Joke time

[teetime72]

Man walks into Tiffanys seeking a present for his wife,spots a diamond ring and as he bends over to inspect it he inadvertantly breaks wind.

Red faced he hopes no-one has noticed his little `accident` but as he turns round he is faced with a sales lady.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionism she greets the man with.`Good day sir.How may we help you today`.

Very uncomfortable,but hoping she wasn`t there when he had his `accident`,he asks the price of the ring.

She answers `Sir if you farted just looking at it,your going to sh*t youself when I tell you the price.

 

[Dave3498]

Brilliant joke that. Made my day.

 

[teetime72]

Try this one.

Lady jockey returns horse to stable.

`HE`s sweating up a bit` says groom.

She replied. `SO would you be dear boy,if you`d just spent

half an hour between my thighs`.

 

[vig]

Little boy asks his dad where poo comes from
dad replies : food passes down the oesophagus to the stomach where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal to extract protein before the waste product descends via the colon & rectum to emerge as poo.

Blimey says the little boy looking shocked, where the frick does tigger come from then?

 

[TipTopGolf]

Whats pink 6 inches long and guaranteed to put a smile on your womans face??

A £50 note

 

[teetime72]

JOhn McCain and Barak Obama ended up at the same hairdressers.

As they sat there,each being worked on by a different barber,not a word was spoken.

The barbers were even afraid to staet a conversation for fear it would turn to politics.

As Obamas barber finished the shave he reached for the aftershave.
Obama was quick to stop him saying,`No thanks,my wife Michelle will smell that and think i`ve been in a whorehouse`.

The second barber asked McCain,`How about you?
McCain replied,`Go ahead,my wife doesn`t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like

 

[Dave3498]

That is beautiful teetime72. These jokes are getting better and better.

 

[teetime72]

Subject: FW: THE SPEECH THERAPIST
A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said 'If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.
So, who wants to go first?'


The Englishman piped up. 'B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham', he said.

'That's no use, Trevor' said the speech therapist, 'Who's next ?'

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out 'P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley'.


'That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.

How about you, Paddy ?'

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out '
London '.

'Brilliant, Paddy' said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said .....................

---

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---


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d-d-d-d-d-d-derry

 

[teetime72]

A minister was completing a temperance sermon.


With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in


The world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and


Pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'  

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The hymn-leader stood very cautiously and announced


 With a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing hymn, let us sing


Hymn No.365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'

 

[Atticus_Finch]

Two peanuts walking in the Bronx....
One was assaulted.

 

[time_vans]

Subject: FW: THE SPEECH THERAPIST
A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said 'If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.
So, who wants to go first?'




The Englishman piped up. 'B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham', he said.

'That's no use, Trevor' said the speech therapist, 'Who's next ?'

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out 'P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley'.


'That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.

How about you, Paddy ?'

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out '
London '.

'Brilliant, Paddy' said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said .....................

---

---
---


---

d-d-d-d-d-d-derry

superb

 

[SS2]

If Tommy Cooper Were Alive Today................

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on
it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It
was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?'
I said, 'No, permanent.'

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said,
'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
Volkswagen with no driver.

I went to the local video shop and I said 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?'
He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went
T'PAU! I said 'Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said 'No, I've got china in my
hand.'

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best
Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said
'No, just a watch.'

I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke
said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said,
'You've got cholera.'

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it
down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just
went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary
work??
I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is
for the custard.'

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper.
He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me
on?'
I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything.'

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip
outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you'

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes
first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to
say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me
managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and
asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing
a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two
counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar'
I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Robbie Williams.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays
or Thursdays.

 

[Herbie]

Did you see the para olympics? Recently one of the 800m atheletes had his medal taken back after he tested positive for WD40.

 

[big_russ]

My dad was telling me about the football match for the partialy sighted at the paralympics where they blind fold all the players to make it fair and play with a ball with bells on.
I said to him was that where that morris dancer got kicked to death?

 

[big_russ]

This spoof agony aunt letter was sent to me by a colleague and i nearly wet myself when i read it.

Dear Jayne,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.

I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her. Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls.'

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, and she took her knickers out of her handbag and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop at Davenport where I bought it?

Regards

John

 

[evita4]

I went to the doctor today and told him I was having trouble pronouncing my F's and TH's.

He replied "Ah well, you can't say fairer than that then"

 

[Atticus_Finch]

Two atoms are walking down the street when they happen across another atom lying bruised and battered in the gutter.

"What happened to you?" they say.

"I've just been mugged and the bugger went and stole my electron!" replied the battered atom.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I'm positive"

 

[Dave3498]

Lesley and her husband Barry went for counselling after 37 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, Lesley went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 37 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on - neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Lesley to stand, unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as her husband Barry watched with a raised eyebrow.

Lesley shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to Barry and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

Barry thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf. Can you pick her up?'

 

[teetime72]

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying b******d!
You've been playing golf!'

 

[vig]

A man can't stand his wifes cat so decides to dump it.
He drives 5 miles out of town and chucks it from the car. He drives straight home and the cat is sat in his armchair.
Undeterred the following day he drives 20 miles from home and chucks the cat out. Drives straight home and sure enough the cat is sat in his armchair.
The following morning he drives across the country for 8 hours and chucks the cat out. After 4 hours he telephones his wife. He asks "is the cat home"? His wife replies "yes"
Put the F***er on the phone will you i'm lost.