# Cheer me up guys!



## PhilTheFragger (May 19, 2017)

So
I've had the operation and feeling very sore and a bit fed up.
All the political stuff is a big downer, 
So
Cheer me and everyone else up, jokes, funny stories anything 

Thanks or I'll show you a pic of my catheter


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## Lord Tyrion (May 19, 2017)

You had the operation and woke up afterwards. That's a great start &#128513;.  

Don't make stuff too funny, you don't want those stitches tearing.


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## chrisd (May 19, 2017)

Why not just catch up on SILH'S Brexit thread - does it for me Phil !


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## PhilTheFragger (May 19, 2017)

chrisd said:



			Why not just catch up on SILH'S Brexit thread - does it for me Phil !
		
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I started to get suicidal thoughts so stopped


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## moogie (May 19, 2017)

Good news
You've not lost any money to your brother on the golf course this week.....


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## Paperboy (May 19, 2017)

Your probably still a better golfer then me


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## Hobbit (May 19, 2017)

One positive is you've lost weight!

From breakfast yesterday. My beautiful (blonde) wife takes a glass out of the cupboard and then fills it with cornflakes..... she then stares at the glass for 10 secs, and says "I've got that wrong haven't I?" I couldn't answer for laughing!


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## Maninblack4612 (May 19, 2017)

P. S. I could share some great jokes with you but you wouldn't see a lot of me on the Forum after that.


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## anotherdouble (May 19, 2017)

Good to hear things on the up phil. Can't type for too long as got to go to work as a security officer at a Samsung shop. I am a defender of the galaxy


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## Hobbit (May 19, 2017)

anotherdouble said:



			Good to hear things on the up phil. Can't type for too long as got to go to work as a security officer at a Samsung shop. I am a defender of the galaxy
		
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Brilliant!

I've just shared that with Mrs Hobbit... the clever reply, in a flash, "and on that Note." She didn't even realise how good a reply it was.


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## Marshy77 (May 19, 2017)

Hobbit said:



			One positive is you've lost weight!

From breakfast yesterday. My beautiful (blonde) wife takes a glass out of the cupboard and then fills it with cornflakes..... she then stares at the glass for 10 secs, and says "I've got that wrong haven't I?" I couldn't answer for laughing!
		
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HAHA

All the best with the recovery Phil, hope your back on the course sooner rather than later.


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## ADB (May 19, 2017)




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## Norrin Radd (May 19, 2017)

ADB said:



View attachment 22672

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you forgot ,heres looking at you Kidney.


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## Norrin Radd (May 19, 2017)

there is a new aftershave just out ,i dont know what its called but it smells of breadcrumbs .............the birds love it


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## Deleted Member 1156 (May 19, 2017)

Hobbit said:



			My beautiful *(blonde)* wife
		
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How many have you got??


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## Norrin Radd (May 19, 2017)

the best joke around at the moment ......................DONALD TRUMP.


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## fundy (May 19, 2017)

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?" 
The husband said, "No sweetie." 
The woman said, "I'm sure you would." 
So the man said, "Okay, I would" 
Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" 
And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." 
Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" 
And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."


Good to her the op went well Phil


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## HowlingGale (May 19, 2017)

Man being questioned about killing his wife with a stray ball on the golf course.

Police officer: "can you explain what happened?"
Man: "I was taking my normal swing, the ball went wildly right, hit my wife on the side of her head and spun away into the trees. She was just lying motionless on the ground".
Police Officer: "How did a ball become inserted in her rectum?"
Man: "Ummm, that was my provisional."


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## anotherdouble (May 19, 2017)

Hobbit said:



			Brilliant!

I've just shared that with Mrs Hobbit... the clever reply, in a flash, "and on that Note." She didn't even realise how good a reply it was.
		
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Ha ha. 1 up to Mrs H.


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## Region3 (May 19, 2017)

Glad it all went well Phil :thup:


I don't know about cheer you up, but I went to the beach yesterday and saw some absolutely disgusting behaviour.

I was on the seafront and saw a man and a woman having an almighty argument in front of loads of kids, suddenly the woman smacked the guy in the head and it all kicked off.

There was a massive brawl and someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own and took his baton to the man, the guy managed to snatch it off him and began assaulting the copper AND his wife!

Then out of nowhere a crocodile crept up and stole all the sausages.


