I'll get my coat thread (bad gags alert)

[CallawayKid]

What's a Hindu?
.
.
.
.
.
.
Lays eggs...

I thank you!

CK

 

[Paul_Stewart]

This thread is either the most awesome in Golf Monthly history or a complete pile of abysmal tosh.

And I really can't make up my mind either way.



A large letter dropped through my letter-box this morning with the words DO NOT BEND in bold black print.

How the hell am I supposed to pick it up?

 

[Tiger]

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any

FOR SALE: 1 Parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain.

 

[Tiger]

And one for friends of Smiffy

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

 

[GB72]

I am off for a 2 week stay at a nudist camp.

The first couple of days will be the hardest.

 

[Curls]

Man walks up to his wife with a pig under his arm and says "this is the cow I've been sleeping with".

She says - "that's a pig".

He says - I was talking to the pig.

 

[bladeplayer]

Second Opinion!

The doctor said, 'Harry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

I was shocked and depressed. I wondered if I had anything to live for. I had no choice but to go under the knife. When I left the hospital, I was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but I felt like I was missing an important part of Myself. As I walked down the street, I realized that I felt like a different person. I could make a new beginning and live a new life.

I saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'

I entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'

The elderly tailor eyed me briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'

I laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

I tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As I, admired myself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

I thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed me and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

I was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

I tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

I walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

I thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.

I laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache

 

[Tiger]

Bladeplayer that is briliant

 

[bladeplayer]

Try these then


____________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it..

(I Love this child)
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.

Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

 

[Yerman]

Old western song "Get off the AGA Granny, you're too old to be riding the range"

 

[drawboy]

2 fish in a tank, one say's to the other. "How do we drive this thing?"

Sergent say's to the private. I didn't see you in camoflage class this morning Private Jones"
Private jones, "Thank you very much Sarg"!

Man goes in a pub...you only used to get crisps and nuts

 

[vig]

Wife came in and asked why the laptop was sticky.

It's not what you think, It's ice cream.

How did you get ice cream on it.

Ever tried eating a cornet whilst masturbating.




Boss said to me, you watch the apprentice.
I said thank feck It's not just me, I followed her to the toilet yesterday.


Goin to the job centre in the morning