatrist feels it is OK to sit there.
		
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That surprises me that he says that's ok. I can't remember. Has his licence been taken away? We got the doctor to take away our FiLs licence and even though he's in a home he still thinks he could drive again. 
I do feel for you as even a planned few days break can't be relaxing in that situation.


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## Tashyboy (Jun 25, 2021)

Robster59 said:



			That surprises me that he says that's ok. I can't remember. Has his licence been taken away? We got the doctor to take away our FiLs licence and even though he's in a home he still thinks he could drive again.
I do feel for you as even a planned few days break can't be relaxing in that situation.
		
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He has defffo had his licence taken away but he has forgot. But he feels ready to drive. Missis T had another 3 phone calls after i posted last night.


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## Robster59 (Jul 12, 2021)

Another update on my Father-in-Law.  He's now totally settled into his care home, and we see him a couple of times a week and take him out in the car once every 1 or 2 weeks.  He's very well looked after, the staff all seem fantastic, and he's actually looking really well, although mentally you can really see him deteriorating.  So he is definitely in the best place for him.  

The other interesting challenge has been cancelling his phone, mobile and alarm service.  All were told on the day of his moving into the care home, but amazingly we still got bills!  We had to produce a letter from the Care Home for O2 to prove he wasn't moving to another provider but definitely going into a Care Home.  It's funny that when they want you to sign up for them, it can be done in a few minutes.  When you want to cancel, it's a totally different challenge.  Twice now I've asked for the FiL's personal alarm to be taken back, which it hasn't, and now we've received a bill for the service.  Lots of these organisations just don't talk to each other. 

For the Social Worker who has been assigned to us, my other half has put in a complaint as to his behaviour.  He was making judgements with no background, trying to force 24 hour care on us (to save funding) and when he came to see her last time (the first time he had come around actually), he saw the granny flat he was living in and asked her if we were going to rent it out!  He was asking some totally unnecessary questions and after the meeting my missus called the office to register a formal complaint and say she would not deal with him again.  She spoke to his line manager and made a formal complaint to him and explained all the questions he was asking.  Everyone who met this person (Doctor, Head of the Care Home as well as ourselves) also took a dislike to him as he seemed more concerned about the costs than the patient. 

My missus is off with stress at the moment and I have to tread carefully as you never quite know what might tip her over.  I can understand why so all I can do is try to support her as best I can.

My next challenge is dealing with my brother about my Mum who is 97, nearly 98.  I went to see her last week for the first time in 18 months and whilst physically OK she is mentally getting worse.  She is still only getting carers around once a day, and we said to my brother that needs to be upped.  He says he asked Mum, but she doesn't want strangers in her house.  I said to him that she is now at a stage where she needs to be advised as to what is happening, not just asked.  I know from dealing with my FiL that the one thing people in that condition want, is for the next day to be the same as the last.  They don't like change, so you have to really take a stronger position for their own good.  That will be more difficult as making by brother change his mind from 200 miles away is going to be a real challenge.  I'm going to ask for the details of Mum's social worker and speak to them direct as I don't think my brother is in a good mental place at the moment. 

All interesting times!


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## Tashyboy (Jul 12, 2021)

Don’t really know where to start.
FiL agreed to sell the caravan. 3 months later than he should of done. Anyway it kicked off big style when a company turned up to take the van away for a window repair. He was in my face shouting, effin amd jeffin “that no ones taking his van away“. No one has told him ( his words) don’t know how many times he had been told. Eventually it went. Received a phone call an hour later off MiL re the company that repaired the window were interested in buying the caravan. Not now, it is riddled with damp. Yet according to in laws it’s mint condition.
I went a couple of weeks ago and he has a 13kg gas bottle that has gas in it. He wants rid. I said I would take it away if it’s a problem, I could use it on me BBQ. “ how much is it worth” was the reply from in laws. I chased around and said brand new it’s £38 Refill. I said “ look if you want rid al give you £20”. I was reminded it’s got gas in. Missis T, and sis in law went mad. Sis in law told in laws that Tash runs round like a twat for you and you want £20 off him. It bogged me off they were looking for a bit more off me by involving sis in law. After that they rang there son to say “ someone has offered £20”. They did not mention me. bro in law said get rid, it gets rid of a problem.So they rang and said “ it’s your for £20. Missis T went ballistic. Bro in law is seething. He gave FIL a £400 greenhouse and we built it for nowt. He paid nowt. Missis T ordered me a gas bottle from a supplier.
Missis T is livid with her mum.
Me and Missis Ts sisters husband have told them both we are taking a backward step. We are not here to be abused. Me and bro in law are of the ilk that one day soon FIL will end up hitting someone. We don’t mind Helping and getting involved but MIL acts like she is paralysed from the neck down and does nowt.
Me and Missis T have had a cracking couple of days in Derbyshire. Saturday night for a wedding.. Today is her birthday. The phone has rang 3 times today re the caravan being dropped off tomorrow. Her mum who lives in the same village has posted her birthday card coz Missis T could not pick it up. She rang last Friday for our address. We have live here 29 years in the same bloody village.
FIL will get the support he needs from family for the foreseeable future but MiL is burning a lot of bridges.


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## Lord Tyrion (Jul 12, 2021)

Tough read @Tashyboy . Is your MiL okay or is it just how she is? I guess I am asking could she have issues as well that explains how she is behaving towards you? Very sad, it's sad whichever way, if not and this is just how she treats you all.

We have just been away for a weekend in N. Yorkshire with another couple. Lovely break, it's been great for my wife to get away. Last night she had a phone call from her dad moaning about everything, it's his hobby, and this morning a call from her sister moaning about the care home the MiL is in and what is my wife going to do about it. All the good work of the weekend gone in minutes . Families...........

On the upside, similar to @Robster59 MiL has been in her care home for about 4 weeks now. Settled instantly, she is clean, hair brushed, clean clothes, eating, drinking, not stressed. Soooooo much better for all concerned, her especially. Anyone thinking about putting someone with dementia into a home, stop thinking and do it.


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## Tashyboy (Jul 12, 2021)

It’s just how she is LT. It is how she has always been. Bloody useless hits the nail on the head. Missis T was telling everyone last week I was upset with how the FIL was towards me. I wasn’t upset I was bloody livid and it took all my will power to stop myself from losing it. Bro in law does not need an excuse to have hold of him after he gave his wife a slapping years ago. That’s another story. 
Missis T rang  her mum to say she will be taking them for when the caravan is returned. Her Mum never even said happy birthday. Cannot tell you Missis Ts thoughts.  Missis  T has txt everyone to say thanks for pressies. Her dad replied saying “Happy Birthday”.
He sent another Txt saying “ love you”. Immediately he sent another  saying “ tell your mother I love her as well”. She is sat at the side of her and he don’t recognise her.
The caravan guy said the caravan is riddled with damp, I had a good natter with him. He said it is good for spares, repairs and growing mushrooms. That’s gonna go down really well tomorrow.


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## Piece (Aug 2, 2021)

Saw my Dad a few days ago with one of my sisters. He wasn't looking great all, barely able to move or function.

Today, I got the message he had passed away peacefully. 😢

RIP Dad x


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## Tashyboy (Aug 2, 2021)

Piece said:



			Saw my Dad a few days ago with one of my sisters. He wasn't looking great all, barely able to move or function.

Today, I got the message he had passed away peacefully. 😢

RIP Dad x
		
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Last week has been a week to forget re FIL.
Thoughts with you me man.


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## IanM (Aug 2, 2021)

Sad to hear mate.... getting old is no good, and the alternative isnt much better.


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## Deleted member 16999 (Aug 2, 2021)

Piece said:



			Saw my Dad a few days ago with one of my sisters. He wasn't looking great all, barely able to move or function.

Today, I got the message he had passed away peacefully. 😢

RIP Dad x
		
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Sorry for your loss mate.


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## GreiginFife (Aug 2, 2021)

Piece said:



			Saw my Dad a few days ago with one of my sisters. He wasn't looking great all, barely able to move or function.

Today, I got the message he had passed away peacefully. 😢

RIP Dad x
		
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Sorry to hear that man. Condolences to you and the family.


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## arnieboy (Aug 2, 2021)

That's very sad, sending my condolences.


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## Lord Tyrion (Aug 2, 2021)

Sadly there is no upside to any ending in this thread. Best wishes at this tough time @Piece


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## williamalex1 (Aug 2, 2021)

IanM said:



			Sad to hear mate.... getting old is no good, and the alternative isnt much better.
		
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Tell me more, now I can't spend my money.


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## Tashyboy (Aug 2, 2021)

Lord Tyrion said:



			Sadly there is no upside to any ending in this thread. Best wishes at this tough time @Piece

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As ave mentioned last week wasn't good at all. Your post unfortunately sums it up all to perfectly. Al post when am chilled re FIL.


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## toyboy54 (Aug 2, 2021)

williamalex1 said:



			Tell me more, now I can't spend my money.
		
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I'll be delighted to help you in this endeavour
Catch you later big fella!


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## toyboy54 (Aug 2, 2021)

Robster--How's your wife doing? Has she managed to put the council (k)nob out of her mind yet?
I could suggest ( in a purely jocular fashion, of course) that you bring his details with you-you know, just in case I need to talk to him about a course in attitude adjustment before he comes to visit SWMBO and I to talk about options, should ( God forbid ) we need to speak  to ERDC ( same council as you? )
Absolutely no excuses for his behaviour. wonder how he'd be if if it was him??


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## Tashyboy (Aug 2, 2021)

So Friday night I took me pate ts out for a pub meal. Dad's 85th. I won't see them for a couple of weeks so they get to go out under my watchful covid eye. Plan was to be in bed before 10 pm so I was rested before an early drive down south.
That went tits up when MIL called when I was taking parents home. It was hands free in car and MIL was hysterical " hes hit me, he's hit me". We got there asap. He was adamant never hit his wife but another woman, but he now realises it was his wife.  Missis T told him we point blank you dont hit any woman. Social services were called by missis T. Problem is they called MIL today when we are away. Once more she plays it down.
Missis T although on a week's break is bloody livid.


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## toyboy54 (Aug 2, 2021)

Jesus H.....Tashy you and your missus are going through what I'm only allowed to call HELL
Don't know what to say to you except, that you are a much bigger man than I could be!
Stay strong


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## Lord Tyrion (Aug 3, 2021)

Tashy, I'm sure Mrs Tash is doing this already but do your best to speak to social services and others directly as much as you can. If you can build a relationship with them, explain the reality to them and then they will start to deal with you more. We got to that point and we then managed to accelerate things much better. Your MiL will still need to be involved but at least the people concerned will get a much clearer picture of what is happening and what is needed. Apologies if this is already happening. 

Best of luck, blimey you are having a rough one.


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## Tashyboy (Aug 3, 2021)

Lord Tyrion said:



			Tashy, I'm sure Mrs Tash is doing this already but do your best to speak to social services and others directly as much as you can. If you can build a relationship with them, explain the reality to them and then they will start to deal with you more. We got to that point and we then managed to accelerate things much better. Your MiL will still need to be involved but at least the people concerned will get a much clearer picture of what is happening and what is needed. Apologies if this is already happening.

Best of luck, blimey you are having a rough one.
		
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Only really scratching the surface. Me mum and dad who was in car when phone went. Mum.daid " we will come with you". She only wants to come to be nosey. Me dad understands what's going off and insisted we ring later to make sure we're OK. We did. Me mum insisted on talking to me and the first thing she said was " well did he hit her" . I was seething.
It has been aaaranged to have a second drugs assessment in 3 weeks why?
He is past drugs help..
Bro in law said he rang me and didn't know who his wife is. Missis T said she has 2 to 3 calls a night saying that. He didn't know.


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## Lord Tyrion (Aug 3, 2021)

Tashyboy said:



			Only really scratching the surface. Me mum and dad who was in car when phone went. Mum.daid " we will come with you". She only wants to come to be nosey. Me dad understands what's going off and insisted we ring later to make sure we're OK. We did. Me mum insisted on talking to me and the first thing she said was " well did he hit her" . I was seething.
It has been aaaranged to have a second drugs assessment in 3 weeks why?
He is past drugs help..
Bro in law said he rang me and didn't know who his wife is. Missis T said she has 2 to 3 calls a night saying that. He didn't know.
		
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It's a battle that most of us seem to have to fight in this situation. You can see what is happening, what is needed, the partner of the person with dementia refuses to. It must be hugely draining, and frustrating for Mrs T, also for you watching what it is doing to her. Hopefully you can persuade your MiL to put him into a home sooner rather than later. If he is hitting your MiL then I don't see the alternative at this stage.


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## clubchamp98 (Aug 3, 2021)

The violence is really common, more than we think.
This is the really scary stage where you just hope nobody gets hurt before SS make a decision.
Unfortunately they still take the spouses word and can’t/ won’t overrule it.
My dad hid all the knives because my mum threatened him with one.!
Feel for your Mrs and you.


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## Tashyboy (Aug 3, 2021)

Lord Tyrion said:



			It's a battle that most of us seem to have to fight in this situation. You can see what is happening, what is needed, the partner of the person with dementia refuses to. It must be hugely draining, and frustrating for Mrs T, also for you watching what it is doing to her. Hopefully you can persuade your MiL to put him into a home sooner rather than later. If he is hitting your MiL then I don't see the alternative at this stage.
		
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I made a point to Missis Ts sister last week..one I had picked up on here..dont wait until something serious  happens before you look at putting him into care. It did not go down to well.
I started typing this out this morning. Since then her best mate from work sent a message saying his dad passed away yesterday so she has had half and hour on the phone with him. During that time her dad rang numerous times. On a positive the roads are not busy.


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## Robster59 (Aug 9, 2021)

Piece said:



			Saw my Dad a few days ago with one of my sisters. He wasn't looking great all, barely able to move or function.

Today, I got the message he had passed away peacefully. 😢

RIP Dad x
		
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So sorry to hear that.  I've been away and not had the chance to come on here so apologies for the late response.


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## Robster59 (Aug 9, 2021)

toyboy54 said:



			Robster--How's your wife doing? Has she managed to put the council (k)nob out of her mind yet?
I could suggest ( in a purely jocular fashion, of course) that you bring his details with you-you know, just in case I need to talk to him about a course in attitude adjustment before he comes to visit SWMBO and I to talk about options, should ( God forbid ) we need to speak  to ERDC ( same council as you? )
Absolutely no excuses for his behaviour. wonder how he'd be if if it was him??
		
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She's not too bad thanks.  She was very stressed leading up to us going on holiday (our first for nearly two years).  However, the weather was good in the main, we got to see my son and it finished up as a nice relaxing holiday.  While we were away we got a message from Social Services that we had been granted the full amount we're entitled to, backdated to the beginning of July.  It only covers about 6th of the monthly fee, but it's a help.  We've not heard anything from the berk who dealt with us after she complained and said she wouldn't speak to him again. Especially after he asked if we were going to rent out his grandad flat now he was gone! Before that he told her that he shouldn't go into the home till he had spoken to the FIL, even though we are self-funding.  Git! I think from what my missus said, his boss wasn't impressed when she spoke to him.
It was ERDC so the main thing in all this is stand firm.  Make sure you have your facts in place and know where you stand so they don't try to force you down a route you don't want to.


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## Robster59 (Aug 9, 2021)

Tashyboy said:



			Only really scratching the surface. Me mum and dad who was in car when phone went. Mum.daid " we will come with you". She only wants to come to be nosey. Me dad understands what's going off and insisted we ring later to make sure we're OK. We did. Me mum insisted on talking to me and the first thing she said was " well did he hit her" . I was seething.
It has been aaaranged to have a second drugs assessment in 3 weeks why?
He is past drugs help..
Bro in law said he rang me and didn't know who his wife is. Missis T said she has 2 to 3 calls a night saying that. He didn't know.
		
