# A Joke For Friday



## Region3 (Nov 15, 2013)

A group of Hells Angels bikers from Illinois were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.


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## bladeplayer (Nov 15, 2013)

:clap: made me laugh anyhow Gary , thanks


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## FairwayDodger (Nov 15, 2013)

Reminded me of this article I saw recently....

http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2013/11/1...dered-across-the-world-in-the-past-12-months/

Didn't find it funny.


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## bladeplayer (Nov 15, 2013)

FairwayDodger said:



			Reminded me of this article I saw recently....

http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2013/11/1...dered-across-the-world-in-the-past-12-months/

Didn't find it funny.
		
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Im trying to think of a reply to that Karen ,  i cant , except to apologise if you seriously think either me or Gary (id imagine) think that we found the killing / jumping part as the funny part .. the funny part to me was on the biker show off ..

Again apologies if it offended you


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## pokerjoke (Nov 15, 2013)

Region3 said:



			A group of Hells Angels bikers from Illinois were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
		
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Made me smile.


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## Slime (Nov 15, 2013)

It actually made me laugh ............... and I don't do that very often!

*Slime*.


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## chrisd (Nov 15, 2013)

Slime said:



			It actually made me laugh ............... and I don't do that very often!

*Slime*.
		
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I can vouch for his honesty ...... Last years H4H!


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## Baldy Bouncer (Nov 15, 2013)

FairwayDodger said:



			Reminded me of this article I saw recently....

http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2013/11/1...dered-across-the-world-in-the-past-12-months/

Didn't find it funny.
		
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The article or the joke?


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## Slime (Nov 15, 2013)

chrisd said:



			I can vouch for his honesty ...... Last years H4H! 

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:rofl::rofl::rofl:


*Slime*.


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## williamalex1 (Nov 15, 2013)

How many countdown fans does it take to change a blugthibl.:lol:


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## SocketRocket (Nov 15, 2013)

A man who has his ear ripped off in a  traffic accident is offered a new transplant operation where they reshape and transplant an ear from a pig.   The new ear looks just like his real ear and he is chuffed.

The surgeon asks him to come back in two months to see how the new ear is performing.  When he comes back he is asked if he is still happy with it to which he replies that he is still very pleased.   The Surgeon asks if he has experienced ay side effects and he replies "Sometimes when I sit a bit close to the fire I get a bit of crackling in it"


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## williamalex1 (Nov 15, 2013)

SocketRocket said:



			A man who has his ear ripped off in a  traffic accident is offered a new transplant operation where they reshape and transplant an ear from a pig.   The new ear looks just like his real ear and he is chuffed.

The surgeon asks him to come back in two months to see how the new ear is performing.  When he comes back he is asked if he is still happy with it to which he replies that he is still very pleased.   The Surgeon asks if he has experienced ay side effects and he replies "Sometimes when I sit a bit close to the fire I get a bit of crackling in it"
		
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Then applies some onkment.


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## Crow (Nov 15, 2013)

SocketRocket said:



			A man who has his ear ripped off in a  traffic accident is offered a new transplant operation where they reshape and transplant an ear from a pig.   The new ear looks just like his real ear and he is chuffed.

The surgeon asks him to come back in two months to see how the new ear is performing.  When he comes back he is asked if he is still happy with it to which he replies that he is still very pleased.   The Surgeon asks if he has experienced ay side effects and he replies "Sometimes when I sit a bit close to the fire I get a bit of crackling in it"
		
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That's good.


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## beggsy (Nov 15, 2013)

What has a joke got to do with trans getting murdered I found it very funny and even funnier that you needed to post that article


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## JustOne (Nov 16, 2013)

williamalex1 said:



			How many countdown fans does it take to change a blugthibl.:lol:
		
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Simple and clever... I like that one :thup:


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## wheyward (Nov 16, 2013)

Did you hear about the trainspotter that got hit by a locomotive?

...

He was chuffed to bits!!


(Think it's time I went to bed!)


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## Blue in Munich (Nov 16, 2013)

wheyward said:



			Did you hear about the trainspotter that got hit by a locomotive?

...

He was chuffed to bits!!


(Think it's time I went to bed!)
		
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I liked all of them but this was probably the best.


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## Region3 (Nov 22, 2013)

Here we go again...



The FBI had an opening for an assassin.  


