Divorce advice.

[Tashyboy]

No not me, me and Missis T are solid.

Its for my daughter, things have not been right for the best part of a year and they have decided to go there seperate ways. It has only come out officially over the last week or so but as a dad, I kinda knew months ago. Which I had mentioned to Missis T that things were not right.
Anyway, bottom line is that she wants to stay in the house and take over sole responsibility of the mortgage. Main reasons the kids are settled,close to school family etc. He is ok with that, but wants half of any profit between value of house and mortgage. There both ok with that.
But she does not have a clue where to start. I have pointed her in the direction of a solicitors, but what do you ask? Where do you start?
What about the bank re changing the mortgage? He has been divorced before so has been through it all before.
If a solicitor is the first port of call what general questions would you ask.
Son in laws parents were over for the weekend and it got a bit personal, ave told her to keep away from all that and focus on the two kids, bank, solicitor, work etc.
But at the moment her and the kids lives have gone a bit belly up.
Any advice greatly appreciated. 👍

 

[PhilTheFragger]

Sorry to hear that Tash

One problem they may have is that the mortgage company may be reluctant for your daughter to take over the mortgage on her own. Presume it was a joint house in joint names with both incomes taken into account.

Unless her income is sufficient for her to do it solo, then this is a big problem to a settlement.

Solicitor is first port of call, but get an idea of how much they charge as in these events, its only the lawyers who win
could also try citizens advice, but they seem to be debt specialists these days

 

[Hacker Khan]

Sorry to hear as its always the kids that suffer. But to be honest I'd keep quiet as I'm not sure that, unless we have any guidance councilors on here, advise that her dad has got from a golf forum that has no idea of the actual circumstances will help matters in such a sensitive emotionally charged atmosphere. No matter how well intentioned the golf forum advice is.

 

[Lord Tyrion]

Wife's sister is going through this now. She went to see a specialist divorce solicitor and he was dynamite. His comment was the best thing that can happen is that her husband also gets a specialist. That way it gets resolved in minutes as they both know the reality of what each should get. Get general solicitors involved and it could drag on and cost thousands.

I know two others going through the same and the reality is attempts to solve it amicably have not really worked. Nothing nasty but with houses and money at stake you need professional help.

My advice based on looking in on three splits currently happening is find a specialist, be totally honest and then let them do their job. Their hourly rate may be scary but they will wrap it up quicker and so cost less long term.

 

[Slime]

Sorry to hear this Tashy.
Only advice I can give is to make sure your daughter and her fella keep things amicable otherwise it can go horribly wrong and the solicitors become the only winners.
Amicable and simple is the key.

 

[SocketRocket]

Sorry to hear as its always the kids that suffer. But to be honest I'd keep quiet as I'm not sure that, unless we have any guidance councilors on here, advise that her dad has got from a golf forum that has no idea of the actual circumstances will help matters in such a sensitive emotionally charged atmosphere. No matter how well intentioned the golf forum advice is.

The technicalities of a divorce are not the emotionally charged part. There has been some good advice here already on the mortgage and contacting a solicitor. The sensitive part is what happens with the children.

Tashy. Someone mentioned about whether the Mortgage supplier would be prepared to transfer the Mortgage to your Daughter and maybe extend it to cover the sharing of equity. My son had a problem with this so maybe a meeting with the Bank/Building Society would be a good start.

 

[Doon frae Troon]

My daughter split with her fella after about 10 years together. No children.
They had recently bought a large house having previously sold very well.
No solicitor involved I sorted it out with his father and the lad got the house and my daughter got a decent sum of equity.

A few months later the financial crisis happened and he got lumbered with a house worth about £80k less than a few months ago.

 

[SocketRocket]

My daughter split with her fella after about 10 years together. No children.
They had recently bought a large house having previously sold very well.
No solicitor involved I sorted it out with his father and the lad got the house and my daughter got a decent sum of equity.

A few months later the financial crisis happened and he got lumbered with a house worth about £80k less than a few months ago.

Was it only in your village where house prices have fallen.

 

[williamalex1]

Sorry to hear this Tashy.
Only advice I can give is to make sure your daughter and her fella keep things amicable otherwise it can go horribly wrong and the solicitors become the only winners.
Amicable and simple is the key.

This is the best way to go , believe me , best of luck

 

[Tashyboy]

The technicalities of a divorce are not the emotionally charged part. There has been some good advice here already on the mortgage and contacting a solicitor. The sensitive part is what happens with the children.

