Best Golf Joke?

[mjk05]

Whats the best golf joke of all time? Well here's a starter....

A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked.

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

 

[rgs]

Tiger Woods driving along a country road in his Buick-
pulls into a garage for petrol--as he gets out a Tee falls out of his pocket. The attendant asks what is that for- Tiger answers "I rest my balls on them". The attendant replies jaysus Buick think of everything.

 

[Shooter_McGavin]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her

ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.



The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at

his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.



Hurrying up to the man she exclaimed "Please allow me to help, I'm a

physical therapist and I know I could ease your pain if you'd allow me,"

she told him.



"Oh no, I'll be alright in a few minutes," he replied. He was in obvious

agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together

at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help

him.



She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,

loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and

artful massage for several long moments and then asked, "How does that

feel?"



He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

 

[Up_Point_1]

Shooter_Mcgavin - That is absolutely priceless.

 

[Trueblue]

Lady golfers like to get a stroke per hole...

 

[birdieman]

Norman and Dan are out on the course playing one afternoon, Dan is pinging it beautifully, Norman is his usual desperate hacking self.
Norman starts annoyingly quizzing Dan on every duff shot. A topped 6 iron -"Why did I do that Dan?" moans Norman. Dan replies curtly -"LOFT."
Next shot Norman thins a wedge through the green -"So why did I do that Dan?" Same answer - "LOFT".
5 or 6 of Norman's shots later, every one a duffer, so Norman is flinging clubs and Dan is still nailing every shot.
"Come on Dan you're not giving much away here, help me out" gurns Norman after a hideously duck-hooked drive. "I've told you before" Dan replies rather irked by this stage -"LOFT"
"For pity's sake what are you talking about? What do you mean by loft, am I playing the wrong club for each shot or what?" demanded Dan.
"No Norman, L.O.F.T. -Lack of fu**ing talent, that LOFT" yelled Dan, heading off to the 19th.

 

[Up_Point_1]

Found an absolute beauty on the web ;-)

A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.

When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman, "I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip."

When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, "Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husbands penis. When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing." She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.

The golf pro says to the woman, "That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to the next problem. How do we get that golf club out of your mouth?"

 

[Wombler]

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf."

Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now."

"I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right," says Stevie.

"You play golf!?" asks Jack.

Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years."

"But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks.

"I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie.

"But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."

Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"

"Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."

Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?"


Stevie says, "I don't care - any <u>night</u> next week is OK with me."


Wombler

 

[SwingingKatz]

I am still laughing at the Stevie Wonder joke!

 

[Wombler]

I am still laughing at the Stevie Wonder joke!

Good, I'm glad somebody enjoyed it.


Wombler

 

[mjk05]

The Lady Lawyer Golfer
>>
>>
>>
>> Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday
>>morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week.
>>Then, one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another
>>city. It wasn't quite the same without him.
>>
>>
>>
>> A new lawyer, a woman, joined their law firm. One day she
>>overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the
>>coffee table. Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on
>>my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I
>>joined you next week?"
>>
>>
>>
>> The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant.
>>Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the
>>spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be
>>starting pretty early, at
>> 6:30 am.
>>
>>
>>
>> He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her
>>immediately. The woman said this might be a problem, and asked if
>>she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their
>>eyes, but said this would be okay.
>>
>>
>>
>> She smiled, and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at
>>6:30 or
>> 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up beating all
>>three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun
>>and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed!
>>Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited
>>her back the next week.
>>
>>
>>
>> She smiled, and said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."
>>
>>
>>
>> The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning.
>>Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were
>>incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par
>>round, despite playing with her off-hand. By now the guys were
>>totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them
>>look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out.
>>She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be trying to show
>>them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat
>>her!
>>
>>
>>
>> In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this
>>week She was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because
>>each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life, to
>>beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival
>>was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally, she showed up.
>>
>>
>>
>> This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a
>>good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she
>>was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was
>>hard to hold a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one
>>could figure out!
>>
>>
>>
>> Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their
>>heads at her ability. They had a couple of beers after their round
>>which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally, one of the men
>>could contain his curiosity any longer. He asked her point blank,
>>"How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or
>>left-handed?"
>>
>>
>>
>> The lady blushed, and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When
>>my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I
>>have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my
>>husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps
>>in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before
>>I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers
>>off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed
>>right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.
>>
>>
>>
>> All the guys on the team thought this was hysterical."
>>Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back,
>>"But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?"
>>
>>
>>
>> She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."