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## tugglesf239 (May 19, 2017)

The police knocked on my door yesterday. Tried to arrest me for stealing my next door neighbours wife's knickers from the washing line

Tell you what...

I nearly pooed her pants!


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## bobmac (May 19, 2017)

https://www.facebook.com/MeanwhileI...5184862581285/670391776393925/?type=1&theater


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## stokie_93 (May 19, 2017)

A man and his wife are playing the 5th hole at their club when he slices his drive so far to the right it rolls into an equipment barn. He finds the ball and plans to take a drop when she says, "Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open. Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway."
He thinks this is a good idea, so she holds the door. He takes a big swing, but rather than flying through the door, the ball hits her in the head and kills her.
A year later, the same man and his new bride are playing the same hole when he again slices the ball into the shed. He finds it and plans to take an unplayable lie when she says, "Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open. Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway."
​
He looks at her, shakes his head, and explains, "No way. The last time I tried that, I took a triple bogey on this hole!"


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## HomerJSimpson (May 19, 2017)

PhilTheFragger said:



			So
I've had the operation and feeling very sore and a bit fed up.
All the political stuff is a big downer, 
So
Cheer me and everyone else up, jokes, funny stories anything 

Thanks or I'll show you a pic of my catheter 

Click to expand...

Imurg is still rubbish even without you to beat


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## Hobbit (May 19, 2017)

Two old codgers just about to tee off on the first. First one goes through his usual pre-shot routine at address. He glances up and notices a hearse and cortege driving past the course. He steps back from the ball and removes his flat cap. He then replaces his cap and re-addresses the ball. Just as he's about to hit it his mate says, "whoa, whoa, WHOA! In all the years I've known you you've been awkward, bad tempered and selfish. That's the first decent thing I've ever seen you do. Why?" The first golfer replies, "well, she was a good wife."


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## SatchFan (May 19, 2017)

What's green and smells of bacon?  

Kermit's finger.


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## Foxholer (May 19, 2017)

PhilTheFragger said:



			So
I've had the operation and feeling very sore and a bit fed up.
All the political stuff is a big downer, 
So
Cheer me and everyone else up, jokes, funny stories anything 

Thanks or I'll show you a pic of my catheter 

Click to expand...

I heard about a guy who went to get a dodgy kidney removed - but they realised afterwards they'd removed the 'good' one!


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## Junior (May 19, 2017)

PhilTheFragger said:



			So
I've had the operation and feeling very sore and a bit fed up.
All the political stuff is a big downer, 
So
Cheer me and everyone else up, jokes, funny stories anything 

Thanks or I'll show you a pic of my catheter 

Click to expand...

How do you make a tissue dance ?????









......Put a boogie in it


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## williamalex1 (May 19, 2017)

Phil, issue a few infractions, that'll cheer you up


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## ADB (May 19, 2017)

My favourite joke from the late Sir Clement Freud...

I heard a rather nice story about a man who drank alot and his wife said "if you ever come home drunk again, I'm going to leave you". He went out to a pub and drank alot and was sick all over his shirt, and said to his friend "If I go home like this my wife will leave me". His friend said "I tell you what, put a twenty-pound note in your inside jacket pocket, go home and show it to her and tell her somebody threw-up over you and he gave you the money for the dry-cleaning bill.". 

 He goes home and his wife's angry at the state of him and tells him she is leaving but he says "No, no, no, somebody was sick on me and he put a twenty-pound note in my jacket pocket for the dry-cleaning bill". His wife digs into his jacket pocket and pulls out some money, she said "Why have you got two twenty-pound notes in there?", he said "Oh the other is from the man who shat in my pants".


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## Liverbirdie (May 19, 2017)

Region3 said:



			Glad it all went well Phil :thup:


I don't know about cheer you up, but I went to the beach yesterday and saw some absolutely disgusting behaviour.

I was on the seafront and saw a man and a woman having an almighty argument in front of loads of kids, suddenly the woman smacked the guy in the head and it all kicked off.

There was a massive brawl and someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own and took his baton to the man, the guy managed to snatch it off him and began assaulting the copper AND his wife!

Then out of nowhere a crocodile crept up and stole all the sausages.
		
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I remember this from last year, I had to post it on FB, one of the posts of the year.

Phil, whats the difference between a buffalo, and a bison.












