quick joke

[drawboy]

"I don't know about that new pro," said Peter. "He may be a little strange."

"Why do you think that?" asked Fred.

"He just tried to correct my stance again."

"So?" said Fred. "He's just trying to help your game."

"Yeah, I know," said Peter, "but I was standing at the urinal at the time"

 

[Smiffy]

Not quick enough unfortunately

 

[drawboy]

C'mon then smiffy, do better.

 

[USER1999]

An older gentleman goes into an icecream parlour, and orders a banana split.
As he lowers himself into a seat, the girl behind the counter asks 'crushed nuts?'
'No', he replies, 'just a touch of arthritis'.

 

[drawboy]

A millionaire had just moved into the area, keen to make friends amongst the locals he held a BBQ. The village turned up and he gave them the tour of his newly built mansion. After the stables,cinema room, bar area and pool they ended up at the mini zoo. They all gathered around the biggest exhibit a 18ft salt water croc. The millionaire took great pains to explain how dangerous the beast was and that it was rescued from a croc farm in Australia where it was regularly wrestled with for fun, but he had not found anyone daft enough to try it here and joked that if anyone wanted to try he would pay them £50000 just to see it. Immediately Abdul the local paper shop owner dived in and started biting,clawing,gnashing and strangling the croc. After a few minutes he dragged himself out of the pool leaving the croc in a daze upside down on the surface.
My gosh, how brave are you said the rich guy, here let me write you a cheque for the fifty grand. I don't want it said Abdul. Well how about a Ferrari? said the owner. Nope said Abdul. Well there must be something you would like? answered the millionaire. Abdul replied, Yes there is something, the name of the *** that pushed me in!

 

[madandra]

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."

"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forget."

 

[madandra]

A man is stranded on a deserted island, all alone for ten years. One day a gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba suit arrives at the island. She comes up to the chap and she says, "How long has it been since you had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he answers. She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asks, "How long has it been since you had a whisky?"

He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a bottle of malt whisky and gives it to him. He takes a long swallow and says, "Wow, that is fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you had some real fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"

 

[Hendy]

A man is stranded on a deserted island, all alone for ten years. One day a gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba suit arrives at the island. She comes up to the chap and she says, "How long has it been since you had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he answers. She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asks, "How long has it been since you had a whisky?"

He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a bottle of malt whisky and gives it to him. He takes a long swallow and says, "Wow, that is fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you had some real fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"

LOL very good

 

[drawboy]

2 crosseyed wimmin bumped into each other in town. The first one said hey why dont you look were you are going? the second one said, well why dont you go where you are looking?

 

[rickg]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Golf and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favourite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.....

_____________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGISE! Because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGISE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,

Tech Support

 

[bobmac]

LOVE STORY


An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering
the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself
from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way
out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the
door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's
agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his
devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon .......

'Get off' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'

 

[Redwood]

Man walks into a pub with a Croc on a lead. The barman says "You can't bring that thing in here, it'll take chunks out of my punters!!".

The man replies, "No, it's fine, he's perfectly safe and docile, look, I'll show you"

So the man lifts the croc onto a table, unzips his flie, opens the croc's mouth, and takes out his todger and places it in the crocs mouth. He closes the croc's jaws and bangs it on the head as hard as he can. He takes out his penis and says "Look, not a mark on it, and anyone else can try if they think he is only used to me"

An old lady walks forward and says "I'll have a go, but don't hit me on the head so hard!!!"