Joke time

[teetime72]

Mating Call


Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............

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you'll like this











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NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!




B.

 

[teetime72]

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Subject: dating in the 60s
It's the summer of 1960 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue .

Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue 's mother answers and invites him in.
'Peggy Sue 's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' she says.

That's cool. Peggy Sue 's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.

Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.

Peggy Sue 's mother responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.'

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says 'Wha...aaat?'

'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue 's mother, 'We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with Her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying,
'Have a good Evening kids,' with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:

'IT`S THE TWIST, MOTHER! THE TWIST! IT`S CALLED THE TWIST!'









-

 

[Doh]

A welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two
animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful
cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to
the lonely Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his
arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep,growled fiercely
until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets
together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and
behold, there was another
shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful
woman the man had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly
nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their
evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening...
red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night
of romance.
Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in
and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young
woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear,
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?’
>
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Sid i told this joke and a few more of yours at my captains dinner they went down very well, thank you.

 

[teetime72]

Always glad to oblige Doh.Glad you liked them.

Here`s one for the golden oldies.

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% .
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor, and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'



Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a new born baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'



An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know . . . The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'



Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'



Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'



A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'



Three old gals are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'



A woman was telling her neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'



Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'



One more . . .!



A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

 

[vig]

A couple were really feeling the credit crunch and struggling to pay the mortgage so they sat down and hatched a plan.

The wife would go on the game and for moral support and her safety the husband agreed to wait around the corner in his car.

First night on the street thewife was parading in her mini skirt and fishnets when this good looking muscular chap walks by.

Can I offer you anything she says

How much replies the bloke

£100 for the full works she says

I've only got £30 he says.

Wait a moment she says.

She nips around the corner and tells her husband. "well for £30 it's just a BJ" he says.

She returns to the stranger who agrees to this arrangement.

They get in the car and he drops his trousers to reveal the largest sabre she has ever seen.
"just a moment" she says and goes back to her husband
and says to him "you couldn't lend him £70 could you?

 

[teetime72]

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she ! was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

 

[madandra]

Billy the cabbie hated HOODIES and used to mount the pavement and run them over because he liked the thudding sound it made. One night he had a priest in his car and clocked a HOODIE walking and mounted the pavement but at the last second swerved to avoid the tosser as there was a priest in the car but although he never hit the kid there was still a thud. Billy confessed that he has been knocking them over to which the priest replied :


DON'T WORRY MY SON,



I GOT THE LITTLE EFFER WITH THE DOOR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!