Joke time

[vig]

Bill driving home down the motorway gets pulled over by a traffic cop parked under a bridge.
Cop : Name sir? Bill :John Smith
Cop :Occupation? Bill :Rectal Stretcher.
Cop: Rectal stretcher, whats that then.
Bill: Oh I put my hands up peoples arseholes and stretch them.
Cop :How far do you stretch them?
Bill: 6 foot.
Cop :my god what would you do with a 6 foot ***?
Bill: Put him in a squad car under a brdge

 

[teetime72]

A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'

 

[TonyN]

Do u do stand up sid?

 

[teetime72]

Only if there is no bed.

 

[TonyN]

bu-dum psssh

 

[madandra]

An Irishman is rowing a boat in a field of haywhen another Irishman drives past and stops.He looksa at the irishman in the boat and says ITS THICK F&%$¿#RS LIKE YOU THAT GIVE US A BAD NAME.I WOULD COME OUT THERE AND KICK THE 5H1TE OUT OF YOU IF I COULD SWIM.

 

[medwayjon]

Why did the pervert cross the road???

Because he got his genitals stuck in the chicken!

 

[medwayjon]

Why was the essex girl staring at an orange juice carton?

It said concentrate on the side.

------

What is an essex girls idea of protected sex?

A bus shelter!

------

A man with a pocket full of golf balls sat down opposite a young lady. noticing that she kept staring at his trouser reason he said "its golf balls" not being able to contain her curiousity she replied "does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

-----

The government have announced that they are going to start showing porn-films on petrol pumps while you fill up. It so that you can watch someone else getting f***ed at the same time as you.

-----

A schoolboy comes home and shows his parents his report card. he goes up to his mum and says "i got an A in science but had to have sex with my teacher." She tells him off and orders him to go and speak to his father to whom he repeats what he told his mum. Dad replies "Now son, you are a man now, we can drink beer, do all sorts of man things and I will buy you that motorbike you have always dreamed of." "But dad" the boy replies, "my bum hurts"

-----

A student staggers out of a pub one night and right in front of a cozzer, falls into the gutter.
"where do you think your'e going" says plod, "off to a lecture" replies the student. The copper retorts with "what do you take me for son, there are no lectures this time of night" To which the student replies, "you obviously havent met my girlfriend!"

 

[big_russ]

Who makes the most money, drug dealers or prostitutes?

Prostitutes because they can wash their crack and sell it again!

 

[teetime72]

Man and wife watching film on telly.

It was a sad film,but with a happy ending.

When it was over the husband turned to his wife
and said.

Darling,tell me something that will make me happy and sad
at the same time.

She replied.

You have a bigger dick than all your mates.

 

[OldWindy]

Patrick, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
'Mate, it's obvious,' says the lifeguard, 'you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. You're best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos about twosizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!'
The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing,looking sick! So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, 'What's wrong now?'
JAHEESUS!' said the lifeguard, 'Maaaaate. The potato goes in front!'

 

[smange]

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said,
"Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office.
"You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done f**k all but moan since you've been here."

 

[teetime72]

Love it Smange.

A VICAR DECIDED THAT A VISUAL DEMONSTRATION WOULD EMPHASISE HIS SUNDAY SERMON

FOUR WORMS WERE PLACED IN SEPARATE JARS.

THE FIRST WORM WAS PLACED IN A JAR OF ALCOHOL
THE SECOND WORM IN A JAR OF CIGARETTE SMOKE.
THE THIRD WORM IN A JAR OF CHOCOLATE SYRUP
THE FOURTH WORM IN A JAR OF GOOD CLEAN SOIL.

AT THE CONCLUSION OF HIS SERMON THE VICAR REPORTED THE FOLLOWING RESULTS.

THE FIRST WORM IN ALCOHOL---DEAD
THE SECOND WORM IN CIGARETTE SMOKE---DEAD
THE THIRD ONE IN CHOCOLATE SYRUP---DEAD
THE FOURTH WORM IN GOOD CLEAN SOIL---ALIVE

SO THE VICAR ASKED THE CONGREGATION " WHAT DID YOU LEARN FROM THIS DEMONSTRATION?"

A LITTLE GIRL SITTING AT THE BACK RAISED HER HAND AND SAID
" AS LONG AS YOU DRINK, SMOKE AND EAT CHOCOLATE , YOU WON'T HAVE WORMS"
THAT THEN ENDED THE SERVICE.

 

[rgs]

Captain of the golf club has a bad day on the course, hits every water hazard and lsoes a numner of balls. He returns to the clubhouse and orders the soup-the soup was a bit watery and teh chef decided to put a scoop of Potato in teh soup to make it more presentable-

The captain takes one look at the soup and asks do i play it as it lies or must i take a penalty drop?
______________________________________________________

Farmer rents a prize bull from the local AI centre. After 4 days with no sign of the bull being returned the local AI rep visits the farm and to his horror discovers the bull tied to a plough and the farmer roaring "i'll teach you there's more to life than romance."
-------------------------------------------------------
The same farmer wins a large sum of money on the lottery and decides to go on a cruise-no expense spared-first class tickets the lot--On his first night he tries to enter the first class dining room and is stopped by the steward-despite the farmers protests the steward refuses the farmer entry.
On checking the passenger list the captain discovers the error and sends the steward to invite teh farmer to dine at the captains table; the farmer took umbrage--"last night you refused to allow me into the 1st class dining room and now you want me to eat my meals with the crew".

---------------------------------------------------------
Tiger Woods pulls into a garage outside the K Club during the last Ryder Cup and asks the attendant to fill up his BMW, a couple of tees fall out of tigers pocket and the attendant asks what are they for--Tiger replies-there for resting my balls on--Bejaysus says the attnedant BMW think of everything.

 

[teetime72]

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a
healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.
'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bulletcame out,' replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.'
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago

A week later her son walked into the roomin tears,"It`s
ok said Mom",I know what happened,you were taking a leak and a bullet came out"



"No" said the boy,
" I was playing with myself and I shot the dog".

 

[teetime72]

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'



'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

 

[smange]

A letter to a problem page in a local rag.

I am a sailor in the merchant navy.
My parents live in Torry, Aberdeen and one of my sisters is married to a guy from England.
My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for dealing crack cocaine and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes.
I have two brothers; one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Peterhead Prison for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in Craiginches remand centre on charges of incest with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed is still a part time working girl in a brothel; however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.
We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this:

I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.......

Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being English?

 

[teetime72]

Three builders having their lunch on top of a high building.

Scottie opens his sandwiches,`Beef every day the same,if I get it again tomorrow I`ll thow myself off`.

Taffy opened his lunch,`Lamb,always the same,once more and I`ll top myself`.

Paddy opened his box,`Pork,bejaasus,if it comes again I`ll throw myself off`.

The following day,Scottie got beef,Taffy had lamb,and Paddy had pork.

All three jumped.

At the funeral the three widows got talking,

`If he`d told me
I`d have made somthing else`said Scotties wife.

`So would I`said Taffys wife.

`I don`t understand Patrick`,said his wife.

`He put his own sandwiches up`.

 

[smange]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on
sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into
the kitchen and said to his wife,

'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back
into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked
Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and said wearily, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging
down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat,
Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

 

[teetime72]

I TRULY DID NOT KNOW THIS!

Las Vegas Churches
accept gambling chips

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE
TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN
LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES
THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME
WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE
BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM
MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE
OFFERINGS..

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR
COLLECTED CH IPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS
ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

YOU
DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU?