Joke for you as it's Friday...

[Snelly]

I'd just come out of the 'chippy' with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo battered sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'.

I said, " I wish I had your f*cking will power mate."

 

[madandra]

A troop of French Foreign Legionaries were marching through the desert. They had been marching for days, their water supply had run out, and they were on the brink of collapse.
And then suddenly, as they staggered over the crest of a large sand dune, they came upon a sight that brought relief to them all - a market place, spread out over the desert. Rows of colourful stalls, with their banners flapping in the breeze.
The legionaries were delighted. Filled with an extra surge of energy, they ran down the dune to the market.
Arriving at the first stall, the begged the stall-holder for water.
"I'm sorry," says the stall-holder, "all I have are these delicious puddings made from jelly and sponge and with a cream topping sprinkled with hundreds and thousands."
Not to be deterred, the troops move on to the next stall, pleading for water.
"Sorry, but I only have these bowls of pudding, made from jelly and sponge," says the man behind the counter.
The legionaries move on, but as they look down the rows of stalls, they can see that every single stall is selling exactly the same thing, and as they move along, asking for water, they get the same response every time.
Finally, one of the stall-holders takes pity on them, and tells them about an oasis not far away, so they leave the market, and head for the oasis.
As they're leaving, one of the legionaries turns to his partner, and says "Hmmm. That was a trifle bazaar."

 

[big_russ]

A woman goes to the doctor, black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he hits me."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that.
When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it around in your mouth.
Just swish and swish and don't stop."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and nothing happened!""HE DIDN'T EVEN TOUCH ME.....

Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"