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It's hard as unless you are actually closely involved with a situation such as this, you don't really understand the pressure and issues that come from it.  I've seen many a TV article on carers, and you feel for the person but until you are actually involved yourself, I don't really think that people fully understand the mental and physical stress that comes with caring for someone.  Until your situation is resolved, you will continue to be getting the calls, the stress, the worries.  I imagine you must be dreading it every time a phone rings.  All I can suggest is just keep working to try and get support for putting him into a home better suited to his needs. 
I saw my son when I was on holiday last week, he had been in to see my Mum and we both agreed that she should be in a home.  But my brother who is the main person as he lives near, is hiding his head in the sand.  I said to my lad I will probably be calling on him to back me up to try and get something resolved.  I'm going to speak to social services separate to my brother as I may find they might say their attempts to get more assistance are being blocked by him.


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## Tashyboy (Aug 9, 2021)

I


Robster59 said:



			It's hard as unless you are actually closely involved with a situation such as this, you don't really understand the pressure and issues that come from it.  I've seen many a TV article on carers, and you feel for the person but until you are actually involved yourself, I don't really think that people fully understand the mental and physical stress that comes with caring for someone.  Until your situation is resolved, you will continue to be getting the calls, the stress, the worries.  I imagine you must be dreading it every time a phone rings.  All I can suggest is just keep working to try and get support for putting him into a home better suited to his needs.
I saw my son when I was on holiday last week, he had been in to see my Mum and we both agreed that she should be in a home.  But my brother who is the main person as he lives near, is hiding his head in the sand.  I said to my lad I will probably be calling on him to back me up to try and get something resolved.  I'm going to speak to social services separate to my brother as I may find they might say their attempts to get more assistance are being blocked by him.
		
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MiL got a phone call.whilst we were away last Monday. Bottom line, they are looking at getting FIL into some kind of respite care 1 day a week at the moment with them both going to groups that deal with dementia/ alziemers. This has been mentioned before but MIL has not chased it up when suggested to her.


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## Lord Tyrion (Aug 9, 2021)

Tashyboy said:



			I

MiL got a phone call.whilst we were away last Monday. Bottom line, they are looking at getting FIL into some kind of respite care 1 day a week at the moment with them both going to groups that deal with dementia/ alziemers. This has been mentioned before but MIL has not chased it up when suggested to her.
		
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We found up here that respite care was only available for a minimum 1 week stay, where available at all. You may have more provision but bear in mind, particularly in a covid era, you may not get exactly what you want. A degree of flexibility may be needed.

In all honesty, 1 day is barely respite but I appreciate it may be a case of baby steps.


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## Tashyboy (Aug 9, 2021)

Lord Tyrion said:



			We found up here that respite care was only available for a minimum 1 week stay, where available at all. You may have more provision but bear in mind, particularly in a covid era, you may not get exactly what you want. A degree of flexibility may be needed.

In all honesty, 1 day is barely respite but I appreciate it may be a case of baby steps.
		
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I hope it is just a start. Been out of the loop the last 10 days With jols..normal service resumes on Wednesday 
0 fays


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## Deleted member 16999 (Aug 9, 2021)

Lord Tyrion said:



			We found up here that respite care was only available for a minimum 1 week stay, where available at all. You may have more provision but bear in mind, particularly in a covid era, you may not get exactly what you want. A degree of flexibility may be needed.

In all honesty, 1 day is barely respite but I appreciate it may be a case of baby steps.
		
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I think it varies mate, fil went in for 2 weeks respite. That was a few years back so may of changed due to availability etc.


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## Lord Tyrion (Aug 9, 2021)

pauldj42 said:



			I think it varies mate, fil went in for 2 weeks respite. That was a few years back so may of changed due to availability etc.
		
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Very much so. We originally looked at putting my MiL in for a couple of days but soon discovered 1 week was the minimum option. No doubt it will vary from area to area, some shorter, some longer. I just wanted Tashy to be aware of that and be prepared.

Covid has messed this up as well, homes don't want as much movement as they used to for obvious reasons.


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## Robster59 (Aug 9, 2021)

Before he went in permanently, we put the FiL in for respite 2 or 3 times for various lengths.  He was a little more with-it at the time and wasn't particularly happy about going in.  Also, the home he went in to originally for respite was commercial (the one he is now is a charity) and so whilst the care was OK, I know from other people I know in the Care business that costs are always an issue.  The one he is in now is a charitable institution and they tend to have more long-term staff which means more continuity for the residents.  Even if he is only going in for a day (or a few days), do some research, visit the places, understand their ethos, as the impression they make on his first visit can have an impact on the way they view going into a home for the longer term.  I know my FiL didn't want to go back to the first home but is perfectly settled now in his new one.


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## Robster59 (Aug 10, 2021)

Interesting article here on the BBC.  Hopefully it may go some way to the detection and treatment of dementia.
Artificial Intelligence may diagnose dementia in a day


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## Tashyboy (Oct 21, 2021)

Sat watching the second episode of dementia and it’s Heartbreaking.

This year.
FIL is the same old same old With his demen 
MiL had breast removed through cancer
Mother hopefully comes out of hospital tomorrow having had Gall stones removed today.
Monday just gone. Well not one of me best days. Having spoken to Missis T I decided to talk to me dad about his memory problems. Bottom line he has started with similar symptoms to FIL a few years back. I went to the drs and made him an appointment for Monday.  I also spoke to him about stopping driving. It was heartbreaking. Me and me brother have kept an eye on them for years. Me other brother and sister have turned up and bottom line it is creating a split. Me dad has mentioned to me brother who has been helping that he has a hearing test on Monday. 
A testing few years ahead I think.


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## RichA (Oct 21, 2021)

I feel for you, brother. You'll do the right things, because you obviously care.


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## Lord Tyrion (Oct 22, 2021)

That's a heck of a conversation, hellish tough. The rest of your family being on the same hymn sheet is massive in helping you all through this. Keep well 👍


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## Tashyboy (Oct 22, 2021)

Lord Tyrion said:



			That's a heck of a conversation, hellish tough. The rest of your family being on the same hymn sheet is massive in helping you all through this. Keep well 👍
		
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Me and Missis T had four nights in Torquay last week. Me younger brother kept an eye on our parents. I kept in touch with me other bro and sis. I told them both re the conversation I was going to have with me dad re driving and dementia. He said “ leave him there’s nowt you can do anyway”. I was bloody livid. My sister came up last Saturday primarily to see me mum in hospital, but the hospital will only see one person, me mum choose me. My sister has been round to see me dad once in 7 days. I hope the dr says your dad is just old (85). happy days, but it still leaves the problem of driving.
That programme last night was heartbreaking and all to familiar. There was things mentioned on that show that has been mentioned on this forum. ☹️


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## Lord Tyrion (Oct 22, 2021)

The driving aspect is terrifying, both for them and anyone else on the road. It never ceases to amaze how casual people are about people with clear health deterioration carrying on driving when it is plain dangerous for everyone. 

Have your brothers and sister been on a dementia friends course? If not it would be worth suggesting it to them. It massively helped me understand what was happening with my MiL and how to deal with her and the illness. My FiL, 3-4 years on, wouldn't do it, still doesn't have the first idea how to speak to her, help her etc. Thankfully she is now in a care home, being looked after properly and safely.


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## Tashyboy (Oct 22, 2021)

Lord Tyrion said:



			The driving aspect is terrifying, both for them and anyone else on the road. It never ceases to amaze how casual people are about people with clear health deterioration carrying on driving when it is plain dangerous for everyone.

Have your brothers and sister been on a dementia friends course? If not it would be worth suggesting it to them. It massively helped me understand what was happening with my MiL and how to deal with her and the illness. My FiL, 3-4 years on, wouldn't do it, still doesn't have the first idea how to speak to her, help her etc. Thankfully she is now in a care home, being looked after properly and safely.
		
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Personally I don’t think either would bother going on the course. My sister has moved 70 miles away. I don’t think point blank she is interested. My elder brother, again he has moved 15 miles away and has other priorities. At the moment I think both me and my brother would be happier if they did what they do which is nothing. They told my father that they would take him out for a meal on Wednesday. He said 3 times in hospital he did not want to go as he never knew anything about it. He said “ first Ave known about it”, “ wish I had known”, “ no one told me”. They don’t understand. Like my younger brother said “ why were we not asked to go as a family anyway”. I feel a storm is brewing ☹️


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## Tashyboy (Dec 1, 2021)

So am sat here at hospital. Me dads having a hearing test. It was picked up
During a memory test that he was hard of hearing. He said he is not. It was picked up that he got a claim whilst mining for hearing loss. His response.
 “ that was back in the 80’s” 😳
Whilst bringing him Here, mum was sat in the back as well. Dropped her off at A and E. Her gall bladder has flared up again. 3 rd time in 5 weeks. FIL went to a dementia day care centre yesterday. He kicked off Bigstyle and had to be brought home. MIL wants a family meeting as he has “ to much money in the bank” and needs to get rid of some so he don’t have to pay for owt. He is only a couple of K over and the house smells of damp. It wants the render etc doing. So it can be sorted but. Once more instead of being proactive months ago and doing things we have to wait and be reactive. It’s makes dealing with the same foreseen problem 10 times harder. 
Back to me dad. 
When mum first had gall stones removed. I spoke to dad about stopping driving ( which he has done and car sold) and seeing dr re memory problems. Which he has done. I called last week to see when his assessment is re memory with a specialist. 3 months waiting list 😳
Don’t even get me started on insurance companies and claiming back there holiday costs 😖
On a positive. Hospital tea from the charity shop is cheap 😁


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## Lord Tyrion (Dec 1, 2021)

Tashyboy said:



			So am sat here at hospital. Me dads having a hearing test. It was picked up
During a memory test that he was hard of hearing. He said he is not. It was picked up that he got a claim whilst mining for hearing loss. His response.
“ that was back in the 80’s” 😳
Whilst bringing him Here, mum was sat in the back as well. Dropped her off at A and E. Her gall bladder has flared up again. 3 rd time in 5 weeks. FIL went to a dementia day care centre yesterday. He kicked off Bigstyle and had to be brought home. MIL wants a family meeting as he has “ to much money in the bank” and needs to get rid of some so he don’t have to pay for owt. He is only a couple of K over and the house smells of damp. It wants the render etc doing. So it can be sorted but. Once more instead of being proactive months ago and doing things we have to wait and be reactive. It’s makes dealing with the same foreseen problem 10 times harder.
Back to me dad.
When mum first had gall stones removed. I spoke to dad about stopping driving ( which he has done and car sold) and seeing dr re memory problems. Which he has done. I called last week to see when his assessment is re memory with a specialist. 3 months waiting list 😳
Don’t even get me started on insurance companies and claiming back there holiday costs 😖
On a positive. Hospital tea from the charity shop is cheap 😁
		
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The memory tests are guff. My MiL passed her first one, on 'a good day'. We talked the doctor through the issues but no, she passed the test. We took her again a month later and she was suddenly diagnosed . Anyone who knows someone with dementia can see the signs a mile off. You can play dementia bingo, it doesn't need a memory test. Hey ho. 

Stick in there Tashy, it's hard going and it doesn't get easier. Keep getting all the advice you can from Age UK and the Alzheimers Society, particularly when it comes to the money side of things. As you say though, at least the hospital tea is cheap


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## Robster59 (Dec 1, 2021)

Tashyboy said:



			So am sat here at hospital. Me dads having a hearing test. It was picked up
During a memory test that he was hard of hearing. He said he is not. It was picked up that he got a claim whilst mining for hearing loss. His response.
“ that was back in the 80’s” 😳
Whilst bringing him Here, mum was sat in the back as well. Dropped her off at A and E. Her gall bladder has flared up again. 3 rd time in 5 weeks. FIL went to a dementia day care centre yesterday. He kicked off Bigstyle and had to be brought home. MIL wants a family meeting as he has “ to much money in the bank” and needs to get rid of some so he don’t have to pay for owt. He is only a couple of K over and the house smells of damp. It wants the render etc doing. So it can be sorted but. Once more instead of being proactive months ago and doing things we have to wait and be reactive. It’s makes dealing with the same foreseen problem 10 times harder.
Back to me dad.
When mum first had gall stones removed. I spoke to dad about stopping driving ( which he has done and car sold) and seeing dr re memory problems. Which he has done. I called last week to see when his assessment is re memory with a specialist. 3 months waiting list 😳
Don’t even get me started on insurance companies and claiming back there holiday costs 😖
On a positive. Hospital tea from the charity shop is cheap 😁
		
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Tough and frustrating times.  Especially when there are two of them you have to deal with.  You have my sympathies.  It's a very difficult situation to manage.  Getting care can be a real challenge at times and sometimes you have to work on the old "squeaky wheel gets the grease" basis of chasing them up.  If you don't do anything, they will tend to think it's not a priority.  Are the hospital aware he has dementia?  That may move him up the waiting list.  The nurse came to the house to do the one for my Father-in-Law fairly quickly.  It was fascinating to watch in terms of how simple questions like understanding the position of hands on a watch couldn't be answered.  Obviously the tests are tailored to highlight any issues.  By the test, he was officially diagnosed as having vascular dementia.


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## Tashyboy (Dec 1, 2021)

Lord Tyrion said:



			The memory tests are guff. My MiL passed her first one, on 'a good day'. We talked the doctor through the issues but no, she passed the test. We took her again a month later and she was suddenly diagnosed . Anyone who knows someone with dementia can see the signs a mile off. You can play dementia bingo, it doesn't need a memory test. Hey ho.

Stick in there Tashy, it's hard going and it doesn't get easier. Keep getting all the advice you can from Age UK and the Alzheimers Society, particularly when it comes to the money side of things. As you say though, at least the hospital tea is cheap 

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If anything it’s just a time consuming day. Missis T took me mum into A and E. she got back in the car and explained a nurse and Paramedic were doing CPR on a large woman sat in front of a car. She was to large to get out. If that wasn’t bad enough. Her family were stood watching the situation unfold. Sometimes Life or the loss of helps to put things into perspective.


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## Tashyboy (Dec 1, 2021)

Robster59 said:



			Tough and frustrating times.  Especially when there are two of them you have to deal with.  You have my sympathies.  It's a very difficult situation to manage.  Getting care can be a real challenge at times and sometimes you have to work on the old "squeaky wheel gets the grease" basis of chasing them up.  If you don't do anything, they will tend to think it's not a priority.  Are the hospital aware he has dementia?  That may move him up the waiting list.  The nurse came to the house to do the one for my Father-in-Law fairly quickly.  It was fascinating to watch in terms of how simple questions like understanding the position of hands on a watch couldn't be answered.  Obviously the tests are tailored to highlight any issues.  By the test, he was officially diagnosed as having vascular dementia.
		
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Re me dad. He has not yet been diagnosed. Hopefully by the end of January we will know one way or the other.  Listening to him (me dad )it is like listening to FIL about 4 yeas ago. The likeness is sadly uncanny. 
When I first got me Dad to see the gp who referred him for a memory test. I mentioned something to me dad 
( again) as I was getting in the car. He had forgot. Me mum
Did a swirling with a finger around the side of her head and said “he is gong loopy “. Me dad did not look happy. Mum Had an 8/10 Tashyboy bollocking for being a thoughtless tit.


