Thursday giggle

[bladeplayer]

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Best Bitter. Barman asks, "What's wrong with the Bitter?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of it last night and when I came round I was f--king skint."
Barman says, " 12 pints of anything in here costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint is my dog."

Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when you're drunk. Husband says "that's not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"

The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . . "What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut up and go to sleep!"

An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstasy have been found behind the Job Centre in Liverpool .
The locals are said to be in a state of shock........They had no idea they had a job centre!

An ad found in theCanberra Times, Personal Section:This bloke should have gottena few replies simply for taking the time to think of this!

WANTED: A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, and who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classical music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

Interested?
Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;
Still interested?
Call me at...... 8250-0327

 

[G1BB0]

haha, very good

 

[chris661]

Where do I get a refund??

 

[Grumps]

I was at a wedding reception when the dj announced 'all the married men out there go and stand by the person who makes ur life worth living'. The barman was crushed to death.

 

[Grumps]

We went out for a meal
yesterday, & whilst my wife was in the toilet, the waiter asked...
"And what will the lovely lady be having Sir?"
"I'm not sure" I replied,

"probably a shite!"

 

[One Planer]

We went out for a meal
yesterday, & whilst my wife was in the toilet, the waiter asked...
"And what will the lovely lady be having Sir?"
"I'm not sure" I replied,

"probably a shite!"

....... Love that!!

 

[ADB]

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

 

[smange]

I just found out my only brother has got Alzheimers.....I hope it doesnt run in the family coz my brothers got it as well.

--------------------------


2 women sitting talking 1 asks "have you ever looked at your husbands face when your havin sex?"
other said "i did once and he looked angry"
"why angry" asks her pal?
"coz he was looking in the window at the time" she replied

--------------------------------

Walking home drunk
I got stopped by a policeman he said
Your staggering
I said
Your not so bad looking yourself love!

----------------------------

I’m in trouble with the wife. We were in bed naked and she asked what I would like to do most with her body. Apparently “Identify it” wasn't the right answer.

 

[Region3]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I loaded the clubs and trolley in the car and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out playing golf in that?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

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I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

 

[Swinger]

Bad taste

 

[ADB]

bad taste

Fart in a lift Swinger

 

[Scouser]

An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstasy have been found behind the Job Centre in Liverpool .
The locals are said to be in a state of shock........They had no idea they had a job centre!

 

[robbest3offthetee]

My wife was in the bathroom ages getting herself ready for a night out when the door opened ,she said to me," Do i look big in this" and i said, " Well to be honest love the bathroom is a bit small"

 

[Sponge1980]

A man walks into a bakers shop and asks the baker how much his cakes are.
"Every cake in the shop is £1, except for the one in the window, thats £5" replies the baker.
"How come that one costs more?" asks the man.
"Because that's maderia cake" replies the baker.

What do you call a man in a suit of armour on a motorbike? Medieval Kineval

What did the napkin say when it wasnt ready to play tennis? "Dont serviette"

 

[thecraw]

Fat Winston finds an old lamp one day clearing out his garage. After giving it a polish a genie appears.

The genie grants fat Winston one wish for releasing him from the lamp.

Fat Winston thinks about it briefly and grining he says to the genie, "I'd like to be white, slim and surrounded by pussy!"

There was a puff of smoke and a flash of light and fat Winston turned into a tampon!

Remember if your offered something for nothing....................there's usually a string attached.