Top Tips

[Basher]

Anyone remember the Top Tips that used to feature in Viz magazine?

Some of them were outrageously funny with equally funny spoof names and addresses.

Let's be having 'em!!!

 

[Paul_Stewart]

If your name is Mr Toblerone, you can save money on a name plate for your desk simply by buying a bar of the chocolate of the same name and leaving it next to your phone.

 

[Paul_Stewart]

REDUCE THE risk of nightime fire by soaking all your furniture with a hosepipe befroe you go to bed!!

Ladies....Prevent sexist workmen from shouting " Get your tits out!!" by permantely having them on display!!

POLICE. Save money on expensive sirens by putting a Police dog on the roof of your patrol car and shutting the door on its tail before attending a 999 call!!!!

RECREATE the smell of farts by opening a pack of Iceland's diced chicken!!!

TWO SPRAYS of Febreeze makes going down on your missus a much more pleasant experience!

 

[chris661]

Taaaa-Daaaaaa

As many as you want!

 

[chris661]

CONTESTANTS on Bullseye. Give your address as the Moon, that way, if you lose, your 'bus fare home' will amount to several million pounds.

 

[smange]

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping it into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After three miles, phone your wife to take the egg out the pan.

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A POST-IT Note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal way to foil lip-readers

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TOWN COUNCILS: Reduce litter problems by issuing blind folk with pointy sticks.

 

[Basher]

Keep 'em coming guys, I'm crying with laughter. Wife and kids think I'm doolally!!!

 

[chris661]

ESTATE AGENTS. Please look up the words luxurious, stunning and spacious in a dictionary so as I don't have to spend my weekends being shown around badly-built shoeboxes.

 

[chris661]

DOG OWNERS. Never lose your TV remote control again. Simply sellotape it to the back of your dog, and hey presto! Whistle, and the device is at your beck and call! This can also apply to hot drinks, after intense training.

 

[Paul_Stewart]

SKATEBOARDERS= Stop your trousers from falling halfway down your arse by wearing a strip of perforated leather with a buckle around your waste!

 

[brendy]

This made me laugh from the Viz site....