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## Robster59 (Dec 1, 2021)

Tashyboy said:



			Re me dad. He has not yet been diagnosed. Hopefully by the end of January we will know one way or the other.  Listening to him (me dad )it is like listening to FIL about 4 yeas ago. The likeness is sadly uncanny.
When I first got me Dad to see the gp who referred him for a memory test. I mentioned something to me dad
( again) as I was getting in the car. He had forgot. Me mum
Did a swirling with a finger around the side of her head and said “he is gong loopy “. Me dad did not look happy. Mum Had an 8/10 Tashyboy bollocking for being a thoughtless tit.
		
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The slow decline into dementia is horrible for the person going through it.  They know what's happening to them, they've seen what happens to other people it has happened to, and they know there is nothing that can be done about it.  It's a black cloud on their horizon.  I know my FiL knew he was losing it and I took great care not to comment on it.  I'd hate to go through it.


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## williamalex1 (Dec 1, 2021)

It was an old pal's funeral today, Davy Strachan 86,  Professional at Bathgate GC retired many years ago.
Sadly he'd been in a care home suffering dementia for a few years. RIP.


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## stefanovic (Dec 2, 2021)

'Dementia is a big issue in sport' - Nigel Starmer-Smith's son hopes to raise awareness - BBC Sport


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## HomerJSimpson (Dec 2, 2021)

stefanovic said:



'Dementia is a big issue in sport' - Nigel Starmer-Smith's son hopes to raise awareness - BBC Sport

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Awareness can only help as I feel we're only just scratching the surface - https://www.skysports.com/more-spor...hip-to-study-links-between-sport-and-dementia


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## 4LEX (Dec 3, 2021)

williamalex1 said:



			It was an old pal's funeral today, Davy Strachan 86,  Professional at Bathgate GC retired many years ago.
Sadly he'd been in a care home suffering dementia for a few years. RIP.
		
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Sorry to hear that mate. I've got a family member in a care home with dementia and it's soul destroying seeing them now compared to how they were even just a few years ago.


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## Robster59 (Dec 13, 2021)

The Father in Law has not been too well over the weekend.  He has complained of pain whilst going to the toilet and stomach pains.  They called the doctor who prescribed antibiotics.  We got a phone call from the Care Home last night, and he has been taken into hospital overnight. Currently, he's on an IV drip, and we're hoping to go in to see him when he's moved into his ward.  At the moment the hospital is accepting visitors as long as they are fully vaccinated and tested, so at least we're covered on that. 
By all accounts he's still a bit delirious, but we've seen that before when he's had an infection.


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## williamalex1 (Dec 13, 2021)

Robster59 said:



			The Father in Law has not been too well over the weekend.  He has complained of pain whilst going to the toilet and stomach pains.  They called the doctor who prescribed antibiotics.  We got a phone call from the Care Home last night, and he has been taken into hospital overnight. Currently, he's on an IV drip, and we're hoping to go in to see him when he's moved into his ward.  At the moment the hospital is accepting visitors as long as they are fully vaccinated and tested, so at least we're covered on that.
By all accounts he's still a bit delirious, but we've seen that before when he's had an infection.
		
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🤞🙏  is all you can do now, yous have already done as much as possible.


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## Robster59 (Dec 13, 2021)

williamalex1 said:



			🤞🙏  is all you can do now, you have already done as much as possible.
		
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Thanks.  We went to see him in the hospital tonight.  He's OK but totally disoriented.  He will need to stay in hospital for a couple of nights at least for observation.  He was taken in via ambulance in the early hours of this morning and, at the moment, is still in the Immediate Assessment Unit, but they are hoping to move him to a ward this evening.  It's obviously a concern with all the Covid flying around at the moment, but we just have to keep our fingers crossed.  It hit my missus pretty hard.  She's never really got on with her Dad, but she was shocked at how wayward he was.  And we've been told that his younger brother passed away in the States this week.  They haven't spoken for years (it's that type of family ), but it's no use telling him as we think he's actually forgotten he had a brother.


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## toyboy54 (Dec 13, 2021)

Dementia-awareness; Robster59,,hope you and mrs are o.k.!
I second 'williamalex1' in that you've done all you can, it's now in other's hands!
Don't let Mrs. Robster59 blame herself in any way-family dynamics can be war at times-believe me, I speak from experience (we wrote the the book on dysfunctional)
Be strong-best wishes.....If you want an escape for a few hours then bell/drop me a line, you're always welcome


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## Tashyboy (Dec 13, 2021)

Robster59 said:



			The Father in Law has not been too well over the weekend.  He has complained of pain whilst going to the toilet and stomach pains.  They called the doctor who prescribed antibiotics.  We got a phone call from the Care Home last night, and he has been taken into hospital overnight. Currently, he's on an IV drip, and we're hoping to go in to see him when he's moved into his ward.  At the moment the hospital is accepting visitors as long as they are fully vaccinated and tested, so at least we're covered on that.
By all accounts he's still a bit delirious, but we've seen that before when he's had an infection.
		
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It’s tough, bloody tough. As I have said before.
FIL dementia and Alzheimer’.
MIL Breast removed this year and it’s not a medical term but useless.
Dad, Leukaemia, early memory loss still to be tested. now stopped driving so Tash is a taxi driver.
Mum, gall stones, gall bladder to be removed in Jan 2022. 
Nigh on full time grandparents.
This is not what retirement  said on the tin. Both me and Missis T have brothers or sisters that quite frankly are extracting the urine. Yet the ones that feel guilty are the ones flogging there tits off. 😡
up until Monday all mine and Missis Ts problems were someone else‘s problems. That’s another story. 
You and Missis Robster should not be beating yourselves up. 
One thing I have picked up on here. And I never really took it on board. How much this takes over your life and how you kind of get it back once said sufferer goes into care. 
Stay safe Mr and Missis Robster.


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## Robster59 (Dec 14, 2021)

Tashyboy said:



			It’s tough, bloody tough. As I have said before.
FIL dementia and Alzheimer’.
MIL Breast removed this year and it’s not a medical term but useless.
Dad, Leukaemia, early memory loss still to be tested. now stopped driving so Tash is a taxi driver.
Mum, gall stones, gall bladder to be removed in Jan 2022.
Nigh on full time grandparents.
This is not what retirement  said on the tin. Both me and Missis T have brothers or sisters that quite frankly are extracting the urine. Yet the ones that feel guilty are the ones flogging there tits off. 😡
up until Monday all mine and Missis Ts problems were someone else‘s problems. That’s another story.
You and Missis Robster should not be beating yourselves up.
One thing I have picked up on here. And I never really took it on board. How much this takes over your life and how you kind of get it back once said sufferer goes into care.
Stay safe Mr and Missis Robster.
		
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You're having a hell of a time of it at the moment.  For us, it was "just" the one person.  My Mother is 98 and still going, but she is over 200 miles away and my brother is looking after her along with social care.  You have a lot more on your plate, and you really need the support of others.  Sometimes people can make all sorts of excuses not to assist, or are just happy not to have the hassle and let someone else do it.
As you say, you don't expect this to happen when you get older, but it just seems to be the case that we sort of fall into it.  There is a guilt that you can't just chuck them into a home, and tie this in with the natural stubbornness of people as they get older, and it makes it a stressful situation at a time when you expect to be slowing down.


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## Lord Tyrion (Dec 14, 2021)

There is a stigma to putting someone in a home, you have failed, you are letting the person down, you don't care. It's nonsense but it gets in people's heads. The reality is, in the case of dementia for definite, is that a care home is the best and safest place once you pass a tipping point. 

Once that point is passed the person affected is unaware of what is home, what is a care home but for the people who have been doing the caring the release is huge. It's been said on here before but I will repeat it again, don't hold back on going down the care home route. It is often the best for all involved.


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## Robster59 (Dec 14, 2021)

Lord Tyrion said:



			There is a stigma to putting someone in a home, you have failed, you are letting the person down, you don't care. It's nonsense but it gets in people's heads. The reality is, in the case of dementia for definite, is that a care home is the best and safest place once you pass a tipping point.

Once that point is passed the person affected is unaware of what is home, what is a care home but for the people who have been doing the caring the release is huge. It's been said on here before but I will repeat it again, don't hold back on going down the care home route. It is often the best for all involved.
		
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I would agree with this totally.  We looked after him as best we could, but we knew that the time would come he would be going into a nursing home, and we are delighted with where he is.  We also both agree that we did it at about the right time, as there is no way we could give him the care and attention he needs in his current condition while still trying to hold down full-time jobs.  We know that he is in the best place for him.  He is getting the care he requires from trained professionals and also has other people of his age he can talk to.


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## oxymoron (Dec 14, 2021)

Robster59 said:



			I would agree with this totally.  We looked after him as best we could, but we knew that the time would come he would be going into a nursing home, and we are delighted with where he is.  We also both agree that we did it at about the right time, as there is no way we could give him the care and attention he needs in his current condition while still trying to hold down full-time jobs.  We know that he is in the best place for him.  He is getting the care he requires from trained professionals and also has other people of his age he can talk to.
		
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As yourself and LT said there is a stigma but as stated once you hit that point where you can do no more , YOU are doing the best FOR THEM . and that is what is needed ,do not fall in to a guilt trip , you have not failed in any way shape or form you have done your best , you will have shed tears, been frustrated, the whole gamut of emotions i know i felt like that .
At the end of the day you can hold your head up , you made the tough decisions in the best possible way you could .
You have obviously found a good safe place for him .
I found its the ones who have not had to deal with this are the ones who seem to look down at you , but if they were in your shoes they would probably do the same . 
I hope you are at peace now , we are never truly happy doing this but it is best for the dementia sufferer .

Some sadness on this post but a lot of bloody good support really . All the best to anyone who is in this situation , even after they pass away a bit of regret still lingers though you always wonder if you could have done something better .


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## Tashyboy (Dec 14, 2021)

Robster59 said:



			You're having a hell of a time of it at the moment.  For us, it was "just" the one person.  My Mother is 98 and still going, but she is over 200 miles away and my brother is looking after her along with social care.  You have a lot more on your plate, and you really need the support of others.  Sometimes people can make all sorts of excuses not to assist, or are just happy not to have the hassle and let someone else do it.
As you say, you don't expect this to happen when you get older, but it just seems to be the case that we sort of fall into it.  There is a guilt that you can't just chuck them into a home, and tie this in with the natural stubbornness of people as they get older, and it makes it a stressful situation at a time when you expect to be slowing down.
		
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In all honesty me and Missis T have worked in sectors where health was the focal point be it NHs or at the Pit. You kinda learn with experience and to roll with the blows. As daft as it seems some of the advice on here has been fantastic based upon other painful family experiences. We have tried to pass that onto MIL, tried to be proactive not reactive. It has fell on deaf ears and makes the same problems harder to deal with.
I was talking to Missis T re how was dementia dealt with back in the day. Straight jackets, Workhouses etc were mentioned. We have come a long way since then. Still painful to deal with.


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## Robster59 (Dec 16, 2021)

We went in to see the Father in Law today.  He's now in his third room since he came in Monday morning.  The first was the IAU and he was there for 24 hours before they moved him to a room in a ward.  Last night they moved him to another room, but as they're identical he probably hasn't noticed.  He's very disorientated and doesn't seem to be eating from what they are telling us.  Also, he doesn't seem to be able to stand up, which he could do before as he walked around his nursing home on his stroller.  
We have been told he has to stay in for at least a couple more days as the gall bladder infection was quite bad.  
My missus is really concerned that he won't come out of the hospital alive.  None of this is a criticism of the hospital, who have been great, but more the concern that he may have just given up.  I think the lack of stimulation that he was getting in the nursing home doesn't help.  We just hope we can get him back to the nursing home as soon as possible.


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## Tashyboy (Dec 16, 2021)

Missis T went round to see her parents yesterday. MiL was dreading doing the shopping today as FIL keeps kicking off in ASDA saying we don’t need that or that or that. He keeps putting things back. missis T said to her mum. “ when I have gone home get FIL to go round the cupboards a write a list of what you need. His writing, so he knows he has done it, but guide him to what you need”. Missis T rang an hour ago to see how it went. Terrible was the answer. missis T asked why did he not want to stick to his list. MIL said. “ well I did it last night and thought it would be ok”. I mentioned the other day she is useless and don’t help one bit. This is a classic example. She is a massive part of the problem. Unfortunately Missis T spoke to her dad during the same call.once more he does not recognise “ Kath” his wife. It is the very first time Missis T has not been able to bring FIL out of the fog. Not only that he was getting angry with it.
In Laws are due at Tashyboys house Christmas Day. If for some reason it does not or cannot happen it will tip MIL over the edge.


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## Robster59 (Jan 1, 2022)

An update on my Father in Law. 
He finally got back to the home just before Christmas Day, but he was a shadow of his former self. He wasn't really responding but three nursing staff where keeping an eye on him.  We took the decision to visit my children between Christmas and New Year as I haven't seem them for two years thanks to Covid. The home said he would be fine and we checked on him daily.  On the last day we got a call to say his condition had deteriorated, and we are now on to End of Life care.  He has lost the ability to eat, drink or swallow. 
We rushed back from Surrey to Glasgow and went in to see him yesterday.  He didn't look good and we went in a couple of times.
We received a call today asking us to come in as his condition was getting worse.  The home had given him morphine and he was a little more settled and we stayed there for a while, along with his grandson (my stepson). We're going back in tonight, but we just don't know when it will be all over.  There could be a number of calls like this before the end. My missus is trying to hold it together but she's getting through a lot of tissues at the home.


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## Tashyboy (Jan 1, 2022)

Really feel for what your going through. First phone call this year 00..05. FIlL, he don’t know where he is and there’s a strange woman in a strange house. ( his wife in his house) 5 mins later and I cannot talk him outta the fog. Me and Missis T had a walk around Derwent Res today. The main subject was FIL. It really does dominate your life. Tomorrow my parents and In laws are coming round for Xmas dinner. It will be interesting. Missis T said late last night “ I think I will lose me dad this year”,She don’t mean he could pass away, he just won’t recognise anything. First time she has got emotional ☹️
Thoughts with you both Mr and Missis Robster.


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## Deleted member 16999 (Jan 1, 2022)

Robster59 said:



			An update on my Father in Law.
He finally got back to the home just before Christmas Day, but he was a shadow of his former self. He wasn't really responding but three nursing staff where keeping an eye on him.  We took the decision to visit my children between Christmas and New Year as I haven't seem them for two years thanks to Covid. The home said he would be fine and we checked on him daily.  On the last day we got a call to say his condition had deteriorated, and we are now on to End of Life care.  He has lost the ability to eat, drink or swallow.
We rushed back from Surrey to Glasgow and went in to see him yesterday.  He didn't look good and we went in a couple of times.
We received a call today asking us to come in as his condition was getting worse.  The home had given him morphine and he was a little more settled and we stayed there for a while, along with his grandson (my stepson). We're going back in tonight, but we just don't know when it will be all over.  There could be a number of calls like this before the end. My missus is trying to hold it together but she's getting through a lot of tissues at the home.
		
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Sorry to read this, very difficult time for you all, thoughts are with you at this difficult time.


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## Robster59 (Jan 2, 2022)

This morning we went to see the FiL and were there for a couple of hours.  He was not in any discomfort and was just lying in bed, but breathing in such a way you know the time is getting close.  When we saw this, we called his grandson to come over as it looked like it may be guys last chance. While we were there, the senior carer asked my missus to pop outside for a chat, which was basically asking about plans after he passed. We left about 2pm, and then got a call at 3pm to say he had just passed away.  The good thing it, is it was as peaceful as it could be.  We've just been up to see him so she could say her last goodbye.
At least now he is at peace and it is better than a long, drawn out, process.