After all the background checks, 
Interviews And testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two men and a woman.


For the final test, the FBI agents took one of  the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.


'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.


Inside the room you find your wife sitting  in a chair..... Kill her!!'


The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could  never shoot my wife.'


The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.  Take your wife and go home.'


The second man was given the same 
Instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.  The man came out with 
Tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'


Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks she said.

'I had to kill him with the chair!


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## Snelly (Nov 22, 2013)

Hmmmm?


Here's another...

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher....


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## chrisd (Nov 22, 2013)

Snelly said:



			Hmmmm?


Here's another...

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher....
		
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When I saw that you had posted on the joke section I was sure that my chipping and putting was going to come up!


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## sfby (Nov 22, 2013)

Four elderly gents are walking down a street in Manchester. They turn a 
corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Pub - All drinks 20p." 

They look at each other in disbelief and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true. 

The old man behind the bar says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me get you one! What'll it be, gentlemen?" 

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men order dry martinis. In no time at all the landlord serves up four martinis and says, "That'll be 20p each, please." 

The four guys stare at him for a moment, then at each other. They can't 
believe their good luck. 

They pay the 80p, enjoy their martinis, then order another round. 

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 80p, please." 

They pay up, but their curiosity is getting the better of them. Finally one of them asks, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 20p a throw?" 

"I'm a retired tailor," the landlord says, "and I always wanted to own a pub. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for Â£25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 20p - that's Wine, spirits, liqueurs, beer - they're all the same." 

"Wow! That's what I call sharing your good fortune!" one of the men replies. 

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing several 
other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them 
and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. 

Nodding at the men at the far end of the bar, one of the men asks the barman, "With prices like yours, how come they're not drinking?" 

The landlord says, "They're from Yorkshire. They're waiting for Happy Hour".


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## brendy (Nov 22, 2013)

^^ very good.


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## PhilTheFragger (Nov 22, 2013)

Bit anti Yorkist if you ask me


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## williamalex1 (Nov 22, 2013)

I've  just started a special relationship with a blind woman, It's very rewarding, but challenging. IT TOOK ME AGES TO GET HER HUSBANDS VOICE JUST RIGHT.


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## Cherry13 (Nov 22, 2013)

I used to date a dolphin, it was amazing, we used to get on really well.  We just clicked!


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## Foxholer (Nov 22, 2013)

FairwayDodger said:



			Reminded me of this article I saw recently....

http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2013/11/1...dered-across-the-world-in-the-past-12-months/

Didn't find it funny.
		
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Lenny Hendry et al appear to be right!

Political correctness will kill comedy! 

While murder of anyone is abhorrent, there are (well used to be) more than that number, of murders every year in Washington FC!

And there's probably significantly more than that many deaths from (State sanctioned) starvation EVERY HOUR in many parts of Africa!

Perspective!

BTW. Tht made me laugh for several reasons! Thanks Gary.


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## Foxholer (Nov 22, 2013)

PhilTheFragger said:



			Bit anti Yorkist if you ask me  

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But oh so true for several of the ones I know! :clap:


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## Slime (Nov 22, 2013)

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went .................... then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

PMT jokes aren't funny ........................... period.

I wondered why the golf ball was getting bigger .............................. then it hit me!

*Slime*.


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## williamalex1 (Nov 22, 2013)

Slime said:



			Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went .................... then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

PMT jokes aren't funny ........................... period.

I wondered why the golf ball was getting bigger .............................. then it hit me!

*Slime*.
		
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:rofl:


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## SocketRocket (Nov 23, 2013)

Policeman stopped me in my car.   
He said "Give me your name Sir"
I said    "What am I going to use then"

He said " Where were you between '5' and '11"
I   said  "Junior School"

He said  " you "W@@@@r"  I said, "I wish your Father was one"

He said "You were going at a fair lick down that hill, what if there was Mister Fog'  (West country )
I said " I would put Mister foot on Mister brake, Mister foot on Mister Clutch and put Mister gear into Mister Second"
He said "I'm booking you!"
I said "Why?"
He said "You started it.   I only asked what you would do if there was Mist or FOG"


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## Slime (Nov 23, 2013)

Broken pencils are pointless. 

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?    A thesaurus.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded the dough. 

Velcro ............................ what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home ............................ details are sketchy.


*Slime*.


