# funnies



## williamalex1 (Apr 16, 2013)

After writing my new will , i shouted through to my wife " thats it finished ,  i'm leaving everything to you now . She shouted back   " you've been doing that for years, you lazy git."


----------



## chrisd (Apr 16, 2013)

The wife jut said that her brother was going to London for a lecture!

I said why doesn't he pop round here and save the train fare?

I'm watching the Arsenal game in some silence now!


----------



## DappaDonDave (Apr 16, 2013)

chrisd said:



			The wife jut said that her brother was going to London for a lecture!

I said why doesn't he pop round here and save the train fare?

I'm watching the Arsenal game in some silence now!
		
Click to expand...

I either don't get that joke or its not funny.

Is the brother suppose to be going to watch arsenal?...but called it a lecture?


----------



## Slime (Apr 16, 2013)

DappaDonDave said:



			I either don't get that joke or its not funny.

Is the brother suppose to be going to watch arsenal?...but called it a lecture?
		
Click to expand...

Actually, I thought it was very good.

I think *chrisd* is intimating that his wife is pretty good at giving lectures.

*Slime*.


----------



## chrisd (Apr 16, 2013)

Slime said:



			Actually, I thought it was very good.

I think *chrisd* is intimating that his wife is pretty good at giving lectures.

*Slime*.
		
Click to expand...


Thanks Slime for the explanation. It's an absolutely true story and did happen this evening!


----------



## SocketRocket (Apr 16, 2013)

I've not spoken to my Mother in Law for 6 months.  I dont like to interrupt her.


----------



## williamalex1 (Apr 16, 2013)

If you don't have a sense of humour don't read funnies, sarcasm is on another thread .


----------



## DappaDonDave (Apr 16, 2013)

williamalex1 said:



			If you don't have a sense of humour don't read funnies, sarcasm is on another thread .
		
Click to expand...

We'll give you two secs to untwist those knickers...


"I can see for miles."

Said Miles's guide dog, quite unexpectedly."


----------



## Darth Fader (Apr 16, 2013)

I walked into the living room tonight, the curtains were drawn, everything else looked real enough.


----------



## chrisd (Apr 17, 2013)

DappaDonDave said:



			We'll give you two secs to untwist those knickers...


"I can see for miles."

Said Miles's guide dog, quite unexpectedly."
		
Click to expand...

........... And you said mine wasn't funny?


----------



## Jay Gee (Apr 17, 2013)

I got home a bit late last night following a quick 9 holes after work, to find a note from my wife stuck to the TV. It read "It's not working, I'm leaving". 

However, when I tried it, the TV was working just fine. Silly girl. I don't recall her saying she was staying out last night either.


----------



## Paul_Stewart (Apr 17, 2013)

Paddy and Mick are waiting for a flight at Belfast Airport.  
"I wish I'd brought the TV" said Mick.
"Why?  Don't you like the wait?" said Paddy.
"No the passports are on them" replied Mick.


----------



## gripitripit (Apr 17, 2013)

A soft drinks factory has suffered a major leak flooding a nearby village with thousands of litres of lemonade. 

Reports suggest dozens of people have been Schwepped away..


My wife was in a panic earlier "I've lost my sex tape!" she screamed "It will end up on You tube I bet" 

"Oh my god, I'll end up getting slaughtered if anyone sees me" I said panicking. 

"You're not in it you idiot" she replied.


----------



## DappaDonDave (Apr 17, 2013)

chrisd said:



			........... And you said mine wasn't funny?
		
Click to expand...

Mine was true at least ...........................


----------



## Khamelion (Apr 17, 2013)

Horse walks into a bar, barman asks, "Why the long face?", Horse Replies, "Some Geordie punched me"


----------



## paisleyboy86 (Apr 17, 2013)

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

Again,  the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has  never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck  thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but  before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a  bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail  your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"


----------



## SocketRocket (Apr 17, 2013)

Darth Fader said:



			I walked into the living room tonight, the curtains were drawn, everything else looked real enough.
		
Click to expand...

What about the shades?


----------



## Slime (Apr 17, 2013)

SocketRocket said:



			I've not spoken to my Mother in Law for 6 months.  I dont like to interrupt her.
		
Click to expand...

Point out that 'mother in law' is an anagram of 'woman hitler', that might do the trick.

*Slime*.


