# Tommy Cooper One Liners



## PNWokingham (Mar 29, 2013)

for those of us old enough to have enjoyed Tommy Coopers humour -

TOMMY COOPER 
1. Two blondes walk into a building --- you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.


2. Phone answering machine message:  'If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.'


3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'


4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day --- but I couldn't find any.


5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli --- a strong currant pulled him in.


6. A man recovered in hospital after a serious accident.  He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'  The doctor replied, 'I know, I've cut off your hands'.


7. I went to a Seafood Disco last week, and pulled a muscle.


8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the craft.  It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.


9.  Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


10 Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head.  Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on that.'


11. 'Doc, I can't stop singing: 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
Doc says, 'That sounds like the Tom Jones Syndrome. '
'Is it common, doc?'
'Well, it's not unusual.'


12. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' and he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.  Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? --- because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really, really, heavy'





14.  What do you call a fish with no eyes? --- a fsh.


15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'  I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'



16.  Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese. There are 5 people in my family so one of them must be Chinese.  It's either my mum or my Dad --- or my older brother Colin --- or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu --- but I think it's Colin.


17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The second one replies, 'So are you, you fat *******!'


18.  Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.


19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.  They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

20 . A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well, don't go there any more'

21.  Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.


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## drawboy (Mar 29, 2013)

A bloke goes to the doctors. The doc says You only have 3 minutes to live! the bloke says Can you do owt for me doc? The doc replies A bolied egg.

A man goes to the docs. Doc, I think I'm a moth! The doc says Why do you keep coming in here? I've told you 6 times in the last hour to go see a psychiatrist. The man replies you've got your light on.
Man goes to the doc. I think I'm a dog. doc says Get on this couch and we'll talk about it. The man says I'm not allowed on the couch


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## Sponge1980 (Mar 29, 2013)

I remember hearing Jimmy Tarbuck telling a story about when Tommy was playing in a celebrity golf match. He stood up on the 1st tee and had a fresh air shot, he turned to the crowd and said "It's a tough course this"


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## Captainron (Mar 29, 2013)

My doctor put me on a whiskey diet. I've lost 2 days already


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## user2009 (Mar 29, 2013)

So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'


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## FairwayDodger (Mar 29, 2013)

Brilliant, laughing out loud. :thup:


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## Liverbirdie (Mar 29, 2013)

Well done PN!

I can actually hear Tommy's voice, when reading these.


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## Blue in Munich (Mar 29, 2013)

Favourite one liner from an old school comic has to be Les Dawson's one about the Mother-in Law visiting & the mice throwing themselves on the traps.


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## Smiffy (Mar 29, 2013)

Bloke goes to the Dr and says "My willy is too small"
Doc says "don't be silly, all men think their willies are too small"
"But mine really *is* tiny" says the bloke.
"Let me look" says the Doc, so the guy pulls his trousers down.
"Hmmmmmm.....it is tiny" the Doc confirms, "most probably the smallest one I've ever seen in my life. Does it hurt when you have a wee?"
"No" replies the guy.
"Well, I'd just use it for that then" says the doc..


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## CMAC (Mar 29, 2013)

#16 I always remember:thup:...............lots of my kind of jokes in there. :lol:

Man goes into a bakers shop and says "Two wasps please"
"we don't sell wasps" said the shop assistant,

"Yes you do", "There's two in the window"


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## G1BB0 (Mar 29, 2013)

[video=youtube;P8Dw12lnIOc]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8Dw12lnIOc[/video]

short but v funny


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## richart (Mar 29, 2013)

Conjunctivitis.com That's a site for a sore eyes. (Tim Vine)


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## Blue in Munich (Mar 29, 2013)

I went on a once in a lifetime holiday; I'll tell you what, never again! (Tim Vine)


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## HomerJSimpson (Mar 29, 2013)

He was a great comic. Sadly missed.


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## Tiger (Apr 3, 2013)

G1BB0 said:



			[video=youtube;P8Dw12lnIOc]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8Dw12lnIOc[/video]

short but v funny 

Click to expand...

Brilliant. I love this thread. Perked me right up. Love Tim Vine as well very clever comic :thup:


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## GreiginFife (Apr 3, 2013)

So I phoned the swimming pool. I said " is that the local swimming pool?" She said "That depends where you are calling from!".

I phoned a skip firm and said "I wanna skip out front if my house!" He said "well I'm not stopping you!"


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## mcbroon (Apr 3, 2013)

Chic Murray was good for a one-liner:

I went to the chemist and asked for a bar of soap. She said "Do you want it scented?"
I said "No, i'll just take it with me..."


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