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## chrisd (Jan 2, 2022)

Robster59 said:



			This morning we went to see the FiL and were there for a couple of hours.  He was not in any discomfort and was just lying in bed, but breathing in such a way you know the time is getting close.  When we saw this, we called his grandson to come over as it looked like it may be guys last chance. While we were there, the senior carer asked my missus to pop outside for a chat, which was basically asking about plans after he passed. We left about 2pm, and then got a call at 3pm to say he had just passed away.  The good thing it, is it was as peaceful as it could be.  We've just been up to see him so she could say her last goodbye.
At least now he is at peace and it is better than a long, drawn out, process.
		
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Condolences Robster


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## williamalex1 (Jan 2, 2022)

It's a blessing for everyone, he's at piece at last and now yous can start living your lives again.
You did all you could have.


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## Tashyboy (Jan 2, 2022)

Robster59 said:



			This morning we went to see the FiL and were there for a couple of hours.  He was not in any discomfort and was just lying in bed, but breathing in such a way you know the time is getting close.  When we saw this, we called his grandson to come over as it looked like it may be guys last chance. While we were there, the senior carer asked my missus to pop outside for a chat, which was basically asking about plans after he passed. We left about 2pm, and then got a call at 3pm to say he had just passed away.  The good thing it, is it was as peaceful as it could be.  We've just been up to see him so she could say her last goodbye.
At least now he is at peace and it is better than a long, drawn out, process.
		
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Gutted for you and Missis Robster. ☹️ Thoughts with you all at this time.


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## Deleted member 16999 (Jan 2, 2022)

Robster59 said:



			This morning we went to see the FiL and were there for a couple of hours.  He was not in any discomfort and was just lying in bed, but breathing in such a way you know the time is getting close.  When we saw this, we called his grandson to come over as it looked like it may be guys last chance. While we were there, the senior carer asked my missus to pop outside for a chat, which was basically asking about plans after he passed. We left about 2pm, and then got a call at 3pm to say he had just passed away.  The good thing it, is it was as peaceful as it could be.  We've just been up to see him so she could say her last goodbye.
At least now he is at peace and it is better than a long, drawn out, process.
		
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So sad for you all, but now he’s at peace.
Condolences to you and your family.


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## Hobbit (Jan 2, 2022)

Robster59 said:



			This morning we went to see the FiL and were there for a couple of hours.  He was not in any discomfort and was just lying in bed, but breathing in such a way you know the time is getting close.  When we saw this, we called his grandson to come over as it looked like it may be guys last chance. While we were there, the senior carer asked my missus to pop outside for a chat, which was basically asking about plans after he passed. We left about 2pm, and then got a call at 3pm to say he had just passed away.  The good thing it, is it was as peaceful as it could be.  We've just been up to see him so she could say her last goodbye.
At least now he is at peace and it is better than a long, drawn out, process.
		
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Sorry for your loss. Best wishes to you and your family.


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## Lord Tyrion (Jan 2, 2022)

williamalex1 said:



			It's a blessing for everyone, he's at piece at last and now yous can start living your lives again.
You did all you could have. 

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Perfectly put.

Best wishes for the next few days @Robster59 . Even when you know something is coming it still impacts.


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## Liverpoolphil (Jan 2, 2022)

Robster59 said:



			This morning we went to see the FiL and were there for a couple of hours.  He was not in any discomfort and was just lying in bed, but breathing in such a way you know the time is getting close.  When we saw this, we called his grandson to come over as it looked like it may be guys last chance. While we were there, the senior carer asked my missus to pop outside for a chat, which was basically asking about plans after he passed. We left about 2pm, and then got a call at 3pm to say he had just passed away.  The good thing it, is it was as peaceful as it could be.  We've just been up to see him so she could say her last goodbye.
At least now he is at peace and it is better than a long, drawn out, process.
		
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Really sad news for you and your family 

If it’s any blessing it’s good you got to say goodbye and he went peacefully


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## HomerJSimpson (Jan 2, 2022)

Robster59 said:



			This morning we went to see the FiL and were there for a couple of hours.  He was not in any discomfort and was just lying in bed, but breathing in such a way you know the time is getting close.  When we saw this, we called his grandson to come over as it looked like it may be guys last chance. While we were there, the senior carer asked my missus to pop outside for a chat, which was basically asking about plans after he passed. We left about 2pm, and then got a call at 3pm to say he had just passed away.  The good thing it, is it was as peaceful as it could be.  We've just been up to see him so she could say her last goodbye.
At least now he is at peace and it is better than a long, drawn out, process.
		
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Sorry to hear that. I've lost both parents and was always grateful I was told so I was able to be there in time to be with them at the end. Glad it was as peaceful as it could have been. If you need an ear to bend over the next few days and let off any steam PM me


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## toyboy54 (Jan 2, 2022)

Robster....You both did everything you could-more than I could have handled.
Just hope you can both come out of this terrible long drawn out process in a better place than you've been-you gave so much of yourselves!
After all the formalities are past, then I hope you'll both be able to smile and have some 'you' time
Tak Tent


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## toyboy54 (Jan 2, 2022)

Robster...the offer still stands in that if you and Mrs. Robster want cheered up then come down the hill to my place!!
You can play, the lady can walk, I'll duff way round, and you can both laugh and cheer up
Oh yeah, I'll even buy the coffees and lunches!!
Call it a late Xmas


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## Robster59 (Jan 2, 2022)

toyboy54 said:



			Robster...the offer still stands in that if you and Mrs. Robster want cheered up then come down the hill to my place!!
You can play, the lady can walk, I'll duff way round, and you can both laugh and cheer up
Oh yeah, I'll even buy the coffees and lunches!!
Call it a late Xmas

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Thanks and much appreciated. We may take you up on that when it all dies down.


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## toyboy54 (Jan 2, 2022)

Robster59 said:



			Thanks and much appreciated. We may take you up on that when it all dies down.
		
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Any time fella, any time!
Whenever suits!
Hope you're both o.k.
Tak Tent


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## Robster59 (Jan 2, 2022)

Thanks to everyone for your kind replies. I'm more worried for my missus as at least the FiL is at peace. And my Stepson as his 'pappa' played a big part in his life. We talked about it and, horrible as it may sound, we think it's better it happened quickly rather than him having the long deterioration that we have seen happen.


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## Tashyboy (Jan 2, 2022)

Robster59 said:



			Thanks to everyone for your kind replies. I'm more worried for my missus as at least the FiL is at peace. And my Stepson as his 'pappa' played a big part in his life. We talked about it and, horrible as it may sound, we think it's better it happened quickly rather than him having the long deterioration that we have seen happen.
		
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One thing I picked up on this thread a good while ago was. Once the person with dementia moves on be it nursing home or worse. People get there lives back. When I read it I thought that it sounded brutal and harsh. The more I have seen my FIL deteriorate the more I have seen Missis T and the MIL Lose control of there’s. Those words have more meaning every day. All our parents have been around for Xmas dinner today. We are lucky to have all four. In laws came at 12.45. By 14.50 FIL was adamant it was time to go home. “ It was getting dark soon”. MIL was upset. She has all but lost her life keeping an eye on him. Last two years have been uncertain and crap. This year is certainly gonna be tough and crap. But well you have to roll with the blows. I hope one day you as a family can get some kind of life back.
Thoughts with you all,
Tash.


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## oxymoron (Jan 4, 2022)

Robster59 said:



			Thanks to everyone for your kind replies. I'm more worried for my missus as at least the FiL is at peace. And my Stepson as his 'pappa' played a big part in his life. We talked about it and, horrible as it may sound, we think it's better it happened quickly rather than him having the long deterioration that we have seen happen.
		
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My condolences at this horrible time.
You can be comforted in the knowledge you did all you could do in this vile situation and the next step is indeed hard but i have no doubt you will get through it .
You did your best for him and now your wife will need a little care but from what i have read you seem to be the man for the job , good luck and all the best
 in the coming days and weeks as you begin to get back to a new normality .


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## Robster59 (Jan 4, 2022)

Tashyboy said:



			One thing I picked up on this thread a good while ago was. Once the person with dementia moves on be it nursing home or worse. People get there lives back. When I read it I thought that it sounded brutal and harsh. The more I have seen my FIL deteriorate the more I have seen Missis T and the MIL Lose control of there’s. Those words have more meaning every day. All our parents have been around for Xmas dinner today. We are lucky to have all four. In laws came at 12.45. By 14.50 FIL was adamant it was time to go home. “ It was getting dark soon”. MIL was upset. She has all but lost her life keeping an eye on him. Last two years have been uncertain and crap. This year is certainly gonna be tough and crap. But well you have to roll with the blows. I hope one day you as a family can get some kind of life back.
Thoughts with you all,
Tash.
		
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I wish you all the best going forward.  You're in the middle of what we are just coming out of.  Horrible as it sounds, it is something that you can feel as a weight off your back. Her FiL had lived in a granny flat at the back of the house for about 20 years, after her mother died.  Most of the time he was compos mentis and was pretty independent but he was still always there.  As his condition deteriorated, looking after him took more and more of our time, and he was left watching TV in his room for periods of time while we worked from home.  As it happens this coincided with Covid so that sort of helped.  When we first talked about the Care Home, I also thought it was a bit hard, almost like we were dumping him away.  The truth is totally different.  My missus did a lot of research before she decided on where was best for him, and it really was worth it.  The Care Home was great for him while he was in there.  He was looked after 24/7, he could walk around the building, interact with other people of his age (and made a few friends), and still had a room of his own to go with if he wanted some privacy.  We know from things my FiL said that he didn't want to go down that road, and he knew his mind was going.  
I wish you the best going forward.  You have a lot to take on, and some tough decisions to make.  We're all here if there is anything we can do to help.  
Take care.


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## Tashyboy (Jan 4, 2022)

Robster59 said:



			I wish you all the best going forward.  You're in the middle of what we are just coming out of.  Horrible as it sounds, it is something that you can feel as a weight off your back. Her FiL had lived in a granny flat at the back of the house for about 20 years, after her mother died.  Most of the time he was compos mentis and was pretty independent but he was still always there.  As his condition deteriorated, looking after him took more and more of our time, and he was left watching TV in his room for periods of time while we worked from home.  As it happens this coincided with Covid so that sort of helped.  When we first talked about the Care Home, I also thought it was a bit hard, almost like we were dumping him away.  The truth is totally different.  My missus did a lot of research before she decided on where was best for him, and it really was worth it.  The Care Home was great for him while he was in there.  He was looked after 24/7, he could walk around the building, interact with other people of his age (and made a few friends), and still had a room of his own to go with if he wanted some privacy.  We know from things my FiL said that he didn't want to go down that road, and he knew his mind was going. 
I wish you the best going forward.  You have a lot to take on, and some tough decisions to make.  We're all here if there is anything we can do to help. 
Take care.
		
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missis T has been around to her parents for a couple of hours today to talk about the dementia link person who is doing a video call tomorrow. missis T cannot be there. We are at a funeral. Anyway it kicked off over money again. The next step would be for him to go into a home one day a week or so. But, he went to a day centre where a bus picked him up and they did things during the day to stimulate them. He said he hated it and Kath/ Wife at home was missing him. He kicked off big style.Last meeting with the dementia link person, MIL said FIL was really enjoying it at the day centre. MissisT was livid and gave her mum a rollocking in front of the dememtia link person. Missis T said “ how can anyone make an assessment of me dad if you keep lying and covering up for him”. It later transpired that he had threatened to kick the windows out of the bus if the driver Di not get him home quicker.
Apart from him suffering with dementia he is now looking old and frail.The last three months have been brutal on his body.


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## Robster59 (Jan 12, 2022)

Well.................
2 days after the FiL passed away, I got a call from my brother.  My mum (98) who still lives at home, had a fall on the 4th.  To give some background, my brother is her main carer, and she has an NHS carer come around once a day plus meals on wheels.  Only a week before, I had seen my Mum as I was driving down to see my kids and spoke to my brother.  He's 70, has a wife, daughter and granddaughter with learning needs, and it looks like it is really stressing him.  I spoke to him separately and said he really needs more help, but he basically stonewalled me and said he's always done it this way, and isn't going to change now.  I got in contact with social services and spoke to them about my concerns, and I was in this process when I got the call from my brother.  Thankfully she had an emergency button which she pushed and help came around.  They called my brother, who lives about a mile away, who came around.  She had to wait for an ambulance, which then took her to the local hospital.  She was then in A&E for a number of hours in a queue in a corridor before she could be seen and then was taken to a ward.  Once on the ward, I rang to see how she was.  The nurse on the ward said that she had been diagnosed with Early Onset Dementia, which came as a surprise to me.  He also said she seemed to be shouting a lot (she is deaf so talks loudly) and was talking a lot (that's my Mum's default position!).  Surprised at this, I called my brother, who also said he knew nothing about this.  The following day I spoke to the main nurse on the ward who advised that it seemed the information I got the previous night was a bit overstated.  On her arrival at the hospital, they had done a CT Scan because she had a fall, and an examination of the brain showed indications of Early Onset, but they can't officially confirm until they do the full dementia test.  However, it didn't surprise me as we had seen the way my FiL got as he started on the dementia path.  She is now struggling to walk and is having to go through physio before she can be returned home.  We then got a call from the hospital yesterday to say that my Mum had contracted Covid.  She is not showing symptoms as yet, but it is obviously a concern. 
When she does return home she will have to have her number of carer visits upped to 4 a day so that is a battle I am having with Care and Social Services at the moment. 
Still, we have experience of doing this with the FiL.


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## Lord Tyrion (Jan 12, 2022)

Blimey @Robster59 you are having some time of it. You have hardly been able to draw breath recently. Best of luck in this next challenge.


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## Piece (Jan 12, 2022)

Robster59 said:



			This morning we went to see the FiL and were there for a couple of hours.  He was not in any discomfort and was just lying in bed, but breathing in such a way you know the time is getting close.  When we saw this, we called his grandson to come over as it looked like it may be guys last chance. While we were there, the senior carer asked my missus to pop outside for a chat, which was basically asking about plans after he passed. We left about 2pm, and then got a call at 3pm to say he had just passed away.  The good thing it, is it was as peaceful as it could be.  We've just been up to see him so she could say her last goodbye.
At least now he is at peace and it is better than a long, drawn out, process.
		
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Best wishes. I/we know how you feel.


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## Deleted member 16999 (Jan 12, 2022)

Robster59 said:



			Well.................
2 days after the FiL passed away, I got a call from my brother.  My mum (98) who still lives at home, had a fall on the 4th.  To give some background, my brother is her main carer, and she has an NHS carer come around once a day plus meals on wheels.  Only a week before, I had seen my Mum as I was driving down to see my kids and spoke to my brother.  He's 70, has a wife, daughter and granddaughter with learning needs, and it looks like it is really stressing him.  I spoke to him separately and said he really needs more help, but he basically stonewalled me and said he's always done it this way, and isn't going to change now.  I got in contact with social services and spoke to them about my concerns, and I was in this process when I got the call from my brother.  Thankfully she had an emergency button which she pushed and help came around.  They called my brother, who lives about a mile away, who came around.  She had to wait for an ambulance, which then took her to the local hospital.  She was then in A&E for a number of hours in a queue in a corridor before she could be seen and then was taken to a ward.  Once on the ward, I rang to see how she was.  The nurse on the ward said that she had been diagnosed with Early Onset Dementia, which came as a surprise to me.  He also said she seemed to be shouting a lot (she is deaf so talks loudly) and was talking a lot (that's my Mum's default position!).  Surprised at this, I called my brother, who also said he knew nothing about this.  The following day I spoke to the main nurse on the ward who advised that it seemed the information I got the previous night was a bit overstated.  On her arrival at the hospital, they had done a CT Scan because she had a fall, and an examination of the brain showed indications of Early Onset, but they can't officially confirm until they do the full dementia test.  However, it didn't surprise me as we had seen the way my FiL got as he started on the dementia path.  She is now struggling to walk and is having to go through physio before she can be returned home.  We then got a call from the hospital yesterday to say that my Mum had contracted Covid.  She is not showing symptoms as yet, but it is obviously a concern.
When she does return home she will have to have her number of carer visits upped to 4 a day so that is a battle I am having with Care and Social Services at the moment.
Still, we have experience of doing this with the FiL.
		
