Christmas cracker jokes.....

[Smiffy]

Young lad gets given a pirates outfit for Christmas. All of his friends are busy so he goes out in the street with his gear on and starts a pretend sword fight.
Bloke walks past and says "what you doing?"
"I'm a pirate" says the little boy.
"Where are your buccaneers" says the man.
"Under my bucking hat" says the lad

 

[bobmac]

How do you know the difference between wild salmon and farmed salmon?
Farmed salmon have flat noses.

 

[ADB]

Perhaps a rather fitting one, given recent events....

Bloke says to his mate...
"i've been taking steriods and grown an extra Willy!" His mate says...
"Anabolic?.... and the bloke says,
"No, just a Willy!"

 

[drawboy]

I roll this one out every year, it's sort of a tradition now, I pull the first cracker and read the joke. It was from the Christmas The good life and goes...The oooh ahhh bird is so called because it lays square eggs. Gets 'em groaning every year without fail.

 

[Smiffy]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local
golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,
'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.' 'Sure,' they
said, 'you're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the
company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,
'What do you do for a living?' 'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.
'You're joking!' was the response. 'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching
into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini
sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight..

'Here are my tools.' 'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said
the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my
house from here.'

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of
his house.
'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic.
I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom..
Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!!
Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her......
He's naked, too!!!
He turned to the hit man,
'How much do you charge for a hit?' 'I'll do a flat rate, for you,
one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.' 'Can you
do two for me now?' 'Sure, what do you want?' 'First, shoot my wife.
She's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.'
'Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine....
Just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'
The hit man took the rifle and took aim........
standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.
'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly,


'I think I can save you a grand.....'

 

[vig]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local
golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,
'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.' 'Sure,' they
said, 'you're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the
company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,
'What do you do for a living?' 'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.
'You're joking!' was the response. 'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching
into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini
sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight..

'Here are my tools.' 'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said
the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my
house from here.'

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of
his house.
'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic.
I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom..
Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!!
Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her......
He's naked, too!!!
He turned to the hit man,
'How much do you charge for a hit?' 'I'll do a flat rate, for you,
one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.' 'Can you
do two for me now?' 'Sure, what do you want?' 'First, shoot my wife.
She's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.'
'Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine....
Just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'
The hit man took the rifle and took aim........
standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.
'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly,


'I think I can save you a grand.....'

Stolen from "Jethro"

 

[big_russ]

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when ever she touched her there.

They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they wouldclose the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'