Joke

[Region3]

Probably done the rounds before but I'd not heard it so might make someone chuckle...

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Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, 'How's the singing career going?'

Stevie replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?'

Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now.'

Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.'

Tiger says, 'You play GOLF?'

Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years'.

Tiger says, 'But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?'

Stevie Wonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.'

'But, how do you putt?' asks Tiger

'Well', says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.'

Tiger asks, 'What's your handicap?'

Stevie says, 'Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer.'

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'We've got to play a round sometime.'

Stevie replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem?'

Woods thinks about it and says, ' I can afford that, OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?'

Stevie Wonder says, 'Pick a night'

 

[smange]

Oldie but goodie

Continuing on the Stevie Wonder theme....

Stevie Wonder is playing a concert in Tokyo. At the end of the gig he asks if there are any requests and a Japanese guy at the front shouts "play a jazz chord."

So Stevie plays 15 minutes of perfect Jazz. Then the same guy shouts "NO, play a jazz chord." Stevie, feeling a bit put out, says "if you think you can do better, come up and have a go."

So the wee Japanese guy gets up on the stage, sits at the piano, picks up the microphone and sings...

"a jazz chord to say a ruv you"

 

[Golfmmad]

How about a golf joke.

Three men warming up on the tee, a grandfather, his son and grandson.

A fit looking young girl walks up and says, "Good morning gents, do you mind if I join you? I really feel i'm going to play well today".

"Of course, please do", said the grandfather.

On the first she smacks the ball 200yds straight down the middle.

On the second, 200yds down the middle again.

They eventually get to the 18th green. The girl says,"If i make this 15 foot putt I'll shoot my best ever score. I have an apartment overlooking the golf course and anybody that helps me I'd like to invite back to my apartment for a few drinks and a bit of fun"!

So the grandson says to her, "I've played this hole many times, just hit it left lip and watch it roll in."

The father says, "Now, I've played this for many years, just start it right side and it rolls right in, trust me".

The grandfather walks to the ball, picks it up saying,"That's a gimmie, now where are we going?"

Golfmmad.

 

[drawboy]

2 fella's were putting out on the green. To the left were bunkers to the right deep woods, as they had avoided both they were feeling a bit smug. As 1 man lined up his putt a young woman totally naked came rushing out of the woods and straight across the green. The pair stared in utter amazement as she ran up the fairway.A minute later 2 men in white coats dashed out of the woods in pursuit of the streaker, "bloody hell,aint seen that before here said one to his pal. Just then a third man also in a white coat came out of the woods carrying 2 buckets of sand puffing and panting. Whoa! what the hells going on then demanded the golfer. the white coated man replied " Sorry mate that girl has escaped from the asylum, she does it every week and we are sent to catch her and bring her back"."Fair enough sez the other golfer but why are you carrying buckets of sand?" the man replies "I caught her last week!"

 

[Fore]

And another one...
From the Glasgow Herald Diary

AN ENGLISH reader calls to claim that his local television station announced: "Tonight you can watch our World Cup preview, apart from viewers in Scotland who can see the classic film, Out of Africa."

 

[SS2]

And another one...
From the Glasgow Herald Diary

AN ENGLISH reader calls to claim that his local television station announced: "Tonight you can watch our World Cup preview, apart from viewers in Scotland who can see the classic film, Out of Africa."

The Diary can be excellent. When we beat the French Home and Away during the recent qualifiers, the diary's mock headline was "Frogs Lose Both Legs".