A Tashyboy rant

[Tashyboy]

Been following a few threads on here over the years re dementia etc. Father in law is getting worse but won't admit to there being a problem. Sister in law went round to see in laws yesterday. She said she was upset to see her dad getting worse. It ended up in a blazing row with father in law walking off. Missis T rang his GP this morning to see if there is owt they can do. Bottom line no. He has to make an appointment. Missis T mentioned he has regular checks for medication, can the GP not check him then. No, he sees a care assistant. Can she not makes notes and recommendations. No, it has to be a GP.
Now don't get me wrong, I watched SPOTY last night and heard about Tyson talking about mental health issues, getting help,and all that. Yet Dementia, it just seems there are barriers in place when a vulnerable person who is not capable of making the right decisions has to make a decision. Bogged off proper bogged off.
Rant over

 

[Lord Tyrion]

Tashy, we went through the same process with my MiL. She has Alzheimers and it took around 18 months of persuasion to get her to the dr's and for the dr's to look beyond a lucky few answers. You are right, it is odd that nothing can happen without them taknig the first steps. How can they, they are no longer capable. We eventually got her diagnosed, FiL still doing his best to ignore it, and the 'system' is close to useless. You are on your own pretty much.

The good news is that there are some excellent groups around the place, Alzheimer's society, dementia help groups etc. You will need to look these up, via FB etc, and find out local things going on. They help but the big problem is still if the person with the illness refuses to accept that they have it. We are still in that situation so whilst my wife and I have been to events my MiL and FiL still will not.

The biggest thing you need through all of this is patience. Mountains and mountains of patience. Good luck, keep ranting. it relieves the tension.

 

[drdel]

Its very tricky when you decide you know more than the person themselves and wish to 'control' their lives and rights. My late wife was terminal but insisted she wished to live at home despite it being totally I practical. I do not envy you and your dilemma.

 

[Deleted member 16999]

Not easy mate, good luck.

 

[Deleted Member 1156]

My girlfriend's father has dementia, he is 83. Recently he was in hospital after a funny turn and had a scan which revealed he has prostate cancer and severe liver issues (probably also cancer). They sent him home, no follow up treatment planned. Game over. The only 'consolation' is that he doesn't understand what is going on, he thinks he is OK now.

 

[Doh]

Sometimes it's an inability for them to have the insight nessecary to recognise that they have a problem this again is because of the illness. I have seen cases where husbands and wife's have ended up hating their spouses because of this and the changes in their personalities.
The best advice I used to give to relatives (I used to manage a care home) was to remember that the changes both in behaviour and personality is due to the illness and to always keep this in mind.
It might help if the family can document the changes or incidents so you can present this as evidence to the medics and if nessecary to the person themselfs.
I also told people not to get arguments with them because they will never come around to your way of thinking but to placate them.
It's a horrible illness because it takes away the person you fell in love with or have learnt to love. As has been said there are some very good organisations out there you should take advantage of.

Good luck

Rick

 

[Doh]

Sorry forgot to add you should contact adult care social services everyone is entitled to an assessment.

 

[Hobbit]

Tough times Tashy, and feel free to rant away. We ranted for nearly 6 years, until MIL passed away.

Coincidently, I was at a local garage today behind a guy who wanted to book his car in. He was so obviously losing it that way, the conversation with the service guy was horrendously disjointed. When he came out of the garage he then got into the back of the car. Sat for a short while then got out and sat in the front and drove off. As luck would have it he turned up to the same beach bar we went in for a sausage butty and a coffee. His conversation there was about wanting a coffee with er urm um er white water, you know the water they get from cows. It was pitiful to watch.

 

[Robster59]

We have the same issue with my partners Father. Although I think he is aware and he had an assessment I think he still feels he is fine to do most things but he is now very reliant on us (he lives in a grandad flat at the back of the house).
When we both have to be away last week we had to ask my stepson to stay over which he was happy to do but I think we're at the stage where we have to call in external help otherwise we will get no respite.
They are worried he may have vascular dementia so he is has to have a CT Scan and an ECG to get more information. That and the fact that he also has to have a test for cataracts means 2019 is going to be an interesting year.
What can you do? It happens to us all and it is just a responsibility as part of family and life.

 

[SocketRocket]

There but for the grace of God go you and I.

