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Deleted Member 1156
Guest
It's been a bit stale on here last few days with all the shenanigans that have gone on so let's lighten the mood a bit.
Your best golf story or joke?
Your best golf story or joke?
North Mimms
Tour Winner
chris661
Money List Winner
Organising a game with a couple of forummers and chatting about it for a fortnight or so on twitter/text between ourselves only for one of the chaps to drive 1 1/2 in the wrong direction and then boast about being early and the course looking in great condition :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
I don't think it was ever mentioned on here though
I don't think it was ever mentioned on here though
Blue in Munich
Crocked Professional Yeti Impersonator
Pride comes before a fall.........
Some years ago, whilst still living at home, I was made Captain of a golf society I played in. One of the venues we visited was an Open final qualifier, but the only trophy on offer was for the best net, so I donated a salver as a scratch prize. I and the salver were duly collected by my mate who was driving and off we went. we had a great day and as luck would have it, I won the salver. I arrived home feeling somewhat pleased with my efforts, possibly even a touch smug. Hearing the car being unloaded outside, Mum opened the door as I came down the drive carrying the salver. Seeing the salver in my arms, Mum's opening shot as I walked down the drive was "Oh, didn't anybody win it then?" With as much righteous indignation as any son should muster towards his mother I responded "Actually, somebody DID win it." "Oh," replied Mum quizically "...then what are you still doing with it?" I had no answer as my mate failed completely to contain his mirth.
Thanks Mum, lesson learnt.
Some years ago, whilst still living at home, I was made Captain of a golf society I played in. One of the venues we visited was an Open final qualifier, but the only trophy on offer was for the best net, so I donated a salver as a scratch prize. I and the salver were duly collected by my mate who was driving and off we went. we had a great day and as luck would have it, I won the salver. I arrived home feeling somewhat pleased with my efforts, possibly even a touch smug. Hearing the car being unloaded outside, Mum opened the door as I came down the drive carrying the salver. Seeing the salver in my arms, Mum's opening shot as I walked down the drive was "Oh, didn't anybody win it then?" With as much righteous indignation as any son should muster towards his mother I responded "Actually, somebody DID win it." "Oh," replied Mum quizically "...then what are you still doing with it?" I had no answer as my mate failed completely to contain his mirth.
Thanks Mum, lesson learnt.
richart
Major Champion
Being the only one with a course planner, Homer not telling his forum playing partners there was a huge pond just out of sight in the middle of the fairway at Camberley always makes me chuckle.
Sid Rixon IV
Head Pro
If you mean "jokes" in the literal sense I got this one earlier this evening.
It contains an expletive pertinent to the joke and, mindful of the house rules I've left it to your imagination.
A nun walks into the mother Superior's office, plunks down into a chair and lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior ... 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. ‘I went to play golf with my brother as we try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not totally relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green....and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made and it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathised the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling and the ball popped out of his jaws, landed on the green and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
'Oh my God - You missed the (............) putt, didn't you?
It contains an expletive pertinent to the joke and, mindful of the house rules I've left it to your imagination.
A nun walks into the mother Superior's office, plunks down into a chair and lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior ... 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. ‘I went to play golf with my brother as we try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not totally relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green....and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made and it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathised the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling and the ball popped out of his jaws, landed on the green and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
'Oh my God - You missed the (............) putt, didn't you?
Andy808
Tour Winner
For my final handicap card the, then, vice captain offered to take me out and sign my card.
Nerves were at an all time high as we walked to the first tee, a few practice swings, a shake of hands and Gary ventured to the tee.
With a 3 iron in hand he has one more practice swing, takes aim, starts to take the club back in a lovely arc and then whoosh....
He toes the ball into a tree 10 yards in front of him with the ball shooting back between us, hitting the side of the 10th, bouncing up in the air before coming to rest nest to the clubhouse with about 6 inches of the course left in play.
I didn't know how to react as it was the first time I had played with him but soon found out as Gary burst out laughing. We have been playing buddies ever since.
