freddielong
Tour Winner
Just a couple of things that made me laugh feel free to add
A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second!"
"That's it!" She blows her top. "You b*stard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh sh*t. It's started."
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My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.
So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said; "I'm sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead" replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said; "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried; "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?"
The vet shrugged; "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but.....with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.
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The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex, it's all good but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch!
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After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive", Osama
himself decided to send Bush a letter in his own handwriting to
let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of
coded message: 370HSSV-0773H.
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Cheney. Cheney and his
aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at
the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps
Intelligence for help
Within a few seconds the Marines cabled back with this reply:
"Tell Bush he's holding the message upside down."
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The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play
football and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to
Anfield.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down at Man Utd with only 20
minutes left.
The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The
lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game
for Liverpool.
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and so
is the media.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her
about his first day in English football.
"Hello mum, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent.
"I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and
we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."
"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father
got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed,
sexually assaulted and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of
looters, and all while you were having such great time."
The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."
"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mum, "It's your bl**dy fault we moved
to Liverpool in the first place!"
Apologies if you have heard them before
A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second!"
"That's it!" She blows her top. "You b*stard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh sh*t. It's started."
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.
So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said; "I'm sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead" replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said; "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried; "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?"
The vet shrugged; "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but.....with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex, it's all good but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch!
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive", Osama
himself decided to send Bush a letter in his own handwriting to
let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of
coded message: 370HSSV-0773H.
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Cheney. Cheney and his
aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at
the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps
Intelligence for help
Within a few seconds the Marines cabled back with this reply:
"Tell Bush he's holding the message upside down."
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play
football and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to
Anfield.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down at Man Utd with only 20
minutes left.
The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The
lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game
for Liverpool.
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and so
is the media.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her
about his first day in English football.
"Hello mum, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent.
"I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and
we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."
"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father
got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed,
sexually assaulted and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of
looters, and all while you were having such great time."
The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."
"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mum, "It's your bl**dy fault we moved
to Liverpool in the first place!"
Apologies if you have heard them before
