Monday joke.. The SCHITTSTERS FAMILY story

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vkurup

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this might be treading with the admins... but could not help sharing.


The SCHITTSTERS FAMILY

The lineage is now revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", but now you can handle this situation. Jack is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N.Schitt Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr.Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspapers announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride Pisa Schitt.
 
There was a proper grown up swear word in this Months Golf World, no asterisks, sat there bold as brass it was. Of course I immediately threw the magazine away, washed my hands and wrote to my MP to complain. Won't somebody think of the children???;)
 
Hacker Khan said:
There was a proper grown up swear word in this Months Golf World, no asterisks, sat there bold as brass it was. Of course I immediately threw the magazine away, washed my hands and wrote to my MP to complain. Won't somebody think of the children???;)
Click to expand...

wrong mag eh??? :)...
 
vkurup said:
wrong mag eh??? :)...
Click to expand...

Well I was sure it wouldn't be in Golf Monthly as no one swears in the magazine or on the forum. Well apart from you potty mouth....

And there genuinely was a swear word in Golf World this month. And I'd of classed it as a mid range swear word at that. What's the world coming to I thought. Mind you they swear like dockers in The Times, and as I read that I've become a bit anesthetized.
 
I was going to post a similar one but feared it would push the boundaries too far so I found this funny trawling the web this morning

There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late.

On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round. Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round.

This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.

They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?

George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''

''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?''

George replies, ''Then I am 6 minutes late.''
 
My misses said to me the other day
"I bet you cant go a whole day without mentioning my period"
I said "youre on".

I went to the doctors the other day about my stiff shoulder as I was unable to move it properly.
I said I wanted some physio.
He asked me how flexible I was.
I said I cant do Wednesday or Thursday
 
Doon frae Troon said:
Cafe sign

Free organism with every full English breakfast.


In very small print underneath 'organism on a self service basis only'
Click to expand...

i went in a Pub and there was a board that said : Scotch Eggs £3. Hand relief £10.

I said to the girl behind the bar 'Are the the one that does the hand relief' ?

She said 'Yes'

I said' Wash your hands and give us a Scotch Egg!
 
Did you hear the one about the Fox and the Priest?

There was a very naughty Fox and the gamekeeper banned him from the forrest for a while. Well! he transformed himself into a Priest and came back to the forrest and thought no one would recognised him.

Keep tuned for further episodes.
 
I always hated the first day back at school after the summer holidays.

All of the rich kids would have a suntan and a new school bag.

I would have a black eye and a new second name.

Courtesy of Sickipedia.org: http://www.sickipedia.org/search?q=Kevin Bridges#ixzz3HT56ywJi

And another


Advertising Glasgow to the tourists is difficult, being a city that was announced as the murder capital of the EU, on the same week as it was voted the 'UK's friendlist City'.

Looks like we got our act together pronto.... You might get the crap kicked out of you, but you'll get directions to the hospital.

Courtesy of Sickipedia.org: http://www.sickipedia.org/search?q=Kevin Bridges#ixzz3HT5jhNhF
 
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