Tashy. Someone mentioned about whether the Mortgage supplier would be prepared to transfer the Mortgage to your Daughter and maybe extend it to cover the sharing of equity. My son had a problem with this so maybe a meeting with the Bank/Building Society would be a good start.

To to all thanks for the advice so far, Missis T asked what I wrote coz she reckons I sometimes talk Rammel charming. She is chuffed with the responses so a big up bless ya, luv ya, squeeze ya.
Fortunately the solicitors I have pointed her towards have specialist divorce people so hopefully that is one step in the right painful direction.
At the moment there is a lot of ifs buts and coulds. The mortgage runs for another 17 yr. She is 30 yrs old and hoping they will extend it to 20-25-30 yrs. but the profit differance, if she cannot get that I have said I will give it her. If that's the case then me Motorhome is now a distant dream but hey ho.

once again cheers.

 

[GB72]

The only bit I can talk knowledgeably about is the property side. Call the mortgage company. They will treat it almost like a new application and credit score for affordability. If they say no, the options are limited. Agreement can be reached where she stays in the property and is responsible for the mortgage and there is a division of equity on the sale but that will need professional drafting if for no other reason than the fact that the equity will increase the more your daughter pays off on the mortgage.

As many have said, if it can all be agreed amicably and be done by way of a consent order it will keep the costs down.

 

[HomerJSimpson]

Sorry to hear this Tash. While it sounds amicable, let the solicitor advise your daughter. Hard as it is to sit on the side and I know you only want the best for her but let her get expert advise and go from there

 

[Beezerk]

Biggest advice I could give, you already have in bucket loads mate, bite yer lip and keep it as amicable as possible, for the kids sake.
If they've agreed on the finances and custody/visiting it's most of the battle, let the solicitors sort out the rest, that's what they get paid a fortune for.

 

[Mark_Aged_42]

Having been there and done that - the next time I'm just going to hire a hit man! Saves an awful lot of money.

 

[MattM]

Having been there and done that - the next time I'm just going to hire a hit man! Saves an awful lot of money.

Is that for your ex or her solicitor, or both?


Divorce Solicitors can advise anything from doing it amicably to going for the maximum financial benefit regardless of the consequences - but in the end they do have to do what the client tells them.

I got my decree absolute in March after 2 yrs battle. Things looked relatively amicable until her 'specialist divorce lawyer' convinced her that she was entitled to way more than we had discussed in mediation.

Obviously how things are divided all depends on amount of equity, other marital assets, who earns what, who looks after kids etc so no simple answer. In general though, I think whoever is main/resident carer (your daughter) for the kids would get a greater share of the split (I was told it would start at around 60/40 and negotiate from there).

In my case her solicitors advice made things take longer and cost more and was way worse for the kids than was necessary due to the tension and confrontation! My ex is financially better off though so she may think it was worth it.

Your daughter is in the driving seat, if both parties agree that she stays in the family home with the kids (my kids wanted to, so was fine with me), the finances need to fall in to place so that she can afford that. If that doesn't give her ex a 50% cut that's just the way it is, fair doesn't always mean equal! (although being unfair and pushing him in to financial hardship won't make it an amicable divorce!)

Regarding access to kids, again from my experience my ex was advised to give me as little time as possible (for more maintenance). My kids soon objected to that and my time with them has slowly increased back to what I originally asked for in mediation. It was totally unnecessary to go through that pain (mine and the kids) if she had just been advised to be reasonable and fair (again, fair doesn't necessarily mean equal)

So, my advice, pick her solicitor carefully, be clear on the way she wants to approach the divorce, hope her ex picks his carefully, know what your daughter needs to provide a home for the kids, be fair.

From your perspective, my FiL has been great, hasn't taken sides, stayed out of all of the nonsense, maintained a relationship with me etc, which has made things much easier for the kids. If your ex SiL is open to keeping that relationship with you I'd recommend it.

Good luck, it can be a rough ride

 

[Doon frae Troon]

Was it only in your village where house prices have fallen.

No, historically prices in Scotland seem to remain pretty level, they don't jump about like the do in the South of England [which was where my daughter lived at the time.]
She brought a nice chunk of English equity to Scotland and bought well above her expectations.

That's divorce for you, it usually ends up with winners and losers. Fortunately for her it was quick and easy with no lawyers involved.

 

[Lord Tyrion]

Quality reply from MattM. Again, looking from the outside at divorces that are currently happening to people I know, the need to maintain civility is huge. In your case Tashy, kids / grandkids are involved and so you need to maintain good links with the other g/parents, son in law etc. Scoring points now helps no one, no matter how hard it gets and no matter how much you want to say something. Keep a squash ball in your pocket and squeeze it when stressed!