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## Slime (Nov 23, 2013)

A policeman caught me in a public toilet last night with a bag of class 'A' drugs in my pocket!


"It's not my fault Officer", I said, "every time I flush them down the toilet, they re-appear back in my pocket".

"You don't expect me to believe that now, do you"? he smirked,

"Honest", I pleaded, "I'll prove it if you like".

"Yeah right", he said, "go on then, prove it", he said sarcastically, handing me the bag.

I dropped it down the loo and flushed it.

"Right", he said, "let's look in your pocket".

"What for"? says I.

"For the drugs", he says,



















"What drugs"?? 				

*Slime*.


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## SocketRocket (Nov 23, 2013)

What do you call a one eyed Dinosaur?    Doyathinkhesaurus.

Who's the coolest person in the Hospital?    The Hip Surgeon!

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again

Do you ever get that when you're half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, 'I'm not as hungry as I thought I was'

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.


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## Slime (Nov 23, 2013)

SocketRocket said:



			Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
		
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As is farting in a lift!

*Slime*.


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## richart (Nov 23, 2013)

Two blondes walked into a building, you would have thought at least one of them would have seen it. The late great Tommy Cooper.


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## vkurup (Nov 24, 2013)

A young man and a priest are playing golf together. At a short par 3 the priest asks, 'What are you going to use on this hole, my son?'

The young man says, 'An iron, father. How about you?'

The priest says, 'I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray.'

The young man hits his iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, 'I don't know about you, father, but in my church when we pray we keep our heads down.'


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## Wildrover (Nov 25, 2013)

Three seniors stood on the first tee, first one says
"Windy today isn't it"
Second one says
"No it's not it's Thursday"
Third one says
"Me too, lets go for a drink instead"


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## gripitripit (Nov 25, 2013)

I was in the pub with my mate the other night when he started talking about 'I'm A Celebrity'

He said, "Could you ever eat an ostrich penis?" 

"I tried eating one when I was drunk once," I replied, "But I couldn't do it."

"Because the taste was disgusting?" he asked.

I said, "No, because it kept kicking me in the head."


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## Pathetic Shark (Nov 25, 2013)

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.  They charged one and let the other one off.

 Three boys were arrested today for sticking fireworks up a dog's backside - "Rectum" the police offer wrote down. "Well it didn;t do them a lot of good" one of the boys replied.


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## two-clubs (Nov 25, 2013)

A neighbour thought he'd surprise the post lady one morning by going to the door naked and putting his willy through the letterbox.

I don't know what shocked her more, the surprise through the letter box or the fact he knew where she lived....


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## bladeplayer (Nov 26, 2013)

*Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: **
**'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.  Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from  London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax  and..... OH, MY GOD !' **

Silence followed! 
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.  
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I  was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'  
*
*One Irish passenger yelled...**

'For fECk's sake ........ you should see**the back of mine!!!*


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## Khamelion (Nov 26, 2013)

^^^^^ That did make me chuckle Blade


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## SocketRocket (Nov 29, 2013)

I was watching LPGA Golf today.

I have to say that the Women Golfers are not very good at Driving but are great with an Iron


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## mikee247 (Nov 29, 2013)

Slime said:



			A policeman caught me in a public toilet last night with a bag of class 'A' drugs in my pocket!


"It's not my fault Officer", I said, "every time I flush them down the toilet, they re-appear back in my pocket".

"You don't expect me to believe that now, do you"? he smirked,

"Honest", I pleaded, "I'll prove it if you like".

"Yeah right", he said, "go on then, prove it", he said sarcastically, handing me the bag.

I dropped it down the loo and flushed it.

"Right", he said, "let's look in your pocket".

"What for"? says I.

"For the drugs", he says,



















"What drugs"?? 				

*Slime*.
		
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 you kind of know its coming and its still funny - very Morecambe and Wise


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## Khamelion (Nov 29, 2013)

A guy goes to Moscow on business. The first night he picks up a hooker in the Hotel Bar and takes her back to his room. Being a hooker, he's not expecting much but, as they're going at, it she starts moaning. So he ups the tempo and she starts squealing.  He's really getting into it now, and gets a really good rythm going, and she starts screaming.

Afterwards, she's shattered. She drags herself to her feet, takes the money and says, "Mushka! Mushka!"

"She must have loved that and is telling me well done," the guys thinks.