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Best wishes and hopefully they’ll sort your mam out.
You’ve been through a torrid time as a family, great you are offloading on here, but make sure you chat to your missus as well. Stay safe.


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## Robster59 (Jan 12, 2022)

Thanks to everyone for your comments.  Just had another call from the hospital.  Mum has fallen out of bed.  A slight scrape but nothing serious.  They've done another CT Scan, and she's OK, but they are now going to have to get a lower bed for her to use.  
I think I'll send this off for a Coronation Street plot!


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## Tashyboy (Jan 12, 2022)

Robster59 said:



			Well.................
2 days after the FiL passed away, I got a call from my brother.  My mum (98) who still lives at home, had a fall on the 4th.  To give some background, my brother is her main carer, and she has an NHS carer come around once a day plus meals on wheels.  Only a week before, I had seen my Mum as I was driving down to see my kids and spoke to my brother.  He's 70, has a wife, daughter and granddaughter with learning needs, and it looks like it is really stressing him.  I spoke to him separately and said he really needs more help, but he basically stonewalled me and said he's always done it this way, and isn't going to change now.  I got in contact with social services and spoke to them about my concerns, and I was in this process when I got the call from my brother.  Thankfully she had an emergency button which she pushed and help came around.  They called my brother, who lives about a mile away, who came around.  She had to wait for an ambulance, which then took her to the local hospital.  She was then in A&E for a number of hours in a queue in a corridor before she could be seen and then was taken to a ward.  Once on the ward, I rang to see how she was.  The nurse on the ward said that she had been diagnosed with Early Onset Dementia, which came as a surprise to me.  He also said she seemed to be shouting a lot (she is deaf so talks loudly) and was talking a lot (that's my Mum's default position!).  Surprised at this, I called my brother, who also said he knew nothing about this.  The following day I spoke to the main nurse on the ward who advised that it seemed the information I got the previous night was a bit overstated.  On her arrival at the hospital, they had done a CT Scan because she had a fall, and an examination of the brain showed indications of Early Onset, but they can't officially confirm until they do the full dementia test.  However, it didn't surprise me as we had seen the way my FiL got as he started on the dementia path.  She is now struggling to walk and is having to go through physio before she can be returned home.  We then got a call from the hospital yesterday to say that my Mum had contracted Covid.  She is not showing symptoms as yet, but it is obviously a concern.
When she does return home she will have to have her number of carer visits upped to 4 a day so that is a battle I am having with Care and Social Services at the moment.
Still, we have experience of doing this with the FiL.
		
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Proper feel your pain. Went around to in laws after a little walk on Monday. I received a phone call from a pal who ended up in hospital during his 50th birthday party. Anyway I went into the kitchen to take the call. When I came out Missis T was showing FIL A memory photo album we bought him 2 Christmas ago. I sat down and he Said “ yes but how long have you being seeing him/ me. Missis T said “ 41 years ago”. ” well it would of been nice if you had told me”. We went through the family. He never knew about any of his kids. There partners, or grandkids. My Bro in law when talking about him. FIL says “ he is a knobhead” Then said to me, “ tell them why he is a knobhead”. I explained to him that BIL married his daughter, they have two fantastic kids, he served his country, FIL and BIL March at the front of Remembrance Day parade. “ he is still a knobhead”. 
Its MiL birthday next Tuesday. So we are out for a pub meal on Monday. It will be interesting to say the least.
Bottom line. Last three months he has fell off a cliff. Both physically and mentally.


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## Robster59 (Jan 12, 2022)

Tashyboy said:



			Proper feel your pain. Went around to in laws after a little walk on Monday. I received a phone call from a pal who ended up in hospital during his 50th birthday party. Anyway I went into the kitchen to take the call. When I came out Missis T was showing FIL A memory photo album we bought him 2 Christmas ago. I sat down and he Said “ yes but how long have you being seeing him/ me. Missis T said “ 41 years ago”. ” well it would of been nice if you had told me”. We went through the family. He never knew about any of his kids. There partners, or grandkids. My Bro in law when talking about him. FIL says “ he is a knobhead” Then said to me, “ tell them why he is a knobhead”. I explained to him that BIL married his daughter, they have two fantastic kids, he served his country, FIL and BIL March at the front of Remembrance Day parade. “ he is still a knobhead”.
Its MiL birthday next Tuesday. So we are out for a pub meal on Monday. It will be interesting to say the least.
Bottom line. Last three months he has fell off a cliff. Both physically and mentally.
		
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Sorry to hear that.  His sounds like a rapid decline case.  That happened to a friend of my Mum's years ago.  I imagine a proper diagnosis will give you a better idea, but it sounds like you really need some solid support.  Keep in regular contact with his Doctor and Social Care/Services.  It's very easy for them to let you get on with it as they are happy for the family to do all the work, but sometimes that's not enough.  And make a pest of yourself.  My missus had to do it for her Dad with a particularly stroppy Social Worker and finished up reporting him.  She got an apology, and we never saw him again, but I'm going through the same thing right now with my Mum's social care as basically they tried to just say all was fine and carry on as you are.  And get everything in writing.


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## Robster59 (Jan 12, 2022)

pauldj42 said:



			Best wishes and hopefully they’ll sort your mam out.
You’ve been through a torrid time as a family, great you are offloading on here, but make sure you chat to your missus as well. Stay safe.
		
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To be honest, having this place as a sounding board has been really helpful.  It's certainly helped me to get a few things off my chest.  The missus is one who like to keep her emotions in, so trying to talk to her about it is difficult at times.


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## Tashyboy (Jan 12, 2022)

Robster59 said:



			Sorry to hear that.  His sounds like a rapid decline case.  That happened to a friend of my Mum's years ago.  I imagine a proper diagnosis will give you a better idea, but it sounds like you really need some solid support.  Keep in regular contact with his Doctor and Social Care/Services.  It's very easy for them to let you get on with it as they are happy for the family to do all the work, but sometimes that's not enough.  And make a pest of yourself.  My missus had to do it for her Dad with a particularly stroppy Social Worker and finished up reporting him.  She got an apology, and we never saw him again, but I'm going through the same thing right now with my Mum's social care as basically they tried to just say all was fine and carry on as you are.  And get everything in writing.
		
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Missis T reckons that her mother wants Missis T to make the decision that he needs a care package/ go into a home. Missis T said it ain’t gonna happen. Part of the problem is MIL has had FaceTime consultations with social care and said “ all is fine” then the day after she says “ I cannot cope anymore“. When we went for a walk on Monday, Missis T told her mum and she said “ oh we could do to go for a walk “ 😳. The simple answer is put your bloody coat on then. They just sit at home and vegetate, and have done for years. Monday, Missis T got 10 phone calls from her dad. On some of the calls you can hear the telly on loud in the back ground. Me and Missis T were laughing After one call. We had turned the sound off on our telly so we could listen to FIL. He shouted at MIL to “ turn the bloody telly down” as he could not hear Missis T. It was the weather report. We watched it on our telly and heard it on there’s. The point is, as long as she has the telly on and the tv times at the side of her she is happy.

Edit to say, one thing I have seen mentioned on here a few times is people have said with hindsight they wish they had put there loved ones into a care home earlier. I honestly think we are now at that stage where he should be in a home. Others think not. Me and Missis T have said during our discussions that we think it could well be that he gets violent and has hold of or hits MIL ( again). He has done it before but said “he hit someone but it was not his wife” ( he never recognised who he hit).  Missis T gave him a bollocking saying you should not hit any woman whether you recognise them or not. Only time will tell.


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## Deleted member 16999 (Jan 12, 2022)

Robster59 said:



			To be honest, having this place as a sounding board has been really helpful.  It's certainly helped me to get a few things off my chest.  The missus is one who like to keep her emotions in, so trying to talk to her about it is difficult at times.
		
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Sometimes it’s the ones we love the most we unintentionally hurt the most when trying to protect them. Not easy for any of you, but just being there sometimes is enough.


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## HomerJSimpson (Jan 12, 2022)

Robster59 said:



			Well.................
2 days after the FiL passed away, I got a call from my brother.  My mum (98) who still lives at home, had a fall on the 4th.  To give some background, my brother is her main carer, and she has an NHS carer come around once a day plus meals on wheels.  Only a week before, I had seen my Mum as I was driving down to see my kids and spoke to my brother.  He's 70, has a wife, daughter and granddaughter with learning needs, and it looks like it is really stressing him.  I spoke to him separately and said he really needs more help, but he basically stonewalled me and said he's always done it this way, and isn't going to change now.  I got in contact with social services and spoke to them about my concerns, and I was in this process when I got the call from my brother.  Thankfully she had an emergency button which she pushed and help came around.  They called my brother, who lives about a mile away, who came around.  She had to wait for an ambulance, which then took her to the local hospital.  She was then in A&E for a number of hours in a queue in a corridor before she could be seen and then was taken to a ward.  Once on the ward, I rang to see how she was.  The nurse on the ward said that she had been diagnosed with Early Onset Dementia, which came as a surprise to me.  He also said she seemed to be shouting a lot (she is deaf so talks loudly) and was talking a lot (that's my Mum's default position!).  Surprised at this, I called my brother, who also said he knew nothing about this.  The following day I spoke to the main nurse on the ward who advised that it seemed the information I got the previous night was a bit overstated.  On her arrival at the hospital, they had done a CT Scan because she had a fall, and an examination of the brain showed indications of Early Onset, but they can't officially confirm until they do the full dementia test.  However, it didn't surprise me as we had seen the way my FiL got as he started on the dementia path.  She is now struggling to walk and is having to go through physio before she can be returned home.  We then got a call from the hospital yesterday to say that my Mum had contracted Covid.  She is not showing symptoms as yet, but it is obviously a concern.
When she does return home she will have to have her number of carer visits upped to 4 a day so that is a battle I am having with Care and Social Services at the moment.
Still, we have experience of doing this with the FiL.
		
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So sorry to hear all of your woes. Glad you are getting it out on here but if you ever want to sound off via DM I'm happy to listen. Hope you turn a corner soon and can move forward and get the care needed


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## oxymoron (Jan 13, 2022)

Tashyboy said:



			Missis T reckons that her mother wants Missis T to make the decision that he needs a care package/ go into a home. Missis T said it ain’t gonna happen. Part of the problem is MIL has had FaceTime consultations with social care and said “ all is fine” then the day after she says “ I cannot cope anymore“. When we went for a walk on Monday, Missis T told her mum and she said “ oh we could do to go for a walk “ 😳. The simple answer is put your bloody coat on then. They just sit at home and vegetate, and have done for years. Monday, Missis T got 10 phone calls from her dad. On some of the calls you can hear the telly on loud in the back ground. Me and Missis T were laughing After one call. We had turned the sound off on our telly so we could listen to FIL. He shouted at MIL to “ turn the bloody telly down” as he could not hear Missis T. It was the weather report. We watched it on our telly and heard it on there’s. The point is, as long as she has the telly on and the tv times at the side of her she is happy.

Edit to say, one thing I have seen mentioned on here a few times is people have said *with hindsight they wish they had put there loved ones into a care home earlier.* I honestly think we are now at that stage where he should be in a home. Others think not. Me and Missis T have said during our discussions that we think it could well be that he gets violent and has hold of or hits MIL ( again). He has done it before but said “he hit someone but it was not his wife” ( he never recognised who he hit).  Missis T gave him a bollocking saying you should not hit any woman whether you recognise them or not. Only time will tell.
		
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Tashy, with reference to the bit in bold , my brother and i also thought this especially when in one of his more lucid moments my dad turned to us and said "i should have come in to the care home ages ago ".
It is a low point when the decision is made but it does get better from there onwards as long as all the family are with you , my mates family were at loggerheads as his sister disagreed vehemently
but she would not do any of the day to day care just expected him and his wife to do it all  .
Sad reading all these post's, just makes all the good memories seem more important when all you see is the bad side of the terrible condition .

Good luck going forward


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## SwingsitlikeHogan (Jan 13, 2022)

A different background but very similar issues to those being described and struggled with in the context of dementia in this discussion.

My 91yr old MiL is (or has been) pin-sharp but is just starting to struggle to manage life and now rarely goes out.  She has my 64yr old BiL at home, now diagnosed with multiple myeloma (incurable form of blood cancer) and who quite possibly may not be able to live independently and so to move out, almost certainly not for as many months as we can look ahead as his immune system is severely compromised.  Full diagnosis and prognosis not yet given, hopefully we’ll all know more within two weeks.

We are really struggling to get my MiL to accept that she needs to consider what form of home support beyond her cleaner that she needs, support that is not us.  And at same time we need to understand the support that my BiL might be able to give his mum, and also what support he himself needs in addition to that of my MiL.  And looking ahead a few years can that all be done in MiLs house as it is configured, or indeed can it be done in the house at all.

At the moment as there are just so many unknowns there is a huge reluctance to engage in these difficult discussions with us.  Difficult times and so I very much empathise with the difficult and often very painful challenges others are facing.


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## oxymoron (Jan 13, 2022)

SwingsitlikeHogan said:



			A different background but very similar issues to those being described and struggled with in the context of dementia in this discussion.

My 91yr old MiL is (or has been) pin-sharp but is just starting to struggle to manage life and now rarely goes out.  She has my 64yr old BiL at home, now diagnosed with multiple myeloma (incurable form of blood cancer) and who quite possibly may not be able to live independently and so to move out, almost certainly not for as many months as we can look ahead as his immune system is severely compromised.  Full diagnosis and prognosis not yet given, hopefully we’ll all know more within two weeks.

We are really struggling to get my MiL to accept that she needs to consider what form of home support beyond her cleaner that she needs, support that is not us.  And at same time we need to understand the support that my BiL might be able to give his mum, and also what support he himself needs in addition to that of my MiL.  And looking ahead a few years can that all be done in MiLs house as it is configured, or indeed can it be done in the house at all.

At the moment as there are just so many unknowns *there is a huge reluctance to engage in these difficult discussions *with us.  Difficult times and so I very much empathise with the difficult and often very painful challenges others are facing.
		
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SILH I sympathize but the earlier you do have the discussions the easier it is in the long run.
Best of luck going forward .


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## Robster59 (Jan 17, 2022)

On a slightly lighter note.  If you are caring for someone with dementia on a daily basis, be really careful how you speak to some of your senior friends, as it was frighteningly easy to drop into "dementia talk" with them.  Thankfully, I stopped myself just in time.


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## Tashyboy (Jan 17, 2022)

Robster59 said:



			On a slightly lighter note.  If you are caring for someone with dementia on a daily basis, be really careful how you speak to some of your senior friends, as it was frighteningly easy to drop into "dementia talk" with them.  Thankfully, I stopped myself just in time. 

