A Joke For Friday

Four elderly gents are walking down a street in Manchester. They turn a
corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Pub - All drinks 20p."

They look at each other in disbelief and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old man behind the bar says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me get you one! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men order dry martinis. In no time at all the landlord serves up four martinis and says, "That'll be 20p each, please."

The four guys stare at him for a moment, then at each other. They can't
believe their good luck.

They pay the 80p, enjoy their martinis, then order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 80p, please."

They pay up, but their curiosity is getting the better of them. Finally one of them asks, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 20p a throw?"

"I'm a retired tailor," the landlord says, "and I always wanted to own a pub. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 20p - that's Wine, spirits, liqueurs, beer - they're all the same."

"Wow! That's what I call sharing your good fortune!" one of the men replies.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing several
other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them
and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the men at the far end of the bar, one of the men asks the barman, "With prices like yours, how come they're not drinking?"

The landlord says, "They're from Yorkshire. They're waiting for Happy Hour".
 
I've just started a special relationship with a blind woman, It's very rewarding, but challenging. IT TOOK ME AGES TO GET HER HUSBANDS VOICE JUST RIGHT.
 
Reminded me of this article I saw recently....

http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2013/11/1...dered-across-the-world-in-the-past-12-months/

Didn't find it funny.

Lenny Hendry et al appear to be right!

Political correctness will kill comedy!

While murder of anyone is abhorrent, there are (well used to be) more than that number, of murders every year in Washington FC!

And there's probably significantly more than that many deaths from (State sanctioned) starvation EVERY HOUR in many parts of Africa!

Perspective!

BTW. Tht made me laugh for several reasons! Thanks Gary.
 
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went .................... then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

PMT jokes aren't funny ........................... period.

I wondered why the golf ball was getting bigger .............................. then it hit me!

Slime.
 
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went .................... then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

PMT jokes aren't funny ........................... period.

I wondered why the golf ball was getting bigger .............................. then it hit me!

Slime.
:rofl:
 
Policeman stopped me in my car.
He said "Give me your name Sir"
I said "What am I going to use then"

He said " Where were you between '5' and '11"
I said "Junior School"

He said " you "W@@@@r" I said, "I wish your Father was one"

He said "You were going at a fair lick down that hill, what if there was Mister Fog' (West country )
I said " I would put Mister foot on Mister brake, Mister foot on Mister Clutch and put Mister gear into Mister Second"
He said "I'm booking you!"
I said "Why?"
He said "You started it. I only asked what you would do if there was Mist or FOG"
 
Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded the dough.

Velcro ............................ what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home ............................ details are sketchy.


Slime.
 
A policeman caught me in a public toilet last night with a bag of class 'A' drugs in my pocket!


"It's not my fault Officer", I said, "every time I flush them down the toilet, they re-appear back in my pocket".

"You don't expect me to believe that now, do you"? he smirked,

"Honest", I pleaded, "I'll prove it if you like".

"Yeah right", he said, "go on then, prove it", he said sarcastically, handing me the bag.

I dropped it down the loo and flushed it.

"Right", he said, "let's look in your pocket".

"What for"? says I.

"For the drugs", he says,



















"What drugs"??

Slime.
 
What do you call a one eyed Dinosaur? Doyathinkhesaurus.

Who's the coolest person in the Hospital? The Hip Surgeon!

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again

Do you ever get that when you're half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, 'I'm not as hungry as I thought I was'

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
 
Two blondes walked into a building, you would have thought at least one of them would have seen it. The late great Tommy Cooper.
 
A young man and a priest are playing golf together. At a short par 3 the priest asks, 'What are you going to use on this hole, my son?'

The young man says, 'An iron, father. How about you?'

The priest says, 'I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray.'

The young man hits his iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, 'I don't know about you, father, but in my church when we pray we keep our heads down.'
 
I was in the pub with my mate the other night when he started talking about 'I'm A Celebrity'

He said, "Could you ever eat an ostrich penis?"

"I tried eating one when I was drunk once," I replied, "But I couldn't do it."

"Because the taste was disgusting?" he asked.

I said, "No, because it kept kicking me in the head."
 
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Three boys were arrested today for sticking fireworks up a dog's backside - "Rectum" the police offer wrote down. "Well it didn;t do them a lot of good" one of the boys replied.
 
A neighbour thought he'd surprise the post lady one morning by going to the door naked and putting his willy through the letterbox.

I don't know what shocked her more, the surprise through the letter box or the fact he knew where she lived....
 
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