Pressure on kids in sports

[Mudball]

We are going thru the last bits of the footy season with tournaments. Nipper plays in the first team. He is no Ronaldo, but he does score the occasional one. I never had a problem with it. He can be very good at training, but can be a bit shy in matches. i put this down to he playing against friends v/s playing against unknowns. Sometimes, it can be an awkward conversation in the car back from matches.

This weekend, they came runners up in a tournament where he missed a penalty. Was putting him to bed yesterday and I was talking to him to calm him down and say it is ok. One of the things I asked him about why he was unable to take his training to match situation. Interestingly/Worryingly he mentioned that there was 'too much pressure during matches'.

It was fabulous that he opened up. We have a great club where the coaches are not 'shouty-shouty', its a great environment and they have done job with all the kids. We dont win everything, but that has never been a problem. All kids get a chance to play rather than the chosen few.

However, when I put myself in his footy boots, I can see the problem. The kids are always looking towards the coaches who sometime shout out what position to take or who to mark. From the other side, you have the parents who shout out similar things. The parents jump up and down when they score or big 'OOhh' when they miss. It must be seriously intimidating for the kids.

This in a club which is 'not competitive'. I seriously feel about what happens to kids in clubs which are more competitive or where you have to fight for a place in the first team. While some kids can handle the pressure, but i suspect the majority wont. I am looking at ways to help kiddo with it. Sports is inevitably linked with emotions but it should not be at the expense of kids. How have others managed the delicate balance.

 

[Lord Tyrion]

My son is now 18. We have been through club rugby, football, cricket, golf and basketball. First of all the kids put pressure on themselves, they want to win. Accept that.

Next, and for me the most important. Shut up. Stand on the side lines and give a thumbs up, smile. After the match ask him what he thought of it, pick out the positives. After he has told you, change the subject. Do something nice after the game on the way home so he unwinds and moves on. When he is older start asking what he could do better but not when he is young.

The noise from the side line is pressure. Even encouraging noises creates pressure so keep it down. This is huge for me. If he sees you are anxious he will get anxious.

Football was my most disliked off them all. Desperate parents and coaches living out their failed dreams through kids. Horrible. It is also the sport where the kids are least individual. The coaches and parents move them around like chess pieces, as you say the kids constantly look to the side lines instead of just playing. I was happy when he moved on.

Nicest, basketball and golf. So much more relaxing.

 

[Tashyboy]

You never mentioned how old he was.
But where to start, the fact he opened up is excellent. But as a nipper he has to learn to enjoy it and not take it to serious. That will come as he gets older. The important thing for me his is playing with his pals. Tell him to enjoy that, when he gets older if he gets better and other teams want him then it gets a bit more serious. The fact he missed a penalty and it it is playing on his mind. Yeah for a while it should and could but it's not the end of the world.
I remember a golf shrink being asked about the " attitude" of a basketball team who had just lost a Major final and were seen out on the lash that same night. It was suggested they should of been holed up in the hotel full of remorse. They had no respect for there fans who were gutted at losing. he said the exact opposite, he said the fact the basketball players were " getting it/ the loss out of there system" and focusing on next year where they will go one better was the attitude of winners.
Re parents at the sides of pitches, Lordy flippin Lordy, don't get me started on that.

 

[Kellfire]

Let's move away from molly-coddling. If he can't handle the pressure, he needs to learn from experience or give up competitive sports because he's in for a world of pain.

We shouldn't shield children from failure. We shouldn't shield them from pressure. We should simply provide the opportunity to experience the world but support them when they do fail.

 

[Bunkermagnet]

I don’t believe young children really know what the word pressure means, it’s a word they associate with listening to others.
If he’s not enjoying it, then I would suggest don’t do it. Football for me, is a game that’s been ruined by the excesses of the very few who have reached the top and the lower amateur game chews up and spits out so many.
The game has to be fun, if it’s not then do something else.

 

[Doon frae Troon]

Absolute rule of thumb is that if they kids are not enjoying it you should stop.
They will find their own sport and own level as they grow older.
Perhaps it will not be the one that the peer group or parents want it to be.

 

[pbrown7582]

Things are changing slowly with the new way of coaching and educating parents but many still insist on telling the wonder child what to do without even knowing what the coach has asked him to do.
Its no wonder children get confused and feel pressured when adults are celebrating goals in training like its the WC Final.
It's there game let them play and enjoy having fun.
If y the adults what to control the kids get the XBOX out and play FIFA! :sbox:

 

[Mudball]

You never mentioned how old he was.

Re parents at the sides of pitches, Lordy flippin Lordy, don't get me started on that.

He is <10...

Let's move away from molly-coddling. If he can't handle the pressure, he needs to learn from experience or give up competitive sports because he's in for a world of pain.

