Favourite golf witticisms and jests!

[andybarc]

I think a nice way to while away a Sunday afternoon (waiting for the wife to to into labour) would be to share and read some of everyone's favourite golf funnies.

Here are two of mine:

"I'll never forget the day I broke 80. I got so drunk in the bar I almost forgot to play the back 9"

I don't know who said the above, but I think it was Arnold Palmer who, when asked how he managed to take an 11 on a par 5 replied:

"I missed a four footer for a ten" (I've plaigurised this myself many times!)

Anyone have any any good ones?

 

[Hunka Turf]

Player A: Do you reckon I can get there with a 5 iron?
Player B: Eventually....

 

[andybarc]

That 5 iron comment reminds me of a game I played with two friends. A was playing out of the bunker and before doing so expressed his lack of confidence.
A:this is tricky and this sand is shallow
B: just pop it out beyond the flag and spin it back towards the hole

A smashes the ball out of the bunker, over the hedges and into someone's back garden. As it lands on a shed, B is shouting at it

"bite, bite"

 

[Andy808]

A regular one in my group is when someone thins a chip or hits a topped tee shot that stays on the green.
"longest putt of the day!"
Last year when the course was baked concrete hard one of the guys hit a terrible tee shot on a par 4 that goes over a ridge 150 yards from the green and runs down hill all the way to the green from there. With 190 yards to go he hit a 4 iron that never got more than a couple of inches off the ground and when we walked up the to ridge to where my ball was his was on the green about 2 foot from the pin.

 

[Oddsocks]

That 5 iron comment reminds me of a game I played with two friends. A was playing out of the bunker and before doing so expressed his lack of confidence.
A:this is tricky and this sand is shallow
B: just pop it out beyond the flag and spin it back towards the hole

A smashes the ball out of the bunker, over the hedges and into someone's back garden. As it lands on a shed, B is shouting at it

"bite, bite"

This tickles me!

 

[CMAC]

"The more I practice the luckier I get" Gary Player

 

[Oddsocks]

One I commonly use is when I hit a wild drive

" it's a better line in from there "

 

[m9wst]

Someone duffs one from the middle of the fairway they'll get a "well out" comment.

 

[G1BB0]

Someone duffs one from the middle of the fairway they'll get a "well out" comment.

I like that one :thup:

 

[Sweep]

Golfer to caddie after a bad round:- "You must be the worst caddie in the world."
Caddie: "Oh no, Sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

 

[andybarc]

My group has a few naughty ones as well! The least naughty of these is to declare a a shot a "Sally Gunnell" in that it's a runner, but it's not pretty!

 

[6inchcup]

My group has a few naughty ones as well! The least naughty of these is to declare a a shot a "Sally Gunnell" in that it's a runner, but it's not pretty!

we use the SALLY GUNNELL one but its ugly,but a good runner,another fav is when one of your group hits a short tee shot with the driver,the normal response is "does your husband play"

 

[Sid Rixon IV]

When someone leaves a putt well short it's a "dead sheep" - "still you".

To the golfer who always used a new ball and immediately lost it.
"Why don't you use an old ball?"
"I've never had one"

 

[stevie_r]

I'm always amused by the expression 'a swing like an octopus falling out of a tree'

 

[London mike 61]

One of the guys I play with is older than me and one of his ' senior ' comments when one of us has missed a putt is " that one would have gone in if it hadn't of missed " .

I always have a chuckle at that one. :rofl:

 

[andybarc]

Bob Hope was big on golf quotes. I like:

"I'll shoot my age if I live to be 105"

 

[andybarc]

Or, remember Seve's great quote:

"I'd like to see the fairways narrowed, that way everyone would have the play from the rough. Not just me"

 

[ArnoldArmChewer]

we use the SALLY GUNNELL one but its ugly,but a good runner,another fav is when one of your group hits a short tee shot with the driver,the normal response is "does your husband play"

I like the Dennis Wise putt, 'a nasty little five footer'

 

[Deleted member 15344]

I like the Dennis Wise putt, 'a nasty little five footer'

Paula Radcliffe - bit ugly but runs a long way

After hitting a scabby tee shot into a par 3 - bit like sleeping with the sis in law - you're up there but you know you shouldn't be

 

[North Mimms]

When someone chips or putts well past the hole, there is usually a shout of "Taxi!" from one of our group