Joke time

[vig]

Cathilic priest checks into a moteland says
"I do hope the porn channel in my room is disabled"

Receptionist " why no sir, it's just regular porn you sick b@$£@rd.


A bloke catches a tasty bird giving him the eye in a supermarket. "Do I know you" he said
She asks him "aren't you the father of one of my children"?
He quickly thinks back to the onnly time he had been unfaithful and adds " were you the hooker that I took over the pool table at my stag do while your mate spanked me with a piece of wet celery while shoving a huge cucumber up mt bum"?
No! she replies, i'm your daughters teacher!

 

[teetime72]

Nice one Vig.

I wasn`t going to post any more for a while
buy I must share this one.


Treatment for Sunburn

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked,
'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?

The doctor replied, ''It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs"

 

[smange]

A happy couple are off on their holidays and arrive at the airport along with their lucky white rabbit and skunk.

They approach customs and fear they would have to leave their beloved pets behind.

The man has a plan. "I'll wrap our white rabbit around my waist, it will look like a furry bum-bag."

And what about the skunk?" asks the woman.

"Put it down your pants!" he says as they get closer and closer.

She isn't convinced it will work and says "what about the smell?"

The man answers "well if it dies, it dies!"

 

[teetime72]

An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah! We can take an *** out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours




B.

 

[smange]

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist..

’Come now,’ coaxed the doctor, ’you’ve been seeing me for years!

There’s nothing you can’t tell me.’

’This one’s kind of strange....’

’Let me be the judge of that,’ the doctor replied.

’Well,’ she said, ’yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.’

’I see.’

’That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were twenty pence pieces in the bowl.’


’That night,’ she went on, ’I went again, plink-plink-plink, and there were 50 pence pieces and this morning there were pound coins!
You’ve got to tell me what’s wrong with me!,’ she implored,

’I’m scared out of my wits!’

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
’There, there, it’s nothing to be scared about.’
- You’re simply going through the change!

 

[big_russ]

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place,and as he shows her around his
apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is
completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking,'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well,how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her,

strokes her cheek,

looks deeply into her eyes,






and says:







'Help yourself to any prize

from the middle shelf'

 

[smange]

A guy wanted to buy a motorbike.
He doesn't have much luck until, one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right
there, in front of her parents face.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'All right, that's enough, I'll do the ****** dishes"

 

[teetime72]

Three Aussie`s were working on a high rise building.
Steve Bruce and Bluey.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body aw ay, Bruce says,'Someone should go and
tell his wife.'

Bluey says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says, 'Where did you get that,Bluey?'

'Steve's wife gave it to me,' Bluey replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she Gave you the beer?`


'Well not exactly,' Bluey says. 'When she answered the door, I said to
her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are.'
_____________________________

 

[smange]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,

'You Sign! You sign!'

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,

'You Sign! You sign!'

Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.

When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.

He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,

'You sign! You sign!'

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:

'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.

On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,

'You sign! You sign!'

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:

'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?'

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:



(Get your best Chinese accent ready)






“Are you Nissan Main Dealer”

 

[teetime72]

A welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two
animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful
cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to
the lonely Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his
arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep,growled fiercely
until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets
together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and
behold, there was another
shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful
woman the man had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly
nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their
evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening...
red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night
of romance.
Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in
and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young
woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear,
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?’
>
>


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[teetime72]

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" And on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realising what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"

 

[Ronnoc1980]

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

 

[teetime72]

.
A man goes to a public golf course.
He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and
says, 'I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie.'

The man behind the counter says, 'The 18 holes of golf is no
problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today.'

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, 'I think my driver will do the job.'

The robot caddie turned to the man and said, 'No sir. Use your
3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole.'

Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact
with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, 'I think this green is gonna break left to right..'

The robot then again spoke up and said, 'No sir. I do believe
this green will break right to left' Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter
Asked, 'How was your game ?' The golfer stated, 'It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week.

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, 'I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please.'

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, 'Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints.'