We shouldn't shield children from failure. We shouldn't shield them from pressure. We should simply provide the opportunity to experience the world but support them when they do fail.

I had the same opinion before we had kids. Growing up was hard knock school for most of us. But things have changed, the pressure/exposure/opportunities have been increasing. If a kid is not in an academy by 10, he/she is considered a failure. Its not only sport, but the same applies to academics, music, social media etc. Everyone wants a combination of Einstein, Tiger Woods, Beethoven, Mark Zukerberg rolled into one.
While it is not molly coddling, the danger is that they grow up with a very low self esteem or worse turn to chasing likes on social media because that is a derived way of being accepted.

My son is now 18. We have been through club rugby, football, cricket, golf and basketball. First of all the kids put pressure on themselves, they want to win. Accept that.

Nicest, basketball and golf. So much more relaxing.

I agree.. they all want to win. I find Cricket another interesting sport. Jr plays it to a decent level and was asked for performance trials in the next age group. He is a lot more comfy with cricket and I think the big difference is because the ground is much bigger compared to footy. In cricket you dont get as much noise from the parents and the coaches who are usually umpiring. I am also a lot calmer in cricket. Everytime he hits a boundary or takes a wicket, he will look at me and see me clapping action followed by a 'calm down/focus/dont worry' sign. If he is hit for boundaries and he looks towards me, he will see the same 'calm down/focus/dont worry' sign. Best poker face ever.. no reaction except the standard 'calm down'

Golf is another interesting one. Jr stopped playing but one of my PP and his 10 yr old plays. I have gone for a round with them. My PP almost has a melt down everytime his kid gets a shot wrong. So i stopped taking my son with them, because it put him off golf too. Apparently he is far more relaxed and better scoring when he has Mummy on his bag. With no crowds around, it all comes down to parents in golf

 

[Deleted member 18588]

As the father of two sons now in their thirties and fathers themselves my advice is simple.

Be the chauffeur and only speak when you are spoken to. Don't let them get used to looking for your reaction. Let them do it for their own satisfaction.

Both the boys played County Youth cricket, 11-19 and thus received professional coaching and the last thing they needed was input from me.

Encouragement is OK but again beware about overdoing it as it can soon become overpowering no matter how well intentioned.

They were also District Schools footballers and I have to admit that the attitude surrounding that sport at youth level was completely different , with many trying to live out their own unfulfilled ambitions.

 

[Lord Tyrion]

He is <10...




I had the same opinion before we had kids. Growing up was hard knock school for most of us. But things have changed, the pressure/exposure/opportunities have been increasing. If a kid is not in an academy by 10, he/she is considered a failure. Its not only sport, but the same applies to academics, music, social media etc. Everyone wants a combination of Einstein, Tiger Woods, Beethoven, Mark Zukerberg rolled into one.
While it is not molly coddling, the danger is that they grow up with a very low self esteem or worse turn to chasing likes on social media because that is a derived way of being accepted.




I agree.. they all want to win. I find Cricket another interesting sport. Jr plays it to a decent level and was asked for performance trials in the next age group. He is a lot more comfy with cricket and I think the big difference is because the ground is much bigger compared to footy. In cricket you dont get as much noise from the parents and the coaches who are usually umpiring. I am also a lot calmer in cricket. Everytime he hits a boundary or takes a wicket, he will look at me and see me clapping action followed by a 'calm down/focus/dont worry' sign. If he is hit for boundaries and he looks towards me, he will see the same 'calm down/focus/dont worry' sign. Best poker face ever.. no reaction except the standard 'calm down'

Golf is another interesting one. Jr stopped playing but one of my PP and his 10 yr old plays. I have gone for a round with them. My PP almost has a melt down everytime his kid gets a shot wrong. So i stopped taking my son with them, because it put him off golf too. Apparently he is far more relaxed and better scoring when he has Mummy on his bag. With no crowds around, it all comes down to parents in golf

When my son started playing golf for his junior team I walked a few holes initially and then noticed he turned to me every time he hit a bad shot. After two matches I told him I wouldn't go round with him again. I'd watch him on the 1st and be there on the 18th. Everything inbetween was down to him to work out. I told him I didn't care how he got on, just enjoy it.

He played better after that and enjoyed it far more than the kids whose parents followed them every hole. He was free to make his own mistakes without feeling someone was judging him. Parents need to back off.

My wife couldn't understand how I used to stay calm, didn't speak, on the sidelines during all of his sports. The answer is I wasn't calm, was doing an internal commentary throughout but I wanted him to think I was Zen like.

Keep it up, keep it calm and enjoy it all with him.

 

[Deleted member 23270]

Let's move away from molly-coddling. If he can't handle the pressure, he needs to learn from experience or give up competitive sports because he's in for a world of pain.