----------



## upsidedown (Apr 17, 2013)

My brother pointed out a bush in the garden by the 18th on his course that is the garden of a urology specialist which had been shaped into a very good likeness of his particular specialty. Took 4 months apparently for it to be complained about and was then amended back to a ball shape


----------



## williamalex1 (May 3, 2013)

Bill Roach, Jim Davidson, Rolf Haris , Stuart Hall, Freddie Star--- you've got to admit it the prison panto is looking good this year


----------



## Pin-seeker (May 3, 2013)

DappaDonDave said:



			I either don't get that joke or its not funny.

Is the brother suppose to be going to watch arsenal?...but called it a lecture?
		
Click to expand...

Either you've not got much of a sense of humour or you're not the sharpest knife in the draw
Made me laugh


----------



## DappaDonDave (May 3, 2013)

Pin-seeker said:



			Either you've not got much of a sense of humour or you're not the sharpest knife in the draw
Made me laugh
		
Click to expand...

You're so sharp Ill try not to Prick myself on the point you just made!


----------



## williamalex1 (Jun 3, 2014)

My mate was approached by a Chinese prostitute who only looked about 14 or 15 years old,  he said to her " no chance your way too young"- she said
"how you know my name ! ".


----------



## HomerJSimpson (Jun 3, 2014)

My wife and I often have words but she never lets me use mine


----------



## c1973 (Jun 3, 2014)

What do you do with an epileptic lettuce?

Make a seizure salad.


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Jun 3, 2014)

My boss told me to put up a road sign immediately to warn people of the work ahead. An hour later he asked why it hadn't been done.
I replied, "I couldn't find any with a picture of a dozen managers in brand new high-visibility coats watching one bloke work."

Among mammals, bats have the highest rates of homosexuality....  
I guess that explains Robin and all the leather.

If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, would the feminists blame the men for it?


----------



## Doh (Jun 4, 2014)

My wife asked me if I'd miss her if she died.

"Of course" I replied

"Would you marry again?" she asked

"I don't know." I said

"If you did" she went on "would you let her use my golf clubs?"

"No way" I said "she's left handed.


----------



## Doh (Jun 4, 2014)

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1) You can't count your hair.

2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.

3) You can't breathe when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.


----------



## Rooter (Jun 4, 2014)

Doh said:



			3) You can't breathe when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.
		
Click to expand...

I cant believe i actually just fell for that....


----------



## London mike 61 (Jun 4, 2014)

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a mouse?

A bloody great big hole in your skirting boards!


----------



## London mike 61 (Jun 4, 2014)

Did you know that the the word gullible isn't in the English dictionary?


----------



## c1973 (Jun 4, 2014)

Came home late last night and the wife had left a note on the telly saying 'it's not working. I'm leaving'.

I switched it on and it was working just fine.


----------



## c1973 (Jun 4, 2014)

Why are old people like old radiators? 

They leak and struggle to get through the winter.


----------



## shivas irons (Jun 4, 2014)

My brother went to the doctor and asked for a vasectomy doctor replied "with a face like that I wouldnt bother!"
He then went to his psychiatrist and said "hey doc whats wrong with me" doc replied "your crazy" brother said "I want a second opinion" doc replied "your ugly as well" ...........Rodney Dangerfield R.I.P


----------



## Slime (Jun 4, 2014)

*Slime*.


----------



## cookelad (Jun 4, 2014)

This had me chuckling yesterday!


----------



## Hack-Man-Hob (Jun 4, 2014)

Khamelion said:



			Horse walks into a bar, barman asks, "Why the long face?", Horse Replies, "Some Geordie punched me"
		
Click to expand...

this has just become my favourite joke of all time


----------



## Billythefish (Jun 4, 2014)

A white horse walks into a bar, 'can I have a large Scotch please?' He says.

'wow! says the barman 'we have a Scotch named after you!'

'What?  Brian?'  Says the white horse...


----------



## Billythefish (Jun 4, 2014)

chrisd said:



			Thanks Slime for the explanation. It's an absolutely true story and did happen this evening!
		
Click to expand...

Another true story. 

Couple of xmas ago me, her, and our two kids were waiting to see Santa in our local department store (beatties for those that know wolvo). When who should walk in but the severn dwarfs (on publicity trip from the theatre). 

My mrs says 'go over and stand next to Grumpy, see if we can tell the difference!'

charmin eh!


----------



## USER1999 (Jun 4, 2014)

My wife says she went to the gynacologist, and says she can't have sex for two weeks.

I asked, what find your dentist say?


----------



## Pathetic Shark (Jun 5, 2014)

Steven Gerrard reveals that England are preparing for World Cup penalty shootouts by practising shaking their heads while looking dejected

"Your dog has been barking for the last 3 ****ing hours!" I said to my neighbour this morning, "I've got a serious hangover and I'm trying to get some sleep!"
"It would probably help if you got out of his kennel." she replied.


----------



## London mike 61 (Jun 5, 2014)

A man walks into the doctors and says " doctor, I'm having trouble pronouncing my 'f's and 'th's " and the doctor says " well, you can't say fairer than that then"!!


----------



## Billythefish (Jun 5, 2014)

I was standing in the park the other day thinking "I wonder why frisbees get larger the closer they get"

And then it hit me...


----------



## ColchesterFC (Jun 5, 2014)

Research has found that British couples have sex once or twice a week, while Japanese couples have sex once or twice a month. This is worrying news. I had no idea I was Japanese.


----------



## Idlenorth1 (Jun 5, 2014)

A new app called 'Panic' is launched for smart phones. 

You just say 'Wife' and it closes all websites, hides all chats with females, hides all special folders and puts your wife's photograph as wallpaper.


----------



## Yerman (Jun 6, 2014)

''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''

 Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.


----------



## ColchesterFC (Jun 6, 2014)

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.


----------



## Slime (Jun 9, 2014)

Please enter your new password:
 "cabbage"

 Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
 "boiled cabbage"

 Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
 "1 boiled cabbage"

Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
 "50bloodyboiledcabbages"

Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
 "50BLOODYboiledcabbages"

Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
 "50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse,IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccess nowâ€

Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
 â€œReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYouD  ontGiveMeAccessnowâ€













Sorry, that password is already in use. 				


*Slime*.


----------



## SocketRocket (Jun 9, 2014)

Slime said:



			Please enter your new password:
 "cabbage"

 Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
 "boiled cabbage"

 Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
 "1 boiled cabbage"

Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
 "50bloodyboiledcabbages"

Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
 "50BLOODYboiledcabbages"

Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
 "50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse,IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccess nowâ€

Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
 â€œReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYouD  ontGiveMeAccessnowâ€













Sorry, that password is already in use. 				


*Slime*.
		
Click to expand...

.......


----------



## SocketRocket (Jun 9, 2014)

"Iv'e won a weeks all inclusive golf break in the Algarve for me and four friends the first week in August.  
Any of you guys free that week?"

"I am." says Fred.



"Could you come around and put my bins out please?"


----------



## CMAC (Jun 10, 2014)

Slime said:



			Please enter your new password:
 "cabbage"

 Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
 "boiled cabbage"

 Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
 "1 boiled cabbage"

Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
 "50bloodyboiledcabbages"

Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
 "50BLOODYboiledcabbages"

Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
 "50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse,IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccess nowâ€

Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
 â€œReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYouD  ontGiveMeAccessnowâ€













Sorry, that password is already in use. 				


*Slime*.
		
Click to expand...

:rofl:

:clap:


----------



## CMAC (Jun 10, 2014)

It really annoys me when people mix up there, their and they're, I think there all idiots!


----------



## CMAC (Jun 10, 2014)

What did the inflatable teacher say to the inflatable pupil who came to the inflatable school with a pin?


"Not only have you let me down, you've let yourself down and the whole school down!"


----------



## CMAC (Jun 10, 2014)

I went into Greggs the bakers the other day and said to the assistant "two wasps please"
"don't be stupid" she said, "we don't sell wasps!"

"yes you do, you've two in the window"





_true story_


----------



## Slime (Jun 10, 2014)

Q. Why did Sally fall off the swing?

A. Because she had no arms!


No .............. okay, try this one.



Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Not Sally!


*Slime*.


----------



## Doon frae Troon (Jun 10, 2014)

The late great Chic Murray was walking in London when a stranger came up to him and asked, 'Do you know the Battersea Dogs Home?'

'I did not even know he had gone missing' replied Chic.


----------



## HawkeyeMS (Jun 10, 2014)

Why did the scarecrow get an OBE?

Because he was out standing in his field.


----------



## drdel (Jun 10, 2014)

Sex after Death !!! 

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and ...  inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. 

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to  his word, he made the first contact: " Marion .... Marion "    "Is that you, Bob?"   "Yes, I've come back like we agreed."   "That's wonderful !!!  What's it like?"  

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun  and then have sex a couple of more times.. 

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then  pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. 

After supper, it's back  to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch  some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again".  

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"   



No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in South Carolina .â€


----------



## williamalex1 (Jul 19, 2014)




----------



## RW1986 (Jul 20, 2014)

Did you hear about the magic tractor? 
it went down the road and turned into a field


----------