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Just been out for a meal with MIL, it’s her birthday tomorrow. I paid for meal and as I was at the till apparently FIL said “ am glad I came out but it’s a dump in here “. 😳😂
Sometimes you have to smile.


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## RichA (Jan 17, 2022)

Tashyboy said:



			Just been out for a meal with MIL, it’s her birthday tomorrow. I paid for meal and as I was at the till apparently FIL said *“ am glad I came out but it’s a dump in here “*. 😳😂
Sometimes you have to smile.
		
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Stag & Pheasant or Widow Frost?
Reminds me of the last few years with mum. No good deed ever went uninsulted


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## Tashyboy (Jan 17, 2022)

RichA said:



			Stag & Pheasant or Widow Frost?
Reminds me of the last few years with mum. No good deed ever went uninsulted
		
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😂
Foxglove, not bad for a pub meal to be hones. Am sure the grandkids swimming lesson be as equally entertaining.


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## Robster59 (Jan 25, 2022)

Just as a bit of closure. It was the Father in Law's funeral today. The missus was very stressed going into today. Despite the fact they clashed often, she wanted to do right by him. It was a humanist service, carried out by someone he knew at his club. It was carried out as a celebration of his life, and a number of those attending said the eulogy really made them know more about what he did in his life. And he did a lot.
After the funeral, you could see it was like a weight had lifted off Mrs Robsters shoulders.  We can now move on, knowing we did what we could for him, and that he's now at peace.


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## RichA (Jan 25, 2022)

Best wishes as you carry on. Good for Mrs Robster and you to know you did the right things. 🍻


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## Tashyboy (Jan 25, 2022)

Robster59 said:



			Just as a bit of closure. It was the Father in Law's funeral today. The missus was very stressed going into today. Despite the fact they clashed often, she wanted to do right by him. It was a humanist service, carried out by someone he knew at his club. It was carried out as a celebration of his life, and a number of those attending said the eulogy really made them know more about what he did in his life. And he did a lot.
After the funeral, you could see it was like a weight had lifted off Mrs Robsters shoulders.  We can now move on, knowing we did what we could for him, and that he's now at peace.
		
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I hope you and Missis Robster start getting your lives back sooner rather than later.

Me and Missis T. Well last week Missis T and her sister invoked Power of attorney. He has got that bad with money. It’s the norm to walk around with £600 in his wallet. Tomorrow me and Missis T are attending a meeting with a social worker and in laws. That will be very interesting. Today I spent a couple of hours with a lovely woman in Newark who did a memory test/ Assesment on my dad. How do you keep a straight face when he says today is Thursday and it’s 1982.😖. That aside it did seem to go well. Watch this space re his next assessment and diagnosis in March. During the assessment, me mum rang to say she was ready for picking up from the hospital 20 miles away At 5 pm. In between that we picked the kids up from school. And young Bradley Tash has been a grade one tit today. On a positive I bought Missis T some flowers. We sat down for dinner at 7.45pm.


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## Robster59 (Jan 25, 2022)

Tashyboy said:



			I hope you and Missis Robster start getting your lives back sooner rather than later.

Me and Missis T. Well last week Missis T and her sister invoked Power of attorney. He has got that bad with money. It’s the norm to walk around with £600 in his wallet. Tomorrow me and Missis T are attending a meeting with a social worker and in laws. That will be very interesting. Today I spent a couple of hours with a lovely woman in Newark who did a memory test/ Assesment on my dad. How do you keep a straight face when he says today is Thursday and it’s 1982.😖. That aside it did seem to go well. Watch this space re his next assessment and diagnosis in March. During the assessment, me mum rang to say she was ready for picking up from the hospital 20 miles away At 5 pm. In between that we picked the kids up from school. And young Bradley Tash has been a grade one tit today. On a positive I bought Missis T some flowers. We sat down for dinner at 7.45pm.
		
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Good luck going forward Tash. I remember sitting through a similar test with my FiL.  The test just really highlights how far the illness had gone. However, it is also a good step to getting the help he really needs. The main thing is for you and Mrs Tash to keep supporting each other. And try not to take it all on yourself. Seek help and guidance from where you can, and remember, the right decision is not always the easy one.


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## Tashyboy (Jan 25, 2022)

Robster59 said:



			Good luck going forward Tash. I remember sitting through a similar test with my FiL.  The test just really highlights how far the illness had gone. However, it is also a good step to getting the help he really needs. The main thing is for you and Mrs Tash to keep supporting each other. And try not to take it all on yourself. Seek help and guidance from where you can, and remember, the right decision is not always the easy one.
		
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Me and Missis T had a good natter earlier, I was really impressed with the assessment. It’s a different place to where the FIL had his. What was also different was that most of FIL tests were through face time. It seems something is lost doing it that way.


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## Piece (Jan 26, 2022)

oxymoron said:



			SILH I sympathize but the earlier you do have the discussions the easier it is in the long run.
Best of luck going forward .
		
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Without doubt these discussions must be held earlier rather than later. I'm pleased I was the one in our family to be the one with the hand up, otherwise we certainly would have been, as a family, in a far worse place. It enabled us to make plans, warm-up the authorities, rather than continual fire-fighting and running around like headless chickens, more prone to poor decision-making.

Good luckl!


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## Robster59 (Feb 14, 2022)

I've just had a call from my brother.  As I have previously said, my mother had a fall on 4th January and was in hospital to 7th February.   Care package in place, 4 care visits a day, a bed and commode in her downstairs room.  I had a WhatsApp call with my mum last Tuesday, and she struggled to recognise me.  
Fast-forward to today.  I've just had a call from my brother.  My Mum's dementia has gone worse over the last few days.  She is really getting bad, thinking phone calls are being made and is calling people continuously.  I've told him to take the phone off her as she is deaf, so she'll shout down the phone but can't hear anyone. 
Well, the care workers came around today and could see my brother was really stressed, and they told him to go home and let the Care Workers do the job, which he did.  
But I think we now really need to look at full-time care for my Mum.  I rang his Social Care worker.  I think she was a bit unsure about who I was and what I was going to say, but I had a good chat with her, explained what we've been through and that we understand all the differences.   At the end, she was fine and said she'd keep me updated.  My brother says he will, but I still think he likes to keep a bit of control, so I like to go straight to the people who are making the decisions. 
Here we go again.......


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## Tashyboy (Feb 14, 2022)

Robster59 said:



			I've just had a call from my brother.  As I have previously said, my mother had a fall on 4th January and was in hospital to 7th February.   Care package in place, 4 care visits a day, a bed and commode in her downstairs room.  I had a WhatsApp call with my mum last Tuesday, and she struggled to recognise me. 
Fast-forward to today.  I've just had a call from my brother.  My Mum's dementia has gone worse over the last few days.  She is really getting bad, thinking phone calls are being made and is calling people continuously.  I've told him to take the phone off her as she is deaf, so she'll shout down the phone but can't hear anyone.
Well, the care workers came around today and could see my brother was really stressed, and they told him to go home and let the Care Workers do the job, which he did. 
But I think we now really need to look at full-time care for my Mum.  I rang his Social Care worker.  I think she was a bit unsure about who I was and what I was going to say, but I had a good chat with her, explained what we've been through and that we understand all the differences.   At the end, she was fine and said she'd keep me updated.  My brother says he will, but I still think he likes to keep a bit of control, so I like to go straight to the people who are making the decisions.
Here we go again.......
		
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Feel it, flippin eck where to start. Re my dad, he had a lady ring today to make an appointment and see him next week. She wants to observe what he can do At home. She asked him what he does when he gets up In the morning. He said “ stretch my arms and yawn”. Missis T had tears rolling down her cheeks and walked out of the room. He has a CT scan tomorrow. My dad don’t seem bad but his score was 70/100 from his memory test. Watch this space re my dad.
But the FIL. Sweet lord he has fell off a cliff. He keeps going for a wander at night. We were at a business launch party Friday night. I had 2 phone calls from a pal in a pub where FIL had walked to. He was worried about FIL. He rang me when he started walking home. missis T rang MIL and she did not seem concerned one bit. I have been googling tracking devices for folk with dementia but I have not got a clue what would be the best device. At the same time I feel Missis T and her sister who have Power of attorney should deal with this problem. Talking of POA, Missis T has sorted out internet banking and FIL has drawn out 5K over the last year. Not got a clue where he has put it. My parents have the earlier POA and we are looking to update it, but it seems me mum who is recovering from a gall bladder removal at the moment cannot be bothered with anything.


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## RichA (Feb 14, 2022)

Robster59 said:



			I've just had a call from my brother.  As I have previously said, my mother had a fall on 4th January and was in hospital to 7th February.   Care package in place, 4 care visits a day, a bed and commode in her downstairs room.  I had a WhatsApp call with my mum last Tuesday, and she struggled to recognise me. 
Fast-forward to today.  I've just had a call from my brother.  My Mum's dementia has gone worse over the last few days.  She is really getting bad, thinking phone calls are being made and is calling people continuously.  I've told him to take the phone off her as she is deaf, so she'll shout down the phone but can't hear anyone.
Well, the care workers came around today and could see my brother was really stressed, and they told him to go home and let the Care Workers do the job, which he did. 
But I think we now really need to look at full-time care for my Mum.  I rang his Social Care worker.  I think she was a bit unsure about who I was and what I was going to say, but I had a good chat with her, explained what we've been through and that we understand all the differences.   At the end, she was fine and said she'd keep me updated.  My brother says he will, but I still think he likes to keep a bit of control, so I like to go straight to the people who are making the decisions.
Here we go again.......
		
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Good luck brother. I'm not a doctor, so take anything I say with a kilo of salt, but...
a really rapid decline might point to something other than just the dementia. When old folks get dehydrated, something as simple as a UTI can temporarily make mild dementia into a horror show. It's quickly sorted, when treated. 
Has she seen a proper medic or just the carers?
Only speaking from what I witnessed with my mum a few years ago.


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## Tashyboy (Feb 14, 2022)

RichA said:



			Good luck brother. I'm not a doctor, so take anything I say with a kilo of salt, but...
a really rapid decline might point to something other than just the dementia. *When old folks get dehydrated, something as simple as a UTI can temporarily make mild dementia into a horror show. It's quickly sorted, when treated.*
Has she seen a proper medic or just the carers?
Only speaking from what I witnessed with my mum a few years ago.
		
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This all day long, when my dad has his dementia test last month, my dad who has Luekemia amongst other things cannot afford to get an infection. It was emphasised to him that hydration is massively important. It can be sorted by a few glasses of water each day.


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## Robster59 (Feb 15, 2022)

Thanks. Mum had Covid whilst in hospital and I've asked them to check these things. We had similar concerns with the FiL and an injection really knocked him back.


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## Robster59 (Feb 17, 2022)

I went to see my Mum tonight.  God, she's deteriorated.  Totally wandered.  My brother is totally knocked by how fast the deterioration has been.  This is from somebody who would not take any advice and had to do things his way.  The sad thing, we tried to warn him when we saw Mum between Christmas and New Year.  
He was very defensive when I turned up, thinking I was going to have a go.  I wasn't, we never have, but he wouldn't listen to our advice.  It always had to be his way.  Once I got him to settle down, he was in bits, and it's obviously far too much for him.  He's 70 this year, has a wife and daughter with special needs, and he needs to get some relief.
He now agrees a Nursing Home is the best thing for her, and we need to get it moving quickly.  I will be speaking to Social Service to put in my two-pennorth and get things moving as quick as we can.  As much as for his sanity as hers.


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## SwingsitlikeHogan (Feb 18, 2022)

Robster59 said:



			I went to see my Mum tonight.  God, she's deteriorated.  Totally wandered.  My brother is totally knocked by how fast the deterioration has been.  This is from somebody who would not take any advice and had to do things his way.  The sad thing, we tried to warn him when we saw Mum between Christmas and New Year.
He was very defensive when I turned up, thinking I was going to have a go.  I wasn't, we never have, but he wouldn't listen to our advice.  It always had to be his way.  Once I got him to settle down, he was in bits, and it's obviously far too much for him.  He's 70 this year, has a wife and daughter with special needs, and he needs to get some relief.
He now agrees a Nursing Home is the best thing for her, and we need to get it moving quickly.  I will be speaking to Social Service to put in my two-pennorth and get things moving as quick as we can.  As much as for his sanity as hers.
		
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My mum’s cognitive function collapsed very quickly after she was diagnosed with a brain tumour…with effect very like dementia.  It was very distressing for us, but much more so in fact for her, as she realised what was happening to her.  It was almost a relief when her perception of her own condition went.  We were very fortunate to have her admitted to Mearnskirk (sadly now shut) as that was on our doorstep which meant I could stay and work at our family home in Broom and visit regularly. 

It was a very difficult time, and I think that it’s important to say to your mum everything you must, even the things you might in life have found a bit awkward…like ‘I love you mum’ - though she might not ‘hear’ you she just might, and you really don‘t want to be left wishing you’d just said something to her…when it’s no longer possible.


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## Robster59 (Feb 28, 2022)

Well, it's been an eventful week or so.  After visiting my Mum, I was straight on to Social Services with an email to update them, explain the situation and ask (again) for a dementia test.  Since then.....

My brother contacted Social Services as well to say that he believes my Mum needs 24 hour care.
The Social worker went around on Wednesday of last week to review Mum and said that she seemed to still be mentally aware, in her opinion, and that Mum didn't want to go into a home.
My brother then dithered and said that he just wants Mum to be happy.
I wrote back to the Social Worker saying that an individuals' opinion was not what I was asking for, but a professional and official test.  
I said I was not happy and that I thought it would only be a matter of time before Mum fell again and would be back in hospital.
I also expressed concern about the mental and emotional impact it was having on my brother, as he was in tears when I saw him last week.  I don't think he's mentally strong enough to keep doing this.
I said that I was recording all emails as a record in case anything did happen to my Mum.
I sent this email Wednesday evening.  On Thursday, I got a call from my brother saying Mum had fallen again and was back in hospital.  
I spoke to the hospital who said she was on antibiotics for a urinary tract infection, is dehydrated and on a liquid drip, but otherwise OK.  However, again, she is struggling to walk.  
I got back on to Social Services and said that now, for the second time, what I said would happen, has happened.  I said that not in satisfaction, but disappointment that my concerns had not been addressed.  
I got a call from someone more senior Social workers who was planning to go in to see Mum today (that won't happen as you can't mentally assess in hospital) but will re-assess the situation in more detail once Mum has been diagnosed.
Trying to do this from 200+ miles away is pretty stressful and not helped by the fact that my brother really isn't helping on this.  I know he's looking after Mum, but he's now so ingrained into the situation, he can't make a decision that will be the best for Mum.  

Still, at least we know what is involved from dealing with the Father-in-Law and the right keywords to use and buttons to press to get Social care moving.


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## Lord Tyrion (Feb 28, 2022)

Robster59 said:



			Well, it's been an eventful week or so.  After visiting my Mum, I was straight on to Social Services with an email to update them, explain the situation and ask (again) for a dementia test.  Since then.....