We shouldn't shield children from failure. We shouldn't shield them from pressure. We should simply provide the opportunity to experience the world but support them when they do fail.

This ^^

Sport is competitive, if it isn't then it's not sport just exercise. The lad needs to learn to handle the pressure or he isn't going to be any good, simple as that.

Harsh words I'm afraid but that's how it is.

 

[MegaSteve]

My brother coached junior football teams...
He loved every minute of it apart from dealing with the parents that is...

 

[pbrown7582]

My brother coached junior football teams...
He loved every minute of it apart from dealing with the parents that is...

I do and know those feelings.....

Ps. you want to try being a ref at these matches U6 upwards some people do really need to get a grip

 

[Deleted member 18588]

This ^^

Sport is competitive, if it isn't then it's not sport just exercise. The lad needs to learn to handle the pressure or he isn't going to be any good, simple as that.

Harsh words I'm afraid but that's how it is.

Absolute tosh!

We aren't talking about professional sport here. The OP's son is playing kid's football and that is all about children enjoying the game with an element of competition involved.

Yours are not harsh words, they are uninformed words!

If the win at all costs mentality is allowed to take hold then many more children will decide to give sport a miss.

That would really help with the obesity crisis.

 

[Kellfire]

Absolute tosh!

We aren't talking about professional sport here. The OP's son is playing kid's football and that is all about children enjoying the game with an element of competition involved.

Yours are not harsh words, they are uninformed words!

If the win at all costs mentality is allowed to take hold then many more children will decide to give sport a miss.

That would really help with the obesity crisis.

Children should be instilled with a desire to win.

 

[Deleted member 23270]

Absolute tosh!

We aren't talking about professional sport here. The OP's son is playing kid's football and that is all about children enjoying the game with an element of competition involved.

Yours are not harsh words, they are uninformed words!

If the win at all costs mentality is allowed to take hold then many more children will decide to give sport a miss.

That would really help with the obesity crisis.

Try reading what I posted before commenting. Nothing wrong with kids running about the park and kicking a ball around but that isn't sport, it's exercise. If they are going to sign up for a team, pull on a strip and play against other teams then it becomes sport and it is competitive.

Do you enter your club medals with no intention of trying to do well?

 

[Deleted member 18588]

Children should be instilled with a desire to win.

That doesn't need to be instilled, that is natural in all of us.

What is not needed is pressure to achieve that result and nor is there a need for parents to "stick their oar in" by making the result more important than it actually is.

 

[Mudball]

This ^^

Sport is competitive, if it isn't then it's not sport just exercise. The lad needs to learn to handle the pressure or he isn't going to be any good, simple as that.

Harsh words I'm afraid but that's how it is.

IMO... i dont agree with the idea.. Kids are not born with the innate ability to handle pressure.. It is a learnt skill. Sure there will be odd Tiger that came swinging from the womb. Others will learn but that does not mean that they need to thrown into the deep end when they are kids.

Organised sports is moving that way too.. Pair cricket is a good way of getting kids into cricket where they dont have to worry about getting out but focus on spending time in the middle. Equally no penalties/winners/everyone gets a medal approach in footy helps kids to play footy.


Atleast we are not going down the American way where they are increasingly showing kid sports as national competition on Telly.

Children should be instilled with a desire to win.

Desire to win has nothing to do with pitchfork parents shouting at them. My son played county level chess before he gave up. You should see the kids who come runner up in the tournaments. They cry their hearts out.

On that topic, Jr hardly cries after footy and can be seen comforting his team instead. I found that odd, but you can read it both ways - he is not emotionally involved or that he is strong enough not to be affected but takes care of his team instead. It does not mean he does not have the desire to win or not affected.

I do and know those feelings.....

Ps. you want to try being a ref at these matches U6 upwards some people do really need to get a grip

Having been in tournament mode in the past few weeks, i feel for them.. fairly thankless

 

[Deleted member 18588]

Try reading what I posted before commenting. Nothing wrong with kids running about the park and kicking a ball around but that isn't sport, it's exercise. If they are going to sign up for a team, pull on a strip and play against other teams then it becomes sport and it is competitive.

Do you enter your club medals with no intention of trying to do well?

You seem to be the one who has difficulty with the reading of posts.

I clearly said that there is an element of competition involved.

It's the keeping in proportion of that competition which is important and once children start feeling pressure that has gone too far.

 

[Deleted member 23270]

IMO... i dont agree with the idea.. Kids are not born with the innate ability to handle pressure.. It is a learnt skill.

This is my point exactly. Life is competitive. If you want to get on then you have to compete in the workplace to get the best jobs or you can be a wallflower at the back of the queue and just accept whatever you are giving. Sport is a good way to learn those competitive skills.

Or we can go down the yoghurt knitting path of not offending anybody........