Jokes

[TonyN]

Ok guys, just a compilation for you too read should you get board in work. Everyone add one, lets try get a library full of jokes.

Heres my first.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"

 

[grumpyjock]

Subject: A little Glasgow Humour..!!

A small zoo in Glasgow acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a
few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was
in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Wullie Broon, a
local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Wullie, like some Glasgow folk, had little sense but possessed ample
ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they
might have a solution. Wullie was approached with a proposition. Would he be
willing to mate with the gorilla for £500 ? Wullie showed some interest, but
said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only
under four conditions:

1. "First", Wullie said, "Ah'm no gonnae kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Second", he said, "Ye cannae never tell naebody aboot this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third", Wullie said, "I want all the weans raised as Rangers fans." Once again it was agreed.

4. "And last of all", Wullie stated, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the £500"

 

[Dave3498]

Later, after the true situation was explained to Wullie, he agreed to go through with it, but he insisted that she had a bucket over her head all the time. The keeper agreed, and during the act, was standing by, when Wullie became very exited nearing the final stage until he yelled at the Keeper, "Take the bucket off her heed, I want to kiss her."

 

[teetime72]

Love it Dave

 

[grumpyjock]

Like it it can only be jock(how I hate that nickname)that can laugh at something like this