You cant wash your hair (or baldy pate) in a Bison. Gerrrcccchhhaaaaa


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## Stuart_C (May 19, 2017)

Junior said:



			How do you make a tissue dance ?????









......Put a boogie in it   

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Poor, very poor.


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## anotherdouble (May 19, 2017)

You can Always tune in to Arsenal fan tv. Has kept me amused all season.


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## jdpjamesp (May 19, 2017)

fundy said:



			A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?" 
The husband said, "No sweetie." 
The woman said, "I'm sure you would." 
So the man said, "Okay, I would" 
Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" 
And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." 
Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" 
And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."


Good to her the op went well Phil 

Click to expand...


Reminds me of the story I heard recently. 

Man and a woman are on a long distance train journey. There's been some sort of mix-up with the booking and they're sharing a cabin. 
The chap gets into the top bunk and the woman gets in the bottom one and they start to settle. But the chap is feeling cold. 
"Excuse me," he says, "would you mind reaching into the closet and getting me another blanket?" 
"I've got a much better idea," says the woman. "Why don't we, just for tonight, pretend that we're married?" 
The guy can't believe his luck and agrees. 
"Great. Now get out of f'ing bed and get the f'ing blanket yourself."


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## SwingsitlikeHogan (May 19, 2017)

chrisd said:



			Why not just catch up on SILH'S Brexit thread - does it for me Phil !
		
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Not fair...but OK...I will turn the other cheek


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## stokie_93 (May 19, 2017)

Region3 said:



			Glad it all went well Phil :thup:


I don't know about cheer you up, but I went to the beach yesterday and saw some absolutely disgusting behaviour.

I was on the seafront and saw a man and a woman having an almighty argument in front of loads of kids, suddenly the woman smacked the guy in the head and it all kicked off.

There was a massive brawl and someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own and took his baton to the man, the guy managed to snatch it off him and began assaulting the copper AND his wife!

Then out of nowhere a crocodile crept up and stole all the sausages.
		
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Is it just me that doesn't get it?


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## Hobbit (May 19, 2017)

stokie_93 said:



			Is it just me that doesn't get it? 

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 I promise you've almost certainly seen this in real life....... a punch and Judy show


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## PhilTheFragger (May 19, 2017)

stokie_93 said:



			Is it just me that doesn't get it? 

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Punch n Judy 

You not knowing it cheered me up more than the original &#128514;&#128514;
Thanks guys keep em coming &#128077;


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## SwingsitlikeHogan (May 19, 2017)

I think Theresa May is marvellous - and in the face of her awesome powers of persuasion am becoming ever more convinced that Brexit will be great.  And wee Nicola is a witch...


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## fundy (May 19, 2017)

PhilTheFragger said:



			Punch n Judy 

You not knowing it cheered me up more than the original &#128514;&#128514;
Thanks guys keep em coming &#128077;
		
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hurry up and get better i need pc advice again lol


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## Hobbit (May 19, 2017)

fundy said:



			hurry up and get better i need pc advice again lol
		
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The only PC advice I can give you is don't discriminate between race, creed or colour... oh, and don't be ageist or heightist.


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## PhilTheFragger (May 19, 2017)

fundy said:



			hurry up and get better i need pc advice again lol
		
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Brain still working ( apparently)
Feel free to pm me mate &#128077;


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## PhilTheFragger (May 19, 2017)

Hobbit said:



			The only PC advice I can give you is don't discriminate between race, creed or colour... oh, and don't be ageist or heightist.
		
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Or hairy footist &#128526;&#128077;&#128514;


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## Hobbit (May 19, 2017)

PhilTheFragger said:



			Or hairy footist &#62990;&#62541;&#62978;
		
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There you go discriminating! Its a foot that happens to be very hairy, it isn't a hairy foot. I'm sure I'll get a grant from the local Labour council to create a drop-in centre for those of us that suffer from feet that are hairy. 

Even the local hair stylist won't do my feet! I feel so isolated and alone...:mmm:


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## SwingsitlikeHogan (May 19, 2017)

I was thinking that my (carry) bag was feeling a bit heavy - so I emptied it of balls this morning.  55 golf balls!  Do you *know* how *heavy* 55 golf balls are?  And (wouldn't you know it) they are all pick-ups - which makes me feel good


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## PhilTheFragger (May 19, 2017)

Hobbit said:



			There you go discriminating! Its a foot that happens to be very hairy, it isn't a hairy foot. I'm sure I'll get a grant from the local Labour council to create a drop-in centre for those of us that suffer from feet that are hairy. 