Next day he meets his business contact, and they go off for a round of golf. The Russian tees off first. He hits a screamer right down the middle of the fairway, 300 yards, a perfect shot.

Keen to impress, the tourist wants to use the little Russian he knows, so he says, "Mushka! Mushka!"

The Russian looks at him and says, "What do you mean, wrong hole?"


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## Sponge1980 (Nov 29, 2013)

My wife has said she's leaving me because I'm too conceited. I told her to close the door on her way back in.

She also hates it when I swap her chocolate bar wrappers around. She gets her snickers in a twix.


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## JCW (Nov 29, 2013)

Men drinking at the bar looking sad , his mate ask him why he is so sad , he says my thai wife has got cancer , how long you been married to her , 10 years mate , what type of cancer has she got ...............................................








  testicular cancer  .............................................................................EYG


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## Slime (Nov 29, 2013)

JCW said:



			EYG
		
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?

*Slime*.


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## Evesdad (Nov 29, 2013)

Slime said:



			?

*Slime*.
		
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Glad I'm not the only one seen this a few times today! I must be getting old!


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## bluewolf (Nov 29, 2013)

Enjoy Your Golf........


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## Slime (Nov 29, 2013)

bluewolf said:



			Enjoy Your Golf........

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Thank goodness for that, for a while I thought it was Eat Your Gonads!

*Slime*.


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## Khamelion (Nov 30, 2013)

Slime said:



			Thank goodness for that, for a while I thought it was Eat Your Gonads!

*Slime*.
		
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Would that be prairie oysters or sweetbreads?


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## Sharktooth (Nov 30, 2013)

Why are Pirates called Pirates?












Cos they AAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR


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## two-clubs (Dec 2, 2013)

An Irishman was in a pub and saw two big girls by the bar. 
Both had strange accents, so he said "Are you two girls from Scotland?" 
One screamed "WALES, you frigging idiot!" 
He immediately apologised and said, 
"Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"


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## SocketRocket (Dec 4, 2013)

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.
 "Hello?"
 "Mrs. Sanders, please."
 "Speaking."
 "Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory.
  When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well.  We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.  Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
  "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.  We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful!  Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
  "Normally we could have, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."
  ''Well, what am I supposed to do now? "
  "We recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.   If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."


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## SocketRocket (Dec 4, 2013)

The Haircut... 

Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without 

forgetting. 

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he 

asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money 

from you, I'm doing community service this week.' 

The florist was pleased and left the shop. 

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 

'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. 

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill 

, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing 

community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. 

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank 

you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. 

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to 

pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from 

you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament 

was very happy and left the shop. 

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen 

Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.


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## JCW (Dec 4, 2013)

Stevie Wonder just finished his concert and was in the dressing room when Tiger Woods came in to say how much he enjoyed his show , they got chatting and stevie wonder said to Tiger I play golf too you know , yeah man I play , whats your handicap then said Tiger 

Stevie wonder .....Scratch , man scratch 
TW ........but you are blind , how you know where you going 
SW .........easy man , my caddie set me up and clubs me then goes down the fairway and shouts , over here stevie 
TW .......then what 
SW ........I hit the ball towards the voice till I am on the green 
TW ......... then what 
Sw .........He set me up and gets down by the hole and says over here stevie and I putt , easy   
Tiger ....... you play lots then 
SW ......... not much of late 
TW ........why not ?
SW ....... I like to play for big money 
TW ........ and ?
SW .........Nobody wants to play me 
TW........... why ? 
SW ............. coz I always win 
TW ........ooh really 
SW ........hey maybe you like to play me Tiger as you are the Best and world No 1 
TW .......how much per hole 
SW ..........20,000 per hole matchplay scratch 
TW .........ok I have some of that 
SW ..........Great 
TW .........When you available and want to play :mmm::mmm: ?
 SW ...... That's easy .....anytime at  NIGHT !!!!!!!


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## drawboy (Dec 4, 2013)

On my way to work this morning I passed a large roundabout, in the middle there was an asylum seeker eating grass. I pulled up and said "Why are you eating grass"? "I havn't eaten for three weeks meester" he answered. "C'mon mate get in the car " I said. "O meester thanks so much I'll go get my family" I replied " get stuffed my lawn isn't that large"


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## Slime (Oct 3, 2019)

Resurrecting an old thread.


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