Nerves were at an all time high as we walked to the first tee, a few practice swings, a shake of hands and Gary ventured to the tee.
With a 3 iron in hand he has one more practice swing, takes aim, starts to take the club back in a lovely arc and then whoosh....
He toes the ball into a tree 10 yards in front of him with the ball shooting back between us, hitting the side of the 10th, bouncing up in the air before coming to rest nest to the clubhouse with about 6 inches of the course left in play.
I didn't know how to react as it was the first time I had played with him but soon found out as Gary burst out laughing. We have been playing buddies ever since.
blackpuddinmonster
Challenge Tour Pro
Here's one especially for North Mimms..
A Headmistress was out having her very first golf lesson. She asked the pro, "is putt spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t." "P-u-t-t is the correct spelling," replied the pro. "Put means to place an object were you want it, where as Putt is usually a vain attempt to do exactly the same thing".
A Headmistress was out having her very first golf lesson. She asked the pro, "is putt spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t." "P-u-t-t is the correct spelling," replied the pro. "Put means to place an object were you want it, where as Putt is usually a vain attempt to do exactly the same thing".
GOLF AND THE COW
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black
eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult
hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle .
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the
cows had something white at its rear end.'
'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my
wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like
yours!''
'I don't remember much after that'
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black
eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult
hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle .
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the
cows had something white at its rear end.'
'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my
wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like
yours!''
'I don't remember much after that'
two-clubs
Assistant Pro
A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a wasp sting. The pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why back in so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a wasp."
"Where?" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole" she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why back in so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a wasp."
"Where?" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole" she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."
two-clubs
Assistant Pro
Bill got a call from the coroner, who wants to talk about his wife's recent death. Bill told him the whole sad story. "We were on the third hole. Sally, my wife, was standing on the ladies tee about 30 yards ahead of the men's box when I hit my drive. From the sound when the ball hit her head and the way she dropped like a rock, I knew immediately that she was dead. God only knows where the ball wound up."
The coroner replied "That explains the injury to her head, but what about the Maxfli embedded in her rectum?"
"Oh," said Bill. "That was my provisional."
The coroner replied "That explains the injury to her head, but what about the Maxfli embedded in her rectum?"
"Oh," said Bill. "That was my provisional."
HawkeyeMS
Ryder Cup Winner
I've recalled this on here before so apologies to those that have seen it.
Playing in society weekend away a few years back, one of our members "binary Clive", so called because of the binary nature of his scorecards, had hit his ball ontor the fringe of the green. His 3 playing partners were all on the green waiting for him to play. He's apparently standing there just staring at his ball and the following conversation went like this...
"Are you gonna play?"
"I can't, my ball is on the sprinkler head"
"Well move it then"
"I can't move it, it's cemented in"
"Move The ball you idiot!"
Playing in society weekend away a few years back, one of our members "binary Clive", so called because of the binary nature of his scorecards, had hit his ball ontor the fringe of the green. His 3 playing partners were all on the green waiting for him to play. He's apparently standing there just staring at his ball and the following conversation went like this...
"Are you gonna play?"
"I can't, my ball is on the sprinkler head"
"Well move it then"
"I can't move it, it's cemented in"
"Move The ball you idiot!"
cookelad
Tour Winner
Sat in the clubhouse at Aldersey Green one afternoon, the seating area is clusters of sofas 3 of which were lined up along the floor to ceiling windows, myself and the steward watched mystified as this fella (a visitor) walked up pulled two sofa's "out of the way" then proceeded to walk straight into the window bouncing off and falling flat on his backside - the steward turned to me and said "at least we know the window cleaner is earning his money!"
Brilliantly enough (maybe inspired by the previous story) some time later the owners decided to put doors in and add a patio. 1 long standing member remarked the first time the doors were opened that summer which wasn't long after "I've playing here for 15 years and I've never noticed those patio doors before!" silence befell the clubhouse as everyone registered what had just been said then they all fell about laughing!