Even the local hair stylist won't do my feet! I feel so isolated and alone...:mmm:
		
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If you keep giving me feeder lines I'll take em 

Tried Veet? Or do you feel you would lose your identity &#128514;&#128514;&#128514;


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## PhilTheFragger (May 19, 2017)

Ouch that smarts &#128563;&#129310;&#129310;&#129310;


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## user2010 (May 19, 2017)

That didn`t work!!!

javascript:;https://www.instagram.com/p/BUOd8s5BD6e/?taken-by=royalandawesome


Maybe this one did though, hang on a mo!
https://www.instagram.com/p/BTzJ6exgdFo/?taken-by=golfgrinders

Yes!, now the link above is quality.:thup:
Homer`s latest swing change needs some fine tuning!!!:whoo:

Enjoy.


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## SocketRocket (May 19, 2017)

I would like to tell you the one about Denzil Penburthy's Wife doing the splits in the shower but it would definitely lead to a life ban.


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## Deleted Member 1156 (May 19, 2017)

SwingsitlikeHogan said:



			I was thinking that my (carry) bag was feeling a bit heavy - so I emptied it of balls this morning.  55 golf balls!  Do you *know* how *heavy* 55 golf balls are?  And (wouldn't you know it) they are all pick-ups - *which makes me feel good* 

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Well it shouldn't because you have clearly been spending too much time looking for your balls in the rough!


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## Hobbit (May 19, 2017)

PhilTheFragger said:



			If you keep giving me feeder lines I'll take em 

Tried Veet? Or do you feel you would lose your identity &#62978;&#62978;&#62978;
		
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Have you read the Veet review on the Amazon website.... seriously, you will absolutely wet yourself with laughter - which isn't a bad thing if you want to know if your kidley is working ok.

The review titled "A warning from across the pond."


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## Imurg (May 19, 2017)

Hobbit said:



			Have you read the Veet review on the Amazon website.... seriously, you will absolutely wet yourself with laughter - which isn't a bad thing if you want to know if your kidley is working ok.
		
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Is that his Kidley Widley.....&#128540;


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## full_throttle (May 19, 2017)

Phil, after more than 100 years scientists have discovered the swimming pool on the Titanic is still full of water,


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## Fish (May 19, 2017)

Sympathy, pfft, you'll find it between **** and syphilis in the dictionary :smirk:  

and....I'm going to overtake you this week in the Fantasy League, you got some salt to rub in them there wounds  
	



:smirk:


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## Tashyboy (May 19, 2017)

Euro an twenty cents a pint sat in these. ( me lovely blue crocs) Heaven. Only the golf monthly site dont know its 2017 so any thing over half a kb cannot be downloaded. 

On a positive note i won the benidorm monthly medal last night on the crazy golf with the windmill playing particularly tough with a wind over the left shoulder. Ma Pa and missis t were clearly pissed off as hours on the puttimg green clearly paid off. Card was signed so expecting a hcap cut. &#128077;Y


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## ger147 (May 19, 2017)

PhilTheFragger said:



			I started to get suicidal thoughts so stopped 

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Hard suicide or soft suicide? And what is the cost of No suicide so we can work out if that's a good option or a dire one?


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## PhilTheFragger (May 19, 2017)

Hobbit said:



			Have you read the Veet review on the Amazon website.... seriously, you will absolutely wet yourself with laughter - which isn't a bad thing if you want to know if your kidley is working ok.

The review titled "A warning from across the pond."
		
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I've seen it it's a classic, there is a reason why Veet rhymes with feet

Moi remaining kidley widley is very happy and has taken up the slack without any problems, so hopefully out home tomorrow's &#128077;&#128077;


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## Hobbit (May 19, 2017)

PhilTheFragger said:



			I've seen it it's a classic, there is a reason why Veet rhymes with feet

Moi remaining kidley widley is very happy and has taken up the slack without any problems, so hopefully out home tomorrow's &#62541;&#62541;
		
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Does that mean you're taking pee?


