Golf Jokes

The_Golfer

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A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play one particular hole at Pebble Beach, California, exactly the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the green that is on a spit of land that juts out into the Pacific. It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success.
His ball had always fallen short, into the ocean. Because of this, he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick, as did many other “average” golfers when negotiating very challenging holes.
Recently he went to Pebble Beach to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball as usual, and said a silent prayer. However, before he could hit it, a powerful voice from above seemed to be booming out from the clouds, saying, “WAIT…REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW ONE.”
He complied, with some slight misgiving, despite the fact that this same force seemed to be implying that he was going to finally achieve his lifelong ambition.
As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again, “WAIT. STEP BACK… TAKE A PRACTICE SWING.”
So he stepped back and took a practice swing, certain now that this heavenly force was going to make his dream come true.
The voice boomed out again, “TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING.”
Dutifully, he did. He stopped expectantly and waited…
A long silence followed…….
Then the voice again:
“USE THE OLD BALL.”
 

The_Golfer

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It was a sunny morning, a little before 8.00 am, on the first hole of a busy course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot when a piercing voice came over the club house loud speaker.
“Would the gentleman on the woman’s tee back up to the men’s tee please!!”
I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.
Again the announcement, “Would the MAN on the WOMAN’S tee kindly back up to the men’s tee.”
I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled: “WOULD THE MAN ON THE WOMAN’S TEE BACK UP TO THE MEN’S TEE, PLEASE!!!”
I finally stopped, turned, cupped my hands and shouted back… “WOULD THE @$$HOLE WITH THE MICROPHONE KINDLY KEEP QUIET AND LET ME PLAY MY SECOND SHOT
 

Trueblue

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Danny another top joke - keep them coming...i only know one golf joke unfortunately and it's a bit too rude i reckon - sorry!!
 

The_Golfer

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Two golfing partners of some ten years at a very prestigious club were having their regular weekend competition game when at the 5th par 5, one of the men took his third shot, clasped his chest and collapsed. His partner rushed over and checked his pulse but unfortunately he was dead. “oh dear” pondered his partner, “what do I do now? The committee won’t be best pleased if I go calling an ambulance and they come tearing up the fairway” so with that the player decides it is best to carry him back to the clubhouse….
That evening the man was having a farewell drink for his deceased friend in the clubhouse bar when he was approached by the chairman of the committee “We are all very sad for the loss today…, but I must also thank you on behalf of the committee for what you did today, saving our course from an avoidable commotion and protecting it from the ambulance etc, the committee certainly won’t forget what you did…but I must say for someone of your age it must have been a bit of a struggle to carry him all the way from the 5th”
“Carrying him wasn’t a struggle” replied the man “the struggle was having to bloomin’ put him down and then pick him back up again after every shot…”
 

Dave3498

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Golfer_Greenee asked for some golf jokes back in December, but mine was the only reply he got. Another version of your's I'm afraid Danny.
 

The_Golfer

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This one made me laugh....
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golf pro is.
“Top of the mornin to yer, sir” says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick ‘hello’ and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
“What are those”, asks the attendant.
“They’re called tees” replies Tiger.
“Well, what on God’s earth are dey for.” inquires the Irishman.
“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger.
“Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything.”
 

ace_in_the_pack

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How about this one?

Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.

His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked "what's wrong?" It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"
 
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