I'll get my coat thread (bad gags alert)

Paul_Stewart

Paul_Stewart

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I saw a dyslexic Yorkshire man today......................he was wearing his cat flap

A friend of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train.
He was chuffed to bits.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin...
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...
I thought to myself, these blokes have lost the plot!!

I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance.
Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something waterproof and shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her bathroom scales.

Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C,"he said.
"What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."

I start a new job in Seoul next week.
I thought it was a good Korea move.

I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs.
The birds love it!

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
From next week, all the forms will be printed in English only.

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' -
I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country

The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night.
To be fair the audience did try to warn him
 
Two blokes lying next to each other in hospital.
"I hear we've got a case of Gonorrhea coming in tonight" says one.
"That'll make a change from fecking Lucozade" the other replies.

Bloke goes to the doctors.
"I keep thinking I'm a biscuit" he says.
"What, a square one with holes in?" asks the Doc.
"Yes" came the reply.
"Your crackers" said the doc
 
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. F**k me, talk about Dyson with death.

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg"

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my a**e! Do you think I should change dentists?

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said your obviously not f*****g listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
 
· My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
·
· Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "F*ck that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
·
· Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same, but the ironing is building up and I’m starving!
·
· A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from? You sound English", "I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously. "What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist." "What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals." "It’s alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.
·
· Spent £40 on eBay last week for a p*nis enlarger. Just opened it and some b*$%^tard's sent me a magnifying glass!
·
· I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
·
· I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
·
· What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction.
·
· A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? ............ You’re in a wheel chair.
·
 
I was having a lie in this morning when a knock on the door woke me up. Went downstairs and there were 2 policemen at the door who showed me a picture and asked if it was my wife.
I said yes then they said they were extremely sorry but it looks like she's be run over by a bus.
I replied yes I know, but she's got a lovely personality.


My wife confronted me today over some missing underwear.
I almost s**t her pants.


I made my girlfriends wishes come true and we got married in a castle, although you wouldn't have thought it from the look on her face as we were bouncing around.


My mate asked me if I talk to my wife while I'm making love.
I said "yes, if there's a phone handy".


For sale - packet of polo's, unopened. Mint condition.


I was shopping today when I accidentally bumped into a really small bloke and knocked his shopping everywhere.
I'm not happy! he said
Oh, which one are you then?


After the terrible accident with the human cannonball in Kent earlier this year the organisers expressed their sorrow and commented "we'll struggle to find a replacement of his calibre."
 
I took Jan out last night to celebrate her birthday, booked a table and everything.
How was I to know she didn't like snooker.

Bill spots his mate Bob in the pub looking all sad. What's wrong Bob? He replies It's our cat. I don't like the look of it so I'm taking it to the vet to be put down.
Hang on says Bill, I'll bring the wife, I can't stand the sight of her.

My ex was so fat I couldn't get over her, I had to get up and go round her.
 
I went to buy a Goldfish, and he said "Do you want an aquarium?" And I said, "I don't care what star sign it is"



I went to buy a watch, "Analogue?" asked assistant. "No, just a watch please." (tip: say it outloud!)



Do you hear about the truck load of terrapins that crashed into a truck load of tortoises? It was a turtle disaster.



That Black Beauty, he was a dark horse.



I told my mum I'd bought a theatre, "Are you having me on?" she said "Well, " I said "I'll give you an audition but I can't make any promises."



I went to the video shop, I said "Can I take out the elephant man?" The assistant said "He's not your type!" So I said "Can I have Batman Forever?" "No," said the assistant "You've got to bring it back on Monday."



Velcro: What a rip off!



I went stealing in the supermarket carried on the shoulder of two vampires. I was charged with shoftlifting on two counts.



You know what I like doing, trying to cram myself into a small suitcase! I can hardly contain myself!



I met the fella who invented the crossword the other day, can't remember his name, it was P something T something R.



I had lunch with Garry Karparov and there was a checked table cloth. I asked him to pass the salt and it took 45 minutes!



He said, "you remind me of a pepperpot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment!"



Batman hit me on the head with a teapot and went "T'Pau!" I said "Don't you mean "K'pow!" "No," he said "I've got china in my hand."



Andrew Lloyd Webber went into Burger King and said "I'll have two whoppers." The assistant said "Ok, you're handsome and you write great musicals!"



I visited the local RSPCA offices the other day, it's tiny! You coulnd't swing a cat in there!



I've got a sponge front door, hey, don't knock it!



I don't do jokes about elephants. Not on your Nelly!



I don't do jokes about small wooden ladders going over dry stone walls, that's not my style


Fragger :D
 
Bloke walks up to a bar , sees another bloke looking very glum. Asks "what's up Mate". The bloke shows him a box and there's music coming out of it. "What's taht all about" asks the first bloke.
"Have a look"
Inside is a foot tall bloke in a white Tux tinkling the ivories of a small Grand Piano.

"Wow that's great, why are you looking so pee'd off"

"Well, I met this Genie and I think he mis-heard my wish and gave me a 12 inch Pianist"
 
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