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## Maninblack4612 (May 19, 2017)

SocketRocket said:



			I would like to tell you the one about Denzil Penburthy's Wife doing the splits in the shower but it would definitely lead to a life ban.
		
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That's a filthy joke, Phil. I would give him an infraction just for mentioning it.


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## Old Skier (May 19, 2017)

Typical REMF, after sympathy. Get of your pit I could do with a caddy for Ilfracombe Tuesday. That will stretch the old stitches.


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## stokie_93 (May 19, 2017)

PhilTheFragger said:



			Punch n Judy 

You not knowing it cheered me up more than the original &#62978;&#62978;
Thanks guys keep em coming &#62541;
		
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I genuinely don't think I've ever watched a Punch and Judy show!

Hope you get on the mend quick Phil :thup:


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## Norrin Radd (May 19, 2017)

bloke dies and ends up in heaven ,he says to st Peter that he was hoping to meet up with an old mate that had died a couple of years earlier, Peter looks through the book and says ,oh dear he is at the other place . i can show you him if you like.
 the chap readily agrees and they look into a cloud that soon clears and there he is ,carrying a large keg of his favourite beer on one shoulder ,and a gorgeous blonde on his other arm .
well he looks happy the chap says to Peter, 
Peter says if you look closer you will see that the keg has a hole in it ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,the woman dosent.


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## IainP (May 19, 2017)




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## backwoodsman (May 19, 2017)

My bison/buffalo favourite has already gone so...

Why did the baker have smelly hands. Because he needed a poo !

Took my kids to the zoo.  It only had one dog in it. They didn't  like it - they said it was a Shih Tzu


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## fundy (May 19, 2017)

Hobbit said:



			The only PC advice I can give you is don't discriminate between race, creed or colour... oh, and don't be ageist or heightist.
		
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are you sure this was meant for me and not too late for someone else


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## fundy (May 19, 2017)

PhilTheFragger said:



			Brain still working ( apparently)
Feel free to pm me mate &#128077;
		
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message on its way, many thanks (theres also a short thread in oob)


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## Blue in Munich (May 19, 2017)

Liverbirdie said:



			I remember this from last year, I had to post it on FB, one of the posts of the year.

Phil, whats the difference between a buffalo, and a bison.












You cant wash your hair (or baldy pate) in a Bison. Gerrrcccchhhaaaaa
		
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Oh yes you can, but you can't wash them in a Buffaloâ€¦â€¦..


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## Khamelion (May 19, 2017)

Two women were playing golf one sunny morning.
The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch and fell to the ground where he proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed over to the man and began to apologize.
â€œPlease allow me to help. Iâ€™m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if youâ€™d allow me.â€
â€œUmmph, oooh, nooo, Iâ€™ll be alrightâ€¦Iâ€™ll be fine in a few minutes,â€ he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at the crotch.
But she persisted and he finally allowed her to help him.
She gently took his hands away and she began to massage him 'there'.
She then asked him, â€œHow does that feel now?â€
The man replied, â€œThat feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.â€


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## Khamelion (May 19, 2017)

A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar.
He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.
As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings.
After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more remark like that and I'll smash your face in!"


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## Khamelion (May 19, 2017)

Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in the world there's an idiot pulling a door that says "Push."


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## Khamelion (May 19, 2017)

Have you been injured at work?
Had a car accident?
Fell over on a wet floor?
Tripped on an pavement?
If so..
Sort yourself out, you clumsy sod


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## srixon 1 (May 19, 2017)

Imurg and Fragger skive off work and go to the golf course. They agree to "play it as it lies" on all shots. Both hit their tee shots on the par-5 No.1 hole down the middle and about 260 yards. They jump in the buggy and drive off for the second shot. Imurg hits his shot down the middle for an easy approach. But Fragger slices his over the trees and it ends up on the cart path of the adjoining hole. 
"Guess I get a free drop from the cart path," says Fragger. "Oh no," says Imurg , "We agreed. Play it as it lies." So Fragger drives Imurg up to his ball in front of the green, drops him off and drives over to his ball on the cart path. Imurg  watches in amusement as sparks shower down from the practice swings of his opponent, then, in amazement as a perfectly struck shot lands on the green and rolls to within 3 ft. of the pin. Fragger drives back to the green. 
Imurg says, "Great shot back there! What club did you use?" Fragger responds, "Your six iron."


