Golf joke

[Sneds]

I hope this hasn't been posted before but with the amount of jokes that are floating around it's a real possibility

A woman playin golf, teed off and watched in horror as her ball hit a man playin the next hole. He clasped his hands 2gether at his groin, fell 2 the ground and rolled around in agony. The woman rushed 2 the man offerin 2 relieve his pain as she was a physio therapist. The man said 'no, i'll b fine'. But she insisted. She gently took his hands away, undid his trousers and put her hands inside. She massaged tenderly 4 several moments and asked ' how does that feel?' he replied ' it feels Bloody great but i still think my thumb's broken' x

 

[viscount17]

been done

non-golf

Liolnel Ritchie has opened the first of a new chain of butcher shops in Wolverhampton. It's called

Halal - is it meat you're looking for.

 

[AuburnWarrior]

Yee Gods!!!! Is this the best we can come up with????

A man goes into a library and asks if they have a book on dwarf sex. The librarian says "How can you stoop so low?"

The man replies "Aye, that's the one!"

I'm outta here........

 

[drawboy]

During a tournament Jack nicklaus sliced the drive into the gallery, knocking a woman spectator out cold. When he arrived at the scene the lady had come around and was been comforted by the first aid guys. "I am really sorry announced Jack, if you go into the hospitality tent and say I sent you please help yourself to Champagne or whatever by way of an apology"
The woman did just that. At the end of play Jack went to make sure she was o.k. the lady was fine. "where are you staying tonight Jack?" she asked "The Ritz" replied Jack. "There is no need, please stop at mine to make up for your kindness I've had a wonderfull day" said the woman, so off they went. Once back at hers one thing led to another and the inevitable happened. Jack was getting out of the bed when the woman asked him where he was going? "I'm off to get dressed" said Jack "But darling, when Tiger stayed the night he made love to me again" she said. Jack thought, anything that young upstart can do, and got back in for another go. he was getting out again when she said Jack where are you off, when tiger was here he did it again. Jack slumped back in and once again did the biz. He rolled out of bed covered in sweat and crawled towards the bedroom door. "where are you going now"? said the woman frustrated.
Jack turned to her and said "I'm off to ring Tiger and see what the par is for this hole"!!

 

[drawboy]

Two old golfers had played together every sunday for fifty years. One sunday jack was home really late. his wife asked him why he had missed his dinner. "Well I'm sorry to say Alf had a heart attack on the fourth" "Oh Jack I'm really sorry to hear that, have you been at the hospital all this time?" "No" Said Jack, "It was take a shot drag Alf, take a shot"

 

[Snelly]

They are all terrible. Here's a good one though....

Two men are out playing nine holes on a perfect quiet afternoon.

After hitting a lovely nine iron, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife', she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Charles continues slowly contemplating his next shot then thoughtfully says,


'You better think it over, Bob - Women like that are hard to find.'

 

[drawboy]

Dont give up the day job snelly..unless your day job is a comedian.

 

[drawboy]

A golfing widow was sick of being left in the house whilst her hubby was on the course all weekend, so she asked if she could take up the game so she could play with him. Although he hated the idea he gave in as long as she took lessons before she went on the course. Just be carefull he told her, our pro takes no prisoners and is a bit rough around the edges but if you listen to him you should be ok.
The next day she went for the 1st lesson. Right said the pro I want you to get hold of this club just like you would your old man's willie on a saturday night, Ok, now hit this ball. Whack! straight down the middle 300yrds. Fantastic said the pro now if you can just take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands....

Funny eh? I've just got a 1 year contract with Sky. I'm not on the telly, just putting the dishes up!!