My brother contacted Social Services as well to say that he believes my Mum needs 24 hour care.
The Social worker went around on Wednesday of last week to review Mum and said that she seemed to still be mentally aware, in her opinion, and that Mum didn't want to go into a home.
My brother then dithered and said that he just wants Mum to be happy.
I wrote back to the Social Worker saying that an individuals' opinion was not what I was asking for, but a professional and official test. 
I said I was not happy and that I thought it would only be a matter of time before Mum fell again and would be back in hospital.
I also expressed concern about the mental and emotional impact it was having on my brother, as he was in tears when I saw him last week.  I don't think he's mentally strong enough to keep doing this.
I said that I was recording all emails as a record in case anything did happen to my Mum.
I sent this email Wednesday evening.  On Thursday, I got a call from my brother saying Mum had fallen again and was back in hospital. 
I spoke to the hospital who said she was on antibiotics for a urinary tract infection, is dehydrated and on a liquid drip, but otherwise OK.  However, again, she is struggling to walk. 
I got back on to Social Services and said that now, for the second time, what I said would happen, has happened.  I said that not in satisfaction, but disappointment that my concerns had not been addressed. 
I got a call from someone more senior Social workers who was planning to go in to see Mum today (that won't happen as you can't mentally assess in hospital) but will re-assess the situation in more detail once Mum has been diagnosed.
Trying to do this from 200+ miles away is pretty stressful and not helped by the fact that my brother really isn't helping on this.  I know he's looking after Mum, but he's now so ingrained into the situation, he can't make a decision that will be the best for Mum. 

Still, at least we know what is involved from dealing with the Father-in-Law and the right keywords to use and buttons to press to get Social care moving.
		
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It's crazy, the fight that social services put up when they only see someone briefly, know so little about the situation. You explain and explain but they don't seem to listen. When you get the right person the wheels suddenly turn but until you get that right person...........

As you say, at least you know the system now. Tiring, good luck.


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## oxymoron (Feb 28, 2022)

Robster59 said:



			Well, it's been an eventful week or so.  After visiting my Mum, I was straight on to Social Services with an email to update them, explain the situation and ask (again) for a dementia test.  Since then.....

My brother contacted Social Services as well to say that he believes my Mum needs 24 hour care.
The Social worker went around on Wednesday of last week to review Mum and said that she seemed to still be mentally aware, in her opinion, and that Mum didn't want to go into a home.
My brother then dithered and said that he just wants Mum to be happy.
I wrote back to the Social Worker saying that an individuals' opinion was not what I was asking for, but a professional and official test.
I said I was not happy and that I thought it would only be a matter of time before Mum fell again and would be back in hospital.
I also expressed concern about the mental and emotional impact it was having on my brother, as he was in tears when I saw him last week.  I don't think he's mentally strong enough to keep doing this.
I said that I was recording all emails as a record in case anything did happen to my Mum.
I sent this email Wednesday evening.  On Thursday, I got a call from my brother saying Mum had fallen again and was back in hospital.
I spoke to the hospital who said she was on antibiotics for a urinary tract infection, is dehydrated and on a liquid drip, but otherwise OK.  However, again, she is struggling to walk.
I got back on to Social Services and said that now, for the second time, what I said would happen, has happened.  I said that not in satisfaction, but disappointment that my concerns had not been addressed.
I got a call from someone more senior Social workers who was planning to go in to see Mum today (that won't happen as you can't mentally assess in hospital) but will re-assess the situation in more detail once Mum has been diagnosed.
Trying to do this from 200+ miles away is pretty stressful and not helped by the fact that my brother really isn't helping on this.  I know he's looking after Mum, but he's now so ingrained into the situation, he can't make a decision that will be the best for Mum.

Still, at least we know what is involved from dealing with the Father-in-Law and the right keywords to use and buttons to press to get Social care moving.
		
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Hope you get a place for her in a good care home , it seems like your brother needs it as much as your mum.
As hard as it comes across and  i do not want to appear hard hearted but i think when you are at this stage her happiness is not a consideration as much as her safety and well
being , and indeed to a point yours and your brothers mental and physical health .

I wish you all the best , now my parents have passed through this, i have to say my heart breaks when i read some of the post's on here and find i have to 
leave this thread for a while now and again .


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## Tashyboy (Feb 28, 2022)

Just spoke to Missis T about this. Missis T said that ” for her to be discharged home, there needs to be a care package in place”. If there is not it is classed as an “ unsafe discharge”. If you or your brother are not able to give your mother the care she requires then social services will have to take action. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, if one wants the best for your mother, your brother needs to step back. He and you have done all you can.

That said. missis T bought some tracker tags for her Father. There bloody useless as they only work on the phone via Bluetooth and have a range of 75ft. So today MIL called and said “ FIL has been going for a wander and the other day was lost” this has been going on for months but now it is an issue To her. She rang Missis T to say “ have you done anything re a tracker”. Missis T bounced it back and told MIL to ring her Alzheimer’s contact person and ask them re a recommended tracker. Missis mentioned you will have to pay £20-30 per month for the tracker. Her response was “ well we will see then”. She is so frustrating.


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## Robster59 (Feb 28, 2022)

Thanks everyone for your comments.  If I'm being honest, I'm having two battles. One with Social Services, and the other with my brother, who will not listen to advice and is reluctant to accept any change to the way he does things.  He gets annoyed if I try to give him any advice and will not take control of things to do with Mum.  He says "Social Services are doing a good job", when patently they aren't given the condition of Mum.  I had asked him to up the number of Care visits per day, but he wouldn't as he said Mum didn't want more people in the house, and he could handle it.  Well, she got 4 care visits after her fall.  But that didn't stop her falling again.  When I've been there, Mum is running rings around him, and has him at her Beck and Call.  He won't admit to that and just gets all defensive.  It's really frustrating.  
He's really not up to it now, and I've said so to Social Services.  I've had to explain again about a number of my concerns. 
You're right in saying it's about Mum's Health & Safety. That's where I am aiming to with Social.  They are now starting to see my side of it (I hope), and will look more closely at the whole situation. 
I've used the "I'm logging all my emails for future reference" card as that way, they can't deny I made them aware of my concerns.  
I'm having to go behind my brother's back on this, but I have to do it for the sake of both of them.  I'd rather do that, than get a call one day saying my Mum had been found dead after a fall.


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## Robster59 (Mar 18, 2022)

I've just had a call from my brother to say that Social Services have contacted him to confirm that my Mum needs 24/7 care.  I'm glad we have finally got to the right decision for Mum. She is still in hospital, and so now they have to locate a suitable nursing home with dementia care for her.  This will all have to be paid for by the sale of my parent's house, which we knew would happen.  Everybody understands that and agrees to this (although there's not a lot that can be done about it anyway).  
Her condition has deteriorated, and she has had another Covid infection.  That's three since the New Year (2 x Covid and 1 x UTI), and each one will affect her mental capacity.  The main thing is to make sure that the nursing home chosen for Mum is the right one.


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## RichA (Mar 18, 2022)

Good luck. 
We got lucky with my mum's nursing home. First instincts were that it was dreadful, but the staff were lovely and attentive and the residents seemed relatively happy and very well cared for. 
Some expensive place with rooms that feel like a boutique hotel would have looked better, but she wouldn't have cared and would have probably felt isolated. 
Again, good luck. It's hard.


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## Robster59 (Mar 29, 2022)

Well, Mum is now in her Care home.  
After much chasing, I finally got hold of the Social Care worker for the hospital.  They did the assessment and agreed that she now needs 24/7 nursing care.  From that, they did move pretty quickly.  She started looking for a suitable home, and found one for her in the next local authority.  She sorted out all the paperwork, and, whilst Mum still has to contribute, it is just over half the listed rate on their site.  
My brother went in to see her today and she seemed fine.  I'm hoping to get in to see her the end of this week.  First impressions are that the home seems OK but I'll have a good luck when I go down for myself.  
I'm not sure how much she will be taking in anyway.  I'm not even sure she will know who I am.  But as long as she is well cared for, that's all that matters.


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## Tashyboy (Mar 29, 2022)

So yesterday we had a phone call from the memory clinic couldn’t have an appointment because me dad has Covid. Diagnosis, early/moderate Vascular Dementia with alziehmers. So me dad has that and FIL has fell off a cliff with the same diagnosis. Missis T gave me dad a cuddle and said she is proud he took our/ her advice to see the gp as soon as she thought he had signs. Not gonna lie it choked me a bit. It has probably upset her even more that her dad went ballistic when she suggested he should see a dr. Not helped when her mother would not back her up. Is it any consolation that we have trod this path recently re FIL that we know how to go on re help and advice. Not really especially when you know it is a crap journey. Gutted for me dad as like Missis T said “ your dad looked devastated at the diagnosis”. What can you do.
Yesterday afternoon was spent selling FIL caravan, ironically to a guy who’s MiL has just passed away with dementia. At the moment me head ( and Missis Ts) is spinning re what is going on. Walking down the 4th fairway today and the phone rang from the Alzhiemers support workers. Felt a right twazzock telling them I couldn’t talk as am on the course and had PPs waiting. She was lovely and understood. She is ringing tomorrow. Even me time, recharging batteries on the course time is interrupted.


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## Lord Tyrion (Mar 29, 2022)

@Tashyboy  blimey, it's not raining on you, it's pouring. There's nothing uplifting I can really say to all that so just keep posting and let it out.


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## Tashyboy (Mar 29, 2022)

Lord Tyrion said:



@Tashyboy  blimey, it's not raining on you, it's pouring. There's nothing uplifting I can really say to all that so just keep posting and let it out.
		
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I know the forum don’t like long posts, but am only scratching the bloody surface.🤬


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## Robster59 (Mar 29, 2022)

As


Tashyboy said:



			I know the forum don’t like long posts, but am only scratching the bloody surface.🤬
		
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I feel for you. There's not much we can add to this but we're here to listen. As someone who has posted War & Peace on this thread in the past, I think the mods will be understanding given the subject matter. I found it very therapeutic to express myself on here.


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## Lord Tyrion (Mar 29, 2022)

Tashyboy said:



			I know the forum don’t like long posts, but am only scratching the bloody surface.🤬
		
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This thread is the exception to that 👍


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## HomerJSimpson (Mar 29, 2022)

Tashyboy said:



			So yesterday we had a phone call from the memory clinic couldn’t have an appointment because me dad has Covid. Diagnosis, early/moderate Vascular Dementia with alziehmers. So me dad has that and FIL has fell off a cliff with the same diagnosis. Missis T gave me dad a cuddle and said she is proud he took our/ her advice to see the gp as soon as she thought he had signs. Not gonna lie it choked me a bit. It has probably upset her even more that her dad went ballistic when she suggested he should see a dr. Not helped when her mother would not back her up. Is it any consolation that we have trod this path recently re FIL that we know how to go on re help and advice. Not really especially when you know it is a crap journey. Gutted for me dad as like Missis T said “ your dad looked devastated at the diagnosis”. What can you do.
Yesterday afternoon was spent selling FIL caravan, ironically to a guy who’s MiL has just passed away with dementia. At the moment me head ( and Missis Ts) is spinning re what is going on. Walking down the 4th fairway today and the phone rang from the Alzhiemers support workers. Felt a right twazzock telling them I couldn’t talk as am on the course and had PPs waiting. She was lovely and understood. She is ringing tomorrow. Even me time, recharging batteries on the course time is interrupted.
		
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Sorry to hear this pal. Stay strong and make sure you look after yourself and the good lady and take the help for you on offer as well as doing what you can to look after your old man. I lost mine very quickly to cancer (less than 18 months) so know the pain you are feeling. Always feel free to rant on here or via PM.


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## Tashyboy (Mar 29, 2022)

HomerJSimpson said:



			Sorry to hear this pal. Stay strong and make sure you look after yourself and the good lady and take the help for you on offer as well as doing what you can to look after your old man. I lost mine very quickly to cancer (less than 18 months) so know the pain you are feeling. Always feel free to rant on here or via PM.
		
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To be honest Homer this thread has helped massively with advice from folk that have been through to much and it is a good place to sound off. 👍


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## HomerJSimpson (Mar 29, 2022)

Tashyboy said:



			To be honest Homer this thread has helped massively with advice from folk that have been through to much and it is a good place to sound off. 👍
		
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Felt the same way when I was struggling with my mental health during the pandemic waves at the hospital. Some brilliant people on here ready to help and had some great PM's


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## SwingsitlikeHogan (Mar 30, 2022)

MiLs cognitive function seems to be slipping fairly noticeably and worryingly quickly…and if she is noticing she’s not saying.  Just as she doesn‘t share about any other medical issues we suspect she is doing her best to cope with.

We reflect worryingly that the slippage in her cognitive function is a bit like my mum’s, slowly getting worse but nothing really to worry too much about but to monitor in case of possible dementia, until it fell off the cliff as it wasn’t just age or even dementia, it was a brain tumour - the brain had done its very clever trick of managing things until it decided it could no longer do so…and bang…off the cliff mum went 😕


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## Robster59 (Apr 2, 2022)

My Mum went into the care home last Monday and I went to see her yesterday. It wasn't good to see. She couldn't talk and looked awful. Her dementia meant she couldn't talk, so she wrote what she could on a pad, saying she loved us, as much as I could read. She didn't look comfortable, and I had to get the nurse to help her.  It was quite distressing, not only because of her condition, but because I knew she didn't have much time left.
I can back home to Scotland (the care home is in Warrington) and said the same to my missus.  I played golf today and, on the way home, got a call from my brother. He had been in to see Mum this afternoon and had just had a call from the home suggesting he come back in.
When her got there, be called me again, almost in tears, saying that she has low oxygen blood level and what did I think.  I said we needed to just let her go peacefully. He was so relieved that I said that.
I then started ringing my children to let them know the situation, how she was.  They both live away and asked would it be worthwhile coming back to see her.  My niece (her granddaughter) had gone to join my brother, so he had some support. I rang the home direct and asked was it days or hours and was told it was only hours.
I then got a call from my niece to tell me that Mum had passed away. It was quick, peaceful, and she is now at rest.  It's sad, but she was 98, had a good life and loving family, and, if what she believed is true, is reunited with my Dad. 
Am I sad? Yes, of course. But having seen the ravages of old age and dementia, I was prepared for it and knew it would be soon, so it's not a shock or surprise. I'm comforted that she's now at peace.
R.I.P. Mum 💔


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## RichA (Apr 2, 2022)

Robster59 said:



			My Mum went into the care home last Monday and I went to see her yesterday. It wasn't good to see. She couldn't talk and looked awful. Her dementia meant she couldn't talk, so she wrote what she could on a pad, saying she loved us, as much as I could read. She didn't look comfortable and I had to get the nurse to help her.  It was quite distressing, not only because of her condition but I knew she didn't have much time left.
I can back home to Scotland (the care home is in Warrington) and said the same to my missus.  I played golf today and, on the way home, got a call from my brother. Her had been in to see Mum this afternoon and had just had a call from the home suggesting he come back in.
When her got there be called me again, almost in tears, saying that she has low oxygen blood level and what did I think.  I said we needed to just let her go peacefully. He was so relieved that I said that.
I then started ringing my children to let them knows the situation, how she was, they both live away and asked would it be worthwhile coming back to see her.  My niece had gone to join my brother so he had some support. I rang the home direct and asked was it days or hours and was told it was only hours.
I then got a call from my niece (her granddaughter) to tell me that Mum had passed away. It was quick, peaceful, and she is now at rest.  It's sad, but she was 98, had a good life and loving family, and, if what she believed is true, is reunited with my Dad. 
Am I sad? Yes, of course. But having seen the ravages of old age and dementia, I was prepared for it and knew it would be soon so it's not a shock or surprise. I'm comforted that she's now at peace.
R.I.P. Mum 💔
		
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I don't know you, but my thoughts are with you.