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## ColchesterFC (May 19, 2017)

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol 
station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in
a  typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. 
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?, asks the attendant. 
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Those guys at BMW think of everything don't they!"


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## jpxpro (May 19, 2017)

ive got a pet wussy


you that read wrong

you read that wrong too


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## ColchesterFC (May 19, 2017)

This guy was walking down the sidewalk when he sees a Little Johnny
   wearing a red firefighter's hat and sitting in a red wagon which is
   being pulled slowly by a large Labador Retriever. When he got a little
   closer, he saw that the kid was holding a rope which is tied to the
   dog's testicles, which may explain why the dog is walking so slowly.
   Going up to the kid, he said,"That's a nice fire engine you got there,
   but I bet it would go faster if you have the rope around the dog's
   neck."
   "Yeah," the kid replied."But I wouldn't have a siren."


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## Norrin Radd (May 19, 2017)

two eggs boiling in a saucepan, one says ooh ive got a crack ,the other why tell me im not hard yet.


a chicken and an egg are laying in bed together ,the chicken is smoking a fag ,the egg has a very annoyed face and says 
  i guess that answers that question then.


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## Imurg (May 19, 2017)

srixon 1 said:



			Imurg and Fragger skive off work and go to the golf course. They agree to "play it as it lies" on all shots. Both hit their tee shots on the par-5 No.1 hole down the middle and about 260 yards. They jump in the buggy and drive off for the second shot. Imurg hits his shot down the middle for an easy approach. But Fragger slices his over the trees and it ends up on the cart path of the adjoining hole. 
"Guess I get a free drop from the cart path," says Fragger. "Oh no," says Imurg , "We agreed. Play it as it lies." So Fragger drives Imurg up to his ball in front of the green, drops him off and drives over to his ball on the cart path. Imurg  watches in amusement as sparks shower down from the practice swings of his opponent, then, in amazement as a perfectly struck shot lands on the green and rolls to within 3 ft. of the pin. Fragger drives back to the green. 
Imurg says, "Great shot back there! What club did you use?" Fragger responds, "Your six iron."
		
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&#128514;&#128514;
Just one problem.....it would Fragger's 4th shot - the rest I can believe... #FraggerLuck


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## Lord Tyrion (May 19, 2017)

stokie_93 said:



			Is it just me that doesn't get it? 

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We forget Skokie is just a youngster &#128514;&#128514;


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## Norrin Radd (May 19, 2017)

two nuns in the bath ,one says wheres the soap ,the other says ,it does dosent it.


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## williamalex1 (May 19, 2017)

Norrin Radd said:



			two nuns in the bath ,one says wheres the soap ,the other says ,it does dosent it.
		
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Wears


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## Norrin Radd (May 19, 2017)

so come on Phil ,which jokes are making you ping the odd stitch?


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## PhilTheFragger (May 19, 2017)

I'm genuinely tickled, particularly liked Srixon 1 's tale about Imurgs 6 iron

But on a technical note, I have staples not stitches , harder to pop &#128526;


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## Khamelion (May 19, 2017)

Two nuns, riding push bikes to the convert take a wrong turn down a cobbled street, one with a huge smile on her face turns to the other and says, "Have you come this way before?"


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## Liverbirdie (May 20, 2017)

Blue in Munich said:



			Oh yes you can, but you can't wash them in a Buffaloâ€¦â€¦.. 

Click to expand...

Well spotted, cockernee geezer.


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## Smiffy (May 20, 2017)

Little boy given a pirates outfit for his birthday. In a hurry, he gets all dressed up in it and goes outside to play. His mates are not around so he's on his own swishing his sword around when a lady walks past.
"What are you doing?" she asks.
"I'm a pirate" he says.
"Where are your buccaneers?" she says.
"Under my bucking hat" he replies......


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## JohnnyDee (May 20, 2017)

Two cannibals eating a clown. One turns to the other and says - does this taste funny to you?