Confused, the golfer cried, 'COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck
could've complained about those robots? They were incredible'

The man sighed and said, 'Well, it wasn't their performance.
It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun
reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way. '

The golfer said, 'So then why didn't you just paint them black?'

The man nodded sadly and replied, 'We did. Then four of 'em
didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other is running for President.'

 

[Smiffy]

A professor was visiting East Anglia University giving a talk on the paranormal.
He stood in front of a packed auditorium and said "Today we will be talking about ghosts"...
About 150 students fell into hushed silence.
"Hands up all those that believe in ghosts" he said.
About 80 hands shot up.
"Great, it's good to see you are taking this seriously. Now hands up, all those that have actually seen a ghost"
About half the number of hands went back down again.
"This is good" he said. "Now hands up, all those that have actually talked to a ghost"
Most people put their hands down, but about 10 or so students left their hands up.
"Right, now we are getting somewhere" said the professor.
"Hands up those that have actually touched a ghost"
Most hands now went down, but three hands remained in the air, including a young local lads at the back of the room.
"OK" said the professor, "this one have always resulted in a blank, but I'll ask it anyway. Hands up, all those that have actually had sex with a ghost"
The only hand left up was the young lads at the back of the room.
"Well that's amazing" said the professor and gestured to the young lad to come down to the stage.
As the youngster arrived at the stage, the professor turned to him and said "Well son, that's the first time anybody has ever answered positively to my last question. Now please tell everybody else here what it was like having sex with a ghost"
The student looked embarressed and then said "I'm sorry Sir, I was right at the back of the room and could hardly hear anything. I thought you said GOATS"

 

[vig]

Yorkshire chat up lines

1. Did thy fart, cos tha just blew me away

2. Grab the coat tha's just pulled

3. Are the parents retarded cos tha's special

4. My love for thee is like the shits, I just can't hold it in

5. is there a mirror in the knickers cos I can see mi sen in em

6. Thy body reminds me of a spanner, every time i think of thee mi nuts tighten up

7. Tha might not be best looking bird in here but beuety is only a light switch away

 

[madandra]

Paddy's wife waters broke and he rushed her to the hospital. On arrival at the maternity the midwife asked Paddy how dilated his wife was to which he replied;


'She is over the f*****n' moon'

 

[vig]

A woman, trying to spice up her sex life buys a pair of crotchless pants. She sits opposite her husband who asks "are you wearing crotchless pants"
"yes" she replies
Husband says "thank fick for that, i thought the sofa had burst"

 

[RGuk]

'Help yourself to any prize

from the middle shelf'

Very good!

Here's a silly one.

The monkeys have a reputation in the jungle for making useful tools for eating etc. They cleverly designed (out of wood) one point tools, two and three pointed tools and in the last couple of days a 4 pointed tool. News soon spread that they had all got into making these new 4 point tools.

One morning, the monkey colony wake up to discover all the 4 points tools have been stolen in the night.

The chief monkey goes to see the wise Elephant and asks him if he knows anything....anything at all?

The wise Elephant says that rumours are circulating that one of the big cats might be responsible.

So the monkey goes off in search of the Lions, who know nothing, the Tigers who also deny all responsibility and the Leopards who couldn't give a damn anyway. So he gives up and heads home.

Just before he reaches the river, the monkey spots an unknown big cat and asks him "do you know anything about the disappearance of our 4 point tools?". The big cat replies "NO!" but the monkey is not very convinced.

As the cat turns away.....the monkey notices some writing on the rear of the cat.....and is surprised to read....

.
.
.
.
.
Jaguar......Four Point Tool Eater.......

 

[Atticus_Finch]

Wee pregnant glasgow lassie phones the local maternity to let them know that her baby is due at any moment...

"A need an amblunce cus ma water's huv pure broke!!"

"No problem miss, we just need to know where you're ringing from"

"From ma knees tae ma fanny. Whit dae ye need tae know that fur?"

 

[vig]

Atticus, that is spooky as I was just going to post the same joke.