Monday joke.. The SCHITTSTERS FAMILY story

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c1973 said:
I always hated the first day back at school after the summer holidays.

All of the rich kids would have a suntan and a new school bag.

I would have a black eye and a new second name.

Courtesy of Sickipedia.org: http://www.sickipedia.org/search?q=Kevin Bridges#ixzz3HT56ywJi

And another


Advertising Glasgow to the tourists is difficult, being a city that was announced as the murder capital of the EU, on the same week as it was voted the 'UK's friendlist City'.

Looks like we got our act together pronto.... You might get the crap kicked out of you, but you'll get directions to the hospital.

Courtesy of Sickipedia.org: http://www.sickipedia.org/search?q=Kevin Bridges#ixzz3HT5jhNhF
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I think these were on Kevin Bridges show on the Beebs.. It sounded even more funny when he said it...
 
SocketRocket said:
Did you hear the one about the Fox and the Priest?

There was a very naughty Fox and the gamekeeper banned him from the forrest for a while. Well! he transformed himself into a Priest and came back to the forrest and thought no one would recognised him.

Keep tuned for further episodes.
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The Priest made sure the Gamekeeper wouldn't notice he was really the Fox by making his disguise very clever, his disguise was made so that you could not see his ginger hair which actually had more of a Kiwi colour about it.
 
QUOTE=SocketRocket;1168205]The Priest made sure the Gamekeeper wouldn't notice he was really the Fox by making his disguise very clever, his disguise was made so that you could not see his ginger hair which actually had more of a Kiwi colour about it.[/QUOTE]
Very good :thup:
 
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vkurup said:
this might be treading with the admins... but could not help sharing.


The SCHITTSTERS FAMILY

The lineage is now revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", but now you can handle this situation. Jack is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N.Schitt Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr.Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspapers announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride Pisa Schitt.
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That was a Schitt joke. Might have been remotely funny had the christian names been actual names instead of made up words, but then the schitt joke wouldn't work and it'd still be a schitt joke.
 
HomerJSimpson said:
I was going to post a similar one but feared it would push the boundaries too far so I found this funny trawling the web this morning

There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late.

On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round. Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round.

This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.

They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?

George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''

''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?''

George replies, ''Then I am 6 minutes late.''
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OK, can someone please explain? Am i being dumb?
 
For those who found it low brow...

WHY DO COUPLES FIGHT!!

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started....
*************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a weighing scale.
And then the fight started....
***************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So, I took her to a petrol pump
And then the fight started....
***************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and my wife kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked my wife, 'Do you know him?'
'Yes,' she sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend.
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said to my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started....
***************************

My wife is standing & looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to me,'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started....
***************************

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I've not been in a long time."
So I took her to the kitchen.
And then the fight started....
***************************

Dedicated to all married couples..
 
It will be interesting to see what happens when the Gamekeepers ban ends. Will the Fox return to being himself or will he stay as the Priest? Maybe he has a plan to roam the forest as both! Well! we know how cunning these Foxes can be, crafty little creatures
 
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SocketRocket said:
It will be interesting to see what happens when the Gamekeepers ban ends. Will the Fox return to being himself or will he stay as the Priest. Maybe he has a plan to roam the forest as both! Well! we know how cunning these Foxes can be, crafty little creatures
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And I finally get the joke :thup:
 
vkurup said:
For those who found it low brow...

WHY DO COUPLES FIGHT!!

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started....
*************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a weighing scale.
And then the fight started....
***************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So, I took her to a petrol pump
And then the fight started....
***************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and my wife kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked my wife, 'Do you know him?'
'Yes,' she sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend.
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said to my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started....
***************************

My wife is standing & looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to me,'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started....
***************************

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I've not been in a long time."
So I took her to the kitchen.
And then the fight started....
***************************

Dedicated to all married couples..
Click to expand...

even though its an oldie its a goodie:rofl:
 
SocketRocket said:
It will be interesting to see what happens when the Gamekeepers ban ends. Will the Fox return to being himself or will he stay as the Priest? Maybe he has a plan to roam the forest as both! Well! we know how cunning these Foxes can be, crafty little creatures
Click to expand...

So! the Gamekeeper decided the naughty Fox could come back to the forrest. Did Mr Reynard throw away the Priest's outfit, will we ever hear from his worshipful personage again? Well! maybe if the Fox breaks into a few henhouses again he will have another banishment and the priest outfit could come in handy, or, maybe he will live a Jekyll and Hyde existence morphing between the two. Tally Ho!
 
I can't think of any really funny jokes that won't offend some poor, delicate soul ...................... so I'll try this one.

My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me because i had been taking the mick out of her size.
So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.
I've got a bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd boxset of her favourite programme.
So, when she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink!


Slime.
 
Just back from holiday in Thailand and l came so close to having sex with a lady boy!!
It looked like a lady, it walked like a lady, it talked like a lady, it danced like a lady, it even kissed like a lady!
It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed the car into the garage first time l thought to myself ''hang on a bloody minute ...


Slime.
 
Slime said:
Just back from holiday in Thailand and l came so close to having sex with a lady boy!!
It looked like a lady, it walked like a lady, it talked like a lady, it danced like a lady, it even kissed like a lady!
It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed the car into the garage first time l thought to myself ''hang on a bloody minute ...


Slime.
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Yes. A guy in our Golf Club recently had a sex change Op. I asked him if it went well and he said yes, everything went fine, he explained his only side effect was that he couldn't reverse park into any spaces now.
 
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