The stock-in-trade golf characters

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billyg

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What are the absolute rock solid, dependable charicatures to be found at any given golf club?

Just to kick things off lets start with good old, 'i've been a member of this club since the internal combustion engine was invented' or 'i'm a member but i don't actually play golf at all , choosing instead to spend the whole day getting lashed and talking rubbish over a pint'- type chap.

There must be loads. Please share.

bill
 
All the gear and no idea.
Bloke at the end of the bar.
Old guy with the deck chair down on the practice ground with lots of advice to give, couldn't hit a barn door with a banjo.
Bloke in really LOUD clothes.
Junior hitting 400 flop shots in a row onto the practice putting green.
The guy who never comes into the club house.
The guy who has worn the same jumper and trousers for 50 years.
The swindle who won't leave the bar until they are all drunk, and there is just enough daylight left to get a quick nine in.
The 25 stone bloke in the buggy because his knees are shot.
The guy who wears a short sleeve polo all year round, whatever the weather.
The guy who always wears a waterproof suit, whatever the weather.
Someone called Harry.
 
Im the guy in the short sleeve polo! haha

What about the low handicapper that sits in the bar after his usual round of 72 then dismisses it as "ok"

The leech, the man who on a saturday afternoon, must know how everyone did even if his score was pants.

The mentalists who go out around 7am (i tried it once, never again) and are finishing just as I am teeing off, no need!
 
The rule guru
The equipment specialist - knows everything about shaft flexes, swingweight latest equipment releases - and plays with an old set of Slazenger B51's
The racing pundit - sits in the clubhouse all day studying the form and watching the racing on the bar TV
The name dropper - "Did I tell you when I played with... (insert name of tour pro or A list celebrity)
The bore - describes every hole of every round in minute detail
 
The 15 handicapper who can tell you where you are going wronng with your swing, gear and everything else about golf when really he is a pest who will never break 80. The right royal pain in the arse who never shuts the F*** up.


And also the 'All my eggs are double yolked' guy.

Anything you have done,he has done lower, higher, less, more, better and bigger.
 
The mentalists who go out around 7am (i tried it once, never again) and are finishing just as I am teeing off, no need!
Click to expand...

Thats nothing, last summer I was teeing off at 6am! Its the best part of the day, I get 18 in and its quite and not an electric trolley in sight arrr...

The father and son combo who play at the same time each week!
 
Brendy im with you mate! Out in our short sleeve polo shirts whatever the weather.

You got to remember the OAP`S who take 2 weeks to complete 9 holes and hit the ball 15 yards

The person with the worlds worst swing

And the fitness freaks who practically run around the course
 
Ahhh, I missed one, the fella who booms the drive and everyone always says, he hits a massive ball, and plays of 17 or something. The one shot wonder I call them.
 
I play every saturday at 7.37am it's great, not to many people on the course and we're finished at 12noon. It gives us all saturday to do whatever we want.
Having read the posts, all clubs must be the same. We have a few father and son games in our club and whenever the son/son's play with different people they couldn't hit that barn door with their banjo, I liked that one...........

The most annoying thing for me about golfers is the guys who you either play with or have a drink with after your/our game and they relive every shot. Why, just why do they need to do this? At the end of 18 holes I just want to get into the club house have a pint or 15 and forget about all the [****] I played on the course, but these guys insist on reliving it all over again. There is a few guys in our club who can remember rounds of golf that they played years ago, and we have to sit and listen to these gastly stories. I dont what to hear about it.

The other guy's really hate are the guys that never come into the club house unless they have a good score. They sit there waiting for everyone to ask how that did today, I have learnt who they are so I don't go near them. ASSHOLES
 
All the gear no idea - self explainatory.

The poseur - Designer clothing, all the gear may/may not have the skills to use it. Will usually drive a BMW 3-series (small engined one though) and is more orange from fake-tan that Dale Winton.

Flash Harry - The millionaire who loves to let everybody know about his wealth, all pearly white teeth and rolexes.

Flash Harry (wannabe) - Drives a flash car, wears designer gear, has a rolex, all the best gear, spends a fortune, however has £3.50 is cash and £75k worth of credit card debt (I know a few of these)

The pikey done good - as rough as arseholes but plenty of cash, has a tarmaccing firm or was in the scrap game. Plays crap, doesn't care. Swears too much and talks too loud but a good guy at heart.

The gambler - the man who lives and dies sat at the fruit machine, would rather pee himself than let somebody else get on it. Puts £100 and wins £20, sulks about it and does it again tomorrow.
 
The car dealer - Only seen once a week or so, pays in cash for everthing, different car every week, overweight, clubs are like new from lack of use, usually on a mobile phone, crap haircut, never properly relaxes. Oh, thats me then!
 
The guy who talks about this and that player who you've never heard of from 30 years ago who could 'really hit a ball' - 320 yards with a John Letters wooden wood and a dunlop 65! Tells you all about him just after you've hit a good drive yourself, some kind of attempt to kill your own feel good factor..."You know he beat Tony Jacklin in his prime, boy could he play..." etc etc etc...YAWN!
 
The guy who talks about this and that player who you've never heard of from 30 years ago who could 'really hit a ball' - 320 yards with a John Letters wooden wood and a dunlop 65! Tells you all about him just after you've hit a good drive yourself, some kind of attempt to kill your own feel good factor..."You know he beat Tony Jacklin in his prime, boy could he play..." etc etc etc...YAWN!
Click to expand...
Are you referring to me, Birdieman?
 
The guy who rifles the ball 280+ off the tee with a slight draw, and moans about it being a bit off the toe.
The bore who could have shot a 59, if, only, but....
The guy who didn't play that good, but still managed a net 66, and moans on about his 'bad luck' the rest of the morning.
The man with the squeaky trolley. (or jangly keys).
The guy built like a tank, who only manages 200 off the tee (just hit the f**king thing).
The comb over king.
The guy who off loads his coffee (or beer in the pm) on the 2nd tee. Man or mouse?
Someone always wears red or green flairs that weren't fashionable when Niclaus wore them, with a matching jumper.
Mr beige chinos and navy polo.
The guy who 'won' all his gear playing off a bent h/cap.
Taxi Tony.
The four ball who go off while it is still dark (who the heck are they, we never see them in the club house).
The bloke who nicks my trolley from the trolley shed.
The 'when I joined we didn't have the luxury of a club house, just a tent in the car park' excuse for changing shoes in the car park.
The guy who stubbs out his cigar in the middle of the green.
The guy who no matter what bargain deal you got your latest stick for, knows where you could have got it cheaper.
The club secretary who is sticking it to the lady members in the office while hubbys are out on the course (it happened).
The guy who sits and reads the papers after his round, instead of talking to the other 3 members of his 4 ball (Kev, if you do this again I am setting fire to it).
 
This ones a keeper and i'll refer to it anytime I need a pick me up. Highly entertaining and thank you for your considered replies.

You gotta laugh though- these characters clearly pop up with too much regularity for it to be just coincidence.

There's got to be book in here somewhere- along the lines of 'The Chap' or something perhaps 'The Golf Chap'.

Either that or a compilation of all of these various etymilogical 'species' to be listed in the clubhouse on a nice wooden panel in gold lettering with appropriate awards/punishments handed out each year for those acting to type.

I'm having a right laugh reading over them again. Well done gents,

bill
 
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