a few quick jokes

[drawboy]

I went into the local chippy yesterday and asked for a special, It wont be long, said the fryer, I replied It better be bloody fat then!

I went to the local chippy and said.. Fish and chips twice, the fryer replied, I heard you the first time.
I was in the doctors, next to me was a woman with all of her feet bandaged up. How did you do that I asked, I was cooking a Heinz sponge pudding for my hubby she answered. How the heck do you get like that cooking a sponge pudding? I enquired. I followed the instructions which said pierce lid of tin then stand in boiling water for ten minutes.

I can hear the tumbleweed from here already.

 

[CannyFifer]

Liked the fish supper one

Asked the local butcher if he had a pigs head
"Yes" he replied
"I'll have a pound of mince then Porky", I said

 

[SimonS]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims,
"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ...
"In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request '
The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",
"But I will still kill you in two days." "What is your SECOND request "
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"
"But I will still kill you tomorrow." "What is your LAST request "
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
Looks him square in the eye and says, Listen Very Carefully !!!!
FOR... THE... LAST... TIME... I SAID ...
"BRING POSSE"



An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered -
'Is that one word or two?'

 

[drawboy]

A perv bursts through the doors of a care home for the elderly wearing nothing but a long mack. He flashes at the old women sat in their high chairs and yells supersex! one of the old gals replied I'll have the soup.

The Lone ranger and Tonto are being pursued by a tribe of Apache across the desert. They finally come to the edge of a large precipice, unable to go no further and with the apache bearing down on them the Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and say's. Tonto my faithfull side kick, we have survived many adventures and perils together, but it looks like the end for us. Tonto replied..speak for yourself Paleface!

 

[CannyFifer]

turned up to a fancy dress wearing nothing but my pants, was asked what the hell I was meant to be, replied an orgasm.
I always come in my pants
delete if bad Brendy

 

[drawboy]

I went to a fancy dress. I approached the door giving a bird a piggy back ride. The doorman said It's fancy dress only mate. I am in fancy dress, I replied, Oh yeah sez the bouncer, what as? A teenage mutant ninja turtle, I cameback. Who's that on your back? said the bouncer I replied It's Michelle.

 

[vig]

Woman sat in hospital waiting room with broken nose, two black eyes, busted lip and a thick ear.
Doctor called her and her hubby in and asked how it happened.
Going through the change she replies
Going through the change doesn't cause that says the doc
Husband pipes up, does if it's in my pocket.

I'll get my coat

 

[brendy]

turned up to a fancy dress wearing nothing but my pants, was asked what the hell I was meant to be, replied an orgasm.
I always come in my pants
delete if bad Brendy

Tis ok matey OOB is less strict
I went to the same party with just a pair of black golves and shoes on, I was asked what I had come as, I replied "the 5 of spades"

 

[RGDave]

A blind man walks into American Golf with his Labrador.
The man sits down and lets the dog wander round, sniffing at a few clubs, an electric trolley, some balls and then wanders into the fitting bay.
The manager comes over and says;
"I'm sorry sir but I can't see the point in allowing the dog to wander around our busy store"....
to which the man replies
.
.
.
.
.
"it's OK you know, I will buy something - he's looking for me"

 

[RGDave]

Steve and Joe are in the pub with their missus'.

Steve says "I've told my wife to suggest to your wife that we play golf at the Belfry for your birthday, you know, like that work day we had last year"
Joe replies "seems a good idea, when she comes over and talks to me about it, I'll give you the thumbs up or thumbs down"

10 minutes later, Steve looks over, sees them discussing something, then Joe's missus slaps him round the face and storms out the pub.
Steve goes over and says "what went wrong mate, I thought it was a dead cert?"

Joe goes on "it was going fine until I remembered we played mixed doubles 4bbb that day with Dawn and Cathy from work"

"Yes, and???"

"My wife didn't take it too well when I said it was one of the best days of my life when me and Dawn shared a 69"

 

[Adrena1in]

Dwarf shortage.

 

[Wildrover]

Sheffield Wednesday have said that any fan taking part in the unrest after sunday's game against Crystal Palace, will be banned from Hillsborough for life. So far 23,873 people have owned up to police.

 

[Daffy]

Esmerelda and Quasimodo are at the top of the bell tower.
Suddenly,Quasimodo plummets to the ground
.
.
.
.
SPLAT!!
Slowly he picks himself up and shouts "Ethmerelda"
"Whit?" she replies (cos in my head she's Glaswegian)
"Ethmerelda!!"
"Whit is it?"

"Thath no what I meant when I athked you to toth me off"


Sorry

 

[madandra]

What do you call a wumin with one leg shorter than the other.


Eileen


Whats her sister who has no problem with her legs called


Noleen

 

[Farneyman]

The people of Dubai dont like the flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi do

 

[CrapHacker]

The people of Dubai dont like the flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi do

That took three readings and 25 seconds to be absolutely sure exactly how bad it is :

Very <font color="orange"> very VERY bad.

But a good kind of bad.