Joke

[vig]

Bloke driving down the motorway when he gets pulled over by plod using a speed gun.
Plod asks for name address etc.. then asks what the bloke does.
"i'm a rectal stretcher" he replies.
Rectal stretcher says plod, what does that entail.
"putting my hand up folks butts and stretching their rectum" replies the bloke.
My god, asks plod, what's the widest you've ever stretched one to.
"6 foot" replies the bloke
Plod says, 6 foot!, what would you do with a 6 foot A***hole
Bloke replies, "put him in a squad car with a speed gun"!!

 

[Smiffy]

I've just purchased a 1/8th share in a racehorse called "My Face".
First run was at Fontwell last week-end. It didn't win anything but it was really good to be standing by the finishing post hearing all these women shouting "Come on my face, come on my face!!"

 

[teetime72]

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya waves a fekkin' towel!'











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[Putting_Green_Pro]

haha i hope the towel was soft cotton haha

 

[theeaglehunter]

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya waves a fekkin' towel!'

LMAO, that actually cracked me up. Nice one! I hadn't heard it before either which always helps the hilarity

 

[CrapHacker]

Plus 1 from over here as well.

Brilliant !

 

[teetime72]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years
The only friction in their marriage was the husbands habit of breaking wind loudly every morning when he awoke.The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop because it was making her sick..He told her he couldn`t it was perfectly natural.She told him to see a doctor,as she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out

one morning she was preparing the turkey and he was sound asleep upstairs,she looked at the innards,gizzard,liver etc.and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl upstairs,he was sound asleep,she pulled back the waistband of his shorts,and emptied the bowl into them.

Some time later she heard the usual farting which was followed by a blood curdling scream,and a dash to the bathroom.

About twenty minutes later he came downstairs in his bloodstained shorts.

He said"Honey you were right,All these years you have warned me and I didn`t listen to you.You always told me I would end up farting my guts out,and today it finally happend.

But by the grace of God,some vaseline and two fingers.I think I got most of them back.

 

[vig]

Bilbo Baggind died in bed last night after an overdose of viagra.
I guess old hobbits die hard

 

[vig]

So, Michael jackson has skin cancer.

All together now ........




...............




...............



Don't blame it on the sunshine.... don't blame it ....

 

[vig]

Lonely hearts ad's. What they really mean.

Adventurous = slut
Athletic = flat chested
30 something = 40+
Fun = Annoying
Wild = gets p*****d easily
Beautiful eyes = face like a robbers dog
Seeks knight in shining armour= ex husband a nutter
new age = Hairy with a smelly mu**
Headstrong = argumentative
Enjoys pubbing & clubbing = Alcoholic
Curvy = fat bitch
Cuddly = fat bitch
Likes eating out = greedy fat bitch
Likes nights in = Lazy fat bitch


Mods, I have cleaned it up somewhat but feel free to clean up more if you feel it necessary

 

[vig]

Need cheering up?

Watch your wedding video backwards. You'll love the bit where she takes the ring off, walks back down the aisle, gets in the car and fecks off forever

 

[vig]

Chant from the Alzeimers protestors

What do we want?

Feck knows!

When do we want it?

Want what?

 

[teetime72]

Chant from the Alzeimers protestors

What do we want?

Feck knows!

When do we want it?

Want what?

This one`s got me quite worried.