 

[clubchamp98]

Both my parents had this and it’s not easy coping .
There is help but while one is making the wrong decisions and won’t let you help them you are powerless really.
My dad was really bad and wouldn’t get washed ,eat, drink .
He sat there waiting to die .
My brother and me had to physically pick him up and put him in the paramedics wheelchair because they would not force him into it.
“You need to look at a two year old and use the same logic “ that was the best advice I got, you wouldn’t have a stand up argument with a two year old .
Good luck

 

[Tashyboy]

Back from an afternoon of therapeutic shopping in Newark and calmed down a bit. Ironically the second shop I was in, was an Oxfam bookshop. Tried showing Missis T summat and she wouldn't listen. I said " you need to look at this book". She did, 2 mins later I had bought for her a NHS book on "guidelines and treating dementia". Won't wrap it for Christmas.
Anyway Missis T has read the posts and done a fair bit of nodding, she is gonna call round tomorrow after the Gym and have a natter with her parents. Watch this space.
Thanks for all the messages 😘

 

[bigslice]

Is it possibly that it has to be the person with dementia that makes the appoitment? If so can his wife or someone else become there power of attorney. My has been my dads for years. She makes the decisions concerning everyrhing.

 

[Lord Tyrion]

Is it possibly that it has to be the person with dementia that makes the appoitment? If so can his wife or someone else become there power of attorney. My has been my dads for years. She makes the decisions concerning everyrhing.

In the case of my MiL it was my FiL who rang and made the appointment. He was also allowed to go in with her for the appointment. Silly sod then didn't open his mouth, she bluffed the appt and the doctor was useless. 3 months later we had a repeat performance but my wife also went into the appt and everything came out. The spouse can make the appt with or without power of attorney but you need to get the person into the room still, not always easy.

Once diagnosed it becomes easier for spouses to get involved but until then it is tricky still due to privacy issues. Banks for example are very good now relating to dementia. Tell them if someone has it and they put a flag on the account to look out even more carefully for strange behaviour patterns or withdrawls of money.

Power of attorney is very important, great shout for bringing it up. Quite difficult to set up when someone is already diagnosed so best to do it whilst everyone still has all of their faculties. My mum set hers up 3-4 years ago and she is still sharp. It is about putting things into place.

 

[Hobbit]

In the case of my MiL it was my FiL who rang and made the appointment. He was also allowed to go in with her for the appointment. Silly sod then didn't open his mouth, she bluffed the appt and the doctor was useless. 3 months later we had a repeat performance but my wife also went into the appt and everything came out. The spouse can make the appt with or without power of attorney but you need to get the person into the room still, not always easy.

Once diagnosed it becomes easier for spouses to get involved but until then it is tricky still due to privacy issues. Banks for example are very good now relating to dementia. Tell them if someone has it and they put a flag on the account to look out even more carefully for strange behaviour patterns or withdrawls of money.

Power of attorney is very important, great shout for bringing it up. Quite difficult to set up when someone is already diagnosed so best to do it whilst everyone still has all of their faculties. My mum set hers up 3-4 years ago and she is still sharp. It is about putting things into place.

Absolutely go for Power of Attorney. There's two types. One is called Lasting PoA. Get a solicitor to talk you through it. Its not cheap to set up but it will make life lot easier. Without it you might find that in cases where decisions are being made a solicitor may be appointed as a 'patient advocate.' They will act in the patient's best interests but it might not be in accordance with the overall good of the family.

It was my mother-in-law's hospital consultant who recommended we go for Lasting PoA before MIL was too ill and infirm to sign off on it.

 

[clubchamp98]

POA is a great idea but when my mum was diagnosed my dad was still ok.
He became the main problem, wouldn’t accept any help from anybody.
Set up a soicial worker for some help , but everything she offered he said “NO”.
As next of kin what he said goes.
He never cooked in his life, didn’t know how the washing machine worked so my sister and I ended up doing it all while both working 3 shift jobs.
It was a nightmare.
There’s no easy answer I am afraid you just have to wing it everyday as you never know what’s going to happen.

 

[Tashyboy]

Missis T “ popped in” after she finished at the Gym. MIL stressed not to say owt. Eventually missis T did. FIL insisted nowt was wrong, and it is everyone else. Inc SIL. Missis T kept it calm whilst voices were being raised. Missis T said “‘in future you will be reminded at source when you forget or repeat things”.