 

[Smiffy]

Bad taste
That should be on Sickipedia

 

[Sneds]

Bad taste
That should be on Sickipedia

looool

 

[Eejit]

Somebody asked me the other day `whats your pet hate ? I said "It doesnt really like things shoved up its arse" ;0/

 

[drawboy]

Every year on their anniversary a couple played golf together. Everything was going well, they were enjoying the round until a wayward shot on the 8th put the husband well off line behind the greenkeepers sheds. As he was addressing the ball to hack out sideways the greenkeeper appeared and said "If I open both end doors of my shed you will have a perfect line to the green". "Smashing" said the man. The greenkeeper opened the doors and sure enough the husband could see the green and flag. He selected a 7 iron and hit it.The shot soared through the shed but caught a beam and bounced straight into his wife's head instantly killing her. The following year on the eve of their anniversary the man decided in honour of his late wife to keep up the tradition, so he went back to the same course they played together. Again all was well until again an errant shot on the 8th saw him behind the same sheds. He was preparing to hack out sideways when the greenkeepers assistant appeared and said "If I open both ends of the doors you can hit straight to the green". The man looked up with a painfull expression on his face and said "Piss off I took a nine last time I did that".

 

[feary]

Every year on their anniversary a couple played golf together. Everything was going well, they were enjoying the round until a wayward shot on the 8th put the husband well off line behind the greenkeepers sheds. As he was addressing the ball to hack out sideways the greenkeeper appeared and said "If I open both end doors of my shed you will have a perfect line to the green". "Smashing" said the man. The greenkeeper opened the doors and sure enough the husband could see the green and flag. He selected a 7 iron and hit it.The shot soared through the shed but caught a beam and bounced straight into his wife's head instantly killing her. The following year on the eve of their anniversary the man decided in honour of his late wife to keep up the tradition, so he went back to the same course they played together. Again all was well until again an errant shot on the 8th saw him behind the same sheds. He was preparing to hack out sideways when the greenkeepers assistant appeared and said "If I open both ends of the doors you can hit straight to the green". The man looked up with a painfull expression on his face and said "Piss off I took a nine last time I did that".


haha

 

[drawboy]

One day a woman was happily going about her business vacuuming the bedroom. She decided to do under the bed as it had never been done and she was in the mood,so she fitted the nozzle and poked it under the bed. It hit an object so she got down to look. When she pulled it out and unwrapped it she saw it was just an ordinary shoe box in a pillow case.Curiosity got the better of her and she opened it, inside was 3 golf balls and £300.00. When the hubby came home from work she asked him what the box was all about. Embarrassed the husband came clean. "My darling every time I have been unfaithful to you I have put a ball into the box". Shocked the wife broke down in tears. Eventually she said " We have been married for 27 years and you have been unfaithful to me three times, I think I can forgive you,we will be ok,but tell me why is there £300 in the box as well"? The husband went red faced and said "Well every time I got a dozen I sold them"!

 

[AMcC]

Wife asks husband "what shall I wear to the party to morrow night ? would you like to see me in something long and flowing ? Husband replies, yes, the Clyde

 

[Midnight]

3 guys - grandfather, father and son standing waiting to tee off, when a beautiful young girl walks up and asks to join them.

All 3 guys hit off - then the girl Drives right down the centre, Par 4, on with her second and 2 putts.

Great they all agree - by the time they get to the 18th, Par 5, she is already 4 shots onto the green and needs to par it to win the game.

She says if any of you can give me the right line to putt - I will come to your house - cook, clean and anything you ask- the young guy says "slight break right to left then you should be in the hole" - the father says " no, aim straight at it and you will win, - then the old granddad says " no! it's a gimme!!!!

 

[drawboy]

It was the day of old Frank's funeral a loyal and true member of old wolds in the field G.C. for 70 years and the committee his widow and various members had gathered on the 18th green for the reading of a letter and scattering of the ashes. After a brief prayer the club captain stepped forward with the urn and placed it next to the cup, he then opened a letter from old Frank and read it out. Dear friends, I have loved every minute of playing at this club, but as you know I never,ever parred the 18th in all my years here. I have asked therefore that my ashes be sprinkled in the cup. I hope you can find it in you hearts to comply with my wishes. Your good friend Frank.
Wiping a tear from his eye the Captain carefully removed the lid of the urn and knelt down beside the cup and as he poured the ashes onto the green a gust of wind got up and blew Frank out of bounds!!

 

[Sneds]

Drawboy, that's brilliant x

 

[drawboy]

Why thank you Sneds.