A Joke For Friday

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and..... OH, MY GOD !'

Silence followed!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

One Irish passenger yelled...

'For fECk's sake ........ you should seethe back of mine!!!
 
I was watching LPGA Golf today.

I have to say that the Women Golfers are not very good at Driving but are great with an Iron :)
 
Slime said:
A policeman caught me in a public toilet last night with a bag of class 'A' drugs in my pocket!


"It's not my fault Officer", I said, "every time I flush them down the toilet, they re-appear back in my pocket".

"You don't expect me to believe that now, do you"? he smirked,

"Honest", I pleaded, "I'll prove it if you like".

"Yeah right", he said, "go on then, prove it", he said sarcastically, handing me the bag.

I dropped it down the loo and flushed it.

"Right", he said, "let's look in your pocket".

"What for"? says I.

"For the drugs", he says,



















"What drugs"??

Slime.
Click to expand...
:) you kind of know its coming and its still funny - very Morecambe and Wise
 
A guy goes to Moscow on business. The first night he picks up a hooker in the Hotel Bar and takes her back to his room. Being a hooker, he's not expecting much but, as they're going at, it she starts moaning. So he ups the tempo and she starts squealing. He's really getting into it now, and gets a really good rythm going, and she starts screaming.

Afterwards, she's shattered. She drags herself to her feet, takes the money and says, "Mushka! Mushka!"

"She must have loved that and is telling me well done," the guys thinks.

Next day he meets his business contact, and they go off for a round of golf. The Russian tees off first. He hits a screamer right down the middle of the fairway, 300 yards, a perfect shot.

Keen to impress, the tourist wants to use the little Russian he knows, so he says, "Mushka! Mushka!"

The Russian looks at him and says, "What do you mean, wrong hole?"
 
My wife has said she's leaving me because I'm too conceited. I told her to close the door on her way back in.

She also hates it when I swap her chocolate bar wrappers around. She gets her snickers in a twix.
 
Men drinking at the bar looking sad , his mate ask him why he is so sad , he says my thai wife has got cancer , how long you been married to her , 10 years mate , what type of cancer has she got ...............................................








testicular cancer .............................................................................EYG
 
An Irishman was in a pub and saw two big girls by the bar.
Both had strange accents, so he said "Are you two girls from Scotland?"
One screamed "WALES, you frigging idiot!"
He immediately apologised and said,
"Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"
 
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.
"Hello?"
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we could have, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."
''Well, what am I supposed to do now? "
"We recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
 
The Haircut...

Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without

forgetting.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he

asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money

from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a

'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill

, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing

community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank

you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to

pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from

you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament

was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen

Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
 
Stevie Wonder just finished his concert and was in the dressing room when Tiger Woods came in to say how much he enjoyed his show , they got chatting and stevie wonder said to Tiger I play golf too you know , yeah man I play , whats your handicap then said Tiger

Stevie wonder .....Scratch , man scratch
TW ........but you are blind , how you know where you going
SW .........easy man , my caddie set me up and clubs me then goes down the fairway and shouts , over here stevie
TW .......then what
SW ........I hit the ball towards the voice till I am on the green
TW ......... then what
Sw .........He set me up and gets down by the hole and says over here stevie and I putt , easy
Tiger ....... you play lots then
SW ......... not much of late
TW ........why not ?
SW ....... I like to play for big money
TW ........ and ?
SW .........Nobody wants to play me
TW........... why ?
SW ............. coz I always win
TW ........ooh really
SW ........hey maybe you like to play me Tiger as you are the Best and world No 1
TW .......how much per hole
SW ..........20,000 per hole matchplay scratch
TW .........ok I have some of that
SW ..........Great
TW .........When you available and want to play :mmm::mmm: ?
SW ...... That's easy .....anytime at NIGHT !!!!!!! :D:D

:cool::cool::cool::cool::D
 
On my way to work this morning I passed a large roundabout, in the middle there was an asylum seeker eating grass. I pulled up and said "Why are you eating grass"? "I havn't eaten for three weeks meester" he answered. "C'mon mate get in the car " I said. "O meester thanks so much I'll go get my family" I replied " get stuffed my lawn isn't that large"
 
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