Funny Stuff

What time does Andy Murray get up at?

Around tennish

Whats does a napkin say when it's not ready to play tennis?

Dont serviette.

A man on the bus asked me today if I thought every sentence should contain a vegetable.

I told him not necesscelery.
 
A female golfer was stung by a wasp whilst on the front nine. The caring husband says when she returns home "Oh, where did it get you?""Between the first and second hole," the wife replies."I'd say your stance is too wide then," the husband replies.
 
Phil2511 said:
A female golfer was stung by a wasp whilst on the front nine. The caring husband says when she returns home "Oh, where did it get you?""Between the first and second hole," the wife replies."I'd say your stance is too wide then," the husband replies.
Click to expand...

I like it :D
 
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain." [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" She told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnnoo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began to massage his groin. [/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]After a few moments she asked, "does that feel better?" The man looked up at her and replied, "yes, that feels pretty good ... but my thumb still hurts like hell!" [/FONT]
 
A man is sat in the hospital A&E when a man walks in with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped around his neck, as he sits down the first man asks 'what happened to you?'

The man with the golf club around his neck replies 'well the good lady wife and I went out for a round of golf this morning and it started off pretty well. We got to the third hole which runs alongside a farmers field with cows grazing in it. I tee off and hit one down the middle, then the lady wife tees off and hits it towards the farmers field, we didn't see it land but off we went to look for her ball.
We get to where we think the ball is and start looking, after a minute or so I see one of the cows looking a bit agitated so I walk towards the field and see that the wifes' golf ball lodged in the cows backside. I walk over to the cow, lift up its tail, point at the golf ball and shout over to the wife "this looks like yours". The next thing I remember is waking up in an ambulance outside this hospital...'
 
An American golfer is flying into Edinburgh airport for the first time.
As the plane banks he asks the guy sitting next to him, 'what's that stretch of water down there?'

'That's the Forth', says his fellow traveller.

Well, I heard these Scotch courses were tough but that carry is plumb crazy.
 
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.

The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.

Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.

The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"

The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."

The priest said, "And that's when you swore."

The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."

The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"

The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."

The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"

The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."

The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the ****ing putt!!!"[/FONT]​
 
Goodness there are some truly ancient golf jokes being dragged out now. Wasp one was Jethro @1986. The swearing one has just reached it's golden jubilee.

For those who missed this on the Rangers thread.

Sky Sports have apologised to their Scottish customers
Information given out that Rangers matches will be in 3D is false, they will in fact be in D3.
 
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Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.


A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find Irish sausages?"


The assistant replied, "Are you Irish?"







The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"



The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."



The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausages, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"



The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."

20120622052737!Rofl.gif



 
while shopping for a new replacement toy ball for our shih tzu pup , my wife asked the salesman, do you have balls with dimples , it took a few seconds of us two guys wetting ourselves laughing and her with a blank look ,before it dawned on her . that was 15years ago and shes still getting teased about it
 
What Cheese do you use to coax a bear down from a tree??? CAMEMBERT!!! (Come on bear).....

What did the mexican fire man call his sons??? JosA and JosB.....

What does a mexican call his cheese??? Nacho cheese (NACH YOUR)

I'll get my coat!!!
 
Heard some sad news today about Marti pellow from Wet Wet Wet, he's got Arthritis.

He feels it in his fingers, he feels it in his toes....
 
A policeman called his station for help complaining about "a big black bloke dancing on top of a car in the High Street".
"You can't use language like that over the air these days" came the reply.
"OK, Zulu.. Tango... Sierra"
 
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