PS bloke in the next bed wants to buy your clubs &#128512;


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## Smiffy (May 20, 2017)

Two cannibals eating a missionary.
One says to the other "you having a good time?"
"Yeah, I'm having a ball"
"Well slow down, you're eating too fast, I'm only up to his knee"


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## JohnnyDee (May 20, 2017)

Bloke walks into a bar in Glasgow and orders a pint of heavy and a pie.
Drinks the pint in one and karate chops the pie in two and wolfs it down.
He repeats his order, does the same again and then goes off to the Loo.
One of the regulars has been watching this and asks the barman "Is that Kung fu?"
"No, he's only had two pints," says barman.


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## JohnnyDee (May 20, 2017)

So the Pope goes on a tour of USA back in the 60s and gets off the plane. Crowd goes bonkers chanting Elvis, Elvis Elvis!! Pope says, "I nota Elvis, I'm a de Pope!"
Driving to Washington crowds lining the roads chanting Elvis, Elvis Elvis!! Pope says, "I nota Elvis, I'm a de Pope!"
Get to hotel crowds outside chanting Elvis, Elvis Elvis!! Pope says, "I nota Elvis, I'm a de Pope!"
Goes up to the suite and there are two girls waiting for him. "Hi Elvis," they say.
Pope says:

"Well it's a-one for the money...!"


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## Pathetic Shark (May 20, 2017)

Egg and a sausage in a frying pan.  Egg says "God it's hot in here".   Sausage says, "blimey a talking egg"


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## PhilTheFragger (May 20, 2017)

Chortle &#128077;&#128077;&#128077;


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## Leftie (May 20, 2017)

Do you know Jack Schmidt?
Jack Schmidt is the son of Awe Schmidt and Oh Schmidt. Awe Schmidt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schmidt, the owner of the Kneedeep Schmidt Inn. Jack Schmidt married Noe Schmidt and they had six children. Holy Schmidt, their first, passed on shortly after childbirth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schmidt and Dip Schmidt, two daughters, Fulla Schmidt and Giva Schmidt, then another son, Bull Schmidt. Deep Schmidt married Dumb Schmidt, a high school dropout. Dip Schmidt married Lotta Schmidt and they have a son named Chicken Schmidt. Fulla Schmidt and Giva Schmidt married the Happens brothers. The Schmidt-Happens children are Dawg Schmidt, Byrd Schmidt, and Horace Schmidt. Bull Schmidt just married a spicy little number named Pisa Schmidt and they are awaiting the arrival of their first Baby Schmidt. Now... you know the story of Jack Schmidt !!!


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## Leftie (May 20, 2017)

They all lived in a Schmidt Haus but, hey, who cares?

No-one Givesa Schmidt.


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## JohnnyDee (May 20, 2017)

Q.What's the difference between a seagull and a 1-year old baby?
A. One of them flits across the shore..


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## teetime75 (May 20, 2017)

Little Boy and Girl at nursery school.
Boy drops his pants and says
I`ve got one of these.
Little Girl drops her nickers says,Well i`ve got one of these
and my mummy says,when you`ve got one of these
you can have as many of those as you like.


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## Region3 (May 20, 2017)

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"


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## Junior (May 20, 2017)

Stuart_C said:



			Poor, very poor.
		
Click to expand...

I bet you still laughed


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## DRW (May 22, 2017)

There once was a golfer called Phil
He had a kidney which you wouldnâ€™t grill
The doctor got his drill
removed it with such skill
And off it went to landfill

Sorry rubbish at poems, things didn't work out with the keyhole, hope you repair quickly and take care.


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## Rooter (May 23, 2017)

Essex girl goes into a dry cleaners.

EG- (in mubmled chavy voice) need this mayonnaise stain cleaning off me dress.
Dry Cleaner lady - I'm sorry dear, i didn't catch that, come again?
EG - No, it really is mayonnaise this time..


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## Smiffy (May 24, 2017)

Bill and Ben lying in bed.
Ben says "Flibber flobber, flobber flibber"
 "If you loved me you'd swallow that" said Bill.


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## SwingsitlikeHogan (May 25, 2017)

Difference between Edinburgh and Glasgow - in Edinburgh if you see a bloke walking along the road with a golf club you know he's a golfer...

Of course told to me in Edinburgh - by an Edinburger when he discovered I was a weegie


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## Crazyface (May 26, 2017)

The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.
When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of
the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item
from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you
CANNOT go back down except to exit the building.
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

The 1st floor sign on the door reads:
Floor 1: These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2: These men have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3: These men have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.
The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd,4th, 5th and 6th floors have never been visited.


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