Joke

[Gustavo]

oldie but goody


A man staggers into hospital with a black eye, a broken nose , severe concussion and a 5 iron golf club wrapped tightly around his throat.

' What happened to you ' asks a doctor.

' Well says the man, I was playing a round of golf with the wife when we both struck our balls into a field of cows.

We went to look for them and I found one stuck in a cows f*nny.

I said to the wife this looks like yours and I can't remember anything after that '.

 

[vig]

A man boards a plane with a black eye and notices another man with a shiner.
1st man "how did you get that"
2nd man instead of asking the big breasted girl at the ticket desk for 2 tickets to Pittsburgh, I asked for 2 pickets to tits berg.
1st man "i got mine something like that too. I wanted to ask the wife to pour me a bowl of frosties but instead said, you've ruined my like you big fat ugly cow"

 

[KeefG]

A man boards a plane with a black eye and notices another man with a shiner.
1st man "how did you get that"
2nd man instead of asking the big breasted girl at the ticket desk for 2 tickets to Pittsburgh, I asked for 2 pickets to tits berg.
1st man "i got mine something like that too. I wanted to ask the wife to pour me a bowl of frosties but instead said, you've ruined my like you big fat ugly cow"

Sorry gustavo...yours was funny but vig, that is priceless!!!

 

[vig]

Man comes home early and finds his mate "doin" his wife so he stabs him to death. His missus says carry on like that and you won't have any mates left

 

[vig]

Gypsy takes his wife to the hospital with a broken nose, busted lip, teeth missing & two black eyes.
Doc examines her and asked what happened.
Gypsy man said "going through the change"
Doc said "that does happen with the change"
Gypsy man said " does when it's still in my pockets"

 

[KeefG]

Gypsy takes his wife to the hospital with a broken nose, busted lip, teeth missing & two black eyes.
Doc examines her and asked what happened.
Gypsy man said "going through the change"
Doc said "that does happen with the change"
Gypsy man said " does when it's still in my pockets"

 

[medwayjon]

Apologise in advance if this is too-blue and will delete if required.

A hippy gets on a bus and sits next to a nun, he says "excuse me, could I have sex with you?"

Shocked the nun replies "Indeed not, I am married to god"

As he leaves the bus the bus-driver turns to the hippy and says "if you want a bit of her, go to the cemetary at midnight, she will be there but to have your way, you will have to dress as god."

Anyhow, that night the hippy goes to the cemetary and there she is, he says to the nun "how about a bit then" to which the nun replies "yes please, but only via the tradesmans as I wish to protect my virginity"

The hippy and the nun do the deed and afterwards the hippy shouts "ha ha, I'm the hippy from the bus" to which the nun replies "ha ha ha, well I'm the bus-driver!"

 

[medwayjon]

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing' ."

After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.

Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole bloody thing.

 

[vig]

Apologise in advance if this is too-blue and will delete if required.

A hippy gets on a bus and sits next to a nun, he says "excuse me, could I have sex with you?"

Shocked the nun replies "Indeed not, I am married to god"

As he leaves the bus the bus-driver turns to the hippy and says "if you want a bit of her, go to the cemetary at midnight, she will be there but to have your way, you will have to dress as god."

Anyhow, that night the hippy goes to the cemetary and there she is, he says to the nun "how about a bit then" to which the nun replies "yes please, but only via the tradesmans as I wish to protect my virginity"

The hippy and the nun do the deed and afterwards the hippy shouts "ha ha, I'm the hippy from the bus" to which the nun replies "ha ha ha, well I'm the bus-driver!"

Wierd, I was going to post this one.

I have over 100 on the moby but around 90 are too hot for the site, sadly
I'll have a browse through and see if I can clean any up.

 

[KeefG]

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the ass and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! it's a great morning for sex or golf ' and she said, "Take a sweater..."

 

[RGDave]

A man boards a plane with a black eye and notices another man with a shiner.
1st man "how did you get that"
2nd man instead of asking the big breasted girl at the ticket desk for 2 tickets to Pittsburgh, I asked for 2 pickets to tits berg.
1st man "i got mine something like that too. I wanted to ask the wife to pour me a bowl of frosties but instead said, you've ruined my like you big fat ugly cow"

LOL

That is such a Reggie Perrin.......

 

[smange]

Paddy, Mick and Seamus walk to a picnic area 20 miles from home. It takes them all day to get there, when they arrive they find they've forgotten the bottle opener! Paddy and Mick ask Seamus to fetch it but he says "no way, by the time I get back you'll have eaten all the sandwiches". Paddy and Mick promise not to eat them so Seamus agrees to go. 10 hours pass, no Seamus, 15 hours pass, still no Seamus, 20 hours pass and Seamus still not back, Paddy and Mick are starving but keep their promise not to eat the sandwiches, 25 hours pass and Paddy says "feck it! we're gonna starve if we dont eat". As they start to eat the sandwiches, Seamus jumps from behind a bush and shouts "I feckin knew it, you lousy gits! Im not going now"

 

[Gustavo]

Vig - The gypsy joke and the 'no more mates' joke have had me chuckling for about an hour now, well played fella.

 

[TonyN]

Having a bit of trouble in the bedroom with the mrs lately, just cant keep her satisfied. Went to my oldest Pal for some advice and he said this.

Put it in nice and slow, then pull it out fast, Put in in nice and slow, then pull it out fast.

So, next time we got down to it, I felt rather confident and thought, yeah, she gonna love it. I did what he said, put it in nice and slow and pulled it out fast, put it in nice and slow and pulled it out fast. When we finished she seemed like she had really enjoyed it so I felt really good about myself.

I turned to her and said, notice anything different love, Yeah she replied, you do it just like Lee!

 

[Doh]

Boo Weekley was found crying in the mens room at Augusta,Monty asked him why are you so upset Boo replied My wife has just told me she is divorcing me. Dont worry said Monty she will still be your sister?

 

[mono217]

All of them are absolutley quality.

 

[teetime72]

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a desert island for over
10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's
certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he
began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft..
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure.
Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a
drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the
stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since
you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over
and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit,
and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it,
and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorra,"said the man, "that is so
good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish
whiskey" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway re plied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the
blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and
removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a
long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "Tis truly
fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long
front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the
trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played
around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed;,

"Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"

 

[CarpeDiem]

Just got sent this by email:

A little girl's prayer:

Dear God
This year, please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer ...
Amen

 

[Imurg]

3 guys playing golf.
Halfway down the 2nd fairway one of the sticks his finger in his ear and starts talking away. When questioning glances are thrust in his general direction he finishes what he his doing and shows his mates his new "in-finger" telephone. Wows alround and they continue their game.
At the 8th tee the 2nd guy pulls out a huge pair of Elton John shades and starts reading aloud. When he's finished he shows his mates his new e-mail specs. More oohs and aahs and they carry on.
Come the 15th fairway and the 3 rd guy has dissappeared into the bushes. The other 2 call out for him and hear grunting noises coming from the undergrowth. They go in and find their mate crouching down with his pants around his ankles, straining away. He looks up at them and says
" Don't worry. Just got a fax coming through".

 

[Deleted member 1740]

Paddy the farmer calls the vet to have a look at his sick cattle, after a while the vet comes back to paddy and says " Paddy i'm sorry to tell you but your cattle have got blue tongue" paddy replies " i didn't even know they had mobiles".