Brilliantly enough (maybe inspired by the previous story) some time later the owners decided to put doors in and add a patio. 1 long standing member remarked the first time the doors were opened that summer which wasn't long after "I've playing here for 15 years and I've never noticed those patio doors before!" silence befell the clubhouse as everyone registered what had just been said then they all fell about laughing!
Pin-seeker
Well-known member
It was a sunny Sunday morning, and Murray was beginning his preshot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. "Would the gentleman on the ladies' tee please back up to the men's tee."
Murray remained in his routine, seemingly unfazed by the interruption.
A little louder: "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up to the men's tee!"
Murray raised up out of his stance, lowered his driver, and shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?"
Murray remained in his routine, seemingly unfazed by the interruption.
A little louder: "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up to the men's tee!"
Murray raised up out of his stance, lowered his driver, and shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?"
mark777
Medal Winner
Mark and stvev are playing golf when they begin to catch up on 2 ladies playing in front of them. The 2 friends are having to wait on every fairway as the ladies are taking an age to putt out on the greens. Finally not being able to take it any more Steve starts to walk up to the green to ask the ladies to let them through. Half way to the green he stops for a second then turns round and heads back to his playing partner.
Whats wrong, why didnt you go up to the green Mark says. I couldnt says steve I recognised them and one is my wife and the other is my mistress. Fine says mark I will go. So mark strides up the fairway gets half way to the green stops, turns around and walks back.
Whats wrong says steve, why didnt you have a word.........
Small world says mark
Whats wrong, why didnt you go up to the green Mark says. I couldnt says steve I recognised them and one is my wife and the other is my mistress. Fine says mark I will go. So mark strides up the fairway gets half way to the green stops, turns around and walks back.
Whats wrong says steve, why didnt you have a word.........
Small world says mark
:rofl:
Ethan
Money List Winner
A true story.
David Feherty, back as an assistant pro in NI was playing in a winter alliance comp at a toughish links on a wet windy day. He hit his tee shot into heavy rough, found it and hit it OOB from there. So he dropped another ball to play his 4th, over his shoulder in those days, turned round and couldn't find it. So he dropped another and played his 6th shot.
A few holes later, the rain stopped, so he took off his rain jacket and a ball fell out of the hood.
David Feherty, back as an assistant pro in NI was playing in a winter alliance comp at a toughish links on a wet windy day. He hit his tee shot into heavy rough, found it and hit it OOB from there. So he dropped another ball to play his 4th, over his shoulder in those days, turned round and couldn't find it. So he dropped another and played his 6th shot.
A few holes later, the rain stopped, so he took off his rain jacket and a ball fell out of the hood.
North Mimms
Tour Winner
A woman rings the police and cries hysterically “I’ve just killed an intruder!â€
The police arrive and the woman opens the door, dressed in golf clothing.
In the kitchen they find the bloodied corpse of a man, horribly beaten.
“what did you hit him with?†asks the policeman
“ a six iron†she replies
“just how many times did you hit him?â€
“ I don’t know…. Five?.... Seven times?....Dunno
….Just put me down for a sixâ€
The police arrive and the woman opens the door, dressed in golf clothing.
In the kitchen they find the bloodied corpse of a man, horribly beaten.
“what did you hit him with?†asks the policeman
“ a six iron†she replies
“just how many times did you hit him?â€
“ I don’t know…. Five?.... Seven times?....Dunno
….Just put me down for a sixâ€
D
Deleted member 18121
Guest
playing on my local muni course a few years back my playing partner and I walked through the trees to the 10th tee to find a guy from the group in front standing by the tee box going for number 1s. On hearing us he turned around to give us a full frontal and without even breaking flow said "morning chaps, great day to have your "gentlemen sausage" out".
palindromicbob
Tour Winner
Good one from GMac on Twitter.
Someone tweeted. "Why does my drive constantly slice to the right."
GMac response. "Because if it sliced to the left that would be a hook"
Someone tweeted. "Why does my drive constantly slice to the right."
GMac response. "Because if it sliced to the left that would be a hook"