An example of a divorce gone wrong. Usual thing of one cheating party, split ends badly. Solicitors going back and forth costing an unnecessary fortune as the parties played silly beggars. When it came to the splitting of assets one party, who had bought a flat, requested the lawn mower. He had no garden, she had a large garden. It was purely about spite. 3 kids involved. Horrible. Don't let it get to that point as no one wins.

 

[Tashyboy]

Is that for your ex or her solicitor, or both?


Divorce Solicitors can advise anything from doing it amicably to going for the maximum financial benefit regardless of the consequences - but in the end they do have to do what the client tells them.

I got my decree absolute in March after 2 yrs battle. Things looked relatively amicable until her 'specialist divorce lawyer' convinced her that she was entitled to way more than we had discussed in mediation.

Obviously how things are divided all depends on amount of equity, other marital assets, who earns what, who looks after kids etc so no simple answer. In general though, I think whoever is main/resident carer (your daughter) for the kids would get a greater share of the split (I was told it would start at around 60/40 and negotiate from there).

In my case her solicitors advice made things take longer and cost more and was way worse for the kids than was necessary due to the tension and confrontation! My ex is financially better off though so she may think it was worth it.

Your daughter is in the driving seat, if both parties agree that she stays in the family home with the kids (my kids wanted to, so was fine with me), the finances need to fall in to place so that she can afford that. If that doesn't give her ex a 50% cut that's just the way it is, fair doesn't always mean equal! (although being unfair and pushing him in to financial hardship won't make it an amicable divorce!)

Regarding access to kids, again from my experience my ex was advised to give me as little time as possible (for more maintenance). My kids soon objected to that and my time with them has slowly increased back to what I originally asked for in mediation. It was totally unnecessary to go through that pain (mine and the kids) if she had just been advised to be reasonable and fair (again, fair doesn't necessarily mean equal)

So, my advice, pick her solicitor carefully, be clear on the way she wants to approach the divorce, hope her ex picks his carefully, know what your daughter needs to provide a home for the kids, be fair.

From your perspective, my FiL has been great, hasn't taken sides, stayed out of all of the nonsense, maintained a relationship with me etc, which has made things much easier for the kids. If your ex SiL is open to keeping that relationship with you I'd recommend it.

Good luck, it can be a rough ride

As LT has already written, quality response Matt and many thanks. As the door to divorce has been opened theres a hell of a lot of rubbish coming through it now. SiL has been on the beer constant since it came out Saturday and not been the best of people to be around
Daughter has been in touch with specialist solicitor and we are both going next Thursday.
The penny has dropped with SiL re splitting up and he sent txt to daughter last night ( they are still living together) that he wants to give it another go, one reason being he cannot afford to get divorced again. He has done the sums. His finances have been a mess since before they got married, and it got heated a few months ago coz he wanted daughter to get a loan for a car, but a bit more to help pay off his some of his debts. He/they remortgaged the house 18 months ago and borrowed another lump sum to help pay off his debts. She would not get a car loan as she wanted to know why he still has debt
One thing you have said Matt is that fair does not mean equal. I have a feeling that may be a well used saying over the coming year or so. She does not want to have his pants down when it comes to financially, but I think she is now thinking about being left in the house which she wants to do for the stability of the kids, but the enormous burden of the mortgage, bills etc is finally dawning on her. Where as SiL hopes he will be walking away with lump sum from value of house and can set up where he wants.
At the moment things are ok ish, but when you/I know people, I can see it getting nasty.
Hopefully things will be a lot clearer next Thurday where daughter and grandkids stand.
Finally gutted for all the crap you had to go through on your divorce, many thanks for sharing your pain and I owe you a shandy when I see you.

 

[MattM]

Hi
Glad you found my post useful, hopefully your family's experience will be better.

Only your daughter will know if there is any hope in trying again. I've been there, done that too, which is a whole different story I won't bore you with.

Will happily take the shandy at some point tho ;-)

Cheers

 

[Tashyboy]

Hi
Glad you found my post useful, hopefully your family's experience will be better.

Only your daughter will know if there is any hope in trying again. I've been there, done that too, which is a whole different story I won't bore you with.

Will happily take the shandy at some point tho ;-)

Cheers

Heyup Matt, just noticed your from my/our neck of the woods if you fancy a knock at Norwood Park gimme a shout. There has been developments over the last few days but I don't want to turn this blog into a whinging blog. Re trying again, cannot see that happening on any way shape or form. As you say don't wanna bore you or others.

PS norwood do nice shandys 😁