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## Tashyboy (Apr 3, 2022)

Robster59 said:



			My Mum went into the care home last Monday and I went to see her yesterday. It wasn't good to see. She couldn't talk and looked awful. Her dementia meant she couldn't talk, so she wrote what she could on a pad, saying she loved us, as much as I could read. She didn't look comfortable and I had to get the nurse to help her.  It was quite distressing, not only because of her condition but I knew she didn't have much time left.
I can back home to Scotland (the care home is in Warrington) and said the same to my missus.  I played golf today and, on the way home, got a call from my brother. Her had been in to see Mum this afternoon and had just had a call from the home suggesting he come back in.
When her got there be called me again, almost in tears, saying that she has low oxygen blood level and what did I think.  I said we needed to just let her go peacefully. He was so relieved that I said that.
I then started ringing my children to let them knows the situation, how she was, they both live away and asked would it be worthwhile coming back to see her.  My niece had gone to join my brother so he had some support. I rang the home direct and asked was it days or hours and was told it was only hours.
I then got a call from my niece (her granddaughter) to tell me that Mum had passed away. It was quick, peaceful, and she is now at rest.  It's sad, but she was 98, had a good life and loving family, and, if what she believed is true, is reunited with my Dad. 
Am I sad? Yes, of course. But having seen the ravages of old age and dementia, I was prepared for it and knew it would be soon so it's not a shock or surprise. I'm comforted that she's now at peace.
R.I.P. Mum 💔
		
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Last paragraph is a bit blurry, for the first time on the forum I have a few, well more than a few tear reading it. Am sure it’s a mixture of your loss. Spending two hours alone with FIL on Friday whilst Missis T took her mother to the hospital for a check up on her Mastectomy. He was a Zombie who spent most of the time asleep or eating the mars bars biscuits I had bought him. One of the few things he said without being prompted. “ I love these”. Or being Told last Monday me dad had early/mid Vascular dementia with Alzhiemers.
Thoughts with you and your family Robster. I just hope the uncertain path you have travelled the last few years with you mother becomes clearer in the near future.


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## full_throttle (Apr 3, 2022)

@Tashyboy 

Maybe this will help you. 
I have completed the Dementia Awareness module from Age UK as I volunteer for them


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## Tashyboy (Apr 3, 2022)

full_throttle said:



@Tashyboy

Maybe this will help you.
I have completed the Dementia Awareness module from Age UK as I volunteer for them
		
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Cheers rob me man greatly appreciated 👍


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## Robster59 (Apr 5, 2022)

I can't believe it's been nearly four years since this thread started (thanks @Lord Tyrion). 
During that time, it has been of great help to me.  Not only for the advice I have been given, but just as a sounding box to release my thoughts and feelings.  
Whilst I am now coming out of the current issues that I have encountered over the years, I am not discounting the fact that more may be coming in the future.  
But I am on here now to say thank you for everyone who has read, liked, responded, advised and just generally commented to all the threads I have posted on here (and thanks to the mods for allowing my long tomes on the subject).  
I can't really express how much of a help and release for my emotions during that time coming on to this thread has been.   
So I am coming on to say thank you to everyone for your support, and, for those who are still going through this sad experience, I will still be following this thread to provide support and assistance where I can.  
Good luck and, once again, thanks to you all.


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## oxymoron (Apr 5, 2022)

Robster59 said:



			My Mum went into the care home last Monday and I went to see her yesterday. It wasn't good to see. She couldn't talk and looked awful. Her dementia meant she couldn't talk, so she wrote what she could on a pad, saying she loved us, as much as I could read. She didn't look comfortable, and I had to get the nurse to help her.  It was quite distressing, not only because of her condition, but because I knew she didn't have much time left.
I can back home to Scotland (the care home is in Warrington) and said the same to my missus.  I played golf today and, on the way home, got a call from my brother. He had been in to see Mum this afternoon and had just had a call from the home suggesting he come back in.
When her got there, be called me again, almost in tears, saying that she has low oxygen blood level and what did I think.  I said we needed to just let her go peacefully. He was so relieved that I said that.
I then started ringing my children to let them know the situation, how she was.  They both live away and asked would it be worthwhile coming back to see her.  My niece (her granddaughter) had gone to join my brother, so he had some support. I rang the home direct and asked was it days or hours and was told it was only hours.
I then got a call from my niece to tell me that Mum had passed away. It was quick, peaceful, and she is now at rest.  It's sad, but she was 98, had a good life and loving family, and, if what she believed is true, is reunited with my Dad.
Am I sad? Yes, of course. But having seen the ravages of old age and dementia, I was prepared for it and knew it would be soon, so it's not a shock or surprise. I'm comforted that she's now at peace.
R.I.P. Mum 💔
		
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Sorry for the lateness of reply , my condolences to you and all your family .
It is indeed a painful journey and i hope as you say you can now find some comfort going forward .


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## Tashyboy (Jun 30, 2022)

Been a while since Ave posted. Me and Missis T have had a good couple of days recharging in Derbyshire and Staffordshire. Really liked Leek. Anyway we’re are sat in a pub in Ashover. Having a Really nice time then my phone rings. MIL is in a panic because FIL has decided to get on a bus at 7.00 pm 😖
What can we do 40 miles away. Suffice to say bro in law found him with the great help of the apple itag missis T bought six months ago. He is now back home. Ironically he saw the consultant today for a review and MIL says he is getting worse ( but allows him to have a wander coz he always comes home). 🤔
Because he spends all day on the settee asleep his muscle mass is just wasting away. He is not good. 
Missi T is a bit bogged off coz we were sat in the pub and she said 2 mins before her mum
Called “I have 1% left on me battery”. It went dead seconds after she found where he was via the Itag.
 Me dad he is early stage dementia and Alzihmers. He is fine but his memory is going. He has done what FIL refused to do for the first three years. Get checked and treated. 
Happy days ahead 😖👍


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## Robster59 (Jun 30, 2022)

Thoughts are with you. It's stressful times, but if you and your missus support each other, you'll get through it. (p.s. invest in  portable phone charger ).


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## Tashyboy (Jun 30, 2022)

Robster59 said:



			Thoughts are with you. It's stressful times, but if you and your missus support each other, you'll get through it. (p.s. invest in  portable phone charger ).
		
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It’s her 60th next month. She will be spoilt 😉😁


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## RichA (Dec 12, 2022)

Currently staying at Dad's in Notts after he had a fall and got an infection. He hasn't got dementia but it's alarming how an infection can mess up an older persons cognitive ability. 4 days ago he drove himself to the forest for a mile walk. The following day he was out for a pub meal with a friend. Now he can't string a coherent sentence together or stand up.
Also troubling is the lack of dementia awareness among the otherwise fabulous medical staff. There are quite a lot of obvious dementia sufferers in the various wards and it's surprising how many staff are clueless how to talk to them and help them.


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## Tashyboy (Dec 12, 2022)

RichA said:



			Currently staying at Dad's in Notts after he had a fall and got an infection. He hasn't got dementia but it's alarming how an infection can mess up an older persons cognitive ability. 4 days ago he drove himself to the forest for a mile walk. The following day he was out for a pub meal with a friend. Now he can't string a coherent sentence together or stand up.
Also troubling is the lack of dementia awareness among the otherwise fabulous medical staff. There are quite a lot of obvious dementia sufferers in the various wards and it's surprising how many staff are clueless how to talk to them and help them.
		
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Just talking to Missis T re your post, she is missing like a donkey re your comment  cognitive behaviour. Stay safe in Notts me duck


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## Lord Tyrion (Dec 12, 2022)

RichA said:



			Currently staying at Dad's in Notts after he had a fall and got an infection. He hasn't got dementia but it's alarming how an infection can mess up an older persons cognitive ability. 4 days ago he drove himself to the forest for a mile walk. The following day he was out for a pub meal with a friend. Now he can't string a coherent sentence together or stand up.
Also troubling is the lack of dementia awareness among the otherwise fabulous medical staff. There are quite a lot of obvious dementia sufferers in the various wards and *it's surprising how many staff are clueless how to talk to them and help them*.
		
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That's massively disappointing. It really isn't that difficult and if it was not in their basic training then I can't believe that they haven't been on a course since then. It's such a massive part of life now, they really should be on the ball with it.

Hope your dad picks up soon.


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## RichA (Dec 12, 2022)

Cheers brothers. It is weird. The Dementia Friends online course only takes an hour or so, from memory. That and caring for my late mum and my living mil leaves me feeling overqualified, by comparison.


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## Tashyboy (Dec 12, 2022)

Lord Tyrion said:



			That's massively disappointing. It really isn't that difficult and if it was not in their basic training then I can't believe that they haven't been on a course since then. It's such a massive part of life now, they really should be on the ball with it.

Hope your dad picks up soon.
		
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Totally understand re folk not being able to talk to folk with dementia. MIL at times disgusts me The way she talks to her husband and Missis T. In fact MIL said to Missis T “ I am sorry if I upset you”. Missis T had had enough and said “ you don’t upset me, you piss me off bigstyle the way you talk to folk”. It had been coming. She has got that lazy and useless that I swear one day she will
Ask Missis T to come round and lick a Stamp coz she cannot do it. 
It’s not just MIL though. Me mum 🤬 Father wa diagnosed with dementia etc a year ago. I have been informing my mum
Of how IN Laws had been going on over last couple of years. Basically to keep them
In the loop. It was a waste of time. I am of the opinion now that to be mum It was just gossip. And it pisses me off. Both our mothers are bogged off coz it has impacted their lives. 😳 what about their husband’s and kids. Me mum
Is now in a 35 day cruise around the Caribbean with me dad in tow. Sometimes i just think I am Banging my bloody head against a wall.


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## Lord Tyrion (Dec 12, 2022)

@Tashyboy my FiL still tries to test his wife with rapid fire questions, even though she is now very advanced with her dementia 🙄. It's plain cruel, he thinks it's funny. He is as clueless now as on day 1.

It used to massively wind my wife up but at least now her mum is in a home and he isn't looking after her, or not, so his impact on her is minimal now. The staff in the home are lovely to her, it has a specialist dementia floor, so they know how to deal with residents correctly and compassionately. Getting her in there was a major move forwards. 

Family huh 🤦‍♂️


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## Tashyboy (Dec 12, 2022)

Lord Tyrion said:



@Tashyboy my FiL still tries to test his wife with rapid fire questions, even though she is now very advanced with her dementia 🙄. It's plain cruel, he thinks it's funny. He is as clueless now as on day 1.

It used to massively wind my wife up but at least now her mum is in a home and he isn't looking after her, or not, so his impact on her is minimal now. The staff in the home are lovely to her, it has a specialist dementia floor, so they know how to deal with residents correctly and compassionately. Getting her in there was a major move forwards. 

Family huh 🤦‍♂️
		
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Families indeed. Surprised no one has started a thread on the forum. 🤔😳😁


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## RichA (Dec 12, 2022)

Way before my mum had dementia, a friend's mum had it. She told us the best tactic was to "jolly them along" and just be nice. It works. 
As soon as you tell them they can't go and see their father because he's been dead 30 years or they were never really a Broadway singing sensation then you're entering conflict territory and in for hours of misery. You don't have to fully play out their harmless fantasy, but if you kill it as soon as it starts you just make them miserable or angry.


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## Tashyboy (Dec 12, 2022)

RichA said:



			Way before my mum had dementia, a friend's mum had it. She told us the best tactic was to "jolly them along" and just be nice. It works. 
As soon as you tell them they can't go and see their father because he's been dead 30 years or they were never really a Broadway singing sensation then you're entering conflict territory and in for hours of misery. You don't have to fully play out their harmless fantasy, but if you kill it as soon as it starts you just make them miserable or angry.
		
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This all day is better than “ Ave just bloody told you”. 😡


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## Robster59 (Dec 13, 2022)

RichA said:



			Currently staying at Dad's in Notts after he had a fall and got an infection. He hasn't got dementia but it's alarming how an infection can mess up an older persons cognitive ability. 4 days ago he drove himself to the forest for a mile walk. The following day he was out for a pub meal with a friend. Now he can't string a coherent sentence together or stand up.
Also troubling is the lack of dementia awareness among the otherwise fabulous medical staff. There are quite a lot of obvious dementia sufferers in the various wards and it's surprising how many staff are clueless how to talk to them and help them.
		
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We had the same thing with my Father-in-Law.  Every time he got an infection, it definitely affected his mental state, and even after he recovered from his infection, his mental capacity never fully recovered.  I do sympathise about your hospital experience.  However, he was far more down the dementia route than your Dad is. 
My Father-in-Law went into the new Queen Elizabeth Hospital in Glasgow.  They have individual rooms, and they put a Forget-Me-Not symbol on the door to advise the nurses that the patient has dementia, but the reality was that they were just too busy to provide dementia care.  Even the food they provided for him was not suitable as they would give him packs of sandwiches which he just could not handle.  We didn't blame the staff.  The ward wasn't designed for dementia patients, and they were rushed off their feet.  
I hope your Dad recovers fully.  You may see a big improvement once his infection clears up.


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## RichA (Dec 13, 2022)

Robster59 said:



			We had the same thing with my Father-in-Law.  Every time he got an infection, it definitely affected his mental state, and even after he recovered from his infection, his mental capacity never fully recovered.  I do sympathise about your hospital experience.  However, he was far more down the dementia route than your Dad is.
My Father-in-Law went into the new Queen Elizabeth Hospital in Glasgow.  They have individual rooms, and they put a Forget-Me-Not symbol on the door to advise the nurses that the patient has dementia, but the reality was that they were just too busy to provide dementia care.  Even the food they provided for him was not suitable as they would give him packs of sandwiches which he just could not handle.  We didn't blame the staff.  The ward wasn't designed for dementia patients, and they were rushed off their feet. 
I hope your Dad recovers fully.  You may see a big improvement once his infection clears up.
		
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Thanks man.


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## Rooter (Dec 13, 2022)

After 71 years of marriage, it has been taken out of our hands and my grandparents have been split up. They have quite differing needs now. It’s absolutely heart breaking. The only plus is they don’t really know what’s going on. Went to see them both this week, and the people that work in the homes need a bloody medal. 

Grandad couldn’t work out how we had his photo already! 😂


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## Tashyboy (Dec 18, 2022)

RichA said:



			Currently staying at Dad's in Notts after he had a fall and got an infection. He hasn't got dementia but it's alarming how an infection can mess up an older persons cognitive ability. 4 days ago he drove himself to the forest for a mile walk. The following day he was out for a pub meal with a friend. Now he can't string a coherent sentence together or stand up.
Also troubling is the lack of dementia awareness among the otherwise fabulous medical staff. There are quite a lot of obvious dementia sufferers in the various wards and it's surprising how many staff are clueless how to talk to them and help them.
		
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Not a pleasant read Rich but one you may be able to relate to.

https://news.sky.com/story/hospital...ne-amid-nhs-and-social-care-gridlock-12768458


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## RichA (Dec 18, 2022)

Tashyboy said:



			Not a pleasant read Rich but one you may be able to relate to.

https://news.sky.com/story/hospital...ne-amid-nhs-and-social-care-gridlock-12768458

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Thankfully, Dad is fighting his infection well and after 4 moves in 4 days ended up on a rehabilitation ward, so he's actually getting a little stimulation. He doesn't have any obvious dementia - just typical 90-something dodderiness - and is quite sociable, so he seems to get some good interaction with all the staff. The story very much rings bells of when my mum went into hospital though. Very similar, in fact.
The lack of stimulation is really bad though. Every ward bed has one of those individual TV things, but it's about £30 per week for the basic channels everyone gets at home for free. Most of the old folks just sit staring into space for hours on end.
Fortunately, my siblings have rallied a bit and Dad has had one of us with him every day since he went in last Saturday. No mean feat when he's in Notts and we're spread between Herts, Essex, Gloucs and the Caribbean.


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