Favourite golf jokes

[SGC001]

Anyone have any? i always liked the one that went like this

Sam and Jim had played together every Sunday for the last 40 years and today was no exception. They had just reached the the 11th green which bordered a small road leading to a cemetary. Jim had marked his ball and Sam was about to putt when a hearse came past. Sam stopped and doffed his cap as the hearse and following cars went by and turned into the road leading to the cemetry. Jim was touched by this act and did the same, and afterwards commented to Sam that he thought it was nice to see such respect and manners on the course. Jim replied, yes well we had been married for 50 years and then putted out.

 

[papyt]

the club pro is giving a lady member her 200th lesson and she still is topping the ball from the tee "your still not gripping the club correctly" he tells the lady 2 i cant remember how too" she replies in frustration the pro tells her to "hold it like you would your husbands todger" with that she screams a 300yd drive down the middle now said the pro " take the club out of your mouth and i will show you how to put".

 

[Imurg]

Bob, Rob and James were playing Golf.
On the 3rd hole Bob and Rob could hear a faint ring - like a phone.
James puts watch to his ear and takes the call...explaining afterwards that his phone is so small it fits in his watch.
Duly impressed they continue.
On the 6th another faint tone is heard. This time Bob puts his finger in his ear explaining that he can access e-mails via an implant in his finger..
Extremely impressed they continue..

On the 12th Rob disappears into the woods.
Assuming he needs a jimmy the others wait a while.
5 minutes later there's no sign of Rob so they go to investigate.
As they get closer, they hear a loud noise and see Rob with his trousers round his ankles, squatting down amidst the foliage.

"Don't worry Guys" says Rob " just got a fax coming through".....

 

[drawboy]

Mine is this:
Albert and Jimmy had lived through the war, pals still 60 years later they played together every Sunday morning without fail. They would tee off at 6.45 am and were always home for lunch.
One day Albert was home at 3.00pm well late for lunch. This was so out of character that his wife asked him why he was late. Albert with tears in his eyes told his missus the sad news. Jimmy had died on the second hole, a heart attack." Ooo, Albert darling, that is so sad, have you been in the hospital until now?" asked his wife. "No love" said Bert, it was play a shot drag Jimmy,play a shot drag Jimmy

 

[papyt]

a woman is killed on the course by her husband "what happened" asked the police " i was driving off and she walked in front on me and i hit her on the head with the ball" replied the husband "but we have found another ball rammed up her back passage" with a questioning tone replied the policeman "ahh yes "replied the husband "that's my provisional!"

 

[SGC001]

As it was a busy day Mike and John were joined up on the 1st tee by the pro. They decided they'd make the best of it and have a match. On the 1st Mike hit a good drive whilst John had hit his into the trees and had to chip out. They both then missed the gren and took a 3 further strokes to hole out. John asked Mike how many and he said 5. Mike and asked John and he said 4. Mike raised an aeyebrow at this.

On the second hole a par 3. Both hit the green, but Mike 3 putted. John then asked Mike how many and he replied Nay laddie it's my turn to ask first.

 

[JustOne]

Favourite golf joke?


Probably Smiffy :thup:

 

[SGC001]

Ray was getting on, but could still hit a decent ball and he needed a new partner; however his eyes were failing him, so he went to talk to the club secretary to ask if any there were any other golfers of a similar age who he could play with, but coudl spot the ball for him. The secreary said no problem Steve's old partner has also just packed up and Steve is looking for a new partner and has eyes like a hawk. Ray was very happy.
On the 1st tee Ray smoked his drive off the tee but it went a little off line and towards the bushes, he turned to Steve and said did you see it. Oh yes certainly replies Steve, but I can't remember where it went.

Not really a joke, but it made me chuckle. A pair of elderly golfers were playing ahead of me a few years ago, One guy was 83 or so and the other in his 70's. They used to play 6 holes, 9 if feeling frisky every weekday. They asked me if I wanted to play through on the 4th and I said no I'm only playing 6 but I'll join you if you like. So we joined up. Nice enough fellas, the 83 year was always fairly reserved and economical with his words; but he made me smile on the 5th. His partner teed off and topped it into the ravine and cried out head up. His partner turned to me and said he's the best golfer I've played with you know, he's only got 1 fault 'head up'. Sure enough any bad shot was met with the cry of 'head up'. Nice dry sense of humour, shame he passed away a couple of eyars ago.

 

[Pants]

Doris finished her lesson and said to the Pro that she was going to play a few holes to ingrain in what she had just learned. 15 minutes later she returned to the Pro shop and he could see that she was walking very awkwardly.

"Didn't expect to see you back so soon" he said. "I decided to come in after I was stung by a bee between the first and second holes" she replied.

"Ah, yes. I keep telling you that your stance is too wide" ............

 

[sydney greenstreet]

Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says, "Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me."
His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we
have now is far more valuable. I forgive you."
They embraced and kissed, and everything was fine until they got to the seventeenth tee.

As the husband was starting his back swing his wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me your news. Since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also: 32 years ago I had a sex change operation. I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me."
The husband froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers.
He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul...and all these years you've been playing off the ladies tees!"

 

[sweeneytoddd]

Wife’s Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
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Husband's Diary:

A four putt; who the bloody hell four putts ?